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Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee

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Hey my Semi-Ho friends!

Our Fearless Leader has some Quarantine Cocktail Time videos on YouTube. Two Shots of Vodka 

It's Cocktail Time!!

Edited by OoogleEyes
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Archives are up on Discovery +.  Sadly, episodes prior to 2005 are not there.  Her best work happened in those early years, but even in 2005 she was a hoot.  "My Buddha, she's faux"! 

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On 3/14/2021 at 11:25 PM, Ubiquit0us said:

It appears that SLoP dodged a bullet! 

Oh, I doubt that Aunt Sandy was fooled all of those years. She knew exactly what that bastard really was.

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On 1/6/2021 at 5:33 AM, OoogleEyes said:

Aw, too bad. If they were, I might, just *might*, have considered a subscription to Discovery +.

Yeah, I remember think at the time that the show was definitely now lacking in batshittery but going back now, it was still plenty batshit.

That said, I have a lot less personal animosity towards her than I had back then and even then, I mostly just hated what she did. She's had a pretty rough life, despite having been married to a super-rich guy and then spending several years in a relationship with the asshole governor of New York. Who turned out to be the scummiest of bags.  My personal theory is that she learned of his scumbagedness and that's why they split. 

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I agree with you, toolazy. I watched her special on HBO (? I think) about her battle with breast cancer. I do admire her back story. 

It was my early days on TWoP and it was so much fun watching those episodes and our snarkfests. It was better than Saturday morning cartoons!

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On 4/14/2021 at 6:45 AM, OoogleEyes said:

I agree with you, toolazy. I watched her special on HBO (? I think) about her battle with breast cancer. I do admire her back story. 

It was my early days on TWoP and it was so much fun watching those episodes and our snarkfests. It was better than Saturday morning cartoons!

I remember when I found the Semi-Ho forum on TWoP. I was like, "Finally I have found my people!"

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On 4/12/2021 at 8:58 PM, toolazy said:

That said, I have a lot less personal animosity towards her than I had back then

The levels of vitriol against her were pretty nuts. People were constantly calling her “bitch,” “whore,” and various other gendered insults that were a little over the top for someone wasting an apple pie on television. 

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On 4/14/2021 at 8:45 AM, OoogleEyes said:

It was my early days on TWoP and it was so much fun watching those episodes and our snarkfests. It was better than Saturday morning cartoons!

I think I started when it was still Real Big TV or something.  I cherish those days and was reminded of that when the show popped up in my TV for You on Hulu.  🤣

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SLop enters our view with a horse (no nag jokes, please). Hmm, they seem 
to be using extra gauze and Vaseline on the lens this week. SLop babbles 
on and on about being thankful for things this time of year, yada yada 
yada. I'm just thankful I'm not eating at her place for Thanksgiving. 
Gosh, I hope Lady's not on the menu!

We cut to the obligatory tablescape and OMG! There's a maimed pheasant 
on the table!

We return to SLop walking into the faux pantry holding a wreath and 
wearing a fur coat of some sort, no doubt a present from The Wallet and 
starts to blah blah blah about having a nice ride. I am guessing that 
she meant on Lady the horse, but I doubt that nag can manage that, and 
when I say "nag", I meant SLop.

SLop tells us how to make her best marinade, then immediately calls it a 
rub. What the fuck? SLop fetches a big brandy sniffer of boozed-up 
coffee in the fridge and starts to chug. She tells us she'll show us how 
to make it later.

SLop's "tip": Clean the bones or they'll burn. Make the butcher do it if 
it's beyond your ability.

SLop's marinade is a rub made of herb dip and peppercorn seasoning, 
mixed with worchester sauce. SLop confides that she cannot pronounce it. 
Yes, we already know you can't say it, bitch. Remember, you confided 
this to us last time you used it and at the beginning of the French 
Farce ep. SLop mixes it up with a fork instead of something sensible, 
like a spoon.

Whoah! Stunt rub! The rub is suddenly all mixed up and heaped into a 
corner of the pan. it's also considerably darker than it was a few 
seconds ago.

SLop's "tip": The butcher can tie the roast up for you. This is what, 
the THIRD time you've told us this?

SLop smears the rub on meat, with a fork.

SLop tells us that crown roast feeds a lot of people and is elegant. You 
can even serve it in addition to the turkey!

SLop's "tip": Cover bone tips with aluminum foil so they don't burn (or 
use tiny chef hats) SLop couldn't find any for some reason in ten stores 
(yet she manages to find "truffle oil" and other weird ingredients), so 
she's using aluminum foil this time. Real classy lookin', SLop.

SLop's "tip": Take the foil off the bones before serving!

SLop starts to work on the stuffing. She tells us to take some spicy 
Italian sausage, remove it from the casings, and crumble it. SLop puts 
the split sausage into the pan and then starts removing the contents 
from their casings. Yes, IN THE PAN. She then crumbles it with a fork 
and adds condensed golden mushroom soup, which makes it "creamy and 
delicious" (why does she always describe food with those two words?). 
Oh, she forgot to include "salty" too. SLop then kicks it up a notch by 
adding a can of chicken stock. Wow, looks like diarrhea...

SLop pulls out a fully-cooked roast and sets it aside to rest. "Mmmm, 
very nice!"

SLop dumps a packet of instant mushroom onion soup mix and parsley for 
the stuffing. She likes dried herbs because they are stronger, which is 
why she uses them. Once the sauce thickens she dumps half a package of 
croutons into the mix and makes extra for snacking on later. She then 
scoops the vomitous stuffing into the crown roast. SLop adds a little 
water into the bottom of the pan so when the juices dry up the pan will 
still be moist. Whatever. SLop then proceeds to put the pan back into 
the oven but has trouble opening the door with the pan in her hands. 
SLop's touret's kicks in and she lets out a loud "I need a third hand. 
Whoooot!" as she clumsily gets the pan into the oven. She then promises 
to show us how to make her pumpkin spice cake with "Ball leaf nose 

We fade to a promo for "Let's Talk Turkey!". Hmm, no sign of SLop to be 
seen anywhere...

SLop tells us we need canned pumpkin and orange liquor to make a good 
spice cake. She pulls out the roast again to await its final fate. SLop 
mixes up a package of yellow cake mix and a package of spice cake mix. 
She takes the spice package which is normally used for the bundt cake 
"swirl" and dumps it into the mix. SLop breathlessly announces her 
secret ingredient: pumpkin pie spice. Hmm, a copper-colored KA mixer. 

SLop then butters the pan with a stick of butter. SL loves the shapes of 
bundt pans and takes out the extra stuffing from the oven. She then adds 
flour to the Teflon pan to coat it. Hmm, kinda heavy on the butter and 
flour there... She then adds one cup of canned pumpkin to the mix. SLop 
explains that she added the flour in pan because it helps the cake dough 
rise. Moron.

While the cake bakes, she works on the glaze. She puts a MV cake onto a 
cooling rack and mixes OJ and one whole big bag of powdered sugar with a 
whisk. She then adds OJ liquor (beware of open flames) and then colors 
it with 20 drops of yellow food coloring and 4 drops of red to make it 
orange. Unfortunately, it's the same color as Cheeze Whiz. NO SLop, that 
is NOT a perfect pumpkin orange color! I guess it doesn't matter anyway 
since it's going to be a centerpiece. She takes another break before 
showing us how to make the "No gay bow kay". ANOTHER break? Criminy! She 
puts the brown crown roast on a brown serving plate and just HAS to 
taste the drippings. She has a little orgasm in her mouth but alas, 
she's not going to make it into gravy this time.

We cut to a yet ANOTHER commercial break and hmm, those Helman's recipes 
look so much better than  SLop's concoctions. Heh. Then we see a promo 
for Half Baked SLop. Hmm, I just noticed she looks SO stoned out of her 
gourd at the end, where she's sitting next to a bunch of giant lollipops 
wearing a pink sweater with the hair mussing her hair as she stares 
vacantly into space...

We return to the show and SLop announces "Happy Thanksgiving COCKTAIL 
TIME!" as the now familiar pop-up graphic reveals itself. SLop announces 
she's going to make a hot apple cider toddie. What about that iced 
coffee you promised earlier? SLop heats up cider and two big shots of 
whisky (warning us about any open flames nearby), then takes a stick of 
butter and mixes it with some nutmeg and cinnamon and ground cloves and 
brown sugar in the copper KA mixing machine. SLop likes the butter 
because it makes the drink rich and delicious. Yeah, what HAVEN'T you 
described as "rich and delicious"? She then dumps the butter mixture 
into glasses with a cinnamon stick and embellished with leaves. Hmm, she 
didn't use clothespins, thank gawd. She mixes some pumpkin pie spices 
and graham cracker crumbs as a topping. For a drink? The hell? SLop 
takes one tub of coolwhip and mixes in some rum extract. I am totally 
shocked that she didn't  put it into another container to do this. SLop 
explains that there's no need to mess up another bowl and that the 
extract will makes the coolwhip taste fresh. SLop then dumps the cider 
into a measuring cup, then into the heatproof cognac glasses. Didn't you 
just tell us not to use more dishes than necessary?
She then adds a dollop of coolwhip to each one and sprinkles the graham 
cracker mix over it. Gag me with a spoon. A dessert cocktail!

SLop walks to the tablescape with a goblet of her "dessert cocktail" in 
each hand and sets them down. She then shows us how to make that "no gay 
foze scape": Take some leaves and bundle them with berry wire, then add 
some roses, clipping long ends with a pair of pliers (I would use 
scissors myself) and shoving the whole thing into the center of the 
cake. I feel sorry for that poor pheasant thing on the table. She also 
recommends using the extra berry wire and  a leaf around the stems of 
your glassware to make a beautiful glass that everyone will love. Ewww! 
There's a shot of the glass filled with what looks like vomit streaked 
with something white! She used umber colored tablecloth with matching 
napkins so everything matches. SLop then shows us her lovely pheasant 
centerpiece that she embellished with leaves and feathers, except it's 
ghastly. Why didn't she use a TURKEY, for gawd's sake? SLop says she's 
going to be serving the supper (which consists of crown roast and that 
nasty cider) buffet-style, but for some reason put place settings at the 
same table as the food. Idiot. Anyhow, SLop announces she has to refill 
her cups (for "Colleen", I guess) and sways as she closes out with a 
lame variation of her "Keep it semi-homemade" line.

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Some random notes from the very first ep which started it all:

Sandra takes a trip to the bakery for ideas and claims that she can make a 
better banana pastry than theirs. Bitch!

Back at home, she tells us "It takes HOURS to make berry cobbler" (Oh 
really?) and makes the first of many misuses of "literally" ("literally to 
die from", "literally fell asleep in my plate", etc). 

After gathering the ingredients for the cobbler, she tells us "These 
ingredients are easy to make yourself". Rum extract? Flour? Tubes of cookie 
dough? easy to make yourself?

SLop shamelessly relates her first experience cooking with rum and how she 
"almost" burned the house down. No WONDER she warns us all the time!

Sandra claims that her rum raspberry trifle that she made with twinkies, rum 
+ strawberry jam and a pudding cup "tastes like scratch", whatever that 
means. She samples her concoction and has her first of many foodgasms of her 
illustrious career..

Bwah! In the glamour shot of the cobbler, one can visibly see sinking ice 

VO: "Everything you see can not be easier to make".

Sandra tells us about her friend who can't make a cake from a box mix. Who 
the hell is that inept, besides you?

Sandra tells us to only let the frozen puff pastry thaw for 30 minutes so 
it's not room temp. I have to call her on this one, as I recently made 
something from Good Eats which required puff pastry for about 20 minutes and 
it was almost too soft.

Sandra spins a disjointed tale about how her grannie used to make clothes for 
movie stars and how SLop worked for mashed bananas with maple syrup, which 
made her think that bananas were a treat for the longest time.

SLop's tip: If you want to make larger "purses", cut larger pieces of dough.

SLop removes the purses from the oven and starts to eat one, cooing "You, my 
love, are going to be EATEN!". Gah!

While making the Cabana Rum, SLop confesses that she "literally stole this 
recipe from a trip to Jamaica" (hmmm) and then tells us about how much more 
potent rum is there and how she and a friend drank too much and passed out at 
her friend's parents' dinner table, claiming they "literally fell asleep in 
our plates". She then issues this weird belated apology to the Chandlers. 

VO: "I'm simply adding cherry 'juice' right out of the jar!" 

With a gleeful "Me open bottle! me open bottle!", SLop manages to open a 
bottle of champaign!

Sandra makes Sangria (not boiled!) and asks "Can u tell I like brandy? I put 
it in everything!" Oh really?

VO: "This is my fav part of the day, making tablescapes" Normally this is 
where we can tell by the graphic on the screen that it's now "Sandra's 
Cocktail Time!", but that effect hadn't been invented yet. SLop claims that a 
fan sent her an email and proceeds to read it, via another VO. Yeah, right, a 
"fan" sent you email before your show even aired... In the letter, a "fan" 
asks for what she can do to make her 10th anniversary special. Sandra's 
response? Sherbert shooters! Yeah, nothing says "klassy" like sherbet 
shooters on your second honeymoon. I am really surprised she didn't mention 
pixie stix.

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