Favorite Quotes: "I Don't Know What to Say So I'm Just Whispering"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: There is sexual tension on this bus.
Gary: From...?
Selina: [scoffs] Tom.
Gary: Towards...?
Selina: Me!
Gary: Right.
Selina: I never told you this but I think it was about twelve years ago, we almost...
Gary: Kissed?
Selina: Fucked.

Mike: We can track the storm from here. I have a weather app.
Selina: We have the full power of the national weather service, Mike.
Mike: Sure. But this is a really good app.

Richard: A joke's not a joke unless everyone can laugh at it.
Jonah: This is what I have to look forward to. A bunch of halfwit jokers trying to grab my balls.

Richard: You've lived a very interesting life. You should write your memoirs.
Doyle: I was veep, they polled other candidates, fucked me in my slack old ass. Sound like a bestseller?
Richard: I'd read it. I'd read anything though. I love to read.

Sidney: Look at me. I have more White House staff than the White House.

Jonah: This is ridiculous. My talents are being wasted here. I'm like Picasso and I'm stuck painting fences.

Jonah: VP Doyle's a lame duck, and you know what you do with lame animals?
Richard: Care for them.
Jonah: You shoot them dead.
Richard: Right. Gotcha. Kinder in the long run actually.

Dan: Listen, I invited Nicola.
Amy: Didn't you move in with her once?
Dan: For like a month. She didn't like my untidiness or my other girlfriends.

Amy: Haha, I hope your vagina falls off!

Jonah: Richard, I don't look like a middle aged woman, do I?

Kent: Fun fact - there are three kinds of syrup: boysenberry, maple, and buttermilk.
Mike: Buttermilk is not a syrup.

Gary: You listen to me. You are Beyoncé. He is backup booty.

Ben: Six hours until flying cow time. This is a potential tragedy that could be great for you.

Tom: Sometimes you have to gamble. Unfortunately, our horse did not win.
Selina: No, it certainly didn't. It fell at the first fence and it got shot and now some French fucker's got it in a baguette.

Edited June 6, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Totale]

Continuity With Change.  Perfect.

[opus]

Dans boss: Amy, do you want Dans office and parking spot?

Amy: Yes please.

[pivot]

Continuity With Change.  Perfect.

That was the best part of the episode by far.

I was hoping Amy seeing that Chief of Staff at the spa was going to end with her leaving the spa and stealing the CoS's job. I wanted her to land on her feet instead of having to lobby for that sleaze.

[Sesquipedalia]

You need to calm. down. Go to a spa. Go to a Pilates class. Go to a fucking church. Find someone there that has some valium, and take four of them.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bill: We're asking people to vote yes. We're doing what we should be doing. We're just doing it badly. Don't worry, Mike. We have a team of our worst people on this: Cazelli, Lenox, the usual saps, Jonah, Richard.

Congressman Moyes: How did they write this thing? Get drunk and tape crayons to their feet?
Jonah: Well, what if I told you that [section of the bill] was gone?
Moyes: But it isn't gone, is it?
Richard: No, sir. It's still there,
Jonah: But what if it was gone?
Richard: Oh, that's a good point.
Jonah: Thank you.
Moyes: You're the best the White House has to offer?
Jonah: Yes, sir.
Moyes: Two giant children in their dads' suits.

Ben: So, Tom, how are you finding our President?
Tom: Oh, you know, presidential. It's like she wants to run the whole damn country.
Ben: You know, the last guy, he was the same way.
Tom: We agreed she's going to stay President. We have to do everything we can to stop that bill. So...are you?
Ben: You know, you just started that last sentence with a "we" and you finished it with a "you."

Amy: This is akin to heart surgery with a pair of spoons.

Tom: The President is qualified to be President because she is President.

Kent: It's like something out of a political cartoon.
Ben: What? You mean not funny?

Dan: Great. Joker and Penguin beat us to it.

Tom: Well this is a long glass of frozen strawberry fuck up.

Dan: You colossal fucking fanny pack!

Dan: You're so stupid you don't even know that you're being used for your stupidity.

Tom: Everyone shut your fucking holes! The President is not sick. You guys are. You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity. [to Bill] I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster. [to Mike] You're a Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin. [to Kent] And Nazi doctor. [to Gary] I don't even know what the fuck you are.

Selina: Call NASA. They gotta have a satellite that can pinpoint a moron.

Jonah: If you want to catch a fugitive, you have to think like a fugitive. Where's he going?
Richard: The airport.
Dan: Why would he be going to the airport?
Jonah: To catch a plane, Dan.
Dan: You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.
Jonah: Dan, I'm not getting a ticket. That's the kind of shit that comes back to bite you in the ass when you run for office.
Dan: Yeah, that's what's going to hold you back.

Selina: I feel like I'm about to kick it old school and die in office.

Bill: You can't come in. That comes from the President.
Amy: Well, [Selina]'s a bitch.
Bill: I'll tell her you said hi.

Bill: I'll see you around. And by that I mean please stay away from me.

Mike: There's Pierce. He even walks dumb.
Selina: Every time I see him, I hear circus music.

Selina: I won by not winning.

Ben: Mike, you have to deny this like you've never denied anything before.
Mike: So lie, the one thing I've been trying not to do?
Ben: Look, I wouldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself, and while that isn't true, find some comfort in it.

Mike: She sounds like an underwater Bob Dylan.

Edited June 6, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum update

[Ms Blue Jay]

Joker and Penguin.  Hahahahahhaha.  Thanks for this recap ElectricBoogaloo.

 

[to Bill] I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster. [to Mike] You're a Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin. [to Kent] And Nazi doctor. [to Gary] I don't even know what the fuck you are.

 

Re-Quoted for Excellence.

 

Dan, to Gary:  You know at least three of these kids are probably mine.

 

Amy, to Dan:  You shouldn't call people bitches. You shouldn't say that anymore.  Unless it's like, "Biiiiiiiiiiitch" (waves finger), something like that.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Ms Blue Jay

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rakes: Pardon me being blunt, but why did Families First fail?
Ben: It happens. Rain gonna fall. Bars gonna close. Bills gonna fail.
Rakes: There's a job for you at Hallmark, Mr. Cafferty. You don't seem upset that the bill failed.
Bill: If I had kids, which actually I do, this bill would be my baby.

Dan: We were consultants, not lobbyists.
Brewer: And what's the difference?
Amy: You ask to be consulted. A consultant consults the client whereas a lobbyist lobbies on behalf of the client.
Brewer: You're not telling me the difference. You're just turning nouns into verbs.

Jonah: Dan Egan is a solid five and a half, weak six.

Rakes: Can you tell us who was responsible for the data breach?
Ben: No. Well, I mean yes. It's a matter of public record that Dan Egan was fired because of his relation to the data breach. I mean, you could have googled that.
Rakes: That's not my question. Was he responsible?
Ben: Well Washington needed a sacrifice so we all ran and took out our pitchforks and set fire to the wicker Dan.
Brewer: Okay, so why did he deserve to go if he was innocent?
Ben: You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens.

Bennett: Do you recall a document shared on a J drive titled "The Jonad Files"?
Dan: No, ma'am.
Amy: That doesn't ring a bell.
Bennett: So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad"?
Rakes: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.
Dan: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the documentation-
Rakes: Okay maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J. Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jack Off, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection."
Jonah: Do we have to go through all of these?
Rakes: "The Pointless Giant, The Sixty Foot Virgin, Gympanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, Twelve Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Cum in His Own Hand, Guyscraper, the Cloud Botherer, Supercalifragilisticexpialidickcheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Pubacca."
Jonah: Uh, my college friends called me Tall McCartney.

Bennett: Was there ever any contact between testicles and hands?

Tom: Gary Walsh is a 12 year old boy trapped in the body of a 12 year old girl.

Edited June 6, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum update

[Ms Blue Jay]

Jonah:  She is playing you... like a cheap....

Amy:  Careful.

Richard:  Like an X-Box.

 

Richard:  I also, uh, saw it.  I can't stop thinking about it.  It's like a bell... that can't be un-rung.

Bennett:  Where did it happen?

Richard:  Around the spheres?

Bennett:  I meant where, in the workplace.

Richard:  Oh yes I'm sorry.  Uh, it uh, in a hallway, same time as Dan.  

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Richard: That scrotum situation's really working out for you, sir.

Ben: Election nights are my cocaine. It used to be election nights and cocaine were my cocaine.
Tom: If Fox says it's close, then it must be. Then again, they said the rapture was close.

Sue's friend: I really only know Amy as the woman who rushed everywhere clutching her phone like it contained her frozen embryos.
Sue: She's a workaholic. Works frantically to avoid dealing with her weird mix of lack of self worth and narcissism. I really like her.

Tom: O'Brien can't be President. He's still contracted to be the KFC logo.

Sue: Amy, I saw your instability on tv. Call me when you get this. Get someone else to dial if you're in a straitjacket.

Selina: Screw this whole sloppy backseat blow job of a night.

Kent: Hang on, the Wisconsin call has been rescinded.
Catherine: You mean they went back on the call?
Kent: Yes, hence my saying that they had.
Mike: Rescinded is not a word that's immediately clear.
Karen: This is a 360 degree turn.
Kent: It's 180.

Tom: Go back to the shire, you moon-faced hobbit!

Anna: Sing with me!
Sue: No.

Tom: Fuck Iowa. I'd say nuke it, but I think someone already did.

Selina: Try chewing with your mouth closed. See how that works.

Dan: You can't predict everything all the time, can you? Even though that is your job.

O'Brien: I'm taking the White House. Please leave the hot tub on.

Amy: With all due respect, you need to get your shit together now, lady. Ma'am up. You're still the leader of the free world.

Edited May 8, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[abcfsk]

I think my favorite quote of the season is 

 

Andrew Doyle: "If you want to play a game, Danny, why don't you try working an iPad with your dick?", 

with Amy quickly responding (while chuckling at her joke) "Oh he's already got carpal tunnel in that area."

 

For the delivery more than anything. 

Edited June 18, 2015 by abcfsk

[link417]

Rewatching Season One and had to add some of my faves:

Mike: Stop looking at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.

Sue: I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Selina: What happens if you scroll down? [Nothing] What happens if you scroll up?

Sue: ...That's the past, ma'am.

Selina: That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo!

Dan: I thought---

Selina: ---No, no, no! Let me be clear: It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS!

Also, all the nicknames for Selina and Jonah get an honorable mention.

Edited October 21, 2015 by link417

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club. Didn't those founding fuckers ever hear of an odd number?
Ben: Two great Greek contributions to society - democracy and getting fucked up the ass.

Selina: I've tried both and they're way overrated. Like jazz.
Gary: My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister.
Selina: Well this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest. I'll tell you something too. There is no world in which I am going to vice president to that smug Dick Van Dyke looking motherfucker Tom James.

Selina: The only thing Catherine ever finished was an ice cream cake.

Amy: I've been on the phone all night with these clueless constitutional law experts of ours. I don't know what's getting their dicks harder - an electoral college tie or talking to a girl.

Ben: It's a stress pimple. I get them on my ass all the time.

Mike: I'm going to be a dad!
Selina: You're a nincompoop.

Selina: How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him?
Kent: Three.

Amy: Every day you have to do the one thing O'Brien can't do.
Selina: Yeah, drive sober.
Ben: Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Ben: There's only one person I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt. You're as welcome here as a swastika shaped shit in a synagogue.

Greg: You gotta get out there and make a name for yourself. You ran one campaign for two weeks and had a nervous breakdown.
Dan: That is medically inaccurate.
Greg: Go out, win a race with a Jesus loving homophobic homosexual or a racist billionaire. Then we can talk about a career in tv.

Richard: I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the west.
Amy: You have a doctorate?
Richard: Two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine, which is my fall back.

Jonah: [Selina]'s Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and kills all the muggles.

Ben: Wow, I thought your last one was flowery vacuous nonsense. This one is much worse. Excellent, Mike.

Selina: You baked a fucking souffle on my face!

Selina: How come no one ever tries to assassinate a vice-president?

Sidney: "You can't fire me. I quib."
Dan: You know that's supposed to say "quit."
Sidney: Well I just fired you anyway. You can't quib, you rebard!

Ben: Ma'am, someone opened a twitter account for the pimple. It's called POTUS, pimple of the United States.

Tom: Madame President, it is a huge honor but I have to balance that against my need not to do it.

Candi: Candi with an I.
Amy: Amy with a Y.

Selina: Oh, suck it.
Tom: Excuse me?
Selina: Yeah, you heard me. I LBJed you. I'm the LBJ queen and you are Sergeant Suck It Shriver.

Selina: I'm not spending money to scrape mud off a bunch of dirt roads.

Selina: Every difficult conversation starts with a sentence.

Selina: I look around [the race symposium] today and I see a rainbow of faces. Faces from the savannahs of Africa to the cities and towns of England. Faces from Holland and even perhaps Norway.

Edited May 2, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed spacing after forum upgrade made it wonky

[Sesquipedalia]

On 5/18/2015 at 10:44 AM, Totale said:

Continuity With Change.  Perfect.

Hillary Clinton's slogan!

 

On 4/25/2016 at 4:33 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

 

Selina: I'm not spending money to scrape mud off a bunch of dirt roads.

I liked the first part of this one too: I'm declaring a state of go fuck yourself.

 

Selina: Don't you think mud slides are the funniest kinds of natural disasters?

Ben: I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, aaaahhh....

Selina: Those are hilarious.

Kent: Nature's trap door.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dan: [Selina]'s changed her mind more times than a child molester at Disneyland.
Amy: You need to file those at the courthouse in exactly seventeen minutes.
Dan: And if you miss the deadline, find a rattlesnake and shove that up your dickhole because it's a lot more fun than what I'll do to you.
Richard: And drive safe!

Selina: Maddox is probably going to study the effects of legalized prostitution on his dick.

Kent: We're working on our video connection with Amy as we speak.
Selina: Maybe we can get some six year old Asian kid to fix it. Mike, when's your baby coming?

Selina: Will you look at Montes? I'm more hispanic than she is. Where's she from? Santo Connecticut?
Ben: She summers in Vineyardo del Martha.

Whitman: Where I'm from, a vote is a vote, the law is the law, and the count is the count.
Gary: Oh, he makes a lot of sense.
Selina: Alright, so they've got a secretary of state and what do I have? Harpo, Chico, and Shitto.

Kent: He served in more adminstrations than any man alive. Also an accomplished ballroom dancer.

Selina: What am I thanking [the campaign volunteers] for? This Olympic sized swimming pool of shit that I'm doing the backstroke in right now? Make Tom do it. He loves all that fake smiley shit.

Ben: What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.
Kent: Little known fact about the Nazis - their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers, although also tragic.
Ben: The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.

Richard: You can email me at splett2@splettnet.net - splett1's my father. It'll be sad to see him go but it'll be nice to get my hands on that handle.

Amy: What is wrong with you, you Paddington Bear looking fuck?
Dan: You just gave [the reporters] a Time-Life instruction manual on how to fuck us!
Jonah: You guys have Michael Jordan sitting on the bench here but you're starting Hakeem Olajutwat.
Amy: You are not Michael Jordan. You are a 7'7" goony looking Lithuanian who's going to drop dead of Marfan syndrome. Get your ass in the car.

Bradley: This is truly an honor to serve you.
Selina: Well, thank you very much.
Bradley: Plus I would never miss the opportunity to dry fuck Jim Whitman up the ass.

Bradley: This reminds me of something Dick Nixon used to say to Henry Kissinger back when that tricky son of a bitch was trying to get us out of that messy business called Vietnam.

Ben: Hey, Bob, you don't remember me. I was an intern way back when you-
Bradley: Of course I remember you. Ben Cafferty, all growed up. We used to have a million nicknames for you - Fatty Dicksuckhole and Benny and the Jizz. Buttfucker.
Ben: Buttfucker, that's me. I can't believe you remembered my nickname!

Jonah: I can't teach how I do it. Can Paul McCartney teach Kid Rock how to be a good songwriter? That's a bad example because Kid Rock rules.

Charlie: Don't worry about Eli. Brooks Brothers sews prenups into all our suits.

Charlie: With all due respect, some of your economic policies are what my friend Katie Gross likes to call facacta.
Selina: Katie Gross? You know Katie Gross? I went to Smith with Katie Gross!
Charlie: I dated Katie Gross.
Selina: Yeah, so did I. Cause I was at Smith.

Richard: You should read C.S. Lewis's book on grief. It's not as fun as The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe series but it's still pretty good.

Amy: Congressman Furlong, to what do we owe this pleasure/skin-crawling sensation?
Furlong: I just came out west to play a little cowboys and Indians with Big Chief Suckemchode here. Say it.
Will: Uh, how. Me suck pee pee in tipi.

Sue: You have a meeting with Olympic medalists in five.
Selina: Special or normal?
Sue: They seemed normal but I'll confirm.

Sue: Ma'am, Tom James is here sans appointment.
Selina: Blech. Can you go tell him to fuck a bag of glass?
Sue: Actually, I told him something similar to that but he's most insistent.

Selina: Why did Tom James just wrap up his balls in butcher paper and put them in my purse?

Selina: Hey, I'm going to be President so I can go take a shit in the Rose Garden if I want to.
Ben: We used to call that a Jimmy Carter.

Sophie: Your hotel room sucks. I thought that Carson City was part of Las Vegas.
Amy: Vegas is 432 miles away.

Charlie: Where are you from?
Gary: Birmingham, Alabama.
Charlie: Underrated city.
Gary: You're telling me. They call it the Pittsburgh of the south.

Selina: WHAT? [Charlie] fucked me and then he fucked me? What? Is he trying to fuck me?
Gary: I bet he's really sorry.

Charlie: If you win the election, it doesn't mean anything anyway. If O'Brien wins the election, you slept with the secretary of the treasury.

Sophie: Everybody here is so boring. The shit you do is such bull shit.
Dan: Remind me again what it is you do that's so interesting.
Sophie: I work at CVS.
Dan: Really, CBS? I would love to work at CBS.
Sophie: Don't be a dick.
Dan: No, I'm serious!
Sophie: There's always openings.
Dan: You seriously think that you could get me something?
Sophie: Maybe late night.
Dan: Late night's perfect!

Edited May 9, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
corrected typo in url of Richard's amazing website

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mike: The President has always placed great value on fiscal responsibility. In fact, as Vice-President, she was chairman of the Meyer postal commission which reduced post office debt from $65 billion to just over $62 billion.

Sue: Madame President, we have received word that Chinese hackers have now breached the national security council servers.
Selina: I got a great idea. Why don't we give the Chinese their own log ins and passwords? It'll save everyone a lot of time.

Selina: Do we have any reason to believe we're not as fucked as a Senate page?

Kent: The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the mean.
Selina: Christ, know your audience.
Kent: I think there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada.
Selina: Where?
Kent: I do not know.
Ben: How many?
Kent: I do not know.
Amy: Are you sure?
Kent: Absolutely.
Mike: Greydon Carter's begging for a photo spread of you and Charlie in Vanity Fair!
Selina: Hey, Garfield. We're right in the middle of talking about Nevada.

Selina: Amy, set it up!
Amy: The injunction or the dick slapping?

Bob: Just let me win the presidency for you and then you can land Air Force one on the [Las Vegas] strip and piss in Caesar's fountain if you want.
Selina: Oh, come on, please, Bob. I would never stay at Caesar's.

Selina: Katherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts.
Katherine: Yeah, but that's like all of that, mom.
Selina: Well then don't use it.
Katherine: But it's a doc.
Selina: A what?
Katherine: A documentary.
Selina: Then say that.

Amy: Dan, [Sophie] doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're going to look really cute in a blue vest.

Mike: Actually, ma'am, I have a better idea.
Selina: No, you don't, Mike. History has proven that

Selina: Can I really blame another country for something they didn't do?
Ben: It's been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War.

Selina: Kent, any progress on the ballots?
Kent: I've eliminated eight counties as potential locales but there's no way around my doing it district by district regression analysis.
Selina: Are you paying you by word here, Kent? Ben?
Ben: He needs more time.

O'Brian: I will not dignify the President's petty remarks with a response.
Selina: And yet he's responding.

Kent: Or you could go to the United Nations.
Selina: And have them what? Help us park in front of a fire hydrant?

Dan: You're still here?
Amy: I don't know why. My only jobs seem to be asking Bob and finding out what Bob thinks.
Dan: Yeah, it's been pretty fun to watch. You want to grab a drink or something?
Amy: No, thanks. Oh, but on your way, would you mind stopping at ABC News and picking up some Advil? Oh, did I say ABC news? I meant Rite Aid.

Jonah: This morning [Bob] told me the Jews cause hurricanes.

Amy: Holy double bacon Asperger's! How did you do that?
Richard: Sorry, what? Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies? And you can't say Meet the Parents because that's automatically number one.

Selina: So what did I miss?
Charlie: We just heard a lovely story about the queen of England.
Selina: She's a fucking c***. You didn't hear it from me.

Selina: Ten thousand ballots!
Kent: From a district with an empirically high applied demography value.
Selina: I don't know what you're saying, but you keep doing that math stuff, Kent, no matter how much anyone makes fun of you.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mike: Wendy and I have been meeting with surrogates. She's so excited about my sperm being in another woman. It's weird.

Sue: Andrew's here.
Selina: What?
Sue: At Catherine's request. But I made sure he had nowhere to sit.
Selina: You are good people, Sue.

Andrew: Catherine called me. You were away?
Selina: Yeah, serving the country.

Selina: The campaign's over. I don't have to pretend to like country music anymore.
Catherine: This is Tim McGraw. It's meemaw's favorite song.
Selina: What? No, meemaw's favorite song is whatever's playing in the background at Neiman Marcus.

Selina: Mother loves her hands. She always wore dishwashing gloves when she gave me my bath. Which is why I don't do dishes. I just now realized that.

Mike: It was just a cold sore.
Wendy: I don't want to pay $40,000 for a herpes baby.

Selina: Okay, well, Dr. McCurry.
Doctor: Mirpuri.
Selina: Yes, that's what I said.

Selina: Okay, so what I need now is a quiet place to think that doesn't have Mike's stupid face in it.
Mike: I can turn around, ma'am.

Ben: Those we have loved cannot be lost because they are always a part of us.
Selina: Thank you, Ben, and whoever wrote those words.
Kent: I recognize those words. They were in the card your wife sent me when my cat Fibonacci passed. I found them soothing.

Jonah: We got "Count totes the votes."
Dan: What is that? What's totes?
Cliff: Like Totes McGoats.

Selina: Why don't you check your phones? It sounds like you shoplifted a bunch of vibrators.

Selina: Catherine, you have no idea what it was like to be the only daughter of a pathological narcissist. All this woman did was criticize me or ignore me.

Catherine: I'm going to go to bed.
Selina: The pillows are not for sleeping!

Selina: There's so many friendly and diverse faces here and I wish that mother were alive to see this on her property.

Nevada Secretary of State: How goes the count?
Amy: It's great if you want a bloated booze bag to be our next president.
Nevada Secretary of State: Really? So O'Brien's a lush?
Amy: Did Eleanor Roosevelt eat pussy? It may not even be true. Did she eat pussy or did she just finger bang her way down Pennsylvaia Avenue?

Selina: You're going to cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.

Amy: Tell Huey, Dewey, and Rapey that it's "Stop the count now" and not "Count every vote."

Andrew: Selina, Selina, Selina. Life takes so many turns. I just want you to know where I'm coming from. Monica, she's sweet, she's lovely, she's short term. She's something to get me through the long nights for now.
Selina: Andrew, you know that we're at a funeral, right? We're not at Club Med.

Ben: I've just been kibbutzing with the Qatari ambassador, Muhammad Ben-Nasir Ben-Khalifa Al-Jafar.
Selina: Please don't have him sign the guest book.
Ben: He comes bringing a message from China.
Selina: Why would China go through Qatar?
Ben: Qataris like to insert themselves. They're wet fingered.
Selina: They're into ass play?
Ben: No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.
Selina: I bet they're into ass play too.

Edited April 2, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mike: [The pardoned turkeys] can while away the rest of their peaceful years [at the petting zoo].
Turkey lady: Well, they were bred to be eaten so they'll probably collapse from their own weight and die in a year or two, tops.

Amy: I'll escort [Dan] in. He's harmless - unless you've got a sister.

Sue: Housing is down and unemployment's up.
Selina: Any chance we can switch those?
Sue: I'll turn the graphs upside down.

Catherine: It's the first Thanksgiving since meemaw's gone.
Selina: There's a lot to be thankful for.

Dan: Jonah, I hope you die a horrible death choking on a red glistening dog dick. Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs. Ryan!

Ben: POTUS is still getting permanently photoshopped.

Kent: The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic non-parametric statistics?
Ben: Or how to cook a fucking turkey?

Tom: We're being deployed. Operation Calm the Fuck Down.

Dan: [Sidney Purcell]'s comprehension of the word "no" hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level.

Tom: I work a little differently than the President. As far as treating my staff, I try not to act like an alcoholic father who's just stepped on a Lego.

Ben: Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.

Selina: What are you asking [Gary] for? He doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of.
Gary: Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management from Cornell University.
Selina: No, you don't.

Tom: One cream, splash of half and half, one sugar, one Splenda.

Doyle: Ben, I would have you to the table but my wife, she fucking hates you. As do I.

Doyle: You fucking people. You treat the Constitution like a build your own pizza menu.
Ben: You're calm, you're confident, you exude a crochety gravitas. We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts.

Selina: I thought [Doyle] was going to shit the bed. Instead he's doing turn down service and leaving a mint on the pillow.
Gary: You know, that can be the difference between a three and a four star hotel.

Gary: We've got Congressman Jaeger from Wisconsin.
Selina: Is he the one with the prostitute problem? Never mind. They all have that. The House is like Caligula's Rome.

Mike: Do you guys know a luxurious but super cheap hotel?
Ben: Yeah, in the Philippines.

Doyle: What is dental surgery code for anyway, Ben? Is it like anal bleaching? Because if it is, you should just come out and say that because the American people, they'll accept it - in time.

Dan: I gotta run something by you.
Amy: I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman.

Kane: I spoke to the governor. New Hampshire's going to hold a special election for the [vacant] seat before Christmas. but-
Ben: Sounds like a big goddamn but.
Kane: Oh yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams butt.

Ben: We've got a list of vetted names.
Kane: Well, great. Why don't you send them right over to me? I'm running low on toilet paper.
Kent: Excuse me?
Kane: You don't give me me names, beard-o. I give you names, so take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up tubby's dick.

Kane: For anyone to beat the widow, they're going to have to fight dirty and I don't shit where I eat.
Ben: Me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper.
Kane: We need a real piece of cannon fodder here, some spectacular dumbass willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation, and then fuck off so Ezra can slide right in.
Ben: So do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?

Richard: Wow, that is some overbite. It's like a were-rabbit.
Jonah: I was advanced for my age. I had all my adult teeth by age four.

Richard: I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age.

Kane: It's going to be like climbing Mt. McKinley with your balls stapled to a piano.

Jonah: Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan!

Jonah: It's not my fault if cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic voiced Art Garunkel.

Kane: I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I let you dance and when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage.

Mike: Is it possible to get salmonella if you make love in a turkey's bed?

Selina: Somewhere in the world, there's a woman exactly my age getting her pussy eaten and I'm stuck here watching this.

[meisje]

Quote

Tom: I work a little differently than the President. As far as treating my staff, I try not to act like an alcoholic father who's just stepped on a Lego.

Ben: Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.

Richard: Wow, that is some overbite. It's like a were-rabbit

I re-watched 5 times people, because this ep was a beauty, but these 3 quotes were some that I actually re-re-watched by rewinding during my re-watches! Richard's delivery is a thing of true beauty and I will never tire of it.

Quote

Catherine: It's the first Thanksgiving since meemaw's gone.
Selina: There's a lot to be thankful for.

Did anyone else do a double take and expect to see Micheal Bluth's face delivering Selina's line? I sure did!

Quote

Jonah: Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan!

This one is a mystery for me because I noticed it in the promo last week and thought it was edited down from the trailer version, but no mention of herpes last night either. Was there a focus group or something that poo-pooed the herpes mention or did HBO decide it was too déclassé? Personally, I thought the line worked better with both diseases, and somehow, herpes is just a better fit with Jonah.

[Nancybeth]

There's not really a good thread to put this in, but it tangentially relates to quotes...I met Christopher Godsick, who was an Exec Producer on the first couple seasons of Veep last week, and couldn't shut up about how much I loved the show and then to prove it to him, started rattling off quotes.  I think he was a little frightened of me but he was very nice.  I also told him Amy was my spirit animal. 

[Muffyn]

Ben:  You can not bail out Charlie Baird's bank.

Selena:  Why not?

Ben: Because it's going to look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people and everything else you are supposed to care about.

Kent:  AIDS, for example.

Ben:  Thanks, Kent's autism.

 

Selena:  At least when Truman made the decision to drop the bomb, he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima.

 

Woman in focus group regarding Jonah:  His head is too big for his body but sometimes his body is too big for his head.

Other woman:  He's the wrong shape.

 

Jonah:  I work in the fucking West Wing, you Pepperidge Farm ad mother-fuckers! 

 

Richard to Jonah:  We just a letter from the band Rush.  They say we can't use the song Working Man anymore because they find you "odious." 

 

Ben:  Hanukkah polls better in Mecca. 

 

Richard:  We got the okay from Gary Glitter but he's in jail for child rape so maybe not the first choice. (said with a big smile and a shrug)

 

Reporter to Amy:  You don't want to be the face of cuntgate, although you do have the perfect face for it.

 

Selena to Jonah:  Hey, hunchback!  I don't know what you've been doing instead of trying to win but I'm going to guess that it has the word anal in it.  Now, you learn to control your cock-sucking temper, otherwise I'm going to come there myself and I'm going to shoot you in your fucking mouth.   

Edited May 30, 2016 by Muffyn

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Quote

Selena:  At least when Truman made the decision to drop the bomb, he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima.

Ben: That we know of.

Focus group leader: Now you have all seen the ad and we want to know what you think about it. Anyone?
Man #1: I didn't like the guy.
Man #2: That wood he's chopping, it's not going to burn right.

Selina: And then to put a fucking cherry on this shit sundae, did you guys see that article in Politico?
Amy: Meyer's five biggest economic mistakes?
Selina: No.
Kent: Recession has a new name: the Selina slump?
Selina: No.

Mike: How about an $80 in home massage for $40?
Dan: With release?
Mike: No.
Dan: Then what's the point?

Amy: Jesus, Dan, you wouldn't know the smart move if it bent you over and fucked you with a Coke bottle. If Jonah loses, no one's going to blame you. If he wins, you're a political genius.

Dan: From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanse of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election. And by the way, your banner makes it look like your name is Jon H. Ryan so great job, communications department!

Selina: Have you ever been called a c***?
Amy: Many times.

Kent: Thank non-existent Jesus!

Jonah: I don't want to wear the glasses.
Dan: They're part of your relaunch.
Kane: They make you look half smart, you fucking goon.

Jonah: I am fructose intolerant, you nitwit!

Leon: You eat? I suppose you need something to nervously shit out.
Amy: Hello, Leon. It's always good to see the most left swiped face on tinder.

Ben: You told the President to bail out Charlie's bank!
Mike: No, I didn't say anything about banks. I was talking to her about how Wendy paid off my student loans and how I love her for it.
Ben: You still have student loans? How old are you?
Mike: I'm not good with money.

Richard: Some bands we haven't used have sent some pre-emptive cease and desist orders. Sting, Bruce Springsteen - he sent two letters actually - and Enya.

Tom: If we don't put a plan into action tomorrow morning, then by Monday we will be Greece - the country, not the musical.

Ben: You can clear your head out and have a little fun at the same time. I'll call Jonah and Dan and you can tear him a six pack of new assholes.
Selina: That does sound like fun!

Selina: Dan, I can't believe how terrible you are at your job. Are you running on a platform of higher taxes and episiotomies?

Selina: Put the world's tallest pile of garbage on the phone.

Amy: Gary, C is for c***.

Charlie: Please don't get me a book for Christmas. I already have a book.

Selina: You can thank When Gary Met Sally for that.

Catherine: I can't stop smiling.
Marjorie: Neither can I. I'm giddy.

Edited April 2, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: Would you like to call someone from Air Force One? That usually freaks people out.

Kane: Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.

Mike: I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and her, you know, condition.
Selina: What? She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.

Richard: The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers keep getting angrier and angrier.

Jonah: How am I not on the Hill's 50 hottest staffers list this year?
Dan: "This year"? It's the 50 hottest staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.
Jonah: I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan, except I'm going to leave Matt Damon there because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal!
Dan: The whole point of the 50 hottest is not to be on it.
Richard: You're number 26, Mr. Egan.
Dan: Yeah, five years in a row now. It is to use it to learn how to fuck.
Jonah: Who?
Dan: Find a woman who was on it last year but not this year. That's like a make her pay for dinner situation.
Jonah: Does that work?
Dan: If you don't look like someone melted Play-doh all over a flagpole it does.
Jonah: Wow, you're a fantastic campaign manager.

Mike: What could O'Brien offer [Tom] that's better than the Vice-Presidency?
Selina: Literally anything.

Dan: Would you vote to raise the debt ceiling?
Jonah: As the late great Lionel Richie once said, oh what a feeling, I'm dancing on the debt ceiling.
Dan: A - Lionel Richie is not dead and B - what the fuck does that even mean?
Jonah: New Hampshire loves my zingers. It's my personality that has gotten us this far.
Kane: No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema.
Dan: Alright, Mrs. Sherman, same question.
Richard: I hereby solemnly promise to never vote to raise the debt ceiling without budgetary offsets. Lord knows I stick to my grocery budget every week.
Kane: Mother Mary dry humping a pillow, that is what I call natural talent. What was your name again?
Richard: Judy Sherman.
Jonah: Oh, come on. Richard's only winning because he gets to be the easier person and I have to be me.
Kane: Okay, Richard, pretend to be Jonah.
Jonah: Richard's not going to get the subtleties of my personality.
Kane: Shut the fuck up and move!

Dan: You said Brattleboro.
Jonah: So?
Kane: So Brattleboro just happens to be in Vermont.
Jonah: Since when?
Dan: Granted every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow connected by a covered bridge, but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up here! How do you not know this shit?
Jonah: I don't know. Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade but my teacher was a fucking bitch!

Kane: If you were ten percent less black, I could make you president.
Richard: Thank you!

Selina: Are you wearing cologne?
Gary: A little.
Selina: It smells like birdseed.

Amy: The fluffers have done their work. It's time for the orgy to begin.

Selina: Merry Christmas! Hello, Congressman Jaeger! This must be Mrs. Jaeger.
Gary: That's not his wife.
Jaeger: This is one of my staffers, Nadia.
Gary: She's a prostitute.

Amy: Buddy Calhoun - in a tie that's not made out of string.
Buddy: You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti.

Jaeger: After much prayerful consideration, I have decided to abstain from the upcoming Congressional tiebreaking vote in Congress.
Selina: Abstain?
Jaeger: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: But then no one wins, you dumbass.
Jaeger: I was warned that you would say some hurtful things.
Selina: Okay, hold on. Let me see if I can just explain this to you in terms that you might understand. Let's say that your chief of staff, Nadia, is it? She's down on her knees and she's got your balls in her hand and she's working your shaft just the way you like it and moments before you're about to come all over her stupid Slavic face, she says, "Nyet, after much prayerful consideration, I have to abstain from the upcoming blow job."
Jaeger: Are you Nadia in this situation?

Selina: I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours!

Ben: Are you drunk?
Mike: Maybe, Mr. Hip Flask.
Ben: Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic and you're a sloppy weekend drunk. Now get with it!

Dan: You and Boo Boo the ball fondling bear have exactly two seconds to get out.

Selina: Can I count on your vote or do I need to shove a box of White House M&M's up your stretched out six baby vag?

Dan: Fuck me, Amadeus.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit show for brains came up with that bit?
Amy: Ma'am, I just arrived here in winter blunderland.
Selina: [Jonah] looked like Ike Turner handing Tina a snack.
Amy: Well, I think we've identified the key problem which is that Jonah does not interact well with humans.
Jonah: No, I don't interact well with hag ass old bitches.
Selina: You realize that you just handed O'Brien New Hampshire chained to a radiator with its twat shaved?

Catherine: I just wanted to let you know that Marjorie's a raw food vegan and she's turned me into one.
Selina: Oh, so that's two things she's turned you into.
Catherine: Yeah. We just thought maybe we could have a sham ham for Christmas.
Monica: What is that, sweetie? Is it like tofurkey?
Marjorie: Uh, no, ma'am. Tofurkey is cooked. This is a raw log made of mushrooms and soaked walnuts.
Selina: But it tastes like a ham?
Catherine: Yes.
Marjorie: Not at all.

Selina: What you got going there, Depravey Crockett?

Selina: Ugh, the Dalai Lama. I'm so sick of him.
Gary: He's so insufferable.

Selina: How is it that Asperger's salad inserted herself into this situation?
Ben: President Lu trusts her. He likes what she did with the IMF.
Selina: I'll tell you what he likes - Nordic beav.
Ben: Irresistible.

Dan: We need to surround you with some trees to make you look human sized.
Kane: Back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother found you in, you fucking shaved sasquatch.
Richard: Oh, but the good news is you're only three points behind Jon H. Ryan, whoever that is.

Kane: What's blondie's situation? Does she choke for coke?
Dan: You should ask her.

Marjorie: I am overcome with emotion.

Dan: Ma'am, Jonah shot himself in the foot.
Selina: Omigawd, what did he do this time?
Dan: No, he literally shot himself in the foot. We're in the ER.

Minna: President Lu requests to go on a nature walk with you.
Selina: I'm the president. I don't walk.
Minna: He is also the president and he likes to walk.

Andrew: I know $2 million sounds like a lot, sweetie. It's not. It's a small price to pay to save the Brazilian rain forest.
Catherine: Well, but aren't you cutting down the rain forest in order to build the resort?
Andrew: So we can conserve the rest. It's a virtuous cycle.

Selina: If you want to get advice or talk about money, you can come to me. I've got the whole treasury department and they're, you know - well, they've been better, I realize.

Selina: Even labor and delivery with [Catherine] was a nightmare.
Minna: Oh yes? Why's that? You have a very narrow vagina?
Selina: Well, tight. In the States we say tight.

Minna: He is a proud, stubborn man.
Selina: Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy.
Minna: But stupid also like a Chinese Mr. Bingley.
Mike: I love Mary Poppins.

Ben: Bono's gonna shit his sunglasses!

Ben: What about the factories in Ohio?
Selina: Fuck those factories, man! I'm freeing Tibet!
Minna: Really, not freeing. It is tragic for the unemployed workers of Ohio and North Carolina.
Selina: Well they should have tried going to college. Worry about your own unemployment in Finland.
Minna: We don't have unemployment in Finland.

Selina: Jonah won the election?
Kent: By just a small margin.
Ben: But it still counts as a sign of the apocalypse.

Dan: Omigawd, I did this!
Amy: We just elected Jonah to Congress!
Dan: Omigawd, I did this.

[romantic idiot]

7 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Dan: Omigawd, I did this!
Amy: We just elected Jonah to Congress!
Dan: Omigawd, I did this.

Made funnier by adding Amy's next line and immediate disavowal: 

Amy: You just elected Jonah to Congress!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: Alabama, first in the alphabet, last in every other fucking thing.
Ben: I believe it's number one in easiest state to get away with murdering a black guy.

Catherine: My name is Catherine Meyer. I've spent my entire life in the public eye. While the public will always remember me as the little girl who fell off the stage twice in one evening, I'm a grown woman now with my own passions and interests.

Gary: My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister.
Selina: Yeah, well this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

Sue: I do not give my consent to have my likeness appear in this or any other film.

Catherine: When did you first know that you wanted to be President?
Selina: It was 1973. I was a very little girl and mother wasn't feeling well. Daddy asked me to be his date for President Nixon's inaugural ball. Daddy did a lot of business with Bebe Rebozo. President Nixon entered the room and, you know, he had his bow tie and his eyebrows. Daddy leaned in to me and he said, "You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon but by God, they respect him. And that's you, peanut."

Selina: I don't want to jinx things, guys, but I think maybe we should making our list of who I'm going to punish when I win.

Jonah: You gotta come get me.
Richard: Okay, just drop a pin in Apple Maps.
Jonah: I don't know how to drop a fucking pin!
Richard: Well, it's a really intuitive feature. Do you have IOS 9.3?

Tom: Did you ever play sports? Remember how no one ever wanted to play catcher? Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. It's not a lot of glory but a lot of squatting and a lot of asses in your face.

Tom: Gentlemen, you know the First Daughter. She was just here interviewing me for a college project.
Catherine: Uh, no, it's a doc.
White House guy: Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad?

Catherine: What if you lose the Presidency?
Selina: Well, I'll tell you something. You can't think that way. That's what mother always said. When you have those kinds of negative feelings, you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box and you close it down tight and you take that box and you shove it way back here in the corner of your head and swallow that key and then poof, they're gone. And then that's it. And it works too, sweetie. That's something that mother told me that works.

Gary: Okay, you pour the hot water into the pot, swirl it around a bit, and then you pour it out. That's called hottin' the pot. Now this is a special blend I got. It's got chamomile and rosehips and some other special ingredients that I'm not going to tell you on camera.
Catherine: Um, my question was what's your take on the financial crisis?
Gary: Oh. I just think they ran out of money. They should probably just print more. I don't know why it's been such a big issue.

Mike: We're in the process of converting the guest room into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel. We went with a Winnie the Pooh knockoff. It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home. I think he's called Happy Sun Bear. So much cheaper.

Amy: I've changed my mind. Send me to Nevada. I want the job.
Selina: But so does Candi Caruso. And even though, and I quote, "The fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women Presidents because we already tried one and she fucking sucked."
Amy: Please. Please. Please.
Selina: Well, I'll give you this. Candi Caruso would not eat this amount of shit.
Amy: Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall and used the old two finger wood chipper.
Selina: Why would I want to stand next to a twig like that all day when I could stand next to you?

Selina: I lost the first time that I ran for Congress. They called me Selina Vanderbilt, as if the Vanderbilts had any money left.

Selina: I went to Arizona to a spa and I took stock and I asked myself some tough questions.
Catherine: Wait, was that when you had your nervous breakdown?
[Charlie appears naked in the background and then runs away]
Selina: ....no, I went to a spa, sweetie.
Catherine: No, when Rosa had to take care of me because you went to a mental hospital.
Selina: No, darling, I didn't go to a mental hospital. I went to a spa.

Dan: I just talked to Furlong. He said everything's under control, plus a bunch of stuff about assholes and jizz and my pretty mouth.

Richard: Good morning!
Jonah: Shut the fuck up, Richard!
Richard: You can't scream that in this neighborhood.
Jonah: I couldn't find my clothes. I had to get this out of her dad's closet. She told me she was a senior at Georgetown. It turns out she meant Georgetown Day School. She's on the math team.

Representative Paul Graves: The great state of Michigan would like to cast its vote. But first, let us pray....Home to Motown, Hitsville USA, would like to cast its vote for President Catherine Selina Meyer.

Selina's mother's obituary (which is riddled with spelling and grammar errors that I transcribed as is):

Quote

Catherine Calvert Eaton, 88, the mother of President Selina Meyer, died November 16th, 2016 at John's Hopkins Medical Center of complications of a stroke. Mrs. Eaton had lived for the three years at Brookline Home for the Elderly. Born and raised in Darien, Connecticut, Eaton attended the Foxcraft School and Smith College, though she left before graduating. Her father, Howard Hamlin Melville, was a successful stockbroker and partner at the investment bank First Boston who also claimed to be a distant relation of the writer Herman Melville. Her mother, Caroline, raised money for local causes and was a vice president of the Connecticut Junior League.

After making her debut at the Junior Assembly, Eaton entered in a first, brief marriage to Prince Guido Vespucci which ended in divorce. She married Gordon Dunn Eaton, a financier who was a junior associate at her father's bank, in 1962. A leveraged buyout pioneer, Eaton and his wife settled at Bentcrest, a 1400 acre gentleman's farm in Centreville, Maryland where they raised racehorses and rare fancy-breed hens. Their daughter and only child, Selina, was born in 1967. President Meyer would later describe her mother, known as "Mee-Maw" as "the person who probably taught me the most about the real meaning of gratitude."

Widowed in 1979, Eaton spent the later years of her life in a large house in Chevy Chase, MD absorbed in a variety of pursuits including playing bridge, showing Toy Pomerainian dogs, and spending time with her beloved granddaughter Catherine. Catherine and Selina Meyer survive her.

Eaton was a member of the Colony Club, the Leash, the Centreville Country Club, the Tuesday Night Club, the Skycastle French Hounds, the Centreville Women's Club, the Colonial Dames of America, the Knights of St. John, and the Junior League among others.

A memorial service will be held on November 19th at Trinity Episcopal Church of Kenwood. In leiu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the Queen Anne's County Animal Rescue League.

Gary: Three generations of Meyer women. It's like the best episode of Falcon Crest ever!

Selina's mother: I do hope you'll wait until your hair grows to have your portrait painted.
Selina: This has been fun!
Selina's mother: She looks like a boy.

Catherine: Have you ever lost a grandparent?
Dan: All my grandparents are dead. Wait, um, no. One or two might still be alive.

Jonah: How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clits, son.
Kane: HEY! This is an elementary school. Watch your spewing mouth, you animal!

[Jonah tries unsuccessfully to chop wood]
Richard: I think the problem is you lack upper body strength.

Jonah: Jesus, Richard, please drive faster.
Richard: Maybe if you could hold the camera.
Jonah: I'm not going to hold the camera, Richard. How would I be on camera?
[Richard slams on the brakes]
Jonah: Jesus Christ, Richard! You could have killed me. Can't you do two simple things at once?
Richard: Well just think I didn't hit those schoolchildren.
Jonah: Who gives a fuck about them?

Dan: I've got a question for you. Is it weird going hallway to hallway with your mom's twin?
Catherine: What?
[Dan makes scissoring hand gestures]

Catherine: Do you think about what you'll do if my mother doesn't win?
Ben: Gawd, I have no idea. What else am I going to do? Go out and see the world? I don't even like looking out my window.

Joyce: These Precious Moments figurines are a very good investment.

Gary: These are my compatriots. They are a historically Spanish speaking motorcycle club which has been under a great deal of unfair legal scrutiny lately.

Dan: Get the Hunchback of Notre Hampshire down to the floor!
Richard: Well we've reached a little bit of a kerfuffle. I'd say even more of a kerfuffle, like a snafu approaching quagmire.
Jonah: Just Google me! Google me! Fucking google me!

Ben: We're hanging on by a thread but if everyone vote the way we think they're going to vote, we'll win.
Selina: That's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since, "It's okay, it's just the tip."

Furlong: It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole when he's got his finger jammed up there watching Bad News Bears while he jerks off. How tight is that, Will?
Will: It's very tight, sir.

Selina: [Jonah]'s eighteen feet tall. How could he have gone missing?

Selina: Get that clowntard Jonah on the phone right now.

Selina: If O'Brien wins the Presidency, I can run against him in four years. But if Tom James wins, he's going to be President for the next eight years, Amy. Eight!
Amy: Uh, twelve, ma'am.
Selina: Huh?
Amy: Tom's first term won't count because technically he'll be an elevated Vice-President. But I sound like Kent.
Selina: Omigawd, in twelve years I'm going to be shriveled up can of ass. Seriously, I can't. I mean, my political window just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses.

The closing sequence of Catherine's documentary:
Catherine: I'm just going to ask you what you think of a few people in my mother's administration.
Bill: Great opportunity. Thank you.
Catherine: What do you think of Amy Brookheimer?
Selina: She likes to hear herself talk.
Dan: Tense.
Gary: Shrill.
Mike: Shrill.
Bill: Shrill.
Kent: Shrill.
Amy: Did they say shrill?
Catherine: How would you describe Gary Walsh?
Gary: A kind person.
Furlong: Truck stop glory hole.
Mike: Can do a handstand still.
Catherine: What do you think of Dan Egan?
Gary: Douchebag.
Furlong: The other side of the glory hole.
Amy: He's fine.
Bill: Mike is an idiot. It's amazing he got a driver's license.
Tom: One of the most extraordinarily incoherent people I've ever met in my life.
Jonah: Sometimes in a futuristic sci fi movie, you'll see a robot that's like the old version of a robot and you kind of feel bad.
Catherine: How about Jonah Ryan?
Dan: Jonah Ryan is the congressman that the people of New Hampshire deserve.
Catherine: Do you think you had a crowning achievement as Vice-President?
Selina: Well, I became President. Can we call that an achievement?
Catherine: Did you vote for mom?
Andrew: If I would have voted, it certainly would have been for your mother.
Catherine: Where do you see yourself in twenty years?
Richard: I think the Galapagos. I've got that penciled in, 2036. I bought two tickets. I don't know who the other's going to be but I'm assuming by then I'll be coupled up. I just like to be close to the sun.
Jonah: White House, the President. The seat of power, everybody around me saying, "Mr. President, this is the most important bill that's ever been signed into law."
Furlong: Let me ask you a question. What's the best lesbian porn site?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mike: Selina Meyer is not interested in becoming Vice-President again. That job is in her rearview mirror. I stake my reputation on this - Selina Meyer will never be Vice-President ever ever again.

Selina: So, Tom, let's be real. You're going to be an accidental President.
Tom: Pot, kettle.

Selina: I'll tell you what I want. I want Secretary of State. Cause I think that's the least you can do.
Tom: I was thinking Vice-President.
Selina: That's literally the least you can do.

Selina: I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.

Selina: General George Washington could climb out of his grave right now and I would rather eat eat out his zombified wooden asshole twice a day than be [Tom's] vice-fucking anything.

Kent: Last night I ran a flash poll on Presidential scholars. They have rated you the forty-third most effective President.
Mike: Out of how many?
Kent: Forty-four. You were right ahead of James Buchanan who many feel caused the Civil War.
Selina: Kent, can you give a girl some warning next time before you jam it in the back door?
Kent: Data gives no warning, ma'am.
Amy: Any chance Marjorie and Catherine want to get married?
Dan: There you go. First White House lesbian wedding. That'll get you in the history books.
Selina: I can't take that much acoustic guitar.

Selina: The only President to pee sitting down since FDR. Is that going to be my legacy?
Ben: I pee sitting down sometimes if it's going to be a longie.
Selina: We gotta make Tibet happen. Go through the Qataris. I bet there are a dozen of them right now at the Georgetown Four Seasons. Go to a Lamborghini dealership. Wherever they have prostitutes. These guys could help you.

Jonah: Hire some hot interns.
Richard: Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire. One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin.
Jonah: No, New Hamphire's just a fancy word for "it's cold outside so I don't shave my pubes."
Richard: I'm writing that down.

Selina: Thank you, Summerland, you senile old piss sponge.

Ben: Are you here selling a young adult fiction idea too? Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize.
Kent: Alternate timelines are a crutch for lazy sci fi premises, e.g. Star Trek - with the exception of Deep Space Nine.
Ben: You should try your hand at romance novels.
Kent: I have.

Selina: If I'd had a hundred Richards, who knows what I could have done?
Richard: Probably a lot. Or it could turn out like one of those Twilight Zone scenarios where we all murder each other.

Selina: Omigawd, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.
Gary: WHAT?

Furlong: You realize the whole goddamn Rayburn House office building can hear you and your twink army in here cockscraping each other's esophagi?

Furlong: Will, tell [Jonah] the first rule of hiring male staff.
Will: They must be substantially less attractive then the congressman.

Furlong: Let me give you some advice before you're yanked out of here like a cheerleader's unwanted fetus. You say nothing and you do less. And take off those fucking glasses. You look like Clark Kent if they dug up Christopher Reeves' corpse to play the part. And as for you ladies, this is DC, not Miami!

Buddy: Hey, have you ever used that Truman bowling alley?
Amy: No, of course not. I worked here. I didn't go to the White House for a fourth grade birthday party.

Alejandro: Give me the heat any day. But then again, I grew up in Mexico.
Laura: His family's from Jalisco. Es muy caliente there.
Selina: And where exactly in Ohio are you from, Laura?
Laura: Um, well, I grew up right outside of Cleveland. But after fifteen years, I feel like I am one hundred percent New Mexican.
Selina: New Mexican but not Mexican.

Dan: President Meyer has taken the stage and she's greeting a very attractive stranger.
Greg: That is First Daughter Catherine Meyer.

Selina: Your head is so far up Montez's ass, the next time it's Alejandro's birthday he's going to come all over your face.

Tom: An historic day for womankind. What'd you think of [Laura's] speech?
Selina: I had no idea her tits were that big.

Selina: I'm not good at good-byes. Or winning Presidential elections.

Edited April 25, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[rejnel]

Many of my favorite lines are Selina half-heartedly repeating difficult last names. In fact, I desperately need a supercut of those moments.

[Stephanie1216]

"Hitler went into a bunker and when he came out he wasn't Chancellor anymore. Plus, he was dead!"

"If he were alive right now he'd be very anxious to distance himself from ME at this moment."

[biakbiak]

Ben on Uber: "A bunch of dumbass millenials, too lazy to learn how to drive drunk."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Amy: We are going to make Buddy Calhoun the next governor of this dried coyote turd of a state. So saddle up your emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin fuckers. We are going to drag this state into the twentieth century. That's right, I said twentieth.

Ben: Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance.
Uber guy: I'm sorry, Ben. Here at Uber - and in the rest of the world - the word Chinaman is considered inappropriate.
Ben: No, no, no. It's okay. My wife is oriental. All of them have been. Kinda got yellow fever.

Jonah: My fellow representatives, my conscience demands that I speak out against HR-723, the so-called healthy school lunch act. Dessert is an apple. I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools with lunches like these. When I was a kid, I ate sloppy joes, pizza on a bagel. The only green bean I ate was a green jelly bean and I grew up to be so tall, my stupid mom had to get a different car.

Selina: Can you believe this? The anni-fucking-versary of the historic house vote. I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil.
Gary: I love candles.

Roger: Can I have a moment of your time, Congressman Powder?
Jonah: Absolutely, Roger.
Roger: What?
Jonah: Congressman, uh, minority house leader Furlong.
Roger: Do you know what the chief agricultural product of my district in Ohio is? I'll give you a hint. It looks like Will's wife's clit.
Jonah: Mangos?
Roger: No, tell him, Will.
Will: Green beans.
Roger: That's why I spent two months jamming them into that school lunch bill. Like what, Will?
Will: Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock into my mouth at a public restroom well known for that purpose.
Roger: I don't know if you could hear me over the sound of your ball tumors metastasizing, but Americans don't care what poor kids eat.
Kent: Actually, Congressman, better tasting school lunches poll surprisingly well. It's a real hot button issue.
Roger: Kent Davidson, how the mighty have fallen. You want me to call a Japanese porn shoot and see if I can get you a real job sponging up bukkake parties? Although you might have to lie about working for Meyer.
Jonah: He's already got a job much better than sponging up jizz, right, Kent?
[Kent sighs]

Selina: Whose balls did I twerk to end up here in the triangle shirtwaist offices? This is the worst place they have ever stuffed an ex-president, and I'm including JFK's coffin.

Selina: Being an ex-president is like being a man's nipple. People go right by it to jerk off a dick.

Marjorie: We can't do anything about AIDS.
Selina: Who are you? Ronald Reagan?

Amy: Hey, purple mountains majesty, we need to put together an attack ad yester-fucking-day so give me five options from party girl to coke whore for cock.
Buddy: You know what? I actually went to high school with Kristin Steptoe and she's a lovely gal.
Amy: Eh, my guess is if you gave her a rail to snort off your dick, she would let you fuck a hole in her septum.

Jonah: All my hair fell out - including my pubes, Dan.
Dan: Come on, you never had any pubes.

Dan: You look like you should be underground worshipping an atomic bomb, you human fucking pap smear.

Dan: I didn't think it was possible for you to look more like a giant cock. I guess it's true what they say - you are what you eat.

Amy: I am not some teased-hair casino kooze who will let you jizz all over her face for a handful of chips.

Edited April 17, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: Oh my goodness, you're so funny! If only the American people could have known you for your sense of humor instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid.

Selina: Let's go see what else Hughes stole from the West Wing.

Selina: I don't understand how a guy who never cracked a book can open a library.

Gary: How is an ex-President's ex moving back in with her going to go over with small town America?
Selina: Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.

Selina: This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy but with quadruple the assholes.

Selina: I'm the only living President who doesn't have [a Presidential library]. And do you know why that is?
Richard: Because you served less than one year?

[Will sprays antibacterial gel on Furlong's hands]
Furlong: Can't be too safe. That sweaty pederast has ruined more more kids than the common core. Luckily Will's anal halitosis renders him completely unboofable. Tell them why, Will.
Will: I'm fortunate to be odious to all colors on the sexual spectrum.

Furlong: So what is it? Speak, Professor X-gavier.
Jonah: Minority leader Furlong, with Congressman Shields's retirement, there is an empty seat on ways and means, so-
Furlong: Yeah, let me save you the peanut log you're about to squeeze out of your face anus here. No. You remain in detention on the ethics committee with the rest of the special ed breakfast club.
Jonah: Nobody in Congress cares about ethics! Jonah Ryan needs to make waves!
Furlong: Dismissed, G.I. Slow.
Jonah: Yeah, I'm free Saturday night.
Furlong: I am shocked. Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, Smeagol.

Andrew: It turns out people are considerably more interested in your library than they are in adult literacy or AIDS.
Selina: Well, I guess AIDS had a good run.
Andrew: I have a Pakistani industrialist who's interested in donating $20 million if you can get his cousin off the no-fly list.
Selina: As long as he promises not to blow up my library, I don't really give a shit.

Selina: In terms of the library, I would really like to have a reflecting pool, some place for people to come and sit and reflect on what this cock suck of a country did to me.

Selina: Who else do you know that went to Yale that could help us?
Richard: Well, I did. I can call my RA. We're still pretty close. Your undergrad alma mater Smith College said they were open to exploring.
Andrew: Just like a Smith girl open to exploring.
Selina: Lesbians would really know how to run a library.

Jonah: Did you see that? I was standing right there and Furlong didn't invite me to his power broker dinner. I love paella!
Ben: Wives in this town make the social calendar. Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples, not unregistered sex offenders.
Kent: If you want to position yourself for higher office, long term you will need a committed partner, specifically a woman.
Jonah: Fuck that dated paradigm. I am a balling bachelor sexual congressman. I will be passing bills by day and smashing gash by night.
Ben: Congressman, being a bachelor in this town means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.
Jonah: Goddammit, I hate homophobia.
Kent: If it's any consolation, statistically speaking, married politicians have more sex with single women than single politicians.

Richard: Estimates for construction [of the library] are coming in at $300 million.
Selina: Can we reallocate some of the money from the Meyer fund to the library?
Andrew: Absolutely.
Richard: Actually that's a felony.
Selina: So we just tell them that we have it all.
Andrew: And then we just shuffle papers around until it looks like we actually do.
Richard: That's also a felony.

Jonah: You can have dessert or an appetizer, but not both.

Jonah: Do you have any current pictures of your mother? I need both front and rear.

Amy: Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus or an unwanted child.
Selina: In this case, he gave me both.

Selina: Amy Brookheimer just hung up on me. It doesn't get lower than that, does it?

Gary: I just didn't want to tell you, "I told you so."
Selina: Because you didn't, did you? You just rolled your eyes like the world's bitchiest mime.

Marjorie: Ma'am, you are unstable and manipulative and I worry about the genes you will pass down to our child. But your ex is worse.
Selina: I appreciate that. It means a lot. You're like a son to me.

Mike: Apparently Andrew kept referring to his penis as the First Chubbie.

Selina: That's like Princess Di hiring Camilla Parker-Bowles to be her limo driver! Although in that case that would have worked out better for her.

Buddy: I can't believe I spent the night in jail.
Amy: It's a piddling DUI. In Nevada, that's practically a resume builder. There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag right next to the guy beating his wife.

Dan: Let me give you one word of advice - run. This predator has roofied more women than Kappa Alpha Cosby.
Jonah: That's not an actual fraternity.
Dan: Unless you enjoy the thrill of waking up in a basement torture dungeon, I'd say call it a night.
Crystal: Maybe I should go.
Jonah: Crystal, it's fine. It's just an unfinished basement.

Edited April 24, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: Do you have any water that doesn't come from a nuclear power plant, by any chance?
Putrazi: Vodka.
Selina: Okay, sure, fine, vodka.

Georgian father: Excuse me, it would be a great honor to introduce my daughter to the President of the United States.
Selina: Hi! One day you can grow up to be the president.
Georgian father: NO! Not you. Your brother.
Selina: Unbelievable.
Georgian father: Can we do picture?
Selina: No.
Georgian father: It's okay. I don't have camera.

Jonah: This place sucks my ghost nard. Why couldn't you have gotten me on an international election watching trip to Hawaii?
Kent: Hawaii is rightfully a monarchy and will be again.
Ben: Did you read the schedule of special events? Or were there not enough pictures for you?
Jonah: Ooh. Sex trafficking workshop.
Kent: ANTI sex trafficking workshop.
Jonah: Lame.

Ben: I need a drink. It must be 8am somewhere.

Ben: Hey, look at us. Just like the good old days, except shittier in every conceivable way.

Selina to Jonah: I will destroy you in ways that are so creative, they will honor me for it at the Kennedy Center.

Jonah to Richard: I am going to find ways to destroy you so hard that everybody at the Kennedy Center is going to take a fucking massive shit.

Dan: Amy, who's your favorite character on Downton?
Amy: I don't know. Abby, I guess.

Selina: You have a doctrine now? What is it? "Boners are rare so don't waste them"?

Minna: You look absolutely radiant! Your stay in the insane asylum, it's really agreed with you.
Selina: It was a spa.
Minna: No, a spa is where you go to get a massage. It was an insane asylum.

Gary: We have a situation in your hotel room. Your bidet is splashy and there's no terry cloth robe or shower cap.
Selina: You tested my bidet?

Jonah: What do you have that's like Spaghetti-O's?

Selina: I never want to see the inside of your mouth again. It looks like the inside of a Haitian portapottie.

Selina: Merman, it's so good to see you! Have you imprisoned any good novelists lately?
Merman: Ah, Miss Hakkinen. How are things in the international busybody circuit?
Minna: Great, thank you.
Merman: I was sorry to see that your forceful handed nation did not do more to stop the recent genocide in the Congo.
Selina: Maybe next genocide.
Minna: Or the one after that.

Ben: Merman here is an old client of mine. The only reason he hasn't been dragged naked through the streets and hung upside down from a lamp post with his cock stuffed in his mouth is because he took my advice from time to time.

Merman: I trust I have made myself clear.
Selina: As clear as the coffee table Danny Thomas had his hookers shit on. It's an American expression. Danny Thomas also founded the St. Jude's Hospital for Children.
Merman: Ah, yes, the yin and the yang.

Marjorie: Your mother just added democracy to her foundation.
Katherine: So now it's the Selina Meyer Foundation for Adult Literacy, AIDS,-
Marjorie: And the advancement of global democracy.

Marjorie: How's your family?
Dan: I don't know. Why? Have you heard something?

Katherine: Marjorie and I have decided that we want to have a baby.
Dan: I will give you my sperm.
Katherine: Oh, great. I thought that would take a lot longer.
Dan: Nope.
Katherine: Is there anything else that you want to talk about?
Dan: I'm good.
Marjorie: We'll send you the details. And if you can not ejaculate for the next 72 hours, that would be ideal.
Dan: Okay, uh, can we start the clock in thirty minutes? Actually, no, make it forty. The girl I'm thinking of likes to talk first.

Selina: Merman just offered me a $10 million donation to my library.
Ben: That'll keep a lot of docents in Rockports.
Selina: Gawd, I'd kill for a job where I would wear flats all day.

Selina: How would we make sure that no one finds out about the cash?
Kent: Technically a library donation would not be illegal under U.S. law.
Selina: But what about Georgian law?
Kent: There is literally no Georgian law, and I am using "literally" correctly.

Selina: At least when I was leader of the free world, people told me what to do.

Selina: Minna, would it be that bad if Merman actually did win?
Minna: Well, that depends how you define "bad."
Selina: You know, I'm just saying the poisoning and the torture and the death squads aside, I think Merman is really good people. And he's a hell of a storyteller. You could actually learn something from him, Minna.

Minna: He has the soul of a poet.
Selina: Yeah, that and a car with a sunroof could have bought you my virginity in '83.
Minna: You were 22?
Selina: No, I was 15 in 1983.

Jonah: Hey, Pinocchios. Your noses must have been really tiny yesterday because you lied and now they're normal sized.

Selina: Eat the soup.
Gary: Why?
Selina: Because I'm hungry and I need to know if it's been poisoned.
[Gary tastes the soup]
Selina: Oh, it has carrots in it. I'm not going to eat that.

Selina: I hope that ravagenabalis is human shit.
Nikolai Genidze: It's actually what you vomit after eating shit.

Minna: Can I be uncharacteristically blunt with you?
Selina: I can't imagine that.
Minna: The poison - it did not engorge only his face, if you know what I mean.
Selina: I think I do.
Minna: It also engorged his penis and a very unusual texture of sea cucumber so it's great for vaginal orgasms. Which do you prefer? Vaginal or clitoral?
Selina: I just come and get it over with.
Minna: You can come from just your mind?

Kent: Merman's leading by more votes than there are people in the country.
Ben: Maybe he's bussing them in from Chicago.

Selina: This election is going down like Eleanor Roosevelt at Dinah Shore weekend.

Selina: You two ding dongs look like you fingered the Incredible Hulk.

Selina: My concern is I wonder if your judgment is being clouded by your feelings that are brought on by Nikolai's lumpy poison cock.

Selina: You're just in the middle of what we in America call a-
Minna: Difficult situation.
Selina: Fuck fog.
Minna: Yes, and that as well. In Finland we call this the fever of the sausage.

Selina: [Georgia] is the most grotesque country I have ever been to and I have been all over Florida.

Richard: Ma'am, the library fund received a sizable donation from a Georgian AID foundation late last night. Sixty million Georgian lari.
Selina: Yeah, that's worth about $20 million.
Richard: Actually since the coup, due to the exchange rate that's approximately $389,000. Way to go, ma'am!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Amy: We have a lead on a site for your library. The eastern shore of Maryland. If it was any more Kennedy-esque, it would drive you into the ocean.
Selina: Eastern shore - very classy. Fittingly, I lost my back virginity in Asetek.
Richard: I once lost my wallet in Denver.

Jane: Reading. Could it be bad for your child's self esteem? Why one Texas housewife wants to phase it out.

Jane: When we throw to commercial, I want a full fucking beaver shot - with the legs. Otherwise, what is the point?

Dan: Could we go easy on the bronzer, please? I'm starting to look like a diversity hire here.

Tanz: You know, I'm on the board of the Nixon library. That miserable anti-Semite. But a great friend to Israel.

CNN: Meyer certainly would be a super left field choice.
Selina: "Super left field"? Is that even a position?
Gary: That was my position in Little League.
Richard: I was a pitcher's helper.

Selina: If you don't find anyone in the Senate, lift up the sewer grate to the House.

Selina: It's menopause. Just write me a prescription for Eileen Fisher and fosamax and lube.

Doctor: I think you had a small heart attack.
Selina: A heart attack?
Doctor: Yes, ma'am.
[Gary passes out in the background]
Selina: So I'm not menopausal?!
Doctor: Well, no, but this is far more serious.
Selina: Well hand me a cracker and spread it up with I Can't Believe It's Not Menopause!
Doctor: We need to get you to a hospital.
Selina: You want to knock me up, doc? Just cause I can do it!

Dan: You know what I like about you two? It's not clear who's the top.
Marjorie: I am.
Dan: Huh.

Katherine: Maybe we're just doing this all wrong. All these tubes and jars - it doesn't feel organic.
Marjorie: We could streamline the process. You could have direct sexual intercourse with the donor.
[Dan puts down his magazine]
Katherine: Really?
Dan: That's interesting.
Katherine: I mean, I guess if you think that it would work. I'd be willing to try anything.
Dan: Why don't we just puppy pile, okay? We'll get a bite to eat afterwards, maybe see a movie or something. We'll make it nice.
Marjorie: It could be interesting. He does have very delicate features.
Dan: Thank you.
[fertility doctor enters the room]
Doctor: Mr. Egan? Is it okay with you to discuss the results all together?
Dan: Sure, whatever. I'm just the cream filling in this gay eclair.
Doctor: Well, your sperm count looks normal but the motility is abnormally low which means, I'm sorry to say, it may be virtually impossible for you to conceive.
Dan: Seriously?
Katherine: I'm so sorry, Dan.
Dan: So I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing? I am going to save a fortune on morning after pills. There are like three girls that owe me an abortion refund.

Gary: Is this heaven?
Selina: He keeps waking up and asking that.

Selina: Gary, you're going to be fine. You have so much to live for too. Just think, next year you get to go to my library opening and you get to buy my book.
Gary: Can't you just give me a copy?
Selina: I can't be giving out free copies of the book cause think of the position that would put me in.

Selina: If anybody asks, you just say I'm in a routine closed door meeting. And if they're wondering why I'm at the hospital, you just put that on Gary because he had a massive heart attack luckily. He's good though, right?
Amy: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Because I don't know the alarm code to get back into my house.

Jonah: Well, well, well, if it isn't the prodigal traitor, come back home to suck on my giant congressional ball.
Richard: Uh, no, it's Richard Splett.

Amy: Fuck my ears!

Gary: Ooh, Montez, that Latin piece of ass!
Selina: He is hallucinating a lot.

Katherine: Gary, do you have someone at home who can take care of you?
Gary: My roommates Stachelle, Lark, and Boosh.
Marjorie: You have three roommates?
Gary: We share a studio in Hoboken.

Selina: This isn't unprecedented either because President Taft was on the Supreme Court after he was President.
Amy: Yeah, and what's the first thing you remember about him?
Richard: He got stuck in bathtub.
Selina: No, well the second thing you remember about him.
Richard: He was buried in a piano case.
Selina: No, that's not right.

Richard: Ooh, Monday, that's the day after daylight savings time. It's my favorite holiday because it's like living in a tiny version of Back to the Future.

Selina: I love your scarf!
Hallowes: Eileen Fisher.
Selina: So chic!

Selina: I feel like my chest has been trampled in a Puerto Rican nightclub fire.

Selina: My legacy, guys, is me in a robe, taking guns from this guy, giving the death penalty to that guy. And that can't vote me out! It's for life. They're going to have to carry me out of there with the gavel clenched in my cold dead twat.

Richard: For the vetting, the judiciary committee has asked you send them everything that you've ever written on abortion.
Selina: Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I could find it lying around here somewhere.
Richard: I'll check the freezer.

Jonah: Good morning, team Ryan. Tell me what gets this Tanz guy's dick hard.
Ben: Being on time. You're an hour late. He's been sitting in your office the whole time.
Jonah: 10 AM.
Ben: Was an hour ago.
Kent: 58 minutes.
Jonah: Do I need to timesplain clock reading to you two? The big hand points to the noon and little hand points to the-
[Jonah looks at his watch]
Jonah: Well, fuck, it's the... Gawd, it's 10am!
Kent: You didn't set your watch forward.
Ben: Happy daylight savings time.
Kent: Saving.
Ben: Whatever.
Jonah: Shit. Daylight savings time is today?
Kent: Saving. And it started yesterday.
Jonah: Okay, well, there was literally no way that I could have known that.

Tanz: 59 minutes - that's how long I've been sitting here waiting for a man that nobody should wait for.
Jonah: Sir, I'm so sorry. My senior staff-
Tanz: Never apologize. Sorry betrays a weak spirit.

Jonah: Are you going to make a campaign contribution or what?
Tanz: You know what? I am.
[Tanz gets out his checkbook and writes a check]
Jonah: Getting paid, getting laid, son!
Tanz: Congressman Jonah Ryan - zero dollars and one cent.
Jonah: Did you have a stroke, you weird ass old man? You stuck around here for an hour just to be a dick?
Tanz: I did!
Jonah: You didn't even sign this.
Tanz: Maybe you should have apologized.
Jonah: You told me not to!

Jane: Apparently the state senator was against gay marriage and paying his gay escort. We'll be right back.

Kent: Where have you been?
Jonah: Why? Did I miss the French toast dippy things?
Ben: You're two hours late.
Jonah: No, that's impossible. I set my watch back for daylight savings time.
Kent: Saving, not savings.
Ben: You set your watch the wrong way.
Kent: It's neither a plural nor a possessive.
Jonah: No, it's spring. I spring backwards.
Ben: You spring forward.
Jonah: Have you ever watched girls' gymnastics? That makes no sense!
Kent: You could just get the correct time from your phone.
Jonah: Oh, could I? Well guess what? My phone fell in the toilet so who's the fucking smart guy now, Kent?
Ben: Hey, hey, hey, listen to me, you plus sized homunculus.
Jonah: Plus sized what?
Kent: Homunculus. A human shaped creature of medieval legend that Peracelsus claimed was made from putrified sperm.
Jonah: How do you both know that?
Ben: If you don't want that reporter to write a story titled "Granite state represented by twinless tower," then you better get over there, dip his cock in some maple syrup, and start sucking.
Jonah: Fine. Hey, union leader, come over here. Take this down.
[Union leader turns on his recorder]
Jonah: I'm not going to suck your dick. The only one who should be sucking your dick is daylight savings time and I don't give a fuck if that means that some farmer in Kansas has to milk his cow using a fucking flashlight. I've had my own bedtime since I was seventeen. I didn't need a babysitter then and I don't need one now and it's high time that the government stop trying to babysit all of us.
[Jonah storms out]
Kent: That was all off the record.

Selina: Fuck Montez and that fake byur, bur, whatever you call those donkeys they ride in on. Bureaus.
Amy: Burro?
Gary: It would have been a shame to hide that body under a robe.

Tanz: Jonah Ryan - he's young, he's raw, he's a fresh if slightly deformed face that I can ride like a hobby horse. Did you see his nonsense about the daylight savings? I love this guy!
Selina: We all do.

Edited May 8, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[biakbiak]

33 minutes ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Dan: So I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing? I am going to save a fortune on morning after pills. There are like three girls that owe me an abortion refund.

This was basically my everything. It was all in the delivery but it was straight up golden!

[Rinaldo]

5 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Amy: We have a lead on a site for your library. The eastern shore of Maryland. If it was any more Kennedy-esque, it would drive you into the ocean.
Selina: Eastern shore - very classy. Fittingly, I lost my back virginity in Asetek.

Probably Assateague, an island off the eastern shore (i.e., peninsula) of Maryland.

[Ms Blue Jay]

Thank you to @ElectricBoogaloo and all contributors here.  Richard is the sweetest sunshiney person.  I miss a lot of dialogue during the show and I'm almost tearing up at how sweet he is.

Edited May 8, 2017 by Ms Blue Jay

[Ms Blue Jay]

FGS

Edited May 8, 2017 by Ms Blue Jay

[Ms Blue Jay]

On 5/2/2016 at 3:06 AM, Sesquipedalia said:

Selina: Don't you think mud slides are the funniest kinds of natural disasters?

Ben: I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, aaaahhh....

Selina: Those are hilarious.

Kent: Nature's trap door.

Ken, the King of Deadpan!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Old quotes that I thought need to be revisited in the context of recent events:

Dan to Gary:  You know at least three of these kids are probably mine.

Dan to Jonah: You're so stupid you don't even know that you're being used for your stupidity.

Dan: You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.
Jonah: Dan, I'm not getting a ticket. That's the kind of shit that comes back to bite you in the ass when you run for office.
Dan: Yeah, that's what's going to hold you back.

Greg: You gotta get out there and make a name for yourself. You ran one campaign for two weeks and had a nervous breakdown.
Dan: That is medically inaccurate.
Greg: Go out, win a race with a Jesus loving homophobic homosexual or a racist billionaire. Then we can talk about a career in tv.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Amy: Ma'am, American University is a fine institution.
Selina: American University sounds like a made up college in Egypt.

Selina: You know that every president since FDR has had a goddamn library. Even that sanctimonious fraud Carter had a library.

Selina: Get this t-shirt off of me. I look like I'm trying out for The Price Is Right. I wish I'd been assassinated in office. Although with my luck, I'd then be crippled for life, sitting in a wheelchair in my reading room with my name on the thing.
Amy: They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything.

Selina: They have me next to Gerald Ford [at Madame Tussauds]. Is this the hall of half term wonders?
Gary: I thought that was Craig T. Nelson.
Selina: Get them to move me next to Lincoln or Mao or some other game changing icon because that's what I am.

Selina: I'm not depressed. I just feel like I'm in a thick dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out and what's the point of anything anyway?

Marjorie: Richard, are there any hereditary issues that run in your family?
Richard: Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch but love to say it - butterscotch.

Newsstand owner: Hey, this isn't a library!
Dan: No, it's a graveyard that sells gum. Print is dead.
Newsstand owner: You want to buy some gum?
Dan: No, I get all my gum on amazon.

Catherine: If the check is for the rare bird conservancy, then why does it have to go through the Andrew H. Meyer trust?
Andrew: That's a good catch, little Cat. You know what? Just for tax purposes, why don't you make it out to cash? That's easy.

Selina: The lies! The flagrant self interest! You know, during my first win for congress, he was cheating on me during the entire campaign and said it was my fault. Andrew said that he was campaigning long hours at the office for me, but what was he doing? He was fucking Louise Kellogg for me, my goddamn press secretary.
Mike: Who was your opponent in that race?
Selina: Oh, I don't know. Some old white guy. They're all the same.
Mike: What ever happened to Louise Kellogg?
Selina: I made Andrew can her slutty can. And then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.
Mike: That's actually right when I started working with you.

Ben: Get up.
Kent: Give me that fork.
Ben: Up, up.
Jonah: What gives?
Kent: Fundraising laws. No silverware.
Ben: If you sit, it's a meal, which is a gift which is a bribe which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.
Jonah: Well my feet hurt and I'm really hungry.
Ben: Well that's why we told you to eat a big meal before you got here.
Jonah: Well I wasn't hungry then! I have to go to the bathroom.
Kent: You just went.

Tanz: Jonah, I want you to meet my wife Lia and daughter Shawnee. What did I tell you? He's tall.
Jonah: Hi, Mrs. Tanz. Miss Tanz, you are smoking.
Shawnee: I'm the daughter. Gross.

Shawnee: Which you would know if you hadn't been losing a battle of wits with a meatball. Great candidate, dad.

Ben: Go fix this, and do it fast before Kent invites her to a sudoku weekend in Vermont.
Kent: I don't like that.

Jonah: Excuse me, Shawnee. I don't know what your problem is, but I've been underestimated my entire life. Failure to thrive at birth? Fuck that. Puberty at 19? When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade? Everything that I have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller.

Selina: Mother hated all animals that she couldn't eat or wear.

Richard: Grandma Splett always said that self pleasure was a sin, like microwaves or laughter. Worst case, I burn in hell like Grandma Splett.

Shawnee: I chose your outfit for the day but I'm donating the rest of your suits to a charity for rescued circus giraffes.

Jonah: You just look really good in my robe and I thought if you had some time maybe I could finger you or something.
Shawnee: No. We'll fuck again tonight at 7:30 - with less kissing.

Jonah: Did my missing ball freak you out?
Shawnee: Honestly, it was one less thing to worry about.

Amy: You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.

Selina: No, we're not going to have any Sprite. This isn't a movie theater.

Selina: [Uncle George]'s a bald old boozebag with a whiskey stink mustache just like you!

Dan: Do I fuck her? The entire town thinks I am anyway.
Amy: You're my mom's favorite couple.
Dan: It would be uncharted territory for me. I'd be sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess - digging my way through the ancient ruins, hacking my way past the crazy cobwebs and snakes and shit, hoping my face doesn't melt when I open her up.

Amy: What are you doing here? I said I would call you back.
Gary: You also said you'd fix [Selina's wax figure placement], Amy.
Amy: They put her on a bench talking to FDR. Zero anal access. How's that for a New Deal?
Gary: You know what she's also doing? They have her gesturing like this.
[Gary holds out his hand]
Gary: And people are resting their...
Amy: What? Their balls?
Gary: Not just the beans. Also the franks.

Amy: Have sex with Jane McKay, don't have sex with Jane McKay. Just do whatever it takes to keep your job because it is, in fact, a job. Or we could trade places and you could be in charge of a library that doesn't exist for a president who is currently more famous for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists than for serving her country.

Uncle George: Did I tell you the story about how your father made Ethel Merman cry?
Selina: It's true! He tried to pull her wig off.
Uncle George: He didn't like her Broadway show.

Selina: It's fun to drive again, especially drunk.

Jane: Yes, Dan, I know that we're not actually fucking because you're not a billionaire and I don't want to catch anything.

Shawnee: We need to get rid of your glasses. They make you look smart. Voters hate that.

Kent: Just refer to your color-coded chart. I've become close with the woman at Kinko's who makes educational materials for preschoolers.
Jonah: Come on, if the other congressmen see me with a cheat sheet, they're going to think I'm a fucking idiot.
Kent: You can't unring that bell.
Jonah: Why can't we just write it on my hand like we used to? That worked and I felt good about myself.

Shawnee: You're switching to bowties.
Jonah: No, I'll look like that popcorn homo.
Shawnee: You'll look like a school teacher or a small town grocer, good solid New England professions.
Jonah: More like a Nation of Islam badass.
Kent: Small town grocers do poll exceptionally well for probity.
Ben: How do small town child molesters poll?
Shawnee: Oh, and you're voting against HR-2029.
Ben: Wait, wait, Jesus, lady, we're talking about three hundred jobs here at least.
Shawnee: Jobs for wetland duck fuckers who are never going to vote for Jonah.

Kent: The female form is a formidable adversary.
Ben: Ironically I have bigger tits.

Selina: What does Rumpelforeskin want?

Edited April 2, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[bijoux]

@ElectricBoogaloo, thank for the quotes. I miss su much on the first watch. Like, I missed 30% of this dialogue gold.

1 hour ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Shawnee: You're switching to bowties.
Jonah: No, I'll look like that popcorn homo.
Shawnee: You'll look like a school teacher or a small town grocer, good solid New England professions.
Jonah: More like a Nation of Islam badass.
Kent: Small town grocers do poll exceptionally well for probity.
Ben: How do small town child molesters poll?
Shawnee: Oh, and you're voting against HR-2029.
Ben: Wait, wait, Jesus, lady, we're talking about three hundred jobs here at least.
Shawnie: Jobs for wetland duck fuckers who are never going to vote for Jonah.

[Ms Blue Jay]

8 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Marjorie: Richard, are there any hereditary issues that run in your family?
Richard: Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch but love to say it - butterscotch.

LOL @ this being Richard's idea of a hereditary issue.

8 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Ben: Go fix this, and do it fast before Kent invites her to a sudoku weekend in Vermont.
Kent: I don't like that.

Did Kent mean that he didn't like the insult, or that he wouldn't like the activity?  It's hard to believe the latter.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

[Marjorie holds up a sign that says, "Congratulations, Grandma!"]
Richard: Oh, yay! Maybe I can stop masturbating now.

Selina: My international reputation is literally the only thing that I have left now.
Gary: That is not true. You have amazing calves.

Selina: What is the opposite of a warlord?
Richard: A peace lady?

Jonah: The day after daylight saving time, you're all messed up. One time my mom brought in my breakfast an hour late like an idiot so I just threw it on the floor and I said, "Mom, if I wanted to eat this I would have eaten it an hour ago." But it threw off my whole bathroom schedule and I ended up having to poop in a Sunoco bathroom.

Jonah: You know what we really need? A cool name.
Guy #1: Libertonians. It says what we're about.
Jonah: No, it sounds like a gay a cappella group.
Yeager: I got it. The Beltway Boys.
Jonah: Jesus Christ, are you tag teaming this? Those are awful. I got it. How about The Jeffersons?
Yeager: That's pretty good but it also - you know this- happens to be the name of a-
Jonah: President, yeah, that's exactly why I like it, Yeager. Tommy J, he's not all played out like George Washington or Hamilton.
Woman #1: Hamilton wasn't a president.
Jonah: Then why the fuck did they write a musical about him? No, he was our first Puerto Rican president.
Yeager: The Washingtones.
Jonah: No, I am the white Hamilton of the Jeffersons and that's our name. To The Jeffersons!
Everyone else: To the Jeffersons.
Jonah: That's right. No one's going to keep us down because we are moving on up.

Buzzy: What do you think of my tie? I designed it myself. I call it "yoloha." It's a combination of YOLO and aloha.
Dan: I think it's rad- which is a combination of r******* and sad.

Stevie: Honestly, if you fucked in front of us, it would be more dignified.
Buzzy: Like gorillas at the zoo.

Stevie: Sorry about the temperature. Jane just thinks cold makes her nipples pop more and she's not wrong.

Dan: The constant ass grabbing. It's like sexual harassment. I can't take it anymore.
Stevie: What do you want me to do about it?
Dan: You're the producer of the show.
Stevie: I didn't ask for this.

Richard: In America, people are always telling me to go back to Africa. I'm actually glad I did because it's magical out here.

Furlong: Will here can't eat cheese. What happens when you eat cheese, Will?
Will: I go poo poo in my panty wanties.

Jonah: They were out of curds before I got there. Put Wisconsin at the top of my shit list.
Kent: You want me to bump Sammy Hagar?
Jonah: Make them 1A and 1B.

Furlong: I need you and your buddies from the island of misfit toys-
Kent: Isle.

Jonah: You need something from me.
Ben: Oh, no. It understands.

Furlong: Whoa, what's this? The fourth horse face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, you're going to pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Furlong: Ah, Miss Tanz. Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated.

Shawnee: We're engaged.
Jonah: Wait. What? We are?
Shawnee: There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.

Furlong: Fine. Dinner, my house. Will one of you please bathe and dress him?
Ben: I call dress. Sorry, Kent.

Selina: Mike, you look like an old dyke in an English gardening show.

Jaffar: A beautiful woman lost in the desert with only a small group of complete incompetents to assist her.
Selina: Yeah, they really are incompetent, aren't they?
Jaffar: I've never seen anything quite like it frankly. How do you do it?

Jane: Sexually inappropriate? You microdick weasel, you couldn't even fill my pisshole!

Jane: Let me advise you that I built this goddamn network with my own two tits. We aren't even fucking.
Dan: How dare you?
Roberta: Miss McCabe, everyone knows.

Selina: What's Qatari for "morning after pill"?
Gary: Omigawd.
Selina: Probably a stoning which would also do the trick.

Selina: The only question I have is if do you think I can be dating someone who's-
Amy: So much younger?
Selina: No, Muslim.

Amy: It'd be political suicide.
Selina: Okay, last time I checked, my political career had answered a craigslist ad for a modeling shoot in the Angeles National Forest.

Selina: Those Sphinx fuckers really love them some Chinese takeout.

Selina: This is what the Arab Spring was all about - arms deals and the exploitation of third world resources.

Selina: Unless you're planning on knitting your semiconductors out of bamboo shoots and panda cock, you're going to need every ounce of galleon you can get in Sudan.

Selina: Confucius say fuck yeah!

Selina: I don't want this whole evening to go all Natalie Wood on me.

Selina: Mohammed H. Christ, that's my dissident.

Selina: I'm going to say what Titty Gonzalez was too chicken shit to say.

Furlong: Okay, you anal fistula, we had a deal in return for all this creamy domesticity I'm blowing all over your droopy tits.
Jonah: Well now I want a new office.
Furlong: And I want Rihanna to put a gun to my head while she makes me eat her out, but guess what? That's about as likely to happen as Will's wife putting a baby in her polyp festival of a uterus. I would sooner gouge out your eye and fuck your skull from here to the end of time.

Selina: You look like the world's least fucked geisha.

Selina: How did you get me such a great speaking slot so last minute?
Amy: It's an Arab conference on human rights. You can pretty much have any slot you want - after the men, of course.

Mike: Ma'am, here's your speech. Sorry about the hummus stains.
Selina: Omigawd, what happened?
Mike: Turns out it wasn't zinc oxide. I was wearing cocoa butter.
Gary: You look like redheaded bacon.

Richard: Do you prefer gram gram or meemaw?

Selina: They let a warlord into a human rights conference?
Jaffar: [Colonel al-Saleh]'s actually one of the sponsors.

Ben: Could you tell the colossus of chodes that this is the exact same goddamn office only three floors down with a shittier view?

Ben: Second goddamn floor. I can't even commit suicide.
Kent: I've got a key to the roof. We could do a Butch/Sundance.
Ben: Nah, I'll just wait for cancer.

Selina: Your hat looks like it's handmade. I have a lesbian daughter who would absolutely love that.

Selina: Who went pee pee in [Liu's] Coke?

Selina: What do I have to do, pull out my clit and cut it off in front of everyone to get anything done in this world?

Edited May 22, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: Well that just tickles my twat! Gosh, Montez is actually going to say that at my portrait unveiling in English?
Amy: Yup, in front of two hundred of Washington's most important people - and Mike.

Judaism teacher: And Moses led his people to the land of...?
Jonah: Hannukah?

Jonah: This stupid hat is too small for my head.
Shawnee: Yarmulke.
Jonah: Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.

Selina: Catherine, you are not going to be coy or twee about the sex of my grandchild. This is a human being you're making, not some Brooklyn based artisanal chocolate bar.
Marjorie: Birth gender isn't even that relevant. She/he will decide her/his ideal gender when she/he is/are ready.
Selina: Okay, is that how we're talking now, Marjorie? Like some kind of bicurious Porky Pig? I'm not doing that.
Mike: I had an aunt who transitioned - twice. She was trapped inside a man and then that man was trapped inside of another woman.
Richard: Like a turducken.

Catherine: We have baby names picked out either way.
Marjorie: Leslie or Dana if it's a boy.
Catherine: And for a girl we like Linus.
Gary: That sounds like child abuse.

Selina: Does anyone really give a shit about two average looking lesbians?

Mike: We all know you were eee-err eee-err with Kent.
Selina: Kent? My snatch isn't a dataport. What are you talking about?

Jonah: How can anybody jerk off to [Bree] with [Dan] sitting right there?
Ben: I'm sure you'll find a way.

Ben: Are you listening to anything we're saying?
Jonah: Yeah, cocaine, boating, asteroids, whatever.

Jonah: How come you guys got invited to [Selina's unveiling] and I didn't?
Kent: Because we worked for the President and didn't cost her the Presidency.
Ben: And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid.
Kent: Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne. Season one, episode nine.
Jonah: Kent, can I have your plus one?
Kent: No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor. Female.
Ben: Ish.
Jonah: Ben, what about your plus one?
Ben: I work for you. I don't date you.
Jonah: Maybe I'm going to hire some women and make them date me.

Dan: I'm Dan Egan, bringing you your morning, every morning of every day for many mornings to come.
Stevie: And we're clear.
Dan: What'd you think of that new sign off?
Stevie: You sound like a Scientologist.

Furlong: Everyone was [invited to Selina's unveiling] unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.

Montez: Candi, are you alright?
Jonah: Of course she's alright. Why are women always checking in on one another when I'm talking to them?

Selina: Why do you keep saying, "Tom James and I made love"? Are you a 15 year old girl?

Furlong: Sorry, boys, no votes today on legalizing tiny fleshlights for microwangs.

Furlong: This was a done deal. Now look what you've done, you writhing piss filled twizzler. You made Speaker Marwood run all the way down here. Now all the clots in his legs are going to rush to his brain. Maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's cable car wire to realize, but if we don't raise the debt ceiling, America's financial system is going to go belly up like what, Will?
Will: Like my labradoodle Teddy when I cover his cock in honey and give him a sticky wicky.
Kent: You could shut down the government.
Jonah: Well maybe the government needs to be shut down because it's broken and when something's broken, you shut it down and then you turn it back on again like with a router. And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, then maybe they should have invited me to the Meyer unveiling.
Ben: Do you even know what an unveiling ceremony is?
Jonah: Look, whether I know what an unveiling is or is not is not the point. The point is principles.

Ben: Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers drove their short bus right into the debt ceiling vote and t-boned the entire U.S. economy.

Furlong: Brookheimer! Got your dong of a resume. I know you'd chew your own arm off to escape being handcuffed to Meyer's overly toned corpse and her dungeon of losers but I had to go in another direction. Tell her why, Will.
Will: You're stronger than me and you have a higher reserve of dignity and self worth. And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse.
Furlong: Hey, Fuckleberry Finn! Christ, you got old.
Mike: You want to work for that guy?
Amy: I really do.

Selina: Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling.
Amy: Shhhhh.
Gary: And even they don't have to drink Coke Zero.
Selina: At least Jonah wasn't here.

Dan: Remember - every day starts with morning.

Edited May 29, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Selina: You had a relapse? I thought you were just being lazy.

Selina: Hey, Gary, how come your family doesn't have a mongoloid kid on the porch playing the banjo?
Amy: Because he grew up and moved to Washington, DC.

Leon: Mike, do you have any awareness of what's been happening to newspapers in the last ten years?
Mike: No, not at all. Truth is, I don't even get them anymore. I just read the news on my phone. It's so much better and it's free.

Gary's dad: I did not vote for you, but I respect the office.

Jonah: Now it's time for me to punch a clock - with a hammer!

Brie: At least while the government's shut down, we won't have to pay taxes.
Dan: That's not how it works.

Catherine: We're doing a her-storical tour of great southern female writers.
Marjorie: And where they killed themselves.

Jaffar: I tried to explain to [Gary's dad] that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.

Amy: Let's get to work, Mike. Roll those sleeves up to your pit stains.

Ben: You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password. There's no way you're going to get a meeting with Montez no matter what Fievish Fuckhole here says.

Gary: You said on air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead. He was a touring member from 90 to 92. He never officially joined.

Selina: You know, technically I'm from the south. Maryland had slaves. They just didn't secede.
Jaffar: So they had it both ways.
Selina: Yeah, like Gary's dad.

Selina: I'll show that oil splattered cow fucker that I'm open minded and non-judgmental.

Amy: You know that if 35,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls instead of smoking off brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines, we would be working in the White House right now instead of hunting for your diary at a fucking truck stop. I guarantee we are the only people who are not here to score speed or get their assholes licked.

Amy: I am going to choke you to death with your urine-soaked jacket.
Mike: It's not urine. It's probably just water from the urinal.

Selina: Richard, what do you know about jug bands?
Richard: Everything.

Jonah: We're gonna fuck bitches until they in stitches. Actually I'm just kidding. I got engaged. Did you hear that?
Dan: Is she a foreigner?
Jonah: No, just Jewish.

Richard: This band hasn't played together since the great washboard feud.

Selina: [My daddy] just wanted to make his little girl as happy as a hound dog with a horse's johnson.

Dan: I don't have my phone because this morning's guest dropped it over the side of the Staten Island ferry while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in Working Girl.
Jonah: Scrappiest underdog in cinematic history.

Jonah: You've heard the saying you've got to keep your friends close and make your enemies take you to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square.

Selina: It's a hundred and fuck degrees!

Edited April 2, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Ms Blue Jay]

13 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Ben: You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's netflix password. There's no way you're going to get a meeting with Montez no matter what Fievish Fuckhole here says.

I thought this joke was very strange.

- In Canada even the most basic plan I believe is $9.99 which allows 2 people to use it at all times. You'd be incredibly stupid NOT to give out your password to someone.  I have a friend who let me and 4 other people use his basic account for 2 years.  You're going to buy a Netflix account and have the option to let another person use it legally and you're going to horde the password to yourself?  (To have a Sober Account and a Drunk Account, like some people do?  LOL)  For just 12.99 (yes I sound like I work for them) an entire family of four can use it legally at the same time.

- Who gets their Netflix account from their parents?  Generation Z, yes, because they won't have credit cards, but no one else.  I bought a Netflix account and let my parents use mine.  How would my parents know about Netflix before me?  I had to teach them.

Tone-deaf.  As written by someone who doesn't know how Netflix works.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Ms Blue Jay

[scrb]

Even if it's not exact about the mechanics of how Netflix works, the idea is fine, that Jonah isn't completely grown up or independent.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I didn't have a problem with the Netflix comment. Netflix has been around for a long time (almost twenty years!) so there are plenty of people over the age of 30 who know about it. If Jonah is in his 30s, it's totally possible that he got his mom to sign up for Netflix with her credit card back when he was in high school or college and he's just been using that account ever since then. A friend of mine just turned 30 and his parents are 61 and 57, and they've had Netflix for at least ten years.

[Totale]

14 hours ago, Ms Blue Jay said:

You're going to buy a Netflix account and have the option to let another person use it legally and you're going to horde the password to yourself?

Funny, that was Jonah's argument to his mother.  That's how he got her password.