The Raccoon: Because Who Wants Advice From a Crab?

[OnceSane]

Discuss our favorite animal counselor (and any new ones) here!

[JenE4]

I don't really understand this topic, but maybe if you were a crab or raccoon in Paradise, what advice would you give the contestants? I'm going with that! ;-)

 

Ashley I: You need deep therapy to figure out what happened to you in your childhood that you're emotionally stunted at this crybaby, virginal, Disney princess, chicken nugget stage. Did your parents divorce when you were, say, 5?  If not, what other big, emotional life event happened between the ages of 3-6? The last 20 years of tears are all stemming from the tears you've held in from that event.

 

Ashley S: I'll need to pass you along to my psychiatry partner to take a look at your medications. Yet, you seem to have been stabilized and came out of the hospital acting more lucid than we've ever seen you, so kudos to those Mexican doctors!

 

Tenley:  I understand that it's devastating when the person you think you're going to marry leaves you and then knocks up some stranger! I get it, girl. Ouch! But kissing JJ just to get a rose?!? This is your rock bottom. Go home and join eHarmony.

 

Clare:  You don't even have the same excuse as Tenley of reeling over a devastating heartbreak. Yet, maybe part of the issue you're having with meeting someone is that you're afraid to go after the guys that you're interested in and settle for the likes of Mikey. Look at your life. Look at your choices. And then make different ones!

[MrHufflepuff]

Well, if we're giving advice like a racooon....

 

Ashley I:  Your shrieking and crying is just like the way we hiss when someone tries to chase us out of their backyard.  Keep at it girl!  You'll be able to claim Jared, just the way my family claimed the scenic garden over there.

 

Ashley S:  You like parakeets?  So do I!  They are tasty!  Yum!

 

Tenley:  Kissing JJ to get a rose is just like the way I root around in the garbage.  Only you get a rose, and I get some tasty discarded Cheetos!

 

Clare:  Aim for the discarded Cheetos, girl!  Why are you settling for year-old stale Sour Patch kids that everyone forgot about and were shoved in the back of the pantry until they were thrown out?

Edited August 5, 2015 by MrHufflepuff

[MrHufflepuff]

More raccoon advice:

 

JJ:  Are you storing food in your cheeks?  I do that too sometimes!  Oh... you're not storing food in your cheeks?  Oh, my.

 

Lauren I:  I mate with several females during mating season, just like your boyfriend!  He sounds like a catch.  I can see why you left for him.

 

Ashley I:  We all have to let our siblings go at some point.  I had to let my sister go when she was run over by that Chevy Impala on the interstate.  Just pretend that's what happened to your sister, and you'll feel much better.

 

Joshua:  I'm glad you fixed your haircut.  It reminded me of that time I had mange.  Forget about Molly, though.  Catnip is where it's at.

 

Jonathan:  You've got to mark your territory, dude.  Just use the glands on your butt for that.  Oh, humans don't have those?  Hmmm.  Okay, well you'll have to use words or something I guess.

 

Now, where's my wine?

[MrHufflepuff]

JJ:  I would date a trash bag too.  Trash bags are full of yummy trash!  But why would you rather date Megan than a trash bag?  Trash bags are full of yummy goodness, while Megan is empty inside.

 

Joe:  Your dead, soulless eyes remind me of my cousin's eyes... after he was stuffed and mounted over some dude's fireplace.

 

Ashley S:  Crabs are just as yummy as parakeets!  I don't know why everyone else thinks you're crazy.

 

Julia:  Look, I'm a raccoon trying to type in English.  Don't ask me to have to memorize the dumb spelling of your name too!

 

Samatha and Joe:  I'm not quite sure what you were doing in that pool, but I'm pretty sure that's going to scare away all the fish.

 

Oops.  I have a call on my cell.  Gotta take it.