Heard Around Litchfield and the Environs: The Quotes of OITNB

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sophia: I think a nice faux hawk would give that "don't fuck with me" vibe.
Gloria: I mostly use my face for that.

Sophia: You ever been kissed by a six foot trans man?
Red: I'm good, thanks.

Edited June 8, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[millennium]

Luschek to Caputo: "You look like the gay Edge."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Carol: She always wore kitten heels. You know how grandmother felt about that.

Piper: The boiled carrots of footwear.

[cateinTO]

Behind every strong man is a strong c***-faced witch monster

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Polly: What is the matter with you?

Larry: So much.

Polly: You show up at my house like fucking Squiggy with a hard on. Maybe next time you decide to make some deranged declaration of love to an emotional zombie with a blocked milk duct and a husband who recently purchased an Aleutian hunting spear, you could consider calling first.

[MizStaken]

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm Australian. (Truer words have never been spoken)

[Lovecat]

Gloria: Prison IS gluten! Don't do the crime if you can't fucking digest flour!!

[Happy to be here]

SoSo: You tried to sell me for a blanket?  

Piper:  Well when you put it that way...

SoSo:  You are sick, you know that?  You are seriously fucked up.

Big Boo:  You know she's right Chapman.  You are a horrible person.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alex: What kind of a lesbian are you?

Piper: The boob touching kind.

Piper: it's not even 8am and I've already been felt up three times.

Red: How was it?

Piper: Not enough nipple play.

Red: If it were me, I'd kick him to death but we have different parenting ideas.

Edited June 9, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Poussey: You're like a pedophile without the sex.

Aleida: A lot of people are stupid and they still live full productive lives.

Guard: Little Caesar's. It's the only thing better than getting what you want.

Leanne: That should be their slogan.

Sister Jane: Go ahead, girls. Take a break from your values.

Leanne: That's another good slogan.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Healy: Just tell us how you're feeling.

Poussey: Bored.

Pennsatucky: Bored isn't a feeling.

Poussey: What do you mean it's not a feeling?

Pennsatucky: It's not on the feelings chart.

Poussey: Fine. Mad. I feel mad.

Healy: Okay. And why do you feel mad?

Poussey: Cause you told me I couldn't feel bored.

 

Brook: Gus is a webmaster for an anti-logging blog and Terry runs a bakery that sells anti-authoritarian cupcakes.

[SaabStory]

Nicky:  "I'm a sexual Steve Jobs"

[egavasc]

Along the same line as ^

Nicky: I'm the Mother Teresa of bean flicking

[egavasc]

Pennsatucky: Are you calling me Hilary Clinton?

Leanne: If the pantsuit fits.

[joanne3482]

Gloria: Prison IS gluten! Don't do the crime if you can't fucking digest flour!!

 

This killed me because I have Celiac and am GF and institutionalized eating can be difficult. 

[CofCinci]

"Always so rude, that one."

[kitcloudkicker]

This one, for the delivery and complete randomness of it: 
 

"Hey, you ever think about Jay Z and Beyoncé fucking? Cause I do. Like, more than I do myself, even. You don't think that's weird?"

[kitcloudkicker]

But also! Maybe my favorite of all: 

"O'Neill! Scatter the nuns!"
"RUN, NUNS, RUN!"

[Jade Foxx]

Piper: You decide to tell me that with your flaccid dick in my mouth? (great delivery!)

Edited June 10, 2014 by Jade Foxx

[egavasc]

Piper: Don't defend your boner to me!

[bravelittletoaster]

Nicky gets so many great lines, and I've always loved her trolling of Vauseman: "You two are like Spy vs. Spy with sex."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Poussey: You know who made up that "don't snitch" thing? Probably someone who deserved to be snitched on.

[Portia]

Caputo to Fig: "You're a horrible person, but you're sexy as hell." Boy, if I had a dime for time I've heard that.

[CodeNameDuchess]

"Mendez is back, bitches." 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Lorna: Hey, did you ever see that movie? The one where there's the cowboy and he's like the king of the castle and then this astronaut shows up and he tries to take over and so the cowboy attempts to murder him but instead the astronaut is taken hostage by this evil psychopath and the cowboy has to rescue him and then they end up becoming really good friends.

Rosa: Toy Story?

[sweetcookieface]

Piper: Menses! Menses!

[buttercupia]

Caputo to Fig - "Yeah, they used to call me Beer Can in high school."

[heckkitty]

"Hey, not lesbians"

[CleoCaesar]

Red: "It's like, step one, pick the person to kill. Step two, kill that person."

 

Also, "Scatter the nuns!!" will become a part of my regular vocabulary.

[piewarmer]

Nichols: "You can't blame the wolf. Lamb's delicious. That's smart eating."

[ThatsDarling]

Spoiler below....

 

 

 

"You tried to kill me with a plastic bag so you can sell mascara in prison."

Edited June 21, 2014 by ThatsDarling

[ymewish]

Fig: "A lot of men shave thier balls, It dosn't mean they're gay"

[Princess Sparkle]

I think I damn near died at Pornstache screaming "We'll name him Stan!"  It was just so random, but he said it so earnestly.

[Iseut]

O'Neil: Jeez. Don't they say that humility is supposed to be a virtue or somethin'?

Yoga Jones: Yes, people in power do say that.

Edited July 1, 2014 by Iseut

[bravelittletoaster]

Caputo to Bennett: "When I told you to step up I meant it in a Coach Taylor kind of way."

[Dorne]

O'Neil:

This is a little song about the nuns
Fiercer, meaner, crueler than the Huns

I am forced to babysit them
When I thought that I had quit them
Oh, I kind of hope that they all get the runs

 

“We're nuns. We don't believe in divorce.”

 

This is a story about my mom and dad
And the divorce they should've had

[Lovecat]

Pete:  I'm NOT an alcoholic.  I'm AUSTRALIAN.

[eXiled]

Piper: Bitches gots to learn

[Penfold]

SPOILERISH!!!!!!

 

Black Cindy: "By the way, someone did rat you out...it was Boo."

Nicky: "Well, that was a short mystery."

[baky]

Piper:I spent a lot of time wondering if it would matter if I died.
Nicky:In the macro sense, no. You're one Cheerio in the bulk box of life. But, you fuckin' tickle me, so I think it would matter.

 

Piper at her granny's funeral wake:

"That's actually me , the felon"

 

am I the only one that finds Piper hilarious? 

Edited July 16, 2014 by baky

[bravelittletoaster]

Nah, I agree. I think she lands comedy more consistently than any other character. Especially in season 2 where a lot of previously comical characters take darker turns.

Edited July 16, 2014 by bravelittletoaster

[baky]

  

 

Edited July 16, 2014 by baky

[baky]

[Cherpumple]

Rosa: Who doesn't love a surgery with "oof" in the name?

[mywinston]

Piper: I like your sweater. It's soft. Like your resolve when you're offered a plea deal.

 

Alex: I thought you were going to tell the truth!

Piper: And I thought you were going to lie!

Alex: Jesus, we're like a fucking O. Henry story.

 

Crazy Eyes: You know, if you were still my wife, I'd tell you all the time how much I like your titties! 'cause girls like that. And that is a tip. From me, to you.

Alex's face after she says that is like 'yeah, fair enough' agreeance. Slays me.

 

Alex: 9 1/2, right?

Piper: Ten.

Alex: Did your feet swell when you went back to boys?

Piper: Fuck you.

Piper: I don't get it. I guess I'm the only one who cares if there's a funeral.

Alex: Okay, that's not the MOST self involved thing I've heard you say, but it's definitely up there.

[JakeyJokes]

Mama Pornstache: I've raised two other boys. One is in dental school and the other is in an art gallery.

Aleyda: OK. So you raised a sadist, a dentist, and a homo. Two sadists and a homo.

 

Yoga: Simon says deep breath. Raise your hands. Oh, Simon didn't say that. But that's okay. Simon wants you to form your own path.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Red: Nice is for cowards and Democrats.

Alex: You remember what he used to say? "A smile is like tight underwear. It lifts your cheeks."

Nicky: You like candy, right?

Luschek: Body by Butterfinger.

Nicky: I was speaking allegorically.

Luschek: You want to talk about Al Gore?

Prison admin: And you can fix that, honey?

Piper: If I concentrate really hard with my lady brain.

Edited June 14, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[I Love Me]

Crazy Eyes: *air quotes*

 

(while Piper and Alex are acting out the fruit exchange in drama class)

 

LOVED!

[JakeyJokes]

Maxwell: Please return your pencils after the test. If you don't return your pencil, you will receive ...

Crazy Eyes: ...A present!

Maxwell: ...A shot.

 

Taystee: Now, come on. Let's go clean up some pube hives.

Crazy Eyes: I like to think of them as pube nests.

Taystee: Everyone's got to have a fucking opinion!

 

Alex: She looks totally sketchy. And you know her princess is Jasmine.

 

Morello: My mother always said that silence can be the loudest thing. But she never shut the fuck up. Oh lordy this is hard...

 

Cesar: He had one leg! I mean, you don't just run around losing body parts. That's some irresponsible shit!

 

Cesar: Even your loser mother stuck around 'til you were two!

 

Cesar: Christina got some decent mommy skills. Maybe she can take care of the baby for a little while.

Daya: She's in junior high.

Cesar: So? Junior high will still be there!

Edited June 17, 2015 by JakeyJokes

[I Love Me]

Black Cindy: Of course fucking Chapman got it.  

 

Cesar: If I ever see him again I will shove a broken bottle up his ass and shoot him in the stomach so he bleeds slow.  That's what I'll do for you.

 

Cesar may be a psychopath but he is hysterical in his psychopathy.