davidcalgary29

It's a good thing that the focus on the preliminary group for each "bracket" is only three episodes long, because I found myself becoming increasingly annoyed with our alliance members as they bickered endlessly, and pointlessly, throughout the episode. I didn't care! No one cared! Yeesh. At least we can add "Hoop Dreams" to the list of WoW songs we never have to hear again. It was like hour three of sitting through a big tattoo, when you're being wiped down AGAIN, and it feels like the skin is being sanded off hour body, and then you drift off and realize the pain is over, leaving you wondering what you were doing there in the first place. Success! Oh lord, now we get Mistress for the next three weeks. The pain is coming back now...

WoW gifts viewers with a second episode of AS in one night, clearly showing us all that they've got episodes to burn. That's got to be a positive sign for the season, right? Right? Hey, everybody, it's time for another episode of All Stars! The episode begins with spillover filler from the last episode and we are collectively bored for several minutes as the queens pretend to strategize and scheme about the tacky plot "twist". Alliances are made and broken, etc., and I'm impressed that all of our contestants manage to keep this Improv bit going even with only minimal input from PAs who are whispering through the cochlear implants that WoW has had surgically inserted into everyone's ears. And the main challenge hasn't even started! It's still boring. Ru floats into the Werkroom the next day to announce one of the more awful mini-challenges we've seen in recent seasons: each contestant is paired with a member of one of the Pit Crew. Both teammembers have to use their bodies to move a plastic ball between pubes and lips without using their hands. "Do you consent?" Ru asks the Pit Crew at the beginning of the challenge, who all nod dutifully as their contracts require. Honey, just don't try that bullshit if you come to Canada, because I will personally force you to listen to my lecture about the principle of legal consent to sexual activity (preached to my teens on a regular basis), which is not satisfied here. NO. The queens gamely try to ignore the fact that they will be roasted on social media for years over this bit, and pretend to have fun. Irene wins! Well, she thinks she does, but that's only because she has to wait a year for the social media attacks to begin. The "fun" over, Ru announces this week's maxi-challenge: it's an Improv challenge/Murder Mystery co-acted with Ru, MIchelle, and Carson! Oh, hoorah. There's no script, so you know that the final product will have required about forty-seven edits to approach some level of watchability. SPOILER: it's still not watchable. Some of the queens aren't awful, but Ru has finally snapped and merged with her hero, Tyra Banks, and adopts a terrible French (and not Belgian) accent in a lazily parodic performance of some Hercule Poirot-type investigator. Did he lose a bet with Ross? I mean, this is even worse than "Ross Matthews vs. The Ducks", and it goes on FOREVER. Why? RuPaul hasn't been this bad in other acting skits -- look what he did on S6! -- so I'm not quite sure why we're getting such a cognitive meltdown at this point in this franchise. At least he's not talking about Becky and rolling his eyes wildly while berating nineteen year-old "models". Bosco escapes this catastrophe with minimal damage, and Irene is lively. I think that Carson does okay with his few lines, too, although I think I entered a fugue state at some point and just tried to last through the pain by closing my eyes, like I'm going to do today during my wall sits at the gym. The next day, the queens congratulate themselves on their collective debasement. "We did that!", someone chimes in. Yeah, you sure did. And with that, we pivot to the Main Stage, where Ru, Michelle, and Carson are joined by double Academy Award Nominee Colman Domingo, who is smokin' hot. What! Again: Julia Schlaepfer not available this season? The runway category this episode is "Coming and Going". Olivia starts us on a strong note with a "Billie Holiday inspired gown" that is sleekly sophisticated on the front, and covered with fabric gardenias on the back; Irene is meh as she transforms a conservative pantsuit into sci-fi corporate blandness; Bosco is pretty great as "Lydia Deetz, dressed as Elvira, styled by Amanda LePore", as she rolls out a cinched coffin. It's both fun and outrageous, and is yet another great look in her collection of great looks. Deja is prettier in one of her better runway costumes; Phoenix is a contrast of metaphoric meteorology; Aja rounds out the group by trotting out a gold number "inspired by 1920s Art Deco" in front, and a Day of the Dead Theme in the back. It's simultaneously pretty, cheap, and tacky. Great multitasking, Aja! The queens assemble for the Judges. This is filled with pointless platitudes, and I sort of drifted off here and concentrated on the few glimpses of Colman sitting on the panel, still looking hot. Could they not just have focused on him entirely for the entire segment? Is that too much to ask, WoW? Can we get "Colman Domingo's Drag Race" next year, please? Judge, Judges, Judging. Irene and Bosco are declared the tops of the week! Ru: "you will both lipsynch to Sophie Bextor-Ellis' two-time UK dancefloor hit, "Murder on the Dance Floor!", because some PA liked the song enough to create an entire episode around it! That PA has been fired". I've never really liked this song, and the queens don't really seem to be into it that much either, although Irene looks like she's having fun. Bosco wins! Irene and Bosco both get their stars, and the "bottom" queens are forcefully reminded to fulfill their contractual obligations by caring about dumb plot twists. They try to comply! WHO will trade stars at the beginning of the next episode? Dun dun dun! Wow, this episode really was like an Agatha Christie novel! Without the characters. Or plot. Or resolution. Next week: it's a Makeover challenge! Ru trolls the queens by announcing that the Points System has been a disaster, and now she'll try something new. Ugh.

Hey, everybody! It's time for the first episode of AS10! First on set is Priyanka -- oh, wait. Because I'm in Canada, we're treated to an ad for a new show that no one's going to watch, "Drag Brunch". Priyanka sasses around a restaurant, miming horror at an owner who doesn't know that drag shows bring the bling. She'll show them! I like Priyanka, and she's really done well for herself here, but I'm still not going to watch this. Okay? Let's start again, shall we? It's time for All Stars 10! Ru provides a voice over that sets the ground rules for this season: eighteen (18!) queens will be divided into three brackets of six, who will complete with each other -- apparently, in three consecutive episodes -- and the top three in each group will move on to the "semi-finals" of nine queens. No one will be eliminated in the first round! I can't decide if this is good or not, as I am certain I am not the only one who loves the manipulated emotions of watching a favourite become an early sacrifice to the Great God WoW. I have my doubts, but this has still got to be a step up from the shitshow of Global All Stars. All-Stars start parading onto the Main Stage! First up is a sassy Aja, who promises to elevate her performance from AS3. Or at least S9. As we flash through some carefully-collated clips, I can't help but reflect the surgical assistance that's accompanied Aja on her Drag Journey. She seems happy with the results, and promises to steamroll her competitors to the top. Good for you, Aja! I like your cutthroatedness. Her entrance look is okay, although I'm not really getting the "Jim Carrey as The Riddler" reference. Next up is a slimmed-down Deja Skye, who is taking pride in her new shape. I was prepared for her weight loss journey to be used as a Message of Transformative Hope by WoW, by Deja later tells Ru that she went to Mexico "and had it all sucked out!" Is that even a thing? "I almost died!" she says, seriously. That really is terrible, and also not something that WoW can use as a B-plot, so that moment dies. She trots out a shiny midnight mid-length sheath, which is adorned with a somewhat tacky wreath of even-tackier stars. Okay. Irene Dubois The Alien reintroduces herself to viewers with a rebranding that is "more on point with her aesthetic". Of all the queens, in this bracket, I'm perhaps most excited to see Irene, as she provided much of the spark in the S15 Reunion episode and promises to bring her unfiltered charm to an entirely new group dynamic. I'm not getting "alien" from her showy garment as much as I am "Shannel -- the Next Generation!". The look is fine. Phoenix -- and I am going to avoid all of Ru's tacky puns -- arrives on stage to give this season's Gym Bro energy. I'm not sure her drag has improved as much as she claims as she parades around an Alexis Carrington costume, but she's feeling great and it's nice to see her back. But when you're sick of drag, call me, Phoenix: I need a spotter for my bench presses! Olivia arrives to represent Season 13. She's in an okay silver look, but it doesn't seem to fit that well and I don't like her hair. Closing out the group, and much more interesting is Bosco, who seems to be much more comfortable in her skin now that she's farther into her transition, and she exudes a confidence that wasn't always apparent on her season. Her look is great, with a take on an exaggerated, zebra striped zoot suit with wide shoulders, a tie, and not much on the bottom half of her body. Her hair is great, too. Ru tells the queens the rules, and announces that the top queens in the bracket will be decided by a points system, with two stars given for each week's top two, with an additional star given to the lipsynch winner. That doesn't sound too bad. "And an additional FOUR stars will be given out each week," Ru, tragically continues, "and more on that later!" Oh, no. They really are going to wreck all of this again, aren't they? Ru announces the week's maxi-challenge: the queens are going to write and record an "original" song with an 80s hair-metal theme! And by "hair metal", Ru really means that she wants the authenticity of WWF wrestling from 1985, and not something that Metallica would have put out. To our detriment. And they're going to be choreographed by Jamal Sims! Yay. I'm just going to skip over the next half hour of filler that WoW throws at us, as gleaning the gold dust from the sand is too much like work and reminds me that I could actually be panning for real gold in my nearby river instead of trudging through this section. We do, however, eventually reconvene on the Main Stage, where Ru floats down the stage as the world's most elegant Emu. At least she's looking better than she did on S17. I see they've also upped the budget, as they've managed to snag Ice Spice as a guest, a somewhat impressive feat. What, Julia Schlaepfer wasn't available for AS? Tonight's runway is "Tits and Slits". Some of the queens actually manage to meet the category. Aja is okay as a partly-painted purple alien in a red gown; Bosco is stunning in a zippered costume and presents a sculptural hairpiece which also incorporates zippers up its length. It's great, but also a lot to take in, and I didn't pick out some of the more interesting details until judging. Deja gives us Ren Faire Realness; Olivia claims that she's channeling Lil' Kim; Irene is Ogrefied Princess Fiona: The Vegas Years; and Phoenix presents my favourite look of the night, a purple latex number with luchadora mask that she unzips on stage to sassily play with her boobs. We're then "treated" to the queens' music video, which is terrible, even by this show's low standards. I liked Irene's schtick, but this is a pass even for the most die-hard fan. Ugh. God, that felt like forever. The judges pretend to judge, but only Irene was watchable, and so Aja wins a spot in the top two because Irene sassed her in the episode and the judges want to see drama. The ruse fails! Both queens do well with "Think U the Shit (Fart)", a juvenile, silly song that I enjoyed more than I thought I would, and pair a fair bit of energy with comic timing. Aja wins! And wins $10,000, too. With three stars, she seems like a top contender, but Ru intones that the twist is that each of the four "bottom" queens will be awarded one star "that they have to give to the episode's MVQ!" in the hope of sparking more drama. Whatever, twist. Previews: Bosco claims that she'll be pressed if she doesn't get a star. Why don't each of the bottom queens just trade stars with each other so no one falls too far behind? Again: whatever, twist. Next episode: it's an acting challenge! Oh, lord.

A scary Michelle voiceover opens the episode: "it's TIME for the MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT IN DRAG!" she exclaims. Um, Miss Continental would like a word with you, Michelle. Sadly, however, given the enormous diffusion of the WoW empire into every facet of our daily cultural melange, she's probably right, though. Hey everybody, it's time for the S17 finale! We begin with the eliminated queens' return to the runway, and everyone, without exception, looks stunning. Lucky Starzzz is a fantastical galaxy; Joella is okay until she flashes a callback to her maxipad nightmare; Hormona is a pastel princess in the trans colours; Crystal is a vision in a whorish, yet stylish, reference to vintage Dior; Acacia parades a great gown in yellow and blue, but clearly fought with her makeup: she lost, as she proudly displays two smears of purple that look like bruises on each side of her face. Ugh. Kori trots out a dress in pink and black, and thankfully leaves bows off of her boobs this time; Arrietty is an elf creature gowned in crimson. Lydia ups her game in a silver gown and black throw, but has some type of fabric running up the side of her face; I think it's deliberate. Lana is vibrant in lavender and peach, but bedazzles her skin to distraction. And Suzie steals the runway as Audrey II, complete with two animatronic venus flytrap heads that snap at the audience as she walks. It's wonderful. Since she actually has three heads as she walks down the runway, I guess that makes her Audrey III. Brava, Suzie! This is a great conclusion to your Rudemption arc. Okay, looking over the runway, I guess there were a few small exceptions to the Excellence On The Runway, but still. The top four enter, and they're equally impressive: Jewels is pretty in pink, with a clear recall to 1950s Audrey Hepburn; Lexi trots out a floral knockoff of the Victoria's Secret angel, but still looks beautiful; Onya parades a bronze suit; Sam brings up the rear in a gown embellished with her trademark stars and capped with big hair and a cowboy hat. It's nice, but too reminiscent of her makeover look for my taste. This was the time to show some range, Sam! Ru is announced as the "queen of drag" as she presents a single that's been autotuned to Wyoming and back again. It's perfectly serviceable, and also perfectly interchangeable with any other dance tracks you can hear at Filler Hour at 9 p.m. at modern clubs. Here, she surrounds herself with bored dancers dressed in cropped school uniforms. I hate their look, and I don't like the song, or what Ru's wearing. But it is short! We quickly move to the "talent" portion of the episode. "TONIGHT", Ru intones, "for the first time in HERSTORY...the queens will sing with their own vocals!" Oh, no -- well, we know how this is going to go. Jewels begins first with an annoying ditty, which attempts seduction with a nudge-and-a-wink, but I just want her off the stage for most of her number. She seems pleased with the results, even as she has to talk to her "younger self" and explain Why She Should Get the Crown. Look, I like Jewels, but I still had to fast-forward through most of this segment. Lexi follows with a boring number that does nothing for her, the audience, or me. She's brought her drag mothers to the Finale, which makes me ask: what happened to Tammy? I'm guessing that they might be back to a slump in their relationship. At last, we get to Onya, and she gets the job done with a solid vocals and an entertaining performance. Her father is joined by his wife, Taraji P. Henson...wait, her name is Nina! Seriously, that's Taraji P. Henson. Nina claims that Onya's persona is "entirely her" and that Onya got it from "her...and her grandmother!". Onya's family is the coolest, and if RuPaul won't give Nina her own show, I want her on the panel in an upcoming season. Season 18: On Your Nurve! Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night is Sam, who is poised and polished in a high-energy number that showcases strong vocals, multiple costume changes (including one where she whips off the bottom of her gown to turn it into a red carpet, that she then walks on). This is my favourite of the night, even though it is, if anything, too polished and feels a bit forced. Clearly, her Pageantry experience has paid off. Sam's mother (previously seen as Sassy on the makeover episode) and her sister (biological) are in the audience as support. They also seem awesome, and briefly make me think about joining them in Texas to watch Sam perform. For a second, before I remember that I've been to Texas, several times, and no. Sam gamely makes it through the ordeal of talking to her photograph, and doesn't seem to think it's cringey and awful, which makes me admire her more. Seriously, get rid of this segment! The Finale segues into a touching tribute to Liza Minelli, punchline of countless jokes since her last legitimate performance in "Arthur", and it's to her credit, and the show's, that this isn't a total shitshow. Ru sincerely expresses her reverence for one of culture's true living legends, and Liza looks touched as the queens, and the crowd, show her some love. I know that she's had some health problems for a few years now, but she looks good on stage! It's a nice moment, and she actually looks thrilled when she's presented with her "Living Legends" award. Xunami and an unrecognizable Sapphira appear on stage to present the award for this Season's Miss Congeniality. And, while I really like this cast, they were all kind of bitchy to each other, and thinking about choices had me stumped before they announce that Ru's giving the cash to Crystal! I guess that's a nice consolation prize for having been unceremoniously (and, in my view, unfairly) dumped halfway through the season. Enjoy your money, Crystal! Lexi and Sam are booted from the Finale, leaving Onya and a surprised-looking Jewels as the Top 2. Wow, I was expecting Sam to make it to the end. They gather themselves for a moment before they lipsynch to "Abracadabra" by Lady Gaga, a decent song that has enough energy for a decent lipsynch. Neither Jewels nor Onya really bring that energy, but I'm taken by Jewels' poise and control as she emotes the lyrics. Onya's more of a mess, and I don't like what she's doing on stage. Nymphia appears in a lovely gown with a wacky headpiece that reminds me a Scold's Bridle. Is it a political statement? Is it art? It's Nymphia Wind! I don't like it. Ru announces the winner: Onya takes the Crown! This was a much-deserved win, even though we all knew it was going this way for the past seven weeks. I can't see too many people being unhappy with this. Next: it's time for All Stars! I really quite enjoyed S17, and I'm holding out hope that WoW will pivot from the total shitshow of Global All-Stars and AS9 and entertain us. Please entertain us.

Look, I really like Suzie, but this entire episode was grabbed by the scruff of its neck and frog-marched down the Plank of Predictability by the Heavy Hand of Production, from the initial suspect matchups, to a dumb three-way free-for-all that was guaranteed to trip up all the participants and make no one look good, and to a finale that featured an okay lipsyncher miraculously beating out a seasoned dancer who also seemed to be mysteriously coked out for the entire episode. Just sayin' that I wouldn't be at all surprised if the PAs whispered a few choice suggestions to some of the cast members at certain points of this venture to -- shall we say -- stack the deck for a certain outcome. I still have no idea what they did with Suzie's edit this season, but at least it ended on a happy note.

Our four finalists return to the Werkroom, delighted that the end of their marathon is now in sight, and that they can now send out the formal invitations for Onya's Coronation Ball. Just kidding -- ANY ONE of them can still win, right? RIGHT? The next morning, Ru announces that it's time for the lipsynch smackdown, and a parade of familiar faces enter the sound stage. It's great seeing most of them, but I actually did a double take at Crystal, thinking -- "wait, was she even on this season?" She was! And won two challenges and was even in the Top 2! Guys, this season has been going on so long I've started to conflate different seasons in my mind. The queens prepare for the Main Stage, applying paint and providing us with a few updates on their lives, giving viewers a key clue that this episode was filmed relatively recently, and long after the rest of the season was taped. Kori and Lydia announce that they have graduated from Showmance to Romance, with Lydia claiming that she has given Kori "the keys to the kingdom". I like her alliterative announcement! They hug and the other queens claim that they want in on the action. Because this is Drag Race, there's an awkward product placement for "Anastasia...of Beverly Hills!" I would totally use Anastasia products if I did drag. And if they were free. Suzie acts as Host and Emcee of the LalapaRuza Meet and Greet by interviewing each of her competitors for the viewers. She's kind and considerate, and prompts her interviewee to open up to the audience. Hm. Suzie then provides a number of additional confessionals throughout this segment, and provides thoughtful and interesting comments on the competition. Double Hm. Is this, perhaps, the long-awaited Redemption of Suzie Toot? SPOILER: We segue to the Main Stage, where Ru trots down the runway in a gold catsuit, shimmying and giving a callback to Blair St. Clair. Well, that was random. From the neck down, she looks great, but I can't get over her makeup and weird contacts, which make her like The Head GameMaker for the 17th Hunger Games. Wait -- she is! I take my criticism back. She announces her panel of fellow executioners, who tonight are Michelle and the always-welcome TS Madison. TS looks excited to be back. Why can't she be a permanent member of the judging panel? Ru announces the rules -- and a twist! -- unfortunately, the twist is crap, and ruins a lot of the fun. Just stick with the Canadian rules, people! Here, Bruno (also on the panel, at times) chooses a queen, who can either choose their opponent -- or the lipsynch song! While this seems great in practice, it also means that, if the first chosen queen chooses the song, then the second-picked queen doesn't get any power at all. How is that fair? Why not let the remaining, unchosen queens get to have their choice of opponent instead of leaving it up to "chance" by "Bruno" picking the opponent? Why, indeed.The eliminated queens line up on stage for The Reaping. First up is Hormona, who decides to pick her song. She chooses "Liza with a "Z", a smart choice for a queen whose references seem dated. "Suzie must be DYING inside", Michelle mouths at Ru. Shut up, Michelle. Lydia is chosen as her opponent, and sulks at the thought of having to perform camp from 1972. Hormona decides to turn the number into a lazy striptease, shedding parts of her costume as Lydia channels personality into her performance. Lydia wins! Hormona is catty on her third departure and really, her best line of the night was when she bitchily filled in an expected platitude at watching Suzie's elimination episode with the comment that it "made sense". Hormona gets sent back to the Loser's Lounge to sulk and/or drink with the Finalists. Suzie smartly chooses a cocky Joella for her opponent, thinking that there's really nothing to lose now that "Liza with a "Z" has been taken off the table. Joella chooses "Training Day", claiming that she'll be able to beat Suzie easily with a song that isn't in her wheelhouse. She's wrong! Joella prances off to the Loser's Lounge, where she's greeted by the other queens just as she was during the regular season: with zero actual warmth. There's always tomorrow, Joella! Lucky is chosen next, and she's up against Acacia for "Step by Step" by Whitney Houston. Acacia looks awful at the beginning of her lipsynch -- I wrote down "Busted Dolly Parton, as played by Dee Snider", but she does a quick reveal partway through the number, revealing a more polished look with long, blonde hair and a bodysuit. She actually does all right, but can't beat Lucky's comic beats as she bounces her basketboobs around the stage. Ru cackles, ensuring her win. Lucky gets to stay! For a minute. Arrietty, parading around yet more unflattering Nose Artistry, and Kori, in one of her better (but still bad) costumes, are up next. The song is "Blow Me (One More Time)" by Pink, and Kori is distracting all throughout the song with a manic, jittery energy that doesn't jibe with the song. Kori wins! This, my friends, is pure Production Riggory. Triple Hm. Crystal and Lana round out the first group stage, with Lana choosing Sylvester's "You make Me Feel (Mighty Real)", a banger from 1979, well before either queen was born. Will either queen do it justice? SPOILER: No. They're both perfectly fine here, and it would be fun to watch at a club, but neither of them bring any Realness to the song. Lana wins! Crystal sputters, hilariously, on her way out, leaving Ru to cackle "how white of you!" while making fun of her. Aw, Crystal is actually a good performer. Round two begins with Lucky, who chooses "We Found Love by Rhianna". Lucky probably should have won this one, but she lays on the same schtick that she spread around in the first around, and seeing her play with her basketboobs this time isn't nearly as much fun. You also can't see much of her face through her makeup, while Suzie enunciates the lyrics clearly and is pretty good at conveying the song's emotion. Suzie wins! I was not expecting this. We're then cursed with a leaden three-way lipsynch between Kori, Lana, and Lydia to "360" by Charli XCX. It doesn't matter what the song is, because this idea is terrible, and it's impossible to get a good read on anything that any of the queens are doing. Kori is awful, and has way too much energy for the beat of the song. Lana isn't much better on the other side of the stage. I'm most taken by Lydia, who takes her time to find the emotional heart of the song and turns in an effective performance. Kori wins! Quadruple Hm. Suzie and Kori meet at the finale! The song is one I haven't heard before: "Apt" by Rose and Bruno Mars. It's a lot of fun, and we see a lot of the same moves from both queens because they've just lipsynched for us twice before in this episode, and they really can't change their routines. In the end, Suzie, who is an effective, if not brilliant, lipsyncher, takes out Kori, who remains a limited presence on the stage. And I'm going to have to eat my own words from last week, when I predicted that there was no way, no how, that Suzie was going to win this. What! Suzie walks off with a cool fifty thousand dollars and the last word, telling all the haters who thought that she was "cocky, deluded, and over-confident...I'm better than all of you!" Maybe Ru did like Suzie after all! Next week: it's the end of the road for our Showmance with S17, as the remaining queens battle it out for the win! Will our plucky Tribute from District 12, with the season's worst drag, be able to take down the remaining members of the Career Pack? Time. Will. Tell!

WoW's new anthem. A little too on the nose, perhaps?

No, her outfit critiques weren't shown. They were likely positive, and that would have been inconsistent with the tone of the judges' general critique of her performance this episode. This show is not generally fond of subtlety or nuance.

I think Suzie wanted to win, but didn't want to win on WoW's terms. She was pretty clear in stating that this was how she wanted to present herself, and staying true to that ethic was more important than a one-year contract with considerable strings attached to it. This seems like the best outcome for all parties.

I think Suzie would have been out no matter what was shown this week, because her edit precluded a win. The judges knew this, and Suzie did too: she was surprisingly candid when she admitted that she was "too niche" for a wide audience. And she's right if she's talking about the audience for this show. She'd get my vote because she truly is an Original, although I want to see Onya win it all.

Five queens return to the Werkroom, seemingly giddy with Ru's elimination reprieve. As they hug and sing each other's praises -- acting all "lovey dovey", in the eyes of Onya -- reality makes a rude return as they do the math and realize that there's been no ground gained in this competition, and that they'll have to fight each other, once again, to make it to the finale. Guys, it's time for another episode of Drag Race! The next morning, Lexi beams that this is "the last challenge!" and that they're close to the finale. Which brings up the question: how would she know that this is the last challenge before the finale? Didn't Ru intone that "one...or MORE queens" would be eliminated this episode, leaving open the possibility of another filler episode? WHAT goes on when the cameras aren't on?! Still, the editors leave this bit in, so whatever. Let's go on with this for the moment, shall we? Ru enters the Werkroom in his best Corporate Fracking pinstripe suit look, presenting a sombre change form the garish ensembles to which we've been treated for the past few weeks. It's quite a nice suit that I could wear myself at work, which suggests to me that his final Werkroom entrance of the season could have used a bit more panache. But at least he's not trying to get those prized Gen X fashion points this time by going Goth or -- god forbid -- more flannel grunge. Ru announces the theme of this week's maxi-challenge: it's time to promote WoW's Vegas show! All of the queens scream and clap on cue, although a few worried looks make it through to the cameras. And honestly, it's a great gig if you're broke and the bookings are thin, or a pointed reminder from WoW that The Hunger Games never really end for the Tributes from the Districts. Or both. Or at least Suzie thinks so. Will this episode present a fresh take on WoW's Media Empire? SPOILER: No. Our queens are told to create bylines to sell their shows to prospective audiences. Ideas are floated around, and some of the queens cattily critique each others' plans, commenting that this is the time "to show growth". Wait, I thought Ru wanted the queens to sell their unique brands? Work on their bylines they do, and then the queens are quickly herded into a pointless photoshoot with Ru which is just a substitute for one of those standard Drag Race photo-ops. Most of the queens dress for the assignment and present Ru with standard glitz, and Suzie decides to go off the rails (or is told to go off the rails) by dressing up as Jimbo's Shirley Temple character in AS. Ru purses his lips in alarm at Suzie's lack of sexy appeal, but you know he's secretly delighted by this sartorial misstep. Ru wanted Suzie GONE weeks ago. Truthfully, though, no one really nails the shoot, and this just serves as as ammunition for judging. The queens then meet with Latrice, returning for her first substantial role since her last AS stint. Dressed head-to-toe in silver, and looking regal, she outclasses all of the queens she's set up to interview. Still, the queens try to impress her, starting with a sassy Sam, who nonetheless puts a static and pageanty veneer on her insightful answers. Latrice calls her a "star". Onya does fairly well as well, although I'm more interested in hearing Latrice at this point than anything that our actual contestants have to say. Suzie bonds with Latrice over their shared hometown -- I thought she was from the northeast, not Fort Lauderdale; Lexi gets alarmingly candid about her past, including a truly terrifying anecdote about her victimization in a human trafficking ring; and Jewels closes things out by laying a goose egg in front of Latrice when she can't answer where she'd like to see herself in five years. Latrice states in confessional that this is a telling moment, and that you have to know yourself. That's true, but also probably unfair to a contestant for whom that span of time represents a fifth of their life. It's like asking twentysomethings about their thoughts about the value of Roth IRAs (or for us Canadians, TFSAs). Not going to happen. But we all know what Suzie's planning to do in five years: play Miss Hannigan, in the umpteenth revival of Annie. On BROADWAY! The episode pivots to some brief Werkroom chatter, which serves as this season's Ode to Friendships Made, giving the opportunity for each of the queens to try to say something nice about each other and how first looks were deceiving. Suzie fondly talks about her growing friendship with Sam -- wait, when did that happen? Sam looks less convinced, but doesn't say anything. Aw, Suzie looks happy. It's time for the Main Stage! Michelle, Ross, and Tracee Ellis Ross are invited by a tinsel-gowned Ru to "enjoy" the lauded premiere of the Shiny New Tune appearing on Vegas Live, "Gift Shop". The queens are game, but the song is a stinker, and the edits are so wonky that we get a microsecond to see each queen perform before the camera cuts to another angle. Did they all do well? Did someone mess up? What! At least it's over quickly. The queens, decked out in their "Opulent Outerwear" runway lewks, are forced to watch their recorded bylines, and none of them are that good. Jewels is just as flat as she was in her Truman Capote skit, but Ru laughs gamely, because she's going to the finale. Jewels' runway look, a white feather fantasy, is fine, so there's that. Lexi's advert is boring, but Ru chuckles at the tired cliches, as she loves tired cliches. You can't really get a good read on Lexi's blue "puffer coat" on the home screen, so I can't really tell if it hits the brief or not. The judges sure do like it, though. Onya's ad is loud and panders to some of Ru's favourite cultural stereotypes by promising patrons "a two piece wing dinner" if they come to her show. She smiles when she receives her praise from the panel in her disastrous gown, which is a transporter accident fusing Roberta Flack, ca. 1972, and Helen Roper. She gets special praise for the ugly brass embellishments marring her outfit, which invokes a special brand of seventies sartorial horror. NO. I'll give her half a point for not trotting out her turkey costume again. I still love Onya, but her drag is a special brand of terrible. Sam is very, very orange, and has a blonde Marge Simpson wig. Her ad is stiff and expected. Suzie brings up the rear in a vintage look she curated carefully. She gets dinged by the judges for her boring photo and unremarkable performance and ad, although it's not noticeably worse than any of the others. The judges deliberate, but there is really no deliberation whatsoever, as this outcome was preordained. Jewels wins! She is excited by "winning the last challenge of the season", and as I can't remember anything that she did in this episode, I'll just congratulate her. Or send her condolences when she's locked into neverending seasons of Vegas Live! Onya and Lexi move on to the finale. A disbelieving Sam and saddened Suzie are forced to lipsynch to "Love Child". Both promise not to go home, etc., as their scripts require of them. They shimmy to The Supremes, but neither one of them do a very good job with this. I don't like Sam's Pageant Vibe -- it's much to stagey for a raw song like this -- and Suzie's makeup is terrible, so it's hard to take her emotional take seriously. Sam stays! I'd like to have been at least somewhat surprised by the outcome, but no dice. Suzie promises "great things" in the future. For her sake, I hope she stays away from Drag Race, because her talents really would be suited elsewhere. Aw, I really did like Suzie. I still have no idea what WoW was trying to do with Suzie this season: she got the worst edit of any of the contestants, and was dinged by the show for showing a clear perspective and an unflappable sense of self-confidence, a refreshing change from the parade of insecurities this show trots out for its audience. Stay niche, Suzie Toot! Next week: the eliminated queens return for a LalapaRuza! Do you know who's NOT going to win? Suzie Toot!

Our queens stumble back into the Werkroom after Lana's departure, both teary at Lana's departure and with what seems to be a growing weariness as this season grinds on. And who can blame them? I've actually enjoyed this season the most out of all of the Mothership Series since S12, but it would be hard for anyone to maintain this composure at this point in a competitive reality season. As Sam cries in her still not-ugly gown, the queens steel themselves for the next episode. Ru arrives to lift the queens' moods by making them gawk as he drifts into the Werkroom in a Lumbersexual suit. I appreciate the nod to the Pacific Northwest, but this is like the time Prince wore flannel in that one video from 1992 as grunge was coming onto the scene: it's a pass. And I know I bitched about the picnic basket melange he trotted into the Werkroom a few episodes ago, but NO. Everybody, it's time for the Makeover challenge! Ru announces the day's festivities by presenting our contestants' loved ones, and it's hard to carp when we get to see actual, unfaked reactions of joy appear as three mothers -- and two fathers -- walk onto the set to be made over by the queens. These episodes are presented for one real reason: to give all of the contestants a favourable edit before viewers decide the contest's fate, and S17's entry into the series doesn't much change that trajectory from the show's history. It's still well-done and enjoyable, though. I have to admit that I usually skip the Werkroom filler these days, but the queens' interactions with each respective parent are telling and interesting. Onya, Jewels, and Sam are blessed with wholehearted support and a strong rapport with their parents, and their segments showcase the warmth and strength of those relationships. Lexi has had a much more complex relationship with her mother, Tammy, and, exploitative as it is when presented on this show, it's a fascinating watch. Tammy and Lexi have apparently had some (or many) rough patches in their relationship, and we get the sense that it's both confusion over Lexi's gender identity and distancing caused by Lexi's drug use. Tammy reaches a breakthrough when she refers to Lexi with her preferred pronoun when talking about her daughter to Ru, and it's a powerful moment for both of them. I decide to like Lexi again while watching the episode. Suzie has a darker, and sadder, relationship with her mother Susan. Susan's the original Suzie Toot -- Toot was her maiden name -- and it's clear that Susan didn't know that Suzie chose this name as an homage to her, having seen her drag shows "three or four times" because "they're on so late". Suzie seems resigned, and increasingly heartbroken, as she realizes that her family hasn't really shared her drag life. Or show life. Or, apparently, life. Susan seems listless on set, but it's hard to ding her when she's been brought on set to parade around her family dynamic before an international audience. The other queens note Suzie's disconnect with her mother, despite her efforts to connect with Susan. Lexi has an "epiphany" and thinks that Suzie is herself from a mirror reality where she hadn't cycled through the pain of drug use and depression, and promises to be "nicer" to Suzie. I don't know what she's talking about here, as she clearly flatters Suzie every time she attacks her in a rage of naked jealousy. Suzie likes you being mean, Lexi! I guess that "epiphany" wasn't that deep. Sam, in a real display of growth, expresses real sympathy for Suzie. Your heart just grew two sizes today, Sam! "I'm lucky to have you", Sam says to her mother. "I know", her mother retorts sassily, leading the episode into a lighter tone. It's time for the Main Stage! Ru floats down the runway in a gold cross mini sheath with thigh-high leggings, a look that glitters and sparkles on set. I don't particularly like this one, either. Keep the mini sheath, or ditch the leggings! Ugh -- again, WHO is dressing her? Michelle is joined by Law Roach, making an appearance after an absence of many seasons, and someone named June Diane Raphael. I was quite prepared to be immediately dismissive -- remember Julia Schlaepfer? -- but she's pretty good in critiques, and provides some thoughtful insights. Bring her back! Mother and Daughter pairs strut down the runway. Lexi and her mother, Mimi Lovely, start the show in outfits that are Vegas Show Whore/Virgin Mary/Queen of Hearts hybrids. They get dinged by the panel for "a lack of family resemblance", but since the judges don't know what the definition of that is -- or are even consistent with their own criteria for judging -- I'm not paying attention to them this episode. I actually really like their looks, and had them pegged for the top as they prance down the stage. Sam and her mother, Sassy Star, follow up in polished, pageanty gold-and-denim cowgirl looks. It's a great look for both of them, but they both remind me of Alyssa's makeover for AS2, in which she was sent home. That does not happen here, and again -- consistency, judges? Suzie mimes her way down the runway with her mother, Queenie Toot, in a graphic black-and-white look. I was certain she was going to be in the bottom, but Law Roach called her look 'a ten', and Ru can do nothing but purse her lips and frown at that unexpected turn of events. Read your briefing, Law Roach! The last two pairings are immediately and obviously the weakest of the evening. Jewels' father is a total hoot, but Jewels has dressed them both in furry schmattes that make them look like Mod Yetis visiting London in 1966. It's hideous. Onya, if anything, is even worse as she trots out her father, Nunya Bidness, in a hideous confusion of shiny tackiness. It was like watching Naysha Lopez's "Drag on a Dime" mess on S8, except if there were two of them. The makeup is a disaster, too. Poor Nunya! I hope she got Sam to properly do her makeup after the episode finished. Suzie is declared safe, because Law Roach has actual taste. Sam wins! That's the correct decision, although I would've put Lexi in the top, too. Jewels and Onya are the clear bottoms, and no amount of Riggory is going to be able to fix that outcome, so Ru pivots to the only thing she can do after watching Jewels beat Onya fairly and squarely in the lipsynch -- declare that "love" demands that no one goes home! You know that Ru is just chomping at the bit to get rid of Suzie at this point in the season. We will see if Ru can successfully offer a Flapperesque Sacrifice to the Reality TV Gods' to satiate their ravenous appetites next week! Next Week: it's another hour-long commercial for a WoW Production! "One...or MORE queens will be eliminated", Ru intones ominously! "What does that mean?", a puzzled Sam, clearly not one for LSAT logic games (or simple math) muses. We shall see! I predict an exit for Jewels and Suzie.

Theatre queens have limited marketability for WoW, and Ru always follows the money. I'm sure it's nothing personal to her. And before you can shout "but Jinkx!" to me, I'll remind everyone what a true outlier Jinkx truly was and, as much as I enjoy Suzie, how much more well-rounded as a performer Jinkx was on both of her seasons.

As I was watching Cheap Trick strum listlessly through the millionth rendition of "The Flame" before an ecstatic audience in Edmonton tonight, I started to giggle, thinking how much the band must hate that song at this point. It's been 37 years since it hit the top of the charts, and yet their audience demands it at every tour stop! Gawd. Do you know who else has been trudging along for 37 years without respite? Why, our queens, of course. It's time for another episode of Drag Race! In the Werkroom, copious tears flow in the wake of Lydia's departure. I'd like to think that everyone just liked her, but maybe everyone's just tired and cranky. But it's a good look for everyone! Talk turns surprisingly candid as many of the queens target Suzie because of her unflappable confidence and because Onya really is untouchable at this point. SPOILER: she's even more untouchable by the end of the episode. Ru enters the Werkroom the next day to announce an increasingly rare occasion: we're being treated to a mini-challenge! And this one, in which the queens have to write fake "bios" for their paired competitor, is fresh and excellent. Jewels runs away with the challenge with sharp and cutting critiques of Suzie's foibles wrapped in a delicious layer of comedy, so no one can be upset. Brava! Jewels wins some cash and the picking order -- again -- of the pending maxi challenge. Nope, no sign of Production Riggory at all here. Look over there! We segue into the onto the Main Stage, where Ru is the world's draggiest Troll Doll. Again: WHO is styling her? We then get to see the monologues, where one queen orates a personal story of growth, while her partner dances a "visual representation" of the story. This, my friends, is as weird as Drag Race gets. I like it. Suzie and Jewels are first. They're earnest and dance well, and are dinged by the Judges for filling the brief, because really Ru just wants to laugh, and the brief is irrelevant. Onya drags Lexi into the top with an inspired comic turn, and Lana and Sam trail with a boring conclusion. Despite hopes from several queens, Suzie is safe. Onya wins! Ru also mentions that Lexi is a winner, too, but this is clearly Onya's season now and Lexi doesn't count. Huzzah! Sam and Lana lipsynch and are nicely matched, but there's no way Ru would let Lana stick around at this point. She is, indeed, a goner. Sam stays! Next week: Family Makeovers! I hope Suzie gets to make her mother into a Flapperdog, or perhaps a Flapjack. EDIT: my laptop power died last night before I could edit this Weecap to talk about the runway, which for some reason was a throwback special to Season 7's "Ugliest Dress Ever" parade. Which made sense then, as it was paired with the John Waters challenge, but makes no sense now, and neither Demi Lovato nor John Waters makes makes an appearance on the panel, as WoW apparently blew its guest stipend bringing in Julia Schlaepfer. Alas, almost no one but Suzie -- who rolls down the runway in a Christmas tumbleweed of trash -- hits the brief, although the results are still a mess. Jewels gets Trixie's brief and trots an 80s prom look down the runway, claiming that her garment is a recreation of "her mother's prom dress...made by the only seamstress in Puerto Rico...". Really? There was only one seamstress in Puerto Rico in the 80s? -- but it's kind of stylish, and certainly not styled as memorably as Trixie's. Onya trots out a complete Turkey costume saved from Thanksgiving, 2002. Sadly, it's one of the better runway showings from her this season. Lexi tries to replicate Violet's winning Rainbow Circus Clown Horror on the runway, and gives the Judges a multi-tier cake made out of layers of tulle. It's really not that ugly. And Sam actually goes full Fame, and presents an expensive, well-styled gown. Like Fame, she claims to have misunderstood the brief when she's told that it's not ugly enough, but this is clearly a calculated move; a Pageant Queen like Sam is not going to destroy her carefully curated brand for one ugly runway challenge. Lana closes the runway with another recycled Lewk from an actual runway, which this time is Kandy Muse's "pockets" look. Since that was one of Kandy's better runways, she fails. Couldn't she get Kandy to loan her the look from her "Beast!" fiasco? Predictably, the runway makes no impact on judging. Huzzah!

1. Her sense of "comedy"; 2. Her sense of "fashion"; 3. Her bloated self-importance; 4. THE GIGGLE