S19.E03 Abbie 2018.06.19

[h8omb]

Abbie escalated into a full blown alcoholic after years of physical and mental abuse from her boyfriend. Her parents are raising her daughter while Abbie lives nearby with a new boyfriend who enables her addiction. Her alcoholism has gotten so bad that Abbie already has chronic liver, kidney, and bone marrow damage. Without help, Abbie's family fears that her daughter will lose her mom for good.

[h8omb]

Abbie's family seemed pretty normal and functional and they followed the intervention protocol really well but the level of involvement her daughter's father had in Abbie and her family's life was shocking. She endured years of brutal and sustained violence from him and he comes over to her parents' house every night to put their daughter to bed?! It's bad enough that he only spent 48 hours in jail for what he did to her and on top of that he seems to have legal access to his daughter that requires the family to essentially open their home to him on a regular basis. And then he goes and delivers that tepid "apology" at the intervention with a smirk on his face. Disgusting.

[mythoughtis]

I have a feeling the legal access is somewhat different than what was being allowed.  It’s entirely possible that he could have sued for custody because of Abbie’s drug use and didn’t - and that’s why the family is giving him so much access.  Also Abbie  seemed to want to grant him that much access for some reason. It also all may have been changed by Abbie’s parents once Annie left for rehab. 

I can’t  understand why he got so little jail time. She’s got two plates in her head- shouldn’t that have been major prison time not a weekend jail visit?  

[Elizzikra]

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Also Abbie  seemed to want to grant him that much access for some reason.

She pretty much said why - she feels that he is a good father and her daughter loves him and wants to see him. Abbie wasn't wrong when she said that he was a better parent than she was at the time (before she went to rehab).

Domestic violence is a hideous crime and Abbie clearly suffered greatly. But I did think that her ex was working hard to be a better person and a good father. As long as he stays nonviolent, he and Abbie will have to figure out how to parent together and I was glad to see that her family supported that. In the end, it's what's best for their daughter. 

[Soobs]

I felt really conflicted about Abbie's ex. I tend to have a zero tolerance policy for abusers. And this wasn't a one time thing (not that that's ok - zero tolerance), it went on for years and gave her PTSD. He ruins her life, spends a weekend in jail, takes a class and is accepted back into society? Yeah, no.

I give him some credit for showing up in his daughter's life and on this show. It takes some big balls to have them flash those horrific pictures of Abbie's destroyed face and be like, "yeah, I did that". I think he could do more to make amends to Abbie, her family and his daughter.

The scariest part of this story is that they were so in love and things were normal (or appeared to be) for a couple of years until they had their daughter. There are women who are more at risk for ending up in these types of relationships and Abbie, as far as we were told wasn't one of them. Abbie's family had no history of abuse. It sounded like it came out of the blue. I look at my young niece and think how can women trust anyone?

[Elizzikra]

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I felt really conflicted about Abbie's ex. I tend to have a zero tolerance policy for abusers. And this wasn't a one time thing (not that that's ok - zero tolerance), it went on for years and gave her PTSD. He ruins her life, spends a weekend in jail, takes a class and is accepted back into society? Yeah, no.

I give him some credit for showing up in his daughter's life and on this show. It takes some big balls to have them flash those horrific pictures of Abbie's destroyed face and be like, "yeah, I did that". I think he could do more to make amends to Abbie, her family and his daughter.

 

I don't necessarily think that the ex's punishment fits his crime. I think it's likely that there is really no amount of amends he could pay to make it up to Abbie... but there seemed to be agreement that the daughter loved him and that he loved the daughter and was a good father to her. I think it was in her best interest to maintain a positive relationship with him and that's what I support - not the notion that he should be absolved of guilt or blame for abusing Abbie.

[pasdetrois]

Did Abbie say she fell in love with her husband at AGE 13??

[sara416]

There was something so likeable about Abbie. I didn't buy her ex husbands sincerity, but I agree with the poster above that it took a lot of guts to come on this show after being so honest about the abuse he heaped on her. 

[Rancide]

With respect to the ex-husband... I refuse to believe that people cannot change.  He did not have to participate in this show.  When people have suffered abuse at the hands of non-present family members, the show has typically beeped their names and been vague about their identities.  Even if Abbie had specifically named her ex-husband as her abuser, her credibility is not the greatest at this particular moment.  Domestic violence is often a family disease, like alcoholism.  It takes guts for him to voluntarily put his face and name on television, where it will surely be seen by all his friends, family, coworkers, current and Bpotential employers, etc. and to admit what he did without trying to minimize it or make excuses.  I assume he did that because a) he cares about his daughter and knows it is best for her if her mom gets help and that his presence may be necessary to making that happen, and b) it's part of his process of owning what he did and trying to make amends.

I'm not excusing what he did, but it sounds like Abbie's parents are keeping pretty close watch on him and allowing him the opportunity to prove that his treatment and therapy have made a difference.  It's probably better for their granddaughter to grow up with a father who she knows (or will eventually learn) was abusive when she was younger but then got help to overcome it and became a good dad than to grow up with no dad hearing only that he was a violent, abusive monster who isn't allowed around because he's too unfit for human contact.  This is especially true given that it's unclear at this point that she's going to have a mother in her life either.

And yes, he could probably get--and may already have--court-ordered visitation as long as he can show the court he's doing what he's supposed to do, and under those circumstances the family is probably better off trying to work with him in a controlled environment rather than setting themselves and their granddaughter up for a lifetime of destructive open warfare.  It's easy to say in theory that we have zero tolerance for domestic abusers, but the reality is more complicated, especially when there are kids involved.  The ex-husband has done immeasurable damage to his family.  So has Abbie, at this point, as have almost all the parent-addicts we've seen on this show over the years.  Banishment can't be the answer for all of them.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Rancide