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Jules: How are the  huevos rancheros?
Jeremy: They're pretty good.
Jules: Can I have a bite?
Jeremy: I don't love you anymore.

Jules: So is Stella still dating that Croatian pirate?
Madison: Not everyone who violates maritime law is a pirate, Jules.

Jules: You and Madison were kind of like Batman and Robin and I was more like Alfred who was also one of Batman's closest confidantes but who just prefers the comfort and safety of the manor.

Stella: The only way to ignite change in a situation is through the introduction of chaos. That's why I do a full body henna tattoo any time I have jury duty.

Stella: Okay, new example. If you were allergic to peanuts, what would you do?
Jules: I would buy an epi pen and stay away from peanuts and their related products.
Stella: Wrong.

Izzy: Keeping secrets makes us close!

Madison: I should be congratulating you on the successful internet company you founded.
Jeremy: I didn't found a company.
Madison: Really? Cause that seemed like the only logical explanation as to why a grown man would be out at night wearing a fucking hoodie.

Madison: What was with the creepy white van? And why are you at Margaritaville with Uncle Joey?
Stella: I met him in line for the bathroom and he's one of my top five favorite TV uncles. What was I going to do? Not hear his financial advice over margas and chicken fingers? That would be crazy.
Madison: We definitely have different definitions of crazy.
Jules? You have other favorite TV uncles?

  • Love 1
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App: Enter your goal.
Jules: My goal. How about 100 steps?
App: If you have recently been dumped, please enter a more challenging goal.
Jules: Okay. Uh, 200 steps.
App: This is why no one loves you. Enter your goal.
Jules: Fine, 350 steps. Are you satisfied? Are you?
App: Begin workout.
Jules: All right. Clean break, new me. This is good.
App: Workout paused. Increase pace to continue.
Jules: Seriously?
App: Resume workout. Workout paused. Feel inferior to continue. Disguise tears as face sweat to continue.
Jules: I'm not crying.
App: Hit rock bottom to continue. Distance traveled: 0. 3 flights. Calories burned: seven. Workout complete.

Jeremy: A morning jog and then a puzzle? You're just like my dad.
Jules: Your dad who is a cost-accountant and is 66 and is a man?

Julee: I saw this guesthouse on Craigslist that I actually think could be really great for me. The post said vintage furniture, antique charm, accessible floorplan.
Madison: No, you are not living somewhere from Craigslist because you will get murdered and they'll make a podcast about it and they'll want to interview me and I hate podcast people.

Stella: Babe, you need to shake up your life. Instead of looking for a place, have a travel moment. Get yourself a map, put your finger on the farthest place you can imagine, and then throw out the map and go to Costa Rica.

Madison: You need to find an apartment that's aspirational a view, a gym something that says, "I put the sexy in sexcessful." If successful was spelled differently.
Stella: Oh sure, because all rich successful people are happy. Think about it, Madison. Steve Jobs killed himself.
Madison: Steve Jobs didn't kill himself.
Stella: Okay, why are you always correcting me? 
Madison: Because you're consistently wrong.

Madison: I love Stell, but she's been bouncing from housesitting gig to nannying job to trip abroad since we graduated. I mean, she's basically a very well dressed homeless person.

Real estate guy: This view is the only view in the entire city that offers visibility into the homes of all 19 Kardashians, plus, on a clear day Blac Chyna.

Real estate guy: Now in addition to the amenities in-unit, the building features a gym, two pools, a spa, a rec center, an archery range, an in-house therapist, puppies you can play with whenever you want to, two coffee bars with oat milk lattes on draft, a baked crab handroll bar, a recording studio, an indoor ski mountain, a meditation room made entirely out of the wax of a Diptyque candle.

Alison B: Jules, listen, on my yoga teacher's honeymoon in Thailand, her and her husband accidentally killed a baby elephant with their Jeep convertible.
Jules: Oh, gawd, why would you tell me that?
Alison B: I was trying to think of something that was almost as bad as your meeting with Celeste. I'm making you feel better.

Izzy: We're basically like the Olsen twins and before you say anything, it is very important to me that I be Ashley.

Stella: Ask for advice, then do what you were going to do the whole time anyway.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Alison B: Celeste wants us to throw away everything in the office that doesn't spark joy.
Jules: My stapler doesn't have to spark joy. It just has to staple.

Madison: What are you wearing right now?
Jules: Jeans and a top.
Madison: Are you doing that thing where you call a sweatshirt a top?

Izzy: If either of you guys want to join me tonight, I'm going to watch Pearl Harbor and then Serendipity to test my theory that Kate Beckinsale's aging in reverse.

Izzy: Can I have a vodka soda with seventeen limes?

Stella: My parents were backup dancers for Madonna who fucked once on a flight to Tokyo and then split up before the tour was over. I don't tell people that because it's tedious and boring.
Izzy: Holy shit, that's the most interesting thing I've ever heard. My parents met at a Brookstone both reaching for the same glow in the dark shower radio.

Stella: Hey, Jules, you want a hit of this? It's mint papaya with just the teeniest amount of opium.

Jules: Madison is terrified of magic! Remember that guy who was doing card tricks at Katie Hathaway's graduation party?
Stella: Yeah, he asked her to pick a card and she punched him in the face. It was hilarious.

Stella: I honestly don't understand why she's so freaked out by magic.
Jules: Uh, not being in control of what's happening, not being told what's going on, being deceived intentionally.

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Celeste: So you're saying the promo's not ready?
Izzy: It's not that it's not ready. There are just a few concerns.
Celeste: Challenges. Challenges open the soul. Concerns cause wrinkles.

Celeste: Granted I'm a little more sensitive and in tune with these things, but I did catch a slight obstacle with the logo.
Alison S: I would say I was also cognizant of the obstacle.
Alison B: I would like to echo that sentiment.
Izzy: Me too. Not like #MeToo. Just also me.
Celeste: Ladies, what a rad opportunity. These are the kinds of discussions that woom was built to incubate. Let's open a dialogue. Alison?
Alison S: We could take this to a focus group and get some feedback.
Celeste: This is why I love bad ideas. They really keep the conversation moving.
Alison B: We could form an internal task force to look for answers.
Celeste: No. You'll form an internal task force to look for questions. Question everything. Who are we as women? Who are we as humans? What are we trying to say? What are we trying to sell? Will this product revolutionize wellness? Will Celeste be upset if the product launch is delayed? Will someone get fired because of this?
Alison S: Will someone get fired because of this?
Celeste: Exactly. Very cool conversation. It felt massively organic.

Izzy: We'd say our problem it threat level orange but orange clashes with the blush tones in the office so we've agreed to just say it's very bad.

Celeste: Thank you for bringing your dope goddess energy into this space.
Madison: It is such a pleasure meeting you. I have listened to your TED talk on career mantras at least ten times.
Celeste: I love that I inspired you. You inspired me. So in a way you can say I inspired myself. Thank you for reminding me to be mindful of that.

Madison: I want to say this in the nicest way possible but I think your personal brand is a disaster.
Izzy: What? What's my personal brand?
Madison: Sort of like desperation meets aspiring camp counselor meets you're using a fake name at work.

Stella: When you said you wanted to surprise me with plans tonight, I kind of assumed like a chill night in and we could play non-strip Uno or something.
Jules: They just call that Uno.

Madison: Don't take this the wrong way, but you are the most basic bitch I've ever seen and I've been to the Museum of Ice Cream.

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Colin: How on earth did you learn to punch like that?
Madison: Well, earlier this year Stella and I went to this bonfire where Stella ended up meeting her Ayurvedic soulmate or whatever. But it turned out he had a girlfriend who got drunk and lit Stella's fashion poncho on fire. We brought top shelf tequila so technically no one should have been upset about anything, but people are irrational. Anywho, we were like that obviously can't ever happen again. We need to know how to protect ourselves so we enrolled in a self defense class.
Colin: Which one is Stella again?
Madison: Unironic, dated her therapist, sometimes housesits for Macklemore.

Jules: What are you? A cat doctor?
Wes: Most people just say veterinarian but yeah, I guess technically I'm a doctor of cats and such.

Stella: It legit smells fucked up in here.
Izzy: I'm getting notes of a burnt something.

Izzy: Is this a Gucci belt in your silverware drawer?
Madison: This is my overflow closet. I don't cook a lot.

Stella: Why don't we just Postmates? Maybe the Postmates guy will be cute and you can go on a date with him instead of cooking dinner for this old fuck.
Madison: Stella, was I this unsupportive that time you dated that mime?
Stella: Yes. You called him quiet clown and then kicked him out of your birthday dinner.

Madison: Izzy, don't talk about your Ariana Grande blog or how you have that permanent bottom retainer or that you dream you're a Christmas tree. And don't call things fire. It never sound natural when you say it. I just want to painstakingly construct an aura of sophistication and maturity that is both effortless and natural.
Stella: This feels the domestic equivalent of faking an orgasm. They're never going to get better if we keep pretending.
Madison: It is not pretending. It's like when you put on tinted moisturizer, clear brow gel, brown mascara, loose setting powder, and a matte lip balm in order to achieve a carefully crafted makeup-free look.

Madison: Just stick to the areas of conversation that make us seem worldly and cosmopolitan. The following is a list of dinner party approved topics: the dangers of social media, the absence of the middle class, travel anxiety, Lipitor, classic rock, airline reward points, and Frasier.

Ramona: Dumping you before my wedding was so selfish of [Jeremy].
Jules: Yeah, that was my first thought after the breakup too.

Madison: We always get takeout when we have our French cinema marathons. Ooh, honey, we should watch Moulin Rouge again!
Jules: Fully Australian film shot in Australia.

Izzy: "I Can't Feel My Face When I'm With You" - it's one of the greatest love songs of our time.

Colin: When I was in my 20s, I couldn't make a bowl of cereal without screwing something up.
Stella: But look at him now. Sixty years later and he's a doctor. Hey, speaking of doctors, how loose are you with health insurance if I need to get a checkup to get SCUBA certified?
Colin: Uh, not loose.

Jules: Why the hell would you tell Colin we're sophisticated in the first place? We brought Taco Bell to a friends-giving last weekend.

Stella: Save on haircuts, save on car wash, save on smog check!

Wes: I've seen weirder. There was a situation with a ferret and a box of tampons.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Stella: Madison, why do you have my passport I lost four years ago when I was supposed to go base jumping in Bhutan with Jaden Smith?

Izzy: For some reason, that room temp supermarket store sushi isn't sitting right.

Izzy: My grandma was sorority sisters with Ruth Bader Ginsberg so n terms of being a judge, it's in my blood.

Madison: The bread bowl killing - an unidentified suspect joined Lucy at Panera Bread where they shared a clam chowder bread bowl that sadly would be her last. Hours later, Lucy's body was found dismembered in a dumpster behind the restaurant.
Izzy: Omigawd, that's so gross. They were sharing soup?

Madison: You are being so crazy. I need you to help me convince Izzy to convince Stella that Stella's date is a murderer.
Jules: Sorry, what were you saying about me being crazy?

Jeremy: [Melissa]'s not a supermodel.
Jules: Oh, she's not?
Jeremy: Well, I mean she's a model but it's like mostly Instagram stuff.

Izzy: It's that classic case of masturbation versus murder when you're trying to decide if a guy is a good person or not.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Madison: He can't keep Lauren S. He can't! She wore overalls on the group date!

Madison: You are not calling Dr. Pussycat. He's total boyfriend material. Knowing you, you'll go on one date and we won't hear from you for five years.
Jules: I feel like I'm being reverse slut shamed here. Isn't finding a boyfriend the reason we go on dates?
Madison: No, we go on dates to have fun and justify the purchase of cute clothes.
Stella: Not every guy as to turn into a boyfriend. It's like the photographer who I'm housesitting for. We hook up whenever he's in town and it's totally casual.
Jules: So you live with a guy and you sleep with him. Tell me how that's casual again.
Stella: He travels constantly.
Izzy: So you're in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend who you live with?
Stella: Wait, if I have a boyfriend then I've cheated on him a lot.

Jules: Okay, you were right. The best cinematic depiction of cats is Disney's Aristocats.
Wes: They're animals but they still have their sophistication. Next we do Homeward Bound or Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties.

Madison: This frat guy Paul we went to college with has been throwing himself the same party every year on his birthday since he was 18. Sadly, now that he's in his 30s, the party has gone from being a can't miss campus event to a tragic display of chubby alcoholics trying to relive their youth.

Stella: Izzy, having threesomes doesn't make you more interesting.

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Izzy: And that's when I realized I'd been wrong about my face shape for years. It turns out it IS a heart shape. It's just one of those hearts that's really round.
Jules: Wow, that's crazy. And a very interesting conclusion to why you thought the Gilmore Girls revival was a failure.

Jules: The email said to pack athletic wear.
Madison: Did it say pack athletic wear for a nine year old boy on his way to soccer practice?

Izzy: Omigawd, Stella, are you pen pals with George Clooney?
Stella: No, no. Amal.

Celeste: I am so very happy to be back here at my Malibu home, perfectly situated between beach and forest, sand and sky, the drummer of Imagine Dragons and the heir to the Caprisun fortune. Hosting this retreat every year is such an honor for you girls that I only wish I had someone like me in my life to be the person that I am for you.

Jules: It's officially the most beautiful thing I've ever peed on.

Stella: I'm at USC and I'm celebrating!
Madison: Omigawd, did you hear about business school?
Jules: Did you get in?
Stella: No, I got rejected. But I did get accepted to doing whatever the fuck I want for the next two years and also forever.

Stella: I'm not good enough for business school! I'm just a beautiful idiot - like James Franco.

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Stella: Isn't the whole bad feminist thing a little ironic coming from Celeste?
Jules: What do you mean? She's the CEO of a company all about women's empowerment.
Stella: Sure, women's empowerment by the purchasing of insanely expensive products to keep them from looking old.

Celeste: I've been encouraged not to give looks-based positive feedback anymore. We had a whole HR training thing about it.

Alison B: Jules, Celeste would totally love to grab a non-optional word with you.
Alison S: Super non-optional.

Stella: Why do you care what you look like? Aren't you some brilliant feminist?
Sylvia: Looking good doesn't mean I'm any less of a feminist than you are. It just means I wake up earlier.

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Wes: It's part of a new workout craze that I'm really into. Some guys do Crossfit. I sweat profusely and carry women's cats around Los Angeles.

Stella: We think you might be having an identity crisis.
Madison: What do you mean? My identity's the perfect combination of velvet rose and coral blossom.

Jeremy: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Melyssa: What's a breadbox?
Jeremy: What do you mean? It's a box you put bread in.
Melyssa: Well, the bread I buy always comes in a bag.
Jeremy: Okay, is it like a box that you could put bread in?
Melyssa: Well, it depends on how much bread because if it's the amount that could be the size of Adam Levine, I'd say yes because my answer is Adam Levine.
Jeremy: Have you ever played this game before? That's the third time you've volunteered your answer without anybody guessing it.
Melyssa: Because you never get it so I thought I'd just say it.

Jules: Is it an object made of plastic?
Jeremy: Yes.
Jules: Is it a frisbee?
Jeremy: YES!
Jules: You're always ranting about how ultimate frisbee should be in the Olympics.
Jeremy: Okay, think about its roots in the counterculture. How many professional matches can sustain without a referee? It is an elevated level of sportsmanship!

Izzy: Wait, Jules's cousin is [Jeremy's] sister? That is very Game of Thrones.

Izzy: Are you naked on purpose?
Bronwyn: Just picking up some more beer!
Izzy: Where's your wallet?

Bronwyn: The bonobo is a species of pygmy chimpanzee that lives as a matriarchy and we are a collective of women artists who have embraced the wild bonobo's emphasis on female bonding as a source of inspiration.
Izzy: Got it. So are there any actual monkeys here that you study?
Bronwyn: Oh, no. We come to Mexico a couple times a year to do drugs and get naked in the wilderness.

Madison: Do any of you bonobos have a working cell phone or a AAA membership?
Bronwyn: We feel technology inhibits our radical self-expression.

Bronwyn: I'm not even going to say yes because I'm trying to think of a word that's more powerful than yes. Like rainbow.

Izzy: If this is what they mean when they say "dance like no one's watching," they should honestly stop telling people to do that.

Izzy: If you're a bird, I'm a bird.
Stella: It feels like a weird time for a Notebook quote.
Izzy: I'm hoping to encourage a hallucination that involves Ryan Gosling.

Stella: Okay, so to clarify, I got into business school and you tripped so hard on peyote you want to crash our estranged best friend's ex-boyfriend's sister's wedding?
Madison: Do you have a problem with that?
Stella: No, I just think we body swapped and it's really fucking awesome.

Izzy: Not to throw a wrench in Operation How Izzy, Madison, and Stella got their Jules back, but we don't have a car and we do look like mole people.

Jeremy: I like your dress.
Jules: That line only works when there aren't five other people wearing the exact same thing.

Celeste: Ah, a good old fashioned road trip. You know, Colin and I rented a Fiat last summer and Italy and we drove from Florence to, um, oh, honey, what was the name of that town with the vineyard?
Colin: London.
Celeste: No, in Italy, Colin. Did you not take your gingko biloba?

Jules: I get why you lied. You got yourself into a situation where you were terrified of telling the truth because you knew what you were doing was a mistake, but fuck that.  Fuck being terrified of things that are hard and fuck picking your friends for their fucking hair color and fuck backsliding into bad relationships and fuck cheating on your wife and FUCK YOU.

Stella: That was the greatest thing I've ever seen and I've been to Cirque du Soleil with Chrissy Teigen.

Madison: Are the grand theft laws any looser in Mexico?

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