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David T. Cole

Quotes: I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland

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I had to use Google to find the source of the thread title quotation.  I may have been the only viewer in America who did not enjoy The Queen of Jordan episode.   I have never rewatched it.  Maybe enough time (and gas) has passed now.

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"Everyone shout out words to describe my beauty!"

"Fading."

"80's."

"1880's."

 

Jenna: Look how full of cheese my mouth is.

Jerrem: That's not that much cheese.

 

Jenna: Listen up fives, a ten is speaking.

 

Liz: I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor says that if I keep doing it, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

 

Mr. Bright: I just wandered around the building all night. Didn't run into a single living soul. Except one gigantic lesbian. Who is Conan O'Brien and why is she so sad?

 

Liz: I'm gonna go talk to some food about this.

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Jenna:  You know I've always reminded myself of Grace Kelly.

 

Jack:  Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

 

Jack:  Good Lord! The Worm. That’s so degrading. Are its origins German?

 

Kenneth:  Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.

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Let's be honest, this is one of the most quotable shows ever. But instead of listing the scripts in their entirety, I'll tell you the one that got me started watching this show.

Kenneth: "I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin. I always just write in the Lord's name."

Jack: "That's Republican. We count those."

 

But, here's the one that made me obsessed with the show.

Tracy: "Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?" 

Edited by BoogieBurns
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Let's be honest, this is one of the most quotable shows ever.

 

Seriously!  I think my last missive in the twop thread, I listed out at least a hundred of my favorites.  I'm actually very bummed I forgot to save that post...

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Liz: “Look out New York! Liz Lemon is 41, covered with paint, and looking for a new best friend!”

 

Jenna: “Kevin, you’ve got a good heart. I hope you get in a car accident someday so I can have it!”

 

Liz: “How did you get in here? You showed the security guy your boobs, didn’t you?”

Jenna: “Just one. It’s not the White House.”

 

Jenna: “That guy wanted to buy you a drink.”

Liz: “Really? I already have a drink; do you think he’d buy me mozzarella sticks?”

 

Jenna: “We’re all models west of the Alleghany!”

 

Liz (commenting on bad date): “It was so awkward the waitress gave us separate checks without asking.”

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Liz: I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

 

Liz: No. It okay, don't be cry.

 

Jack: The closest I came to vomiting tonight was when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades.

 

Kenneth: The sun is up, God can see us now!

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Jack: The closest I came to vomiting tonight was when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades.

 

Ha!  Is this from Apollo, Apollo?  Love that episode.  I'm usually about the dialog in 30 Rock, but the Muppets visuals in that episode were perfect.

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Ha!  Is this from Apollo, Apollo?  Love that episode.  I'm usually about the dialog in 30 Rock, but the Muppets visuals in that episode were perfect.

 

Yes! I love that one too. Mainly because it also holds these gems:

 

Liz (on the phone with Jack): My mails been piling up and I keep forgetting to buy toilet paper.

Jack: What's that supposed to mean?

Liz: Nothing, I'm on my way.

 

Jack: I'm going to find out what's in that box, buy it with money and it will make me happy. And if that doesn't work I'm going to Benjamin Button myself.

Liz: We're not meeting in the middle.

 

Dennis: I'm sorry my disease made you a victim of my sexual charisma.  

 

Jack's list of things he wanted to do before he turned 50: Go to Disneyland, ride in an airplane, kiss Peggy Fleming, live in a house with stairs, beat up a Russian and hit mom with a car.

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My favorite quote from Apollo, Apollo is when Dennis is trying to explain his new business venture:

Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?
Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere!
Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...

 

Though, anything out of Dennis Duffy is comic gold for me.

 "That girl said she was 16, but I swear to god, she sounded 22!"

"You think I'm just gonna give up now?  I'm a Duffy, Liz!  We didn't give up when we got kicked out of Ireland.  We didn't give up when America sent us back, and we didn't give up when Ireland then sent us adrift on a log."

Edited by Princess Sparkle
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"Rosemary's Baby" is one of my top 5 favorite episodes, and includes these gems -

 

Rosemary: “We would’ve done that on The Mandrell Sisters!”

“Live TV is like sex; it’s almost better when everything goes horribly wrong.”

“It’s called Little Chechnya. This neighborhood has more murders per capita than Detroit; try not to write while you’re living here!”

 

Liz: “I can’t end up like that, I’ve got to make money and save it. And I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that?”

Jack: “With my eyes closed.”

 

Jack: “Never go with a hippy to a second location.”

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Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?

Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

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I think it was in a very early episode. It was the line that hooked me on 30 Rock: Jack responding to Liz about why he was wearing a tux. "It's after six! What am I, a farmer?" The disdain in his voice was perfect Jack.

 

And I've used some variation of this line ever since.

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Jack Welsh to Jack: "Look, I know how much Don meant to you, and if you need to pass some eye water, I'll be happy to get you some weakness tissues."

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Tracey on Larry King Live

 

Larry King: "Bill Hewett, undersecretary of the Treasury, what advice can you give our viewers in these uncertain times?"

Bill Hewett:  "The worst thing you can do at a time like this is to pull out your investments, don't panic because --"

Tracey: "Devil's Avocado here Larry. I think people should freak the geek out!"

 

I now love telling people I'm playing Devil's Avocado

Edited by RealityGal
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Jack: Well, I had a Porterhouse for Two alone. I'm very angry and sleepy.

 

Jenna: But there's a positive message at the end of it. If you're a woman in Connecticut SlaughterFace will kill you. < I am a woman in Connecticut so this thrilled me.

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"Hi, this is Tracy's cell phone. Dotcom, hold the steering wheel, I gotta leave my outgoing message. What'd I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dotcom, this did not happen! We take this to our graves!"

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I couldn't remember Jack's fist names, so I had to look it up. Now I need to remind everyone.

 

Jack: You are both a disgrace to the Donaghy name!
Jack's Dad: It's pronounced "Don-a-fee," you lace-curtain half-an-Englishman!
Jack: When I think of all the things that I've been holding inside me that I wanted to say to you... [raises fists] Well now I'm gonna let "Saint Patrick" and "Saint Michael" DO MY TALKING FOR ME!
Jack's Dad: [raises fists] You'll have to get through "Tip O'Neill" and "Bobby Sands" first!
Eddie Donaghy: You call those fist names?! [raises fists] Say hello to "Bono" and "Sandra Day O'Connor!"
Jack: Those are the stupidest fist names I've ever heard.

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Tracy lamenting is childhood (one line from a killer riff):

"Our basketball hoop was a ribcage. A ribcage!"

"I saw a prostitute stab a clown."  "A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's."  Tracy

 

"And there ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cuz a Liz Lemon party is MANDATORY,"  Liz

 

"Are there other black nerds, or is it just you and Urkel?"  Frank 

 

I love the way Pete yells "YES!  HORNBERGER!"

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This exchange when Liz and Kenneth are searching for Tracy:

 

Enzo: Welcome to Federici's. What can I get for you guys?
Liz: Well, as hard as it is to believe given our apparent ages, this is my son.
Enzo: Seems about right.
Liz: Kay. Good. My son is currently studying at a local pizza academy -
Enzo: Really? Which one?
Kenneth: New... York... Pizza Academy.
Enzo: Well then I hate you. Because I'm a Pizza Academy of New York man.
Kenneth: Wonderful.
Enzo: So, what fraternity are you pledging?
Kenneth: I'm not. There are no fraternities at New York Pizza Academy.
Enzo: That's right. You correctly answered my trick question. Now I'm bound by pizza academy tradition to grant you any request.
Liz: Wow. This could not have gone any better.
Kenneth: We need to see all of your delivery receipts from the last two months.
Enzo: Ahhh you got that delivery receipt exam comin' up, huh? What a bear. Here you go. Take your time. I'll be in the back trying to think of other ways to help you.
Kenneth: Well this is obviously a dead end.

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Mr. EB and I use "What am I, a farmer?" and "Never go with a hippie to a second location" all the time.

We have Mexican food at least once a week so "Like sex after a burrito - a guaranteed disaster" always comes in handy on those days.

Another good one from Jack: "I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help."

Tracy: Want to know another key to success?
Kenneth: I do, Mr. Jordan.
Tracy: Dress every day like you're gonna get murdered in those clothes.

Tracy: What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?
Kenneth: Be a good listener, a giver of gifts, and work that va jay jay.

Jenna: I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz: Yeah, so now you just have to make yourself ten years younger and Asian.

Jack: I bow hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping.

Jack: Once I set my mind to something, I have to accomplish it. Ten years ago I was an inch and a half shorter than I am today. Sheer will power.

Liz: You are unbelievable!
Tracy: I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate! That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.
Liz: No, Bill Cosby said that.
Tracy: That's racist!
Pete: We can all agree that generally Liz is pretty racist.

Liz: Don't look at me with your eyebrows all up. It's so annoying.
Jenna: Oh, yes, I'm annoying, not the man who honked your boobs on the jumbo screen.

Liz: You don't get to give dating advice. You sent a letter to Scott Peterson.
Jenna: After he dyed his hair and got super thin from all the stress.

Jack: Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this mediocrity?
Liz: What? Cause I'm eating a turkey sub?
Jack: Your turkey sub, your clothes, the fact that a woman of your resources and position lives like some boxcar hobo.

Kenneth: And that former call girl went on to become one of NBC's biggest news anchors!

Jenna: I had a little botox and some collagen and a chemical peel and something with shark DNA.

Frank: You sell beepers?
Dennis: I sell a way of life, my friend.

Tracy: When you purchase Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.

Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Tracy: I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred and I am Wayne Brady.
Liz: No, Wayne Brady has three Emmys and you have one People's Choice award that you stole from Wayne Brady.

Frank: You got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy: I can tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: Oh, what was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies' room at the Ivy.
Pete: No.
Tracy: I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan. And not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.

Liz: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan and I think he's having a reaction to some of the medication you put him on.
Dr. Spaceman: I was afraid that might happen. You know, he's on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there's no telling how they'll mix. But what can you do? Medicine's not a science.
Liz: What exactly are you treating [Tracy] for?
Dr. Spaceman: Well there's not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically it's erratic tendencies and delusions brought on my excessive notoriety. And certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments.

Dennis: You gotta call Ticketmaster right away, Nickelback just added another date, right? And I would do it on your computer but I'm downloading a game right now.

Jack: I want to get my friend something personal. Do you think she would prefer this handsome attache which says, "You are a woman of substance and I respect you," or this collection of ladies' unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place?

Jenna: They're cute. Do you think they're Wall Street Guys?
Liz: Yeah, I think they're from the firm of Date Rape, Cokington, Cheeseball, and Jag.

Dennis: Dear Liz Lemon, While other women have bigger boobs than you, no woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us. And for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we would be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation" which gives you women the right to choose, and you have chosen to abort me and with that I must live with. So tonight when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights. I'll always love you. Good bye and good luck. I'll never forget you.

Jack: [My girlfriend] works all the time. She's always traveling. It's a headache. Who needs that? That's why I'm always dating 20 year olds.
Dennis: Let me tell you about 20 year olds, my friend. Half of them are 16.

Dennis: It's like my cousin Teddy's dog. Sometimes he just doesn't want to lick my feet so what I do is I hide my feet from him for a couple of days and then when he sees them he goes bananas. So Jack, in this example Liz is the dog and I am my feet. You see what I'm saying?

Dennis: I know this might be emotional for you so there's a meatball sub in the fridge.

Liz's list about Dennis:
Pros:
basically nice
takes good care of his feet
makes good chili
remembers my birthday
rarely wants to do it
is funny when he goofs on his friends
doesn't care about money
loyal
too lazy to cheat
would increase likelihood of a blue-eyed kid
loves The Simpsons
has good hair
has already seen me throw up two times
fixed tv
Jack likes him

Cons:
not "super" smart
listens to Winger
dental hygiene
wears acid wash denim
always wants foot rubs
not much money
catholic
doesn’t like his mother
I don’t like his mother
his mother doesn’t like me
loves Family Guy
reads The Post
insists on spending holidays with his mother
has already seen me throw up
attempted threeway
racist
wears Italian horn even though Irish
Jack likes him

Chris Hansen: Good evening, sir. I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. Can I ask you what you're doing here tonight?
Dennis: Oh, yeah, I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.
Liz: OMIGAWD.
Chris Hansen: And do you know how old Mary is?
Dennis: Yeah, uh, 22, I think.
Chris Hansen: You want to try again?
Dennis: Crap! [tries to turn off tv] That girl said she was 16 but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.
 

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Liz: So Cerie, how long have you known this guy that you're marrying?
Cerie: It'll be two months in three weeks.
Liz: It just kind of seems like you're rushing into it a little bit.
Cerie: I guess, but we both want to have babies while it's still cool. I already have all the names picked out. If it's a girl, Bookcase. Or Sandstorm. Or maybe Hat, but that's more of a boy's name.
Liz: It's just you're so young, Cerie. There's no big hurry to have babies. I mean, there are other things in life, like having a career and working and having a job and working.
Cerie: You can have a career any time but you only have a really short period where you can be a young hot mom. If you wait too long, you could be like 50 at your kid's graduation.

Jenna: Paul Newman or Robert Redford?
Liz: I've told you a thousand times, Newman - because I enjoy his salad dressings and lemonade.

Dr. Spaceman: This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz: Oh, hi, I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writer's Guild Health Manual.
Dr. Spaceman: I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Liz: Do not bother Jack. He is in a weird place right now.
Tracy: Bebe Jackson's condo?
Liz: No.
Tracy: A children's clothing store in Dubai?
Liz: Stop guessing!

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Jack: You know Arsenio?
Tracy: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy: No.

Tracy: Jack Donaghy, you are the best. I'm going to make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

Tracy: Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we've always needed it - until now. By burning three different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine takes bread out of the equation. Now your sandwich is all of the good stuff. That's delicious!
Dr. Spaceman: And it's healthy. Hi, I'm Dr. Leo Spaceman. I'm a working physician with a degree from the Ho Chi Minh City School of Medicine.
Tracy: Dr. Space Man, is it true that bread eats away at your brain?
Dr. Spaceman: We have no way of knowing because the powerful bread lobby keeps stopping my research.
Tracy: Well, folks, bread will never maybe attack your brain again.

Jack: I'm sorry, Jenna. I smelled crazy in here and I assumed it was you.

Jenna: You couldn't have been serious about acting for a living. You have brown hair.

Jack: That's how our Bottoms Up program works, Kenneth. I'm going to be your bottom and I want you to ride me a hard as you can.

Tracy: My mom boyfriend's Sonny used to come over twice a month. You knew when Sonny was coming over because she would take us to the store and buy two steaks and a bottle of Nair with cocoa butter.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Jack: Josh is not your friend now. He's your opponent. He's going to try to grab all the marble and it's our job to hide them.
Liz: That's not how you play marbles, Jack.
Jack: But that's how you keep them.

Tracy: Yo, remember that email we got from those Nigerians that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa? We did it! I got the check today. I would have been happy if our only reward was just helping that dethroned prince of Nigeria, but this is great! We should treat ourselves.
Dot Com: Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi?
Tracy: Nah, I don't even uses the ones I have.

Kenneth: I picked up your lunch from Sylvia's. Extra cornbread because I know you like it.
Tracy: Like it? I love it! I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Tracy: K, you like doing stuff for me, right? How would you like to be in my entourage?
Kenneth: Well, that sounds like fun! What would I do?
Tracy: Well, let's see. Dot Com does the driving and the cooking. Grizz is in charge of sitting on me when I get overstimulated. But I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.

Liz: What are you going to say if they ask you about '08?
Jenna: Well, of course I want Hillary to be the first woman president.
Liz: Ugh, no. Obama. You support Barack Obama. Remember you liked those pictures of him at the beach?
Jenna: Oh, right. Obama - what is he, Hispanic?
Liz: No, he's black.
Jenna: And he's running for president? Good luck.

Jack: This ought to prove my mother wrong, saying that Donaghy is Gaelic for failure. What the hell does she know? She's a Murphy - bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.

Jack: As you may have read in Robert Parker's wine newsletter, "Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus."

Kenneth: Hey, Matthew, you want some juicy office gossip? They're closing the C-bank elevators for maintenance!

Ridikulos: What color plane do you want to buy?
Jack: Clear, like Wonder Woman's.

Tracy: Ken, I just wanted you to know that I've loved being your mentor. And it's been an honor having you be my manatee.

Tracy: I'm just going through the classic stages of grief - fear, denial, horniness, wisdom, sleepiness, and now depression.

Kenneth: Aren't you the man who told me to live every week like it's Shark Week? And that nothing's impossible except for dinosaurs?

Steven: I know you like food so I found this really neat Canadian restaurant in Times Square.

Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman who doesn't like you is racist?
Steven: No, no, no. Some women are gay.

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Jenna: What class do you want to take?
Liz: Anything that doesn't have the word strip, salsa, or beatz with a Z in the name.
Jenna: Cardio hip hop groove it is then!

Pete: Remember that little secret I told you about Hornberger family planning?
Liz: You mean that you flat out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me that backfired.

Tracy: Hey, Liz Lemon, you know where I can find a good church?
Liz: How good? Like Judaism good or just like Unitarian?

Tracy: I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe that vampire are the greatest golfers but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet.

Tracy: What's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz: I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Jenna: Kabbalah is a wonderful religion that mixes the fun part of Judaism with magic.

Liz: I'm gonna go talk to some food about this.

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Hot dog vendor: Church on a Tuesday? But he seemed so normal.

Tracy: Dr. Spaceman, when they check my DNA will it tell me what diseases I might get or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?
Dr.  Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

Dr. Spaceman: Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Mmm, different time, the 60s.

Liz: I just wish people would tell you immediately when you meet them, "Hi, I am so and so. Here's all the weird stuff about me."

Pete: Love is like an onion. You peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just weeping over the sink.

Dr. Spaceman: Now I'm very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality, so I'm going to have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.

Dr. Spaceman: According to my DNA database, you are a direct descendant of our third president.
Tracy: Jasper Buckleman?

Kenneth: Just like Sidney Bristow on Alias, I'll use my sexuality as a weapon. To the wig shop!

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Jack: I'm developing a daytime talk show with Sully Sullenberger.
Carol: Yeah, I've met that guy. He's not that great. You know what a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds. That's what I do every day. Not hit birds. Where's my ticket to the Grammys?

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