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Tara Ariano

S01.E04: Another Bump In The Road

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That was the most manipulative f-ing behavior on Dean AND Tori's part.  How can this Dr. Wexler be for real and allow this?  Holy cow!  TORI, on one hand says "oh, I can't do this...see he's bad!", but three seconds later, telling the doctor that she thinks Dean is acting!  And, Dean... he's going for an Oscar.  I don't think I can watch this anymore.  For the simple reason that there are four very real, innocent children involved.  This is being catalogued.... their parents worst aspects and psychosis are being filmed.  And, it will never, ever disappear.  

 

Not to get all sappy and personal, but one of my parents was manic depressive.  And, as a kid, I came to the realization that my parent wasn't healthy in the worst way- watching this parent try to commit suicide.  I know how painful that was, to hear how close I came to losing that parent and how I was torn by the need to talk about it AND, simultaneously, hide it.  That these two consenting adults, and a doctor, put this on film is reprehensible.  This may be helping Tori (though, I doubt it), but did no one suggest that maybe, in 5 or 10 years, may not be what the kids want or need?  

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I assume things continue to go to shit.

Ha! No, no things are going unscriptedly better. Off the cuff well. Unrehearsed moments of intimacy. Or you know true "reality" tv.

So I realized tonight that Dean, for all the fooling around he does, has no balls. Did Kris Kardashian Jenner somehow get his to add to the collection in her handbag? It's obvious Tori doesn't have them. Oh my I can't handle the stress of you telling me you don't like me cheating. I'm such a wuss that I shake & quake & may have to fake another sucide-ish episode. Whine, fake cry, sniffle. Grow a pair Deano! You screwed yourself into the mess you're in.

What's wrong baby, baby, baby? What'd I do? Well for starters you're a dick who stuck his dick in places it shouldn't have been & you can't seem to learn another endearment other than baby. You have 5 babies plus one that should be called yours. How hard us it to say honey or sweetheart or sugar? Dick.

When did producers become de facto counselors? Checking up on Dean or talking to Tori about her need to express her emotions. The huh? I'm still not convinced that this isn't staged, but I fully buy that Dean the dick is a user, boozer & a loser.

When they were having the argument in the kitchen, over the haircut, I found myself wondering if that was some reality, or as real as it would ever be on this show. I don't discount the idea that the fight was planned but his yelling & the way he acted made me wonder if that's life with the Deano. I completely believe that Tori grew up messed up in a messed up family, but she's had resources that most of us can't even dream about having so the victim mentality is wearing thin. Before she got in a serious relationship or started popping out babies maybe she should've gotten some real therapy to help deal with some stuff. Or maybe I'm overthinking a stupid trashy reality show. Could be.

The technique that the lady did with Tori

& Dean with the tapping & affirmations is something I've used before. It's called the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). She did it slightly different than I learned because I've always used positive statements even when trying to release negative things. Like "I fully & completely forgive myself for such & such". I found it effective as one of several things I did dealing with some PTSD issues. /end EFT PSA

ETA: Popping out babies is different than pooping them out. Although most docs will warn you that things can happen during labor...

Edited by ramble
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The editing on this show is very frustrating--one minute Dean is telling the producer/counselor (?) that Tori is so controlling and he doesn't think he wants to stay in the marriage then he is suddenly going around town buying stuff to show he can be "nurturing."  And I agree, I thought he was very manipulative during that therapy session--and he seemed to "come back" very quickly.  Almost like a switch--on and off.  Also, he doesn't appear to be the sharpest knife in the drawer.........
 

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I think Tori thought finding her "soulmate" would magically fill all of her emotional wounds and know what she needed without having to ask, so no need to work on herself for years before meeting the right guy.

I know Tori's eating disorder and associated issues (control, etc) will never be mentioned on this show, but they should be.

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The fact that Tori thinks it's normal to not work outside the home in order to work on a marriage speaks to her complete disconnect with the world around her. No, Tori, other couples who are facing marital distress don't stop working and earning money, placing all priority on the family. This girl was truly raised in a glass bubble.

 

I wasn't surprised to see Tori reaching out to the director/crew repeatedly throughout the episode. I think she has turned to those around her all her life to validate her feelings, like she did with Liam in the store, and further I think she sees production crews etc as her support system. That makes me sad for her.

 

As far as Deano goes, this ep was just more of the same. There are lots of Deans in this world, and nothing will change them. This is how Dean functions in the world. There is no truth to how he feels, or what he says. Every word, gesture, comment is manipulative. Case in point: Tori tries to confront Dean. Dean does what Dean does---shake shake hands to head threaten self-harm---Tori freaks as she can't see through this garbage for what it is...Dean effectively moves the conversation away from his behavior onto his fragility. Then, to add to her upset, he spits out this gem:  "When will you feel better? IF I wake up tomorrow?"

See what he did there? Not WHEN I wake up, but IF. It's subtle, but the manipulation is there. 

 

I was fascinated by how quickly his pleading and placating in the kitchen over the (horrible) haircut turned to anger when she wasn't accepting his bullshit excuses for Liam missing school. My opinion is this: Liam, who appears to be rather indulged, woke up without Tori, refused to go to school, and Dean, who wants to get back in the kids' good books quickly to further manipulate Tori, lets him skip school. The haircut idea was just a way for Dean to make it appear like a reasonable decision. Kids missing school for haircuts is not reasonable. Tori was right to be angry and reactive to his lack of responsibility and maturity in parenting. Unfortunately for her, Dean was easily able to manipulate the situation enough to leave her standing in a kitchen confused, frustrated, and feeling she was somehow to blame. 

 

There is no solution to Dean's issues. They are deep-seeded and would require therapy and an honesty he is simply not capable of. Most importantly, in spite of all his assertions to the contrary, Dean doesn't want to change. That therapist is a joke. She's as dangerous as Dean. Someone needs to tell Tori the truth. She married a child who lies, cries, and sighs his way through life. He isn't capable of any other way of being in this world.

 

The most honest thing I have heard out of his mouth was his reply to Wolfy in the kitchen, when he asked Dean why he did it. Dean thought it over, decided to go with the truth, and said 'I didn't think I would get caught". Tori needs to watch that 15 second admission on a loop until it sinks in.

Edited by JustAlison
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I just re-watched the episode after I remembered something.  About halfway thru the episode, they are in the therapist's office on the cough (Tori in full make-up and hair).  As Tori is talking, you can see Dean roll his eyes.  He is so done.  And the super frustrating part is that each of them is so focused on themselves, they aren't thinking of the other.  Dean's entire focus is on himself, and Tori is all about  "don't you think about the toll your leaving will take on ME? emotionally, my fears, my taking care of the kids while working full time,  yada, yada, yada"  These two will NEVER have a functional relationship if they can never learn to not be so self centered all the time.

 

Yes Tori, we ALL know how much you don't want him to go to Toronto.  And yes, we ALL know how much you don't want him to resent you for not letting him go.  It is all about you, all the time.  You cannot have it both ways, so you need to shit or get off the pot.  You want to forgive and stay in marriage or don't and end it.  Those are your options -- not both.  Sheesh....

 

Sadly, Dean had it right when he stated that he can never win.  He will always be wrong in her eyes.  Thus, my previous statement applies to him as well.  Shit or get off the pot, Dean.  Accept that you will always be wrong and stay, or tell her you cannot live like that and leave.  Those are the options - not both.  Ugh.

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I watched this again, this morning, on OnDemand. 

Watching the fight over the haircut emphasised how self-interest and manipulative Tori is.  The play by play as I see it:

TORI questions Dean about Liams hair.

DEAN starts explaining how Liam was in a snit and then somehow, they end up at a barber.  While Dean should've made Liam go to school, I can also.understand Liam picking a fight and having attitude.  If the show is reflecting the truth, then this may have been Liam's first time alone with his dad.  We don't know if Liam just needed time alone with Dean, sans cameras, and Dean picked up on that.  There's no doubt in my mind that there's more to that story.  

But, here's the thing: Tori is so self centered and controlling that, rather than wait for Dean to explain anything, TORI changes the reason for her anger and brings the argument back to Chopped.  She then plays the biggest victim card in the world.  I researched the scene.  TORI is the one who gets loud first.  DEAN starts trying to explain the haircut and she escalates the decibel level and questions Dean saying Liam said "hate" and the rectangle!  DEAN calls it correctly: she's not listening, she's trying to find a lie in his story so she can play the victim and bring the whole discussion to Dean's offer to do Chopped.  As soon as Dean acknowledges her manipulation of the haircut issue, TORI starts yelling.  But, she's too focused on making herself the victim to see that she is the reason for the loudness.  Then, she brings it back to HERSELF again by making a confusing statement about not wanting Liam to equate his body image with parental arguments????  The hell?    "I don't want his hair or body aesthetically connected to the fact that you got in a fight."

 

Look at that statement.  

First, from Dean's explanation, it was hardly a fight.  The kids was having a tantrum. Liam has been through a lot, by her own admission, and Dean took the time to have one on one time.  Second, how is having a haircut later detrimental to his psyche.  Tori is really reaching.

 

DEAN cries uncle and Tori says, "I am pissed about the haircut, but it's not about the haircut".  ?????

 

Then, she says she thinks it's too soon for Dean to go away.  Ok

  Fair enough.  DEAN says that Tori should say she doesn't want him to go if she doesn't want him to go.  Again, he's asking her to communicate in a mostly calm manner.  He does raise his voice a touch, but I think it's frustration, not anger, and he asks her to "tell him what she feels".  

That's when Tori starts playing the victim again....she claims she's tried to tell him how she feels, but we've seen her go out of her to NOT tell him how she feels because she is too worried or scared.  SHE starts yelling and blaming him for her voice.  Wtf-ness?  

 

She doesn't want him to go to Canada, but she also doesn't want Dean to.turn it down.  He is in a no win situation!   If he made the decision not to.go, she would make it all about her and insist that he resents her.

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Then, she brings it back to HERSELF again by making a confusing statement about not wanting Liam to equate his body image with parental arguments????  The hell?    "I don't want his hair or body aesthetically connected to the fact that you got in a fight."

 

That was the weirdest part of the argument for me. I completely understood why there was a heated argument over what Dean did, and I kept waiting for Tori to make the reasonable case here: #1, you don't pull a kid out of school without calling the other parent to discuss it. #2, you don't give in to your kid's tantrum and refusal to go to school by allowing them to not go to school. #3, school is more important than a hairdo.

 

Liam's 7, most likely in 1st grade, too old to be throwing a tantrum about going to school and too old to be allowed to skip school for a haircut. I don't understand why Tori made this about body image.

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Liam's 7, most likely in 1st grade, too old to be throwing a tantrum about going to school and too old to be allowed to skip school for a haircut. I don't understand why Tori made this about body image.

Exactly.  I don't get that, either.  There were logical, rational and completely legitimate reasons for being annoyed at the truancy or even at the haircut (although, it's not as if these kids don't go to the salon once a week, anyway).  But, to play off her anger as a body image thing is stupid.  One could say their little, weekly nail art appointments, including telling the manuscripts about Dean being in a mental facility, is the same thing.  Are Liam and Stella going to suffer from body image problems because they got their nails done with mom, after a Party City blow out?  Hypocrite much, TORI?

 

And, love how Tori reads "sex" into all of Dean's efforts?

Oysters= are you feeding me oysters because they're an aphrodisiac?

Massage oil= this is a lubricant!  

I was shocked when she didn't think the map were all the places Dean wanted to bang her!

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And, love how Tori reads "sex" into all of Dean's efforts? Oysters= are you feeding me oysters because they're an aphrodisiac?

Massage oil= this is a lubricant!

I sort of understand that. From what they both discussed Dean is insatiable & given that he's admitted to cheating & there is speculation that it's not the first time, I can imagine Tori is hyper-sensitive. Also, if what Tori read on the oil was accurate it said personal lubricant. That cracked me up. "Here baby I got some oil to rub on your... feet." I was hoping to see Tori eat more than one oyster. I think she looks so malnourished & frail. Edited by ramble
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Liam's 7, most likely in 1st grade, too old to be throwing a tantrum about going to school

I don't know about that. I have known parents who had these issues, and one thing I realized they had in common was the discord going on in the home. One exception was a child who was being bullied at school. Liam without a doubt, seems to be dealing with what is going on around him. If there is one thing I hate about parents who are having problems, is how they fail time and time again by displaying their arguments in front or in the presence of children. Sending a kid to his/her room does no good if the parents are yelling, shouting or being so loud that the children can hear it. Even if they don't hear Tori and Dean arguing, those kids are feeling the negativity that surrounds them. Kids can pick up on those things. The McDermott children have it harder because their parents' problems are being filmed and no one seems to think that it is bad for these kids to be filmed as their parents put their dirty laundry out there for the almighty dollar.

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Dean shaking his pinky finger during his "Migraine" made me think of his self admitted "Small Pee-Pee".

UGH- I need brain bleach :(

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That was the weirdest part of the argument for me. I completely understood why there was a heated argument over what Dean did, and I kept waiting for Tori to make the reasonable case here: #1, you don't pull a kid out of school without calling the other parent to discuss it. #2, you don't give in to your kid's tantrum and refusal to go to school by allowing them to not go to school. #3, school is more important than a hairdo.

 

Liam's 7, most likely in 1st grade, too old to be throwing a tantrum about going to school and too old to be allowed to skip school for a haircut. I don't understand why Tori made this about body image.

Because much of this is really all about Tori's unmentionable deep-seated issues, her own long-term body image and eating disordered withholding behavior.

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Tori saying repeatedly last night that she is never heard, made me wonder if that is why she does all these shows. So someone, anyone will hear her. That sucks if that is the case. 

In the kitchen yelling scene, I felt bad for her, because I think that was the real Dean there. He was being a big jerk, to put it nicely, and it's like he doesn't really care what she feels. That's my interpretation of it. He knows he screwed up, so he says, and she should just get over it, is what he acts like. I would punch him in the junk a few times, maybe that would help.

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And, love how Tori reads "sex" into all of Dean's efforts?

 

Tori had mentioned in the first ep how Dean expected sex twice a day or more before they had kids, which she apparently agreed to and accepted as normal. After the kids, Tori assumed Dean would lower that standard, and Dean figured Tori understood he needs it. (He doesn't...but that's all part of the manipulation). So I can understand why she thinks everything he does is sexually motivated.

 

One thing this show has given is the peace of mind I have knowing that Mary Jo and Jack are so much better with Deano out of the picture. Tori may have done her the biggest favour of her life, and given how I feel about affairs, that's really saying something.

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No joke!  I'm sure his ex-wife is enjoying a certain amount of karmic justice. But, Dean's oldest son doesn't deserve to have his dad's issues publicly dealt with.  None of those kids deserve this circus.  

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The name of this show should be retitled "TruTori--the Perpetual Victim"

 

Yeah, Deano is a dirtbag.  We established that they both were back in their first reality go round.

 

But he will never win, she will be hanging this incident over his  head for the rest of their damn lives.  And, I don't especially care about the two of them, there are 5 {did ya catch that, Deano--you have 5 kids} involved who will carry this dysfunction possibly for life.

 

She will NEVER, EVER leave him because that would be admitting the fairy tale was a fake, but I sincerely hope he gets his balls back and does them all a favor and leaves.  She could film her inevitable breakdown and keep it close to her to reinforce her victimhood.

 

Isn't her brother Randy a "life coach"?  Why doesn't he appear, because her "therapist" just sucks and she needs someone to shake her into reality and just DEAL WITH her life as it is now instead of wallowing in vicitimhood.

Edited by Patssy Stoned
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Oh my God, these two. I don't really have anything new or insightful to add, I just want to add my disgust to everyone else's.

 

I get that Tori is hurt and embarrassed, but she needs to grow some ovaries, tell Deano exactly what she thinks and then either find a way to live in this relationship or move the hell on. Personally, I'd move the hell on, but I have some pride so she and I are probably coming from different places.

 

Dean really needs to learn to take responsibly for his actions and quit acting like he's going to hurt himself because Tori questions him. I have three dogs who own up to their snack-stealing actions better than Dean does.

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The name of this show should be retitled "TruTori--the Perpetual Victim"

 

Yeah, Deano is a dirtbag.  We established that they both were back in their first reality go round.

 

But he will never win, she will be hanging this incident over his  head for the rest of their damn lives.  And, I don't especially care about the two of them, there are 5 {did ya catch that, Deano--you have 5 kids} involved who will carry this dysfunction possibly for life.

 

She will NEVER, EVER leave him...

ITA, he will pay for this for the rest of his life.  Unfortunately, she will use it to manipulate him AND public opinion whenever it suits her.  And, truthfully, Dean is an idiot for agreeing to do this show if the situation is legit (and I have some doubts).  If this is all true, Dean would get hosed in any child custody trial.  And, you KNOW Tori would sell the judge a great story (she is "Aaron Spelling'$ daughter, after all...".)

Will she leave him? Doubt it.  Not because I believe she'll forgive him, but because I think they're in too deep.  If they leave, there's no career for either of them.  Neither is Oscar quality in terms of acting.  I doubt Tori's mom would support her without some serious strings.  Dean has no where to go and nothing to do if not for this circus.  

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