SMILQ: Single Mom I'd Like to Quote

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jesse: What are you doing here?
Bridgette: It's, um you know what, it's Larry's birthday tomorrow, and so I just went to get him some goodies.
Jesse: Oh, my God, you had a kid, and you named him Larry Bird.
Bridgette: Why? You think I should change it?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bridgette: What happened to you at Harvard?
Casey: What do you mean?
Bridgette: I don't know. Harvard's made you- 
Casey: What? 
Bridgette: Just like, you're just different.
Casey: Different?
Bridgette: Yeah, just like, you know.
Casey: Well, in high school, I was different.
Bridgette: You were not. 
Casey: I was, I was. 
Bridgette: No, you were not.
Casey: You didn't see that part of me because I was studious.
Bridgette: You were not studious. I wrote half your papers.
Casey: That is true. Yeah, and you helped me write my college essay, which was very good.
Bridgette: I wrote your college essay. I spent a whole weekend writing that. I stayed up very late.

Angela's Ashes audio book: Worse than the ordinary, miserable childhood is a miserable Irish childhood, and worse yet is the miserable Irish Catholic childhood.
Tutu: That says it all, right there.
Bridgette: Isn't every childhood miserable? Except for Larry's.

Joe: This [cartoon] is like 'Nam again. Every week, somebody's dead.

Edited January 5, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo
Typo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nelson: You're such an entrepreneur, baby. Sometimes I feel like I'm dating Jay-Z, which is kind of insane because Beyoncé's all over my vision board. 
Bridgette: Your vision board?
Nelson: You need one. Everything amazing in my life I manifested through visualization.
Kit-Kat: Yeah, she's pretty much a life-size vision board now, so-
Nelson: Seriously, before I became a part of the creative process, my life was just-
Nelson & Kit-Kat: Bleh. 
Nelson: It was awful.
Bridgette: I find that hard to believe.
Kit-Kat: Well, believe it. She was stuck in Sydney taking tours at the zoo wearing cargo pants and a turtleneck.
Nelson: It was awful. I ballooned up to 100 pounds.

Craig: It's the land of the free.
Bridgette: You're rich or you're stuck.
Craig: This is the master of your own destiny. It's America.
Bridgette: You sound like every teenage boy I've ever written a college application essay for.

Craig: Did you have any childhood music heroes?
Bridgette: Mmm, I don't know. Britney Spears.
Craig: That's not who you want teaching you to be a woman.
Bridgette: Hey, she has turned her shit around.

Edited January 5, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo
Typo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bridgette: I just wish I didn't have a pussy to grab.
Eliza: Well, maybe you need like a chastity belt. Like in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Bridgette: I pee too much.

Bridgette: You know what? How come that guy can walk around without a shirt on? 
Eliza: I would love to spend a day with the confidence of a mediocre white guy.

Nelson: You know, I've always wanted to do one of these. 
Bridgette: Shut the fuck up. 
Nelson: What? It's strong and powerful, and strong and powerful women are super on trend right now. 
Eliza: I'm not really interested in being on trend.
Rafi: I don't think it's a good idea, guys. I can't have Larry's mom breaking a bone, and you, baby, I don't want you to get hurt.
Bridgette: What do you mean, you can't have me breaking a bone?
Rafi: I don't think it's a good idea.
Bridgette: What, is it, like, up to you if I break a bone or not?
Rafi: I just don't want you walking around all crutched up, you know what I'm saying?
Bridgette: You know what? Fuck you. And fuck those dude bros. I'm done with shit getting done to us. We're doing this.
Eliza: "We"?
Bridgette: We are doing this.
Eliza: Fuck it. If I can eat through my lap band-
Bridgette: You can do anything.
Eliza: Yes! 
Bridgette: Oh, yeah! 
Nelson: Muscle Man! 
Bridgette: That's right! Now we can go topless!
[Eliza and Bridgette get in the car]
Eliza: What the fuck did we just agree to do?
Bridgette: I don't know. It's like we're in a bad Goldie Hawn movie from the '80s.
Eliza: I don't go to the gym. I don't work out!
Bridgette: I know! What, I'm gonna deal with my pussy grab by doing a mud run? I don't know! You agreed to it too.
Eliza: Yeah, because I fucking hate Rafi, and I'm not about to be the fat black girl who backs out of doing something physical, Fuck that!
Bridgette: Well it's better than what I normally do, just eat and porn and eat more and more and more and then porn. I mean, that's what I normally do - it's eat, and then I porn.

Bridgette: I just wish you could at least pretend to support me.
Tutu: I support you every single day, honey. I pray for you. 
Bridgette: Yeah? What do you say?
Tutu: I say, "Dear Heavenly Father, please protect my Bridgette. She's a little lost. She's like a sheep. Please guide her towards-"
Bridgette: I'm a sheep. Okay. I'm a sheep.
Tutu: You're a beautiful sheep, Bridge. I didn't say you were a pig. 
Bridgette: I'd rather be a pig. 
Tutu: Than a sheep? 
Bridgette: Yeah. Cause pigs are smart.
Tutu: Yeah, well, you know what? Sheeps can make clothing. Pigs can only make bacon, and Jewish people don't even eat that.

Tutu: You know, this extra-large is not even an extra. Chinese people are so tiny. When they make this in the sweatshops, they don't have any accurate idea of size.

Eddie: I think it wasn't until I committed to the church, it really clicked for me. Corinthians over Courvoisier.

Rafi: You're an innocent angel.
Nelson: I'm not that innocent. 
Rafi: Oh, really? 
Nelson: Yeah. I've been to Amsterdam. And Kit-Kat calls me the little devil when I drink too much vodka so pretty much a badass.

Eliza: I don't think I can do this.
Bridgette: Yeah, not with that pussy ass attitude.

Meathead: Sweet nips. I like my bitches dirty.
Bridgette: Uh, what did you just say? I will cut you!

Eliza: Pass.
Bridgette: No, we gotta do it. Come on, it's the last one. We gotta do it.
Eliza: No, we don't. I feel empowered. We did the mud and the log and shit, and I'm done. Fuck that!
Nelson: I think there's no shame in not being electrocuted.

Rafi: I'd do anything for you. You call me to be there for Larry, I'm there for you. You want me to meet you at the hospital, I meet you at the hospital.
Bridgette: What do you want? Oh, you want a prize? To show up to be a dad?

Edited January 5, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo
Typo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bridgette: You baptized my kid.
Tutu: So somebody put water on his head. What's the big deal? I can't believe you're this mad.

Bridgette: Okay, if you were on the Oregon Trail and you could bring one thing, what would you bring?
Scott: Coconut water.

Ally: Would you ever consider doing a sleepover with Mr. Daddy and me? The fun kind. Like where we touch each other's genitals.

Eliza: You know, weed is my thing. I don't really know about the shrooms.
Bridgette: I think shrooms is my thing. I just don't know it yet.

Nelson: I ordered them from a Chinese pharmacy online. They say they're herbal, but really it's just phentermine without the prescription. 
Bridgette: I thought you just had two ribs removed. 
Nelson: Oh, I wish, but yeah. I mean, these give you the runs real bad.

Nelson: Okay, let's start with some I statements, okay? You speak only for yourself. Like, "I just went down another dress size." See? It's about me.

Bridgette: When you baptized Larry behind my back, I felt you were disregarding what I wanted for my child.
Rafi: I feel like when you make all the decisions for our son, that I don't matter.
Bridgette: Of course you matter. It's just that whenever I give you responsibility, you fuck it up.
Rafi: You're never gonna change the way you see me, Bridgette!
Bridgette: Well, when you fucking change, I'll-
Rafi: I am changing! What do you want from me? 
Bridgette: Be better! Just fucking be better!

Joe: Hey, look what I found.
Bridgette: Where did you find that? 
Joe: I was sitting on it.
Rafi: You couldn't feel it?
Joe: No, I don't have a lot of feeling in my ass.

Edited January 6, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo
Typo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bridgette: Joe poops in a bag.
Tutu: So what? Everyone has challenges.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rafi: Whoa. What are you doing here?
Eliza: It's my house, Rafi. What are you doing here?
Rafi: Last night, um, I got locked out of sober living.
Eliza: Hmm. Well, you know, there's these neat things all over Boston - you know, beds, showers - called hotels.

Bridgette: Funny fat friend already died. Slut's always next to go.
Eliza: Okay, first of all, she's not the slut. She's wearing khakis. Sluts don't wear khakis. The one with the Big Gulp, that's the slut. You know only sluts drink soda.
Man: Shh! Shh! This movie can't be good for kids.
Bridgette: Yeah, well, it's worse for women. They're the only ones getting killed.
Man: There's a reason it's rated R.
Bridgette: He has been asleep this whole time.
Eliza: And you know what? What the fuck business is it of yours? 
Man: I just think-
Eliza: Reclaiming my time. 
Man: What are you -
Eliza: Reclaiming my time. 
Man: I just think you know, I -
Eliza: Boop. Is he yours? You're doing God's work, staying with him. Yep, bye.

Bridgette: My car was right here.
Eliza: What do you mean, your car was right here?
Larry: It's gone.
Bridgette: They must have towed my car!
Eliza: Bridge! Damn it! I told you to stop parking illegally.
Bridgette: Yeah, but it works 80% of the time. It worked this morning!
Eliza: It says, "No parking anytime," so that means no parking anytime.
Bridgette: I've only been towed, like, six times. That's nothing compared to how many times I've parked illegally.

Bridgette: Oh, feeling better? You got your diaper, we got your muffin. Now you want to go to the tow yard?
Eliza: See, that's the problem. You let him make all of the decisions.
Bridgette: I don't let him make all the decisions. We're in a relationship. Just because he's short doesn't mean he doesn't have opinions.

Eliza: I'm black. I don't fucking hitchhike.

Bridgette: How many moms can say, "Oh, yeah, I lost my kid in a junkyard"?
Eliza: More you think, honey.

Bridgette: She thinks we're a couple.
Eliza: You could do worse.

Edited January 5, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo
Typo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bridgette: Hey, Aunt Mel. My dad touched my vagina. Yeah, I'd love to get tacos!

Eliza: Mariska. She will put his ass in jail.

[RedheadZombie]

I think all of Tutu's lines are quotable.  I would love to see the transcript of the scene where Tutu pees on the grave.