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S05.E09: A Simple Story

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The army leaders consider their options in the aftermath of the battle; in Floki's camp, all hopes of binding the community together are dashed as tragedy unfolds.

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I know it's been a while since the Attitude Era, but damn, Edge is barely recognizable.

Lagertha and Heahmund have even less chemistry than Judith and Athelstan. How is that even possible?

No Aethewulf!!!!!!!!! I figured it had to be coming, but damnit! Now my fave is gone. :(  If I didn't hate Judith before, this eppie certainly would've done it. Does she even care about Aethelred at all? It doesn't seem like it. I've always thought she resented him for being Aethelwulf's. Poor Aethelred.

Edited by Silverglitter
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I think Lagertha and Heahmund have chemistry. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist her.

I don’t get the deal with Æthelred (who really was king for a few years before Alfred). Why did he do a complete 180?

The only thing I ever liked about Rollo was his body. Why would he help Psycho Boy?

Edited by LittleIggy · Reason: Stupid error!
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3 minutes ago, LittleIggy said:

I don’t get the deal with Æthelred (who really was king for a few years before Alfred). Why did he do a complete 180?

Cause he saw that that bitch who incubated him would've found a way to make it happen for precious Alfred anyway? It's one thing to be neglected by your mother, but Judith was clearly ready to pull some shit if she didn't get what she wanted.

Edited by Silverglitter
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Just now, LittleIggy said:

Why would he help Psycho Boy?

He was always jealous of Ragnar and resents not having Lagertha back in the day, perhaps.  We shall see.

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This is how Hirst kills off Aethelwulf?  You have to be kidding  me.

 Rollo  not siding with  Bjorn and Lagertha makes zero sense.  He sends an army to defeat Bjorn but they can't kill him? Yeah, sure, Ivar will do just as Rollo wishes.

This show has gotten real stupid real fast.

3 minutes ago, jackjill89 said:

So, was that it...an allergic reaction to an insect bite? 

I think it was a bee sting. Shakes head at it all.

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5 minutes ago, magdalene said:

This is how Hirst kills off Aethelwulf?  You have to be kidding  me.

 Rollo  not siding with  Bjorn and Lagertha makes zero sense.  He sends an army to defeat Bjorn but they can't kill him? Yeah, sure, Ivar will do just as Rollo wishes.

This show has gotten real stupid real fast.

I think it was a bee sting. Shakes head at it all.

It didn't even look like a bee. It thought it was a beetle.

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Are there beetles whose sting can kill you? I am seriously asking.  I assumed it was a bee because bee stings can kill you if you are allergic.

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It's sadly fitting that Aethelwulf who was perennially the second runner-up for his father's affections despite being an only child and a bridesmaid kind of king died an ignoble death by bee sting instead of finally finally winning any kind of glory in battle.  The actor almost seemed aware of it too.  As much as I may have enjoyed Aethelred's initial "fuck this, I'm outta here" walkout when Judith first suggested his talking a pass on the crown, he knows that he's a second run, bridesmaid kind of son too.  Judith was going to make it happen one way or another for sainted seed Alfred.

Nothing else on the show is making much sense.  Rollo off-screen choosing Ivar, who he probably only barely remembers as a small cripped child, over Bjorn?  Heamund woodenly declaring undying devotion to Lagertha, who he's known for all of about five minutes?  Does anybody really care or even know what's going on at Floki's island of stilted acting?

I've enjoyed a fair bit of Vikings: The Next Generation, but they're losing me.

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I used to hate Astrid and her psycho hubby, Harald...but now I am liking them and rooting for the two of them to wipe out all of the Lothbroks. Oh, except for the brother who looks most like Bjorn and Ragnar  (Ubbe) and Bjorn's tossed aside wife, Torve (and Bjorn' s new squeeze looks like Girl with the Pearl earring).

Edited by Lamima
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What's up with Astrid anyway? Is she all devoted to Harald and their kingdom now? She could've easily defected to Lagertha, but didn't. I know she's pregnant, but it could be anybody's.

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I will miss Moe Dunford - many times his acting was far better than the material written for his character.  He deserved a better exit.

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22 hours ago, jackjill89 said:

It didn't even look like a bee. It thought it was a beetle.

It was definitely a bee. They showed it a couple of time. My first thought was “anaphylactic shock?” after Aethelwulf was stung.

22 hours ago, Babalooie said:

Great, honest review. 

21 hours ago, Lamima said:

 (and Bjorn' s new squeeze looks like Girl with the Pearl earring).

OMG, I thought the same thing the first time I saw her.

Edited by LittleIggy
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14 hours ago, magdalene said:

This is how Hirst kills off Aethelwulf?  You have to be kidding  me.

 Rollo  not siding with  Bjorn and Lagertha makes zero sense.  He sends an army to defeat Bjorn but they can't kill him? Yeah, sure, Ivar will do just as Rollo wishes.

This show has gotten real stupid real fast.

 

Yes this was the worst written episode of the series ever.

I must say it was consistent in one regard.  EVERY single scene in this episode made totally no sense at all.

13 hours ago, Babalooie said:

Quite an excellent review.  I highly recommend clicking on this link.  It just saved me writing the exact same thing this guy said but much more poorly.

Okay I can't resist writing some stuff anyway.  I need to vent.  But he really really does it better. 

And among all the other points the guy makes I like how he always returns to why on earth is Team Kattegat's army still camped on the now deserted battlefield literally weeks after the battle.  Remember Hvitserk has sailed to Normandy and back where Uncle Rollo, who doesn't even remember the twerp back in the day, apparently promised the idiot anything he wanted on Med Vacation 1.0 for some reason.  Anyway, time retreating after battle + Hvitserk's suggestion and voyage "there and back again" (cough) + word reaching Summer Camp Kattegat (still tenting in the woods only a day's march or so from home, why???) would have been approaching a month if not more.

I agree totally with the guy too about missing out on more interesting history by leap frogging Aethelred for Alfred.  Hey we all know Alfred will get the crown soon enough.  Let Aethelred get to fail first and show Alfred the better choice instead of turning Judith into some backstabbing stage mother.

Maybe the worst was Lagertha hooking up with Bishop BadActor who has set the all time record of conversion of a Christian into a Pagan.  Worst "relationship" of any in the show's history and we had to suffer through Yadig or whatever she was called (Ragnar's drug dealer anyway) and Ragnar plus the skivvy Frankish guy's creepy dungeon sessions.

I expected decline in the show but, and I hate to use that over-used phrase, this episode was Vikings "jump the shark" episode for me.  I'm done rationalizing away the bad stuff and if I'm reduced to making fun of the show the rest of the way then so be it. 

Like I said in last episode's thread, most series are only really good their first two seasons and can still remain pretty good in their third and with luck have a few decent episodes in the fourth though not that many.  But we are in the fifth season of this series now and it shows.  So I'll always be grateful for Vikings: The Classical Seasons but not so much for this mess.

To end on the most positive note I can come up with on this episode, there was at least some ironic humor in the Iceland stuff where Floki is the one trying to "turn the other cheek."  Athelstan giggles down at him from his heaven.

Edited by green
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I too am mystified why Aethelred didn't become king first and then Alfred.  Like it was in history.  And what happened to the succession rules?    The older son has dibs over the younger son no matter what someone like Judith would want.

Instead we have mommy putting Alfred on the throne.  Good grief.

It was always weird and questionable that Hirst was writing this show  all by himself but for four seasons he managed to pull it off - helped in a big way by the charisma of Travis Fimmel.

But now the wheels have come off and Hirst has lost all judgment as a writer.

 

The insta-devotion from Heahmund for Lagertha is ridiculous too.

 

For four seasons my love of history and knowledge of it had helped my viewing pleasure of this show.  I knew Hirst  was writing historical fiction based on actual history.  But now he is mangling history in such a laughable way that knowing history it hurts me watching this dreck.

Edited by magdalene
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RIP Æthelwulf.

Randomly killed by a bug.

Fuck you, Michael Hirst.

Moe Dunford deserved better.

 

This was truly the WORST episode I have ever seen. From start to finish, the writing was atrocious.

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I have never liked Judith and this made my hatred stronger. This was a terrible episode. The Rollo thing made no sense. Whatever he wanted with Lagertha, I felt he was super close with Bjorn. Maybe he's made about Bjorn dunking him in the drink the last time they were together. 

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Oof.  Weakest episode of the season and maybe one of the weakest episodes in the history of the show.  That Forbes reviews reminded me of even stuff I didn't pick up, like why the hell are the Vikings still camped out at the battle weeks later?

So let's begin...go fuck yourself, Judith!  Basically what she's saying is that Alfred should be king because Ecbert had a raging hard-on for Athelstan.  I thank this board for filling me in for information on the real Alfred and I knew that Michael Hirst had made changes to his backstory like the whole Athelstan thing.  But he seems to have multiplied that problem by ten with what he did yesterday.  He's in such a rush to make Alfred, who hasn't distinguished himself as a character on this show, king that he's passing up not only logic (why the hell would Aethelred pass up the crown?) but good storyline potential.  Aethelred was king for six years.  I imagine the show would have taken some liberties with that but Alfred rising up to become king after his brother's death would have been a far more interesting and logical story.  This version of Alfred becoming a king is a joke and just bad storytelling.  Hirst has ignored Aethelred like his characters have but you know something's wrong when I feel more sympathy for him after this than I do for any other character on this show.

Rollo!  So good to have you back...oh, wait.  He's nowhere to be found and inexplicably giving his army to his psycho nephews with the provision that they don't kill Bjorn.  Yeah, good luck with that.

While I like the Iceland stuff, it feels so disconnected to the rest of the show.

Now, speaking of bad writing, WTF with religious fanatic Heahmund swearing fealty to Lagertha.  Him having sex with her isn't a surprise but that's still a long way from swearing fealty to a heathen queen and her heathen army.  Hirst decides to skip any of that storyline and character development and as a result you get this mess.

Athelwulf's death...that was abrupt.  Still, Moe Dunford sold the hell out of that emotional death scene and I will miss him a great deal on this show.  Also liked Harald stopping Ivar's men from trying to kill Bjorn.

Speaking of Aetherled, the actor looks a LOT like Tom "Draco Malfoy" Felton.  I wonder if the two are related.

Edited by benteen
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5 hours ago, spinxella said:

Randomly killed by a bug.

Just rewatched.   Maybe it wasn't random in Hirst's mind.   Wulfie had made a speech about the enemy army swarming like hornets.  I guess the manner of death was symbolic.

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1 hour ago, benteen said:

This version of Alfred become a king is a joke and just bad storytelling.  Hirst has ignored Aethelred like his characters but you know something's wrong when I feel more sympathy for him after this than I do for any other character on the show.

Yeah, and it's compelled me to root for the Great Heathen Army in future battles despite what I said a few eppies back. I've always rooted for Wessex/The Saxons, but eff that, I'm done. Go psycho Ivar!

Aethelred went from a non-entity, to me rooting for him hardcore. Rooting for what, I don't know; maybe matricide. 

I've never seen anything else Hirst has written/created/whatever, though I've heard of his other stuff. I now understand why people complain about the writing. Well, I guess I always understood, but I liked a lot of the characters enough to ignore the writing flaws. And he apparently has some kind of hard on for JRM.

Edited by Silverglitter
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Well, I'll just sit on the bench by myself because I love this season, and as far as I'm concerned, this show is as good as its ever been.

I was initially confused about what happened to Athelwulf and I couldn't figure out the swollen eyes.  I knew I'd find out by coming here!

I loved how Lagertha blew the candles out in that sexy way while she was talking to Heahmund.  I knew they were going to go at it, and they do have chemistry.  I hope he doesn't betray her but it wouldn't surprise me at all if he did.

Oh, just had to add that I don't give a crap about that Forbes review.

Edited by Ohwell
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The time jumps are killing me!  I have to think it would take the better part of a year to get to Rollo, negotiate the handoff of his troops, and then get them all outfitted and assembled again at Harald's kingdom.  Yet the weather's still good, and everyone still looks fresh, not like they've been camping for the winter.  

In the meantime, who is ruling Kattegat?  Margrethe? I don't know how many children Torvi and Bjorn had, but if the two they showed were the ones that Torvi handed to Margrethe before they left, then they've aged at least a year.    

In Flokiville, there didn't seem to be sufficient progress for that much time to have passed though.  

And the fickle bishop's injuries make no sense, because it looks like he will be well enough to fight next week.  They certainly (probably) didn't prevent him from a tryst with Lagertha.  And how does that work, anyway?  "Temporary detente, let's have sex!"

Such nonsense.

But I will still watch, darn it.  I want to see when/how Margrethe makes her move.  For some reason, she intrigues me. 

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I must've blinked and missed it but Lagertha and the Bishop hooked up? I suppose that makes more sense that he laid down his sword at her feet but I definitely missed that.

Damn you show for teasing us with Rollo. I'd have loved to seen him again.

Anybody have any guesses as to how old Lagertha is supposed to be? 40's maybe?

Floki, Floki, Floki. So little goes right for this man and the things he attempts. Personally I think they should've built themselves homes before a temple was erected but who cares. I don't exactly remember seeing many trees anywhere so I wonder where they got the wood from.

I know the consensus here doesn't have a lot of like for Jonathan Rhys Meyers but I've always been a fan of his. Color me superficial but he is damn yummy, those lips.

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20 minutes ago, Lady Iris said:

I must've blinked and missed it but Lagertha and the Bishop hooked up? I suppose that makes more sense that he laid down his sword at her feet but I definitely missed that.

She blew out the last of the candles and everything went dark, cut to commercial (or the next scene, I forget) so I just think we're to assume that they hooked up.  They did look kinda relaxed the next time we saw them, heh. 

Count me in as a fan of JRM's lips. 

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Oh, and poor Aethelwulf.  I was pretty sure they were going to kill him off this season, but didn't see that bee sting coming.  Now we'll never get to see how he would do as king when the country wasn't under attack or hear how he and Judith reconciled after their terrible history.  I did like that Aethelred called her out on it, though.  Despite what Judith said and wants to believe, I doubt that Eckbert favored Alfred because he saw that he had "gifts" that made him more fit to be king. It was all about their beloved Athelstan.  

But it's interesting that we were fed these images of Eckbert being a deep thinker and Aethelwulf being "the muscle" and now the writers are pushing those same labels on the Alfred and Athelred.  Despite my frustration with this show (for starters that it's called "Vikings" and not "Saxons"), this could develop into a cool storyline. 

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1 hour ago, Lady Iris said:

Anybody have any guesses as to how old Lagertha is supposed to be? 40's maybe?

Given Bjorn is already well into his 30's, even if Lagertha had Bjorn in her mid-teens she is at least 50.  But more likely mid to late 50's plus since she was suppose to have been a famed shield maiden already when the show started and I assume that was before the kids came and she became a stay-at-home mom until Athelstan came along to baby sit them so she could go raid again with Ragnar.

If Hirst is going all out into making Lagertha unlikeable aka Ragnar's drug-addled fall from grace to prepare viewers for her demise he certainly put the nail in the coffin with Bishop BadActor.  Guy is a hypocrite of the worst kind, a blood-thirsty psychopath and the actor can't act is way out of a paper bag besides.  No way would the Lagertha of past seasons given him the time of day.  Kalf was light years better than Bishop Hoarse Whispers which is not meant as praise for Kalf.

Edited by green
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I know women in their 50's who look just as good and in shape as Lagertha, so I really don't see it as that big of a deal that she looks the way she does.

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The women are kept ageless on this show. I wish we could say the same about the men. Fingers crossed for when we see hunky Rollo again.

Edited by Silverglitter
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6 minutes ago, Ohwell said:

I know women in their 50's who look just as good and in shape as Lagertha, so I really don't see it as that big of a deal that she looks the way she does.

But that is modern day women with make-up and good nutrition and central heating and cars to travel in and no battle ax scars etc.  Lagertha looks to be in her 30's this season.  So does Judith.  Women have not been aged well on this show.  Ragner looked more like Lagertha's father than her former husband by his end and they were around the same age. 

Does a disservice to women making them constant "objects" for the male viewers and not celebrating the wrinkles earned and the aging process in women as in women aren't allowed to look 40 or older ever because men demand they remain objects of desire.

Edited by green
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 I found it very interesting that Judith now wears her hair back revealing her missing ear. 

 My new goal in life is to sex some guy up so well that he pledges undying fealty to me and lays his sword at my feet.

 Unlike some of you I’m really not looking forward to Rollo coming back. They lost me with that whole storyline that was just a cheesy romance novel plot with the princess as his reluctant bride.

 I also really don’t understand why someone just doesn’t stick a sword into Ivar and be done with his nonsense.

Edited by PityFree
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1 hour ago, green said:

But that is modern day women with make-up and good nutrition and central heating and cars to travel in and no battle ax scars etc.  Lagertha looks to be in her 30's this season.  So does Judith.  Women have not been aged well on this show.  Ragner looked more like Lagertha's father than her former husband by his end and they were around the same age. 

Does a disservice to women making them constant "objects" for the male viewers and not celebrating the wrinkles earned and the aging process in women as in women aren't allowed to look 40 or older ever because men demand they remain objects of desire.

*sigh*  I still don't think it's a big deal that Lagertha looks as good as she does, battle scars and all.  It's just a tv show.

As, I said before, I still love this show and I've loved posting, but now I think it's best for me to just show myself out the door. 

Peace out.

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1 hour ago, Silverglitter said:

The women are kept ageless on this show. I wish we could say the same about the men. Fingers crossed for when we see hunky Rollo again.

Hopefully we'll see him without that ridiculous French haircut!

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1 hour ago, green said:

Kalf was light years better than Bishop Hoarse Whispers which is not meant as praise for Kalf.

Ah, dumb, pretty Kalf. How naive I was to think he'd be the only bad actor eye candy this show would produce for the men. Nope, then Bishop Pretty Eyes came around. I do think JRM is attractive, and it's his eyes that do it for me.

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1 hour ago, PityFree said:

 I found it very interesting that Judith now wears her hair back revealing her missing ear. 

I thought she only wore it pulled-back on the side that still had an ear.  The earless side had sort of a Princess Leia bun-roll.

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7 minutes ago, mcjen said:

I thought she only wore it pulled-back on the side that still had an ear.  The earless side had sort of a Princess Leia bun-roll.

Yes, she has done that in the past, but at the coronation of Alfred, she wore it back/up on both sides — exposing her missing ear.

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17 hours ago, mccartygirl said:

Fingers crossed for when we see hunky Rollo again.

Maybe he'll be returning with a "very particular set of skills".  (Taken)

Edited by Babalooie · Reason: No one got the joke.

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2 hours ago, PityFree said:
Quote

I thought she only wore it pulled-back on the side that still had an ear.  The earless side had sort of a Princess Leia bun-roll.

Yes, she has done that in the past, but at the coronation of Alfred, she wore it back/up on both sides — exposing her missing ear.

Not to get too deep into defending Judith because I've never found her as important as the show clearly wanted me to, but if I had once been bound to a stake in front of the court, slut shamed to the point of losing an ear for something the sitting king damn well knew I had done and hadn't objected to at the time, and now managed to outplay and outlast every last one of those fucks to get the product of my infidelity on the throne, I'd probably be flaunting it too.  Go ahead and look.  The bastard child you were willing to do this to me over is now king.   I just managed to usurp the entire royal succession. 

It was bugging me a little when Judith was going on and on about how Ecbert had so wisely educated and set up Alfred to be king because as always I kept thinking "you mean the same guy who let them slice off your ear and then took you into his bed."  It hadn't yet registered with me that we were supposed to be seeing that as Judith playing the very long game and winning, regardless of what we might actually think about it.

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43 minutes ago, nodorothyparker said:

It hadn't yet registered with me that we were supposed to be seeing that as Judith playing the very long game and winning, regardless of what we might actually think about it.

She just came off as awful to me - belittling Aethelred with backhanded compliments and praising Alfred as being essentially so much more smarter than him.  Always a great idea to do that with siblings!  Aethelred was holding back tears when he stood down, which just made me dislike her more.   It doesn't help that I think the actress playing Judith is not very good - she came off as borderline unhinged, rather than someone taking advantage of an opportunity (though how?  why not Aethelred? oh never mind, I still don't care much for the Saxons).  

Aw, Floki,  I don't feel badly for you exactly but you thought you were getting a group of like minded zealots and instead got a group of squabbling whiners.

This one felt like filler to me - I get that everyone has to regroup, but we know Bjorn's not going to convince Ivar to back off or that Bjorn is going to be killed by Ivar's men, so there was no tension. 

Kind of a yawner.

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Son of the Norse's weekly recap (in 15 acts) & Tales of a Modern Viking!  **please note, glossary for all my "modern Viking Lingo" will be found after every section.

 

t-manaus3.jpg

 

This week I again start with the "tales of a modern Viking"! I landed in Miami a little while ago after several days of enduring one of the most grueling modern Viking adventures I have been on!  After repelling down from my friends Heli (about 200 Klicks from nowhere), I made my way through the dense and dangerous state of Amazonas, on a mission to find and Swim in the Amazon river.  I won't bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say I wound of losing my GICD due to a near 16 foot Anaconda deciding I would be a lovely snack!  Needless to say; I grabbed the first thing handy (was setting up my GICD, so I had it out), shoved it down his maw, and applied my massive man hands to the act of crushing it inside his throat.  The giant snake was more tenacious that even I expected and it took over 4 minutes for me to end his life.  Taking his skin for a trophy; I stripped it and dried it as best I could in the moist conditions and fashioned a sort of loin cloth out of it after stripping off my civilized attire.  For 1 and 1/2 days I traveled like that, with nothing but my snake skin cover, a two and a half foot long machete, and a small water proof pouch with water purification tablets inside.  The stench of the snake skin must have worked; because as I closed in on almost 2 full days of hiking through the tropical rain forest, I found a low plateau that was somewhat dry and climbed a tree to pass out and catch a nap.  I awoke to find a jaguar sharing the same branch with me; but from the smell of the snake, or the smell of my overwhelming manly musk, he did not attempt to molest me.  On the 3rd day I was very excited as I ran into a tribe that had never had contact with the outside world!!!  There were 17 comely females (ranging in age from 19 to 44), and no males when I met them (I figured the men were out hunting)?  The were in awe of my appearance, my hair, my eyes, and other obvious attributes they could spy under the tightly fitting snake skin loin cloth.  After a few hours, it was easy for a modern Viking like me to learn their very rudimentary language.  The were called the "Kqrnqp" (close as I can come to the English language tongue). Their name meant the "Seldom sky people", due I guess to the heavy forest canopy over their heads daily.  Their men had died many years ago in a tribal war and their biggest concern of their small village was that their race would die out.  After much begging I agreed to "lay" with the tribe members that were in or still in the "womanly way".  It turned out that all of them were.  17 hours later I had planted the 'seeds' of my future ancestors in all of them back to back to back; and thought it best to leave in the night as they all lay passed out and exhausted (besides, I don't think even one of them would know how to make me a sandwich).  As I stole through the night I heard one of them rouse and call out; "Farewell NKTUDAN"!  In her own language.  Translated, it means "demi god who seeds the world" (how cute of them). LOL

Needless to say; after all that excitement, the rest of the trip (eating a stingray while swimming in the Amazon; paddling side by side with pink dolphins, and being a guest MMA instructor at a friends Jujitsu studio in Manaus seemed rather boring).

After catching a flight to Miami from the Eduardo Gomes Int. Airport; I have sat at the bar watching the latest episode of Vikings!  My recaps follows (sorry it is so short this week, I have had a looonnnggg week).....

 

Glossary: GICD=Global internet connectivity device.

 

Act 1 - Who will mourn the dead?:

Watching the families await the warriors return to see if their loved one died.  Very nicely done.  I felt bad for the people in FH's village; the little boy at the end was probably the son of the viking who died with his eyes open.  We then cut to Laggy's village to see the wounded and her going to see BBA in the tent.  She asks him if he is a "switch-hitter" (but I don't think he caught the reference), and then she mentions that her Gods encourage loving the flesh (cannot get more obvious than that), and he finally catches on.  You can see he is becoming memorized by her more and more every minute.

 

Glossary: FH (king Harald fine hair), Laggy (Largertha), BBA (Bishop bad actor).

 

Act 2 - Picnic table chillin:

Not too much going on in this act; ITB chillin, FH stressing, and BB coming out of the blue with the whole Rollo thing.  Bottom line; FH still counts on ItB's input for all the strategy.

 

Glossary: ItB (Ivar), FH (see above), BB (boy band aka Hvitserk).

 

Act 3 - Mr Mojo Rising:

We cut to Flokiland and get to see a baby goat in an elevator, Edge talking with Floks about Bitcher Bitchersson, and that is about it.  It is not along act, but sets us up for more later.

 

Glossary: Flokiland (Iceland), Floks (Floki), Bitcher Bitchersson (Davin (sp) aka the guy trying to undermine Floki's every turn).

 

Act 4 - FH & SK; A soap opera:

It was kind of like a soap opera with them both talking serious about life and being happy.  Being honest though; I really liked this very short act.  I am growing more and more fond of FH, and a little (and I do mean little) more tolerable of SH.

 

Glossary:  FH (see above), SH (skank hair aka Astrid).

 

Act 5 - Iceland's first Asatru temple?:

Dog boy continues to be like his daddy and provoke the others.  The dads step up to sling their axs and FFW steps in again to save the day.  Floks watches in silence.


Glossary: Dog Boy (Bitcher Bitchersson's son), FFW (Floki's future wife).

 

Act 6 - Oh when the Francs come marching in, oh when the Francs come marching in:

I have never heard in my life of so many French people running towards battle! LOL We are all bummed that Rollo didn't show up (maybe he is not contracted for this season)?   ItB says they "may" spare Bjorn, with a twinkle in his eye...

 

Glossary: ItB (see above).

 

Act 7 - mmm mmm good, mmm mmm good, a bowl of steaming goats blood, mmm mmm good:

We get to see the blessing of Tor's (Thor's) temple.  The blood soup makes me hungry, but before I can say yummy, the jerk hole; Dog boy wastes it all on another act of "stirring up the shit".  Floki almost loses his cool, but his new "cool hand Floki" attitude prevails.

 

Act 8 - pimpin' like Ivar:

BBA gets to do the pimp crawl like Ivar.  He is hot for Laggy and she knows it.  I love the line (after he blah blah blahs with her), when she says; "You really want to sin again"?  You can tell that he is falling for her hard!  He has "known her his whole life", which I think means "widows like her", but I really thinks she is different in his eyes.  Not a crying, whining widow; but a strong sexy widow...and he wants her very badly!  The lights go out and the magic happens.

 

Glossary: BBA (see above), Laggy (see above).

 

Act 9 - Torvi's new BAE & the worst baby sitter ever!!!:

We get some more smooching action with Bug Eyes and Ub's.  Then we see "M" be one of the most cruel baby sitters ever.  Golly I hate this chick!  Good writing in my opinion, that one character can stay hate worthy for so long LOL.

 

Glossary: Bug eyes (Torvi), Ubs (Ubbe), "M" (that evil chick).

 

Act 10 - Bjorn dumbfounded about Rollo's support:

Really slow act.  Bjorn pleads again not to fight; Ivar stands up to him/tries to kill (or capture) him, Fine hair steps in; "not our way"!  I did have to yawn during this scene.

 

Act 11 - Bee-strong my king, Bee-quiet my king, Bee-dead my king:

The mentioning of the stinging and wasps was a clue to what was coming.  The king swats a little honey bee and it's little stinger turns his face into a marsh mellow man. I did enjoy the death scene and his last words.  I just don't know how he lived long enough to say all that if he was going into anaphylactic shock (my own life experiences show that people die about 10-15 minutes after an insect bite if severely allergic).  Glad he just talked to his boys and not his wife really.  Truly he couldn't stand her.

 

Glossary: The King (ol' dead what's his name).

 

Act 12 - My dad wanted to be a Farmer, part 17:

I am sick of hearing about Ragnar wanting to be a farmer.  He showed as much love for raiding, killing, and cheating on his wife; that I am beginning to doubt his love for kicking around cow pies.

 

Act 13 - Like father like son:

Aethelred is just like his father was.  Bending to the will of his mother is just as bad as his dad being told to love his adopted bastard son by his father in law.  I have no love for this kid.  He is weak in spirit and in deeds.  Alfred looks like a wimp; but we know he will be 'great' in the long run.  I for one am glad we get to skip the boring rule of "Aethelred the mommy whipped".  The bribed christian what ever his is, is just as bad.

 

Act 14 - Crowning of girly boy:

Aethelred the mommy whipped gives up the crown for his bastard bro.  The only good thing about this story line is we might get to see Alfred step and be a man when he guts his jellyfish brother who wouldn't stand up to his "scarlet lettered" mother.

 

Act 15 - Saving the best for last:


Easily my favorite act.  It  jumps from one scene to another with a poetic flow that overwhelms the soul.....

  • Alfred walks, the choir boys sing.
  • BBA walking like a man now, has a look like; "You know it!  I tapped that ass last night"!
  • Iceland, the temple burns.
  • Alfred close up; so much make up and duck lips you know he would be a star in a Turkish prison!
  • Floki's shock while Thor's idol burns.
  • Alfred's evil mommy has a smirk from hell (and then the Viking music starts in the background which is awesome).
  • BBA continues to strut!
  • Thor falls...Floki drops to his knees....
  • BBA drops to his knees in front of Laggy....
  • Alfred drops to his knees for a crown..... (all the simultaneous knee dropping was perfect, and not missed by the watchful viewer).
  • Shock or Awe is on the face of Floki, Alfred, and BBA in turn.
  • BBA pledges his life to Laggy after a night of "Reverse Norse-girl" took care of his 'sins'.
  • Long live the king!
  • Bee is still kicking (someone got a swatter)?
  • Aethelred's hateful glare.
  • I can't remember if I cried when I read about when dog boy died (sung to the tune of American Pie)...and a mother cries out to the night.
  • While the mother's wail carries into the close we see a sceptre given to a new king; a sword returned to a warrior, and pain given to a faithful follower of the Gods...

Can't wait until next week!!!!!!!

 

In closing, here are some final thoughts in regards to things already brought up on the forum:

Bishop to weak to dilly dally (probably got the same treatment Fair Hair got and didn't have to move much).

Wood in Iceland? There is some; drift wood is also plentiful.

Laggy's age.  Who give a hoot!

Woman now days have "good nutrition"?  LMAO  Big Macs, and fast foods!  A ton of chemicals in all our foods!  I could go on and on....The raw stingray I ate in the Amazon was healthier than anything we buy in the stores today.  I will have to humbly disagree with my forum BFF "Greeny" on just this one occassion....wink!

 

See ya'll next week CVFs!! (crazy viking fans).  I am a stay at home this week...will sail to Iceland in 2 weeks and tell you all about it! :)

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2 hours ago, nodorothyparker said:

Not to get too deep into defending Judith because I've never found her as important as the show clearly wanted me to, but if I had once been bound to a stake in front of the court, slut shamed to the point of losing an ear for something the sitting king damn well knew I had done and hadn't objected to at the time, and now managed to outplay and outlast every last one of those fucks to get the product of my infidelity on the throne, I'd probably be flaunting it too.  Go ahead and look.  The bastard child you were willing to do this to me over is now king.   I just managed to usurp the entire royal succession. 

It was bugging me a little when Judith was going on and on about how Ecbert had so wisely educated and set up Alfred to be king because as always I kept thinking "you mean the same guy who let them slice off your ear and then took you into his bed."  It hadn't yet registered with me that we were supposed to be seeing that as Judith playing the very long game and winning, regardless of what we might actually think about it.

Hirst never gives any other woman other than Lagertha enough time to breathe as a character so you can figure out their nuances and motivations. Judith in principle seems like a super intriguing and awesome character, in action, less so. Similar to Rollo's wife. They made her seem like the stealth brains and bravery running the show, then reduced her dickmatized housewife two episodes later. The two probably have less screen time combined than the Crazy 'I deal with my sexual trauma by being every man's nympho daydream' Queen who died ages ago. 

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On 1/18/2018 at 5:25 AM, mccartygirl said:

I have never liked Judith and this made my hatred stronger. This was a terrible episode. The Rollo thing made no sense. Whatever he wanted with Lagertha, I felt he was super close with Bjorn. Maybe he's made about Bjorn dunking him in the drink the last time they were together. 

Rollo had major issues with Ragnar but not with Lagertha and Bjorn. He loved them.

On 1/18/2018 at 4:05 PM, mccartygirl said:

Hopefully we'll see him without that ridiculous French haircut!

And without a shirt.

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On 1/17/2018 at 9:21 PM, magdalene said:

Are there beetles whose sting can kill you? I am seriously asking.  I assumed it was a bee because bee stings can kill you if you are allergic.

It was a wasp, I believe.  Though, it turns out--wasp and hornets cause a VERY severe localized reaction--my husband swells up twice the size of Aethelwulf--his entire head blows up (but not his airway)--what will kill you, are BEES.  Colour me surprised. We discovered this by running out of an Epipen, and having to resort to waiting it out,and calling 811 (like 911 only with medical people on the line)  They basically said what I just said above. I've always waited 15 mins, Anaphylaxis will get you within that time period--no time for long goodbyes while laying in bed, poor Aethelwulf. 

But the rest of the show was as ridiculous as this part was.  Judith has turned into a psycho., all she needs is some eye rolling and teeth gnashing, she has the evil looks and voice down pat.   Rollo has sent troops to help 2 children he does not even know (Ivar and Hvitserk) while fighting against 2 people he both knew and loved??? AKA Lagertha and Bjorn. At his worst, he was an ok guy because he loved young Bjorn and Lagertha.  And he would also know that Aslaug was not Queen of Kattegat--Lagertha and Ragnar were the rulers, first. So, Hirst is forgetting his own loose history. 

I can't believe this is the same show I loved so much when it first came out.  There isn't anything remotely pleasant about it now, now I seem to be just hate-watching. 

And while I'm in my 50s, and have not a bit of grey hair or wrinkles and eat well, I do have a "mid-50s body".  Broader than 10 years ago due to missing estrogen, about the same shape on top, middle, and bottom.... Lagertha should look like hell in her 50s and with fewer teeth. She was a shield maiden all those years, and never lost a single pearly white? I fell off my horse and lost a tooth, for pete's sake! 

Ok, enough of me being crabby about this really boring episode.

20 hours ago, Son of the Norse said:

Son of the Norse's weekly recap (in 15 acts) & Tales of a Modern Viking!  **please note, glossary for all my "modern Viking Lingo" will be found after every section.

 

t-manaus3.jpg

 

This week I again start with the "tales of a modern Viking"! I landed in Miami a little while ago after several days of enduring one of the most grueling modern Viking adventures I have been on!  After repelling down from my friends Heli (about 200 Klicks from nowhere), I made my way through the dense and dangerous state of Amazonas, on a mission to find and Swim in the Amazon river.  I won't bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say I wound of losing my GICD due to a near 16 foot Anaconda deciding I would be a lovely snack!  Needless to say; I grabbed the first thing handy (was setting up my GICD, so I had it out), shoved it down his maw, and applied my massive man hands to the act of crushing it inside his throat.  The giant snake was more tenacious that even I expected and it took over 4 minutes for me to end his life.  Taking his skin for a trophy; I stripped it and dried it as best I could in the moist conditions and fashioned a sort of loin cloth out of it after stripping off my civilized attire.  For 1 and 1/2 days I traveled like that, with nothing but my snake skin cover, a two and a half foot long machete, and a small water proof pouch with water purification tablets inside.  The stench of the snake skin must have worked; because as I closed in on almost 2 full days of hiking through the tropical rain forest, I found a low plateau that was somewhat dry and climbed a tree to pass out and catch a nap.  I awoke to find a jaguar sharing the same branch with me; but from the smell of the snake, or the smell of my overwhelming manly musk, he did not attempt to molest me.  On the 3rd day I was very excited as I ran into a tribe that had never had contact with the outside world!!!  There were 17 comely females (ranging in age from 19 to 44), and no males when I met them (I figured the men were out hunting)?  The were in awe of my appearance, my hair, my eyes, and other obvious attributes they could spy under the tightly fitting snake skin loin cloth.  After a few hours, it was easy for a modern Viking like me to learn their very rudimentary language.  The were called the "Kqrnqp" (close as I can come to the English language tongue). Their name meant the "Seldom sky people", due I guess to the heavy forest canopy over their heads daily.  Their men had died many years ago in a tribal war and their biggest concern of their small village was that their race would die out.  After much begging I agreed to "lay" with the tribe members that were in or still in the "womanly way".  It turned out that all of them were.  17 hours later I had planted the 'seeds' of my future ancestors in all of them back to back to back; and thought it best to leave in the night as they all lay passed out and exhausted (besides, I don't think even one of them would know how to make me a sandwich).  As I stole through the night I heard one of them rouse and call out; "Farewell NKTUDAN"!  In her own language.  Translated, it means "demi god who seeds the world" (how cute of them). LOL

Needless to say; after all that excitement, the rest of the trip (eating a stingray while swimming in the Amazon; paddling side by side with pink dolphins, and being a guest MMA instructor at a friends Jujitsu studio in Manaus seemed rather boring).

After catching a flight to Miami from the Eduardo Gomes Int. Airport; I have sat at the bar watching the latest episode of Vikings!  My recaps follows (sorry it is so short this week, I have had a looonnnggg week).....

Glossary: GICD=Global internet connectivity device.

Act 1 - Who will mourn the dead?:

Watching the families await the warriors return to see if their loved one died.  Very nicely done.  I felt bad for the people in FH's village; the little boy at the end was probably the son of the viking who died with his eyes open.  We then cut to Laggy's village to see the wounded and her going to see BBA in the tent.  She asks him if he is a "switch-hitter" (but I don't think he caught the reference), and then she mentions that her Gods encourage loving the flesh (cannot get more obvious than that), and he finally catches on.  You can see he is becoming memorized by her more and more every minute.

Glossary: FH (king Harald fine hair), Laggy (Largertha), BBA (Bishop bad actor).

Act 2 - Picnic table chillin:

Not too much going on in this act; ITB chillin, FH stressing, and BB coming out of the blue with the whole Rollo thing.  Bottom line; FH still counts on ItB's input for all the strategy.

Glossary: ItB (Ivar), FH (see above), BB (boy band aka Hvitserk).

Act 3 - Mr Mojo Rising:

We cut to Flokiland and get to see a baby goat in an elevator, Edge talking with Floks about Bitcher Bitchersson, and that is about it.  It is not along act, but sets us up for more later.

Glossary: Flokiland (Iceland), Floks (Floki), Bitcher Bitchersson (Davin (sp) aka the guy trying to undermine Floki's every turn).

Act 4 - FH & SK; A soap opera:

It was kind of like a soap opera with them both talking serious about life and being happy.  Being honest though; I really liked this very short act.  I am growing more and more fond of FH, and a little (and I do mean little) more tolerable of SH.

Glossary:  FH (see above), SH (skank hair aka Astrid).

Act 5 - Iceland's first Asatru temple?:

Dog boy continues to be like his daddy and provoke the others.  The dads step up to sling their axs and FFW steps in again to save the day.  Floks watches in silence.

Glossary: Dog Boy (Bitcher Bitchersson's son), FFW (Floki's future wife).

Act 6 - Oh when the Francs come marching in, oh when the Francs come marching in:

I have never heard in my life of so many French people running towards battle! LOL We are all bummed that Rollo didn't show up (maybe he is not contracted for this season)?   ItB says they "may" spare Bjorn, with a twinkle in his eye...

Glossary: ItB (see above).

Act 7 - mmm mmm good, mmm mmm good, a bowl of steaming goats blood, mmm mmm good:

We get to see the blessing of Tor's (Thor's) temple.  The blood soup makes me hungry, but before I can say yummy, the jerk hole; Dog boy wastes it all on another act of "stirring up the shit".  Floki almost loses his cool, but his new "cool hand Floki" attitude prevails.

Act 8 - pimpin' like Ivar:

BBA gets to do the pimp crawl like Ivar.  He is hot for Laggy and she knows it.  I love the line (after he blah blah blahs with her), when she says; "You really want to sin again"?  You can tell that he is falling for her hard!  He has "known her his whole life", which I think means "widows like her", but I really thinks she is different in his eyes.  Not a crying, whining widow; but a strong sexy widow...and he wants her very badly!  The lights go out and the magic happens.

Glossary: BBA (see above), Laggy (see above).

Act 9 - Torvi's new BAE & the worst baby sitter ever!!!:

We get some more smooching action with Bug Eyes and Ub's.  Then we see "M" be one of the most cruel baby sitters ever.  Golly I hate this chick!  Good writing in my opinion, that one character can stay hate worthy for so long LOL.

Glossary: Bug eyes (Torvi), Ubs (Ubbe), "M" (that evil chick).

Act 10 - Bjorn dumbfounded about Rollo's support:

Really slow act.  Bjorn pleads again not to fight; Ivar stands up to him/tries to kill (or capture) him, Fine hair steps in; "not our way"!  I did have to yawn during this scene.

Act 11 - Bee-strong my king, Bee-quiet my king, Bee-dead my king:

The mentioning of the stinging and wasps was a clue to what was coming.  The king swats a little honey bee and it's little stinger turns his face into a marsh mellow man. I did enjoy the death scene and his last words.  I just don't know how he lived long enough to say all that if he was going into anaphylactic shock (my own life experiences show that people die about 10-15 minutes after an insect bite if severely allergic).  Glad he just talked to his boys and not his wife really.  Truly he couldn't stand her.

Glossary: The King (ol' dead what's his name).

Act 12 - My dad wanted to be a Farmer, part 17:

I am sick of hearing about Ragnar wanting to be a farmer.  He showed as much love for raiding, killing, and cheating on his wife; that I am beginning to doubt his love for kicking around cow pies.

Act 13 - Like father like son:

Aethelred is just like his father was.  Bending to the will of his mother is just as bad as his dad being told to love his adopted bastard son by his father in law.  I have no love for this kid.  He is weak in spirit and in deeds.  Alfred looks like a wimp; but we know he will be 'great' in the long run.  I for one am glad we get to skip the boring rule of "Aethelred the mommy whipped".  The bribed christian what ever his is, is just as bad.

Act 14 - Crowning of girly boy:

Aethelred the mommy whipped gives up the crown for his bastard bro.  The only good thing about this story line is we might get to see Alfred step and be a man when he guts his jellyfish brother who wouldn't stand up to his "scarlet lettered" mother.

Act 15 - Saving the best for last:

Easily my favorite act.  It  jumps from one scene to another with a poetic flow that overwhelms the soul.....

  • Alfred walks, the choir boys sing.
  • BBA walking like a man now, has a look like; "You know it!  I tapped that ass last night"!
  • Iceland, the temple burns.
  • Alfred close up; so much make up and duck lips you know he would be a star in a Turkish prison!
  • Floki's shock while Thor's idol burns.
  • Alfred's evil mommy has a smirk from hell (and then the Viking music starts in the background which is awesome).
  • BBA continues to strut!
  • Thor falls...Floki drops to his knees....
  • BBA drops to his knees in front of Laggy....
  • Alfred drops to his knees for a crown..... (all the simultaneous knee dropping was perfect, and not missed by the watchful viewer).
  • Shock or Awe is on the face of Floki, Alfred, and BBA in turn.
  • BBA pledges his life to Laggy after a night of "Reverse Norse-girl" took care of his 'sins'.
  • Long live the king!
  • Bee is still kicking (someone got a swatter)?
  • Aethelred's hateful glare.
  • I can't remember if I cried when I read about when dog boy died (sung to the tune of American Pie)...and a mother cries out to the night.
  • While the mother's wail carries into the close we see a sceptre given to a new king; a sword returned to a warrior, and pain given to a faithful follower of the Gods...

Can't wait until next week!!!!!!!

In closing, here are some final thoughts in regards to things already brought up on the forum:

Bishop to weak to dilly dally (probably got the same treatment Fair Hair got and didn't have to move much).

Wood in Iceland? There is some; drift wood is also plentiful.

Laggy's age.  Who give a hoot!

Woman now days have "good nutrition"?  LMAO  Big Macs, and fast foods!  A ton of chemicals in all our foods!  I could go on and on....The raw stingray I ate in the Amazon was healthier than anything we buy in the stores today.  I will have to humbly disagree with my forum BFF "Greeny" on just this one occassion....wink!

See ya'll next week CVFs!! (crazy viking fans).  I am a stay at home this week...will sail to Iceland in 2 weeks and tell you all about it! :)

Why do you not have more likes? 

I laugh every week. I come back just to read your plot synopsis. 

Edited by whoknowswho
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Damn, wasn't expecting Aethelwulf to go out like that.  A bee sting?  Kind of anti-climactic, but I guess it that day and age, it was more then possible that someone could go out if they were allergic to that.  I will miss Moe Dunford since he was always good, even when the material didn't back him.  But now we have King Alfred already, because Aethelred turns the crown down because Judith didn't want him to have it.  Not sure why he relented at the end.  Was he just worried she'd find some way to still take him out?  I wouldn't put it past her, but I wish they had a scene or two to show his thought process.  Granted, I only just learned the character's name tonight, so it's obvious he's not exactly been that significant.

So, Team Ivar's grand plan is to get the French involved, since Hvitserk somehow convinced Rollo to send troops.  That might be the most far-fetched thing about this.  No, not the whole why would Rollo side with Ivar over Lagertha/Bjorn, but that Hvitserk would be the one to convince him.  If anyone would have bungled that negotiation, it would be him.  Sadly there was no sighting of him, because I'm assuming Clive Standen is too busy with Taken now.

Heahmund pledges loyalty to Lagertha after a hook-up.  Yeah, that actually tracks!

Floki's paradise is clearly crumbling before him.  Hope Viking Edge doesn't end up as a casualty!

Really hope Ubbe ends up being wrong about either him or Torvi dying.  I like both of them.  Meanwhile, Margrethe is the worst.

Definitely the weakest episode of the season, but I've still been enjoying the show overall, and even think they've done a good job with fleshing out some of the characters I didn't have much interest in before like Halfdan, Harald, and Ubbe.  I do think the issue is that Hirst is still struggling with filling the hole Ragnar's exit has left and it's making the show more spotty and directionless (and maybe relying too much on Jonathan Rhys Meyers since he's the closet to a "name actor"), but I won't give up on it.

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I'm fully expecting Rollo's men to switch sides when the battle starts, because the alternative is ludicrous given his past with Bjorn and Lagertha, and the fact that he barely knows the other children.

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So many thinkie thoughts.  I will have to write more later but I found this soapy episode true to form.  While I agree with some of the questions about magical timing (Rollo came through fast with those troops), I felt it was all well accounted for (or taken for granted in a way that didn't bother me.  The soldiers were asked for and they arrived.  Done deal.  I don't need to see negotiations and trips to France and all that.  They talk about asking for them, they arrive, and the meeting is spoken of in the past tense.  That makes narrative sense to me.)  

I liked the bee sting because it address the tragic arbitrariness of life and death (even Kings are felled by tiny insects) in that age.  

This is now an ensemble cast -- not a single or double character driven show -- and I don't mind the way they've adapted.  I still really love the show.

ohwell, I'm in the corner with you!

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4 hours ago, whoknowswho said:

Why do you not have more likes? 

I laugh every week. I come back just to read your plot synopsis. 

SotN Fans (judging by the size of my in-box this morning), are much more into sending me private messages for some reason (which I don't mind).

My only regret is that I cannot grant every photo request or even the 3 "seeding" requests that I have received in the last few hours.  Lastly, to answer one fans heart felt request to; "Please! Send me the snake skin loin cloth you wore in the Amazon"!  .... Alas, I cannot.  When I arrived in Manaus I actually cut up strips of the skin to use as currency to pay for my luxury hotel and first warm meal I had in days (last I heard those strips are now up for auction at the local auction house).

Thank you though for your weekly visit; you should change your handle to "Sheknowswho" wink wink! :)

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