I Love Me January 21, 2015 Share January 21, 2015 I cannot believe there wasn't already a quotes topic. This show is fantastic with the dialogue. "Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there, then why did she make them perfectly finger sized?" 4 Link to comment
Mozelle January 21, 2015 Share January 21, 2015 I'm simply going to copy and paste what I wrote in the S2E1 thread-- Abby: "Your dad should have pulled out." - after Amazing Race audition dude asks for either women to be his partner because his mom pulled out 1 Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo January 22, 2015 Share January 22, 2015 [Abbi and Ilana are skyping] Abbi: Oh my GAWD. Is that Lincoln? Lincoln: Yup. Abbi: Is he inside of you? Lincoln: Yup. Ilana: I'm just keeping it warm. Lincoln: I was so worried that I made a cake. And then I ate a whole cake. Lincoln: Hell, yeah, I get faded off of nitrous oxide. Then I pull up some episodes of Charmed on my DVR, watch those. It's not my favorite show sober, but on nitrous oxide Charmed is my favorite show, yes. Link to comment
I Love Me January 23, 2015 Author Share January 23, 2015 Ilana: “All Hollywood media is porn, and all porn is kiddie porn. We live in a rape culture. We just do.” 1 Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo February 5, 2015 Share February 5, 2015 Ilana's mom: The best stuff is always down manholes. 1 Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo February 19, 2015 Share February 19, 2015 Lincoln: Everybody, specifically you, needs to calm down. Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo March 19, 2015 Share March 19, 2015 Ilana: I'm sorry your son sucks so hard. Link to comment
I Love Me February 19, 2016 Author Share February 19, 2016 Truck driver: "Nice ass!" Abbi: "YEAH, I KNOW!" Lincoln: "You look like a DMX video extra" Disembodied voice in sewer grate: "She really is" Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo February 26, 2016 Share February 26, 2016 Co-op manager: Don't try to butter me up. I'm vegan. Craig: Respect the produce, Ilana! Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo March 4, 2016 Share March 4, 2016 Ilana: Did you email me at ilanawexler@mindmyvagina.com? Todd: I refuse to use that email address. You know that. Todd: Go home. You're wearing a dog hoodie. Ilana: Chill, Miss Thang. This isn't a dog hoodie. It's from the dog owners' section. Todd: It has holes for dog ears. Why would they do that in a hood? A hood is to cover the head. Ilana: Is there a pocket in the back?Todd: There is. It also has a little leash hole. Trey: Abbi, you smell like chlorine. I love it. Trey: I just wanna get in here, Axe my body from head to toe, and then zen out. Ilana: Maxxinista! Ay chihuahua! I don't know if I want to be [Elizabeth] or be in her. Abbi: I get a little intense about competition. In high school, they used to call me Tonya Harding. Soulstice guy: Weigh in starts in ten so you still got time to shave your pubes if you need to lose that last LB. Abbi: That's where all the fucking pubes come from! Elizabeth: What do you click on? What's viral to you? You, Maxxinista! Ilana: Me? What would I click on? Well, I love me some salad fingers. Elizabeth: Explain. Ilana: It's this guy with romaine lettuce for fingers and he rubs all up on this spoon like eee errr eee errr eee errrr. Salad fingers. It's early random core. Abbi: I'm at the park where the dude stole my other sandal. Ilana: I shit. I shit. I shiiiiit. Ilana: Yankee Candle Store. Vanilla bean. BB & B right when it opens. 8am, just you and the employees. Abbi: Oh, man, I love that. Ilana: I have to half nelson you like you're a dog? Abbi: You half nelson dogs? Abbi: I am going to knock your big swanging titties into next Tuesday. Trey: This happens to every new trainer. You don't have to do steroids to be cool. Because you're already cool. But if you are going to do steroids, I would suggest starting with a half dose of anabolic the first couple weeks. It does make your balls shrivel but in your case, it's going to make your boobs rock hard which is a plus. Just a tip. Ilana: I have put my blood, sweat, and farts into this company. Ilana: I'm going to miss each of you. You're like family. I'm going to miss you, White Guy #7. You make Jews look good. You're hot. Good bye, White Guy #3. Love the man bun. You started the trend. And good bye, Adult Braces. Adult Braces: I got those off seven months ago. Ilana: Would you rather I go back to Only Black Guy? Adult Braces: Adult Braces is fine. Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo March 24, 2016 Share March 24, 2016 Ilana: It is insane that you drive a car with no doors. You are such a goy for driving this car it is unbelievable. I want a DNA test. 1 Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo March 31, 2016 Share March 31, 2016 Lincoln: I'll be right out from slowly peeing, definitely not pooping. Ilana: Gingers have souls! Police scanner: Metro units, 34th and Steinway. Unidentified black male pretending to read book on park bench. Probably armed. Trey: You know what I do when I'm feeling down? I pop in a kick ass DVD. Okay, so we got Hangover 3 - honestly the best one, Babe - Oscar nom, and my personal favorite - Ratatouille. Ilana: Man, I wish there were a basketball league for women so I could play. Blake Griffin: Well, there is. It's the WNBA. They are so good I literally steal moves from them all the time. All the time. Trey: If Remi had a real restaurant, I would totally go there for my cheat meals. Don't care that he's a rat. Don't give a shit. Trey: That's really cool. Did you draw that with paints? Abbi: I did. I think of it as like a painting. Trey: You know what they say - you're not a real New Yorker until you've been robbed. I've been a New Yorker three times. Ilana: It wasn't full peena vageena. Lincoln: This is Blake Griffin's shoe. Now I use it as a murse. A male purse. We're Eskimo brothers. 1 Link to comment
ElectricBoogaloo April 21, 2016 Share April 21, 2016 Abbi: I graduated with a fine arts degree so now I am a celebrity trainer. Jason: Rachel H 2? You went to Dartmouth? I think I could see a really bright future with you and David 3 who went to Cornell. Rachel H 2: Ewww, Cornell? Ilana: The Mohel Chai club. You know how mohels suck baby dick? Abbi: Wait, wait, what's a mohel? Ilana: Honestly, are you Jewish? You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not. Abbi: Dude, I'm sorry, what the fuck is a mohel and why are they sucking baby dick? Ilana: A mohel is the Jewish dude who performs the circumcisions. You know, like a bris. So they don't do it in the hospital. So those rabbis can do whatever they want. So they take the detached baby foreskin and they roll it around in their mouths with wine. [Abbi starts dry heaving] Ilana: And then they suck the baby dick itself. To stop the bleeding. Abbi: What the fuck are you talking about? Ilana: Literally Judaism. Abbi: So at every bris someone sucks a baby dick? Ilana: Only at the most sacred ceremonies do we get to have the baby dick sucking. Abbi: They get to have it? Ilana: Yeah, it's like Christian people get the Nilla Wafer. Abbi: Yeah, it's a sacrament. Ilana: What? Abbi: It's a wafer and when you take it in your mouth, you let go of all your sins. It's actually like a beautiful ceremony. Ilana: We're going to Israel right now and we're supposed to be Jewish. Anyway, Mohel Chai club. I want to suck a dick on this flight. An adult dick, obviously. Ilana: Oof, first day. That's like putting your spoon into a molten lava cake. Abbi: It's like the first bite of a jelly donut. Ilana: It's like a chutney. Abbi: Fruit on the bottom. Abbi: Tampons should be free. Every woman should have access to tampons, all different sizes. Ilana: And the only reason it's not that way is because the government hates women. Ilana: I"m loving your comfort despite the circumstances. Abbi: Well, I'm currently sitting in a pool of my own uterine lining so I'm feeling pretty comfortable. Abbi: I guess I'm just the monster with the humongous vagina. Abbi: Because I am a woman who has access to tampons normally, I'm not going to stick a pita up my pussy. Ilana: Shabbat shalom, motherfuckers! Mona: I love you. Winona: Okay, I have to be honest before we do this. I lost 200 pounds in two years and you never said anything. I beat cancer and come on, I was on Extreme Couponing. We never talk about me. So yes, I love you. But I don't like you. Mona: I'm okay with that. Ilana: Abbi's puking on the side of the road, no cabs anywhere. This is our second date, mind you. She wouldn't call it a date, but we scheme. Interrogator: You were asking passengers for very strange instruments - twine, someone's shoelaces, heavy duty scissors. Ilana: To make a tampon! What do you think? I was making a fucking bomb? Interrogator: Yes. You are here for suspicion of terrorist activity. Ilana: Terrorism? I thought this was about the weed in my pussy! Abbi: Gawd, there's so much turbulence. What is going on? Ilana: It's the pilots giving each other head. Air head. Abbi: That's a good one. Ilana: Seriously. Why do you think they call it the cockpit? Abbi: Wait, so Jesus isn't God, right? Ilana: God is like daddy god and Jesus is like the son god. Abbi: So he's really just like a hot rich kid? Ilana: Totally. 1 Link to comment
Recommended Posts