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You're the Worst Quotes

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Ack, I can't believe we don't already have a quote thread for this show! I am going to have to rewatch this season for all the awesome quotes so I can post them here!


Lindsey: Are we feminists? Is this feminism?
Gretchen: We're just running away from stuff. I don't think that's feminism. It's fear.

Lindsey: Gretchen, Ty is famous. Also he's a total dog so he's never going to want you to meet his gross Polish parents or tell you about his squash games or ask you to shave his butthole.

Edgar: Fun hipster shit is just poor Latino shit from ten years ago.

Lindsey: I’m not a sidekick! I’m Beyoncé, not Kelly Rowland. If I’m on a motorcycle, I’m driving the motorcycle, not riding in that shitty little side motorcycle thingy for poor people and dogs.

Jimmy: Genesis. Good. But not until you tell me if you are a Peter Gabriel or a Phil Collins.
Gretchen: They're both good.
Jimmy: What?
Gretchen: I like them both. What's the big deal?
Jimmy: The big deal is that you cannot like two things which are diametrically opposed.
Gretchen: Huh. And yet I do.

Jimmy: Sean Connery or Roger Moore?
Gretchen: Daniel Craig. Update your references, old man.
Jimmy: Daniel Craig? He looks like an upset baby!

Gretchen: I like the Tarzan soundtrack and I like the crappy Vampire Weekend song that name checks Peter Gabriel. I'm down with it all. Why does this bother you so much?
Jimmy: It's just such a lazy way of living. "Put it in my vagina or my butt. I don't care."
Lindsey: Sometimes you want both.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • Love 1
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  • 11 months later...

Edgar: I have to be at work really early tomorrow.
Jimmy: Are you talking about making me breakfast? Because I wouldn't call 10am "really early."

Lindsay: Hot awesome sex foxes are supposed to leave rich nerds, not the other way around.

Gretchen: I thought we could do butt stuff tonight.
Jimmy: Fantastic!

Gretchen: Cool. Let's add cocaine to the butt stuff.

Lindsay: You can't leave! I love you.
Paul: Do you even know what love means?
Lindsay: Yeah, it's like, "Hey, I love you," smooch smooch, "Now go make me some bagel bites."
Paul: Love isn't about having somebody to get you things. Love is putting someone else's feelings above your own. Do you think you could ever do that? Honestly?
Lindsay: EW!

Gretchen: Why are you yelling at me? What are you doing in my house?
Honey Nutz: We had a lunch meeting. Just three dudes sitting alone in Chin Chin like weirdos.
Gretchen: Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping much.
Sam: Do I look like a FitBit? I don't give a shit about your sleep. What I give a shit about is the unfathomable fact that you, bitch, do not respect my brand.
Honey Nutz: Our brand.
Sam: Whatever.
Gretchen: I'm here, Sam. What do you need?
Sam: I need you to act like a human person and pick up your goddamn phone when I call your stank ass!
Gretchen: I'm sorry. My cell gets terrible reception now that I moved to Jimmy's.
Shitstain: You moved in with Jimmy? I need to talk to you later. I'm thinking about locking things down with Jacqueline.
Sam: Take this. That's your God phone. You pick that shit up when God wants to talk to you or you wish to talk to God.
Gretchen: Yo Mobile? They sell these at my dispensary. Guys, I have a work number.
Sam: Uh uh. Sleepy bitches lose their right to use normal people phones. [sweeps her landline off the desk into the trash] Sleepy bitches only get to use phones made for hookers and drug addicts and irresponsible garbage people!

Jimmy: For your information, we did a ton of cocaine last night.
Hipster bitch: That's cool - if you're a day trader in the 80s or my dad's new wife Brenda.
Gretchen: What do you assholes have?
Hipster dick: It's this new synthetic thing. Belgian. They use it to chemically sterilize horses.

Gretchen: Eat shit, haters!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • Love 1
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Edgar: Okay, what nationality was Chopin [pronounced "choppin"]?
Lindsay: Who the hell is that?
Gretchen: Piano guy.
Lindsay: Eww.
Edgar: Just guess a country.
Lindsay: Whatever. Delaware.
Gretchen: Delaware's a state.
Lindsay: Ugh, state, country. Ooh, Europe.
Edgar: Polish. [pronounced like polish as in "shoe polish"]

Edgar: Sport and leisure.
Gretchen: What's the first letter on the typewriter?
Edgar: A.
Gretchen: Wrong. Q.
Edgar: Q?
Lindsay: Q?
Edgar: Why Q?
Gretchen: It just says Q.
Edgar: Why would Q be first?
Lindsay: Hardly any words use Qs. Qs are like the elbows of letters.

Lindsay: Who was the first man in space?
Jimmy: Easy.
Gretchen: Hmmm, let me see. Louis Armstrong? Buzz Lightyear? The name Kurt Loder is coming to mind.

Edgar: Charles Dickens wrote what 1837 novel about the plight of street urchins?
Gretchen: Annie!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
  • Love 1
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Lindsay: You're so lucky you live near water.
Gretchen: You live half a mile from the ocean.
Lindsay: Ugh, seagulls, sand dollars, fat people in blankets drinking orange soda. No thanks, ocean.

[phone chimes]
Lindsay: Ooh, another dick pic! And forwarded. Online dating is so fun.
Gretchen: Who are you forwarding them to?
Lindsay: This gay porn site pays me ten bucks a dick. I have a job!

Gretchen: I was a little worried about you after Paul left.
Lindsay: I'm not gonna lie. It's hard when you reach over in the morning and there's no one there except for the sandwich you fell asleep eating.

Edgar: Whose house is this?
Paul: My biking buddy Connor. His wife Mimi died recently and I wanted to make sure he wasn't alone.
Edgar: What happened?
Paul: Recumbent bikes have many good qualities, but sometimes they're hard to see from up high.
Edgar: Oh no.
Paul: The driver of the semi never even knew she was there. Poor thing was dragged three miles. I've never seen Connor pedal so fast. He kept motioning frantically for the truck to stop but the driver thought he wanted him to honk. She was actually alive until the semi got on the freeway.
Edgar: Well that's the most terrible story-
Paul: The sad thing is, Mimi didn't want to go out that day because her safety flag had been stolen outside the junior high but Connor told her they could stop at the bike store after they raced to Starbucks for tea.
Edgar: Please, give my condolences to-
Paul: The really sad thing is that Connor wanted to let Mimi win because her impetigo had been flaring up again. That's the only reason she reached the intersection first.
Edgar: I don't need to hear-
Paul: The extra sad thing is the whole time she was being dragged towards the onramp, she was texting Connor. Her phone still accessible in its holder on the handlebar, you see. I saw the texts. They're quite chilling. You had something you want to talk about?


Lindsay: My date tonight is everything Paul is not. He's tall, he's thin, he's dumb. And he's fun too. He spells "titties" with a Z.

Gretchen: You're not still pregnant are you?
Heather: I think so.
Gretchen: Ewww, I'm sorry. I hate that. I mean, if you're willing to drive to Whittier, there's this place you can just walk in. It's near a Marie Callender's. We can make a day of it.

Heather: Cory, I'm pregnant. Could you not?
Cory: Not smoke at a party? No, I cannot not smoke at a party. Can you not bring your unborn tummy worm to a party?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
  • Love 2
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  • 4 weeks later...

Jimmy: Have you noticed something's up with Gretchen?
Edgar: You mean how she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night?

Jimmy: You just look a little tired.
Gretchen: Cool. Thanks. Your dick's a weird color. Catch up again tomorrow?

Gretchen: Sam released Shitstain's chinchilla into Griffith Park. This feud's out of control.

Edgar: Why don't you just ask Gretchen where she's been going at night?
Jimmy: Poor ignorant Edgar. You don't just drop your accusation on a perp without gathering proper forensic evidence first or they're likely to blow. NCIS: LA.

Lindsay: My toast is still bread!

Paul: Why haven't you cashed any of the checks I sent?
Lindsay: Cash a check? Who am I? Lee Iacocca?

Shitstain: On this last [song], Sam called me the black John Turturro.
Honey Nutz: He called me skinny fat.
Sam: Y'all told Fire 103 I let a dude suck my dick.
Shitstain: You did let a dude suck your dick!

Sam: I could take a dookie that would chart higher than anything I ever did with Crustache over here and Mr. 800 on his SATs.|
Honey Nutz: I told you that in confidence!

Lindsay: How's a person supposed to know they have to put oil in their car?
Jimmy: There's a little oil can light on your dashboard.

Lindsay: Now I don't have power. I don't have hot water. I don't have tv. I'm like a frontierswoman. I'm like Reese Witherspoon in that commercial for backpacks.

Jimmy: I heard about this cool new bar that's opening in Hollywood.
Gretchen: Cool new bar in Hollywood? You like old gross bars in sketchtown.

Aecht Eau bartender: That one originates from Germany but we've separated the hydrogen molecules and infused them with lavender.
Gretchen: Yeah, okay, but what's in it? Is it gin?
AEB: This is a water bar.
Gretchen: What now?
AEB: Serves the finest artisanal water from around the globe.
[points to the menu which reads:]
Pinna Carus
Bello Acoua
Grennifer Chevalier
Dell'Abate Farms
Phantasie Wasser

Gretchen: Ty! You opened a bar - kinda.
Ty: Yeah, well, not alone. Adam Levine, Swaggy P, and I were in Las Vegas talking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Interesting thing, actually -

Jimmy: You and I need to talk.
Sam: No shit. Your girl's been sending me banana ass texts all day.
Jimmy: Actually, I sent those messages. Look, just tell me. Are you her side bitch?
Sam: WHAT? Hell no! Bitch eats floor candy! Ain't seen a foreign film in a decade.
Jimmy: Do you know why she has a burner?
Sam: Oh, the God phone? I gave her that because sleepy bitches don't deserve regular phones. She didn't tell you about my clever speech? Now I'm gonna go hit up that girl with the booty jorts over there. She looks hydrated as hell.

Vernon as Paul: Your bazoongas are epic stupid.

Jimmy: So why do you bring the phone?
Gretchen: I like to play Snake while I cry.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Jimmy: You just look a little tired.

Gretchen: Cool. Thanks. Your dick's a weird color. Catch up again tomorrow?

So many good lines in "Side Piece"—thanks for taking the time to preserve them for posterity! I especially liked the way they set up this one by having Edgar ask Jimmy if he should neg Dorothy, his improv teacher.

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From "There is Not Currently a Problem":

Gretchen: We can walk!

Jimmy: What are we, New Yorkers? Bad New York accent: Oh, fuggedaboutit. Let's walk and get a pizza bagel with Mayor Giuliani [pronounced with a hard "g"].

Gretchen (to Dorothy): You're what this town calls a "tweener." You're not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.

Lindsay: You already did me!

Vernon: Do me, do me!

Gretchen: I can't tell him my brain is broken.

Lindsay: Gretchen, you have never been this much your disgusting self around anyone. I would have killed to let Paul in on all my gross secrets, but I was too ashamed of them. Like how I like to drink soy sauce. Or how I once sucked Malcolm-Jamal Warner's dick at Barney's Beanery. If anyone's gonna be okay with who you are, it's Jimmy. You guys went into this both knowing you're total creeps, so don't start keeping secrets now. Wear your stains on the outsides of your clothes, Gretch. Tell him.

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Computer: Hello. Nine to sell you.
Paul: Oh, no, dang it.
[Paul taps touch screen]
Computer: Nice to send yogurt.
Paul: I'm still working out the kinks in this thing.
Lindsay: Why are you in a wheelchair? Did Amy do this to you?
Paul: I'm Stephen Hawking, the famous cosmologist.
Lindsay: A crippled guy who does makeup?

Lindsay: A doctor costume for ladies? Fake.

Lindsay: Paul said I give up on things real easy. I don't do that, right?
Gretchen: Interior design school, Cardio Barre, season 2 of House of Cards. You even quit Ralphs rewards club because you couldn't handle the commitment.
Lindsay: What? I'm going to carry one of those shitty little plastic cards on my keychain like a poor?

Jimmy: So have you found anything yet?
Gretchen: I'll just wear these [butterfly] wings.
Jimmy: You can do better than saddest girl at the rave.

Edgar: I haven't had sex in three years.
Jimmy: What? Omigawd.
Edgar: Dorothy's meeting us later and, well, we've gotten close.
Jimmy: How close?
Edgar: Over the bra.
Jimmy: So not close at all.
Edgar: Please don't tell anyone.
Jimmy: Oh, believe me, I won't tell anyone you touch girls over the bra. It's too embarrassing.

Gretchen: So why did you put a murder tour on your list?
Edgar: I'm totally into murder. I love it so much I became a soldier. You can murder anyone you want.

Jimmy: I'm sure someone entrenched in the comedy world will know what my costume is.
Dorothy: Drop Dead Fred. Century 21 salesman of the month. The bassist for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Gay Wolverine.

Gretchen: The grand finale?
Edgar: Yeah, it's Italian for big final.

Medical conditions listed on the haunted house waivers:
Edgar - PTSD and tinnitus
Lindsay - cockaholic

Sign at the haunted house:
Warning - individuals with sensitivities to light, fog, strobe lights, complete darkness, small enclosed spaces, stairs, loud noises, water, physical contact, and yelling should refrain from this experience

Sunday Fun Day list:
1. Get costumes
2. Hollywood murder tour
3. Biggie seance
4. Spice Girls drag show
5. Haunted corn maze
6. Break into old hospital
7. Egg Paul's house
8. Crash Adam Levine's party
9. Extreme haunted house

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
  • Love 3
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