NinjaPenguins

Oh man, what a Friday! It was a buy one, get one free sale on insufferable asshats at FC; sit through Steffy’s smug, judgmental smack talk about Deacon and you can enjoy her smug prick of a father putting in his wooden nickel’s worth of wisdom. The only thing better would be scenes of Ridge and Thomas in Paris, shit talking Hope, you know, the gal to whom Ridge was such a good father. Hey, someone actually focused on Luna’s feelings today! Brooke was right to point out how problematic the latest misunderstanding night was; too bad the show won’t own it. It never does, and it’s gross how often the writers go back to that well. Sherlock and Watson in the alley behind the convenience store getting intel from the down on his luck Santa Claus was quite the comedic scene. I dislike Sheila intensely, but, man, I hope Steffy has to eat some crow, even if it’s but a tiny morsel.

I generally like Tucker and Audra as individuals, but I really dislike them as a couple. They seem isolated from the rest of the cast, and all they do is have sex. Audra clearly doesn’t want to get married, and Tucker would drop her like a hot rock if Ashley was well and wanted him back. Speaking of Ashley, what in the blue dilly fuck am I watching unfold here? It’s like she and Traci were on two different shows. Traci was acting like a real person while Ashley was performing in a campy comedy sketch. The scenes with Ashley’s alters bickering against the backdrop of a Philadelphia cream cheese commercial are painful, and there’s something off putting about the homicidal maniac handcuffed to the bed. I think it might be the homicidal mania. Lily and Buttbiscuit were certainly more tolerable than Nick and Phyllis were yesterday. Woof. This show has lowered my standards to rock bottom.

Steffy is a real piece of work. Not too long after telling Hope that she’s hot trash and a slut like her mother, here she is, telling Hope to bring her father to heel over the Sheila thing. Someone needs to get the message to Steffy, gently or not, that she’s not, in fact, Queen of the Universe. She doesn’t have conversations; she just harangues people. Ugh.

Dear Readers; The Dear Buttbiscuit column, read by tens of Genoa City denizens, is permanently canceled. That’s right. I, Billy Abbott, have shitcanned my greatest artistic achievement, my masterpiece of meddling, my symphony of solicitude, my magnum opus of wisdom. (Alliteration is not my jam, ingrates) Why? Not that you people deserve an explanation, but I love the sight of my own words, so I’ll tell you. There are a number of reasons, but, first of all, I am embarking on another corporate mission of immense importance. My mother’s company, thousands of employees, and another tantalizing opportunity to shit where I eat all hang in the balance. (Lily, call me!) If I can pry my idiot nephew off his snowflake addiction, I’ll have a solid ally in my path to the top. Jabot runs like Microsoft compared to this place, so my amoral conniving should cut through the competition like a knife through hot butter. You should eavesdrop on one of our “board meetings” sometime. Let’s get down to the heart of the problem. I’m a beacon of raw human truth and y’all won’t take off your damn horse blinders. I get it. The dude from the Vatican said to never make prolonged eye contact with the Phyllis entity, That’s no excuse to ignore my sage advice or ask me increasingly bizarre questions. No, Victor, I don’t have any recipes for rat tartare. WTF is wrong with you? Nikki, you smell like you survived a moonshine still explosion, but maybe it’s just my oversized olfactory glands that make me the only person to notice. Summer, it’s great that you love your stepson and I’ve got mad respect that you don’t let biology dictate how much you care. Here’s the problem: you’re an asshole, so nobody gives an aerodynamic fuck on a rolling donut. 90% of the letters I get are from Newmans. It is unbearable. They are horrible, self-absorbed, broken people. Hey, Nick, you couldn’t pick Christian or Harrison out of a lineup, so how fucking dare you walk into my brother’s house with the woman you did gross naked stuff with behind his back all those years ago? I mean, I’m related, so I get a pass. How did Harrison suddenly become more Newman than Abbott? Hey, maybe Nikki could fuck off into the sun so my brother could focus on his sister performing the Scarlet O’Hara Follies all over town? Maybe her AA group is assisting Jordan because they can’t take Nikki’s narcissistic monologuing anymore. I can’t take you Newmans anymore. I won’t. Signing off, Buttbiscuit

RJ needs to seek out Finn’s trainer. Or Cesar Milan. I also enjoyed Lauren and Deacon, probably because they were having an actual conversation instead of the usual “entitled Forrester jerk berates peasant” scene Deacon gets stuck with.

There was once a bear in the woods who supposedly sampled Sheila’s goods He ate all but a toe But wouldn’t you know The situation was entirely misunderstood P.S. Ten. Toes.

I am not entertained by the tired trope of one character trying to confess something while the other character interrupts them with such frequency that the truth doesn’t come out or takes forever to emerge. Stop padding the script and get the show on the road. Damn. If show could stop flashing back to bare feet (with TEN TOES!!!) disappearing into the crematorium fire, that would be swell. Although having Carl randomly show up to exclaim “THAT’S REALLY HOT!” might be amusing. I noticed Lauren was in the previews. She flew to California and made the rounds, flew back to Wisconsin to celebrate the Newman anniversary with a cringeworthy description of their “glorious love” and then flew back to California to confront Deacon?

Where did this magnificent turn of phrase come from? Characters keep telling me that Steffy is torn up about killing Sheila, but she’s not putting out that vibe. It kind of galls me to see Steffy being so buddy buddy with RJ after she’s put in so much work unloading vitriol on his other sister and mother. I wish he’d catch her spewing her misogynistic filth. Hopefully he’d have more of a spine than his ogre of a dad.

Ridge is so unlikeable. He’s so juvenile, heading over to Deacon’s place of business to talk shit to a grieving man. Was Sheila horrible and loathsome in every way? Yes indeed. Is it cool to talk about putting her down like a sick animal? I personally don’t think so. Ridge has all that money but still won’t spring for a modicum of class or human decency. He and Steffy are insufferable together. Nice of Zende to put on a cowboy shirt for all the horseshit shoveling he did today. He definitely sees himself as the “picking up the pieces” guy. Show really does go overboard exonerating Zende for Mint Night. Thomas is still the King of Schmucks, but Zende’s just starting out.

I feel like “Sheila back from the dead” is one of those go-to moves with diminishing returns. We just had the suspenseless Did a Bear Eat Sheila? non-mystery and now we have the morbid sight of ten toes disappearing into the crematory fires. (Honestly, I’d rather not spend a whole episode of a soap opera at a crematorium to begin with. WTF?) Everyone saw this coming. It would have been more shocking to see nine toes. Ultimately we’re in for months of Deacon and Finn having mind numbing, repetitive conversations on a topic that has been beaten to death a thousand times before: “is Sheila really alive?” I expect ‘I saw ten toes’ to become the new ‘birth mother.’ Lol@Lauren expressing concern that poor Steffy had to kill someone. This ain’t Steffy’s first rodeo, lady.

I’ll need the whole weekend to recover from the shock.

Most definitely. Unfortunately, the number of people who try to disabuse her of this notion is far outstripped by those blowing sunshine up her nose. Everything Steffy does is the bestest - just ask her. This is the woman congratulating herself to Liam for considering Finn’s feelings, which, you know, ought to be something you automatically do for your husband. Or any human being really. Steffy acts like she’s making a huge sacrifice and is deserving of the Nobel Peace Prize for her novel act of empathy. Then Liam tells her how strong and fair and kind she is, Steffy inexplicably flashes some leg at him and the beat goes on. I hope we find out the casket at the memorial is empty, or, barring that, someone jumps out of it. Doesn’t have to be Sheila. Let’s lean in to the ridiculousness.

I like how Steffy clearly thought she was being magnanimous by allowing Finn to make his own decision about attending Sheila’s memorial. Her generosity knows no bounds. Of course Liam understands her side of things; if Steffy said the Earth was flat, he’d try to throw himself off the edge of it. Hope was making some excellent faces during the memorial.

I know, right? Like what kind of relationship do Steffy and Thomas have exactly? I could understand if Steffy meant that Thomas spent so much time with Hope that he none left for his family or if Hope and Thomas moved to Antarctica at Hope’s insistence. Steffy and Thomas live in the same neighborhood and work in the same damn building. Also gross is Steffy clinging to the childish, outdated notion that brothers and husbands can be “stolen.” She acts like Brooke broke into their happy home, stuffed Ridge in a burlap sack and absconded with him back to her supervillain lair. A grown ass woman needs to acknowledge that her father has agency. I kind of wish RJ could hear his darling sister slagging his mom and other sister, but knowing this show, he’d just bow down to Queen Steffy.

The writing for this show is absolutely deranged. Clearly the show takes place in an alternate universe where women who don’t accept marriage proposals on the man’s timeline are exiled to Bitchville after a period of shaming. The people in charge of this clown show should put a disclaimer at the beginning of every episode: Misogynistic Dystopia Ahead. Oh, and the gaslighting. The endless gaslighting that must be deployed in order to keep the fucked up Forester branch squeaky clean. Steffy is completely fabricating a version of Thomas & Hope that never existed and punishing Hope for it. Ridge and Steffy both acting brand new, as if Hope hadn’t repeatedly and clearly told Thomas she wasn’t ready for marriage, was the cherry on the shit sundae. When Ridge shrugged his shoulders at Brooke after she pointed out the cruelty of taking Douglas to Paris, like “herp derp what are you gonna do, he kept proposing and she said no“, I wanted Brooke to give him a second vasectomy. Or how about the casual way he brushed off the baby Beth thing? No wonder his kids with Taylor are broken toys. Hey, was Steffy talking to a mirror at the end there? I could have sworn she was describing herself when I heard the word “trash”. I could have done without Hope describing the relationship as beautiful or healthy, but I hope she stays motivated to make Steffy regret her vulgar behavior. Zende, please stop. I feel like he could easily get a date and not have to moon after his cousin’s girlfriend. Hey, how come RJ hasn’t proposed to Luna yet? They’ve known each other for at least a week and had sex.

The reason it strikes me as manipulative is that Thomas is getting everything he wants, with Hope telling him repeatedly she’s not ready for marriage. She’s giving him sex, intimacy, co-parenting, working with him… and she sets one very reasonable boundary that he can’t be arsed to respect. When he fails to break down that one wall, he takes his ball and goes off to Paris like a big baby. Not only that, he takes off with Douglas to add insult to injury. Hope has been crystal clear about the marriage thing, Thomas is probably hoping breaking up with her will cause Hope to chase after him and withholding their son will pressure her into making a “real family.” I can definitely see an argument where he’s not being manipulative, only heartbroken, but he is being punitive. He’s putting his hurt feelings over what’s best for Douglas. I really hope Thomas coached Douglas to say all those awful things to Hope. I’d hate to think Douglas was naturally blossoming into a horrible Taytot. Not that Thomas needs more strikes against him, but it’s better than Douglas coming up with it on his own.

That was awful. Steffy is so vile, smug and hateful that I can’t even stand to see her on screen. I don’t want Thomas and Hope to ever reunite, so if Steffy’s hideous behavior is some weird attempt to prop them as a couple, it’s a fucking failure with me. If it’s an effort to make the audience want Steffy launched into Jupiter’s orbit via giant trebuchet - well, that’s a resounding success. She’s not a bad ass or strong woman; she’s just an overbearing, arrogant asshole. Douglas’ little speech - woof. That was some high level manipulative garbage that didn’t really ring true with the smart, honest kid we’d seen before. That whole scene was appalling. I guess the message is that if a woman doesn’t want to get married after less than a year of dating, she deserves to be punished, scorned, painted as a libidinous manipulator and be separated from her children? What alternate dimension do these characters inhabit? Thomas, fuck off with your manipulative trip out of town. Ridge, fuck off with your weasel like, trying to take everyone’s side bullshit. Scrounge up the courage to tell your daughter what’s what. Brooke, run from a man who stands there like a dope while his wretched ogre of a child attacks your daughter. Hope, consider yourself lucky.

If Finn once did the deed with Poppy, you’d think things would be more awkward between them. He never had a weird reaction to her name being mentioned by Li or Luna. Plus, ew. What is the big hairy deal about Brooke and Ridge approving of Hope and Thomas? These people spend way too much time mulling over the sex lives of their family members. And did Hope say Thomas was great with the kids, like kids plural? Meaning Beth? That’s a non-starter for me. I don’t care how much work that suffocating asshole claims he’s done. I notice too that Mr. “No Pressure” is proposing again. He’s got no chill at all.

I’ll get on board with them. If they’re on the Hindenburg or Titanic.

I’d almost think Poppy and Zende were going to get together if he wasn’t so hung up on Luna. Their obsession with Luna not telling the truth is bizarre. Get a grip, you assholes. Speaking of assholes, Thomas keeps love bombing Hope and getting sweet fuck all in return. Buy a clue, buddy. Also, wtf with Ridge’s murderous children?

Ridge: Bringing a lawyer with me will make Steffy look guilty. It’s much better to barge in alone and start flinging commands and decrees around like an imperious ogre. Finn, if you got your smile from Sheila, Steffy would have run screaming the other way the first time you met. Steffy is just surrounded by heroes, what with Liam fluffing her off for pizza and Finn fleeing the beach house when he heard sirens. Top notch fellows, right there. I hope Li excoriates her idiot son with the same zest she typically unloads on Poppy with. That birth mom shit is going to go over real well. I’ve learned many valuable lessons from B&B, especially this week. DNA takes precedence over silly little things like putting a bullet in your chest and then deliberately shooting your wife. Losing your shit and throwing away your marriage over an egg donor who ignored you until you married into the family she’s obsessed with is totally a thing that makes sense. Lessons like that. Very enlightening.

I… I just can’t. I’m sorry. I loathe Summer and pretty much everything she does annoys me, but her parenting Harrison bothers me not at all. I can’t even explain it. We never see Harrison, so wolves could be raising him for all I care. I’m still hoping he belongs to oily Theo.

Nothing beats writing a Dear Buttbiscuit column that magically disappears into the ether. If only Josh Griffith’s scripts would wink out of existence as mysteriously. I guarantee that I put more in effort, and that’s not bragging. It’s a comment on how dumb and lazy JG’s writing is. Nick’s post-wipe Charmin squares have more coherence. I will say, though, that Devon’s icy contempt for Billy is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. Why dafuq should Devon cc the new, zero-experience guy on all his executive decisions? Maybe he should pass along all high level corporate directives to the mailroom for approval too. Imagine the sheer relief of CW employees when they realize Flat Ass won’t be blowing out his sinuses with a Neti pot in the break room for a few days. Then our amazing Buttbiscuit, having secured Adam’s grudging approval to join them, doesn’t comprehend that it’s a perfect time to pipe down. I know it’s difficult for Billy to remove his capacious nostrils from where they don’t belong, as their size makes them well nigh omnipresent. Still, shut your word dispenser. Adam also needs to chill and stop acting like OCD is so horrifying and shameful that he’ll doctor shop until he finds some asshole willing to tell him what he wants to hear. He sounded a lot like Victor, and I was just waiting for him to ask if Connor would have to go to the loony bin. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if Chelz, Adam and Buttbiscuit all rode together and had wacky adventures culminating in Billy left at a rest stop with the address to the Abbott mansion written in Sharpie on his forehead. Another lesser light of the Abbott family, Kyle, wasted Mariah’s time with his self-absorbed whining. What a tool. Oh noes, he’s so devoted to the art of humility that he’s sacrificed his own ambitions and happiness! He acknowledged being an ass, but I’m not entirely sure he comprehends what a knob he is. Mariah’s advice to take a look in the mirror for the source of the problem would be well taken by someone not already glued to a mirror as he sculpted his hair into a tsunami topiary. I must politely disagree with some of my fellow posters - do NOT free Tara. The less I have to think about Kyle’s MILF hunting back east and the dull sludge that was the Locke storylines, the better. Speaking of sludge, Victor seems worse than ever with the unvarnished arrogance and need to control his family. He could not understand why Victoria would have misgivings about letting him use Claire as bait and seemed to take it personally. Even Victoria reluctantly agreeing to his plan wasn’t good enough; that she had worries and conditions was intolerable to him. She couldn’t possibly genuinely care for Claire. No, her doubts had to stem from being pissy about the CEO position. Victor’s behavior is not heroic, show. It’s abusive malignant narcissism. And don’t tell me a mighty billionaire could not easily set up an adequate security force anywhere he wished. Are we to believe that Victoria isn’t wealthy enough to hire her own small mercenary army? Such a lame excuse for Victor to keep Victoria and Claire directly under his control.

Am I the only coldhearted asshole who laughed until I almost cried at Finn melodramatically placing his hand in the blood, slowly lifting it and then drearily declaring “My mom’s blood is on my hands… and yours, Steffy.” I know I’m absolutely hyped to hear Finn reply to every question or end every conversation with “you killed my mother.” from now until the show is canceled. Fucking knob. I hate it when they do this with Finn. Yes, Sheila gave you temporary housing for nine months. She also shot you and your wife point blank and nearly took you away from your kids. Oh, and she almost killed the woman who raised you, the woman you called your mother all your life. Don’t act brand new. All that being said, Ridge is so uncouth. Don’t be the more annoying character in scenes with Thomas, yo.

Imagine the weeks, nay! Imagine the months of Sheila repeating the same threats, justifications and monologues while Liam stands around with that dopey expression on his face. Bell could stretch this out for at least a year by padding episodes with flashbacks!