Better Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Max: I wish you smoked pot, mom.
Sam: What?
Max: It would be good for you. It would mellow you out.

Max: Don't you want me to have clean, organic pot? You should want me to have good nugs.

Max: You should be happy I'm honest with you. I could just get [pot] and not tell you.
Sam: That might be a little better.
Max: Seriously?
Sam: Yeah. These things are normal, but you should be ashamed of them.
Max: You're my mom. I want you to know if I have sex or if I want to get high.
Sam: No, hide things from me. Please.

Jace: What are your search words?
Sam: What? I don't know what that is.
Jace: Everything you want is out there. You just need to know how to narrow it down to search words. Close your eyes and picture anything, and there is porn of that on the internet. If you want to see a fat man farting into a girl's mouth, type in fat fart mouth. Try it. Think about what you really want, and boil it down to three words.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Phyllis: What are you doing?
Sam: I just got back from working in Canada.
Phyllis: Canada? You know, it's legal to be a prostitute there. Fascinating, isn't it? If you're not a child. It's illegal to pay for a prostitute, but it's legal to be one.
Sam: Oh. Good.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: You should come to my house for dinner. Come have dinner with me and my girls. And my mom. Just be with a family for a night. You could have some home-cooked food or some home-ordered takeout.

Jeff: You guys go, like, way back.
Sam: Yeah. We go way, way back. You know this. My dad and I got in a fight, and, uh, he kicked me out of the house, and I was so scared, and she took me in, and she got me a job.
Jeff: Whoa.
Sam: Yeah, she was 19 and she was already taking care of people. She was amazing. She was full of confidence. She was so beautiful. I mean, I never knew anybody who had so much potential. And then she met you, Jeff. Jesus, did she love you. Yeah. And here's Sunny, this woman who loves so hard and she tries so hard, and she just ends up pouring all of that love into you for years. Jeff, do you know what that's like to watch your friend, someone you love, someone who is like a goddess with the power to fly to the moon and shine a light on the world, and she ends up using all of that power just to keep her fat, shit, useless, boring stoner husband barely afloat? It's just a shame, Jeff.
Jeff: Well, here's the thing. I know that you have sucked your share of dicks, huh? I've heard about you.
Sam: That's okay, buddy. Don't bother. I don't care what you know.
Jeff: Okay, well, here's the thing. I'm gonna have to say that I cannot believe that you just said all of that to me. Jesus, I'm offended. Serious.
Sam: Don't worry about it. You won't remember. You know why I know that? Because I said all of this to you five years ago, and you don't remember because you've smoked 10,000 joints since then, so good night, Jeff.

Duke: Are you gonna marry him?
Mel: Hey, Duke? You need to learn how to whisper.

Sam: Mom, did you take our phone book? Because I noticed all the neighbors have their phone books. 
Phyllis: No, no. Why would I take your phone book? I took my phone book, which was left at your step.
Sam: No, that's mine.
Phyllis: I always ask for two phone books, and they only brought one, so the one at your step must be mine.

Mel: Um, did you not tell your mother that you were bringing home a black man?
Sam: What? Oh, no. Of course not. That's not. No. I mean, what? No!
Mel: You should've told her.
Sam: No, no, no, no, no. I'm telling you, that's not a thing. My mother is just insane. She makes people feel weird. It's like her hobby.
Mel: No, Sam. She's over 70, okay? You warn her that a black man's coming over, even if it's to fix the cable box.
Sam: Omigawd. I'm telling you, my mother is not like that. She marched for integration.
Mel: It doesn't matter, okay? I'm not calling your mother racist. I'm calling her over 70. You tell an old white lady ahead of time, okay? You warn her. It's the right thing to do for the old lady and the black guy coming over.

Phyllis: The last time I was in London, I went to Harrods to buy pantyhose, and so I go to the lingerie department, and Harrods had their own brand of pantyhose, and they're the only ones I wear, and you can only buy them at that counter. And their hose has three colors: Nude, White, and Nigger Brown. That was the name of the color. And that's the color I always buy. So I go to the counter and the young woman who was working there happened to be black. And I said to her, "I would like medium size hose." And she says, "What color, please?" and so I said, "Nigger Brown." And she was shocked. I said it just like that. I could see she was upset. I said to her, "I did you the honor of not noticing your color. Would you do me the honor of getting my item for me?" So she went and got them and after that, I paid for the hose. Just so you know. Oh, I need to use the loo.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Possible side effects include nausea, stiffness of joints, thoughts of suicide, diarrhea, and, in rare cases, seizures or death.
VO Director: Yeah, Sam, can you sound a little more cheerful during the disclaimer?

Sam: What does this drug do anyway?
VO Director: It's a boner maker.
Sam: Oh. Well, anything for a boner. I mean, although, if a guy has a nice hard dick and he has diarrhea squirting out the back, it sort of ruins it, you know what I mean? Just sort of.

Sam: How long is the down time [for a facelift]?
Plastic surgeon: Well, your face will be all bruises for about three weeks, but I anticipate a very youthful result.
Sunny: What would you tell the girls?
Sam: Well, I'll just tell them I got attacked. That way they won't be mad at me. At least they'll be nice to be for a day, maybe.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Frankie: I'm sick. 100.1.
Sam: That's barely a thing.
Frankie: Mom, we're not supposed to go to soccer over 100.
Sam: Children's Tylenol is gonna knock that right down.
Frankie: Mom, that's not a cure. That's just a mask of the symptoms. I could still get other kids sick. I'm like patient zero.
Sam: Dude, you're gonna be running around a field, not kissing everybody.

Frances: How you doing with all this?
Sam: Uh, all of what?
Frances: Thera's mom, her surgery. Are you okay?
Sam: Yeah, I'm okay. Is she okay?
Frances: She's really nervous about the surgery. You know, as we all are. I didn't want to put this in the e-mail.
Sam: Oh, it's worse than in the e-mail?
Frances: They're opening up her stomach. There could be blockage, infections. They might have to remove part of her intestine. I mean, she could wind up with a colostomy bag. But still, it'll be worth it.
Sam: For who? I mean, sure, yes.
Frances: Will you just pray for her tomorrow?
Sam: Oh, did she ask for that? The praying?
Frances: Okay, but it can't hurt.
Sam: No, I mean, it's just that she's really not a God person. You know, she got upset when the new people tried to do the team circle prayer thing.
Frances: Well, it's not about that. It's about the power of group consciousness helping her heal.
Sam: Yeah, is there another thing I can do besides praying?
Frances: Oh, you know what? You should sign up to play with her cat.

First date guy: So there's, like, me before I've had an IPA, and then there's me seconds after. And they're distinct versions. One is just so much more at peace with himself, you know? Cause, like, I'm a stressed-out guy. You know, it's a hard racket I'm in. And just after that sweet kiss of an IPA, I just kind of - smooth sailing, right?

Max: I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I'm really confused. And I'm never getting into college. I had to start trying to be that kind of smart a long time go. And I've wasted so much time just being social. It's such a waste. And I look back at the last, I don't know, three years? I have just been a loser. Getting high. Just drama with my friends. And I am just now starting to realize that I am going to be, like, 18 in two years. And it's like I already blew it. That's how it feels.
Macy: You know, honey, I felt exactly like that when I was your age. And when I was 20. And this morning. Right? I'm gonna let you in on a big, fat secret that we all know about life. And that is that you don't ever figure it out, and you're always behind, and it's kind of always unfair, frankly. So you're on schedule.

Sam: Listen, baby. Your future is yours. You could be anything you want. You know those people that you see every day? That look like they have their shit together and they made all the right choices? And how impossible it seems just to get to that place? Well, look. Look at you. You look like one of those people. And all they did was put on the clothes. And honey, you can be anything you want to be. Seriously. But also, if you just get a job and get by, you're still going to love your life because life is good, even at its worst.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Remember when Paul McCartney married that that teenage one-legged model for five minutes? And for that, she got to keep all his Beatles money? Like, just because he wanted to shtupp her, she got to keep half of his genius money. And then he married a lady 10 years younger, and everybody was like, "Eww! What does he have, like, an old-lady fetish?"

Sam: I used to think the scary part about getting older was dying, and it turns out that the scary part of getting older is young people.

Sam: She had brain surgery. I mean, they cut her head open, and she was at work, like, a month later.
Joy: It's fine, okay? It wasn't cancer or anything. It was right in the front. Really easy to take out. Someone even said, "This is, like, the best possible brain tumor" And I'm not bragging.They didn't even have to shave my head.

Jesse: So you're a real mom, huh?
Sam: Yes, sir, I am.
Jesse: Wow. It's so weird you're playing my mom.
Sam: Why?
Jesse: Well, because you're hot. I'd hook up with you.

Greg: You know how many pilots I've shot never made it to broadcast? I don't even care anymore. You are hilarious, by the way. -
Sam: Thanks. You, too.
Greg: And you're a hottie. Slap a pair of tits on you, you'd be just my type.
Sam: Ha! Yeah.
Greg: Must be easier for you, though, right? I mean, you come in, you do a day's work, get to move on. Me, it's just the pressure, you know, of being the guy. It's my show. Everything's on me.
Sam: Yeah, I feel you. I mean, I had four failed pilots by the time I was 13. 
Greg: Oh, shit. That's brutal. Glad I didn't start young.

Jesse: It's humiliating.
Sam: I know. Listen, you can't cry. You just can't cry. You're never going to make it unless you learn how to be fired. 
Jesse: Can you drive me home? My friend drove me. I don't have a car. I don't think I can even afford a lyft now.
Sam: Okay. Yeah, of course.Just keep taking your classes and keep trying. Don't give up. You chose to be an actor. It's not easy.
Jesse: You're being so cool. Can I say something kind of weird?
Sam: Uh, what?
Jesse: I'm totally hard right now.
Sam: Oh, shit, dude.
Jesse: I'm sorry. It's just you really make me feel crazy. I have such a boner. Can I take it out? 
Sam: No, no. 
Jesse: Please? 
Sam: No, no! 
Jesse: I have to. I gotta take it out. 
Sam: Stop it! Get out! Keep the jacket. 
Jesse: Don't tell anybody!

Sam: Tell me about jury duty.
Phyllis: Well, I thought it was a murderer's case because the man had eyebrows that met together, and he had a sort of very grim face so I thought that it was definitely him. And I said to my fellow jury people, "Let's convict him," because I just wouldn't have trusted a man like that. Um, he may have been, you know, a perfectly nice person.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Duke, come here. Are you excited to have a playdate with Nellie? Don't you want to have Nellie over to our house to play sometime?
Ned: Uh-oh, looks like the feeling's not mutual.
Sam: No, no, no, no, no, no. She's just racist.

Morgan: I love singing. I get to sing in my church.
Duke: Really? Wow. You like church?
Morgan: Yeah, you're supposed to love church. Also, the singing is good, and I'm getting really good at it.
Duke: Mom, Morgan says that her church is really great. Did you know that Mormons are really into music?
Sam: No, honey, I didn't. Did you know that Mormons are really into hating gay people?
Duke: Mom, don't! 
Sam: What?
Duke: Be nice.
Sam: Kind of they do. Not kind of.

Trinity: Wednesday is family night.
Sam: Oh, that's nice. What do you guys do for family night?
Trinity: We just stay in and we all cook together and we watch CSI.
Sam: You let Morgan watch CSI?
Trinity: It's based on real-life stories.

Max: Lyft isn't working.
Sam: Yep. I disabled the account.
Max: Why?
Sam: Because, honey, you abused it. Last month's Lyft bill was, like, $500.
Max: So? That's not just me, Mom!
Sam: Honey, take a bus.
Max: Omigawd, mom. I hate you.
Sam: Max, do you understand that every time you say "I hate you" to me, it doesn't mean anything anymore? It, like, loses its sting, honey.
Max: No, seriously, Mom, I hate you.
Sam: See? It just keeps getting less and less powerful every time you say it. If you really wanna upset me, you gotta come up with something new.
Max: Okay, well, how about this? You're short, and you're getting old.
Sam: Okay. Good one.

Trinity: Sorry you were bored, Sam. You sure did seem uncomfortable. One would think that you went in with all kinds of preconceived notions about what a Mormon is, and that you held on to them no matter what you saw.
Sam: Oh, my God, Trinity. I don't have anything against - I mean, besides the fact that Mormons hate gays and black people.
Trinity: That's ignorant and cheap.
Sam: Those are my two middle names.
Trinity: You're very judgmental. 
Sam: And you're not?
Trinity: Okay. I can be sometimes.
Sam: Yes, you can. I feel you judging me and my girls all the time.
Trinity: Okay, that's fair. Well, maybe at times, some judging is in order. Look at your oldest Max? 
Sam: What about her?
Trinity: You think that's okay?
Sam: No, Trinity, I don't think that my teenage daughter is okay, okay? None of that is okay. But wait until Morgan gets to be her age. The problem with you church people is that you like to pretend that shit isn't the way it is. And, like, that's gonna fix it? That's a teenager, and, yeah, she's a mess. And I'm failing completely. And I don't need God or Jesus or you to tell me that.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Okay, Harvey, you have to understand that I'm Mom, Dad, and the cops around here, and you seem like a nice kid, but the first time I ever met you, you lied right to my face.
Harvey: Wait. What?
Sam: Yeah. It was when Max and Tyler were here and they asked me if you could sleep over, and they said, "It's okay. Harvey is gay. Ask him." And I asked you, and you turned to me with your adorable face, and you said, "Yeah, I'm totally gay."
Harvey: Yeah, they told me to say those thing
Sam: Okay. That's even worse. So be that as it may, you lied right to my face straight out of the gate.
Harvey: Wait. Do you want me to be gay? I don't I don't get it.
Sam: I don't care what you are. Gay guys can sleep in my daughter's room naked, but straight guys and liars don't get to.

Tressa: You can't point at a 15-year-old boy's dick.
Sam: I just pointed. I don't want his 15-year-old dick pointing at my 15-year-old daughter. That was the point of that point.
Tressa: You sequestered a minor in a room forcibly and pointed at his penis. Do you know how close to jail you are?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: We totally used condoms. 
Modi: No, you didn't. No, you didn't, Sam.
Sam: Yes, we did.
Modi: Okay, you want to keep pretending you did, go ahead.
Sam: Thank you.

Sam: How come she didn't even want a sip of my beer?
Macy: Because, honey, they are vaping their faces off at the moment.

Max: Mom, don't even. I can't believe you.
Sam: What did I do? Okay, I'm going to say it. Paisley blew Aaron. Did Paisley blow Aaron? I think Paisley blew Aaron, and I introduced everybody, and it was all very awkward. 
Max: Mom. Mom!
Sam: So I guessed it. Right? I think I'm right. I know I'm right, too. Omigawd. That's why you're upset. Paisley. I am so sorry.
Paisley: It's okay, Sam, but please don't tell my mom.
Sam: Of course not. Honey, I'm so sorry, I get it. And if it's any consolation, I see people I blew all the time. We all live in the same town.
Paisley: Really? Omigawd, I never thought about that.
Max: Jesus Christ, Mom. Just stop.
Paisley: No, it's okay.
Sam: I mean, you can either live with it, or not go out. Or blow less people.

Aaron: Hey, I'll tell my dad you said hi. That's so funny that you know him.
Macy: Don't tell him in front of your mom.
Sam: Did you blow that kid's dad?
Macy: Yes, sir, I did. And yes, sir, I have.
Sam: Yeah, I thought so. So you're, like, Eskimo sisters with Paisley.
Macy: No. I'm not. Not really, because we didn't touch the same dick.

Joe Walsh: Hey, man. Get her some chamomile tea with a lot of hot sauce in it. It's the best thing for a double headache.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Saleswoman: Can I help you find something?
Sam: Yes. I'm looking for something that would be good for an old English lady with giant tits.
Saleswoman: Oh. Uhh -
Salesman: I got you right over here.

Sam: Frankie, what do you think I do all day? Isn't it reasonable for me to expect that once you go to school you won't need me again until 3:00?

Sam: Hydrocodone.
Macy: Yeah. Vicodin.
Sam: I don't even know what that is. When is it from?
Macy: Uh, Feb 2007.
Sam: That's from when Duke was born.
Macy: Hey, I feel it might be good for my neck.
Sam: Well, aren't they expired?
Macy: Mmm hmm, but it's fine to me.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Woman at the gym: I said, "I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for the man that I'm leaving you for."

Toussaint: How do I get my kids to give a two clown shit about school? What's your magic: All my kids want to do is eat toast and masturbate.

Mal: I love that you have real thighs and you aren't afraid to show them.

Frankie: Nice tits, gran.
Phyllis: Thank you, dear.

Sam: I'm just curious. So you guys went went to a store so that means that you paid money for this [chinchilla]. So I'm jut wondering how you got the money.
Max: I paid for it.
Sam: Oh.
Max: On your credit card.

Frankie: Mom, this car doesn't fit all of us.
Sam: I know.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Phyllis: My sexuality was my greatest asset. I didn't have higher education. I couldn't type. And yet I got hired for every job I ever applied to and I knew it was because of the way I looked.

Reinita: Why do you have a penis on the wall?
Max and Frankie: We have a lot of penises on the wall.

Max: You're a big fucking cunt, mom.
Sam: You're a big fucking cunt, your sister's an asshole, and your other sister's great.
Duke: Aw, thanks, mom!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Phyllis: I just want to say if you take any nudes of yourself, they will last forever on the interwebs so best not to take them and it becomes everyone else's property. Although I had an extremely beautiful body when I was young so it doesn't matter much to me.

Sam: What if your brain starts becoming like sand through a sifter and I don't know enough things?
Phyllis: Like what?
Sam: Like anything. Like do you have something hidden anywhere? Did you ever keep a journal? Any kind of secrets you need to tell me? Anything practical?
Phyllis: Well, Frankie and Duke have my PIN numbers, my cash, my passwords, the key to my safe deposit box.
Sam: What? They do?
Phyllis: And if my brain becomes like sand through a sifter, then take me out back, shoot me straight away, burn me, and then sprinkle my ashes across the seven corners of the seven seas.
Sam: That sounds easy.
Phyllis: Also your father might not be your father but we'll know that from the DNA test, won't we?

Phyllis: How might I be able to help you?
Morty: You should get rid of every movie made recently. They're all garbage.
Phyllis: Well, you're entitled to your opinion. It's a free country.
Morty: Arguable. These are a buck a piece? I'm not paying more than fifty cents for anything made after 1979 cause they're all crap.
Phyllis: The prices are as marked but if your budget won't stretch, I'd be happy to cover the difference because I happen to have a very famous, extremely wealthy daughter who takes care of me.
Morty: Who's your daughter?
Phyllis: Cate Blanchett.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maitre d': We require gentlemen to wear a collared shirt.
Andrew: I want you to know this is a cashmere knit top.