Ghost of TWOP Past

Saw my first Christmas-related commercial of the year. Some Hallmark romance movie. IT'S OCTOBER 6TH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

Trust me; you do NOT want to visit her next door neighbor.

You punk kids don't know from disgusting commercials. In my day we had to hear about potato chips which helped you lose weight but might cause "anal leakage." Oh, don't believe me, eh? Get off my lawn!

What's with that service where you win money and prizes by losing weight? This is godawfully cynical, right? If you don't lose more bets than you win they'd go out of business, so aren't they pretending to be encouraging while actually banking on you failing to lose weight?

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮 "If there's pain when you try to poo-- " Click.

Start TV: 'In Plain Sight's marshal Mary Shannon takes no prisoners... " Me: Okay, first of all, no, she doesn't up and frikken kill people who are trying to surrender. She's a federal marshal, not an assassin. Secondly, she's in the witness protection division so she doesn't even take prisoners very often. Most of the time she just guards witnesses, kibbitzes in their lives, and grouses at people. Have you even watched this show? Who writes this stuff, for crissakes? I don't know why this makes me so irate.

How the hell does she know that?

Now he's Mr. Peanut the White.

There's a commercial for an electric heating pad, and to show that it's better than the competition they have someone walk up and assail the chilly person with a leaf blower at close range. The competition's heat pad blows away, whereas Brand X's shrugs off the gale with leaden aplomb. Bear this in mind the next time you're faced with the dilemma of remaining cozy during a hurricane.

"I'm Rula Lenska." And as one, an entire nation stopped what it was doing, turned to each other, and said in unison, "Who the fuck is Rula Lenska?" It was sort-of the "apply directly to the forehead" of its time.

It's ice that cracks when the lady is on the stairs? I thought it was her fragile old bones without the benefit of whatzit miracle product?

"Constipation is all around. You just have to know where to look." Why in god's name would I want to go looking for constipation?

"I never planned on being in an accident." Of course not, you halfwit. If it was planned it wouldn't be an accident.

Honey Combs. Kid says something I don't remember, dad asserts that he was cool in his youth, cut to a shot of dad as a kid with 80s hair. That's it. That's the whole thing. It's not funny. But they play it almost every god damned commercial break while I'm trying to watch my wee hours NYPD Blue re-runs. Sometimes more than once. Urge to kill... rising...

But Steve had the eye! It was Jamie that had the ear! That should be Lindsay Wagner!

Baffling me during my wee-hours NYPD Blue re-runs is this thing where a guy gets up on a stage with a hand mic in what looks like a movie theater and he lectures the people in the seats about some urinary health issue. Is he the pre-movie warm-up act? Or is there no movie and this is the world's worst one man play, The Bladder Dialogues?

You have misquoted there. It actually says Annuity Doextraneousapostrophes & Don'ts for Baby Boomers. Which makes me want to slap people.

Does it come as a set with those 5-blade razors? (About which, by the way, geometry should tell people that anything more then 2 will have little to no additional effect.)

Yes, it's back. "I WANT MY DING DING I WANT MY DING DING I WANT MY DING DING... " etc. I still have no idea what they're saying or what they're selling. I do not stick around to find out. Nothing has ever made me reach for the remote faster.

No, was the remake, all the eps, back to back. But back on-topic, yes, that's where I saw the commercial with the seemingly dead woman.

There's a Little Caesar's commercial about how they deliver your food immaculately or something. I don't know exactly what because I'm not paying attention. But intercut are several snippets of people at home needing food and ordering pizza and whatnot, and just for an instant, there's a shot of this woman with a dazed look on her face and her head mashed up against a wall? Floor? It doesn't linger long enough for me to parse what I'm looking at. Has she just been murdered? Has she fallen and can't get up? Has she collapsed from corona virus/hunger? I'm sure the intent is that she's really bored or something, but the way this just flashes inexplicably by is unnerving. Why are there dead people in pizza commercials now?

The 'dawn of time' being the mid-70s. Get off my lawn, you punk kid.

Thanks for the advice, but I was not contemplating ordering the water-powered flashlight, the magic magnifying glasses with built-in lights, the special forces sunglasses, or any other of that bric-a-brac. 😂

So I've been seeing a lot of those late night adverts for gimmicky devices, and they keep saying something like, "And now you can get two! Just pay a separate fee." So, the deal is to get two for the price of two? Or what?

Couldn't he get just about any drugs he wanted by riffling through Charlie's pockets?