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Neet

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Everything posted by Neet

  1. I almost couldn't be bothered to write a post, much to the dismay of nobody. There's real commentary in it for once instead of just acting stupid. John Wines - You're saying that someone who practices an instrument for several decades will become good at it? At least a million other people can play like him, so the only "draw" is him being old. Brynn Cummings - I think "judges" has become one of those words on par with "moist" that I never want to hear again, even more so when said by a puppet. There's a constant insinuation that the TV audience is supposed to think of them as your friends or surrogate parents. The act was better than most like it because of adding a magic trick, so it wasn't just unfunny snark banter, although the actual ventriloquy was kind of weak. Roland Abante - About 20 years ago, America was so up its ass with patriotism that every other country felt like the enemy. People would thank the Coca Cola deliverymen for their service, although that probably still happens. Now, anyone else coming into the US, even illegally, gets a standing ovation. He has a good voice, but it's sickening to see the audience act like they'd pack an arena to watch a random guy singing. Simon used to at least pretend he was looking for marketable talent. Riccardo Pace - In fairness, modern Kelly Clarkson would sound pretty similar to this. Ahren Belisle - Nice to know this guy isn't so impaired as to not obsess over race like everyone else. The first third was good, then it became a list of socially acceptable topics to bitch about, nearly absent of punchlines. Grace Good - Her name sounds like Roland's review of her performance. I can't remember much of it. Alfie Andrew - I thought it was really good the first time, then played it again and could hear how amateurish he sounded. At least he doesn't seem to be an act given massively undue praise just for being a kid. Fake Dad Simon's comment about his clothing was easy to see coming, thankfully nobody really reacted. David Rush - Could he possibly have underset his first record in private to dramatically break it on TV? Probably. A more interesting record to set than fist bumps would be verifying a single instance of germ theory - or most tinfoil hats fashioned in 60 seconds. Alexandr Leshchenko - Didn't Americans used to call people who run away from war cowards? I'd dodge the draft like a teetotaler, don't get me wrong. Anyway, this is another act where someone dancing around a laser tag background is supposed to make you feel the sanctity of life or some other nonsense. A snooze. Herwan Legaillard - What prompts someone to know they're able to swallow a sword? Him doing this during Pride month certainly draws some implications, but it was pretty good. At least he was doing more than just standing in place. Chioma & The Atlanta Drum Academy - AGT must be contractually obligated to always end with a group of black men/boys doing something in unison. The formula of African American + group + from shitty neighborhood must equal Au, though I haven't taken chemistry in a while. They have a lot of energy, but the actual drumming was just alright. I could slot this in for any act, but Terry acting like a spellbound simpleton and feigning a heart attack 20 times a show is getting really irritating. Having watched this show since 2011, I think the fun ended many years ago. It's way too predictable and sanitized, not to retread the judge worship. American Idol is similar, but I somehow can't hate it anywhere near as much. AGT being a variety show should imply higher highs, but almost everything is just okay and thus makes every episode drag on.
  2. I naively thought that the show's initials sounding like "agate" meant we'd be seeing diamonds in the rough tonight, but it was more like unpolished junk. Christopher (Lambros) Garcia - His moves were pretty similar to Kevin from Home Alone dancing in celebration that he has the house to himself aside from the microwave and dishwasher spying on him, which is to say he didn't look very coordinated. Another act with no appeal, and anyone who legitimately shows enjoyment at a little boy dancing should get the side eye. At least competing in this show during summer break will defer his bullying to the next school year. Sainted Trap Choir - Congrats to this group for defying the usual black stereotypes of sassy choirs and obsession with rap music by combining them. They call themselves a trap choir, yet one of the songs they did (Just Wanna Rock) is referred to as "Jersey club" music, which is a blend of hip hop and EDM. Trap beats are known for skittering high hat drums, which that song doesn't have. The guy who did the vocals (Lil Uzi Vert) was also featured in the first song they did, Bad and Boujee, so not respecting my severe nitpicking and ignoring the clear difference between those instrumentals is kind of odd. The last song they did clearly wasn't trap either. I'm annoyed that songs about waving guns around in the park aren't being categorized correctly. Anyway, this was hot garbage. Ramadhani Brothers - If you've ever seen those charity commercials of Africans carrying water jugs on their head for 40 miles, this was the next logical step. Good lil act that was pretty different from the usual strongman routines, and kudos to whoever told them to not each be sporting gigantic afros that cover their eyes. The American diet is so toxic, NBC will probably be spending quite a bit on airfare to rush them out of the country after each performance to maintain their physique, but any more performances like this will be worth the cost. Virginia Stone - I don't believe her 'husband calling' has any right or wrong technique. He can hear her perfectly fine, but he's most likely Snapchatting his teen girlfriend. AvantGardey - The cuteness overload made me want to jump the line to immigrate to Japan to pursue a lifetime of watching cartoons and eating pink KitKat bars, all the while rolling my eyes at seeing an Indian doctor in my hometown. Anyway, it's pretty clear that acting adorable is the crux of the group. Their choreography was "smooth like butter", to quote a song from not-Japan, but I wouldn't say it was anything mind blowing. Putri Ariani - America's borders are so open, blind people can find their way in. That's impressive, and so too was her vocal ability, although this is of course a story first performance. Her first song was an original about being heartbroken, which shows how easy it is for women to date even if they have a disability, but at least the guy in question is probably hideous since she'd never know. She's talented but I will admittedly never seek out her music, unlike the fake "die hard" Kodi Lee fans from years ago that disappeared instantly. Simon gave her the golden buzzer despite her not even knowing what gold is, which brings us all closer to the same level of apathy. Mandy Muden - These drawn out magic tricks are frickin' painful to sit through because they tell you what's going to happen long in advance and then you powerlessly watch it happen, much like the ancient passages that speak of men being forced to eat steaks made of mung beans. (coming to your kitchen soon) The audience laughs at everything so they're not much of a barometer, but I didn't think anything she said was amusing. Half the time, it's like someone being from a country is automatically funny. Zoe Erianna Cuí - Another crappy act that we'll be repeatedly subjected to because the Brit everyone pretends is still a jerk can't say no to anything other than limiting cosmetic procedures. I don't get where the non-imprisoned audience of people who want to watch kids on TV is, this is so boring. When Lady Gaga was popular around 2010-11, there was much concern that she was indoctrinating the children with her lyrics. Now we've come full circle and they're brainwashing everyone in return, much to the applause of my vasectomy-stricken frat brothers. Muhamed Kahrimanovic - For an elderly German guy, he seemed pretty 'with it' to know that Americans will attack anything that contains water. Mitch Rossell - Nice to see a slightly older singer throw his oversized hat in the race, at least in one of the few genres where you don't have to be under 25 to succeed. He's already had a successful career writing for Garth Brooks and other big names that the show will never mention, which would only make sense to keep secret if it was a catalog of racist songs for Garth to perform under the Chris Gaines scapegoat. Despite having so much experience, the song Mitch did here had some very literal lyrics and thus left nothing to the imagination. Ray Wold - It's not every day that we get representatives of both generations responsible for young adults never being able to buy a home. Not much to say. This was one of the few good ones aside from the overly careful knife throwing, but what do you expect. It seems rather obvious that he's trying to become the show's first premature winner of a million dollars by killing his mother for the insurance money.
  3. I seemed to recall saying AGT was bad as an in-joke or something, but tonight's episode was dreadful. Trex Flips - My circle of zealots and I can confirm zero evidence of dinosaurs in the entire past 6000 years, so this costume was farcical at best. As usual, almost any Asian guy is treated like a joke/meme act and even more common, a performer with a low ceiling is let through only to disappoint in later rounds. Philip Bowen - "Oh, fiddle" is what the audience said when seeing a violin player was only the second act in a very long night. I mainly listen to rappers talk about ruining their own cities, so it took a while to notice that this was System of a Down. It's nice to not only have to hear traditional violin music, but this has been done before and has limitations that everyone but the judges will observe soon. Steel Panther - I listen to a lot of music in hopes of impressing people I don't like, but Steel Panther is a new one in my rotation. I remember them as a joke band from over a decade ago, so waiting this long to come on the show makes no sense unless the fans of this genre are dying and need to be replaced. Even though hair metal bands are passe these days, I still discuss poison all the time, though it's regarding my extreme fear of drinking tap water. Anyway, a decent act, but they shouldn't be fooled by a temporarily captive audience that is only pretending to be fans. Three G - Just mentioning their location made the crowd leap to their feet, even though polling the average citizen would show they don't know what's going on over there. (I don't, either) However, due to my proclivity of sending full paychecks to nebulous activism, I would have liked to know what these women looked like in advance to spoil them directly and cut out the middleman, as I also donate to girls online for no benefit, despite them already living better lives than I ever will. Between their name and the trio contorting themselves into the shape of a cell tower, I felt a cyst on my neck growing in real time, but them failing at the same trick multiple times was decently suspenseful for once. A rare time where it a moment didn't feel manufactured. Trigg Watson - Based on his name, I wanted to know what his "angle" was with this until he unveiled the gigantic iPad, which I assure you would have done something to my dopamine receptors if they weren't already fried from infinite scroll. He interacted with the videos much like I do when trying to grope on-screen women like an ape in captivity, and I assume the display was larger than it appeared and partially transparent so the objects looked like they were floating. He was good, but it's so easy to get numb when watching most acts. Kozo - Wow, another Asian guy who only gets screen time for acting like a goof. Japanese crowds are known for being respectful and not making any noise, which will bring an international flavor to local Iam Tongi concerts in the near future when he inevitably fails to deliver. Off topic already. Anyway, this was another pointless waste of time and you know it's bad when something shitty goes on for so long that the judges and crowd pretend that it's good as some kind of *wink moment. D’Corey Johnson - Is D'Corey his real name, or is he another one of those performers who no longer stutters when singing? He has a pretty good voice, to the point where one could serenade their wife with the musical stylings of someone a fraction of their age and ignore the emasculation. Still, singers on here are almost always dull, not helped by still being in recovery from the most recent season of American Idol. Shadow Ace - I've hired a few virtual assistants from the Philippines and it's surprisingly common for them to act like this guy. This was pretty much a shrunken down version of any silhouette dancer on here that uses interpretive dance to convince you that life is worth living or other pretentious themes, but at least this was rather absent of it. You know you're down bad when getting aroused at a shadow puppet on a pole, but she was livelier than most of the other girls you'd see on a Tuesday night. Orlando Leyba - A comedian on AGT without having some sort of ailment was so confusing, I almost broke my own back to maintain some kind of status quo. This was until seeing that he had a mental handicap of terrible material. I didn't smile once and would say he's getting most of his laughs from charisma instead of what he's saying. Unless, God forbid, I am not the arbiter of humor and people can like different things. Mzansi Youth Choir - Does anywhere in the entire continent have agriculture and energy sectors, or are choirs their main export? They said they're from "beautiful South Africa", but are likely already trying to set down permanent roots in the US without question. I screamed in persecution when the choir suggested they had been carjacked by the usual scapegoat of black men, despite this taking place in Africa. They're "good", but I was tuned out after such a bad show and can't pretend to care. Howie had an expression of shock and awe on his face that can only come from watching hundreds of people who can sing in his more than ten years on the show. The choir receives the new 'audience golden buzzer' because the paid plants in the first ten rows deserve a voice, too. This show was effing painful. There's something about the auditions that are particularly bad.
  4. The Mayyas made just enough to cover their phone bills for the inevitable group chat filled with bitching about how non-lucrative the show ended up being. Anyway, they deserved to win. Post-AGT success is hard to gauge, although Vegas is one of the only outlets for such an act. The unfairness of being women in show business has me worry about how precarious the group's longevity is, notably in the likely event that all 36 girls fall pregnant at the exact same time. ☹️ I don't know why Kristy went back to the "pole" when voting was closed, but her getting second place was a shock. Watching and writing about this show is exhausting, so here's hoping Simon insists on riding his bike to the next set of auditions for another 6 month delay.
  5. Kristy Sellars - It was in poor taste to have such a seedy performance open the show at barely 8 PM, and even more so for Kristy to dedicate this to her daughter's teenage years, which will hopefully be less traumatic than her mother's. I act like the moral police until a stripper is twerking against my nostrils, then it's just a bit of harmless fun. Anyway, this was another one of those acts (like every LED dancing group) that has the same pretentious "messages" like 'follow ur dreams' and other such lessons you can learn from a children's cartoon. Ironically, her act is reliant on animation, too. Like a circumsized man, I felt nothing here. Nicolas Ribs - The old bat over at MJ's Big Blog (where I paste everyone's name from) loves to spell his last name in all caps for some reason, though I guess it's helpful to emphasize to all Americans that bones really do lie underneath their blobs of a stomach. Nicolas continues to rely on his magic whiteboard and this was pretty much the same as last time, so it was just alright. I sense he doesn't think he did very well, considering how Nick had to give himself his own flowers mid-performance. Chapel Hart - It's refreshing to have some patriotism displayed without the need for a superpower to first lie to its people. Being prideful about where you're from and not what identity you are despite the new terms likely not existing a year ago feels like a bygone era. The vocals were pretty awful, not helped by the tears at the end. If Dolly Parton were going to make an appearance in the next 24 hours, she's probably cancelling those plans. Mike E. Winfield - Most of his jokes were good, aside from that one at the end where he said his newborn baby came from the mall or something, since I don't know what he meant. He'd benefit from much longer sets, so here's praying the collective attention span lasts long enough for Mike to be filmed doing something else. "Laughter is the best medicine" says the country that eats Vicodin by the handful, so he's quite unlikely to win. Metaphysic - Unsurprisingly, there needed to be great distance put between their performance and the other Elvis impersonator. I'm sure the real one would've agreed to be there if not for the audience's confusion about where he's been for 50 years. (aside from under their noses) Just having a medley of Elvis songs for two minutes had my hand twitching and ready to open 40 new internet tabs out of boredom, so it makes sense to add some other faces into it. Still, the Simon face has been played out too much and Sofia/Heidi added nothing, proving that women are still unfunny even when men are in charge. Mayyas - For how much they complain about being under the cruel thumb of their country, several of the girls have septum piercings and tattoos, so it's bemusing that the desire to wreck one's appearance knows no cultural boundary. I watched this a second time and confirmed my original boredom. Not sure what to say; they're good, yet I don't feel entertained at all. Avery Dixon - Doing the song "Ain't Nobody" with those double negatives makes it hard to know if he has self esteem or not. His journey has been so linked to the story of getting bullied, he'd have been better off if tonight's show had a whodunit mystery of Avery getting pushed down the stairs by a random assailant and then coming out to perform while fully bandaged for maximum sympathy. It was alright, but I can't see him placing very high. Celia Munoz - Her summoning a ghost looked a lot like black magic, to the point where I thought Mervant would start rapping along. She has a few backbones of her act: the phone call voice, eating/drinking while throwing her voice, and opera singing. Any story or premise is a background for those things to be done, and I thought this one was pretty convoluted. She ended up making it work, though. Sara James - She just had fried chicken for the first time and loved it, so this is a soft warning that when she becomes fully Americanized and balloons to 300 pounds, it really needs to be all about her voice. Hearing the name Kate Bush already confirmed this song was from the '80s, unlike the more modern name of Kate Landing Strip. Anyway, her style of performance reminded me of Billie Eilish, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Song choice was still well done, which, go figure that an enjoyable song will be pleasant to hear be covered. Yu Hojin - Just like Nicolas, he's unable to step away from his magic table. His table is so gimmicked, it makes sense for him to dedicate the performance to British Simon, who wouldn't question why somebody is completely enshrouded in darkness during summer. He was better than Nicolas tonight, and the Statue of Liberty ending was a nice touch. Drake Milligan - I was a little confused seeing "DRAKE" on the LED panel for so long while none of the performance included rapping about impregnating strippers in a fake Jamaican accent. He couldn't be bothered to play a new song, probably because the record label he's transparent about getting backed by wants him to promote the single. Kudos for having a lyric about getting drunk while a video of cars on the road plays, though it wasn't very realistic considering the driver wasn't going 300 mph through a school zone. Upon a second play, the song was decent and I'll have to give Drake's album a try to extend my conscious thoughts about him for another half day after the show concludes. "Never watch AGT again? Sounds like something I'd do! 🎵"
  6. Terry and the judges gush about how this season is the best ever, despite 75% of each week's acts serving as fodder like always. Obviously, one of them saying something like "actually, nothing can top Darci Lynne" would result in an awkward silence and pointless show, so the fakery has to be done. & Juliet - I guess Romeo's name was omitted because he refused to kill himself for any actress over the age of 13, so that monkey wrench resulted in an aimless karaoke routine instead. Perhaps Juliet still ends up poisoned at the end of this musical, although the whole audience of Americans follows a western diet and inoculates themselves to the gills over things I confidently declare don't exist until asked for proof, so it wouldn't be as dramatic of a scene today. It was a pretty standard performance IMO, I really don't understand why so many of these results show acts get praised so much. Simon's joy of seeing them earlier must have at least partially been from shock and awe of the Londoners making it inside the building without getting shivved. Celia Munoz is voted in as the wildcard, which is unsurprising because comedians are possibly the most shafted niche on AGT. Who could blame the voters when most comedians are awful. Celia's lips were clearly moving during her excitement, giving the ruse away despite not holding a puppet or performing, so congrats to everyone who put her through. 🙄
  7. Yeah, that was quite distracting. Either the puppet has restless leg syndrome or the guy was trying to get some final attention before being cast off, which given how quickly the audience moves on, I can't blame him. I don't know what a professional ventriloquist's career could look like if not getting a Vegas show, since the traditional route of TV fame is dead and short form content like TikTok is worthless in terms of audience loyalty. (since people swipe at a hundred or more videos a day with no attachment to anybody)
  8. Riverdance - Their name had me gripping my rosary beads in anger at the idea of anyone else walking on water, as I claim various faiths only when wanting to look down on others. I don't get the wild reaction for this, it seemed to be a simple routine that gets perceived as impressive because many people are doing it. 'Clogging' the airwaves, but it was over within 90 seconds. Piff The Magic Dragon - I figured the dog was taking a while to solve the Rubik's cube because his "brain food" was chicken instead of the ground up mealworms and Tofurky we'll all be forced to eat soon, but the reveal of the actual trick was a nice surprise for once. The attention whoring woman mugging for camera time added nothing to this. Results: Mike Winfield making it through was a nice surprise on a show that requires fellating the judges to get any praise. The taller member of Metaphysic has a default expression of "it's in the bag for us", unless I'm, like him, also projecting. I've got nothing, this show was incredibly uneventful compared to the usual void every results show is. Next week looks tolerable, dare I say.
  9. Bayley Graham - His charisma saved the performance from being boring, which is usually what sinks a ton of acts that come out like "I will be doing the thing now" in a hushed deadpan voice. The dancing on the stairs reminded me of my happiness when the check for my fake back injury clears against all odds. Ed Sheeran's "Shape Of You" was playing in the background, which given the American-sized audience, makes sense that it was penned in his native England and may not translate abroad. At one point, Bayley summoned clones of himself to dance alongside and it got a big reaction. I don't know why, given the accidental sighting of Howie A and Howie B at the judge's table multiple times and "Terry" leaking motor oil into his suit. Solid opener. Acapop! - They would really benefit from a full band, though any producer saying he wants to 'make music' with the kids will land himself in a jail cell. There's a painful dichotomy between hating rearranged covers of popular songs and the usually grating original songs, which this was. Howie buzzed them right around the time it was feeling like an endless performance. I don't get why they seem to lean into their age as part of the gimmick so much after saying they want to be doing this for a long time, when some of them don't even look that young. (it's the audience who ages in real time while watching) Jannick Holste - So by doing magic tricks, he's openly supporting the conversion of one thing into a more acceptable thing that the audience cheers at? It's 2022, I thought we were past this. Anyway, it was better than expected due to the high energy, even though a lot of the tricks seemed to be yanking a sheet off of an object/person. It's probably worth watching again to fully know what I gave partial attention to the first time. Lee Collinson - A rare time where a singer on here sings with real passion, which I can only assume is directed to an online girlfriend separated by several oceans and the Swiss Alps and probably resides in an Indian call center. His voice was pretty good, though he's just like James Arthur, JP Saxe, or any of those inoffensive guys who have six months in the sun. (and they're all British, so that's pretty damn long for them) Jack Williams - The crowd was more accepting of a grown man's stuffed toy collection than expected, but this was pretty lame. Ventriloquists have a hell of a time coming up with any material beyond arguing with the puppet, who is always the same sarcastic and rude archetype. I was hoping that he'd make an allusion to all figureheads being puppets, singling out the one who I mistakenly believe has my interests in mind and somehow isn't bought and paid for. Anyway, I don't think there were any jokes to be found here. Metaphysic - Given that my collection of deepfake material requires its own server room, let's just say that opening a video of Charli D'Amelio that ends up being her singing opera would be gravely disappointing. These guys said they were going to step it up with something big and yet repeated the first act of Simon singing while adding two other replacement father figures beside him. This whole gimmick is basically boring opera singing wrapped in a different package and gets progressively less funny as it goes on, much like a timelapse of any young women I ingratiate myself to in hopes of affection. The Lazy Generation - Suiting their name, I had to give applause that they were not so lazy as to not even show up. The premise of their act has some potential, but the execution tonight was terrible. So much pointless setup and nut shots, which given the ~30% trans population today, I can only assume hurt them. Almost everything but the last stunt was an injury that would be only mildly painful, like stubbing your toe, so it was Three Stooges-tier pain without the cohesion. The cactus spot was better, but only half of the men took it and there was so much time flexing and preening upon getting up that it ended rather abruptly. Merissa Beddows - How on (flat) Earth is she 23-24 years old? She looks at least a decade older, though it would be the sexiest case of progeria I've ever seen. Anyway, the cube from her last performance was an unnecessary gimmick, but you'd think she would at least have the names of who she's impersonating on screen in case the teenagers watching at home can't instantly conjure up a memory of Cher's voice. Granted, she will live forever due to being so full of cosmetic injections that she'll be unable to decompose. Merissa has a good voice, but the performance was quite unstructured. Harper - Another obvious setup like the Parmesan guy where she was going to "switch things up" for a few moments before going into the rehash. Practically speaking the verses confirmed her lack of singing talent, since the growling doesn't actually require any unless doing this music for real and not just spectacle. It did make me want to really channel my anger the next time I throw a tantrum over a toy on the crest of my 30th birthday, but I have no real praise. Mike E. Winfield - The theme of tonight's show seems to be how confidence can really elevate mediocrity, as half of the jokes weren't that good. However, the ones that hit were pretty funny and his charisma sold them. It's quite a difference between Mike and the other comedians who try to deliver relatable material like they're taking a survey. Hopefully he makes it through so a single comedian is placed among the dozen singers and magicians in the finals. Lily Meola - I'm suspicious of any woman who tells a story about butterflies and doesn't have a full sized back tattoo to commemorate said creature. Holy, this was a dull way to close the show, and further proof that it's all about tragic personal lives. She did another original song at the auditions and it was also pretty tiresome. Not a good sign when she was previously signed to a record label. I was trying to listen to the lyrics, but it became difficult when all of my extra screens turned on via boredom sensor and I was suddenly watching TikTok, studying for the bar exam, online gaming, and learning to make tiramisu from Jamie Oliver. She'll make it through, regardless.
  10. I was going to say that Teddy's virality is probably similar to Jelly Roll, as they're both covered in face tattoos (and Roll is obese), so everyone's shocked that they can sing. Post Malone waited to get famous before ruining his appearance, which is slightly commendable. There are plenty of rap ""artists"" with face tattoos, but since they do nothing but grunt and bark their own name alongside expletives, anyone with talent who looks this way is even further enhanced.
  11. Most of the acts that were eliminated didn't have a chance in h-e-double hockey sticks (hello, Cline Twins) to go through, and everyone knew this, so it's a hypnotic kind of magnetism that draws people into sitting through a whole results show to be confirmed of their own suspicions. In contrast, it takes a succinct minute or two of watching the news to be up to date in how all citizens should hate each other and things I've never thought about are getting worse. Kodi Lee, Teddy Swims, and Neal Schon - I was daydreaming of how to impress Kodi's mother, who somehow hasn't become geriatric from stress after all this time. It probably takes zero game, since she's quite responsive to men making random noises and rolling their eyes into the back of their head. That's it, the gym membership is cancelled. Teddy Swims is one of those names that sounds familiar despite not knowing him from anything, but he was good vocally. Looks pretty rough for 29, though. That's probably from donning a large beard or the tattoos are on the wrong part of his head, as if there's a right way to do those. He also looks like an even more drugged up Fez from Euphoria, if anyone watches that. Upon checking his Instagram page, he was already practising this song months ago, which was reflected in the performance where Kodi felt like an afterthought. Decent stuff, though. Nicholas Ribs and Sara James go through to the finals, wrapping this up an hour later than necessary. Sara must have some secret fire-breathing talent that she performs during commercial breaks, because the singing is boring as hell and the crowd was going wild before her name was called. The sound of the cheers were too high-pitched to be emboldened men, so it's a mystery why everyone loves her.
  12. For those who said Hayden was terrible (not denying), do you think she was worse than the pageant woman and the Asian woman from previous weeks? I don't think they can be outdone in terms of awful material. The former had no jokes and the latter didn't even have a routine. Nevertheless, they all hold for applause that multiplies to more than they deserve out of pity. You'd think the dead air they spend drumming up sympathy would be better used for more material, which I'm pretty sure is what some of the highest placing comedians on the show did. (rapid fire jokes)
  13. MPLUSPLUS - The main guy said he realized he could fuse technology with choreography, seemingly by his own devices, when he probably meant to say "I watched AGT and saw this shit for the past decade and ripped it off". Like most of these, it looks like every member wrapped themselves in Christmas lights and did a school pageant dance routine. JoJo and Bri - I don't know who this act is supposed to be for; maybe all the gay uncles out there to get inspired to keep busy or pretend intruding on their family members is a career path. I noticed that JoJo had a tattoo of Japanese characters on his arm, which I will guess out of my ass is an attempt to extend an olive branch to race relations by wearing something covered up by sleeves 95% of the time. So many black women are named Chyna, I thought things were always square. Anyway, it was dull and further proof that talks of "stepping it up" never mean anything. Cline Twins - This motivated me to waste my entire childhood getting recruited for the NHL and then fuck around with the puck in front of the referee and 10,000 pissed off fans waiting for me to get on with it. I wonder if these guys even play hockey, because their talent is like someone getting obsessed with pumping air in bike tires before ever sitting on the seat. Regardless, they were one of the better acts of the night. Amanda Mammana - For brevity's sake, I expected her to declare her new name to be "A", but they're making us work to see the end of the episode tonight. The song was really boring. I don't know why so many contestants act like they're going to finally give it their all and then perform a lifeless ballad. Well, at least she looked good. I felt the urge to ask her father for her hand in marriage - not out of traditionalism, but to get an answer promptly. XOMG POP! - Another instance of wondering who this act is for. Men can't go see something like this un-escorted without staff in sunglasses and walkie-talkies staring at them, so there goes a large potential audience. The ages of the girls in the group is weird, since they have a 10/11 year olds and a 15 year old together and the you'd think the latter would want nothing to do with them. Plus, kids probably aren't going to find a pop group too close to their own age to be very cool. The Spice Girls were late teens, early twenties and more believable to be looked up to, even though I never got the appeal. Whatever it was really resonated - either placing adjectives before each of their names or having an entire team of stylists at their disposal and still looking like they just got out of bed. Nicolas Ribs - The jerk mentioned having to compete with a Korean guy and his mind instantly goes to animation. This trick was heavily based on the video (that he probably didn't make) projected to the greenscreen, but it was well executed and similar to Yu Hojin's from last week. A good act makes it hard to write non-sequitur ramblings, though his daughter keeps appearing in the video packages and talking enough to make it sound like she's going to be performing as well. She said something about having the courage to follow her dreams, which is what made me expect her to be on stage until I realized her ultimate dream and role is to be barefoot and pregnant with a low-T man's child. Mia Morris - Hearing her say that she was a pianist-slash-drummer-slash-guitarist made me think she was going to play a 10 minute long Slash guitar solo and use it as rhythm to sing along to. No, I haven't heard music before. Mia said she wanted to use AGT to make her a rockstar, which is "selling out" according to the current gatekeeper of the dead genre, Dave "Dad Music" Grohl. He claims that shows like American Idol dilute the music scene, unlike the '90s where record labels actively threw away millions of dollars signing bands with extremely niche appeal just in case they ever broke out in the future. (and didn't) She was rather out of tune and slightly inaudible vocally, but it would still be nice to see more than two performances in total before deciding that she's hopeless, as I thought it was alright near the end. Another comment about her video package is that she mentioned how being a girl in the industry means she has to prove her skills, which is quite unlike the men who presumably don't have to prove their own talent and probably sign each other to bands by merely rubbing their pricks together in a disease-ridden verbal contract of chauvinism. Hayden Kristal - There were a few attempts made here and there, which is a pathetic achievement when the show has gone this far and every female comedian pretty much gets the instant brand of 'unfunny' like the DMV employee that doesn't even look at a document before stamping it. The Facebook joke was somewhat amusing, though expected, but good enough for me to relay to family members via tribal drums out of paranoia that I'm being wire-tapped for no reason. This was yet another comedian routine where every joke gets minor applause and then the audience loses their collective mind when it concludes, as if just standing there deserves insane recognition. Celia Muñoz - Her face is so lively, I feel physically tired when looking at it too long. Perfectly understandable to think I'm morbidly obese and able to summon fibromyalgia with my mind for saying such a thing, but it's true. These ventriloquist acts are always a pill to sit through unless already a fan of them, and despite the talent required, it was boring to watch her pretend to watch a movie. Observing others being entertained at content away from my periphery is a privilege I reserve solely for Twitch streamers I pay to interact with me and mispronounce my monosyllabic name out of disinterest. I'd prefer if Celia didn't go through, as I'd be talking out the side of my mouth to call it enjoyable. Funkanometry - Good for them to make it from TikTok to the big screen, which going off of current viewing habits, is in all likelihood still a phone. With the boys being one act out of twelve instead of another video to scroll through on the infinite For You page of TikTok, I gave them what i call my full attention - having the TV on with a petite 10 browser tabs open, the turntable blaring, and a comic book in one hand while Morgan Freeman narrated a documentary I couldn't hear. Anyway, they were pretty good but it was clearly living room choreography attempted to be maximized for a larger audience without changing too much. Sara James - Singing 'Rocket Man' gave me a smile at the thought of anything ever leaving the Earth's atmosphere, but this was boring as sin. It seems like the show is trying to give her preferential treatment as if there's some heroic backstory, but they repeatedly display that she travelled from Poland and...that's about all. The judges always make a fuss about her being such an old soul at the age of 14, though she's now in a country full of people that prematurely age themselves from bathing in soda pop, so it's really not that impressive. Worst performance show of the season by far, especially when singers dominated so many slots. It was like having to sit through a school talent show at a school your own kid doesn't even attend.
  14. Tonight was yet another election process where million of dollars are spent despite everyone involved knowing the results long in advance, except the only difference is the lack of AGT fans for me to try running off the road when hallucinating that somebody said something bad about "my guy". Anyway, Sonic lounge - Not much of a lounge when every act has to go in there to eat processed garbage one at a time out of paranoia they'll get sick, which is an irony lost on many. Social media numbers - Of course they have to mention how many views the auditions have, since the majority of the world tunes out when they're over. Fusion Japan mentioned getting 8 million views, which I guess is impressive their whole apartment complex came together to support them. I imagine a lot of the Facebook views come from people over the age of 35, so it might make sense how some previous contestants manage to tour the US due to the audience having a semblance of attention span remaining (my secretary finished this sentence while I nodded off at a gaming livestream) and being able to remember who everyone is later. Jon Dorenbos - He has to remind everyone that he used to play football 20 years ago, which is a pathetic trope of "small town guy can't let go of his youth" until announcing it on a huge stage becomes a selling point. Yes, he played pro football, but I'll assume it was some fluffy lingerie football league to feel masculine. I admit to being intrigued by the name branded jerseys, as I have a treasure trove of autographed apparel in my 'short man-cave' from men who are more athletic, famous and wealthy than I am, and would probably punt my head if politely asking for a photo. Jon's charisma made it seem like the fuck-up with the number 20 was on purpose and he'd segue into that TV informercial-style "but wait, there's more!", yet that was all. "I thought you were going to pick #20", what a mess. I hurled insults at the screen until realizing he's taller than shown on the TV's aspect ratio and submissively tried to tie his shoes on instinct like we're in prison. Anyway, Terry prefaced this performance by saying "we know you like magicians". Not so much after this, most likely. Results: Chapel Hart vs. Pack Drumline - Cue the familiar quote of "there's nobody who looks like us in the ___ industry" despite various examples already existing + everyone who's black being pit against each other, which activated my programming as a lifelong CNN regurgitator. Yu Hojin vs. Aiko Tanaka vs. Pants - Again, the same races being lumped together in the results, as Pants was probably manufactured overseas. Yu looked nervous because he couldn't predict Terry's card, thus outing himself as the fraud I always suspected he was. Nothing much else to say. The results got narrowed down further and the most predictable contestants in Chapel Hart and Yu Hojin got through, but everyone saw the show and doesn't need me imitating Walter Kronkite to recap that. Next week is an onslaught of singers, which makes me hope this show is The Voice so I can turn my chair the other way in defiance.
  15. There's the usual type of bad, like 'this show is a guilty pleasure to hate watch' that feels like camaraderie. And then there's this kind of bad, where you imagine the world slowly becoming colorized upon turning the TV off for good. Despite humor being subjective, why are 3/4 of the comedians every year so terrible? I'd make a note of gender if the men didn't also suck - Mr. Pants shits up the stage so much, I expected a sob story about Crohn's disease. It's not like any of their styles are specifically made for AGT, since doing a set for two minutes would be similar on any other show. Howie must pressure the others to laugh because it's the same awkwardness of showing somebody a video you thought was interesting and their eyes are glazing over, but he's done this for the past decade. Even when someone is tanking, you can still hear Howie doing that fake "oh my goodness" guffaw in the background. I remember Tom Cotter (ten years ago) and Preacher Lawson being good for the most part, that might be it.
  16. The entire show was painful, and probably the worst of the season. I can barely even relate the acts to my own imaginary stupidity, that's how bad it was. The Pack Drumline - Another group of supposedly homeless guys who are athletic and ripped, in addition to being in no hurry to try auditioning years ago. They beat a drum to the song 'Astronaut in the Ocean', which is probably the most unabashedly upbeat song about the Challenger shuttle to be recorded. When they started pounding on the drums, I leapt up from bed thinking my alarm had gone off, but it wasn't 6 PM on a weekday. At one point, they put blindfolds on and continued drumming, but that's not really impressive if the kit is right in front of them. The Brown Brothers - They presumably survived naval combat for being too awkward to come out of hiding and greet their guests on the other side of the turf, so being autistic isn't all bad. Being able to connect with the audience at all makes me believe they're faking, as I expected this to be a musical routine of them staring at the floor and stammering. Transferring into showing recordings of previous voices helped the act not get as stale, but nobody's even going to know what Mickey Mouse and all these other Disney characters sound like in a few years because they're nonexistent outside of the parks. Once legacy media dies for good, the brothers are going to have a hell of a time finding something to imitate besides TikTokers who don't even speak. Mr. Pants - I could barely pay attention to his routine but still felt like batting an eyelid. (his) Another smarmy douche who didn't deserve to make it through the first time. The crowd hardly seems split - I realized the pants pun after typing that - because they're booing and making other sounds of disappointment until rallying together in that annoying "give him a chance" type of applause we get several times per season. The sympathy usually comes in a round far past the auditions, so you'd think the trash has been weeded out, but it never is. Freckled Zelda - "I'm sorry, but the princess you're looking for is in another castle". That's a Super Mario quote, but I'll hope anyone who reads this thinks that every video game character interacts in the same universe without giving a damn about intellectual property. By that, I mean Link would be hard pressed to feign interest in this Zelda either. She sung "The Neverending Story", which made me book a week off work to see the end of it, since I take everything literally. It was extremely boring, as expected. Having a fried attention span may make everything seem boring, but I can assure you that this was the least engaging video out of the 20 simultaneous screens I had open at the time. Aiko Tanaka - Mercy, this was awful. Her voice is extremely annoying to listen to and amplifies the lack of reception for any joke. Most of what she said was barely a joke, it was just talking. Women seem to love going for the 'relatable' factor, which includes listing various things and no punchlines. Howie kept looking at the other judges to affirm that this is what comedy is and they need to laugh, though that repetition never works, as attested by going through science class 5 days a week in school and never changing my beliefs to this day. Chapel Hart - Like Dolly Parton, I was hoping they'd go tits up long ago. They're quite similar to Drake Milligan in how the show is just a media tour before getting back to business. At least the song was original, but I still pay more attention to the shaved member and wonder why she doesn't grow any hair. (such a burning question) The main woman's voice sounds like a female steroid addict in a cartoon, which is clearly not the case. I can only comment on 6 acts, the show was too bad. The magician was good, I just have no commentary. Despite being without Veranica and her Amazing Friends, it's incredible how much this episode was dog shit.
  17. That's interesting, and I don't doubt he put in a lot of work to get where he is. AGT just has a way of pushing a few select contestants down the audience's throat every year, so it's easy to think they don't have to struggle much, even when not the case. The 'silver platter' comment was facetious, by the way.
  18. Tonight was the first show with voting results, but it just doesn't feel like a real electoral process without wrestling my neighbor on the front lawn over our respective programmed beliefs. It's tough to see so many people go because you wish they could all get a million dollars, although that will soon be minimum wage post-hyperinflation. The credits still mention how the payment can be made over a 40 year annuity, which doesn't make that sound too farfetched anymore. - Because there are only two acts to put through, they had to waste infinite time making a pseudo top five and have everybody praise the Almighty until being eliminated 20 minutes later. - Due to not watching AGT last season (and feeling years younger for it), Dustin Tavella looked like a random bum auditioning for the first time. It was still easy to see how he was a magician, due to his hat that served no purpose at all managing to levitate on his head. When he wrote the word 'magic' and stylized it like an Xb0x G@m3rt@g, the reveal was way too easy to see coming. The most impressive trick of all would be from a magician who can do a routine without forcing the theme to be about 'chasing ur dreams' and other hokey crap that has nothing to do with the performance. Sarah Hyland came out to help with the trick and received a massive applause, presumably solely because she looked decent 10 years ago, since she was quite annoying blithering on about nothing like an old hairdresser at the salon. Dustin ended the trick by holding a laser pointer in his fist and pretending to throw the light into the audience, as if they held their phones up in unison at random instead of him literally instructing them to do so 30 seconds earlier. A jilted contestant could rush the stage and lunge at Terry, prompting the same thousand phones to be hoisted in the air to film without being asked, so it was a pointless conclusion. Results: - Avery is obviously being presented as the golden boy despite clearly being black, so good on them for not seeing color. He's probably going to win the show, with the entire two weeks we're given to become enchanted by him. For how much they complain about his bullying, millions of people are pushing him and he's suspiciously silent about that. - Drake is already becoming a pain in the ass because he's seemingly on the show as a quick media tour to promote everything he already has going on. I'll assume his whole life has been opportunities on a silver platter without evidence to justify my cattiness. - Great idea to put all of the solo acts to the right side of the stage through to the next round and have the groups filled with 30 pissed off men required to walk past them. Two musical acts being put through was disappointing but very typical. Somehow, next week looks much worse.
  19. Amoukanama - Their video package mentioned how bad Africa was, which made me wonder if the decades of propaganda about the country's poverty was to dissuade anybody from wanting to visit what is actually a private utopia. "We hail from the land of roller coasters and movie theaters" was hard to interpret from the thick accents. I was getting into this one until having a paranoid thought of the executives making them shuck and jive for our entertainment, and I became enraged since I celebrate Black History Month six months early. After a while, it felt like the act didn't have a whole lot of cohesion to it and became a bunch of disconnected stunts. Still decent, but you know. Amazing Veranica & Her Incredible Friends - A friend told me to expect raw dogging on the show tonight, which made me report him to the police without context before realizing he was talking about the live, unedited nature of the dog's performance. That's why there's a lot of second hand embarrassment watching these pet acts, since they're only compliant when they feel like it and probably only do things for treats due to not knowing what's happening. At least there were no obvious screw-ups, but it was similar to the last act where the tricks didn't flow together very well. There was a quick-change routine here, but it's hard to be amazed at the speed or even quantify it when nobody has ever seen a dog put on clothing voluntarily. Ava Swiss - I heard she mentions the shooting in her video intro, but I haven't seen the full clip. 😉 Great example of a contestant who relies on a story, as the performance was rather nondescript. I have nothing. Seems like putting 'Swiss' before 'Parmesan' was deliberate. If Howie pointed it out, I skipped all commentary and didn't hear him say anything, so we can share the credit for the half-hearted "heh" response it deserves. Ben Lapidus - His first song actually sounded decent, so it was disappointing but not unexpected for him to rehash the same Parmesan song as before. Just like the first time, it only became funny during the last 30 seconds when thinking about how ridiculous it is. I can at least see Ben's logic for screaming about one's desperation for animal-derived foods when we're all mandated to eat mung beans fried in tempeh in name of the environment in a few years. Lace Larrabee - She only got one X tonight, and since women have two X chromosomes, I was confused about her gender until being left with a thousand yard stare during the performance cleared it right up. It's a somewhat common sentiment to say that beauty queens eventually have to gain a personality when their looks begin to fade, but after seeing tonight's display, I'd hope that the founders of Juviderm are working on something even more potent. Howie said that the issue may have been Lace's material not being relatable to men, although I don't think it's a requirement for something to be funny. Using absurdity/exaggeration of things people aren't familiar with is still amusing - and getting scientific about this feels like extra gushing about the engineer, who was actually good. Drake Milligan - The Elvis impersonating must be in his blood because it still sounds like Drake is channelling him despite repeatedly doing original material. Not a good thing when the original is likely still alive, to cite my lifelong ability to sense all news being a lie without having evidence to say so. Drake sounds and looks a lot like Laine Hardy, and to refresh anybody's memory, he's the American Idol winner who took 2.5 years to release a debut album. Some of the songs on it were actually good, but Drake can probably take it farther since he has a modicum of work ethic and is apparently putting out an album the day after AGT ends. Laine's entire discography revolves around how much he loves living in a town of 50 people in Louisiana, but his stay in California still penned the tune 'The Other LA' where he continues to gush about walking 20 miles to a corner store with a gasoline canister of water on his head, so branching out probably isn't in the cards. Drake's song from tonight was pretty solid, even though any comment like "that could be played on country radio today!" is rather irrelevant when the genre's sound has barely changed in 40 years. Oleksandr Yenivatov - He admits that Simon erased the X from his audition because 'Ukraine'. Despite his flexibility, running away from the first sign of harm turned out to be his greatest athletic feat. I'd do it too, although I thought men under 60 or some certain age were forced to stay there. Anyway, there was an audible and awkward silence for most of the performance, as if the X's were going to be hit in rapid succession. It's most impressive how unlikely he is to get muscle and joint injuries in the country where a sprained thumb calls for remortgaging your house (the one you didn't own in the first place) to pay the bill. This was pretty boring. Players Choir - They were a lot worse tonight than the first time, and it was an odd song choice because nobody's singing abilities were highlighted that much. Confetti falling down from the ceiling was confusing since this isn't the finale, but I suppose the stage tech wasn't going to tell a group of tall and strong men who could kick his ass that they didn't just win the show. Stefanny and Yeeremy - Throughout the performance, it seemed like the woman was doing all the work, which is a common utterance when American men average at 300 pounds. Looking at better looking men than myself dancing with a girl I fancy is usually exclusive to scrolling on Instagram, so this was proof that old media isn't dead yet. Despite the skill required, this was quite dull. Don McMillan - Mentioning the differences between men and women is liable to get you thrown in a cell these days, but what a night and day comparison to Lace's set. He relies on a gimmick and visual aids, but that's not necessarily a crutch when his commentary is good. Nothing to say, he was really entertaining. Avery Dixon - Terry introduced him by announcing "he's been bullied!", which further proves that every act has to fit into a tear-jerking stereotype first and actually be able to do anything second. He's pretty talented, but you have to wonder how marketable saxophone playing is for the mainstream when the tempo makes it impossible to fit in lyrics about toting glocks and other things I find cool as long as everyone involved lives 5000 miles away from me. I didn't even know he was doing a Stevie Wonder song, since my ignorance made me assume that most saxophone pieces are improvisational unless noted otherwise. Perhaps Stevie will record a video for tomorrow's results show wishing Avery luck, and his admittance of having watched the performance will confirm that he's likely been able to see for decades.
  20. Emily Bland - Once I heard that bassy voice, I was thrilled to hear the crowd cheering for our shared 'persuasion' until the man walked out and made me feel a fool for being attracted to a real woman. Jokes aside, this was the first sign that tonight's show was really scraping the barrel for something to fill the time. I naively thought that last week was the last audition show, but fast forwarding as much as possible must have omitted that detail. She pivoted to doing improvisational lip syncing, which is a water cooler trick at best. Mind2Mind - It must be law that every mentalist act needs to be hosted by an expressionless man and his assistant-wife who looks and sounds Russian no matter her real ethnicity. As per usual, we're supposed to simply take the paid-off judge at their word that the trick is real and wasn't rehearsed ten minutes prior. When convinced that the microwave doubles as a hard drive for my deepest secrets, these acts fail to impress. And this one was worse than usual, which really says something when the supposed time limit goes out the window for this genre. Aubrey Burchell - She's autistic and had to bring it up, even though she's clearly functional enough to barely be affected by it. (and a woman, so double that) Also kind of odd that her neurodivergence comes through by looking like any girl you'd find with one swipe on TikTok. I know autistic people aren't good at social cues and I could relate to them during this performance due to staring at my feet throughout. Simon was grinning ear to ear, pretending he won't disavow signing her the moment the cameras are off. The Lads - "Now that's how you support a 30 year old man", I said to my feeble father who was watching this while ironing my shirts after a 12 hour shift. For how many of these body balancing groups this show has, they were one of the better ones. At least walking around with the teammate in a one-arm handstand was something a bit different. Penny Starr Sr - If they're going to milk this show so hard for remaining auditions, at least the acts are getting condensed. I think she was shown waving her hand once and that was the whole dance. She's so old, her parents probably named her Penny because a cent had tangible value back then. The judges throw all criteria in the toilet and usher her through, perhaps off the back of Sofia and Heidi being impressed that attention whoring into their eighties is still viable. Mr. Moo Shakes - Another shitty act that fools the audience like peekaboo just because he's wearing a costume. There always has to be several 'performers' who get a huge round of ironic applause by people who will swear on their first born that they'll be a paying fan, but will bow out before he even appears again. (he won't) Bay Turner - There was little doubt that he was a singer, since that douchey "artist" hat is never worn by anyone else. I thought being named Bae Turner meant that his vocals were hypnotic enough to make Sofia and Heidi do lesbian acts, but they sat at the table with their hands firmly at their sides, so it must have been an off night. A fancy way to say I have eff-all to really say about it. Even the story about his vocal chord being struck during surgery didn't get me further invested. Waffle - I was confused that they called their act 'double Dutch' when none of them had blue eyes and blond hair. Nonetheless, it was pretty decent, notably the guy jumping onto his forearm. They got montage'd regardless, and there were a few other brief acts I don't care to mention. Camille K - In typical fashion, she's stopped after getting one line through a song that pales into comparison with the one she should have just started with. Pretending this wasn't orchestrated for the thousandth time, of course. She mentioned writing a love song despite never going through heartbreak, which makes sense because I didn't hear any lyrics about the man in question being jobless. Naive girl. Anyway, her voice was pretty decent and might have to be a replacement for Debii Dawson inevitably not getting through the fan votes. The Nerveless Nocks - I didn't know the Dad's name was Michelangelo, which is probably the only example of a man with that name producing a work of art that depreciates over time. I kind of thought that AGT Extreme was cancelled after the one stuntman got injured during rehearsal, but that must have been in name only when another dangerous act comes back to perform with no crash pad or any other safety gear. Pretty excellent, hopefully there's room for variety. Probably my worst post, fitting for an episode that barely deserved to air. It's hard to add much commentary when needing a thesaurus for 'good'/'decent', etc. from feeling lobotomized for not leaping to my feet with the audience for the same variations of every niche. Somehow, the list of contestants moving on to the next round being posted on NBC builds some hype, even though actually watching most of them will feel like unpaid labor. Did they just announce this format for the season today or was it known in advance that 100 acts that got "put through" are getting kicked out immediately? It's more interesting than several rounds of fodder, but two months of auditions is one hell of a punishment to get there.
  21. Bayley Graham - This guy was an annoying twerp, as many of the acts seem to be. Never mind the reasoning as to why something like this would headline a Vegas show, his attempt to hype up the paid off audience just got in the way of properly fast forwarding because it kept seeming like he was done. Another tap dancing routine that 'clogs' the airwaves. He's from New Zealand and came to America to audition because there's seemingly a bigger circle for tap. Just because homeless people dancing on the sidewalk get coins thrown in their coffee cup, doesn't mean there's a voluntary audience for it. Freckled Zelda - Since being overweight and filled with trivia about fictional damsels is our domain, I'd complain about attention seeking women ruining video games if there were something to ruin. I can't imagine how she has 7 million TikTok followers, when her tries at humor were utterly terrible and following the wallet test, (would I spend a full paycheck for her to say my name on a Twitch stream?) I felt nothing. She sung Disney's "Colors of the Wind", which I didn't know because I'm on the spectrum, so blow me. That was a forced pun, even though I really don't know the song. The singing was alright, but this seems like a very niche thing, follower count notwithstanding. She can make a living online from pretty much existing, despite possibly looking like a Chess club president without the cosplay. Perhaps that's why it's difficult to connect with her act; the quirky gamer girl shtick is too disingenuous to think she's serious about everything else. She's like a more exaggerated version of Leah Marlene from American Idol (if anyone watched it, probably not), who was also a pill. Maxence Vire - Like all magic tricks, he gets 5-10 minutes without interruption no matter how convoluted it is. The trick eventually came full circle and was pretty good. His style is similar to Piff the Magic Dragon without the urge to put him in a headlock. Howie expressed fear when giving away his credit card, even though his financial and personal information is probably already shared across multiple foreign think tanks he's never heard of. Solid act. RCC Aruba - Based on their many previous locales of vacation destinations, I take it that wading through 3 feet of snow for a tour date in Concord, New Hampshire isn't on the itinerary. It was pretty pointless for them to spend a while talking about being from Cuba et al. when they moved away 20 years ago, which is odd and quite different from the nobility of me filling with tears and applying black eyeliner while still listening to songs about high school. They're another gymnastics troupe, which are hit or miss for the most part. Before starting, they said they lost their luggage. It's a good thing somebody had a giant inflatable with 'Aruba' written on it to lend out. The stunts were really good, for once, which is a bit surprising when most of these acts are similar, so I don't know what the difference is. The final trick was the main guy getting blindfolded and flying through a ring of fire, making Johnny Cash sound boring as hell for just sitting there droning on about his. I assume this guy met his wife while blindfolded, since, to sound catty, he is way out of her league and must simply have a thing for MILs. ('mothers I like' - as in, they're just OK) Don McMillan - There were two unfunny women who came before him. The first one was a 40 year old woman talking about her post-pregnancy body, and she'd be a great person to have around when the entertainment industry is getting inspected. "See, nobody's trying to do anything here, the casting couch doesn't exist and never has". That "OH-MY-GOD" kind of delivery is a hallmark for female comedians, I don't think it has ever enhanced a joke. After her was an Asian woman talking about Asian stereotypes, since they seemingly only want to stop those when a TV news camera is present. In their defence, this routine probably did not take an 80 hour work week to come up with. Anyway, Don came to the rescue with a pretty solid routine. He'd probably be funny without the charts, but it's an infrequent occasion when a prop didn't ruin the show. That last bit about marriage was pretty weak, though. Ava Swiss - Her song was a cover of "Remember" by Lauren Daigle. Ah, Lauren Daigle. A fine soul that always made me want a Christian wife with traditional values, at least until I throw a fit when she won't recreate certain degrading videos to a T and I act completely blindsided. It's hard to say "women should do more on this show besides sing", but after the standup from earlier, I'm torn. I say the same thing all the time, it gets very difficult to be moved by a song when music is everywhere and treated as disposable, so another good voice doesn't mean much. Ciara Hines & Trey Rich - There's an obvious reason why they weren't subjected to the 'are you dating?' interrogation like most other duos are, even though it's not worth mentioning because joining dance class to 'meet girls' is a farce from Archie Comics or something. As Ciara has yet to turn 18, all I can do is put my fist under my chin and posit observations like "I believe her style may have incorporated the Vaganova method of ballet? Maybe a tad Neoclassical?" with all the fake enthusiasm I can muster. Jokes aside, this was actually a step up from most of the dancing duets and it would not be utter misery to see again. Auzzy Blood - There's at least one sword swallower every season, which isn't unwelcome, but it's difficult to rate it on a scale of entertainment when making high-pitched noises of revulsion and trying not to look away. He looked like Marilyn Manson's son, which might give credence to men wanting to wear makeup being genetic. While initially thinking this was performance art as a testament to American insurance being so bad, their citizens try to give themselves appendectomies to save money, Auzzy stood out from other sword swallowers by using a curved blade and letting Howie guide one of the swords down his throat. A rare time where judge participation didn't have me checking my nonexistent watch repeatedly. It was a good act and impressive, but one that is hard to understand how anybody would begin getting into it aside from getting desperate to find a talent upon discovering their singing voice is subpar. Duo Mico - "I joined forces with this tall and muscular guy to prove myself as my own performer" is a very elaborate way of cheating on her husband, who is ashamed enough to wear a mask while controlling the winch, probably trying to manipulate the other guy to land on his head. Maybe this was just late-episode fatigue setting in, but I was zoning out hard during this. Debii Dawson - When asked about her reason for auditioning, she said she wanted to make the dream a reality. I was gobsmacked how this actually required work instead of putting clip-outs of Ferrari convertibles and gold-digging wives on my vision board. There was a weirdly elongated bit at the start with Simon chastising Debii for her parents not being there, probably because he's wracked with guilt for the eventual future of his son taking his inheritance and moving far away. I thought her song was an original, which would have been impressive because those are rarely good, but it was Dancing Queen by ABBA. A cruel nod to Trey Rich from earlier, but I guess Debii knew how the editing process was going to go. Unlike 90% of each show, I thought this was a great performance and she has a unique tone. The Big Apple - What was he thinking when going out there dressed as a low calorie snack? It's no surprise he was greeted with a hostile American audience. Anyway, after several minutes of shitty jokes that were just like the comedian dedicated to pants a few weeks ago (who made it through, somehow), the guy crawls out in a worm costume and it's 'Sethward'. Cue the fireworks, because for how many times he's been on the show, I don't remember him whatsoever. It's apparently a feat to be an unfunny turd on the same stage for years. Hopefully this really is the last auditions episode now. I checked the ratings for this season and the viewership is around 6 million per episode, which is close to the average for the past few years. (it used to be 10 million in 2019) You'd assume that the lack of live audience from 2020 made people quit watching and they're unaware the audience came back this year, or there never were any restrictions and the previous studio plants merely jumped ship for good upon realizing how repetitive this dreck is.
  22. Amoukanama - These guys were complaining about living in West Africa being a hard life, yet they're all muscular with straight and white teeth. Really says something about the quality of life in the 'greatest country in the world' when they're desperate to be slumped in an office chair eating takeout lunches. It's really pointless to try and make sense of how an act is going to formulate an hour-long Vegas show because nobody involved ever cares about that, but this is one of those acts that begs the question of how this is scale-able. It's also difficult to give praise for a type of routine that has been done to death on here, though it still required talent. It's all just so hard to sit through. Sam Cieri - Him fronting a band that has a big TikTok following gives me confidence that adult males spending hours a day on there is perfectly well adjusted behavior. During his intro, he said he just had his first month of paying bills from making music. You could wonder why he'd wait years to audition for AGT until realizing this is the show that spawned acts like Forte, so profitability is proven to be an afterthought here. Anyway, his voice sounded like he was throwing it like a ventriloquist because it seemed to be placed so low in his throat. Upon a rewatch, it still looks like his voice isn't coming from his mouth. Yet another singer yelling their heart out while I sit there with a thousand yard stare of indifference. Maytree - I'm thankful that not every Asian country has a one child policy that favors male births, otherwise I'd have nobody to stare at during this performance. Women are fully independent beings in control of their own life until the routine turns boring, in which case I know a man fucked up somewhere. Seems like interpreters are overused because many of the foreigners on the show can speak some English, but the producers notice that an act speaking unintelligibly before someone else of their race translates makes the audience perk up like a jack in the box popped open. (they find it funny/entertaining, for some reason) Any act that makes these quick nostalgic bits as the focal point is bound to be reduced to fodder in a hurry. Apart from a brief "I remember that", there's not much meat to it. It was also weird that they picked the show Cheers as one that the entire audience is supposed to recall when it's several decades old. An overweight guy with curly hair drinking every day probably wasn't a catchy premise in Korea, much less the phrase "where everybody knows your name" when their names are all 50 characters long. Ballet After Dark - They were most likely not the 'black and yellow' that Wiz Khalifa referred to many years ago, which I know to be true and yet say it anyway because there's not much else to write for them. For a show that loves to overshare every personal detail about jugglers and their suicidal ideations or what have you, this group revolving around trauma and overcoming it kind of glossed over that. The group was made of women except for just one man, which probably makes the nervous Tupac defenders claim that a man involved with ballet doesn't imply anything else. Svitlana Rohozhyna - A woman with un-ascertainable facial expressions as a result of Botox wanting to strip in Las Vegas is only noteworthy because she travelled beyond borders to do it. The vast majority of people seem to not know what's going on in Ukraine (nor do I), as the news is always passed down like a parent breaking serious matters to a child. "Things are bad over there", and that's it. This was the thousandth interpretation of the aerial hanging-from-tether routine, so it was too repetitive to care about. Jack the Whipper - The nerve of this man to crack a whip several seconds before a non-sequential camera cut to Terry, a mere month after Juneteenth made me take a bat to the television. Aside from that, he had the classic douchey news anchor voice that emphasized the act's annoyance which would've existed regardless. Some of these pointless acts get overly praised just because the performer behaves like a showman and draws it out forever. In the obviously rehearsed gimmick, Simon hits the X and is brought on stage to almost get hit in the groin. The average American is proudly circumcised, so the pain factor probably didn't translate very well. Sing Harlem - The leader of the group introduced them by saying they're from "Harlem, USA", which displays how aware they are that very few Americans are on the show. I really resonated with the lyric of "free your mind, don't be so shallow" while scanning the group for 'the hot one'. The vocals were alright, but the choreography was so bad. I kept thinking some of the members would start doing backflips because the group would clear room on the stage as if something was going to happen. John Glenn High School Dance Team - A group of bald men who sound like girls is pretty much the average man in 2022, so the Howie costumes could've been more specific. They said they wanted to change his mind about dancing groups, and proceeded to do the same Rockette leg kick that all of these one-dimensional groups do repeatedly. Similar dancing as the 'hooray, it's a clipshow I don't have to watch' celebration from a few weeks ago. It really was not good. Amanda Mammana - Her last name is presumably a lot shorter than that, as I figure that the speech impediment still translated to writing it out. I wipe a tear away instead of trying to make sense of that statement. This show is already so freaking long that bringing out a contestant who takes 5 minutes to get to the point feels like the ultimate taunt from producers. A fair amount of people on the internet fake disabilities for fame and sympathy on social media, so this 'it goes away when I sing' explanation is a bit dicey and has been used before. Medical research may argue that music is processed in a different part of the brain than speech, which could hold water when I gleefully pirate albums from struggling artists but would never stick up a convenience store. Anyway, her original song wasn't really that special IMO, though most of them usually aren't. At least the girl was cute, until I realized that she would never talk to someone like me. (circumstances notwithstanding) The Lazy Generation - The Jackass franchise ruined itself by featuring women that don't do any real stunts, so it must need a replacement. The "anti-performance" acts are getting pretty tiresome and seem to be critiqued on a whim when it's always the same. Some fat guy makes a serious face before the silly circus music plays and they act out a forced meme that Simon occasionally praises for no reason. I thought the point of this was to show all of the members doing painful stunts, even though none were that bad, but it's apparently a comedy act. It makes sense that a bunch of Brits who never see the sun are into self-harm because of vitamin D-deficiency causing psychosis, but that didn't make it good. Yu Hojin - I initially thought that him being a South Korean man above 5'4" was the magic trick, which made everything else feel subpar. Magic isn't real anyway, (sorry to disappoint anyone with a full size witches' cauldron in their living room) but wearing a black shirt looked to be the secret to hiding all of the objects from view. With few exceptions, it feels like magic becomes more boring the closer up it's shown. Every second magician is Asian for some reason, perhaps trying to shirk the stereotypical parental expectations of being a doctor. That would make sense if Yu didn't mention his Dad finding out about his talent and instantly demanding he become the best at it. Chapel Hart - Dolly Parton is another artist, similar to Elton John, who is totally revered as a pop culture icon, yet receives the collective middle finger when inquiring about playing any of their discography from the past 30 years. Same with Prince; you can only make so much uninspired crap until your legend status is revoked. As expected, they did a retooled version of the only song people are familiar with. It wasn't even bad, which is surprising when nearly every act on AGT comes with a large sigh. Still not Golden Buzzer worthy, which isn't even a valuable thing anyway, though I suppose capitalizing it means I've fallen for the marketing. On another side note; why are the three women all related and look nothing alike? Not like I want the other two to be obese enough to call themselves Density's Child. It was at least refreshing for a Buzzer to be given to an act that didn't have a sob story, and future original songs may prove them to not be a fluke. Does every season of AGT have 8 audition episodes? This is becoming torturous, though it's a different kind of pain to see the familiar faces in the next rounds and realize we're stuck with a bunch of unchanging tripe for another two months.
  23. Travis Japan - Simon claims to love groups, even though it's been a decade since last fulfilling his role of a more agile (and not creepy) Lou Pearlman, which is basically assembling a bunch of teen boys that would be popular anyway into one streamlined source of money for tax benefits. The group is pretty much a worse BTS, who I guess are in need of a replacement when their fans are referred to as 'the Army' and yet selfishly refuse to take the boys' places when they have to honor their mandatory military obligations. The song was rather mediocre, though probably filled with genuine excitement for Hollywood because they have yet to be screwed over in a record deal. Dino Don - The Earth has only been around for 6000 years, so I comfortably accepted that we were watching a fictional scenario. I couldn't tell this was supposed to be a comedy act, I thought the bait and switch was it. Neither of them were good, anyway. As usual, the crowd is booing and probably screaming assumptions about the performer's sexuality, until the judges say they're not going through and it's back to a warm sendoff of applause like nothing happened. Shenay Kloss - You can tell they're running out of material when shitty judge segments and time-wasting acts who are probably the sound guy's cousin are taking up multiple slots in the episode. Doing absolutely nothing frequently counts as humor on this show, so it's no surprise. Ben Waites - Seeing that this guy was able to get married has me frantically searching for excuses, of course omitting my rampant unemployment. I didn't think he was too fantastic of a singer for the most part. He can sing, but it reminded me of old men with double chins whose entire vocal range is going "dum dum dum" in a low voice while plucking a guitar. It was surprising that Ben's condition wasn't mentioned, I thought the editor got lazy and cut that part out. Sofia shed a tear of relatability for his song, thinking of the disadvantaged 6'4 hunk waiting for her at home. Duo Rings - A win for anybody who doesn't want to exercise and thus thinks all athletic people are meatheads, a ton of these acts are named after the most blunt description of what the act is about. It was good, though I wonder if making the act sensual for so long would make them think of sex as formulaic and more like work when they have to practice risque moves for hours a day. (upon recently learning that people actually have it outside of VR headsets, I guess it does require work) You'd think the last thing the guy would want to do is put a ring on it, I write in a complete deadpan. Acapop Kids - This group is Kidz Bop, right down to every member looking like they're from a different country and probably wouldn't interact with each other if not coerced. They're doing this performance as a tribute to another member who 'died in his sleep at random', if you believe that. I thought they may have had the best vocal of the night aside from Terry saying "that's it, the show's over", but apparently they're already signed to a record deal. This show is so full of fake BS, it doesn't matter anyway. Henry and Klauss - Another unimaginative group name, not like calling themselves The Viral Escape Brothers Experience in 3D would make the show go any faster. The reveal on the trick was well done and surprising, for once, though the in-box cameras that were supposed to follow their every move were about the same quality as any fight video that somehow always gets shot in portrait mode with the phone's operator having a seizure and not showing anything. They may be one of the few highlights to come, assuming every single trick doesn't end the same way. Adam Winrich - A nice visual representation of the average American's ecological footprint when they need a whole roll of toilet paper for every bathroom trip. I didn't see the talent in him whipping toilet paper because he's swatting the rope fast enough that most of the paper is likely to get hit eventually. Stefanny and Yeeremy - They're from Colombia but were destined to come to America, given that both of their names were handily spelled to show the accent we're supposed to say them in. My only observation is that the guy looked a lot better than the woman, which makes it sound like I watch the show in a hair salon and gossip with fellow old biddies. They're talented at dancing, but the enjoyment doesn't translate to entertainment when seeing it on a screen. Alex Rivers - This guy is so feminine, his gesticulating doesn't even deserve to be called mannerisms. I thought he was in high school instead of being 26, though it's not impressive because whenever men say things like "I'm 37 and can pass for 27", they usually mean they're doughy and look like a former child actor who got stuck halfway through puberty and are trying to brag about looking estrogen dominant for a decade longer than you'd assume. Even Simon is so fatigued with the "second song" bullshit that he needs to wait a full day before continuing. I'd comment on the actual violin-ing, but it's not going to win, so what's the point. Balla Brothers - With Simon looking over his shoulder for impending lawsuits, he'd better hope that any injuries the lawyer suffers are to his head. This was a great performance and the two guys are probably full of hatred toward each other for not being able to sing or do any other talent that doesn't require so much risk. Wyn Starks - Of course the big reveal was somebody having passed away, even though he said his brother "went a different way" from singing and phrased it in such a way that had you think he was alive. The song was alright, though I expected his lisp to disappear and his singing voice would be like a completely different person, which is common for a big reveal. His name at least shows forethought by acknowledging the contrast between what winning AGT is promoted as and what the reality is like. Sounds like Garth Brooks' alter ego of Chris Gaines, but tailored for Landau Eugene Murphy Jr., which is a name that just alienated half the forum. Worst episode so far, even writing about it was extremely sedating.
  24. This was an episode for superfans, though the ratings are probably going to be a lot higher for including people who died in front of the TV and couldn't turn it off. (the only way to escape this show's pull)
  25. Nicolas Ribs - His daughter said "we are from France" and the cultureless void of a crowd goes into hysterics. It was refreshing to have a magician on here who didn't speak with a hyper narration over every trick. Him making things appear out of thin air was cool, though the Federal Reserve has been doing that for years and never received their due applause. Mr. Pants - Wouldn't you believe there happened to be another contestant with his own act revolving solely around another object, right before this one? And Pants was supposed to be the crown jewel of the two, pathetically. A bunch of shitty puns he didn't include: he's slacking off unless there's better material in his back pocket, 'cause I wanted to give him the belt. The humor sounded off the cuff but was probably tapered for time, which would've been a blessing since it made me want to vomit like Ipe-khaki. (Ipecac) Yeah, I'm already out of ideas. Pretty damn obvious how limited the jokes are going to be going forward. I gave him the attention most would bestow upon a homeless guy twirling a sign at an intersection. Mia Morris - Looping is so impressive to the judges on a show that has the same acts every week for 20 years. Ed Sheeran used to do this when not yet world famous and still does it at concerts, much better than Mia; even when just starting out. Her material sounds like Avril Lavigne, who I would disparage for 'choosing' to age out of her 20s, though Avril still making music for teenagers is a healthy concession. Anyway, it was kind of unique for AGT when every other musical act is just one person howling into a mic. (or a group of 50 who don't understand the value of money) It seemed like her performance almost got montage'd because they cut her off right when she started singing. Chiko - Upon seeing anybody who's actually in shape, I'm desperate to call every facet of the act gimmicked in some way, but cannot explain any details. There's at least one of these acts every year, so it was exciting but simultaneously dull because it's rather hard to appreciate how dangerous something is when just watching on TV. Terry pleads for viewers to not try this at home, which is disheartening when I have a 30 foot tower of metal legs sitting in the living room with the plastic wrap still attached. Connor Johnson - Another giveaway was the editors putting his Instagram handle on the screen, as if it would ever be from him in dire need of cheering up after not making it through. It's still mind-blowing how many people want to make a living as a musician. I guess this is another way the show ages me by 20 years because I used to hate unsupportive parents, but now only think of replies like "oh, baby, that's not practical" because there's no money in it unless at the top. Cue the retort of "my obese friend is in a Meat Loaf cover band and cleans up", though the exceptions are not the rule. It's like singers such as Laine Hardy who write an album's worth of material about how they're in love with their small town of 100 people that contains a single general store and a pump water well like in Africa, yet still wonder why huge cities don't attend their concerts. Anyway, Connor did the usual shtick of humming what might as well be elevator music before Simon demands the 'second' song they rehearsed 10 minutes prior. I thought it was all boring, and since he's attractive, the catty woman in me hopes he fails. MPLUSPLUS - Gay marriage was legalized in 2008, so I don't get why twirling around multicolored ribbons took another 12 years of bravery to debut. Most of these LED groups at least pretend there's a story to go along with what they're doing, but these guys didn't really do anything. I think there's a woman or two in the group, so as usual, I'll shift all the blame towards the men in hopes of affection later. Dremeka Choir - The scariest part of this performance was that a group of 14 people claimed to want the million dollars to support them full time. After taxed, they'd have made the salary of a substitute teacher for a single year, so good for them for forgoing earthly pleasures such as food if they feel supported from that. At least the sole point of their act isn't to shock people, since there's nowhere to go after the initial 5 seconds, which for most viewers is really just looking up from their phone and going "cool" before going back to scrolling. The "Toxic" cover was interesting and is some substance to use for future performances, which many other acts could learn from. (the art of doing something) I could've sworn they were just playing a track of 2022 Britney singing, since my appreciation of women's music is usually amortized over a short period. Lily Meola - No joke, I started to think she was acting after a while because of how 'professional' her answers were getting. "I told myself I wasn't going to cry" sounds like a line people hear in movies and never actually say, though it didn't seem like she was going to really cry either. Maybe the realm of possibility gets ruined when there have to be constant shots of the side of her head for no reason, followed by an emotional cut to the crowd of the same plants who must camp out there in order to pad their imdb resume with roles as "gasping woman". Anyway, I didn't really feel much from the song because the already bad episode was really starting to decline around here. I'll possibly watch it again to form a real opinion, though if her story is real, her shot at fame may sadly be blown. When any female singer over the age of 22 opens her mouth, the world seems to collectively leap to their feet as if another Susan Boyle has been discovered, which is to say that pop and country are some of the only big genres where women can succeed and it's hard when not young. They're also some of the only genres anyone in general seems to care about, as the music industry has shrunk in spite of record revenues thanks to streaming. It's interesting how 40+ year old musicians could succeed as late as the early '90s, a decade after MTV's initial popularity (despite music videos making the industry heavily image-based often getting blamed for their obsession about youth for women and men), and now there's no trace of such a thing. Lily's only 27, which isn't old, I'm just saying she has a shorter window. Then again, if her competition includes people like Crystal Bowersox who looked like her own mother at 23, she'll be fine. Jordan Conley - I wanted to like him and thought he gave a solid attempt, but just couldn't laugh at any of it. When it's at the point where you have to decide whether or not to make some feigned laugh like The Count from Sesame Street, it's not that good. Hopefully his next performance is redeeming, because his personality seems fit for comedy. Merissa Beddows - She was singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" as a subtle reminder that there are only a few days until random hamburger companies stop announcing how gay they are, which will be a most confusing time for everyone. It seems like every woman who does impressions looks a lot older than they are, perhaps the constant furling of the brow in the midst of unfunny jokes causes some premature wrinkles. Anyway, she did the same dice shtick as another group from a few weeks ago, but since she did every single selection on it, there was no risk or spontaneity. Siegfried and Joy - After only being familiar with the original duo for the tiger attack, anything else resembling an actual show is rather disappointing. The average viewer lives in an apartment the size of a cage, and are likely equally agitated, so bringing one out would be pointless. I don't doubt the municipal water supply being laced with sedatives, but I can't relate to the crowd and judges going into hysterics at practically anything because I spend 99% of the show in a blank stare. After so many magicians with the annoying 'flair', it might've been nice to see anti-magicians instead, but the enjoyment was only slightly ahead of Piff The Magic Dragon or whatever from years ago. A lot of the act was really predictable aside from revealing Jordan Conley, who was more likeable in his silent appearance than his own act earlier. I've been mispronouncing this show's initials as "agate" for years, under the presumption of some reference to the producers finding diamonds in the rough. After tonight was crowned the current champion for worst episode in the season, that idea has been disproven.
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