Favorite Quotes: "I Don't Know What to Say So I'm Just Whispering"

[Ms Blue Jay]

Okay I guess it's because I'm Canadian.  Apparently it expanded to us in 2010 which is why it took until now for some of us to use it and took me like a year of me pushing it on my parents for them to accept the plan.  Which is why you guys are addressing me as a Netflix luddite 

14 hours ago, scrb said:

Even if it's not exact about the mechanics of how Netflix works, the idea is fine, that Jonah isn't completely grown up or independent.

I guess I just don't see it being related to independence coming from a family where a lot of money is shared and 1 account is so cheap anyways and is meant to be shared.  Maybe I am not independent because I haven't thrown my parents off my account and given the password to some sexy guys I've met or something ;)

Edited June 13, 2017 by Ms Blue Jay

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Marjorie: I'm sorry to be so hysterical, but we have a situation. Catherine's on bed rest. She's been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
Selina: Well why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?
Marjorie: Before you ask, we have taken a break from sex, specifically penetrative sex.
Jaffar: She has a penis?
Selina: I don't know.

Jaffar: "A Woman First, First Woman." You'd get murdered in my country for saying something like that.

Amy: You are confirmed for tomorrow night for the Tonight Show to kick off the book tour.
Richard: Which again is tomorrow night, not tonight, despite the title. And you're doing the Today Show one week from yesterday.

Marjorie: It's Catherine's uterine tea.
Catherine: It's a broth of red raspberry leaf, black haw, and false unicorn root.
Selina: I hope that's going in your mouth. What ever happened to half a bottle of red wine and three Virginia Slims?

Selina: I'm not on bed rest. My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.

Amy: I'm not mentioned in the book until page 134. I once dry shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Mike: I'm not in there until 213 and I wrote the book.
Gary: Oooh, page 93, suckas! "As Gary poured my tea, I realized the hostages blah blah blah."
Amy: What about you, Richard? Did you make the book?
Richard: Just the dedication.

Jonah: This office sucks my nard!
Kent: Punishment from Congressman Furlong and the Speaker and the President - an astonishing bipartisan agreement.

Kent: Some interesting reading arrived.
Jonah: There's no such thing.

Jonah: Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not in [Selina's book]. I ruined her administration like four times. You'd think that would count for something.

Shawnie: The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts' anus.
Kent: AKA New Hampshire.

Amy: It's kind of like the wave in The Perfect Storm except in this case the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.

Mike: "Ignoring the advice of experienced staffers, Meyer instead sought the counsel of a high school drop out, her personal trainer and lover Ray Wayland."
Selina: He had a GED!

Selina: This isn't an article! This is a gang bang on a pinball machine! Who despises me like this?
Amy: Well, there's President Montez, Tom James, Danny Chung, Maddox.
Mike: The White House maids, the stewards.
Richard: White working class voters.
Gary: Nobody! Everybody loves you!

Selina; What have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?!
Mike: I'm sorry, ma'am. I should have gotten a diary with a little lock on it but I didn't want to lock myself out.
Selina: How long have you known about this?
Amy: Since Alabama, but to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.
Selina: Oh, really? Well now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
Mike: We don't know my diary is the source.
Richard: There are scans of it on the WaPo website. It's crystal clear.

Furlong: Who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutombtard? Little word of advice, congressman - don't wear the shorts. Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things. Oh, lookie here, we got old Jesus with the cameltoe and his child molester goggles and the handband, of course, because you don't want the sweat getting in your eyes when you're choking him out afterward.

Furlong: Will, take the ball. And tell him why.
Will: Balls are the only thing keeping me from choking on cocks. Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole, just like Joey Chestnut.

Jonah: You're fired.
Kent: YES!

Selina: You sound like the world's gayest AM radio show.

Leon: We have been sued by better terrible Presidents than you.
Mike: Name one.

Amy: Dipshit Mike and his shit dip diary. "Amy committed perjury today" written in crayon and mustard stains.

Dan: I thought about teaching high school but girls these days just can't keep a secret.

Selina: The history books are being rewritten and this time it's not Texas saying, "Satan made fossils."

Amy: Montez is not going to be happy about this.
Selina: It's going to put a real turd in her chalupa.
Mike: Ooh, let's get Mexican for lunch.

Kent: I've been fired three times in my life - from the U.S. Postal Service office of investigations, by the Seattle Seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan. I cried each time. This time it was tears of joy.

Dan: This could be an opportunity. I might get my teeth rewhitened.

Ben: The three Meyer-sketeers.

Jonah: Am I Jewish?
Doctor: Your circumcision was a success, Mr. Ryan. If you notice any swelling, let me know. And no erections for six weeks.
Jonah: I don't know how I'm not going to get hard when I'm talking about my hog with some hot shiska nurse.
Doctor: I'm your doctor and it's shiksa.
Jonah: I'm pretty sure it's shiska.

Shawnie: At least your dick won't smell like donkey pussy anymore.
Jonah: I told you that was expired lube!

Uncle Jeff: Wishes belong in the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children.

Uncle Jeff: [I'm thanking you] for shitting the urinal so badly you made the Hindenberg look like a normal on-time blimp landing.

Uncle Jeff: Shut the fuck up, you epileptic Picasso painting!

Uncle Jeff: I am pulling this creature from the jizz lagoon right off the New Hampshire congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra. Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body. The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm going to be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no filter cigarettes.

Edited June 20, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: From the heady days of our third place finish in Iowa, we fought together for the dream of becoming the first woman president. But tonight the voters of Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Florida, Texas, and the territory of Guam have said otherwise.
Mike: I really thought we were going to win Guam.

Jonah: What are you even doing here?
Richard: Well, your mom said that you could use Splett pep so I brought you this.
[Jonah opens an empty box]
Richard: The box is empty to show that all you really need to be happy is right here.
[Richard touches his heart]
Jonah: Well that's stupid.

Mike: The [Washington Post] editors think [Leon]'s lost all sense of objectivity - and he's eating Luna Bars for women.

Selina: Marjorie, what do you think?
Marjorie: Looks like a vagina, ma'am.
Selina: That's from an expert.
Gary: I'm not seeing that.
Selina: Well you don't have any frame of reference.
Gary; What if you trim the topiary around the edge? That could help.
Selina: Nobody's going to trim the topiary. I'm not a porn star.
Gary: You could be! But you chose politics.
Selina: What is this? The clitoris? You know what would be funny? We should put the men's bathroom there. They'll never find it.
Marjorie: Actually, ma'am, the female pleasure center is quite extensive.
Selina: Uh, no, it's not.

Mike: What if we put up a very sensitive exhibit that talks about slavery and honors the men and women who suffered there?
Selina: That's an excellent idea, Mike,  but I'm not going to have my vagibrary underground railroaded by this.

Selina: What room is this, Catherine? When did we build an Indian casino gift shop?
Catherine: It's the nursery.
Selina: Seriously? Well, where are the toys? Or is the baby going to play chess against death?

Selina; You want to talk about second class citizens? Blacks got the vote in 1870. When did women get the vote? 1920!
Gary: Sistas!
Richard: The Voting Rights Act was in 1965.

Catherine: You are going to be the grandmother of a child that is half black.
Richard: And one sixteenth French Huguenot.
Selina: I cannot stand that terminology.
Marjorie: Ma'am, the nomenclature's moved away from African-American. It is black.
Selina: No, I am talking about grandmother.

Selina: I am not going to buried in a twat of my own making!

Selina: You and I both know that Hughes would never do this if I was a male VP. We'd be out shot gunning beers and sucking each other off like Carter and Mondale.

Ben: Ma'am, you need to understand - the president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman which you're doing a pretty okay job at. I'll let you walk the rest of the way. I'm trying to cut down on exercise.

Ben: I have two things for you to do. They're important. Can you handle it?
Jonah: Of course. Yes, absolutely.
Ben: One - get the fuck away from me. Two - stay the fuck away from me. Can you do that?
Jonah: Yes, sir. I won't let you down.
Ben: God, I love interns.

Tanz: There's a simple and easy solution to the homeless problem - pass mandatory sentencing laws for vagrancy. Then these unfortunates will finally have a home - my prisons.
Furlong: Look, I hate the homeless as much as any librarian. That's why God created subzero winters and the third rail but chances of me pushing for any tax incentives for these private hoosegaws is about as likely as what, Will?
Will: As me walking out of a bar with less than ten types of semen in my hair.

Furlong: Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in DC. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for Oliver!
Tanz: You want a dried apricot? They're Turkish. Anything I can do to annoy the Armenians.
Will: Hey, Jonah, can we get lunch sometime? I want to talk to you about being the legal guardian to my baby if anything happens to me or Mary.

Jonah: Sir, I will do anything you say!
Tanz: I know, that's what I love about you. It's like that fagola cowboy movie. I can't quit you.
Jonah: Yes, thank you, sir! Butch and Sundance.
Tanz: Now is not the time to go putzing after representatives, congressmen. From now on I'm only buying senators and presidents. That's the way to affect meaningful change.

Mrs. Neufeld: How does $25,000 sound?
Selina: Why don't you put your money where your mouth was - IS - and add another zero?

Danny: Ready for change, ready for Chung. Ready for chunge.

Yale president: If it were up to me, we'd be putting up drywall on your vagina building today.

Yale president: If you're trying to get out of town, don't take High Street. The KKK - that's the Kool Kweers of Kolor - is having a pee-in in front of Skull and Bones.

Selina: Yale pulled out without even coming on my tits. Things sure have changed since I went to college.

[Selina in labor with Catherine]
Selina: I wish I'd let you do anal. It would have hurt less than this.

Nurse Sandra: Will you be nursing?
Selina: No, I'm not a goat.
Andrew: Those are for daddy.

Selina: What are we calling him? Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon?

Amy: Last night I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop and I think I actually came.
Selina: Is everything always ice cream with you?

Selina: Team Meyer! Second time's the charm!
Kent: It's actually the fourth.

Selina: Jaffar, you are so sophisticated and your grasp of geopolitics is just - and those are assets anywhere in the world except the United States. And most of Europe. Except for Germany. You know, because they overcorrect.

Leon: Ma'am, here's your speech.
Selina: Thank you, Leon. Look at this - there are no typos, there are no food stains, you spelled Meyer right.
Leon: Well, I am a grown man.

Amy: Will you stop being exactly like yourself? You're fucking ruining this.
Dan: Ruining what?
Amy: Remember a few months ago after you got fired and we had drinks with Ben?
Dan: Yeah, we had a lot of drinks.
Amy: Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours.
Dan: FUCK.

Jonah: Washington insiders - they didn't like me very much, so let's send them a message by shoving the guy they hate the most right back in their faces. I am announcing my exploratory committee for the presidency of the United States of America which basically means I'm definitely running. God bless New Hampshire. God bless the United States of America - and Puerto Rico if they can vote for president. And God bless Jonah Ryan.

Mike: Three branches of government - judiciary, legislative, and...there's a third. If you want to know something about government, watch this film Air Force One. It's a good movie. Shows you what a president can do.

Edited June 26, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kent: Sheila couldn't agree more.
Ben: Hey, Kent's dating again!
Kent: No, Sheila is my predictive computer model for election results. Strategic hypermetric electoral interactive logistical algorithm.

Amy: Hey, sweatpants! You can't just walk out. This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.

Dan: I thought you sent that thing to the 7/11 dumpster in the sky already.

Dan: We're tracking a school shooting in Spokane, Washington.
Selina: Muslim or white guy?
Dan: Don't know yet.
Selina: Which one is better for me?
Kent: White guy.
Selina: Fingers crossed!

Marjorie: We have another candidate announcing for president.
Selina: I'm going to go out on a limb and say white guy.
[Marjorie turns on the tv]
Calhoun: I was reminded of another innovator by the name of Jesus Christ.

Catherine: Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop.
Selina: It's just a few more months in Iowa and then we're going to hide him when we get to New Hampshire. No, no crying.
Catherine: Mom, you cannot tell the baby N-O.
Marjorie: Yes, N-O is a negative rejoinder. We don't want to constrain little Richard-
Selina: What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an asshole?

Marjorie: Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression.
Selina: How can you tell?
Gary: The haircut.

Selina: Amy, why would you want to be president?
Amy: So I could nuke America.

Richard: You know what I always thought the funniest number was? Eleven.

Teddy: Why is [having Beth at the rally] really helpful?
Bill: She humanizes [Jonah] - if that were possible.
Richard: Like sunglasses on a dog.

Jonah: Stay away from us! You're lucky my wife is here or I'd give you a berserker beatdown and I would wipe my ass with that dumb looking cardigan.
Lloyd: It's a sweater vest.
Teddy: What the hell was that?
Bill: I thought you'd gotten a handle on the screaming at random seniors thing.
Jonah: My ex-stepdad? That guy's such a douchenard.
Bill: That's your stepfather?
Jonah: Yeah, he thinks he can just come down here and bask in my meteoric success just because he's my wife's dad.
Teddy: Wait, so he's your wife's dad? You said he was your stepdad.
Jonah: Yeah, that's my stepsister. Did you guys not know that?
Teddy and Bill:....
Bill: Oh no.
Teddy: No, no.
Jonah: Yeah, her dad married my mom for a year when I was eleven. The point is he's a dick. He gave me a D in math because I have dyslexia but for numbers. And he forced us to go on all these family vacations to stupid Hawaii.
Teddy: Did you do no oppo research on our own candidate? How did this not come up?
Bill: For the same reason it didn't come up that he moisturizes with minotaur semen. It's not one of the standard questions that you ask.
Jonah: I don't know what the big deal is. It's not like Beth and I did anything, unless you count her walking in on me when I was whacking off all the time.
Bill: I wish I was still in prison.
Teddy: Are you kidding me, you 80s story sky raper?

Jonah: Teddy, we talked about this. The only reason you were hired is because Mr. Tanz told me you were the best and because...
Teddy: Because of my court ordered chemical castration.

Selina: Lurlene - even the name sounds like it's on meth. Who in their right mind would live in this ashtray's anus?
Richard: Well, me. I was lucky enough to be born here.
Selina: What? You were from Lurlene.
Richard: I just didn't want to brag.

Catherine: Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns.
Richard: But they're both equally good people. Isn't there some way they can both be president?
Marjorie: Fortunately, no.

Ben: Catherine has postpartum depression?
Kent: I didn't notice anything.
Dan: I thought she was in a good mood.

Mike: Why not announce [your candidacy] at the Statue of Liberty?
Gary: You love standing next to ugly women.
Mike: Can I get a quote for my article?
Selina: Goddammit, what is Mike doing in here? And why does he have a good idea now that he's not working for us?

Selina: I'll go announce [my candidacy] at a white supremacist compound if I have to. There have got to be tons of them around here.
Kent: Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho. Iowa's mostly meth labs.
Ben: That's mainly just a difference in branding.

Selina: Fire [Quinn].
Ben: He's deader than democracy.

Jonah: My thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Spokane. What happened today was a tragedy. But here is the hard truth - sometimes hotshot lacrosse players who think they own the cafeteria can bring this on themselves.

Reporter 1: Congressman, will your wife be joining you today?
Jonah: Uh, no, not today. Just me.
Reporter 2: Will she be joining you at the senior center this afternoon?
Jonah: No, so stop asking questions about my wife. It's not like I murdered her.
Reporter 1: Is your wife okay?
Jonah: Look, I challenge you. Go ahead. Try to find one thing that's wrong with my marriage. Send out your top guys. Have them follow me around.
Reporter 2: Did you marry your stepsister?
Jonah: Goddammit, who told you? So I married my half sister.
Teddy: No, stepsister!
Jonah: Whichever one when I bone her, she doesn't give birth to a pile of legs. If you want to attack somebody, attack my cousin Ezra. He's the one who fingered her in high school.

Selina: I really thought my 50s would be about me fucking and sucking my way through the Shorenstein Center.
Ben: You and me both, ma'am.

Selina: What is in this [water bottle]?
Ben: Bourbon and Smartwater.

Selina: Jesus, Mary, and Jamba Juice.

Amy: I do want the baby to know that you're the father but I don't want your last name because I've always loved the name Meegan and I don't want people to think that I was going for Meegan Egan because that sounds like somebody who gets ass fucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.
Dan: Whoa. I like the name Meegan too. The Deegan is always congested.
Amy: Yeah, the cross Bronx is much better for butt stuff.

Selina: Why do I have to tell people why I want to be president? I mean, I don't want to hear about their jobs.

Selina: I can't use any of that. It sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich.
Gary: Like Evita!

Gary: Very Kennedy-esque.
Selina: John, not Ted. Or the rapey one. Or the one that killed that little girl.

Dan: Hey, just a quick heads up. You might want to keep this door closed. I'm going to fuck Mike's boss and my Spidey sense tells me she's going to yelp like a seagull in a bread factory.

Dan: I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans.
Amy: I appreciate the soul searching.
Dan: But if you want to go dutch on the abortion, just hit me up on Venmo.

Selina: Let's go launch this rocket.
Dan: Let's just hope it's the Columbia, not the Challenger.
Kent: Both exploded, killing all aboard.
Dan: Okay, whatever. The one without the school teacher.

Selina: So the national press is now arriving to this giant metaphor for a clusterfuck of a campaign.
Kent: Actually it's a synecdoche.
Ben: Technically it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.

Kent: Praise the rational equivalent of Jesus.

Jane: So what would you say to someone who might ask, "How can they marry? They're stepsiblings"?
Jonah: I'm not her brother and I never was.
Beth: Except for that one year.
Jonah: That's exactly what Woody Allen did. I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is and if you're going to criticize us then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen and the little Chinese girl.
Beth and Nancy: Exactly!

Lloyd: Jonah, I have always tried to be there for you. That's why I bought your first car and paid for all six years of college, champ.
Jonah: Well how come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick?
Jane: You failed eighth grade math?

Jonah: Do not touch [my mom]! Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else.

Kent: Since this segment first aired, Jonah's numbers are up over three percent. He's tapped into something.
Amy: Yeah, his stepsister.
Ben: It's playing big with non college educated white males, college educated white males, basically white males.
Selina: This entire country is getting more disgusting by the second.
Kent: That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook.

Edited April 15, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Square dance caller: Now bow to your partner.
Gary: Bow to your partner.
Square dance caller: Swing your partner.
Gary: Swing your partner.
Selina: I really don't like being told what to do.

Furlong: Selina, it looks like we're swinging together! I would have brought my wife but she's a squirter and that dress doesn't look like it's been scotchgarded.

Selina: Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer?
Ben: The electoral college hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park.

Selina: Is it just me or does Felix's friend seem a little young?
Ben: He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.

Dan: Is Kim here?
Mike: No. She got fired for sleeping with you. Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship. I should probably thank you. You are looking at the new deputy senior editor. They're putting me up and all I've got to do is sit on some panel for new media innovators.
Dan: What do you know about new media, Mike29748@aol.com?
Mike: Oh, no, I got hacked. It's Mike53729.
Dan: Still at AOL though.
Mike: 'Til I die.

Gary: Ma'am, guess what? Amy's bulimic.
Selina: It's about time. She might want to consider a little more purging and a little less binging. Gawd, that girl can't do anything right.

Selina: Tom! Look what the Gulfstream dragged in. I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule.
Tom: 4:30.

Selina: What's up with Frigid von Pole Up Her Ass?
Tom: That is my deputy chief of staff, Michelle York. She's basically my Amy.
Selina: Well, my Amy has bulimia.
Tom: No one likes a braggart, Selina.

Selina: I want all eyes on Tom now. He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between them like the crosspiece on an Eiffel Tower threeway.
Kent: MMF. The devil's threesome.
Dan: Isn't that Senator Talbot over there?
Selina: I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégé.
Ben: Does she know that?
Amy: I thought I was your protégé.
Selina: No, you're Ben's protégé.
Ben: Not a very good one.

Ben: Senator Talbot might not be a terrible choice for a running mate.
Selina: An all female ticket? I don't think so. The American people work hard for a living. They don't need that kind of bull shit.

Selina: How are things on the Hill?
Kemi: Oh, crazy as ever.
Selina: Did Senator Isles try and grab your ass?
Kemi: Oh, yeah.
Selina: He used to say that mine was like a candy apple.
Kemi: Actually, Senator Isles is under investigation right now.
Selina: For what?
Kemi: For the inappropriate-
Selina: Oh, right, cause that's bad now.

Reporter: What I think we'd really like to get at, Congressman, is what sets you apart from the other candidates?
Jonah: Well, for one thing, I have a lot of new ideas.
Reporter: And what are some of those new ideas?
Jonah: Well, science tells us that it will be difficult, but within five years, I want America to put a man on Ellen Degeneres. Up top!
[Teddy refuses to high five him]
Jonah: It's pretty good, right?
Reporter 2: It's great.
Jonah: She's a lesbian.
Reporter 2: No, we get it.

Teddy: Apparently there's been an anonymous posting about a dead-eyed lantern-jawed one and done congresstard who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner.
Jonah: Okay, well, that could be anybody.
Richard: Sounds like you.
Teddy: Jonah, who have you traumatized? And start with the doctor who delivered you.
Jonah: I haven't traumatized anyone!
Richard: There was your aide, Emma Gray.
Jonah: Schnozz? She was stuck up. I was just calling her on it.
Richard: Congresswomen Troy and Visconi.
Jonah: Monster tits and monster tits junior? All I did there was express some genuine concern that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat.
Richard: At the congressional prayer breakfast.
Jonah: Yeah, that's exactly what Jesus would have done. He's a man too, Teddy.
Teddy: Listen, Jonah, if anybody asks, tell them you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about. Believe me, nobody checks.

Dan: Tom and Felix spent the entire morning braiding each other's bald spots.

Ben: I hope [Dan] is Felix's type.
Kent: In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a wolf and an otter. Some would call a frost otter.

Guy 1: Nice try, grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the twentieth century.
Dan: Uh, I'm thirty nine and a half.
Guy 2: You may want to start coloring that grey. Just a thought.

Selina: Dan fucked you? Were you wearing a full length mirror?

Selina: I did not spend my entire life defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this.

Felix: There's one girl that worked in my office who had four kids.
Selina: What was she, a possum?

Felix: The thing I realized about hip hop before anyone else is the artists would sign away publishing rights for next to nothing.

Jonah: I split the bill on all my dates. Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?

Kent: [Selina]'s having a textbook aneurysm.

Selina: That was the most humiliating experience I've had in my entire life, and I was Vice-President of the United States!

Tom: I had a heart attack eight months ago, quadruple bypass. It's the old James ticker, which I was all for when it killed my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle.

Gary: How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?
Selina: Is it going to explode between my legs and make me come until I cry?
Gary: ...I think it's peppermint.

Dan: Am I getting old? I feel like I'm five minutes away from fiber supplements and voting in midterms. Maybe I've got to stop fooling around. Maybe that's it. Maybe I've got to cut out all the meaningless sex with girls half my age. I mean, you pull it out to come on her tits because you think it's going to make you feel alive but it doesn't matter where you come, Ames. It just doesn't.

Amy: Take a few deep breaths first.
Selina: Don't tell me how to breathe!

Felix: I'm addicted to disruption, especially since I stopped using cocaine.

Felix: An all female ticket?
Selina: The first one since Carter-Mondale.

Gary: Who wants some prosecco?
Selina: No one. Literally no one ever wants prosecco.

Selina: It's America's first two cooter ticket.
Ben: That'll look great on a button.

Kent: I saw [Mike] earlier at the sundae bar struggling with the sprinkle dispenser.

Selina: How dare that smooth shitsack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone that's not me?

Gary: What about this [red dress]? I think it complements Felix's spray tan really well.
Selina: Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva.

Teddy: Even more women are stepping forward to say they never dated you. The NotMe hashag is blowing up big time. It's a goddamn movement.

Reporter 1: Thousands of women have joined NotMe to say that they've never dated you and never will.
Jonah: Thousands of unattractive women.
Reporter 2: Mrs. Ryan, any comment?
Beth: I stand behind these brave unattractive women who have come forward to say NotMe. Once upon a time back in high school, I too did not date Jonah Ryan. Although I did go out with his super handsome cousin Ezra.
Jonah: It's important to note that they only got to third base.
Beth: No comment.

Teddy: It looks we're not the only campaign who farted and had to throw their pants away.

Selina: Back in our old Senate days, [Tom] had a real thing for blonde Hill rats in Nine West pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle.

Selina: You know, what I'd love is a spicy mezcal margarita with light agave and heavy salt. What are you looking at [Tom] for?
Michelle: Ma'am, I'm the senator's deputy chief of staff.
Selina: Oh, congratulations. Then you probably won't fuck it up.

Edited April 15, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[sugarbaker design]

On 4/8/2019 at 5:38 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Selina: It's America's first two cooter ticket.
Ben: That'll look great on a button.

God, I love Ben!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked Maya Angelou.

Kent: We're scrapping tomorrow's schedule. You're making an appearance at the Waterloo county fair.
Ben: Eat a few corndogs.
Selina: The last thing I need is my picture being taken while eating dick shaped food. I'd rather eat a food shaped dick.

Selina: Where is Keith Quinn?
Amy: I have the New York Times interviewing him about running the campaign.
Selina: Maybe somebody should be interviewing the Times about why they write so much about modern dance.
Gary: 36 hours in snoozeville.
Catherine: That was my major.

Selina: How are we going to RU-486 Kemi's campaign? No offense, Amy.

Dan: Kemi just picked up two senators and a union.
Selina: A good union or like teachers?
Dan: Local 74, Iowa asbestos workers.
Selina: Okay, well...
Richard: Actually, my uncle was a shop steward on the seventh floor. Asbestos killed him.
Selina: Oh, no.
Marjorie: I'm sorry, Richard.
Richard: Asbestos was the name of their pitbull. He was a rescue that killed his first owner.
Selina: That's why you have to go to breeders.

Ben: Debate prep. That's how we beat Kemi.
Selina: Fine. Stupid handshakes. Opening statement. Thank you to Date Rape University.

[Andrew appears]
Amy: Fantastic. [Selina's] Achilles cock.

Selina: Can you please find me a real green juice somewhere in Iowa? I've been drinking Odwalla like some country lesbian who just got to the big city.

Leon: I don't know if I should be sad or turned on.

Beth: Improv is Jonah's thing. You should have heard his wedding vows. He did a really funny Chinese voice.
Jonah: Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.

Teddy: We focus tested the ad and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.
Jonah: Well, I don't see vagina color.

Selina: Andrew, you said there was nothing illegal about the fund.
Andrew: I thought we both understood I was lying.

Selina: Can you fuck off?
Keith: Can do, skipper!

Selina: For once, will you tell me the truth? How much money did you steal?
Andrew: Technically it was you that stole the money from the fund because I signed your name on some documents.
Selina: OMIGAWD!
Andrew: Don't worry, Lee. I'll keep you out of it.
Selina: Yeah, don't worry, Lee. You won't get pregnant. I'll pull out and come on your back.
Andrew: Again, I thought we both understood I was lying.

Reporter: Congressman Ryan, how do you feel about being relegated to the undercard debate?
Teddy: No comment.
Jonah: No, comment. I deserve to be in the real debate as much as Selina Meyer and that hot new black lady. It is literally the definition of retarded-
Teddy: The congressman has a very busy schedule.
Jonah: What the fuck, Teddy?
Teddy: You can't say "retarded" in front of a reporter!
Jonah: Why? Is he retarded?
Teddy: No, but you might be.
Jonah: No, my pediatrician ran the test. Besides, if I was, you'd know. I'd have retard face or whatever.

Selina: Where's Kemi?
Kent: Senator Talbot is currently using her campaign app to host a digital town hall meeting.
Selina: Jesus hashtag Christ. Do we have an app?
Kent: Of course we do, ma'am. The current version only asks for donations and for some reason deletes your address book.
Richard: Technically it's more of a virus. I had it but I had to delete it because it was making my phone hot.

Ben: Wow, Mike. You said an actual thing. How the fuck did that happen?
Kent: It's like Flowers for Algernon.
Mike: I understand that reference now. It's a book.

Stephanie: Let's talk about the specific incident that brought you to us.
Jonah: Oh, yeah, the retarded thing.
Stephanie: Yes, exactly. Now when you said that word, congressman, is there another word you could have used that had the same meaning?
Man: And there's no wrong answers.
Jonah: ...Mentally retarded?
Man: No, that's wrong.
Stephanie: I see where your head is at and you are technically correct.
Jonah: Thank you!
Man: And technically also though, you see how you're still using the same form of the hurtful word? You're feeling what I'm saying?
Jonah: Yeah, not really. Can I get another bagel?
Stephanie: It might be a great time to introduce a new strategy that we have developed here called 360 degree perspective taking.
Jonah: Oh, gawd, is that like math?
Man: Actually, it's just a way of using empathy to help avoid hurting other people's feelings.
Jonah: That's so gay.
Man: Umm, what?
Stephanie: Excuse me?
Jonah: Oh, guys, come on. I didn't mean like gay-gay, like this guy and his husband are gay. I meant gay like mentally retarded.

Amy: Would you mind [giving me a ride to the abortion clinic]? Unless you plan on fucking [my sister] again while she's passed out. She doesn't call that rape, by the way. That's just regular sex to her.
Sophie: Don't wear white pants!

Selina: Look at you! You've got chocolate all over your face like a child but you're an adult!

Carnie: What are you, some kind of Green Beret?
Marjorie: I was an agricultural advisor, nothing more.

Dan: Just keep your head down, Ames. I'll part the redneck sea.
Abortion protester: Think of the innocent children!
Amy: You want me to think about the children, you hog fingering fucks? Well, I did think about this. I considered it and I cried and yeah, suck my cock. I even prayed a little and here I am, so you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook. That sign's misspelled.

Ben: Kemi killed her boyfriend.
Selina: What? How is this not all over the news?
Ben: Her records were sealed. She was sixteen and she accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen Cabriolet.
Selina: She is an actual murderer who drives an import? Omigawd, I think I'm going to cry! We've got to spread this news like Kemi's boyfriend's guts all over the pavement.
Ben: Actually he was decapitated.
Kent: We can't use this. Social media is exploding with praise for your non-negative pledge.
Selina: Why did you morons let me do that? Is there any way we can accuse Kemi of murdering her boyfriend but in a positive way?

Doctor: Okay, Miss Brookheimer, I do need to warn you about some of the surgical risks involved.
Amy: Infection, bleeding, uterine perforation, yup, 10-4. Your body is a wonderland. Can I just sign the consent form?
Doctor: Per Iowa law, I do have to offer you the option of viewing the ultrasound.
Amy: Less talk, more abortion!
Doctor: Patient has declined. Okay, we're going to give you some medicine now to help you relax.
Dan: Oh yeah? Do you have any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals?
Amy: No need. Everyone's always telling me to relax and I'm not good at relaxing. I don't want to relax because I HATE relaxing so...

Tom: Selina, you've got no reason to trust me based on-
Selina: Yeah, trying to screw me out of the Presidency then trying to actually screw me then screwing me then writing a book about screwing me.
Tom: I also discussed it on television.

Catherine: This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral. Even the governor's here. Who are all these people?
Richard: Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism - after tornado chasing and coming to town to buy Sudafed.
Marjorie: Is that [cat] a mayor as well?
Richard: No, that's just a cat. Could you imagine? This isn't Nebraska.

Teddy: We're being sued by the sensitivity trainers.
Jonah: Joke's on them because you can't sue the president.

Jonah: What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledore?

Teddy: You have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.

Selina: Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs. Ryan. Or do you go by your maiden name, Mrs. Ryan?
Beth: Either.
Jonah: No, ma'am, she's my half-sister.
Beth: Step.

Richard: It seems I have been appointed the new mayor of Lurlene.
Selina: Don't you have to be a dog?
Richard: Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.

Kent: It seems that Mike just published a piece on Buzzfeed entitled "An Open Letter to Andrew Meyer." "Dear Mr. Andrew Meyer, I have invested my entire life savings with you and have yet to see a single dollar in return."
Selina: Mike's entire life savings? So then we're talking about what? Like six dollars?
Kent: The phrase "Fonzie scheme" is referenced. The article as a whole is not cool.
Selina: Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald on the phone right now.

Kent: So where are you headed after this?
Ben: I've got a neo-Nazi on the dangle in Sweden.
Kent: Only one talking point but they do stick to it.

Dan: How you doing?
Amy: Feels like someone shoved a red hot pair of barbeque tongs up my joy trail.
Dan: Before I forget - frozen maxi pads soaked in comfrey extract. My own personal recipe.
Amy: That is so nice and also cold and disgusting.
Dan: I'm going to need that back when you're done because Leon will pay big bucks for it.

Teddy: How would you like the chance to help lead a divisive, physically repugnant underdog to historic victory?
Amy: You want me to join Jonah's campaign?
Teddy: I'm not going to lie. It's going to be really hard and no fun.

Edited April 15, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: Which one of you donkey dongs was in charge of the balloons?

Kent: "Man up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants.
Selina: It's universal. Men hate women. Women hate themselves.
Leon: The Geraldine Ferraro principle.

Selina: Guys, black people love me. Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas, the civil rights leader, he once said to me that I was the blackest white woman he ever met.
Ben: Ma'am, you do know that this time you're running against an actual black person?
Selina: She's not even all black. Plus I'm going to be Lion Kinging little Richard all around until I tear my rotator cuff.

Bill: I'm going to go hang myself from a sturdy pipe and I'm not even going to bother jacking off.

Jonah: How did Butt Buddy Calhoun do 1% better than me?
Lloyd: Well, you had 3% and he had 4% so actually he did 33% than you.
Jonah: Don't math me, Lloyd. Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb.
Lloyd: Jonah, modern math was invented by Islamic scholars in the seventh century.

Jonah: I can't believe you backed another candidate, Uncle Judas. When I'm President-
Uncle Jeff: Shut the fuck up! When you're President, I'll jam my fist up my dickhole and pull out a forty piece set of Danish cutlery. Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate, not a pool skimmer last used to despunk a Provincetown hot tub party.

Selina: Why are you Gary?
Marjorie: He had an early morning meeting.
Selina: You can't just replace Gary with another lesbian and think I'm not going to notice. Mmm, wow, this tea is the perfect temperature.
Marjorie: Thank you, ma'am. I learned from an Afghani warlord.
Selina: We should put him on the payroll.
Marjorie: You killed him in a drone strike. I've laid out your outfit for the day.
Selina: I never thought before to put the Bottega pumps with the Michael Kors top.
Marjorie: You've been taking fashion advice from a man who dresses like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy.
Selina: That's a solid point.

Dan: The new anti-Kemi mail pieces just came in.
Selina: What the tragic mulatto fuck? Kemi looks like an albino and I'm so black people are going to start calling me articulate.

Selina: If we're not getting the black vote then we have to take a hard turn to the white. Kent, how are we doing with non-college educated whites?
Kent: Underwater, ma'am.
Selina: Then how about college educated whites?
Kent: In South Carolina, that is not a significant slice of the pie.
Selina: Then we're going to have to find a way with non-college educated whites. Like what appeals to them? What do they want?
Kent: Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs, education, and an adequate safety net-
Selina: Okay, I can speak to that.
Kent: I'm not finished, ma'am. To be denied to African-Americans.

Selina: What you need to do is get me in front of huge white audiences, something that makes a NASCAR race look like a Jay-Z concert.
Marjorie: Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people.

Selina: Who cares about an island that doesn't have a Four Seasons on it?

Ben: Don't finish that sentence, ma'am.
Kent: We can't have this discussion. We are still a nation of laws.
Ben: Ish.
Kent: Esque.

Selina: Can't we not not do the thing that we're not talking about?

Tom: Gary, you've grown your hair.
Marjorie: That's an amusing joke, Senator James.

Reporter: I'm here reporting from Lurlene, Iowa, where earlier today an airplane crashed into the local 7/11. Miraculously, there were no fatalities, due in no small part to the heroics of Lurlene's own mayor, Richard Splett. Mayor Splett, what happened?
Richard: A crop duster clipped the power line and bumped into a local 7/11. We're working with FEMA to bring in emergency cigarettes.
Marjorie: I've never been more proud I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

Gary: Here's your fruit!
Selina: Honeydew? If I want to pretend to be in the CNN green room, I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and call it Christiane Amanpour.

Tanz: I need potheads in my prisons. Otherwise there's just murderers and rapists. It makes for a very unpleasant atmosphere. Plus I need more casino licenses for Macau.

Jonah: I just found out from my stupid step father-
Someone: Father in law!
Jonah: From my stupid step father in law that math was created by Muslims. Yeah, and we teach this Islamic math to children. Math teachers are terrorists.
Tanz: I love this!
Teddy: That's it. I may be a registered sex offender, but I cannot be a part of this.
Jonah: Algebra? More like Al Jazeera. Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this sharia math from being taught to American children. No more math! No more math!

Selina: If we lose, it certainly won't be for lack of touching people in Denny's. How's the turnout?
Ben: Like my prostate, mostly black and much larger than we'd like.
Kent: We're seeing unprecedented levels of African-American voter engagement.
Selina: Well, that's terrible. Also inspiring.

Ben: I warned you! You cannot trust the Chinese! I married enough of them to know that.
Selina: Wait, isn't your wife Korean?
Ben: Maybe.

Dan: Oh, I need an itinerary.
Quinn: Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign.
Dan: Wait, I'm fired? Per fucking who?
Quinn: Per Selina. I believe her words were, "If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid." You should flip through your NDA. If you breathe a word of anything, to anyone, we'll slit your throat. Later, gator!

Edited April 29, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ben: A quick stop in Oklahoma City for an hour and a half rally.
Selina: That's an hour and 29 minutes too long in that former Indian concentration camp.

Leon: Here's your speech, ma'am. I dumbed it down even more.
Selina: Good, cause the last one looked like the toilet bowl after William F. Buckley ate a thesaurus.

Ben: Kemi has been getting some death threats.
Selina: Well, then we should leak some of my death threats. I get some, don't I?
Kent: Oh yeah.
Gary: So many.
Leon: Here's a couple that came in while you were on the plane. "I'm going to break your fat arms and strangle you-"
Selina: Wait, I don't have fat arms.
Gary: That's just criminally insane. And regular insane.
Selina: Pick another one. A plausible one.
Leon: "Someone should put a bullet in your shriveled old face."
Selina: No! Just make up some death threats that are nicer.

Selina: Last I heard, you can't run for office and be in prison.
Ben: Well, maybe in the House you can't.

Ben: Your unfavorables are rising past accidental ethnic slur right into men's room incident.

Marjorie: This is the face of clinical depression, ma'am.
Selina: With the hair of a mental patient.
Gary: My kingdom for a barrette.

Selina: Well, this has been a dry fuck on a sandy beach.

Ben: Any luck with the human Möbius strip?

Selina: I could go to jail. I don't look good in jumpsuits. I mean, I do but I don't.

Leon: I've got a buddy at WaPo who's working on a story about South Carolina and possible foreign election interference.
Selina: First of all, call it the Washington Post like a non-asshole. And stop staring at me like I'm some teenage runaway you just strangled.

Selina: First Andrew and now this Washington Post thing? This is like having two different senators with their hands up my skirt - which actually happened to me once during a Supreme Court confirmation.

Selina: Keith Quinn is working with the Chinese.
Ben: Wait, so Quinn is the in-house Chinese asset? I thought it was Kent.
Kent: I assumed it was you.

Selina: What is our play going forward?
Kent: The Joseph Goebbels playbook - accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.
Selina: Steal from the best.

Selina: You need to spend every dime in the faith based, on religious shit ASAP.
Gary: I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how it got there.
Selina: Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a triceratops.

Jonah: I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas so she could give me a hand job in a hot spring.
Beth: It's my birthday.
Amy: Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads. And deadbeat moms.
Jonah: Those are my peeps.

Furlong: Holy shit, Brookheimer. When you get an abortion, you're supposed to supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic, not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor and run it for president.

Furlong: Well, hello, darling!
Beth: Hi!
Furlong: What Saudi prince's rape dungeon did you finger trowel you way out of?
Beth: Uh, Jonah's rape dungeon?
Jonah: In your face!

Furlong: Our government has assigned you your very own secret service detail.
Jonah: Whoa, what?
Furlong: Special agent Youngblood.
Jonah: Youngblood? That's my favorite Rob Lowe movie!
Youngblood: Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.
Jonah: This is like looking in a mirror.
Beth: Yeah, a HOT mirror.
Furlong: Chances are you're still likely to get assassinated but the killer, may God guide his hand, will just have to work a little harder. Sincerest congratulations on all your life choices, Amy.
Amy: Thank you. It pays quite well.
Furlong: Have a good weepy slide down the shower wall this evening.

Dan: I'd say I got here not a moment too soon.
Richard: Because President Meyer fired you?
Dan: Look, Richard, we have an incredible opportunity here. The entire country thinks that you're a hero.
Richard: Except the 7/11 truthers. They say no Jewish people were working in the store that day, but there's no Jewish people in Lurlene.

Amy: You're going to lead off with a nod to the anti-vaccination movement.
Jonah: Yeah, why go to the doctor and get a shot for something you don't even have?
Beth: Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated because it causes autism and now he just has a little bit of autism.
Jonah: And when I was a kid they said the best case scenario was that I had autism. Fucking look at me now!
Amy: Don't use that line up there.
Beth: Don't yell at him cause loud noises make him flip out.  

Jonah: I want to talk about my opponent Selina Meyer. Has anyone noticed that she's been 55 years old forever? Come on, she is totally lying about her age, right?
Guy in crowd: KILL HER!
Jonah: Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.

Selina: They have an actual crowd [at Jonah's rally]? Are they giving away free Tommy Bahama dick cozies?

Selina: I have always been open and transparent about how old I am.
Ben: Yeah, 55.
Kent: I believe it's 53.
Gary: Late 40s.
Selina: You're all correct.

Selina: It's fine. [Kent and Ben] know everything.
Ben: Me so complicit. Me go jail long time.

Richard: Down at the feed store, they're saying your seeds cause cancer.
Sidney: Well, we've paid for seven studies that say it doesn't.

Dan: I'm sorry, you look so familiar. Did we...?
Doctor: Oh, no. I'm an OB/GYN. You brought a woman in to my clinic to have her pregnancy terminated.
Dan: Could you be a little more specific?
Doctor: I'm actually worried she might have some kind of thyroid issue because of her eyes.
Dan: Oh, Amy! Reminds me, I gotta apple pay her for my half.

Selina: Take the coconut out of my muesli for tomorrow morning and you know what you need to do? You need to use tweezers this time because I really thought I could taste your fingers.

Andrew: I had no choice!
Selina: That's what you said about Catherine's freshman year roommate.
Andrew: She had done a gap year abroad. She was not a true freshman.

Selina: I really should have married that gay guy my mother liked.

Andrew: A couple of years ago, a few Beijing businessmen approached me and they wanted the investment expertise of the former President's disbarred ex-husband. No big deal.

Selina: You know Keith Quinn?
Andrew: I knew him as Luther. I met him in Macau at the shark fights.

Andrew: If we could find a fall guy...
Selina: Gary? Honestly, I don't think people are going to buy a guy who calls vaginas "crinkem crankums" is going to be able to pull off some sort of multi-million dollar fraud.

Amy: Jonah, we still need a copy of your birth certificate and the New Hampshire vital records office cannot find it.
Jonah: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I was born in Toronto.
Amy: Toronto, Canada?
Jonah: I don't know!

Amy: Is that what a real orgasm feels like?
Jonah: Ugh, do women have those?
Beth: That's what I've been telling you!

Marjorie: I think you know I'm a very traditional woman, though I do seem to topple the patriarchy by queering heteronormative tropes.
Selina: Are you talking about your outfit?

Andrew: I honestly never thought it would come to this, but I've had a suitcase packed and ready to go by the door for the last twenty years. I still have mee maw's boat.
Selina: The Labor Day? You told me it sank.
Andrew: I told you I reported it sunk to insurance. I could take it down to Cuba and from there, you know I've long felt a deep connection with the land of Israel and their non-extradition treaty.
Selina: You can't just disappear and I can't have people thinking I'm Jewish. We're right in the middle of the primaries.
Andrew: It's the best thing for both of us. The only thing they have on you is me.
Selina: That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.

Kent: The false accusations are working.
Selina: Oh, then they're no longer false.
Kent: It's basically a two woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.
Selina: That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.

Ben: I don't like when people feel they have to get closer to talk to me. It usually means they're going to be facing a longer prison sentence.
Selina: I saw Andrew.
Ben: The prosecution rests.
Selina: We talked about a trip he might take out of the country.
Kent: I will add "tampering" to our list of charges.
Selina: But if we were able to give him a going away gift, he might be able to turn it into a staycation.
Kent: And bribery.
Selina: Gary, how much is left in that whole faith based?
Gary: I spent it all on bibles for the homeless.
Selina: You spent millions on leatherbound hobo toilet paper?

Dan: I was an alcoholic. I was in a relationship with a blonde, uncaring, bug-eyed rageaholic.
Mike: I used to work with someone just like that!

Selina: What do you think it says?
Kent: I don't read Mandarin, ma'am.
Selina: Well when do the new Kents come out? Do we have any friends at state?
Kent: We have find someone who can read Mandarin but have no idea what it means.
Ben: Like a brain-damaged Chinaman.
Selina: Or woman.
Kent: Or the adopted child of someone with brain damage.

Jonah: Gawd, mom, don't you have a file marked "important shit" that has baby teeth in it and my VHS copy of Night Eyes 2 starring Shannon Tweed?
Jonah's mom: Yes, and that's the first place I looked.

Jonah: Name - Jonah Joy Ryan. Weight - six pounds. Length - twenty six inches. Yeah, that's right. Twenty six inches.

Jonah: Lloyd is my real dad?
Amy: Oh, of course he is.
Jonah's mom: I tried to tell you a hundred times, Joanie. Do you want a snack?
Jonah: No. I'm not talking to you. Fine. Mac and cheese. I can't believe this. And ketchup.
Jonah's mom: That's why we went to Canada. We didn't tell anyone because Lloyd and I are second cousins.
Jonah: Mom, that is vomitrocious. I could've been born with something wrong with me.
Jonah's mom: I never thought that this would be a problem and then the two of you eloped so I just decided not to think about it. That's the best solution sometimes.
Beth: Wait, is Lloyd still my dad?
Jonah: Nobody knows. But you're now officially my step-sister.
Amy: HALF sister!

Selina: Is this what it feels like to be a man?

Ellen: I want to be president when I grow up.
Kent: You cannot.

Selina: Goddammit, we can't even commit treason right?

Edited April 29, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: The woman who freed Tibet is finally getting her Nobel Peace Prize.
Kent: Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am. You've won the Summit Peace Award of the World Summit of Nobel Peace Laureates.
Ben: It's kind of like the Peace Prize Junior.
Selina: The American voters don't know the difference, and, frankly, neither do I.
Leon: Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel to work on your acceptance speech.
Selina: Okay, I don't know what that's a euphemism for but, Leon, you need to really lay it on thick, okay? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
Leon: You bet, you bet, you bet.
Selina: I want to sound like Bono trying to impress his own reflection in the mirror.

Selina: Hey, was that Colonel Al-Saleh, the Butcher of Juba, back there by the carving station?
Kent: The Nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table, ma'am. At this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building.
Selina: My Nobel prize really makes the point that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.
Ben: I think it's pronounced "half-white."
Selina: Well, tomato, mulatto.

Selina: I just need to get in a room with Lu, one on one, so I can change his mind about supporting me for president. Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything. 
Ben: That's not true. 
Kent: Incorrect.
Selina: You're both wrong.
Ben and Kent: You're right.

Selina: Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David. He eye-fucked [Minna] so bad he got retinal herpes.

Minna: So my last three lovers, they are complaining that my naughty talk is both incessant and soporific.
Selina: Maybe you should let them choke you.
Minna: You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk?

Murman: I recently bought an English football club. 
Selina: Oh, wonderful! 
Murman: Leeds United. No English players, so pretty good team.

Murman: Selina, crazy idea I have. What if I gave you money to help you win your election?
Selina: America does not stand for foreign interference in our elections! Who do you think that I am? 
Murman: Yes, of course, of course. 
Selina: It's an outrage!
Murman: New topic. I want to buy your Palm Beach house for $114 million.
Selina: Needless to say, real estate is a different animal.
Murman: They're not making any more of it, right?
Selina: Everybody's gotta live somewhere.
Murman: I'd rather deal with the Russian mob than with those real estate people.
Selina: It's because they're unethical, that's what they are.
Murman: Because they are working on commissions.
Selina: Yes! Six percent? It's abject greed, in my view.
Murman: The 114 million would be wired from the Seychelles to Malta then back to the Seychelles and then to you.
Selina: I'm very flattered, Murman, I really am, but your timing is horrendous.
Murman: Ahh. To live is to suffer, Selina. The human condition. 
Selina: Yes.
Murman: White people problems, right?

Quinn: You're going to do exactly what we say or else we'll tell the whole world how you vaporized a DRA leader's wedding with Hellfire missiles and also took a huge laser-guided shit all over Pakistani sovereignty.
Selina: Okay, A, that never happened. And B, that footage is highly classified.
Quinn: It was classified until somebody on your staff clicked on Asian Girls Bound and Gagged.
Selina: Oh, Ben. Or Kent. Or Leon. Oh, gawd. Or Marjorie.

Amy: Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, and kombucha douching private school moms.
Jonah: That's the real America.

Jonah: Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad?
Siri: I don't know how to respond to that.
Jonah: Typical woman.

Minna: Is everything all right?
Selina: Yeah, everything's completely fine, Minna.
Minna: No. I can see the concern in your eyes, even through all the procedures. What is it? Is it about the wedding?
Selina: He told you?
Minna: He would not stop talking about it. He used the phrase "complete atrocity."
Selina: Complete atrocity? Minna, listen. So I droned a couple wedding civilians on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border.
Minna: I thought you were talking about your daughter's wedding to your homosexual doppelganger.

Minna: Selina, you have put me in a terrible situation. You have just admitted to being a war criminal.
Selina: Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes to war criminals, Minna?
Minna: All the time. Aung San Suu Kyi, Henry Kissinger, and also, the prize that you're getting, it is not the Peace Prize. 
Selina: Oh, don't start with that! 
Minna: It is a second-tier Peace Prize. 
Selina: No. 
Minna: It is made of very hard plastic.

Selina: Come on, wait up. Minna. Just a second! Sweet Viking Christ! Come on! Just call Interpol back. Tell them that you made a mistake.
Minna: I am sorry, Selina. I have a commitment to the principles of truth and justice.
Selina: As the former president of the United States, truth and justice can gargle my balls.
Ben: Move the fuck out of my way.
Kent: Ma'am, the ICC has issued a warrant for your arrest for war crimes.
Selina: That's because autistic Barbie here tattled on me over the wedding drone strike. 
Ben: Which one? 
Selina: Nope. The DRA guy. 
Kent: Which was the only one.
Selina: Correct.

Minna: Selina, if you request it, I can offer you asylum. You can stay here at the embassy!
Selina: I'd just as soon stay at an Embassy Suites.
Ben: Ma'am it's your only shot.
Selina: Really? Fine. I'll stay here.
Minna: Good. Now you must formally request asylum.
Selina: Yeah, I'm just gonna go. They can shoot me as I make a run for it.
Minna: Fine. On behalf of the Finnish Ambassador to Norway I grant you asylum.
Gary: She prefers the word "spa."

Dan: Welcome to your new office, Lieutenant Governor Splett. Here we go. Wait. What? No. This is where you stick an unfuckable intern.
Richard: Oh, no. When I was a summer intern for Lieutenant Governor Plasko back in seventh grade, I was in a much bigger office.
Dan: We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. Last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.
Richard: Sounds like a settings issue.

Dan: Governor, we have the utmost respect-
Ballantine: Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.

Selina: Yes, I'm still holding for Secretary Doyle. How long does it take to change an adult diaper?

Minna: I forgave you for not voting for me to be the head of the IMF.
Selina: Minna, you don't go to prison when you're not the head of the IMF. 
Minna: Just the prison of unmet potential.

Amy: Streptococksucker. Do you have the chicken pox?
Jonah: Clay gave 'em to me, yell at him.
Amy: Omigawd, you Patient IQ Zero! You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations!
Jonah: Well, serves them right. Didn't you have chicken pox as a child? Or were you too busy bedwetting and cutting fuck holes in watermelons?
Jonah: Amy, that only works with fleshy melons. 
Beth: Duh. 
Jonah: And sometimes pumpkins.

Lloyd: I love you, Jonah.
Jonah: I love you too, Daddy. No homo.

Ben: It turns out Americans don't give a flying fatwa if you drone a bunch of Muslims.
Kent: Your favorables have never been higher, ma'am. For polling purposes, you're practically a generic white male. 
Selina: This is incredible! I feel like the Grim Reaper just dropped his scythe and started eating me out!

Catherine: I found the perfect [wedding] dress at the Oslo Medieval Festival. 
Gary: Ohh, I doubt it.

Ben: Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer to fuck here.

Richard: Governor, it's so nice of you to come with us to comfort Jonah.
Ballentine: Jonah Ryan has as much chance of becoming president as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat, but if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of a state to become his Ag Sec, it's gonna be this pigfucker.
Richard: I didn't realize that was a job requirement. 

Catherine: What do you think? Beige or Tuscan beige?
Gary: Tough call. They are the same.

Selina: I didn't know the theme of the wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters.

Gary: Those sandwiches aren't gonna finger themselves.

Marjorie: What has your mother done now?
Catherine: She used our wedding as a diversion to escape from the Norwegian National Police!
Marjorie: Smart.

Gary: Uh I'm sorry. Who taught you to do a smoky eye?
Marjorie: Joint Special Operations Command. JSOC.
Gary: Aha. It's not bad.

Murman: I have helped many tunnel escapes. Funny story.  Once I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, but in fact, I just buried him alive. Actually, it was her, but story is funnier with a man, huh? In these #MeToo days, you know?
Selina: Actually, I think it could work with a woman. Either way, it's a very good story.
Kent: Beginning, middle and end. Plus a lesson.
Murman: But I would never, ever buried alive my dear old friend Selina.
Selina: Chivalry is not dead, Murman.
Murman: No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana, and she's definitely dead.
Selina: Yeah, I think the story does work better with a man.
Murman: That was my first instinct. Now my car will take you to the airport and the airplane is waiting to run out of gas and drop you into the North Sea.
Selina: What?
Murman: Just kidding!

Dan: Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to work at the White House.
Amy: You barely worked at the White House.
Dan: Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office you're an unstable slut.
Amy: It's a new dress.

Selina: Look, Lu, we have always been able to do business together. If I'm elected, the U.S. is going to import a shit ton more of your tainted baby formula and defective drywall. 
Lu: A little secret. Different label, same product.

Lu: Is being president in a democracy even that great? 
Selina: Well, it's barely a democracy, so -
Lu: I agree with that.

Selina: We have to start thinking about the convention and possible veep candidates. There are a lot of people I want to snub.

Selina: What the hell? What's going on here? I thought nobody gave two Osama bin Shits about the drone strike.
Kent: This is about killing elephants.
Ben: There's two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.

Jonah: As many of you know, it has been a difficult week for me with the death of my dumb father and my hot wife going into rehab, which, when you think about it, kinda makes her hotter. But with the Lord's help, I got through it. And when I say Lord, I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one. Now there has been a lot of debate about whether vaccines do or do not kill people. And they do. That's just science. But the other real killer is diseases. And how do these diseases get into America? Immigrants. 
Guy in crowd: Kill 'em! 
Jonah: Yeah! Well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of them. There are some good immigrants. Beyoncé? There was this guy down the street from my house - he had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe. That guy stays. But we are not going to stop diseases unless we close our borders! From now on, no one in, no one out!

Reporter: Governor, now that you're a super-delegate, have you given any thought as to who you're going to be endorsing at the convention?
Richard: Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Did we win?
Selina: Oh, yeah. I'm the president, and you're the first lady.
Gary: Oh, we would crush it.

Selina: Keep on getting it out there that I plan on choosing Governor DeVito as my veep cause we might get a few more delegates out of this.
Kent: Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic-
Selina: Omigawd, is that still a thing?
Kent: Two time Ohio governor, 18 electoral college votes.
Selina: Most importantly, he has a penis.

Selina: You might want to double check that penis.
Ben: That's Kent's job.

Jonah: Mr. Chairman, I would just like to point out that the official count cannot be trusted.
Furlong: Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck. You are not going to desecrate my convention with more of this Muslim math nonsense.
Jonah: How do you explain that when I add up my delegates with Christian math-
Buddy: Amen!
Jonah: The number is quite different than the official total?
Furlong: Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, Hep C Kevin McHale.

Selina: What is Leon doing with [Kemi]?
Ben: Installing cameras in all her closets and bathrooms.

Kemi: So what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?
Selina: Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, senator.
Kemi: Well, there it is, that casual Meyer attitude towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband. 
Gary: Ex-husband.
Jonah: Step-husband.
Selina: If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.
Furlong: Hey, all right! Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit but she can still come.
Selina: Hitting a little close to home there, Roger, minus the big titted part.

Furlong: Just offer her veep. You and Kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket is going make everyone rock hard.

Ben: Nice try, Amy.
Amy: Ben, we've already got Florida. We've got a buttload of delegates.
Ben: Your offer is as appealing as a sriracha enema so fuck your offer and fuck you. It's always good to see you.
Amy: You too. I miss you guys.

Selina: Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them?

Selina: In the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, I would rather cheese grater my clit.

Marjorie: Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men have any natural affinity. As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein was physically disgusted by male homosexuals. 
Gary: Excuse me? 
Selina: How'd she feel about tedious lesbians? 
Marjorie: Big fan, ma'am.

Selina: Pretend to talk to me about numbers.
Kent: The most compelling number to me is not a number at all. It's a concept. 
Selina: I said pretend, okay?
Kent: I was pretending. My favorite number is Euler's number.

Selina: The rest of the delegates will have to fall in line and Kemi can go and suck lecture circuit dick in hell. And by hell, I mean the Kennedy School.

Kent: The floor whips are picking up a rumor that Buddy is flirting with endorsing Kemi.
Selina: Oh, please. Buddy's not flirting with anything that's not wearing a leather vest and a Nazi cap.

Buddy: God created men's rooms and women's rooms, not everyone rooms.I don't want to go into a bathroom and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals. I want that person that I'm next to to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men.
Selina: Glory glory hole-elujah.

Dan: ABC News is doing a piece on presidential also-rans who can almost suck their own dicks so while you're in makeup, why don't you go talk to them?
Jonah: Oh, like you've never tried.

Mike: All right, let's talk turkey, governor. 
Richard: Wonderful pets.

Dan: Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you - 25 things that no one knows about you.
Richard: Well, number one is I love lists.

Selina: Amy, we've been working together a really long time, it just occurred to me, and you've always been like a-
Amy: Daughter? 
Selina: Sister to me.
Gary: More like a childless aunt.
Selina: I just thought for old times' sake I might throw you a bone. Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr. Moreau to back me on the second ballot tonight and we might be able to find something for him at Ben? Where can he do the least amount of harm?
Ben: EPA.

Jonah: Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts. This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me. I was right! And that means I should be president!

Amy: We just got denounced by the ACLU. We are going to win this thing!

Uncle Jeff: Ever since you were little, I've been telling your mom, "Someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours is gonna do great things!"
Jonah: I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester and use the money to get her tubes tied.

Selina: Assemblyman, I have been to Buffalo six times and I'm not even a serial killer.

Ben: The captain of the Texas delegation says that all of his bum steers are stampeding towards Jonah.
Kent: We cannot lose Texas. Texas is our firewall!
Selina: Listen, Ben, you gotta go back to Texas right now, okay? And just tell them they can violate me with their assault rifles and a full slab of ribs on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks.

Selina: That's not fucking funny, Kent.
Kent: I haven't been funny since 1987.

Dan: Politico's reporting that Jonah's talking to you about the Secretary of Commerce.
Richard: I wish. Sounds much better than the conversation we were having about why his urine is pink. We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are. Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason.
Dan: Richard, look, there was no offer, okay? It was me, all right? I pulled that turd out of my ass, covered it in ketchup, and Politico asked for seconds.
Richard: You could've ended that sentence at "me."

Dan: One thing is clear after this runaway ferris wheel of a convention, and that's that Montez is going to be president for another four years.
Richard: Well, makes sense. She made me proud to be an American again.
Dan: Okay, but after that, it's Splett time.
Richard: We can't call it that unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast.

Selina: No, senator, this whole Meyer fund story is a distraction, sir, the way a magician does tricks to distract you from how depressing his life is.

Gary: Omigawd! [Ben]'s having a heart attack! 
Kent: Eighth time's a charm. 
Selina: Omigawd! Stay here with us, Ben! I don't know the names of any of the floor whips.
Kent: We need EMTs up at the Meyer box, stat. White male, type 2 diabetes. Also type 1.

Selina: I honestly think I might be in hell.
Kent: No such place, ma'am. The concept of hell is a cultural memory of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice among proto-Judean peoples.
Selina: You're making a strong case for hell.

Tom: Well, it's been fun. Let's do this again at Ben's next cardiopulmonary event.

Selina: Can't say I blame you. I mean, that nutmeg state indefinable really turns my hydrant on. The only difference is that I was the most exciting conquest of his life and you just had the motel room closest to the ice machine.
Michelle: I don't know what you're talking about because I am the senator's chief of staff-
Selina: Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now, but trust me, he will never see you as anything other than the TGI Friday's hostess on Proactiv who lets him bend you over his desk while you close your eyes to avoid coming face to face with that framed photo of his family's trip to Aspen while he drowns your Little Mermaid back tat in a pool of jizz and admires his own reflection. I just hate to see smart women throw away their political careers on powerful men who only see them as the gash of least resistance.

Selina: Governor Calhoun, what do I have to do to get your support?
Buddy: President Meyer, I'm a simple man-
Selina: I see that.
Buddy: Of faith. But after this bathroom incident-
Selina: That was just an accident, really. Free to pee, you and me, right?
Buddy: Madam President, homosexuality is no laughing matter. 
Selina: Okay.
Buddy: Pernicious homosexuals are luring decent, God-fearing heterosexual men into sin and sweaty degradation.
Selina: Mmm. You know, Buddy, I gotta tell you something. It happens and you can't beat yourself up about it. 
Buddy: What? 
Selina: Never mind. Governor, I am prepared to offer you Secretary of Education. How about that?
Buddy: Well, ma'am, as excited as I would be to remove dinosaur theory from the curriculum, I am just a little bit uneasy about all this Meyer fund scuttlebutt.

Selina: I think we're buddies now, aren't we? 
Buddy: Oh, yeah, very much.
Selina: Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex?
Buddy: Well, under certain circumstances.

Selina: Ma'am, you wanted to see me?
Kent: That's incorrect.
Selina: Ugh. Not in that outfit.

Selina: Amy, I want to offer Jonah the VP slot. 
Kent: What? 
Selina: Yeah. It's the only move we have left now and we're going to have to get it done today.
Kent: Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here. You don't have to do this.
Selina: Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy.
Kent: Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome.
Selina: Amy, you want to talk some sense into him? 
Amy: Don't do it. 
Selina: What?
Amy: Don't make Jonah your VP.
Selina: Wow, you know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.
Amy: Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president.
Selina: There's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, DC. Being vice president is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit. It is a fate worse than death. Besides, I'm not going to die cause I got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal! 
Amy: I am begging you, please.
Kent: Ma'am, I'm entreating, supplicating, beseeching-
Selina: Enough! I didn't come to North Carolina to lose. I don't even like to change planes here.

Amy: She is offering you vice president, you monument to vaginal dryness.

Jonah: I have one condition. 
Selina: Oh, shit. 
Jonah: I want my best friend Richard-
Beth: And your only friend.
Jonah: I want Richard to be secretary of farm shit.
Selina and Amy: He'll have to fire Dan.
Amy: Why do you want to fire him?
Selina: Just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier. You know, feminism.
Jonah: That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks.

Marjorie: Are you out of your fucking mind, gram-ma'am?

Delegate: The great state of North Carolina, the home of historically black Fayetteville State University and historically white Duke University, would like to yield to the great state of Maryland!

Furlong: This Meyer fund thing isn't going away. It's stickier than a red wine and curry dump. We can't have a damaged nominee.
Selina: I know.
Furlong: Somebody's gonna go down for this, Selina.
Will: Like myself on any traveling German businessman at a Dubuque Radisson breakfast 
Furlong: Not now, Will! Read the room!

Dan: What did we get?
Richard: President Meyer offered me Secretary of Agriculture.
Dan: Yes, Richard! Secretary of Swag-riculture! Omigawd, yes! I'm going back to Washington, baby!
Richard: But-
Dan: No buts, Richard. For once in your life, don't think so much. Just say yes. 
Richard: Yes. 
Dan: Good man.
Richard: But the "but" was: "But you have to fire Dan." So I guess you're fired. 
Dan: What?
Richard Thanks for making this easy on me.

Jonah: Hi, Sue.
Amy: Sue, the Vice President would like a minute with the President.
Sue: The President told me to pencil you in to half past go fuck yourself.
Jonah: Sue, when I am President-
Sue: You won't be.
Jonah: If you want to work for me-
Sue: I don't.
Jonah: Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve. 
Sue: I am.

Jonah: How does Mike have more hair than I do?
Beth: Maybe because he has two testicles.
Jonah: Montez looks good. I'd still do her.
Beth: Count me in.
Jonah: I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral anyway.
Beth: Then it's a good thing you got impeached so they didn't have to invite you.

Kent: We have 40 head of alpaca now, 17 on the way. My daughter's stepping down from NASA to take over the ranch so I can focus on my watchmaking.
Bill: We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made.
Amy: Best. Best. Our greyhounds are our kids. Kent, do you still keep in touch with Ben's widow? I forget her name.
Dan: Betcha Ben did too. Amazing he hung on as long as he did, the fat fuck. How long's it been, Ames?
Amy: Dan. I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born.
Dan: 2019, yeah.

Mike: And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble. They're fumbling around the crypt, but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way.
Marjorie: Typical.
Mike: But now they've got it and there she goes, sliding right in there.

Mike: Breaking news. I've just been told that four time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88. The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia 2 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family.

Edited May 15, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo