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Four Quotes and a Meme

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Bernard: "Although it shows great promise, we regret that we are unable to publish it at this time." It said "great promise."
Caleb: That's what they say when something's bad, Bernard.
Augie: That's what you said in my report on The Aeneid.
Caleb: I'm sorry, Augie. It sucked.

Maya: Did [Ted] try to sing Despacito?
Lanie: Yes, but I cut off his mic before he got to the rap part.

Haroon: I pray for Salman. Imagine the tragedy of having a son who is a comic book artist.
Kash: I think it's cool he's following his dream.
Haroon: Thank Allah your dream was investment banking.

Maya: It's like when people ask me, "Where are you from?" But what they really mean is, "You look kind of black. Explain."

Zara: Craig, put your costume on! Or don't, and we'll just say you're Will Smith in Hitch.

Zara: It's really tough being a mistress. So much sneaking around.

Maya: Nothing good ever came out of a guy hiding in the bushes at a kids' soccer game.

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Gemma: Cufflinks? 
Ainsley: Donate.
Maya: What's a men's shelter going to do with cufflinks?
Gemma: Oh, so the poor shouldn't care how their wrists look?

Ainsley: I just I have too much to do. I have, like, 300 thank you/sorry I didn't get married notes, and then I have to take everything back to Kash's dad's house.
Gemma: No, no, no, no, no, my sweet. We'll do it. I'll write the thank-you notes, seeing as I have my master's in calligraphy.

Zara: Alexa, what's our schedule for today?
Alexa: 11am, teeth whitening with Craig. 1pm: go through Craig's wallet.

Maya: Were you stalking Kash's Instagram?
Ainsley: Look at this caption from six months ago. "Doesn't get better than this." What does that mean? That everything that came after that trip was a disappointment?
Maya: No, it means he's basic and bad at writing Instagram captions. Hey, stop torturing yourself.
Ainsley: That's easy for you to say. At least you know why things ended with Ted.
Maya: Yeah, he cheated on me in a very public way. You know what? You're right. I am lucky. What a cool guy.

Gemma: Quentin, I've been at this for hours, and I'm only on my sixth card. My hand is a frozen claw.
Quentin: Well, darling, what is it we always say to Giles when faced with a difficult task? Quit.
Gemma: No, I can't. I promised Ainsley, and I can't get shown up by Maya. She's trying to steal my best friend.
Quentin: Adults with best friends. How horribly American.
Gemma: You only say that because all your best friends disappeared on safari.
Quentin: I'm sure they'll turn up.

Host: What color are the benches in the House of Lords?
Haroon: Trick question! There are no benches.

Host: What was the original profession of the writer Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Haroon: Trick question! He was a character invented by Sherlock Holmes!

Haroon: This game is rigged against me! Never once a question about Pakistan or old coins!

Craig: I'll try to be quiet, but American talking is British screaming.

Ainsley: Every time a relationship has ended, I've always known why: mooch, possessive, kisses his mom on the lips, is Russell Brand. But with Kash, I don't know why.

Tony 2: When I was 14, I fell madly in love with George Michael, knew everything about him. Likes: cross earrings. Dislikes: famine in Africa. In my mind, we were one.
Ainsley: Okay, what does this have to do with me and Kash?
Tony 2: I'm afraid you knew your fiancé less than I knew George Michael, whom I never met.
Ainsley: Excuse me, we were soul mates.
Tony 2: Okay, so, what did you get him for his birthday?
Ainsley: Whiskey stones and an iPad.
Tony 2: Omigawd, that's such a great gift. 
Ainsley: Yeah!
Tony 2: If he were your stepfather.

Zara: I need to talk to you.
Caleb: Omigawd, I'm naked!
Zara: Well, if you don't want me to see you naked, don't take a bath in my tub.
Caleb: But we don't have tubs at Peath and they make the teachers use the boys' showers and the showerheads are so low that I have to sit on a stool.

Craig: My girlfriend is not my confidante. My girlfriend is who I impress with fancy restaurants and make laugh with my seven jokes.

Craig: This person is a man, an adulterer, a politician, and a huge asshole.
Maya: Uh, Anthony Weiner.
Everyone: Ted Spencer.
Ainsley: Ooh, this guy. Yep. He's a total fraud, he's a senator, and I wish he was dead because he screwed over Maya.
Everyone: Ted Spencer!
Caleb: My turn. Oh, okay, this guy sucks. He's like a monster and a total pervert.
Maya: It's Ted. They're all Ted, I get it. You've made your point.
Caleb: That one was Harvey Weinstein.

Maya: Guys, I'm not getting back together with [Ted], okay? I am just going [to meet him tomorrow] so I can end it forever and get some closure.
Craig and Ainsley: Boo!
Craig: Closure isn't real. It's something women invented to pester the men who dumped them.

Kash: You went to Disneyland Paris.
Basheer: I didn't just go to Disneyland Paris. I met Lumière, Le Cars, Goofy was there as well. Can you believe that? It was a sick day.

Basheer: I always thought you were going to be an actor.
Kash: Nearly did. I did a lot of theater at Cambridge, but after graduation, I had to get a proper job.
Basheer: Yeah, I feel you. That's why I work at a cell phone store even though my passion is DJing.

Caleb: I just wanted to know if your offer to see Angels in America was still on the table.
Tabby: Oh, they canceled it after opening night. The administration decided it wasn't appropriate for a 13 year old to play Roy Cohn.

Craig: I think I could be a great dad. I tell boring stories, I love golf, I use Rogaine.

Zara: I can't believe you would do this to me on my birthday!
Craig: It's not your birthday.
Zara: It is my birthday month! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Maya: Why wouldn't you go with me to Stonehenge?
Ainsley: It sounds dorky, like Lord of the Rings.

Ainsley: Did you and Dad have a nice time in Bali on my honeymoon?
Mrs. Howard: He got terrible food poisoning. He's resting in the hotel. He can't eat exotic food like rice.

Mrs. Howard: I knew [Kash] was trouble from the beginning and not because he's Muslim. I like Muslims. I watch Dr. Oz every day.

Craig: All the actors I knew in college ended up dead or working at a Hard Rock Cafe.

Quentin: Why wasn't Ainsley there?
Gemma: I don't know. Maybe she's injured. Americans are so cavalier about crossing the street here because we have free healthcare.

Maya: Of course England is run by old white men. England invented old white men.
Quentin: We never talk about all the good things old white men have done, do we? Like abolished slavery, gave women the right to vote.

Maya: How dare he imply that I slept my way to the top?
Ainsley: Of course you didn't. 
Gemma: Not at all. Being a politician's assistant hardly qualifies as the top.

Quentin: When I go to the club, I usually just sit in the steam room until my newspaper wilts.

Kash: Abu, you have to take better care of yourself.
Haroon: I do. I eat salad. I wear my Fitbit.
Kash: Wearing it is not the exercise. You have to walk too.

Ainsley: I am trying to make this business more efficient, so what would you say your main responsibilities are here?
Tony 1: Um, picking the store playlist. Inspiring you to take hair risks. Interpreting your dreams. Just like, generally being here and, like, vibing.

Caleb: Did you love my book or did you love-love it?
Tabby: Okay, well, let me begin by saying I am honored you let me read this.
Caleb: Just be honest and don't hold back.
Tabby: Okay, well, my honest assessment is that it's far too long, oddly plotted, and very self-indulgent.
Caleb: Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. I can feel a "but" coming.
Tabby: Well, I just feel the protagonist masturbates far too often.
Caleb: Yeah, well, he doesn't. He masturbates a normal amount so it's probably just gender bias.

Gemma: But you hate shopping.
Quentin: No, no, I love it. Why have a shirt tailor-made when you can buy one other people's bodies have touched?

Quentin: Also, I think my nails could do with some attention. I would love for them to be more triangular and reflective.

Maya: Did you hire me because you thought I might sleep with you?
Pierce: Maya, how dare you ask me a question like that. I am a feminist. My sister is a lesbian.
Maya: Look, you might be a creep, or maybe you're just some nice guy with boundary issues, but I'm sorry, I can't work here cause even if I succeed, part of me will never be sure it's for the right reasons.
Pierce: You were the one who approached me in the gym wearing a sports bra. What message did you think you were sending?
Maya: And there it is. Thank you for confirming I was right.

Craig: From Once Was Plenty. Have you ever looked into the canyon and had the canyon stare back at you? In his 30 years as a park ranger, Ulysses Vance had never felt so utterly alone. 
Caleb: Craig, are you crying? Is my book good? 
Craig: No.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Caleb: I always felt like I was going to be a famous novelist, but if I die tomorrow, like, what would my obituary say?
Ainsley: Latin teacher dies of autoerotic asphyxiation.
Caleb: Gawd, Ainsley, that's not what you thought it was! I was practicing to tie a tie!

Maya: Did you sleep at your desk?
Marcus: That's absurd. I slept under my desk on a dog bed.
Maya: What? Why?
Marcus: Uh, because my salary was recently cut in half to accommodate a foreign job thief. I've had to take on two new roommates to make rent, and they're in a steel drum band.
Maya: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to screw you over, but this is the only government job I could get. I even applied to be Meghan Markle's decoy.

Gemma: I thought we'd do it here.
Sidney: In Notting Hill? This is a funeral, my dear, not a street carnival. Besides, our family do have very specific traditions.
Augusta: We'll commence with Sidney reading the epic nautical poem, The Barnacle's Lament by Bertram Thorpe-Bloode in 1805.

Aldridge: Ms. Conners, I'm not sure we can prosecute your landlord for being a peeping Tom if you answer the door in the nude.
Ms. Conners: Why not?

Zara: I'm a virgo by birth but a gemini by choice.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Ainsley: I can't believe I am sitting on the bed where you and Duffy had sex.

Ainsley: [Duffy]'s always been in love with you. Haven't you at least thought about it?
Maya: Sure, I've always thought he was cute. And then he'd show up to graduation in a Jedi outfit, and I'd be like, "Uh, never mind."
Ainsley: Okay, is that worse than Ted? Or that jerk who cheated on you with that girl who looked exactly like his sister?

Gemma: Can you believe Giles and I took the tube here? It was quite a thrill. Someone drew a phallus on an advertisement.

Gemma: What do I pack [Giles] for lunch? Steak? Raisins? I'm overwhelmed.
Ainsley: Oh, girl, my mom used to pack me cottage cheese and a picture of Miss America for inspiration.

Paul: I knew you'd been using my cologne! I write my name on the bottle for a reason, dimwit. What, you can't read or something?
Duncan: Hey, you know I can read. I just told you I started Percy Jackson.
Paul: You and Percy both got a lot in common cause you're both thieves.
Duncan! Hey, dude, spoiler alert! Don't you get it? I just wanted to smell like you. I love the way that you smell. 
Paul: You do?
Duncan: Yeah. I love everything about you.

Tony 2: That spells "breath," honey, which is gross. You need an E on the end for "breathe," which is merely trite.

Gemma: To be honest, I could use a little peace and quiet. I'm so sick of Giles making us watch these dreadful films made of drawings.
Ainsley: Cartoons?

Zara: When our lips first touched, it was like lightning striking.
Garrett: Yeah, or that lightning that makes a sound. 
Zara: Thunder, babe.
Garrett: Yeah, thunder. Like Thunder from Down Under. You know, I was in that.

Duffy: I was just thinking to myself if I could go back in time and tell 19 year old Duffy that one day I'd be lying in bed next to you, I would not believe it. 
Maya: That's what you would do if you could go back in time? You wouldn't, like, kill Hitler or tell John Travolta how to pronounce Idina Menzel?

Tony 2: I have to leave early. I'm hosting a Love Chalet party.
Ainsley: Oh, okay, fine. I am going to my own Love Chalet party at Craig's, so don't feel bad about not inviting me to yours.
Tony 2: I would never invite you or feel bad.

Ainsley: How would you describe your design aesthetic?
Harper: Expensive and spiteful.

Craig: It'll be just you, Maya, Duffy, and my kale salad, just in case Duffy orders from that Thai food place that I hate.
Kash: Maya will be there? And Duffy, too? Yeah, I'll try and make it.
Craig: Awesome. Hey, and do you mind bringing napkins, ice, paper plates, plastic forks, and two microwavable safe serving bowls?

Maya: You're still living with your dad?
Kash: Uh, yeah. Still at home. But not in, like, a sad man-child way. My dad's not been well which is still sad, but in a more traditional way.
Maya: Oh, gawd, Kash, I'm so sorry. Is everything okay?
Kash: Uh, yeah. He just can't be a 68 year old diabetic with a cake-based diet.
Maya: I don't know, you kind of just described half of America, and we're number one.

Maya: Omigawd, it's Craig in a Speedo!
Love Chalet host: Following a heartfelt appeal, the producers have allowed Zara's ex, Craig, one last chance to plead his case.
Ainsley, Maya, and Duffy: Oh, no.
Craig: Zara, you said that I was too private and secretive, and you were right. So here I am, in front of the entire world. I'm going to tell you all my secrets. 
Ainsley, Maya, and Duffy: No. Oh, no. No, no, no.
Zara: Craig, that's not necessary. 
Craig: No, it is the only way. I'm not 5'10". I'm 5'8". I get silicone butt injections. I sell Magic: The Gathering cards online under the pseudonym CraigtheFlyWizard69.

Duffy: Look, dude, I'm not going to let you sit here and wallow, okay? Tonight we are going out and getting crazy.
Craig: "Out" like when you take me to TGI Fridays for the 2 for 20 deals or "out" like the club?

Nani: It's not gambling when you know you're going to win.

Kash: Where'd you learn to fight? Prison?
Maya: Worse. High school. I worked in an Oakland McDonald's.

Customer: Don't you love these [giant letters]? So full of whimsy. And you can spell anything.
Tony 2: I know. Isn't the alphabet amazing?

Garrett: When that motorcycle crash ended my exotic dancing career I just thought, like "What is the point?"

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Zara: We're getting married in a real palace. Queen Elizabeth I grew up there and they used it in a toilet paper commercial. And the best part of it is-
Craig: Love Chalet is paying for it!
Zara: No! The best part of it is our wedding is going to be on tv!

Duffy: It's such a beautiful night. You know, minus the dampness and cold.

Zara: Maya, I'm sorry you can't be a bridesmaid. You're too pretty. Pippa situation.

Kash: Let me guess. American girls are always like "vodka soda, splash of cranberry."
Maya: No, I would never order that. I only drink, um,  Kahlua and tomato juice.

Ainsley: Why did Duffy post a picture of Sylvia Plath and then write "mood" underneath?

Basheer: Have you ever considered film? Or are you more of a stage actor?
Kash: Bruv, I'm a banker with a headshot.

Basheer: This is a side hustle economy. Look at me. I own a mobile phone shop. I'm a DJ. I sell these dope bracelets on Etsy - 100% rat leather.

Basheer: Everybody's got to start somewhere. Before she became famous, Cardi B was a stripper. So was Channing Tatum. Wait, should you strip?

Duffy: Come on, Ains. It's Craig, the guy who pretended to be one of Beyonce's backup dancers so you could get backstage.

Duffy: You're not going to get another chance to see Craig get married - unless you watch it on tv or stream it live on the Love Chalet app.

Craig: Do these pants make my dick look too big?

Bryce: I sunk the boat I named after my wife. Now I have to fish off the dock.

Maya: I've been at the American table, the black table, the ex-girlfriend table but never the spinster table.

Gemma: Quentin never cared much for weddings, but he did like to make fun of the other guests.

Guest: What's a lovely bird like you doing at the singles table?
Gemma: My husband died.
Guest: Right. Carry on then.

Gemma: I heard the maid of honor's toast is just a dirty limerick.

Duffy: I'm going to tell Maya that I love her and I want her back in front of everyone. Go big or go home.
Gemma: Oh, you should go home.

Gemma: This says she wants to run her fingers through his dark hair. Your hair is dirty blonde.
Duffy: That's because it's been lightened by the British sun.

Gemma: That's how you smoke? You look like Sandy from Grease.

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Marcus: Do you want me to have a whack at it? I just think I might have a better sense of his voice than you do.
Maya: Oh, is that why he doesn't let you tweet for him anymore?
Marcus: No, that's because I accidentally spelled parliament wrong.

Maya (whispering): I'll have to call you back.
Recruiter: We get it. Sixty percent of the calls we get are from people hiding in office bathrooms.

Bash: I would give everything to make things right between you and me.
Kash: What are you talking about?
Bash: I'm not going to lie to you. What I'm about to tell you could threaten the very foundation of our friendship.
Kash: Bruv, I already know about you and Fatima. It's all over your Snapchat.

Bash: Are you sure you don't want to just hit me with your car? I heard it's a much more cathartic process.

Garrett: Maya, I'm so happy to see you! Did you know that you and the poet Maya Angelou, you share the same first name?
Maya: Yes. Yes, I did.
Ainsley: Garrett's really good at figuring out which celebrities have the same name as you.

Garrett: I can't go to gay bars. It's impolite to give a boner that you can't reciprocate.

Giles: Can you sign my test, please?
Gemma: A hundred percent on your Latin test? That's very good! "Brad Pitt played Achilles in which film?"
Giles: Troy.
Gemma: "What is your name in pig Latin?"
Giles: Iles-jay.
Gemma: Well, what idiot teacher would put together a test like this?

Duffy: How was your honeymoon?
Craig: I don't know what you heard about Antarctica, but it is COLD!

Marcus: Enough. Julie Andrews would be rolling in her grave.
Maya: Julie Andrews is still alive.
Marcus: No, you're thinking of Julie Christie. I'm right.

Gemma: What the hell is this?
Duffy: It's an A plus. The kid's a nerd.

Duffy: I'm kind of going through some stuff right now.
Gemma: Well, snap out of it! These boys are counting on you. How are they going to survive in the world without a thorough grasp of Latin?

Gemma: I don't pay a small fortune so that Giles can sit and listen to his teacher complain about how women hate him.

Maya: Two appletinis, please.
Bartender: This isn't a movie. This is a real gay bar. Order a normal drink.

Ainsley: I know you think [Garrett]'s dumb. And he is. But in his defense, he only eats one meal every two days. And it's not like we're dating. I barely even know him.
Maya: So you're like strangers with benefits.

Maya: Hi, Andrew! What a fun surprise. Do you come to G-A-Y often?
Andrew: I like the subtlety of the name.

Tony 2: Since coming out, you've completely forgotten about people like me.
Andrew: I think you're mistaken. My voting record is impeccable.
Tony 2: Yes, on issues like cutting inheritance tax for millionaires and keeping Britain British. You may have been brave once but now you only help rich old white people. You're a gay dinosaur. That's why everyone calls you LGBT-rex.
Andrew: That's enough. I will not be spoken down to by a man in a mesh top.

Ainsley: Do you know how hard it was to design a home for a gruff monosyllabic oil man?
Bryce: No.
Ainsley: Very hard. I want compliments.

Andrew: Why do I hire young people if they can't prevent things like this? You're supposed to keep me awoken.
Marcus: Do you mean woke?
Andrew: Do I? How dare that man say that I only help people like me? How do you explain my support for the women's flower club or the children's library bus? Do I look like a woman or a child, Tony?
Marcus: It's Marcus. My name.

Andrew: I just hate that people might think I'm the bad guy. I'm not the bad guy. I voted for Black history week.
Maya: Month.
Andrew: A whole month? Well, that's wonderful.
Maya: I'm thrilled that you're concerned about this. I would love to help you change your image.
Andrew: What do you suggest?
Marcus: Maybe you could pair a suit with some fun sneakers.

Headmaster Mould: Mr. Duffy, it true you told a parent if they disliked your teaching style, they could transfer their student to "Saint I Don't Give a Shit"?
Duffy: Headmaster Mould, I'm kind of going through some unprecedented relationship trauma. Would you ever consider a paid sabbatical?
Mould: No. This academy stayed open during the blitz. A maths teacher confronted a German paratrooper and beat him to death with a trigonometry book. The point is you're not getting time off just because some girl you dated for a month has dumped you.
Duffy: How did you know that?
Mould: Because you told everyone!

Mrs. Ali: Well, we lost our local authority funding a couple of years ago and we haven't been able to raise enough money to do the repairs.
Andrew: That's just heartbreaking.
Marcus: You voted for that austerity, sir.
Andrew: Well, this is exactly what I'm looking for. I'd like to personally fund the renovations of this whole theater. How does the Andrew Aldridge Hounslow Community Theater sound?
Marcus: Or should it be the Andrew Aldridge Ethnically Diverse Community Theater for Low Income Urchins?

Maya: This is Marcus's project. He should be the one to see it through.
Andrew: Yes, but you already have a relationship here. Plus given the optics, you're a little more au courant.
Marcus: Are you saying I'm too white?
Andrew: Legally, I'm not allowed to say that, but yes, that's what I'm saying.

Gemma: Will you please stop yelling in a public square? This isn't Italy.

Gemma: Oh, shut up and get over it. You're a hollow of a 30 year old man in stained trousers who doesn't like his life. You can try to blame Maya or Tabby or me, but the real person you should be blaming is yourself. I say this as a friend - get your shit together, YOU IDIOT!

Maya: Contrary to what Andrew thinks, I didn't get into politics to help him decide which tie makes him look less racist.

Andrew: I'd like to apologize.
Tony 2: For what? Brexit? Austerity? Fracking? That waistcoat?
Andrew: Oh, no, I'd never apologize for this waistcoat. I've had it since university and I've never had to let it out.

Ainsley: Your honeymoon photos are just outtakes from Fifty Shades of Grey.
Gemma: Were you at a nudist colony?
Zara: No, this was just Heathrow before we left.

Maya: [Andrew]'s now sponsoring the renovation of a community theater in Hounslow because of what you said to him.
Tony 2: Are you sure it's not just a front so he can force immigrant children to polish his silver?

Andrew: I became an MP thirty years ago. Back then we didn't have what we have now - marriage, adoption. Sam Smith would have been forced to marry Adele.
Tony 2: But think of the wonderful Christmas album they would have made.

Marcus: That was the greatest thing I've ever seen and I've seen Chicago 78 times.

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Kash: So you've lived in London for several months and you still haven't had proper fish and chips?
Maya: I guess I'm rarely hungry for two kinds of grease at the same time.
Kash: Okay, we need to remedy this. That's like going to America and not being in a competition with your friends to lose your virginity. 
Maya: What?
Kash: I haven't been. I just watch films.

Maya: I wish my dad would remarry. I know he doesn't want me to feel responsible for his happiness, but how can I not? 
Kash: Oh, you're lucky. My dad's very clear that I'm solely responsible for his happiness. "Kashif, why is it not called Goldman, Sachs, and Khan? Can you ask? It would mean so much to me."

Kash: We don't have to date. We can just hang out.
Maya: No, no, no, no, no. I used to "hang out" with my married boss.
Kash: I promise you this will be totally platonic. I just think we owe it to ourselves and to whatever this is to spend a little more time together. That's all I'm asking.
Maya: Like we're researching to test the hypothesis that we should be together?
Kash: Exactly. See? You've already made it sound very unsexy.

Ainsley: I thought you hated Marcus. Since when do you care about him? 
Maya: No, I mean, I guess I did at first, but then he, you know, kind of grew on me over time. Like, you know when we first met Craig?

Craig: Nigel, it's nice to meet you. Zara says you're the most expensive publicist that contacted her.
Nigel: Guilty. I told Zara when she walks in here, she'll be a woman. But when she walks out, she'll be a brand. But we have to act fast. Right now you're white-hot but reality fame doesn't last long. I mean, we've already forgotten about Cazzandra. 
Craig: Who's that? 
Nigel: She happens to be the winner of Stripper Party. She also happens to be my wife. You need to think about how to monetize your brand. What product would you like to endorse?
Zara: Mmm, a car that can fly.
Nigel: More like a product that exists. Wine, shapewear, yogurt to help you poop.

Maya: Andrew, you can't vote yes on this immigration bill.
Andrew: Calm down, Che Guevara. Even with my vote, it won't pass.
Maya: So you just want to be on the wrong side of history for fun?
Andrew: This is politics. Only by voting for this bill can I gain the support I need for my passion project.
Maya: And what is that? Elbow-patch preservation? A retirement home for foxhounds? 
Andrew: No. Restoring Britain's historic bridges. Did you know that the girders of Blackfriars Bridge haven't been scrubbed since the Great Smog of 1952?
Maya: And for that you're willing to ruin the lives of thousands of innocent immigrants?
Andrew: No, but I'm willing to pretend that I am.

Andrew: I will be bringing a guest Tony, my boyfriend.
Maya: Wait, you're dating Tony 2? And he knows? 
Andrew: Yes. Why is it so hard to believe that I have a boyfriend? I am a member of Parliament, and I have my original hair.

Craig: Hey, did you know it's bad to buy blood diamonds?
Kash: Yeah, dude. The word "blood" didn't tip you off?
Craig: Are Bloody Marys bad? What am I supposed to drink for brunch?
Kash: You're right. That's exactly the same thing.

Kash: A casting director who saw me in The Sound of Music got me an audition.
Craig: Oh! That's amazing! What what's it for? Star Wars? A Marvel movie? 
Kash: A TV commercial for depression medicine. 
Craig: Just as cool.

Ainsley: Things are sort of weird with [Bryce] right now. 
Gemma: Why? Did he realize your rustic chic style is mostly overpriced junk from the flea market?

Gemma: It does not take five months to decorate a two-bedroom house. I mean, it's just ordering furniture from a catalog.

Ainsley: I was just in the neighborhood. I thought we could grab lunch. 
Maya: Oh, thank gawd. I've been listening to this one slurp ramen for the last 45 minutes.
Marcus: Uh, sorry, that's offensive. You know that eating loudly is my greatest insecurity.

Andrew: I just want my friends to like you.
Tony 2: What's not to like? I'm a gay man of color who enjoys pointing out class discrimination and hypocrisy.

Rupert: What do you think of the Lady Elaine orchid, Tony? Are these hothouse flowers worth all the trouble?
Tony 2: Oh, I love her. Lady Elaine is a high-maintenance girl. I completely relate.

Kash: I was thinking maybe you'd want to come with me.
Maya: Oh, uh, I don't know. It's a wedding, something you bring a girlfriend to.
Kash: Yeah, but this is a Muslim wedding. There's no alcohol, no slow dancing. It'll be like going on a date in the Footloose town.

Maya: Now this dinner celebrating Lord Whitmore - is that a man or a flower?
Andrew: Don't be ridiculous. It's a female horse.
Maya: Of course.

Craig: How'd your dad take it when you told him you got fired? 
Kash: Oh, I haven't. Tonight's Basheer and Fatima's wedding and he's still mad that I'm not marrying her. I have to stagger the disappointments.

Zara: Mmm, the Yorkshire puddings are ready. Perfect. Just like my nan used to make on cold winter mornings.
Craig: I thought you said your nan died in a knife fight at a Sex Pistols concert before you were born.

Marcus: I think I know you pretty well. I've seen you eat egg salad with your fingers.

Ainsley: What was the name of my first true love?
Bryce: Adam Brody from The O.C.

Duffy: You're never going to get this one, but, uh, what is my favorite novel of all time?
Gemma: Dragon Master Seven.
Duffy: No, no, no, no, no, no. It's, uh, Moby-Dick.
Zara: Okay, zero points for Gemma and Duffy.
Gemma: No, he's lying. It's that porno dragon book you're always reading. 
Duffy: No, no, no, no!
Gemma: It's in your satchel right now!
Duffy: I literally have no idea what you're talking about. 
Gemma: Oh, really? 
Duffy: Yes, I really don't - 
Gemma: Let's have a look, shall we? 
Duffy: No, no! Okay, fine! Yes, yeah, that's my favorite book. But it is not porn, okay? Cause the dragon, it has to take the princess's virginity in order to fly!

Ainsley: Okay, fine. So maybe I'm slightly attracted to Bryce. But I don't want to date him. I didn't move to London to be with some old American guy with no style or culture. I could have just stayed in Texas and dated one of my dad's friends.

Bryce: Why would I want to be with somebody who deigns to be with me against her better judgment and despite all my flaws?

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Zara: Is everything okay?
Craig: I just have something I need to tell you.
Zara: You don't believe in vaccinations? Me neither.

Craig: I love when the right thing to do is also the easy thing to do.

Maya: What's wrong?
Gemma: Bryce overheard Ainsley insulting him last night and then she went over to his house to try and fix it and continued insulting him.

Ainsley: He makes me feel like Like I don't have to try so hard, like I could peel and eat shrimp in front of him and he would still look at me the same way.

Gemma: Did you sleep in your clothes or do you just wear the same thing every day?

Gemma: So what should we do for dinner tonight, boys? Thai food and a movie?
Giles: Yes. We never finished Coco because Mr. Duffy was crying so much.

Marcus: If [Andrew] voted against his own party, it would completely scupper his bridge restoration project.
Maya: Who cares about bridges? This bill affects thousands of innocent people.
Marcus: Oh, so you're willing to prioritize immigrants you've never met over bridges you drive over every day? Wow. Just wow.

Maya: Back when I called you, I was really unhappy at work, but now I'm just, like, mildly disappointed.

Zara: I don't really need a lawyer. I lied to your secretary because I needed to see you.
Julia: So you didn't break your neck falling off a booze cruise? 
Zara: I did, but many years ago.

Kash: You're always talking about how much you love [New York], how it has better sandwiches, better tap water, and better rude cab drivers.
Maya: Yeah, but it doesn't have you.
Kash: No, but maybe I could move there.
Maya: Really? Are you serious?
Kash: Why not? You can do your dream job, and I can be on Broadway. I mean, selling hot cashews on the street, but still technically on Broadway.
Maya: Maybe it's not such a crazy idea. I mean, if tonight with Ainsley goes as badly as I think it's going to, giving her some space might be a good thing.
Kash: Wait, so are we moving to America? Should I read the Wikipedia article about baseball?

Gemma: Are you boys all finished? 
Giles: Mortui sumus. That means "we're done" in Latin.
Duffy: No, it doesn't. I'm so sorry. You don't have to pay me for today.
Gemma: Nonsense. I accidentally ordered these Garfield checks, and you're the only person I feel comfortable using them with.

Ainsley: So tell me about yourself. Do you do you have any hobbies? 
Bumble guy: What, outside of banking? Well, uh, I'm in a fantasy banking league. Is sex a hobby?

Maya: There's something I have to talk to you about.
Andrew: You've been offered a job in America and you're going to take it.
Maya: Wait, how how did you know that? Oh, gawd, is the office bugged?
Andrew: They called me for a recommendation, but, yes, most of the office is bugged.
Maya: You gave me a good recommendation?
Andrew: Yes, well, despite the, uh, frequent lapses into baseless sermonizing and self-help babble, you're good at your job.
Maya: Thank you. And I've learned a lot from you, sir. You're a good man. You're doing the right thing tonight with the vote.
Andrew: Oh, good. Assurances from a communist.

Maya: I can't wait to show you New York. It's just like London but with bagels and sometimes you see Matthew Broderick.

Maya: I don't have to take this job.
Kash: No, no, come on, you are not putting your career on hold for a man. We all watched The Wife at Basheer's.

Andrew: what about the Scottish rebels? Angus and Fergus assured me they were voting no.
Rupert: We got lucky. I was able to pull the Scottish MPs by promising them a James McAvoy meet and greet.

Giles: I miss Mr. Duffy. Wait, you're not him in a Mrs. Doubtfire costume, are you?

Tony 2's mom: Antoine, a butler from a cartoon is here to see you.

Andrew: Do you mind if I come in? I don't feel exactly safe in this neighborhood.
Ainsley: We're in Notting Hill. 
Andrew: Exactly.

Zara: Can we name her after my grandma?
Craig: Which one? Lucy or Dorcas?

Marcus: You have eight minutes to make your way to the vote.
Andrew: I know what the division bell means, Marcus. I've been voting since before you were born, since George Michael sang about women.
Marcus: Okay. Oh, and just so you know, uh, my parents are immigrants.
Andrew: Oh, Marcus, I didn't know.
Marcus: Oh, no, they should not have been let into the country. Terrible people. Oh, no, you're doing the right thing, sir.

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Duffy: As you can see, my belief that all you need for a good wedding is two people who truly love each other was wrong.
Gemma: We really need your help, especially you, Ainsley. We know you can make this place look better. Actually, we may only need you. I mean, I guess Craig can carry stuff.

Ainsley: Where's the nearest restaurant?
Craig: Hooters.
Zara: We had breakfast there. It's a good one.
Craig: Yum.

Ainsley: What were you guys thinking for music?
Duffy: I have a nephew who's a Soundcloud rapper named Lil Fuckface.

Haroon: Damn it, Margo, give the boy a ticket.
Margo: I would if I could, Haroon, but there are no tickets.
Haroon: Take off the girl with the fake service dog.
Kash: How do you know it's fake?
Haroon & Margo: If you're not blind, it's fake.

Duffy: Please sit down, dude. How many weddings do you have to ruin?

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