NinjaPenguins

Well, at least Phyllis ditched that stupid wig. It’s great for her that no one ever uses the park in Genoa City, bustling home of numerous corporations. Running a business is like baking bread, but JG writing soap opera business stories is like cooking string beans. A stench permeates the room, the product is damp and slimy and NinjaPenguins wants fuck all to do with any of it. Jack, you big dummy, Ashley doesn’t need Tucker dripping poison in her ear. Her brain is pretty much a cyanide sponge already. And yes, the house certainly misses Summer’s joyful, lighthearted presence. It’s like one goofy thing after another keeps coming out of Jack’s mouth. Kyle has no game. His flirting with Audra was a rich source of secondhand embarrassment. Stop while you’re behind, Pomp.

Hope you’re feeling better, boes. Coincidentally, my television came down with a bacterial infection today, some new form of virtual syphilis, I guess. You captured the Summer/Daniel conversation perfectly. Summer doesn’t seem to grasp the difference between ruining your child’s life and loving your child, which is honestly just a shining testament to what amazing parents Nick and Phyllis were. So Daniel’s game thingy is sweeping the continent of South America. I’d like to think Marco Anicelli is out there, selling pirated copies to all the Peruvian cokeheads.

It’s just baffling to me where Summer gets her narcissism from. I think I’ve figured out the Summer Newman Abbott routine: ME ME ME Pout Arms Crossed. I actually felt bad for Buttbiscuit, standing there with the expression of a man whose cavernous nostrils had inhaled three years worth of Nick farts while Summer went all whiny titty baby on his ass. To top it all off, Jason Thompson really showed some acting chops by keeping a straight face while Billy was praising Summer to the skies for her business acumen. Wait, wait! I’ve discovered the source of Summer’s damage - some nutter in the park having conversations with an imaginary nemesis and making high-larious jokes about being a better person. Seriously, Phyllis has learned nothing, will never learn anything and yet is somehow supposed to be sympathetic. I simply can’t wait until she and Ashley get together and amplify each other’s worst tendencies. Tucker remains delightful. I would love to have him as a houseguest.

I think I sort of like Diane because she’s not Phyllis. That’s it. I’m not invested in her relationship with Jack, and I kind of resent her for bringing Kyle into the world, but, hey… at least Diane didn’t cause Summer’s existence. Jack should fire Summer immediately for having poor enough judgement to offer Chelsea a job.

Somewhere, Nick Newman feels seen. Ashley and Jack both sound like idiots, blaming each other’s fiancee for them not getting along. Ashley has a bonus aura of deranged obsession though. I think of him as an upside down toilet brush, mostly due to the hair.

Tucker is pure gold. And my beloved Jack is becoming such an uptight ninny. Why did we need a flashback of Kyle ordering flowers and jewelry for Audra? What an oddball way to fill time.

Kyle very much overrates himself, but I suppose since he’s gotten his bouffant sprung by Audra, he’s feeling a confidence boost. Getting a high level job at the company your family owns is barely an achievement, buddy, but congratulations on escaping your deranged sister wife.. Little does Kyle realize that dopey Daniel has summoned a demon to interfere with his newfound freedom. Speaking of achieving career success, I know I’ve gotten a number of lucrative jobs just sitting at breakfast across from a swizzle stick. Of course, these excellent, informal job offers come right on the heels of my current employer stopping by the restaurant to pretend some ridiculously bad idea of mine is actually prospering. Very relatable content.

I like Audra and I like Adam. While they seem like a good match on paper, something isn’t working for me. It’s like… their energies don’t match, I guess? Audra seems very extroverted while Adam is very inwardly directed and brooding. Besides, knowing the writing on this show, Audra would end up stealing McCall from him and fucking Nick.

Yes. And now I’m going to impugn other characters, as is my wont. Shut your fucking face, Sally. Buttbiscuit is more tolerable to me than you are, which is an absolute scriptwriting war crime. You should be sympathetic, but your attachment to an ambulatory armpit fart curb stomped that possibility. Treating Adam the way you do is an ugly, ugly look and so is your obvious jealousy of Sharon and Faith. Please, show, no more scenes of Sally and Nick hunkered down in that depressing room, making cow eyes while awkwardly stroking each other’s limbs. As if it’s not lovely enough to watch Sally treat Adam like Genoa City’s greatest monster, Victor is trash talking his son to Audra out of one side of his mustache and asking Nick to help Adam out of the other. Chelsea’s game would be a success in the same way Nick would be a reigning Jeopardy champion. Chloe is a tad late to the Pay Tribute to Chelsea tour, but better late than never, I guess. Lol@Summer thinking she totally burned Audra on her way up the stairs. I bet Audra could chew Summer up and spit her dumb ass out. It seems like Daniel has decided to say “fuck it all” and drop a Mom bomb right on his sister. Holy shit, I just realized how stunningly stupid Nick’s hair is. Dude, no.

Free advice for Jack Abbott, scones not included: Don’t leave money, Afrin or wives where Billy can see them. Don’t stick your dick in crazy. Don’t ever, ever choose Summer. Ever. Is Kyle a bland disappointment, walking around with a duck’s butt on his head, mooning people via poultry? You’re damn skippy he is. He’s still better than his toxic dipshit wife. I think Marchetti will probably be fine without Summer’s sepia-toned vision. Don’t ruin my love for Jack, show. You’ve ruined so much already.

I had to work yesterday due to the holiday today, and I’m very sad to learn that I missed the scenes of JG running headfirst into the limits of his imagination. It must have been spectacular. Why in the fuck does every character on this show have to work at a corporation? We used to have two whole doctors on this show! Now we have Nate achieving an almost sublime level of unlikeable smarminess. Sally the fashion designer was shoehorned into Newman and sexually harassed by a superannuated dick-in-a-box who’d be competing in the Pocket Pool League, Midwest Division if not for his last name. Wasn’t Diane an architect? Why doesn’t Sharon actually, like, I dunno, use her psychology degree in a pastry-free environment? JG must think business stories are easy to write and just a matter of assembling a collection of bullshit corporate buzzwords. He clearly thinks we’re dumb enough to find it interesting and believable. Shoving everyone into the same job is boring and lazy and he keeps doubling down on it. Dig up, stupid!

Goodness me, I’m so delighted that Nick has nobly returned to his job as Sally’s self-appointed social secretary. Does Cameron’s company make whoopie cushions or truck nutz? If so, Sharon has definitely found someone to unload it on. Speaking of loads, I wonder if Jack had hip waders on under his pants with the way he was shoveling bullshit at Summer. Creative force behind Marchetti? Summer is only creative when it comes to creating fantasies about who her mother is and what she’s done. Kyle is 1000% right to cut ties with the toxic Summers women. Why the people who ostensibly care for him want that horrible hot mess in his life, I do not get. Let his bouffant roam free, Jack and Mariah. Didn’t interesting things used to happen on Fridays?

Soap operas are supposed to make the audience feel something, otherwise, what are we even doing here? I’m not too proud to admit that I’ve loathed that turd Nicholas through multiple writers. Still, fuck JG. He’s magically made most of the characters unlikeable at various times.

I can definitely see HK’s Summer running a high powered lemonade stand, managing a Claire’s in the mall or possessing the grit to lead a gang of pre-schoolers in a revolt to replace their juice boxes with Capri Sun. Her persuasion skills might be limited to forcing teachers to respect the pouch (RESPECT IT!), but all actors have their limitations.

Dead. Chance needs to take off all his clothes and arrest WhitneyWhit. JG doubling down on his hateful, willful ignorance of situations like Sally’s just to shit on Adam enrages me. Hey, dummy, women watch this show. I’m starting to wonder why I do, what with the dead cat, misogyny and ham-fisted efforts to paint Phyllis as anything less than a soulless felon. A masterful summation of JG’s writing style. Everything goes in circles, swirling around a porcelain opening until the level of suck manages to drag all the floaters into the sewer.

Boes, that was a true masterpiece. How did we not see this before? Diane’s plot is like the onion Victor carries on his belt - layer upon layer, each one more pungent than the last. If only Diane could snap her fingers and turn JG’s scripts to dust. I felt he spoke for me when he responded to Ashley’s deranged babbling about Jabot with “who cares?”

Please don’t have Chance sleep with the dummy who is obstructing his investigation. Don’t reward Summer for being an asshole. Did I miss something with the Diane/Summer/Kyle flashbacks? Why not just show us what happened when it happened? That was entirely weird and tedious. Tucker isn’t wrong about Ashley’s obsession with Diane. He is, however, wrong about Ashley being better than that. She’s not. Today was pretty dull, though I do hate to complain about a Nick-free day.

I feel slightly bad about it, but I’m starting to loathe Sally. When Adam was alone and replaying the whole baby saga in his head, it blew my mind how cruel Sally has been to him. And Nick is too much of a chickenshit to just say “Hey, I’d make the same exact choice.” There’s a pretty decent story to be had with Garbage Ape and Adam joining forces at McCall to give Side Part and Victoria a corporate wedgie. It doesn’t need any Sally angst. Tucker makes for a great peanut gallery. He’s a man who knows how to enjoy the simple pleasures of living in Genoa City. Even Nick is busting out What Would Neil Do? sermons. I wouldn’t make too much of the previews of Jack telling Diane she lied to Kyle again. She probably told Kyle his high rise hair looked amazing, and now poor Jack is wondering about all the times she complimented his swoosh.

Ninja once again misses ten minutes due to her mother. It’s a long, sordid tale that fortunately doesn’t end with radioactive blue veneers and flapping chicken wing arms. Adam: So, can I do anything right? Like at all? Sally: No. You make me sick. @@@@@@@@@ Nick: Me Nick. You Nate. You bone my sister. Not my job. Nate: I’m an innocent lamb. Nick: You’re a shady motherfucker who did his cousins dirty. Nate: I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face again. Nick: I can’t believe I’m actually making a good point. @@@@@@@@ Nikki: I know all about being dickmatized. Victoria: I’m just a good, decent sister who shows compassion by shivving her brother at work. Nikki: Nope. Victoria: How dare you question me and my business instincts, peon. @@@@@@@@ Adam: I have an addiction to debasing myself. Let me explain the situation again, even though you purposely refuse to get it. Sally: I actually do get it, but I have to pretend to not understand anything about human reproduction because the writer is a fucking idiot with no access to Google. Adam: Okay, so you pretend to be a wall and I’ll talk at you until you throw my ass out. Sally: Thank you. It’s good to have a supportive partner in this deeply insulting, misogynistic farce. Adam: Let’s get stupid. @@@@@@@@@ Victor: I smell the subtle scent of tension. Nikki: Your daughter is fucking over your son, just the way you like it. Victor: It used to thrill me more, but I’m coming up on my first millennium and find myself longing for a more relaxed existence. I have ridden great mammoths, given Napoleon Bonaparte a titty twister and once pelted a tsar with a snowball. Now I wish to chase metamucil with whiskey and enjoy my family, k? Victoria: I also wish to support my family by giving Nick time and space to be gross with Sally. Nikki: You didn’t need time and space after Assland. You needed work.to distract you. Victoria: Oh my god, you guys, it’s not even the same thing! Nick killed Assland. Sharon killed Cameron. Boom. Victor: Don’t piss on our legs and pretend it’s raining, k? Nicholas can balance grossness and work, yougotthat? Nikki: This is the work of Nate Hastings. Victoria got sprung and is feeling herself a bit too much. Not in the same way Nick feels himself too much. Victor: And now he has so much time on his hands, he’ll give himself carpal tunnel oiling his piss funnel. Victoria: Well, if you meanies don’t like the way I run this company, fire me! Waaahhh! Victoria storms out. Victor: We touched a nerve. I dislike the implications. Nikki: The implications that your daughter is making decisions based on how Nate is putting it on her? Victor: … @@@@@@@@@ Nate: Your sister and I don’t have some clandestine master plan to usurp your position. Nick: Grrrrr. Big words bad. Nate: There’s no scheme to throw you out of the company. Nick: Right. I bet Vic has already installed you as interim CEO. Nate: No, but if she decided to, that’s her decision. Nick: Ah-hah! Busted. You mean it’s her dicksision. Jesus, even after my ordeals, I’m still fucking hilarious. Nate: Can I play the friend card? Nick: You lied to me, buddy. You’ve lied twice about Elena. Sure, I’m a low down, cheating dog who can’t really judge your wandering peen. But I judge your corrupt business moves. Harshly. Nate: I didn’t go through with my plan. Nick: La dee da and pardon moi while I fart the national anthem. There is a conscience under that side part. You know who else was my friend? Saint Neil. You need to stare hard at his picture and absorb his virtues. Nate: Is there anything I can do to make you less of a dick? Nick: Stay in your lane. Stay out of mine. Keep your ass parked at Newman Media, but not in the loading zone or fire lane. Nate: I respect where you’re coming from. Okay, not really. I’mma do what’s best for Natey Nate Nate. Nick: Grrrrr. @@@@@@@@ Adam: Wow. They are really doubling down on this ridiculous “choose you or the baby” nonsense. Sally: I’m afraid I’m going to have to accuse you of sacrificing the baby to satan. Adam: It’s really embarrassing to go all in on medically ignorant garbage storylines this way, but I’ll give it my all. Sally: I will earnestly pretend that an emergency C-section was your call and that you did it to get back together with me. Can someone in this hospital get me a pooper scooper? There’s a real piece of shit in here. @@@@@@@@ Nikki: I’m sorry I keep mentioning your daughter’s sex life. It clearly bothers you. Victor: This is Victoria’s plan, yougotthat? Nate is happy to go along with it, and that troubles me deeply. Nikki: He’s pond scum. Victor: Adam murders his own daughter, we almost lose Faith, Cameron is killed and through all of this, everyone is fucking around. Katie and Johnny are headed to boarding school in the fall, I only see Christian when I need my tires rotated, Summer is an asshole… didn’t I teach my progeny to stick together? Nikki: I’m sure they took your lesson to heart. Unfortunately it was the lesson in knifing each other to win your approval. Victor: Well, I’ll be damned. @@@@@@@@ Audra: Adam Newman, amirite? I haven’t trolled you yet. Adam: Do i know you? Do I even care? Audra: I work at Newman Media. You and your piddly ass company are supposed to be challenging us. Adam: Word gets around. Audra: Everyone knows the exploits of Adam Newman. You’re pretty much the town’s litter box. Adam: Solid research. And you’ll soon be in charge of my rival while Victoria plays hide the paperweight with Nate Hastings in the executive suite. Audra: Hmmm. I rarely meet anyone in Genoa City with an adequate shit stirring game. Adam: It doesn’t do me any good. I’m always forced to lick the spoon. Tucker: Well, well, well. Am I interrupting a high level business meeting? Adam: Fuck off, dude. Tucker: I was going to offer my condolences on the loss of your child. Adam: I’m not discussing my personal life with you. I’m going to my room to play Sally being breathtakingly hateful to me on a loop in my head. Tucker: There’s a downward spiral. Probably good news for Newman Media. @@@@@@@@@ Victoria: You didn’t waste anytime, dickwad. Nate: It’s okay, Victoria. Nick was just showing me his Donkey Kong impression. Nick: Yo, shady plans tend to crash and burn. Peace out, suckers. Nick slowly backs out of the room while flipping Nate and Victoria the double bird. @@@@@@@@@ Nurse: Here’s your discharge forms, Ms. Spectra. Someone will be in shortly to explain why we’ve slapped the stillbirth certificate right on top. Sally: This is one fucking weird hospital. Nick: It’s me, your hero! Sally: Oh thank god. You’re the sweetest man I’ve ever met, the honey in my hive, the sugar on my cookie… you are the shining exemplar of modern manhood. Nick: Whoa, how did you know my dick was shiny? I found a laminator in Nate’s office when I was rubbing his keyboard all over my bare ass. I had to try it at least once. Sally: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Nick: Oh, so… oh yeah. How are you feeling? Sally: Like shit. I just want to get out of here. Nick: You coming to live with me and Christian? I could really use the help sliding meals through the mail slot on the door going into the garage. It’s not such a big deal since I put a vending machine in there, but climbing into the sewer really made my back sore. Sally: He’s so lucky to have you and not that monster Adam. Nick: Adam… I won’t keep trying to get you to forgive him because that might work against me. I will also never find the nards to admit I’d make the same exact decision he did. Sally: I’d like to go back to my favorite place, my room. I’m just really looking forward to hiding in there with you again, developing a codependency and playing with my Adam Newman dartboard. Nick: You mean your Adam Newman fartboard, right? Lololol. @@@@@@@@ Tucker: Meh. Don’t poke the bear. You think I’m a cad? Well, Adam Newman is Darth Cad. Audra: I’m not scared of him or anything else. Tucker: Sighs. I could have done so much for him as a mentor. Ah, well. I hear you’re about to become the Queen of Newman Media. Audra: Well, Nate may need to step up and help Victoria, so someone will need to captain the ship at Newman Media. I’ll have some motherfuckers swabbing decks in no time. Tucker: Uneasy is the head that wears the crown. Be careful what you wish for. Sorry, Devon bought me a Neil Winters Cliche of the Day calendar. Audra: How are you doing at the Abbott zoo? Tucker: Still flying high. The engagement is continuing, but… Ashley is about to start a shitshow at Jabot. She’s trying to oust Jack, and I have to tell you, she’s only going to step on a rake. Audra: Ouch. But aren’t you interested in getting Jabot? Tucker: I used to be, but the battle for a legacy company isn’t one I wish to join. It’s much more invigorating watching it all unfold. @@@@@@@ Victoria: Here’s a bold idea: let’s prove everyone wrong by making you interim COO. Nate: My pants are really tight all of a sudden.

Traci: OMFG, I get to talk. Zelda: I’ve been your agent for a zillion years. Traci: I could use a break from Genoa City. Zelda: I couldn’t help but notice the asshole population density is through the roof. Traci: And that’s just the Abbott family. @@@@@@@@ Summer: Kyle! ‘Sup homeslice? Kyle: Oh shit, I’ve been made. I’m going to work. I’m in a hurry. Summer: Have you heard the hamster story? I don’t quite understand the plot twist with the graham cracker but - Kyle: Heard it while tucking Harrison in. Summer: Breakfast? Kyle: Haven’t been hungry since I ate that shit sandwich at our wedding. Summer: Let’s talk about us. Especially about me and my feelings. @@@@@@@@ Ashley: Hey, Buttbiscuit. I’m continuing my relentless campaign against Diane. Billy: I’m continuing to freeball while I work. Nothing like luxurious fabric jostling your nuggets during an epic spreadsheet session. Ashley: We must preemptively destroy Diane before she destroys Jabot. Billy: Hold up. I need to get my hip waders on. @@@@@@@@ Jack: This press release about giving Diane a cushy job is such a solid idea. My penis has never led me astray. Emily: We should schedule a photo session with Diane. I feel this town could use the lesson in classy dressing. Jack: Agreed. It pains me to see men walking about in lumberjack shirts. Emily: Shall we mention your upcoming wedding? Jack: Well, people aren’t going to catch on to the nepotism on their own. @@@@@@@@@ Traci: Ashley is planning a coup in plain sight. She thinks Diane is playing Jack for a fool. Jack thinks Tucker is playing Ashley for a fool. I don’t feel comfortable telling Jack I want Tucker to stick around because he makes me a divine cappuccino every day. Zelda: And you haven’t written a bestseller about these loons because…? Traci: The house is full of tension. I just want to run to New York, find a smart, sexy guy and get my popcorn popped, you know? Zelda: Why don’t you? Traci: It’s my lot in life to be a jackass wrangler. One day, I might be as talented as my father at it. Traci fondly remembers John Abbott and his healthy and functional relationship with his family. Can you imagine Victor having a scene like this with Victoria? Neither can I. @@@@@@@@@@ Kyle: What is there to talk about? You’re an asshole. A lying asshole. Summer: Your pompadour is stoopid. Kyle: Excuse you? Summer: Uh, I said your mom forgave me, so, you know, doesn’t that mean you have to? I think that’s how it works. Kyle: Are you on crack? Summer: Like, I’m sorry. I apologize. I admit that I lied for goo- for reasons that don’t cut it. Kyle: This isn’t talking. This is you trying to convince me that you’re not the asshole I’ve realized you are. You spent weeks sleeping in another room, listening to me beg to console you. You needed time. Well the hole is in the other ass now. I need time and space to process how much of your mother’s bullshit I’m willing to tolerate coming out of your pout spout. Summer: I’m implementing a new quirk called the “bobblehead.” It reveals my internal struggle to not say the dumbest, most selfish thing possible. Kyle: Ta ta, turdbasket. Diane: I didn’t want or mean to eavesdrop, but, um, I guess I’m sorry your idiocy about me caused all these issues. Summer: Apology accepted. To make amends, you should help me get Kyle back in line. Diane: Well. I could use the lulz. @@@@@@@@ Billy: Ashley, the thing is, Diane is not a supervillain. She’s not the Joker, and you’re not Batman. Tucker is not Robin. I am, however, the butler because that gives me access to the Batcave. Ashley: Do you have any concept of reality? Billy: Eh. You’ve got to stop obsessing over shit that hasn’t happened yet. Ashley: Do not. Billy: I’m Team Jack. We’ve even got matching varsity jackets. You come for Jack, I’ll snort you like I’m an aardvark with its nose stuck in an anthill. Your team is your stolen sperm baby and…. uh… well, it’s very impressive. Ashley: Ohhhh look at Big Boy Bidness Baby sitting in his high chair, sucking his thumb with his shiny apple cheeks, all beholden to his bro. Billy: Yo, I’m a five star fuck up and you’re making my skin crawl with embarrassment. Be better, Ash. Ashley: You are underselling how dangerous Diane is. It’s probably because you’re a stupid prick who doesn’t know shit about shit. Billy: Is this Tucker filling your head with anti-Diane propaganda? He’s just goading you into this power play. Ashley: Sexist pig. I can come up with bad ideas on my own, thanks. I will make sure Diane never harms this company. Billy: Tucker has wanted this company ever since he came back to Genoa City. He tried to get Diane to feed him info, but she said no. Ashley: Whatever, asslicker. Diane lover. Touch hole. Shitdip. Billy: Enough! You’re making me look mature. And if you think I’m going to let Tucker steamroll his way into Jack’s CEO position, you’re even crazier than I thought. Jack: Well, it’s nice to hear someone defend me. Ashley: The boy’s club is closing ranks on me. Pardon my silly little lady brain for daring to form opinions. Billy: This whole shitshow is swimming in misogyny, but this is strictly about you acting like a huge butt. Ashley: What the hell do you know? Mr. Passed Out Drunk in the Snow at 16. Ha ha. I’m not deliriously petty. Jack: WTF? Ashley: You lost the company yacht, which no one told you to buy. Wasn’t that when you were eating strawberries off your sister in law’s tits? Jack: Don’t talk to him like that. We have an agreement where I get to pull his thong over his eyebrows whenever the mood strikes as penance for his Phyllis sins. Billy: Uh-oh. Traci has called a family meeting. She better let me get some cliches in edgewise. Ashley: I have also been summoned. This would be a great chance to recruit more soldiers for my coup. Jack: When we get there, everyone pretend we don’t know what it’s about. Traci loves that. @@@@@@@@ Traci: I must awkwardly and senselessly insert my agent into this family gathering. Billy: Remember when I visited you in New York and we ate at that little Armenian place? God, I’m so sophisticated. Zelda: It was very avant garde of you to order the tater tots with ranch dip. Billy: Hey, to be fair, I was only 25. Zelda: I shall take my leave now. I don’t even know why I’m here, to be honest. Ashley: Alright, so everyone who wants to replace Jack with a hand puppet, put your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care. Jack: Eat a bowl of bison nuts. Traci: Stop it! Whatever happened to kindness, you rotten fuckers? Sorry. Diane, Summer, could you leave us alone to hash this out? Jack: Diane is about to become my wife and Summer is, well, Summer is our asshole-in-law. Ashley: I should invite Tucker. Traci: What would our dad say if he could see us at each other’s throats? He was a fair man who believed in redemption and second chances. Ashley: You keep his name out of your damn mouth in Diane’s presence. She is not worthy to be in the same room as his children. Diane: I won’t ask anyone to choose sides, but Jack’s team has cool jackets. Billy: Dad always said to me, Billy, could you stop being such a dumb bunny? I think there’s a lot to be learned from that. Ashley: Dad always did have the best advice. He never stopped telling me that beauty was only skin deep. Jack: Yeah, he really knew just the right thing to say in every situation. He was always reminding me that I didn’t need to marry anything with a pulse. Ashley: I’m sorry. Dad would probably tell me to let it go, but he’d never crossed paths with a demon like Diane. And he never respected the sheer joy I got from pooping on Jack. Diane: Yeah, I’ll step out now. This might need to become an intervention for Ashley. Summer: I’m following my new bestie! Jack: I… I suppose I could stop pretending to push up my non-existent glasses with my middle finger when Ashley walks by. Ashley: I put a dead fish behind your hubcap, Jack. I wanted you to believe Diane was a serial killer and hid the decomposing bodies of her victims in your car. Traci: I feel so optimistic now. I can fix your issue too, Kyle. Kyle: Did you just hear Aunt Ashley? Her crazy isn’t fixed. Traci: We all want to know how you’re feeling. Also, I’m going to tell you that you must absolutely forgive Summer. Do you want to be consumed by bitterness like Ashley? Kyle: I love that you have such an open heart, Aunt Traci, but it doesn’t mean you have to open your mind and let your brain fall out. I don’t know that Summer would have told me anything if I hadn’t caught her with Phyllis. Jack: Sure she would have. Summer’s as honest as they come. Kyle: I gotta go. Billy: Me too. I’m not one of Dina’s kids and no one is clamoring for my woo woo self help bullshit, so fuck all y’all. Traci: I need to chitchat more with my agent. You two talk it out and share warm memories of our dad. Ghost of John Abbott: Don’t waste time with your agent, sweetheart. Go claw my granddaughter’s heart out of Victor Newman’s chest. My beauty, Tucker is a huge step up from that old bag of piss and vinegar, even if he is shady as hell. Jackie, stay away from Phyllis. Billy, I’m sorry about the recessive nostrils gene that has long shamed the Abbott family. Your great-great-great grandfather made his fortune being held by his two legs with his nose hovering inches above the ground. They called him the Human Vacuum. We could have patented the idea, but he might have been burned as a witch. Kyle, get a haircut.

Logically, I know Nick is getting the royal shaft at work. Victoria is giving me acute second hand embarrassment with how easily Nate is working her for Garbage Ape’s job. Side Part has never killed a stalker husband for her. It would be kind of interesting to have Nick work with Adam at McCall, if only their relationship didn’t have the stench of the Sally triangle all over it. Plus I can’t imagine Adam’s company needs a Chief Flea Picking Officer on the payroll. The Bluetooth Saga has been strangely absent. Maybe JG is hoping we’ll all forget that Phyllis deserves to have the law come down on her like a ton of bricks.

So, Nick, the human stool sample, sees that Sally has just experienced a shattering loss and decides that now would be a great time to spring a major life decision on her. I guess she won’t see Christian that much, unless she needs her car’s windshield squeegeed. Nick’s brother has also experienced a terrible loss, so naturally it’s the ideal moment to really sink his hooks into the woman Adam loves. Why this show keeps doubling down on such a wretched couple or pretending the sun shines out of Nick’s hairy ass, I will never know.

I really like the character of Elena and I resent the bag of shit she was handed to act out. She just would not do or say the things they had her doing and saying. This storyline has been utterly toxic to all involved. I’ve been mulling over what fucking point the writer thought he was making by having Nick repeatedly say “that’s what a father does” while his daughter was rescued and then showing scenes of Adam being forced to make his choice. The implications of that juxtaposition have been bothering me.

Sharon seriously hasn’t changed out of that damn dress yet? I keep reading about the grieving parents goody bags being given out, and I have to ask, does JG live on this planet? Has he ever, you know, met and interacted with human beings? I wouldn’t let Nick wipe his ass with these scripts.

Chance is the only member of the police department, just like Elena runs the hospital by herself. Everyone else is taking a paycheck from Victor Newman to dress up in security outfits and do nothing. Sally sounded like a kid asking for her daddy when she was accusing Adam of shutting Nick out. I don’t think a pull-my-finger joke is going to cheer her up.