Neet

I almost couldn't be bothered to write a post, much to the dismay of nobody. There's real commentary in it for once instead of just acting stupid. John Wines - You're saying that someone who practices an instrument for several decades will become good at it? At least a million other people can play like him, so the only "draw" is him being old. Brynn Cummings - I think "judges" has become one of those words on par with "moist" that I never want to hear again, even more so when said by a puppet. There's a constant insinuation that the TV audience is supposed to think of them as your friends or surrogate parents. The act was better than most like it because of adding a magic trick, so it wasn't just unfunny snark banter, although the actual ventriloquy was kind of weak. Roland Abante - About 20 years ago, America was so up its ass with patriotism that every other country felt like the enemy. People would thank the Coca Cola deliverymen for their service, although that probably still happens. Now, anyone else coming into the US, even illegally, gets a standing ovation. He has a good voice, but it's sickening to see the audience act like they'd pack an arena to watch a random guy singing. Simon used to at least pretend he was looking for marketable talent. Riccardo Pace - In fairness, modern Kelly Clarkson would sound pretty similar to this. Ahren Belisle - Nice to know this guy isn't so impaired as to not obsess over race like everyone else. The first third was good, then it became a list of socially acceptable topics to bitch about, nearly absent of punchlines. Grace Good - Her name sounds like Roland's review of her performance. I can't remember much of it. Alfie Andrew - I thought it was really good the first time, then played it again and could hear how amateurish he sounded. At least he doesn't seem to be an act given massively undue praise just for being a kid. Fake Dad Simon's comment about his clothing was easy to see coming, thankfully nobody really reacted. David Rush - Could he possibly have underset his first record in private to dramatically break it on TV? Probably. A more interesting record to set than fist bumps would be verifying a single instance of germ theory - or most tinfoil hats fashioned in 60 seconds. Alexandr Leshchenko - Didn't Americans used to call people who run away from war cowards? I'd dodge the draft like a teetotaler, don't get me wrong. Anyway, this is another act where someone dancing around a laser tag background is supposed to make you feel the sanctity of life or some other nonsense. A snooze. Herwan Legaillard - What prompts someone to know they're able to swallow a sword? Him doing this during Pride month certainly draws some implications, but it was pretty good. At least he was doing more than just standing in place. Chioma & The Atlanta Drum Academy - AGT must be contractually obligated to always end with a group of black men/boys doing something in unison. The formula of African American + group + from shitty neighborhood must equal Au, though I haven't taken chemistry in a while. They have a lot of energy, but the actual drumming was just alright. I could slot this in for any act, but Terry acting like a spellbound simpleton and feigning a heart attack 20 times a show is getting really irritating. Having watched this show since 2011, I think the fun ended many years ago. It's way too predictable and sanitized, not to retread the judge worship. American Idol is similar, but I somehow can't hate it anywhere near as much. AGT being a variety show should imply higher highs, but almost everything is just okay and thus makes every episode drag on.

I naively thought that the show's initials sounding like "agate" meant we'd be seeing diamonds in the rough tonight, but it was more like unpolished junk. Christopher (Lambros) Garcia - His moves were pretty similar to Kevin from Home Alone dancing in celebration that he has the house to himself aside from the microwave and dishwasher spying on him, which is to say he didn't look very coordinated. Another act with no appeal, and anyone who legitimately shows enjoyment at a little boy dancing should get the side eye. At least competing in this show during summer break will defer his bullying to the next school year. Sainted Trap Choir - Congrats to this group for defying the usual black stereotypes of sassy choirs and obsession with rap music by combining them. They call themselves a trap choir, yet one of the songs they did (Just Wanna Rock) is referred to as "Jersey club" music, which is a blend of hip hop and EDM. Trap beats are known for skittering high hat drums, which that song doesn't have. The guy who did the vocals (Lil Uzi Vert) was also featured in the first song they did, Bad and Boujee, so not respecting my severe nitpicking and ignoring the clear difference between those instrumentals is kind of odd. The last song they did clearly wasn't trap either. I'm annoyed that songs about waving guns around in the park aren't being categorized correctly. Anyway, this was hot garbage. Ramadhani Brothers - If you've ever seen those charity commercials of Africans carrying water jugs on their head for 40 miles, this was the next logical step. Good lil act that was pretty different from the usual strongman routines, and kudos to whoever told them to not each be sporting gigantic afros that cover their eyes. The American diet is so toxic, NBC will probably be spending quite a bit on airfare to rush them out of the country after each performance to maintain their physique, but any more performances like this will be worth the cost. Virginia Stone - I don't believe her 'husband calling' has any right or wrong technique. He can hear her perfectly fine, but he's most likely Snapchatting his teen girlfriend. AvantGardey - The cuteness overload made me want to jump the line to immigrate to Japan to pursue a lifetime of watching cartoons and eating pink KitKat bars, all the while rolling my eyes at seeing an Indian doctor in my hometown. Anyway, it's pretty clear that acting adorable is the crux of the group. Their choreography was "smooth like butter", to quote a song from not-Japan, but I wouldn't say it was anything mind blowing. Putri Ariani - America's borders are so open, blind people can find their way in. That's impressive, and so too was her vocal ability, although this is of course a story first performance. Her first song was an original about being heartbroken, which shows how easy it is for women to date even if they have a disability, but at least the guy in question is probably hideous since she'd never know. She's talented but I will admittedly never seek out her music, unlike the fake "die hard" Kodi Lee fans from years ago that disappeared instantly. Simon gave her the golden buzzer despite her not even knowing what gold is, which brings us all closer to the same level of apathy. Mandy Muden - These drawn out magic tricks are frickin' painful to sit through because they tell you what's going to happen long in advance and then you powerlessly watch it happen, much like the ancient passages that speak of men being forced to eat steaks made of mung beans. (coming to your kitchen soon) The audience laughs at everything so they're not much of a barometer, but I didn't think anything she said was amusing. Half the time, it's like someone being from a country is automatically funny. Zoe Erianna Cuí - Another crappy act that we'll be repeatedly subjected to because the Brit everyone pretends is still a jerk can't say no to anything other than limiting cosmetic procedures. I don't get where the non-imprisoned audience of people who want to watch kids on TV is, this is so boring. When Lady Gaga was popular around 2010-11, there was much concern that she was indoctrinating the children with her lyrics. Now we've come full circle and they're brainwashing everyone in return, much to the applause of my vasectomy-stricken frat brothers. Muhamed Kahrimanovic - For an elderly German guy, he seemed pretty 'with it' to know that Americans will attack anything that contains water. Mitch Rossell - Nice to see a slightly older singer throw his oversized hat in the race, at least in one of the few genres where you don't have to be under 25 to succeed. He's already had a successful career writing for Garth Brooks and other big names that the show will never mention, which would only make sense to keep secret if it was a catalog of racist songs for Garth to perform under the Chris Gaines scapegoat. Despite having so much experience, the song Mitch did here had some very literal lyrics and thus left nothing to the imagination. Ray Wold - It's not every day that we get representatives of both generations responsible for young adults never being able to buy a home. Not much to say. This was one of the few good ones aside from the overly careful knife throwing, but what do you expect. It seems rather obvious that he's trying to become the show's first premature winner of a million dollars by killing his mother for the insurance money.

I seemed to recall saying AGT was bad as an in-joke or something, but tonight's episode was dreadful. Trex Flips - My circle of zealots and I can confirm zero evidence of dinosaurs in the entire past 6000 years, so this costume was farcical at best. As usual, almost any Asian guy is treated like a joke/meme act and even more common, a performer with a low ceiling is let through only to disappoint in later rounds. Philip Bowen - "Oh, fiddle" is what the audience said when seeing a violin player was only the second act in a very long night. I mainly listen to rappers talk about ruining their own cities, so it took a while to notice that this was System of a Down. It's nice to not only have to hear traditional violin music, but this has been done before and has limitations that everyone but the judges will observe soon. Steel Panther - I listen to a lot of music in hopes of impressing people I don't like, but Steel Panther is a new one in my rotation. I remember them as a joke band from over a decade ago, so waiting this long to come on the show makes no sense unless the fans of this genre are dying and need to be replaced. Even though hair metal bands are passe these days, I still discuss poison all the time, though it's regarding my extreme fear of drinking tap water. Anyway, a decent act, but they shouldn't be fooled by a temporarily captive audience that is only pretending to be fans. Three G - Just mentioning their location made the crowd leap to their feet, even though polling the average citizen would show they don't know what's going on over there. (I don't, either) However, due to my proclivity of sending full paychecks to nebulous activism, I would have liked to know what these women looked like in advance to spoil them directly and cut out the middleman, as I also donate to girls online for no benefit, despite them already living better lives than I ever will. Between their name and the trio contorting themselves into the shape of a cell tower, I felt a cyst on my neck growing in real time, but them failing at the same trick multiple times was decently suspenseful for once. A rare time where it a moment didn't feel manufactured. Trigg Watson - Based on his name, I wanted to know what his "angle" was with this until he unveiled the gigantic iPad, which I assure you would have done something to my dopamine receptors if they weren't already fried from infinite scroll. He interacted with the videos much like I do when trying to grope on-screen women like an ape in captivity, and I assume the display was larger than it appeared and partially transparent so the objects looked like they were floating. He was good, but it's so easy to get numb when watching most acts. Kozo - Wow, another Asian guy who only gets screen time for acting like a goof. Japanese crowds are known for being respectful and not making any noise, which will bring an international flavor to local Iam Tongi concerts in the near future when he inevitably fails to deliver. Off topic already. Anyway, this was another pointless waste of time and you know it's bad when something shitty goes on for so long that the judges and crowd pretend that it's good as some kind of *wink moment. D’Corey Johnson - Is D'Corey his real name, or is he another one of those performers who no longer stutters when singing? He has a pretty good voice, to the point where one could serenade their wife with the musical stylings of someone a fraction of their age and ignore the emasculation. Still, singers on here are almost always dull, not helped by still being in recovery from the most recent season of American Idol. Shadow Ace - I've hired a few virtual assistants from the Philippines and it's surprisingly common for them to act like this guy. This was pretty much a shrunken down version of any silhouette dancer on here that uses interpretive dance to convince you that life is worth living or other pretentious themes, but at least this was rather absent of it. You know you're down bad when getting aroused at a shadow puppet on a pole, but she was livelier than most of the other girls you'd see on a Tuesday night. Orlando Leyba - A comedian on AGT without having some sort of ailment was so confusing, I almost broke my own back to maintain some kind of status quo. This was until seeing that he had a mental handicap of terrible material. I didn't smile once and would say he's getting most of his laughs from charisma instead of what he's saying. Unless, God forbid, I am not the arbiter of humor and people can like different things. Mzansi Youth Choir - Does anywhere in the entire continent have agriculture and energy sectors, or are choirs their main export? They said they're from "beautiful South Africa", but are likely already trying to set down permanent roots in the US without question. I screamed in persecution when the choir suggested they had been carjacked by the usual scapegoat of black men, despite this taking place in Africa. They're "good", but I was tuned out after such a bad show and can't pretend to care. Howie had an expression of shock and awe on his face that can only come from watching hundreds of people who can sing in his more than ten years on the show. The choir receives the new 'audience golden buzzer' because the paid plants in the first ten rows deserve a voice, too. This show was effing painful. There's something about the auditions that are particularly bad.

The Mayyas made just enough to cover their phone bills for the inevitable group chat filled with bitching about how non-lucrative the show ended up being. Anyway, they deserved to win. Post-AGT success is hard to gauge, although Vegas is one of the only outlets for such an act. The unfairness of being women in show business has me worry about how precarious the group's longevity is, notably in the likely event that all 36 girls fall pregnant at the exact same time. ☹️ I don't know why Kristy went back to the "pole" when voting was closed, but her getting second place was a shock. Watching and writing about this show is exhausting, so here's hoping Simon insists on riding his bike to the next set of auditions for another 6 month delay.

Kristy Sellars - It was in poor taste to have such a seedy performance open the show at barely 8 PM, and even more so for Kristy to dedicate this to her daughter's teenage years, which will hopefully be less traumatic than her mother's. I act like the moral police until a stripper is twerking against my nostrils, then it's just a bit of harmless fun. Anyway, this was another one of those acts (like every LED dancing group) that has the same pretentious "messages" like 'follow ur dreams' and other such lessons you can learn from a children's cartoon. Ironically, her act is reliant on animation, too. Like a circumsized man, I felt nothing here. Nicolas Ribs - The old bat over at MJ's Big Blog (where I paste everyone's name from) loves to spell his last name in all caps for some reason, though I guess it's helpful to emphasize to all Americans that bones really do lie underneath their blobs of a stomach. Nicolas continues to rely on his magic whiteboard and this was pretty much the same as last time, so it was just alright. I sense he doesn't think he did very well, considering how Nick had to give himself his own flowers mid-performance. Chapel Hart - It's refreshing to have some patriotism displayed without the need for a superpower to first lie to its people. Being prideful about where you're from and not what identity you are despite the new terms likely not existing a year ago feels like a bygone era. The vocals were pretty awful, not helped by the tears at the end. If Dolly Parton were going to make an appearance in the next 24 hours, she's probably cancelling those plans. Mike E. Winfield - Most of his jokes were good, aside from that one at the end where he said his newborn baby came from the mall or something, since I don't know what he meant. He'd benefit from much longer sets, so here's praying the collective attention span lasts long enough for Mike to be filmed doing something else. "Laughter is the best medicine" says the country that eats Vicodin by the handful, so he's quite unlikely to win. Metaphysic - Unsurprisingly, there needed to be great distance put between their performance and the other Elvis impersonator. I'm sure the real one would've agreed to be there if not for the audience's confusion about where he's been for 50 years. (aside from under their noses) Just having a medley of Elvis songs for two minutes had my hand twitching and ready to open 40 new internet tabs out of boredom, so it makes sense to add some other faces into it. Still, the Simon face has been played out too much and Sofia/Heidi added nothing, proving that women are still unfunny even when men are in charge. Mayyas - For how much they complain about being under the cruel thumb of their country, several of the girls have septum piercings and tattoos, so it's bemusing that the desire to wreck one's appearance knows no cultural boundary. I watched this a second time and confirmed my original boredom. Not sure what to say; they're good, yet I don't feel entertained at all. Avery Dixon - Doing the song "Ain't Nobody" with those double negatives makes it hard to know if he has self esteem or not. His journey has been so linked to the story of getting bullied, he'd have been better off if tonight's show had a whodunit mystery of Avery getting pushed down the stairs by a random assailant and then coming out to perform while fully bandaged for maximum sympathy. It was alright, but I can't see him placing very high. Celia Munoz - Her summoning a ghost looked a lot like black magic, to the point where I thought Mervant would start rapping along. She has a few backbones of her act: the phone call voice, eating/drinking while throwing her voice, and opera singing. Any story or premise is a background for those things to be done, and I thought this one was pretty convoluted. She ended up making it work, though. Sara James - She just had fried chicken for the first time and loved it, so this is a soft warning that when she becomes fully Americanized and balloons to 300 pounds, it really needs to be all about her voice. Hearing the name Kate Bush already confirmed this song was from the '80s, unlike the more modern name of Kate Landing Strip. Anyway, her style of performance reminded me of Billie Eilish, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Song choice was still well done, which, go figure that an enjoyable song will be pleasant to hear be covered. Yu Hojin - Just like Nicolas, he's unable to step away from his magic table. His table is so gimmicked, it makes sense for him to dedicate the performance to British Simon, who wouldn't question why somebody is completely enshrouded in darkness during summer. He was better than Nicolas tonight, and the Statue of Liberty ending was a nice touch. Drake Milligan - I was a little confused seeing "DRAKE" on the LED panel for so long while none of the performance included rapping about impregnating strippers in a fake Jamaican accent. He couldn't be bothered to play a new song, probably because the record label he's transparent about getting backed by wants him to promote the single. Kudos for having a lyric about getting drunk while a video of cars on the road plays, though it wasn't very realistic considering the driver wasn't going 300 mph through a school zone. Upon a second play, the song was decent and I'll have to give Drake's album a try to extend my conscious thoughts about him for another half day after the show concludes. "Never watch AGT again? Sounds like something I'd do! 🎵"

Terry and the judges gush about how this season is the best ever, despite 75% of each week's acts serving as fodder like always. Obviously, one of them saying something like "actually, nothing can top Darci Lynne" would result in an awkward silence and pointless show, so the fakery has to be done. & Juliet - I guess Romeo's name was omitted because he refused to kill himself for any actress over the age of 13, so that monkey wrench resulted in an aimless karaoke routine instead. Perhaps Juliet still ends up poisoned at the end of this musical, although the whole audience of Americans follows a western diet and inoculates themselves to the gills over things I confidently declare don't exist until asked for proof, so it wouldn't be as dramatic of a scene today. It was a pretty standard performance IMO, I really don't understand why so many of these results show acts get praised so much. Simon's joy of seeing them earlier must have at least partially been from shock and awe of the Londoners making it inside the building without getting shivved. Celia Munoz is voted in as the wildcard, which is unsurprising because comedians are possibly the most shafted niche on AGT. Who could blame the voters when most comedians are awful. Celia's lips were clearly moving during her excitement, giving the ruse away despite not holding a puppet or performing, so congrats to everyone who put her through. 🙄

Yeah, that was quite distracting. Either the puppet has restless leg syndrome or the guy was trying to get some final attention before being cast off, which given how quickly the audience moves on, I can't blame him. I don't know what a professional ventriloquist's career could look like if not getting a Vegas show, since the traditional route of TV fame is dead and short form content like TikTok is worthless in terms of audience loyalty. (since people swipe at a hundred or more videos a day with no attachment to anybody)

Riverdance - Their name had me gripping my rosary beads in anger at the idea of anyone else walking on water, as I claim various faiths only when wanting to look down on others. I don't get the wild reaction for this, it seemed to be a simple routine that gets perceived as impressive because many people are doing it. 'Clogging' the airwaves, but it was over within 90 seconds. Piff The Magic Dragon - I figured the dog was taking a while to solve the Rubik's cube because his "brain food" was chicken instead of the ground up mealworms and Tofurky we'll all be forced to eat soon, but the reveal of the actual trick was a nice surprise for once. The attention whoring woman mugging for camera time added nothing to this. Results: Mike Winfield making it through was a nice surprise on a show that requires fellating the judges to get any praise. The taller member of Metaphysic has a default expression of "it's in the bag for us", unless I'm, like him, also projecting. I've got nothing, this show was incredibly uneventful compared to the usual void every results show is. Next week looks tolerable, dare I say.

Bayley Graham - His charisma saved the performance from being boring, which is usually what sinks a ton of acts that come out like "I will be doing the thing now" in a hushed deadpan voice. The dancing on the stairs reminded me of my happiness when the check for my fake back injury clears against all odds. Ed Sheeran's "Shape Of You" was playing in the background, which given the American-sized audience, makes sense that it was penned in his native England and may not translate abroad. At one point, Bayley summoned clones of himself to dance alongside and it got a big reaction. I don't know why, given the accidental sighting of Howie A and Howie B at the judge's table multiple times and "Terry" leaking motor oil into his suit. Solid opener. Acapop! - They would really benefit from a full band, though any producer saying he wants to 'make music' with the kids will land himself in a jail cell. There's a painful dichotomy between hating rearranged covers of popular songs and the usually grating original songs, which this was. Howie buzzed them right around the time it was feeling like an endless performance. I don't get why they seem to lean into their age as part of the gimmick so much after saying they want to be doing this for a long time, when some of them don't even look that young. (it's the audience who ages in real time while watching) Jannick Holste - So by doing magic tricks, he's openly supporting the conversion of one thing into a more acceptable thing that the audience cheers at? It's 2022, I thought we were past this. Anyway, it was better than expected due to the high energy, even though a lot of the tricks seemed to be yanking a sheet off of an object/person. It's probably worth watching again to fully know what I gave partial attention to the first time. Lee Collinson - A rare time where a singer on here sings with real passion, which I can only assume is directed to an online girlfriend separated by several oceans and the Swiss Alps and probably resides in an Indian call center. His voice was pretty good, though he's just like James Arthur, JP Saxe, or any of those inoffensive guys who have six months in the sun. (and they're all British, so that's pretty damn long for them) Jack Williams - The crowd was more accepting of a grown man's stuffed toy collection than expected, but this was pretty lame. Ventriloquists have a hell of a time coming up with any material beyond arguing with the puppet, who is always the same sarcastic and rude archetype. I was hoping that he'd make an allusion to all figureheads being puppets, singling out the one who I mistakenly believe has my interests in mind and somehow isn't bought and paid for. Anyway, I don't think there were any jokes to be found here. Metaphysic - Given that my collection of deepfake material requires its own server room, let's just say that opening a video of Charli D'Amelio that ends up being her singing opera would be gravely disappointing. These guys said they were going to step it up with something big and yet repeated the first act of Simon singing while adding two other replacement father figures beside him. This whole gimmick is basically boring opera singing wrapped in a different package and gets progressively less funny as it goes on, much like a timelapse of any young women I ingratiate myself to in hopes of affection. The Lazy Generation - Suiting their name, I had to give applause that they were not so lazy as to not even show up. The premise of their act has some potential, but the execution tonight was terrible. So much pointless setup and nut shots, which given the ~30% trans population today, I can only assume hurt them. Almost everything but the last stunt was an injury that would be only mildly painful, like stubbing your toe, so it was Three Stooges-tier pain without the cohesion. The cactus spot was better, but only half of the men took it and there was so much time flexing and preening upon getting up that it ended rather abruptly. Merissa Beddows - How on (flat) Earth is she 23-24 years old? She looks at least a decade older, though it would be the sexiest case of progeria I've ever seen. Anyway, the cube from her last performance was an unnecessary gimmick, but you'd think she would at least have the names of who she's impersonating on screen in case the teenagers watching at home can't instantly conjure up a memory of Cher's voice. Granted, she will live forever due to being so full of cosmetic injections that she'll be unable to decompose. Merissa has a good voice, but the performance was quite unstructured. Harper - Another obvious setup like the Parmesan guy where she was going to "switch things up" for a few moments before going into the rehash. Practically speaking the verses confirmed her lack of singing talent, since the growling doesn't actually require any unless doing this music for real and not just spectacle. It did make me want to really channel my anger the next time I throw a tantrum over a toy on the crest of my 30th birthday, but I have no real praise. Mike E. Winfield - The theme of tonight's show seems to be how confidence can really elevate mediocrity, as half of the jokes weren't that good. However, the ones that hit were pretty funny and his charisma sold them. It's quite a difference between Mike and the other comedians who try to deliver relatable material like they're taking a survey. Hopefully he makes it through so a single comedian is placed among the dozen singers and magicians in the finals. Lily Meola - I'm suspicious of any woman who tells a story about butterflies and doesn't have a full sized back tattoo to commemorate said creature. Holy, this was a dull way to close the show, and further proof that it's all about tragic personal lives. She did another original song at the auditions and it was also pretty tiresome. Not a good sign when she was previously signed to a record label. I was trying to listen to the lyrics, but it became difficult when all of my extra screens turned on via boredom sensor and I was suddenly watching TikTok, studying for the bar exam, online gaming, and learning to make tiramisu from Jamie Oliver. She'll make it through, regardless.

I was going to say that Teddy's virality is probably similar to Jelly Roll, as they're both covered in face tattoos (and Roll is obese), so everyone's shocked that they can sing. Post Malone waited to get famous before ruining his appearance, which is slightly commendable. There are plenty of rap ""artists"" with face tattoos, but since they do nothing but grunt and bark their own name alongside expletives, anyone with talent who looks this way is even further enhanced.

Most of the acts that were eliminated didn't have a chance in h-e-double hockey sticks (hello, Cline Twins) to go through, and everyone knew this, so it's a hypnotic kind of magnetism that draws people into sitting through a whole results show to be confirmed of their own suspicions. In contrast, it takes a succinct minute or two of watching the news to be up to date in how all citizens should hate each other and things I've never thought about are getting worse. Kodi Lee, Teddy Swims, and Neal Schon - I was daydreaming of how to impress Kodi's mother, who somehow hasn't become geriatric from stress after all this time. It probably takes zero game, since she's quite responsive to men making random noises and rolling their eyes into the back of their head. That's it, the gym membership is cancelled. Teddy Swims is one of those names that sounds familiar despite not knowing him from anything, but he was good vocally. Looks pretty rough for 29, though. That's probably from donning a large beard or the tattoos are on the wrong part of his head, as if there's a right way to do those. He also looks like an even more drugged up Fez from Euphoria, if anyone watches that. Upon checking his Instagram page, he was already practising this song months ago, which was reflected in the performance where Kodi felt like an afterthought. Decent stuff, though. Nicholas Ribs and Sara James go through to the finals, wrapping this up an hour later than necessary. Sara must have some secret fire-breathing talent that she performs during commercial breaks, because the singing is boring as hell and the crowd was going wild before her name was called. The sound of the cheers were too high-pitched to be emboldened men, so it's a mystery why everyone loves her.

For those who said Hayden was terrible (not denying), do you think she was worse than the pageant woman and the Asian woman from previous weeks? I don't think they can be outdone in terms of awful material. The former had no jokes and the latter didn't even have a routine. Nevertheless, they all hold for applause that multiplies to more than they deserve out of pity. You'd think the dead air they spend drumming up sympathy would be better used for more material, which I'm pretty sure is what some of the highest placing comedians on the show did. (rapid fire jokes)

MPLUSPLUS - The main guy said he realized he could fuse technology with choreography, seemingly by his own devices, when he probably meant to say "I watched AGT and saw this shit for the past decade and ripped it off". Like most of these, it looks like every member wrapped themselves in Christmas lights and did a school pageant dance routine. JoJo and Bri - I don't know who this act is supposed to be for; maybe all the gay uncles out there to get inspired to keep busy or pretend intruding on their family members is a career path. I noticed that JoJo had a tattoo of Japanese characters on his arm, which I will guess out of my ass is an attempt to extend an olive branch to race relations by wearing something covered up by sleeves 95% of the time. So many black women are named Chyna, I thought things were always square. Anyway, it was dull and further proof that talks of "stepping it up" never mean anything. Cline Twins - This motivated me to waste my entire childhood getting recruited for the NHL and then fuck around with the puck in front of the referee and 10,000 pissed off fans waiting for me to get on with it. I wonder if these guys even play hockey, because their talent is like someone getting obsessed with pumping air in bike tires before ever sitting on the seat. Regardless, they were one of the better acts of the night. Amanda Mammana - For brevity's sake, I expected her to declare her new name to be "A", but they're making us work to see the end of the episode tonight. The song was really boring. I don't know why so many contestants act like they're going to finally give it their all and then perform a lifeless ballad. Well, at least she looked good. I felt the urge to ask her father for her hand in marriage - not out of traditionalism, but to get an answer promptly. XOMG POP! - Another instance of wondering who this act is for. Men can't go see something like this un-escorted without staff in sunglasses and walkie-talkies staring at them, so there goes a large potential audience. The ages of the girls in the group is weird, since they have a 10/11 year olds and a 15 year old together and the you'd think the latter would want nothing to do with them. Plus, kids probably aren't going to find a pop group too close to their own age to be very cool. The Spice Girls were late teens, early twenties and more believable to be looked up to, even though I never got the appeal. Whatever it was really resonated - either placing adjectives before each of their names or having an entire team of stylists at their disposal and still looking like they just got out of bed. Nicolas Ribs - The jerk mentioned having to compete with a Korean guy and his mind instantly goes to animation. This trick was heavily based on the video (that he probably didn't make) projected to the greenscreen, but it was well executed and similar to Yu Hojin's from last week. A good act makes it hard to write non-sequitur ramblings, though his daughter keeps appearing in the video packages and talking enough to make it sound like she's going to be performing as well. She said something about having the courage to follow her dreams, which is what made me expect her to be on stage until I realized her ultimate dream and role is to be barefoot and pregnant with a low-T man's child. Mia Morris - Hearing her say that she was a pianist-slash-drummer-slash-guitarist made me think she was going to play a 10 minute long Slash guitar solo and use it as rhythm to sing along to. No, I haven't heard music before. Mia said she wanted to use AGT to make her a rockstar, which is "selling out" according to the current gatekeeper of the dead genre, Dave "Dad Music" Grohl. He claims that shows like American Idol dilute the music scene, unlike the '90s where record labels actively threw away millions of dollars signing bands with extremely niche appeal just in case they ever broke out in the future. (and didn't) She was rather out of tune and slightly inaudible vocally, but it would still be nice to see more than two performances in total before deciding that she's hopeless, as I thought it was alright near the end. Another comment about her video package is that she mentioned how being a girl in the industry means she has to prove her skills, which is quite unlike the men who presumably don't have to prove their own talent and probably sign each other to bands by merely rubbing their pricks together in a disease-ridden verbal contract of chauvinism. Hayden Kristal - There were a few attempts made here and there, which is a pathetic achievement when the show has gone this far and every female comedian pretty much gets the instant brand of 'unfunny' like the DMV employee that doesn't even look at a document before stamping it. The Facebook joke was somewhat amusing, though expected, but good enough for me to relay to family members via tribal drums out of paranoia that I'm being wire-tapped for no reason. This was yet another comedian routine where every joke gets minor applause and then the audience loses their collective mind when it concludes, as if just standing there deserves insane recognition. Celia Muñoz - Her face is so lively, I feel physically tired when looking at it too long. Perfectly understandable to think I'm morbidly obese and able to summon fibromyalgia with my mind for saying such a thing, but it's true. These ventriloquist acts are always a pill to sit through unless already a fan of them, and despite the talent required, it was boring to watch her pretend to watch a movie. Observing others being entertained at content away from my periphery is a privilege I reserve solely for Twitch streamers I pay to interact with me and mispronounce my monosyllabic name out of disinterest. I'd prefer if Celia didn't go through, as I'd be talking out the side of my mouth to call it enjoyable. Funkanometry - Good for them to make it from TikTok to the big screen, which going off of current viewing habits, is in all likelihood still a phone. With the boys being one act out of twelve instead of another video to scroll through on the infinite For You page of TikTok, I gave them what i call my full attention - having the TV on with a petite 10 browser tabs open, the turntable blaring, and a comic book in one hand while Morgan Freeman narrated a documentary I couldn't hear. Anyway, they were pretty good but it was clearly living room choreography attempted to be maximized for a larger audience without changing too much. Sara James - Singing 'Rocket Man' gave me a smile at the thought of anything ever leaving the Earth's atmosphere, but this was boring as sin. It seems like the show is trying to give her preferential treatment as if there's some heroic backstory, but they repeatedly display that she travelled from Poland and...that's about all. The judges always make a fuss about her being such an old soul at the age of 14, though she's now in a country full of people that prematurely age themselves from bathing in soda pop, so it's really not that impressive. Worst performance show of the season by far, especially when singers dominated so many slots. It was like having to sit through a school talent show at a school your own kid doesn't even attend.

Tonight was yet another election process where million of dollars are spent despite everyone involved knowing the results long in advance, except the only difference is the lack of AGT fans for me to try running off the road when hallucinating that somebody said something bad about "my guy". Anyway, Sonic lounge - Not much of a lounge when every act has to go in there to eat processed garbage one at a time out of paranoia they'll get sick, which is an irony lost on many. Social media numbers - Of course they have to mention how many views the auditions have, since the majority of the world tunes out when they're over. Fusion Japan mentioned getting 8 million views, which I guess is impressive their whole apartment complex came together to support them. I imagine a lot of the Facebook views come from people over the age of 35, so it might make sense how some previous contestants manage to tour the US due to the audience having a semblance of attention span remaining (my secretary finished this sentence while I nodded off at a gaming livestream) and being able to remember who everyone is later. Jon Dorenbos - He has to remind everyone that he used to play football 20 years ago, which is a pathetic trope of "small town guy can't let go of his youth" until announcing it on a huge stage becomes a selling point. Yes, he played pro football, but I'll assume it was some fluffy lingerie football league to feel masculine. I admit to being intrigued by the name branded jerseys, as I have a treasure trove of autographed apparel in my 'short man-cave' from men who are more athletic, famous and wealthy than I am, and would probably punt my head if politely asking for a photo. Jon's charisma made it seem like the fuck-up with the number 20 was on purpose and he'd segue into that TV informercial-style "but wait, there's more!", yet that was all. "I thought you were going to pick #20", what a mess. I hurled insults at the screen until realizing he's taller than shown on the TV's aspect ratio and submissively tried to tie his shoes on instinct like we're in prison. Anyway, Terry prefaced this performance by saying "we know you like magicians". Not so much after this, most likely. Results: Chapel Hart vs. Pack Drumline - Cue the familiar quote of "there's nobody who looks like us in the ___ industry" despite various examples already existing + everyone who's black being pit against each other, which activated my programming as a lifelong CNN regurgitator. Yu Hojin vs. Aiko Tanaka vs. Pants - Again, the same races being lumped together in the results, as Pants was probably manufactured overseas. Yu looked nervous because he couldn't predict Terry's card, thus outing himself as the fraud I always suspected he was. Nothing much else to say. The results got narrowed down further and the most predictable contestants in Chapel Hart and Yu Hojin got through, but everyone saw the show and doesn't need me imitating Walter Kronkite to recap that. Next week is an onslaught of singers, which makes me hope this show is The Voice so I can turn my chair the other way in defiance.

There's the usual type of bad, like 'this show is a guilty pleasure to hate watch' that feels like camaraderie. And then there's this kind of bad, where you imagine the world slowly becoming colorized upon turning the TV off for good. Despite humor being subjective, why are 3/4 of the comedians every year so terrible? I'd make a note of gender if the men didn't also suck - Mr. Pants shits up the stage so much, I expected a sob story about Crohn's disease. It's not like any of their styles are specifically made for AGT, since doing a set for two minutes would be similar on any other show. Howie must pressure the others to laugh because it's the same awkwardness of showing somebody a video you thought was interesting and their eyes are glazing over, but he's done this for the past decade. Even when someone is tanking, you can still hear Howie doing that fake "oh my goodness" guffaw in the background. I remember Tom Cotter (ten years ago) and Preacher Lawson being good for the most part, that might be it.