SirOsisOfLiver

Computer Haiku Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. Windows has crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies So beautifully. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Dictionary Of Women's Vocabulary • Fine: This is the word we use to end an argument. "Fine" means that the argument is over, we are right and you should shut up. Never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks as this will cause you to have one of those arguments. • Five Minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash. • Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn a man inside-out, upside-down and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". • Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". • Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised-eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by a "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. • Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very misunderstood by men, a "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing". • Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but still a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe. • That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding on your punishment for whatever it is that you've done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you're going to be in some mighty big trouble. • Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you've done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't receive a "That's okay". • Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome". • Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by a "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong, as she will only tell you, "Nothing".

A guy is sitting in a bar having a couple of drinks. Another guy comes in and sits at the bar on the stool next to him, carrying a case. He sets the case on the bar and opens it. From the case he removed a small grand piano and a tiny piano bench and placed them on the bar. He reached back into the case and took out a little man about a foot tall in tux and tails and placed him on the piano bench. The little man began to play the piano. Classical. Jazz. He was very good. The first guy was stunned. He turned to the other man and asked, "This is amazing! Where'd you get this?" The man told him that he had found an old lamp at the side of the curb one day, and as he rubbed the dust off, a genie appeared, and here we are. The first man asked what had happened to the lamp. "I have it here with me in the case," he replied. "It only seems to work once for each person, so it's no more use to me." "Can I try it?" the first man asked. "Sure, go ahead," the man replied. He reached into the case, pulled out a lamp and handed it to the man. The man rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. "You may have one wish," said the genie. "Okay, I want a million bucks!" Instantly the bar was filled with a million mallards, flapping and flying everywhere. "What the hell? What gives? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" yelled the man. The second man looked at him and replied, "Well, did you really think that I had asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Snappy Comebacks For Cocky Employees • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. • I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth. • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. • How about never? Is never good for you? • You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication. • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. • Who, me? I just wander from room to room. • I'll keep that in mind if your opinion ever becomes important to me. • It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

It's raking season in my part of the world. My wife just depressed the hell out of me by reading that the average mature tree has about 200,000 leaves.

Men think computers are female because: • Nobody but the Creator understands their internal logic. • The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. • The message, "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you!" • Your smallest errors are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it. Women think computers are male because: • They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless. • They're supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem. • As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had just waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. • In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. • A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM • Describe your problem: __________________________________________ • Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ • Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:_________________________________________ • Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ • Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ • Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ • Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ • Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ • Have you made it worse? Yes__ • Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ • Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ • Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ • Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ • If "Yes" then why can't you fix the problem yourself? _________________ • How tall are you? Are you above this line? _________________ • What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?___________________ • If "nothing" explain why you were logged in. ________________________________ • Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ • How does this problem make you feel? ________________________________ • Tell me about your childhood. ________________________________ • Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__ • Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Creedence Clearwater Revival reached the runner-up spot five consecutive times between March 1969 and October 1970, scoring number two hits with "Proud Mary," "Bad Moon Rising," "Green River," "Travelin' Band/Who'll Stop the Rain" and "Lookin' Out My Back Door" / "Long as I Can See the Light" but never had a number one.

Great Truths About Life According To Children • No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. • When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. • If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. • Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. • You can't trust dogs to watch your food. • Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. • Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. • You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. • Don't wear polkadot underwear under white shorts.

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he'll still get it wrong.

Cat-isms • Dogs have owners, cats have staff. • Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. • There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. • Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. • As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. • One cat just leads to another. (Ernest Hemingway) • There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. (Albert Schweitzer) • Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. • Time spent with cats is never wasted. • You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. (Colonial American proverb) • Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. • Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. (Robert A. Heinlein)

Lessons For Young Inexperienced Cats • If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you can't manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag carpet is good. • Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door has been opened for you, it is not necessary to actually use it. • Once you have ordered that the outside door be opened for you, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. • Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. If you can arrange to have "Puss 'n Boots" on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing trouser legs, select colours which contrast well with your own. For example, if you are white-furred, a good black wool is best. • When walking among the dishes on the kitchen table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is, "But you let me do it when company isn't here!". • Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. • If one of "them" is sewing or working with paper and pens, and the other one of "them" is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "hampering". When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way, you can't be seen, and stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and soothed. • For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless of course you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze, then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This causes what is called a "dropped stitch". She will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it. Keep in mind the aim is to "hamper". • Most important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are free for playing "Catch The Mouse" or "King Of The Hill" on their bed between 2:00 A.M. and 4:00 A.M. Begin this training early and you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know a few basic rules, but they can be trained if one starts in time.

Now, at long last, some new Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully. • Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. • Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand held fan and tiny tissues. • Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. • Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included! • Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. • No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. • Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With minivan in robins egg blue, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. • Mid-life Crisis Barbie: It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." • Divorced Barbie: Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. • Single Mother Barbie: There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included. • Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke. • Post Menopausal Barbie: Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. • Lorena Bobbitt Barbie: Our gal has had it with Ken's messing around with Stacey and Skipper. Comes with her own Pampered Chef knife and personal Cuisinart. Ken's anatomical short-comings are finally explained!

• Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the "herd shot 'round the world". • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After a while, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." • The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they wouldn't. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mindthinkr, in reply to your question, I've been saving crap that people emailed me for years, so I've been trolling through it, trying to decide what's appropriate and what's too long for this forum. Don't want to monopolize the topic.