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Relationship Thread: Advice, Venting and Everything Else

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1 minute ago, AgentRXS said:

Not everyone's life is going to go at the same pace as the "norm" (whatever that is). You are actively working to find a job, and you'll get there.  I know the feeling, believe me. Just hang in there. Anything meant for you won't go past you.

Thank you. I will admit that I sometimes am not AS active as I should be (or perhaps always motivated to look in the best/most places--I probably do need to expand certain aspects of my search a bit more), and because my particular field is both competitive/full of short-term work (not going into detail here for privacy reasons), that makes things even MORE complicated, especially in terms of dating--being in one place for only short amount of time doesn't always leave a good place to build lasting relationships, and being unemployed/at home certainly doesn't make it easy, either! It's especially hard because my two, much younger siblings (by 6/8 years, respectively) are both in relationships/working, which makes me feel VERY emotionally stunted sometimes. And I'm not comfortable with the idea of first having sex with either a friend/friend of a friend just for the hell of it, or paying for it, either (I do notice men usually get that suggestion more than women--obviously, people should do what they want, but I wouldn't feel right/comfortable doing that--if anything, I should a man to pay ME! lol). Really, at this point I'm trying just to accept that my past is what it is, I can't do anything to change it, but I CAN do things to make my life better in the future. And even though there are guys who might be turned off by me and my lack of relationship/dating/sex experience, and make judgments about me that aren't fair or true, I shouldn't let that stop me. Easier said than done, I guess, but I'm trying to keep myself in that mindset. It's just really hard, sometimes. 🙂

(Also, I now have more applications out at once than I have recently, which makes me feel less attached to one job--well, mostly. Right now they're still more short-term than I'd like, but I'm qualified and I know one of them might always led to the permanent job I really need/want.) 

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2 minutes ago, UYI said:

e. And even though there are guys who might be turned off by me and my lack of relationship/dating/sex experience, and make judgments about me that aren't fair or true, I shouldn't let that stop me. Easier said than done, I guess, but I'm trying to keep myself in that mindset. It

If they are turned off by any major aspect of you, then they aren't meant for you and just would be wasting your time anyway.

It is better to let the years pass alone than to waste your time with the wrong person, believe me.

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I'm an American woman and recently men a foreign man. He is handsome, intelligent, charming, and very interested in me. My fear is being used for citizenship. The romantic in me wants to believe he's perfect for me and maybe he's even already a citizen. The skeptical side of me wonders if he's too good to be true. I have friends of all backgrounds, but I admit to being a bit ignorant on the process.

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@UYI If you're still looking for advice... while there's a strong sexually liberated and sex positive strain of feminism, I don't think anyone would judge you for making that choice for yourself. You should decide when you feel safe and comfortable and secure in a relationship and you shouldn't be pressured into anything or pressure yourself into anything until you're ready. Also, sex toys are fabulous in the meantime. Get to know your body before you let anyone else get to know your body. Okay, enough of the cool mom vibes. 

There are also plenty of guys out there who for various reasons feel insecure or like they're too quiet or nerdy. That's a big dating pool. Not everyone drinks or at least wants to hang out in bars. Look for someone with common interests. 

I don't know if it'll be that helpful but Elna Baker has written and talked about being a virgin until late in life. I read her memoir. I remember enjoying it but it could also be a little triggering so fair warning. But I think it might help. There were religious reasons but she also had dating struggles and issues with her weight so I think you might find it relevant. Other useful reading... Shrill by Lindy West, Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls by Jes Baker, and Hot & Heavy edited by Virgie Tovar. Not to make this all about fat positivity but there's general stuff in there about confidence. We get this idea in our heads that we need to look a certain way or no one will want us. But there are so many other factors. And thin and conventionally attractive people struggle to make relationships work, too. There are no guarantees. All you can do is put yourself out there.

Also, take this with a grain of salt because these books are written by women, but if romance novels are to be believed, some guys will be into the virgin thing. For better or worse, I do think women have it easier being virgins later in life than men do. Real talk? I think a lot of guys would prefer someone who plays into feminine stereotypes more than a sexually experienced dominatrix. Obviously it's all problematic af but such is life.

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 And yet I'll look up posts about this topic elsewhere (not here) and I'll see all these guys who talk about what a deal breaker a situation like mine is, how emotionally stunted a woman my age must be 

Where are you finding these guys? Reddit? 4chan? Youtube comments? They are not to be trusted. Besides, at the end of the day, you don't need the approval of a majority of internet humans. You just need one understanding partner. 

 

@RealHousewife Don't worry about it until he gives you a reason to? Unless citizenship or marriage comes up, just treat it like you would any other relationship. 

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On 6/28/2019 at 12:13 AM, aradia22 said:

@RealHousewife Don't worry about it until he gives you a reason to? Unless citizenship or marriage comes up, just treat it like you would any other relationship. 

Thank you Aradia. 😀 I have trust issues. So I know if it weren't this, there would be something else that I'd be concerned about. 

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What do you all think about age gaps? What’s too much? There’s a gentleman I’ve met recently who’s so handsome, but he is older than me. I just don’t know by how much. 

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If both parties are of legal age and get on well and all that good stuff, I don't see the problem, personally. If you really like this guy and you sense the feeling is mutual and want to see where it goes, go for it :). 

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21 minutes ago, Annber03 said:

If both parties are of legal age and get on well and all that good stuff, I don't see the problem, personally. If you really like this guy and you sense the feeling is mutual and want to see where it goes, go for it :). 

Thank you! We’ll see what happens. I have so many issues with myself that I push men away, but he’s been so kind to me and looks like he’s out of a movie. 

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2 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

What do you all think about age gaps? What’s too much? There’s a gentleman I’ve met recently who’s so handsome, but he is older than me. I just don’t know by how much. 

There is a 14 year difference between my Daddy and Stepmother.  There is actually less of an age gap between she and I (9 years).  They are so well matched in every way that I don't think it has ever been an issue.  Usually if people find out they are shocked.  Frankly, they are much, much, much more compatible than his relationship with my mother who was exactly two weeks older than him.

So, as @Annber03 said go for it and see what happens.

 

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I had a friend at work joke about age gaps when talking about her 10 year old daughter being friends with an 8 year old boy. She said, “what’s the rule, half your age plus seven to see if someone is too young?”  
 

So unless you feel like you need to conform to some sort of made up conventional rule @RealHousewife, I will echo what the others have said. If it feels right, go ahead and explore the possibilities. 
 

My personal feeling on this topic is that I for sure need someone who either shares, or can deal with, the stage of life I’m in. Nothing more or less than that. 

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3 hours ago, tiftgirl said:

There is a 14 year difference between my Daddy and Stepmother.  There is actually less of an age gap between she and I (9 years).  They are so well matched in every way that I don't think it has ever been an issue.  Usually if people find out they are shocked.  Frankly, they are much, much, much more compatible than his relationship with my mother who was exactly two weeks older than him.

So, as @Annber03 said go for it and see what happens.

 

I love that you aren't judgmental! Sometimes adult children don't want to give stepparents a chance. 

1 hour ago, JTMacc99 said:

I had a friend at work joke about age gaps when talking about her 10 year old daughter being friends with an 8 year old boy. She said, “what’s the rule, half your age plus seven to see if someone is too young?”  
 

So unless you feel like you need to conform to some sort of made up conventional rule @RealHousewife, I will echo what the others have said. If it feels right, go ahead and explore the possibilities. 
 

My personal feeling on this topic is that I for sure need someone who either shares, or can deal with, the stage of life I’m in. Nothing more or less than that. 

LOL

Thank you guys! I agree that it's more about compatibility than age. The compatibility is TBD.

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20 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

What do you all think about age gaps? What’s too much? There’s a gentleman I’ve met recently who’s so handsome, but he is older than me. I just don’t know by how much. 

My experience has been it doesn’t matter unless one party thinks it matters. 

I hung out with a guy eight years younger but we checked every box on compatibility, humor- had a really good time together. 
 

The age gap prevented him from moving to more serious. At my then age of 35 knew it’s rare to find a connection like we we had but he had not experienced enough to know that. We are still friends and he’s 32 now and still single and I like to think he has occasional moments of regret, haha. 
 

This is of course more common when the female is older so if he’s hot, funny and kind and into you I’d go for it.  Fair warning- if he looks like a movie star and is single he could be a player. Nothing wrong with that as long as your eyes are wide open.  

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43 minutes ago, KnoxForPres said:

My experience has been it doesn’t matter unless one party thinks it matters. 

I hung out with a guy eight years younger but we checked every box on compatibility, humor- had a really good time together. 
 

The age gap prevented him from moving to more serious. At my then age of 35 knew it’s rare to find a connection like we we had but he had not experienced enough to know that. We are still friends and he’s 32 now and still single and I like to think he has occasional moments of regret, haha. 
 

This is of course more common when the female is older so if he’s hot, funny and kind and into you I’d go for it.  Fair warning- if he looks like a movie star and is single he could be a player. Nothing wrong with that as long as your eyes are wide open.  

The guy you hung out with probably does have regret! 

Yeah, I don't know enough about this guy yet. Good-looking guys get a bad rep, but some of them are really nice people imo. I've had worse experiences with the guys who aren't pretty boys but supposedly have great personalities...

Thank you for the advice. :)

Edited by RealHousewife

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21 hours ago, RealHousewife said:

What do you all think about age gaps? What’s too much? There’s a gentleman I’ve met recently who’s so handsome, but he is older than me. I just don’t know by how much. 

I have been dating someone who is 16 years older than I am. Since he is my brother’s age it hasn’t been bad because I can relate to the mindset of his time (music, books, tv etc). We can chat for hours. (We once discussed benzene compounds for one and a half hours). I think that is part of the key. Being able to share interests and have enough in common.  

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17 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

My personal feeling on this topic is that I for sure need someone who either shares, or can deal with, the stage of life I’m in. Nothing more or less than that. 

image.png.53a90a15cd8e9e82d51865027d44ddbc.png

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35 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

I have been dating someone who is 16 years older than I am. Since he is my brother’s age it hasn’t been bad because I can relate to the mindset of his time (music, books, tv etc). We can chat for hours. (We once discussed benzene compounds for one and a half hours). I think that is part of the key. Being able to share interests and have enough in common.  

I'm not one for sports and outdoors and prefer movies, music, different kinds of shows, and such. Sometimes I do have more common interests with men who are older than me than ones my own age.

Thank you! 

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1 hour ago, Moose135 said:

image.png.53a90a15cd8e9e82d51865027d44ddbc.png

Ole Leo DiCaprio won’t fuck a girl over 30  and who’s not a model.  And I’d do the same  if I were him.

I was and to this day would say I’m good looking. My experience only- all parties single- the older I got  I would say oh shit. The older a hot guy says bring it on and let the good times roll. 

Edited by KnoxForPres

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51 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

In addition to differences in 'stage of life' a large age cap can bring about major power imbalances when it comes to income / finances and expectations. 

Yes, that's what I was going to say; I think that's the biggest potential problem (especially with a woman who is just a few years into adulthood and a man who is 10+ years older than her), with the second being a greater likelihood of lacking similar experiences and interests.  Or, fundamentally, if the fact the woman is young is why the older man is interested in her and it's his dating MO (or the reverse, but let's be real here), rather than this particular woman who caught his interest for the usual reasons also happens to be young.

Basically, if it's not sleazy or predatory, and the couple have common interests and a similar life status, an age gap isn't an issue.

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5 hours ago, Bastet said:

Basically, if it's not sleazy or predatory, and the couple have common interests and a similar life status, an age gap isn't an issue.

MTE. I'm 42 and have a couple friends my age who married older men but they were in the same stage of life (kids about the same age, established careers) and my friends got married to these men in their mid-late 30s. They weren't early 20somethings marrying someone nearly 40 (or 50).

My personal rule is if they are young enough to be my kid, or old enough to be my dad, pass! Hell, I don't even want to think about dating someone who is 50, and that's only 7 years at this point. When did I get old?!

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On 12/28/2019 at 10:54 PM, theredhead77 said:

MTE. I'm 42 and have a couple friends my age who married older men but they were in the same stage of life (kids about the same age, established careers) and my friends got married to these men in their mid-late 30s. They weren't early 20somethings marrying someone nearly 40 (or 50).

My personal rule is if they are young enough to be my kid, or old enough to be my dad, pass! Hell, I don't even want to think about dating someone who is 50, and that's only 7 years at this point. When did I get old?!

Ha- so true!- when does it happen?  I’m 40 and know Jennifer Aniston is always 10 years older bc our bdays are close so checked out some male celebs who turned 50. 
 

Matthew  McConaughey, Trey Parker, Gerard Butler, and P Diddy (never sure what name he goes by) and none of them seem old at all to me and I’d accept a dinner date if all parties were single. 
 

I listen to a shuffle of all kinds of music and on the way to work the other day Wild Thing by Tone Loc came on and I sang and got down In my car like no ones business. I had the thought- when do you age out of this?  If I live long enough will I be 87 going “oh hell yes- I know all the words!” when Ice Ice Baby comes on?

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21 minutes ago, KnoxForPres said:

Matthew  McConaughey, Trey Parker, Gerard Butler, and P Diddy (never sure what name he goes by) and none of them seem old at all to me

Kenny Chesney is 50fuckin2 as is Vin Diesel and Jason Statham and I would not kick any of them out of bed. 

For kicks here is a list of people born in 1967: https://www.famousbirthdays.com/year/1967.html

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1 hour ago, theredhead77 said:

Kenny Chesney is 50fuckin2 as is Vin Diesel and Jason Statham and I would not kick any of them out of bed. 

For kicks here is a list of people born in 1967: https://www.famousbirthdays.com/year/1967.html

Hahah!  Yes sis!  It’s why when you initially said that I was like- hang now a second!  Some hotties!  Which good news- means real world if we’re on the hunt!  

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6 minutes ago, KnoxForPres said:

Hahah!  Yes sis!  It’s why when you initially said that I was like- hang now a second!  Some hotties!  Which good news- means real world if we’re on the hunt!  

Full disclosure as those have seen me on others- I’m happily engaged!  But hey- a girl knows a hottie 

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I didn’t know where to put this as I don't see a friendship forum so I apologize in advance.

Eight years ago, a former friend ended our 17 year friendship due to my behavior.  He did it via email, blindsiding me.  Twice I tried to make amends but I’m now sure that my responses likely came off as defensive.  Since that time I’ve taken responsibility for my part but I’ve also beaten myself up about it.    

Eight years later, I was thinking of sending him a letter of sincere apology for my behavior.  I am not looking to rekindle the friendship, as he made it clear that while he still considered me a friend, he didn’t see us socializing or hanging out.  Now IMO, that’s not a friend but I digress.  I just want to apologize properly like I should have done all those years ago and to take the steps to forgiving myself for my part in the demise of our friendship.

Anyway, if you were him and you received my letter would you be pissed or would you appreciate the gesture? 

 

 

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14 minutes ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

Anyway, if you were him and you received my letter would you be pissed or would you appreciate the gesture? 

I don't think I can answer that question in a way that would give you any indication of how HE would react. Feelings are unpredictable.* Same feeling can sit in me and in him, and each of us could process it very differently.

What I can say is for sure you should write the letter. Write it a few times. Set it aside for a while and then see if you want to change anything about it. You may end up not wanting to send it at all. Maybe just the exercise of writing will help you heal.

 

Edited by JTMacc99 · Reason: * Feelings are stupid.
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11 minutes ago, Yogisbooboo64 said:

I didn’t know where to put this as I don't see a friendship forum so I apologize in advance.

Eight years ago, a former friend ended our 17 year friendship due to my behavior.  He did it via email, blindsiding me.  Twice I tried to make amends but I’m now sure that my responses likely came off as defensive.  Since that time I’ve taken responsibility for my part but I’ve also beaten myself up about it.    

Eight years later, I was thinking of sending him a letter of sincere apology for my behavior.  I am not looking to rekindle the friendship, as he made it clear that while he still considered me a friend, he didn’t see us socializing or hanging out.  Now IMO, that’s not a friend but I digress.  I just want to apologize properly like I should have done all those years ago and to take the steps to forgiving myself for my part in the demise of our friendship.

Anyway, if you were him and you received my letter would you be pissed or would you appreciate the gesture? 

 

 

I agree with you about friendship. To me friends see one another in person (if they can). If you have nothing to do with one another for years or outside of work or whatever, imo you use the word friend too loosely. Pet peeve of mine! 

Anyhow, to me it depends on the sincerity of the letter. I personally love someone to show me they truly cared and are sorry for actions that caused me pain. It can be really touching. I’ve also been given apologies full of excuses and lies in order to get back into my life. That doesn’t fly with me. My impression based on what you said is that you truly care and are being thoughtful about this. It’s true it’s hard to predict how your old friend will react, but I’d personally appreciate the gesture of a heartfelt apology. 

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I honestly think it would depend on what you did/the circumstances that made this person cut of the friendship. Some things are unforgiveable, tbh, and a letter might just dredge up all of those old feelings again and hurt someone all over again. 

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1 minute ago, emma675 said:

I honestly think it would depend on what you did/the circumstances that made this person cut of the friendship. Some things are unforgiveable, tbh, and a letter might just dredge up all of those old feelings again and hurt someone all over again. 

That's exactly what I was going to say, @Yogisbooboo64 - for me, it would depend on what the behavior that caused me to end the relationship was.  Some things I would not want to be made to revisit, no matter how sincere the apology and regret.  Some things you just have to live with the pain of having done; the closure you'd get from an apology isn't justification for causing further pain to the person you hurt.

So I say, yes, definitely write the letter for your sake, but think long and hard about actually sending it to him.  (Which, I realize, is what you're doing by asking for advice here.)

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Thanks guys for your responses....and thanks for going easy on me, I've been really emotional about this lately.

Emma and Bastet, back then I didn't know about boundaries and I always reacted instead of thinking before.  

 

Edited by Yogisbooboo64

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@Yogisbooboo64 if I got a letter like that, I'd probably be pretty pissed that you still didn't respect my boundaries enough all these years later to leave it alone.

On 1/31/2020 at 2:48 PM, Yogisbooboo64 said:

I am not looking to rekindle the friendship, as he made it clear that while he still considered me a friend, he didn’t see us socializing or hanging out

That's a door closing and locking without being a complete ass about it.

My suggestion is write it for yourself then burn it and move forward with your life with the lessons learned in your pocket.

 

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On 1/31/2020 at 2:48 PM, Yogisbooboo64 said:

I didn’t know where to put this as I don't see a friendship forum so I apologize in advance.

Eight years ago, a former friend ended our 17 year friendship due to my behavior.  He did it via email, blindsiding me.  Twice I tried to make amends but I’m now sure that my responses likely came off as defensive.  Since that time I’ve taken responsibility for my part but I’ve also beaten myself up about it.    

Eight years later, I was thinking of sending him a letter of sincere apology for my behavior.  I am not looking to rekindle the friendship, as he made it clear that while he still considered me a friend, he didn’t see us socializing or hanging out.  Now IMO, that’s not a friend but I digress.  I just want to apologize properly like I should have done all those years ago and to take the steps to forgiving myself for my part in the demise of our friendship.

Anyway, if you were him and you received my letter would you be pissed or would you appreciate the gesture? 

I actually got an E-mail like that, and I didn’t appreciate it.  This was from someone who had been a good friend for a long time, but things that happened between us made it impossible to keep up the friendship.  I had to reconcile my decision to end the friendship, and it was painful, but I knew it was time to move on.  On receiving the E-mail, I felt many things, including guilt that I hadn’t been more understanding, etc., but on thinking about it, I think it was the right decision for me, and I was not okay with what had happened and wished not to have it dredged up again. 

I have no idea what your experience was, so it is hard to offer advice.   I agree with others, perhaps write it and sit on it for a while, and if you do decide to send it, keep your expectations low because you really don’t know how it will be received. 

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First, thanks to everyone who responded, you helped a lot!  I have decided not to send the letter.

Emma675, Bastet, Fable and Theredhead77, your responses were real talk. 

It never occurred to me the possibility that my former friend would be pissed about the contents, as I believed I was being sincere with my intent.  But now, I see that such a letter would dredge up a situation that is best forgotten.  Besides, he has done well for himself and I couldn’t be happier for him.

Now, it is time for me to forgive myself for the role that I played in the demise of the friendship and to move on with my head held high.  It will be challenging, but I'm determined to see it through.

Thanks again, guys!!

Edited by Yogisbooboo64
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On 2/3/2020 at 9:51 AM, Yogisbooboo64 said:

First, thanks to everyone who responded, you helped a lot!  I have decided not to send the letter.

Emma675, Bastet, Fable and Theredhead77, your responses were real talk. 

It never occurred to me the possibility that my former friend would be pissed about the contents, as I believed I was being sincere with my intent.  But now, I see that such a letter would dredge up a situation that is best forgotten.  Besides, he has done well for himself and I couldn’t be happier for him.

Now, it is time for me to forgive myself for the role that I played in the demise of the friendship and to move on with my head held high.  It will be challenging, but I'm determined to see it through.

Thanks again, guys!!

I think your maturity and thoughtfulness to the responses show a lot about your character. To be sure we have all done regretful things but as you stated- it’s learning and vowing to do better. 
 

You’ve beaten yourself up enough. It is now in the past and onward and forward to better!

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On 2/3/2020 at 9:51 AM, Yogisbooboo64 said:

It never occurred to me the possibility that my former friend would be pissed about the contents, as I believed I was being sincere with my intent. 

The two aren't mutually exclusive. I'm glad you decided to not send it and move forward with your life.

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