Heard Around Litchfield and the Environs: The Quotes of OITNB

[Ms Blue Jay]

Cesar: He had one leg! I mean, you don't just run around losing body parts. That's some irresponsible shit!

 

This is some genius.

[I Love Me]

Alex to Piper: You've got a strong brew.

 

A big thank you to the writers for making this discussion less childish than how this it is normally played out (usually between asshole-type guys).  The adult way in which both woman handled it was refreshing.  I was waiting on Piper to act all offended then leave in a big huff.  I was pleasantly surprised when she only made a face, a small disappointed noise and then carried on.  Way to be adults!      

[ElectricBoogaloo]

O'Neill: If I get the maple bacon, that's kind of paleo, right?

Wanda: Only if you killed it yourself with a cross bow.

Donus: You should try the red velvet. It's new.

Wanda: Oh geez.

O'Neill: Do I look like an idiot to you?

Donuts: No.

O'Neill: You think you can squeeze an extra dollar out of me because it's like ooh, trendy, it looks like it's bleeding? No, in your heart of hearts, you know as well as I do red velvet is bull shit! It tastes like playdoh. It's not velvety. And the only thing that's good about it is the cream cheese frosting which is meant to live on top of carrot cake like God intended. Red velvet isn't a thing.

Wanda: Red velvet can go to hell.

 

Chang: Hey, lesbians. My eyes squinty but ears work fine.

Alex: I'm sorry. I laugh when I see something super weird.

 

Piper: Chang, sorry about the other day.

Chang: Thank you, lesbian.

 

Flaca: Somehow my khakis be feeling extra khaki right now.

Piper: Oh, come on, Gonzalez. Looks are superficial. Everybody knows it's about talent, originality, a sense of humor.

[both crack up]

Piper: What do you think it's like to be [the Whispers model] in real life?

Flaca: She eats pills and ice cream and cries at night and she cuts herself but on her scalp so no one can see.
Piper: So it's still better than our lives!

 

Cindy: White bitches, white bitches. All right, check it. How many pages you think it is before they put in a token blackie? And how dark is she? Scale of one to Grace Jones.

Watson: All right. Fourteen and four.

Cindy: So close. Here she is. Page eleven.

Watson: That's not too bad.

Cindy: But she's like a two. The bitch got blue eyes.

Watson: But damn, look at her abs though.

Cindy: I know, right?

 

Watson: What page you got to get to before you see a Spanish girl?

Flaca: If you're talking about Latinas, it's like twenty different countries that all look different. See this blonde chick? She could be Latina. You don't know.

Cindy: Let me see. Nah, she probably ain't though.

Flaca: No, probably not. Man, I gotta start running or something.

Watson: I ran all the time and boys just thought I was weird.

Flaca: It's all photoshopped anyway. Special lighting, tape and shit. We're chasing an unachievable standard.

Cindy: I ain't chasing nothing. I'm a strong black woman and we got a different standard of beauty in our community.

Flaca: Natural.

Cindy: Excuse me?

Flaca: Beyonce.

Watson: Uh uh, don't you say nothing about Bae.

Flaca: She ain't out there with her nappy hair and her plus sized dashiki, okay? She playing a white girl game.

Watson: And she winning.

Cindy: Winning! And you're proving my point exactly, Morticia. They have a way for black women to be beautiful. A white girl though? They just gotta be skinny.

 

Brooke: You know what sucks? Belonging to a race that doesn't commit enough low value crimes to be relevant in a place like this. Where's my big Asian prison family?

Chang: You Scottish.

Brooke: Not to white people I'm not. One drop of ethnic blood and bam, I'm basically made in China like you and my toothbrush.

Chang: You Scottish.

 

Morello: Do you know anything about birds?

Alex: Owls eat the whole mice and then throw up the bones, Big Bird is yellow, and coq au vin is delicious.

 

Piper: I too was once embarrassed and squeamish by my personal eau de parfum, but then I thought why should I be ashamed? Isn't that a part of the self-hatred that has been bred into me by the patriarchy? And are those same men that would shame me not the same men that would wear my panties on their faces, inhaling deeply? Ladies, now is the time to be bold. For when these men smell your panties, they are smelling your character. Let them smell daring and courage. Let them smell women who are unabashed and unself-conscious. And let them say that Litchfield, Litchfield is a place where women love their bodies and have love to spare. Sisters, we may be incarcerated but our panties will travel the world, and in that way, long after we are gone our smell, our smell will linger in some gas station in Toronto, in some office cubicle in Tokyo. And in that way, we are known. And in that way, we are remembered. Do you want to be remembered? Then sweat profusely and fart with abandon make a reek, make a reek, my sisters. Make a reek to last one thousand years!

Edited June 19, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[FozzyBear]

Cesar: He had one leg! I mean, you don't just run around losing body parts. That's some irresponsible shit!

I've heard some great Oscar Wilde riffs in my day, but this might be my favorite ever.

Here's another I really loved:

Morello'so BF: I got mad feeling for you. Like Pauly D J-Wow feelings.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

The Time Hump Chronicles from 3.7 and 3.8:

 

Berdie: I can't let you perform this in class.
Crazy Eyes: It's not a solo piece. I'm gonna cast the other parts. Of course, I'd play Edwina. I know she has freckles and a more ample bosom than I, but I think we can use our imaginations.
Berdie: How do I put this constructively? This piece of writing is obscene. It's pornographic.
Crazy Eyes: No, it's erotically inclined.
Berdie: "His purple love muscle"? "Her three holes opened, ready to be explored by his swollen pangolin." I don't even know what a pangolin is.
Crazy Eyes: It's  a mammal with scales. And in this context, it's [gestures with her fingers]
Berdie: Yeah, okay. I got it. This was not the assignment.
Crazy Eyes: You asked us to our imagination.
Berdie: I asked you to reimagine a primary life experience, not write a kinky sex fantasy set in space.
Crazy Eyes: It's not sex. It's love. It's two people connecting. With four other people. And aliens.
**********************************************
Crazy Eyes: She said it's dirty and it's wrong and she hated it.
Taystee: Hated what? Your story? You've been working so hard too. Come on now. Cause one person doesn't like it? You know, Stephen King got rejected a bazillion times before anyone looked at his shit. Fucking JK Rowling. Some punkass publisher read Harry fucking Potter and was like, "Nope." Now I haven't read this yet, but knowing this wacky brain of yours, I'm sure it's got to be mad interesting.
Crazy Eyes: She said it was vulgar.
***********************************************
Taystee: This isn't readable.
Poussey: What is it?
Taystee: Suzanne's erotica. It's worse than Fifty Shades!
Poussey: Not possible. How many times she use the word "geez"?
Taystee: It's fucking gross. She's got a sentence that goes on a whole paragraph about some lady's clit that turns into a caterpillar.
Crazy Eyes: Finished! Two new chapters. I eagerly await your thoughts, madame editor. Peruse at your leisure.
Taystee: I ain't perusing shit.
Poussey: Well let me see it! "The admiral thrust his pork sword into her squish mitten"?
***********************************************
Poussey: Suzanne, I've been reading your story.
Crazy Eyes: Okay.
Poussey: So who does Edwina choose? Gilly or Space Admiral Rodcocker?
Crazy Eyes: I haven't decided yet.
Poussey: You can't leave me hanging here.
Crazy Eyes: Well technically, they're not even in the same timeline. The admiral is in the future. Gilly is in the past. And Edwina, she can move through time, but only in one direction.
Poussey: See, I don't really care about that. I want to get off, you know?
Crazy Eyes: So you liked it?
Poussey: You know, it's weird as fuck, right? But it sucked me in.
************************************************
Annie: I want you to know I think there wasn't enough Rodcocker in the last chapter.
Poussey: Yeah, that's because Edwina left Rodcocker for Gilly.
Annie: Yeah, but he's coming back, right? I mean, Gilly's a wuss and Rodcocker is a Time Humper.
Poussey: No, Gilly is the only one that actually loves her. I mean, when Edwina's with Admiral Rodcocker, he's not even fully present cause he also be with other women in other dimensions.
Annie: Which is why he's so boss.
Cindy: I just want to say I'm also on Team Rodcocker, but I like that dude you introduced in chapter three who was made of Vaseline. I don't know why but that shit  was hot. But also tragic.
Poussey: Yo yo yo, but Edwina gonna stay with Gilly, right?
Annie: Rodcocker is the reason people reading this shit.
Cindy: Yo yo, is the Vaseline dude coming back?
*****************************************
Crazy Eyes: It's done. Now you should know, the story took an unexpected turn during the trial by lovemaking. Edwina? Blindfolded. She didn't know one membrane from another.
Poussey: What?! Who did she choose? Oh, man.
Crazy Eyes: Don't blame me. I'm but a lowly instrument to the muses.
*****************************************
Poussey: She went back to him. For sex. That's so cheap. Everything in this book is all about sex.
Taystee: It's because it's mean to be smut.
Poussey: It doesn't have to be. She had a chance for love but she blew it. You know there's no such thing as love really. Love is just sex without the money shot. That's why everybody loves a Rodcocker. Because he gives them the ten gallon money shot....I'm always gonna be lovely. Gilly couldn't find love and he's the purest soul in the universe.
Taystee: P, it's just a dirty story.
******************************************
Maureen: The third orifice is a wormhole? Sorry, no spoilers but they just explained how the time humping works.

[ZuluQueenOfDwarves]

Black Cindy when she notices the corporate reps as Taystee is trying to smuggle Crazy Eyes away from them:

"White people. And other."

It's not funny in print but her inflection and little hand gesture at the delivery killed me.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

[everyone singing "Do You Hear the People Sing?"]

Ford: Black people don't know this song.

[woodscommaelle]

Poussey: THIS IS STUPID!!!!!!!!

[ThatsDarling]

"I call her Ang 'cause she reminds me of Angelina Jolie." 

[ciprus]

Frieda: Her hand is on my half again.

Nina: Sorry.

Frieda: I need my space. And for the record, your timing sucks. That Rodcocker just fell into the orgasmator.

Woman: Hey, no spoilers!

I love everything Frieda says, it's automatically funny.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Young Daya: It's a balloon that looks like a condom!

Pennsatucky: So I get fucked and now I'm screwed.

Aleida: Jordache? Someone named their kid after pants?

Cal: It's like you're Madame Curie but stupid.

Pearson: Enjoy nose fucking your whiskey!

Edited June 23, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[JakeyJokes]

Morello: I really liked eating. It was part of my daily routine.

 

Boo: If you took a shit, then your shit took a shit and became mayor of Detroit, it wouldn’t even come close to the shitiness of that food.

 

Piper: I'm like American Apparel, with less implied statutory rape.

 

Pearson: Seems like a lot of Jews in here. Who are the Jews?

Caputo: I know, confusing, right? We used to have them wear the Star of David, but we had to quit doing that after World War II. I don't know why.

 

Pennsatucky: I could probably drive us right off the road at any second. Suicide. If we run over a king, that will make it regicide. Did you know that's what regicide is?

[baky]

Hands down, this show has the greatest quotes/references

 

Taystee: It's called fan fiction

Black Cindy: Kind of like the New Testament, am I right?

[I Love Me]

Pearson: Seems like a lot of Jews in here. Who are the Jews?

Caputo: I know, confusing, right? We used to have them wear the Star of David, but we had to quit doing that after World War II. I don't know why.

 

Love the "I don't know why."  Caputo even said it like he really was confused but still thought Pearson was being a dick.  Hee.  

[DianeDobbler]

Which episode has O'Neill, Donuts and Bell talking about Red Velvet cupcakes?

 

Edited June 25, 2015 by DianeDobbler

[Nanrad]

First or second maybe in the beginning.

[J C]

I love everything Frieda says, it's automatically funny.

 

Agreed!  And I feel the same about Chang.

 

Pennsatucky:  Hey ching chong Chang!

Chang:  Fuck you, cracker.

[Cherpumple]

I have to use this sometime....

 

Cal: I can't believe I'm saying this, but this isn't Dick Cheney's fault!

[jsm1125]

Morello to Piper (after Piper basically reveals to Daya that she grew up rich, despite protesting that she did not): "Do you hear yourself sometimes? Like when you speak?"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Freida: Why should I waste my time digging one six-foot hole when I could dig six one-foot holes? That's just murder math.

Lolly: Cosby dream shot!

Hapakuka: Everything I know about plumbing I learned from playing Mario Brothers.

Cesar's girlfriend: I heard that in prison, if you got big tits, you can hide stuff under there. Like, Botox needles. Pills that don't melt too easy.
Aleida: You get some kind of big tit newsletter?

Caputo: Do we even have a copy of The Wiz?
Taystee: Yeah, I found one in the library, under "Ethnic."

Suzanne: I don't know about this time machine, but in my experience, people travel through wormholes.
Morello: I thought your book was fictional.
Suzanne: No. Uh, the emotions were fictional, but the science was real.

Soso: Oh, my gosh. Come on, the beginning is so boring. Like, when they're all eating ham, and Diana Ross is just complaining about how she's never been below 125th Street.
Cindy: Hold up, hold up. You telling me, the premise of The Wiz is some bitch ain't never gone below 125th Street?

We should host our own film festival, that celebrates the accomplishments of white people. But that'll be hard, though, because Morgan Freeman's in, like, everything.

Suzanne: You might be using too much tin foil on the time machine. Messes with the electromagnetic radiation. Next time, try wax paper.

Luschek: I fucked Judy King.
Nicky: The old chef lady?
Luschek: Yeah, it was very Harold and Maude.
Nicky: Except you're 30 and broke. I mean, has she killed herself yet?

Edited July 8, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[jsm1125]

Alex: "I cannot go through this again. Ayden (spelling?) was not part of the NSA or the NCS. He was my boss' old hitman."
Lolly: "Not a very good one."
Alex: "He had his moments."

 

Polly: "What's your friend's name? Spout? Cylinder?"
Alex: "What? Piper?"

 

Red: "But with Freida's record, they will definitely question her."
Alex: "What's your record?"

Freida: "4 murders in a year. It was a crazy year."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Flaritza trying to convince Alex to let them give her a makeover: Please - let us fix your bustedness.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Yoga: All I'm saying is if you tell someone to go, then you can't blame them for leaving.

Alex: I'm all gay, all the time, so I'm never going to fuck you, Frenchy. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Piper: Where is Alex?
Alex Trebek: I'm here, bitch!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Flaca: Like Tía Mariana always says, just because you ate a McGriddle for breakfast, doesn't mean that you need to eat cheesecake and bacon-wrapped hot dogs for the rest of the day. You can always get a southwest chicken salad.

Nicky: You're a real jack-of-all-trades in here, aren't you, Adeola? Down for a sacrament and a shanking in the same afternoon.
Adeola: Yes, well, I was an evolutionary anthropologist in Lagos. So I was mainly interested in human behavior in a cultural context and the shifting dynamics of tribalism and in particular, how the disputes between social psychology and behavioral ecology negotiated themselves on a micro scale. That said, I will fuck up a bitch when necessary.

Sophia: You heard of James Baldwin?
Frieda: He one of the Baldwin brothers? I like Alec. Sexy! In that manly man way, you know? Like he's got hair on his back, but you don't mind. 
Sophia: James Baldwin was a writer and black and gay and not particularly hairy.

Luschek: When the fuck did Alvarez become commish? And why are we all pretending this painfully Caucasian guy is Hispanic?
Alvarez: It is not unusual for some Latino men to have fair pigmentation. Martin Sheen was born Ramon Antonio Gerardo Estevez.
Luschek: You fucking made that name up.

Taystee: Back in the group home, we used to play this game called Guess That Shit. It's where you're not allowed to say nothing, but people gotta guess what you pretending to be from the way you pretending it. When I got older, I found out white people call it charades.

Blanca: Baby, are you sitting down?
Diablo: Uh-huh. I'm sitting in a leather chair, and I'm strapped to it, so I can't move, and my back is getting very sweaty.
Blanca: No, are you actually sitting down?
Diablo: No.
Blanca: You're not going to believe what I'm about to say.
Diablo: It worked? You're pregnant!
Blanca: No. Actually, I got my period this morning. But we get to try again in person.
Diablo: Conjugal?
Blanca: No, the other way we could have sex.
Diablo: Anal? You know, I've always wanted to try but that won't get you pregnant.

Lorna: I also have a very narrow pelvis. And that's why I never had sex with a black guy.
Adeola: You would be surprised what the human body can accommodate.

Nicky: Do you, Piper, accept this key ring from Luschek's key chain he was using to hold a Duane Reade savings card as a token of Alex's eternal appreciation and love?
Piper: I do.
Nicky: Then, Alex, please slide that fucker on there. Do you, Alex, accept this contraband paperclip we found in the law library in a book about the landmark case Bottoms v. Bottoms, which sounds fascinating, as a token of Piper's eternal appreciation and love?
Alex: I do.
Nicky: Well, then slide that fucker on there.

Flaca: I may sound kinda dumb, but my dumbness is highly cultivated to make me more attractive to insecure men.

Edited September 22, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[PeterPirate]

Charlize Theron.  As in, "Charlize Theron is the new YMMV".

[Oldcrone]

So many wonderful lines.... but one of my favorites is Black Cindy walking away saying "Where my dreidel at?" just cracks me up. 

[mj2000]

Nicky: Im a bean flicking Mother Theresa. It's all about giving.

[JakeyJokes]

Flaca: You're being a Mariah.

Cindy: You mean a pariah?

Flaca: No. Mariah. Nobody wants to work with you.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Flaca: Girl, you look hot. -
Maritza: Well, duh. I'm still me. 
Flaca: No, I mean sweaty.

Elmer: Tiffany Doggett, let's talk about why school sucks. Everyone. School. That's why we're all here, right? Why does school suck so bad? Anyone? Come on, you all must've hated something or else you would have graduated.
Akers: Homework.
Creech: Tests.
Zirconia: I actually really liked school, but my socioeconomic circumstances dictated that I drop out to earn my keep.
Doggett: Teachers who think they're better than you.
Elmer: Okay, I hope we can turn that one around.
Doggett: Teachers that talk about turning things around.
Elmer: You're quick, Ms. Doggett.
Doggett: But I also don't like reading, math, science, writing, calculators, the way chalk sounds, and I don't like the way it smells like soggy square pizza mixed with sadness.
Elmer: Wow. Thank you. Anyone else?
Akers: Fake bitches thinking they cute.
Elmer: Okay. Now, personally, I liked that part of school, but let's talk about this sentence. This is how people talk. Sounds good. And it works, meaning that it effectively conveys the speaker's thoughts. But in order to pass the GED, you all need to become proficient in reading and writing standard English.
Akers: You mean white English.
Elmer: Well, there are plenty of white people who aren't proficient in standard English, but you make an astute point. Now who can tell me the grammatically correct way to write this sentence? 
Creech: Fake-ass bitches thinking they cute.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gloria: I found this group online. It's called Freedom for Immigrants and they want to help people in here.
Flaca: Yeah, and I called them and I told them all about you - how cute and fly you are and how you're basically like the next Kylie Jenner and they have to save you. So they have this number to call so you can get a lawyer, a free lawyer, to come talk to you.
Maritza: Okay, but it's not a 1-800 number, right? Cause those don't work here, trust.
Flaca: No, no, no. All you do is hit pound and put these four numbers in, and that's it, it connects. Just like a hotline.
Maritza: 9-4-8-1. Girl, that's Beyoncé's birthday! Does that mean she's watching over me?
Flaca: That's what I said!