Jump to content
Forums forums
PRIMETIMER
SilverStormm

Small Talk: Take A Break From Shop(ping) Talk

Recommended Posts

I'm a hypochondriac so I think I've got everything under the sun.  

I try to listen to relaxation videos on YouTube but so far have not been successful with this as you all can probably figure out, lol.

Didn't go to Publix today.   Lying on the couch feeling really down in the dumps mainly due to all the surreal, unconscionable national s---t going on around us.  It is severely depressing.  

But am running low on toilet paper so I better get out the door first thing tomorrow morning.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post

@letusprocrastinate, thank you for the input.

I usually keep ginger ale, Coca-Cola (regular, not sugar-free for both sodas), plus saltines on hand for digestive unpleasantness.  Also plain seltzer and lemonade.  I've also got canned chicken broth.  Is this enough or am I missing other things? 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
22 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

@letusprocrastinate, thank you for the input.

I usually keep ginger ale, Coca-Cola (regular, not sugar-free for both sodas), plus saltines on hand for digestive unpleasantness.  Also plain seltzer and lemonade.  I've also got canned chicken broth.  Is this enough or am I missing other things? 

Electrolytes, because if the unpleasantness leads to the possibility of dehydration you'll need vitamin replenishment in addition to liquids in general (things like potassium and the B vitamins).  You can get bottled products like Gatorade, Powerade, and Pedialyte (and even adult Pedialyte), and you can also find store brands that can be cheaper.  They come in packet form too, and you just mix with water.  As well, there are products that you can buy online or in vitamin stores that are concentrated liquid drops you add to water and contain the same ingredients, but have a longer shelf life (may not taste fantastic, but more compact, less plastic, and does the job).  If you do get unpleasantness that leads to time in the bathroom don't drink the Coke because of the dehydrating effect of the caffeine.

And since you mentioned TP if you've got the space to store it, buy TP in bulk if you don't already.  Who cares if you've got 48 double rolls of the stuff sitting around because you got it on sale.  It doesn't go bad and you'll use it eventually. 

Edited by letusprocrastinate
  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
24 minutes ago, letusprocrastinate said:

Electrolytes, because if the unpleasantness leads to the possibility of dehydration you'll need vitamin replenishment in addition to liquids in general (things like potassium and the B vitamins).  You can get bottled products like Gatorade, Powerade, and Pedialyte (and even adult Pedialyte), and you can also find store brands that can be cheaper.  They come in packet form too, and you just mix with water.  As well, there are products that you can buy online or in vitamin stores that are concentrated liquid drops you add to water and contain the same ingredients, but have a longer shelf life (may not taste fantastic, but more compact, less plastic, and does the job).  If you do get unpleasantness that leads to time in the bathroom don't drink the Coke because of the dehydrating effect of the caffeine.

And since you mentioned TP if you've got the space to store it, buy TP in bulk if you don't already.  Who cares if you've got 48 double rolls of the stuff sitting around because you got it on sale.  It doesn't go bad and you'll use it eventually. 

Wouldn't the lemonade have the essential electrolytes?  I can't stand the taste of Gaterade, Powerade and just the thought of Pedialyte makes me nauseous, lol.  

I've got the Coke mainly because I read it helps with constipation which I also suffer from during times of stress.

I've got small closet space so I've never been able to really do a satisfying TP haul but will definitely try to stock up tomorrow and find a way to stash it all.  Because YES, one can never have too much toilet paper! 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
47 minutes ago, Bronx Babe said:

Wouldn't the lemonade have the essential electrolytes?  I can't stand the taste of Gaterade, Powerade and just the thought of Pedialyte makes me nauseous, lol.  

I've got the Coke mainly because I read it helps with constipation which I also suffer from during times of stress.

I've got small closet space so I've never been able to really do a satisfying TP haul but will definitely try to stock up tomorrow and find a way to stash it all.  Because YES, one can never have too much toilet paper! 

I agree with your toilet paper statement!  I start to panic when I get down to my last 12-pack of Mega rolls, and will make a special trip to pick up more for my one-person household.  I grew up in a family of 6 and I swear my mother never bought more than one roll at a time and we were ALWAYS out of TP.  Thankfully, or not, we got two newspapers delivered daily so, there you go,  nuff said!  I think maybe since we lived in the sticks she liked to have something she needed to go into town for, just to go somewhere.  But the result for me is the lifelong tendency to hoard toilet paper.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, Bronx Babe said:

Wouldn't the lemonade have the essential electrolytes?  I can't stand the taste of Gaterade, Powerade and just the thought of Pedialyte makes me nauseous, lol.  

I've got the Coke mainly because I read it helps with constipation which I also suffer from during times of stress.

I've got small closet space so I've never been able to really do a satisfying TP haul but will definitely try to stock up tomorrow and find a way to stash it all.  Because YES, one can never have too much toilet paper! 

Look for the drops you can put into other beverages so you can mask the taste.  They're usually sold online primarily to deal with overimbibing but they'll do the same job for any form of dehydration.

BTW, there's no law that says you can't keep TP stored in the trunk of your car (provided you have one).

 

34 minutes ago, Friday said:

I agree with your toilet paper statement!  I start to panic when I get down to my last 12-pack of Mega rolls, and will make a special trip to pick up more for my one-person household.  I grew up in a family of 6 and I swear my mother never bought more than one roll at a time and we were ALWAYS out of TP.  Thankfully, or not, we got two newspapers delivered daily so, there you go,  nuff said!  I think maybe since we lived in the sticks she liked to have something she needed to go into town for, just to go somewhere.  But the result for me is the lifelong tendency to hoard toilet paper.

Visit this section of previouslytv for the snark, join Team Never Enough TP for no extra charge.

Edited by letusprocrastinate
  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post

I use something like this for spare TP rolls. I stick it in the corner between the shower and the toilet. The one I have is only made for 4 rolls but I make it work with 6. Buying mega rolls, (which I'm sure are the size rolls were in 1975) helps.

image.png.a87984f92f6d5eb3393954147b803901.png

I'd really like one of these, like in a public restroom.

image.png.28669be480f01d924876cb6dab275751.png

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
2 hours ago, Friday said:

I agree with your toilet paper statement!  I start to panic when I get down to my last 12-pack of Mega rolls, and will make a special trip to pick up more for my one-person household.  I grew up in a family of 6 and I swear my mother never bought more than one roll at a time and we were ALWAYS out of TP.  Thankfully, or not, we got two newspapers delivered daily so, there you go,  nuff said!  I think maybe since we lived in the sticks she liked to have something she needed to go into town for, just to go somewhere.  But the result for me is the lifelong tendency to hoard toilet paper.

you can get a case delivered by the big A, just saying don't need to leave your house,

  • Like 10

Share this post


Link to post

Ginger ale and saltines, my go-to remedy for digestive problems. I always keep some around

Edited by Coffeecup
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
3 hours ago, hummingbird said:

you can get a case delivered by the big A, just saying don't need to leave your house,

Or the less-big W in 2 days if you hit the $35 minimum, or in my case Safeway when they have a sale.  In the case of the latter (grocery store delivery) it can be handy for the bulky stuff to be delivered right to your door in spite of the delivery charges.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post

Just trying to help you out -- I understand getting the tp delivered is a great help but where to store if you say you limited with storage............ 

I have plenty storage (so yes we buy the mega bundles thank you costco) and have more than enough places to store- but here are some ideas that may or may not work for you with less storage-

linen closet

under bed

under couch (if skirted. if not skirted, shove in the back. ) don't tell anyone. shh.

in the dryer.

just some ideas for you. growing up in a nyc apartment, one had to be very creative. My mom (rip) used to store extra crackers and cookies in the oven. We used the oven  and just made sure to remove the stuff before cooking. (ha most of the time........but then we usually caught it in the first few minutes of smelling toast. all was good).

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
On 1/20/2019 at 9:07 PM, Bronx Babe said:

I'm driving myself to a state of high anxiety by becoming suddenly fixated on salmonella and all forms of food poisoning.  So many recalls over the years and now, even more so.

Even cold cereals aren't safe.

I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow and am terrified.  Now I'm afraid to purchase Kellogg's Special K cereal, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Honey Nut Cheerios, and Grape-Nuts, all my favorites.  Also cottage cheese, trail mix, yogurt, eclairs (the cream filling), protein bars, hell just about EVERYTHING.

How do I calm down about all this?  

I can attest to the efficacy of Xanax.😁

Oh, BB, 🌟Sparkle Niece🌟 watched "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" after school today and she was all like "what the heck???" about the brides and their kidnapping. Really incensed about it. Times have surely changed....

Next up on her viewing list is "West Side Story". ✈🦈

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 4:05 PM, Friday said:

I agree with your toilet paper statement!  I start to panic when I get down to my last 12-pack of Mega rolls, and will make a special trip to pick up more for my one-person household.  I grew up in a family of 6 and I swear my mother never bought more than one roll at a time and we were ALWAYS out of TP.  Thankfully, or not, we got two newspapers delivered daily so, there you go,  nuff said!  I think maybe since we lived in the sticks she liked to have something she needed to go into town for, just to go somewhere.  But the result for me is the lifelong tendency to hoard toilet paper.

Despite my limited storage space I'm going to remember those newspapers and start hoarding the TP, lol.

On ‎1‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 9:48 AM, mayvenne said:

Just trying to help you out -- I understand getting the tp delivered is a great help but where to store if you say you limited with storage............ 

I have plenty storage (so yes we buy the mega bundles thank you costco) and have more than enough places to store- but here are some ideas that may or may not work for you with less storage-

linen closet

under bed

under couch (if skirted. if not skirted, shove in the back. ) don't tell anyone. shh.

in the dryer.

just some ideas for you. growing up in a nyc apartment, one had to be very creative. My mom (rip) used to store extra crackers and cookies in the oven. We used the oven  and just made sure to remove the stuff before cooking. (ha most of the time........but then we usually caught it in the first few minutes of smelling toast. all was good).

Thanks, @mayvenne  I did go shopping yesterday and stocked up.  Under the bed sounds like a good idea for my TP haul. 

On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 10:00 PM, Coffeecup said:

Ginger ale and saltines, my go-to remedy for digestive problems. I always keep some around

And jam for some pectin with the crackers. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 6:50 PM, hummingbird said:

you can get a case delivered by the big A, just saying don't need to leave your house,

This is good to know!  Thanks.

On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 4:34 PM, letusprocrastinate said:

Look for the drops you can put into other beverages so you can mask the taste.  They're usually sold online primarily to deal with overimbibing but they'll do the same job for any form of dehydration.

BTW, there's no law that says you can't keep TP stored in the trunk of your car (provided you have one).

 

 

I think I'll stick with the lemonade!

No car, I schlep around on a bus which thankfully stops right in front of Publix and other necessary venues.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
13 hours ago, DownTheShore said:

I can attest to the efficacy of Xanax.😁

Oh, BB, 🌟Sparkle Niece🌟 watched "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" after school today and she was all like "what the heck???" about the brides and their kidnapping. Really incensed about it. Times have surely changed....

Next up on her viewing list is "West Side Story". ✈🦈

I had a doctor who wanted to put me on anti-anxiety medication but I refused.  Yet if it works for you I'm happy!  (I also don't want to deal with any side effects)

Your Sparkle and Builder are truly part of this new generation.  Yes, times have changed, and let's hope it's for the better.

I'm very interested to hear your niece's reaction to WSS.  Will she be charmed by the modern reconfiguration of Romeo and Juliet or grumble about the casting of Natalie Wood? 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

My blood pressure has lowered considerably now that I have my spare rolls of Angel Soft, lol.

Ahh, the peace of mind!

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
On 1/21/2019 at 2:08 PM, Bronx Babe said:

I'm a hypochondriac so I think I've got everything under the sun.  

I try to listen to relaxation videos on YouTube but so far have not been successful with this as you all can probably figure out, lol.

Didn't go to Publix today.   Lying on the couch feeling really down in the dumps mainly due to all the surreal, unconscionable national s---t going on around us.  It is severely depressing.  

But am running low on toilet paper so I better get out the door first thing tomorrow morning.

I'm one too :( Hypochondriacs unite! I was on Klonopin for a while but it didn't really do much. I hope you're feeling better now and got through the worst of it!

****

Semi-related made a major life decision:

I was always undecided about having kids. My husband always wanted them (whether he realizes how much work it entails is a different story) and even if he never got married he would want to get a surrogate or adopt.

I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional home and now I have PTSD and OCD. I thought it would get better by the time I was around 30 or so and I would be a fully functional adult, but now I'm 27 and it hasn't really happened yet. Additionally I have only gotten more terrified of pregnancy and parenting over time after doing more research on it. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm afraid of dying in pregnancy or childbirth. I'm also at high risk of post-partum depression (my mom had it and I already know that hormonal changes affect my mood a lot).

Because of the violence in my home growing up I especially have a huge fear of my kids being physically violent towards me, like if they had a medical condition that made them violent or something. I also have a fear that I will be a bad parent and possibly even abusive like my mom was (it's something a lot of people who grew up in an abusive household worry about). I have a fear of having really bad post-partum depression or psychosis and hurting my child while not in my right mind. Perhaps these are irrational fears based in low self-esteem but for me they are a huge source of anxiety when I think about the future.

And more importantly I don't really feel the "maternal instinct" like I HAVE to have kids or life will be meaningless. My life is fine the way it is. I felt like a piece was missing before I started dating my husband, but I don't feel like a piece is missing because I don't have kids. I have been very open with my husband about these things and the possibility that I might not be able to have kids or be a parent, and we have discussed it many times.

Today I finally decided once and for all, it's never going to happen. 90% of my reason for potentially wanting kids was because he wanted it and I didn't want to give up our relationship, and the other 10% was some kind of FOMO due to society talking about how amazing motherhood is. But those aren't good reasons for bringing a life into the world and making a major life-altering decision. Especially if you aren't sure whether you would be physically able to cope with the demands of motherhood plus a career plus maintaining your own life.

I don't want to have kids and then realize it was a huge mistake. And I definitely don't want to become my parents 2.0. My mom was very open about the fact that she regretted having us and thought that we ruined her life by existing. I never want to put that burden on an innocent child. My dad wanted to have kids in some respects but he wasn't there for us as a dad at many points during our childhood. When my parents got divorced neither of them wanted custody. I doubt that they would have chosen to have kids if they knew how it would be.

I told my husband about it and he was actually supportive. He was already planning for the possibility of surrogacy or adoption so he doesn't have a problem with that part of it. It is unclear what our relationship will look like going forward. Neither of us has any interest in breaking up or ever being with anyone else, but if we did stay together it would have to be unconventional in a way. I told him I don't have a problem with doing other stuff to help out like cooking, cleaning, errands (stuff which I do already), occasional babysitting, even helping out financially. But I don't want the full-time responsibility or legal ties of having a child or to have to handle major parenting decisions or discipline. Which means we will have to legally get divorced in all likelihood. We don't know if we will still live together -- there would be benefits to living together like saving money so he could live in a better school district, and as aforementioned, me being able to help him out with things, but I wouldn't want to cause confusion to his kids either. We're not really sure what it will look like.

Overall though, the main thing I feel is huge relief. The thought of having to give birth to and raise kids was a major stress on me and I didn't realize how much stress it was causing me. Deciding that I don't have to makes me feel like I have a whole new lease on life. Before I felt like I only had a few years left to live my own life before it became the property of someone else. I hope that my husband and I can still have a relationship but now that I walked through the "child-free" doorway, I don't think I could ever go back.

Who knew adulthood would be this complicated....

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post

Stick with your decision, BuyMoreAndSave. Your reasons for remaining childless are well thought out and rational. If there is a divorce, your ex can always find someone who wants children, and you can find someone whose views align with yours. You are young; time is on your side.

Many years ago I broke up with a man over children. I didn't want any more (had one from a previous marriage), and he assured me that he didn't want any. But as our wedding plans grew more definite, he started saying shit like "I want to have two children before I'm 30." I was like, excuse me? Have you been listening to me at all?

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post

@BuyMoreAndSave, your decision sounds right for you.  Many complications based on your life experiences.  As @Coffeecup said, "well thought out and rational."  Parenthood is not for everyone.

I was raised in a very functional, loving environment.  I still experienced some depression or post-partum depression after our second son was born, prematurely (11 weeks).  I was fine until he started getting better at home (after multiple hospitalizations) and I wasn't on "alert" all the time.   I finally sought some help -- didn't worry about hurting my children, but worried that I was neglecting them and wasn't "in the moment" with them.  It happens.  Then I got better.  But I understand.

It is good that you  are aware of your life experiences and how that has impacted you.

Edited by Thumper
  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post

I'm glad that your decision has lifted a burden from you, BuyMore. Your rationale is based on your life experiences; you know what is best for you.

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post

@BuyMoreAndSave, good for you being brave enough to make that decision and speaking your truth. You know what is right for you. The relief you feel shows it's the right choice for you. My son's girlfriend is 18 and absolutely does not want children either. She was in foster care and then adopted by a horrible woman who had other foster kids and the girlfriend wound up taking care of the babies while this woman cashed the checks. I told her she was like Oprah. 

I had shitty parents too. My mother resented us too. She only sort of liked my brother because getting knocked up him was the only reason my dad married her. Had they divorced, as they should have, neither one would have wanted any of us either.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, Coffeecup said:

Stick with your decision, BuyMoreAndSave. Your reasons for remaining childless are well thought out and rational. If there is a divorce, your ex can always find someone who wants children, and you can find someone whose views align with yours. You are young; time is on your side.

Many years ago I broke up with a man over children. I didn't want any more (had one from a previous marriage), and he assured me that he didn't want any. But as our wedding plans grew more definite, he started saying shit like "I want to have two children before I'm 30." I was like, excuse me? Have you been listening to me at all?

 

1 hour ago, Thumper said:

@BuyMoreAndSave, your decision sounds right for you.  Many complications based on your life experiences.  As @Coffeecup said, "well thought out and rational."  Parenthood is not for everyone.

I was raised in a very functional, loving environment.  I still experienced some depression or post-partum depression after our second son was born, prematurely (11 weeks).  I was fine until he started getting better at home (after multiple hospitalizations) and I wasn't on "alert" all the time.   I finally sought some help -- didn't worry about hurting my children, but worried that I was neglecting them and wasn't "in the moment" with them.  It happens.  Then I got better.  But I understand.

It is good that you  are aware of your life experiences and how that has impacted you.

 

1 hour ago, DownTheShore said:

I'm glad that your decision has lifted a burden from you, BuyMore. Your rationale is based on your life experiences; you know what is best for you.

 

Just now, LeeDenny said:

@BuyMoreAndSave, good for you being brave enough to make that decision and speaking your truth. You know what is right for you. The relief you feel shows it's the right choice for you. My son's girlfriend is 18 and absolutely does not want children either. She was in foster care and then adopted by a horrible woman who had other foster kids and the girlfriend wound up taking care of the babies while this woman cashed the checks. I told her she was like Oprah. 

I had shitty parents too. My mother resented us too. She only sort of liked my brother because getting knocked up him was the only reason my dad married her. Had they divorced, as they should have, neither one would have wanted any of us either.

Thanks you guys! You guys are the best. And you always have really good advice. This is really the best forum I have ever been a part of.

We discussed it more and so far we are planning to stay together and live together at least for the foreseeable future. He's 10 years older than me and before we got together, he already planned for the possibility that he wouldn't find the right person to marry and would have kids by adoption or surrogacy and be a single dad. He completely understands my reasons for not wanting to be pregnant especially because he has seen how bad my anxiety can get and how harmful it is to my functioning. He can work from home with his career field and he plans to do so during the early childhood years. He is also willing to give up some of his many hobbies and go out less. I still feel kind of guilty about it though, like I failed and like I ruined his chance to be with someone who wants kids.

I don't hate kids or anything like that, I just don't know that I would be able to handle the responsibility and life derailment of being a full-time parental caretaker especially if I was working full-time. But I would contribute what I can to the household. He does really want me to get a full-time job and start my career (my stupid mental problems derailed that for a few years, now I'm working part-time as an app developer on a contract and studying). I agree that I have to do that ASAP and now that I don't have to worry about the timescale of having kids I feel like my career is a lot more open.

I haven't found much on couples with differing opinions on kids that stay together in a nontraditional way. Generally it seems like they either break up or one person gives up their dream for the other. Our household is already nontraditional because my MIL lives with us and most likely will for the rest of her life (plus we have a parrot, which is a nontraditional pet), and it's possible if we buy a house that my brother and/or dad might end up living with us at some point. I actually don't think it's good for most peoples' well-being to live alone. Basically I would be fine with being in the role of "family member who helps out but is not the legal guardian" sort of like the traditional role of a live-in grandparent or aunt or something. But since my husband and I would be a couple I don't know if that would be confusing to the kids and make them feel abandoned or something? I did some reading on nontraditional families, like kids born to polyamorous families, and it seems like as long as the kids are loved and raised well they turn out fine. In most of human history extended families all helped out with raising kids and the nuclear family wasn't a thing. I think the stress of the nuclear family where one or two parents have to deal with everything has contributed to a lot of societal issues.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
17 hours ago, BuyMoreAndSave said:

I'm one too :( Hypochondriacs unite! I was on Klonopin for a while but it didn't really do much. I hope you're feeling better now and got through the worst of it!

****

Semi-related made a major life decision:

I was always undecided about having kids. My husband always wanted them (whether he realizes how much work it entails is a different story) and even if he never got married he would want to get a surrogate or adopt.

I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional home and now I have PTSD and OCD. I thought it would get better by the time I was around 30 or so and I would be a fully functional adult, but now I'm 27 and it hasn't really happened yet. Additionally I have only gotten more terrified of pregnancy and parenting over time after doing more research on it. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm afraid of dying in pregnancy or childbirth. I'm also at high risk of post-partum depression (my mom had it and I already know that hormonal changes affect my mood a lot).

Because of the violence in my home growing up I especially have a huge fear of my kids being physically violent towards me, like if they had a medical condition that made them violent or something. I also have a fear that I will be a bad parent and possibly even abusive like my mom was (it's something a lot of people who grew up in an abusive household worry about). I have a fear of having really bad post-partum depression or psychosis and hurting my child while not in my right mind. Perhaps these are irrational fears based in low self-esteem but for me they are a huge source of anxiety when I think about the future.

And more importantly I don't really feel the "maternal instinct" like I HAVE to have kids or life will be meaningless. My life is fine the way it is. I felt like a piece was missing before I started dating my husband, but I don't feel like a piece is missing because I don't have kids. I have been very open with my husband about these things and the possibility that I might not be able to have kids or be a parent, and we have discussed it many times.

Today I finally decided once and for all, it's never going to happen. 90% of my reason for potentially wanting kids was because he wanted it and I didn't want to give up our relationship, and the other 10% was some kind of FOMO due to society talking about how amazing motherhood is. But those aren't good reasons for bringing a life into the world and making a major life-altering decision. Especially if you aren't sure whether you would be physically able to cope with the demands of motherhood plus a career plus maintaining your own life.

I don't want to have kids and then realize it was a huge mistake. And I definitely don't want to become my parents 2.0. My mom was very open about the fact that she regretted having us and thought that we ruined her life by existing. I never want to put that burden on an innocent child. My dad wanted to have kids in some respects but he wasn't there for us as a dad at many points during our childhood. When my parents got divorced neither of them wanted custody. I doubt that they would have chosen to have kids if they knew how it would be.

I told my husband about it and he was actually supportive. He was already planning for the possibility of surrogacy or adoption so he doesn't have a problem with that part of it. It is unclear what our relationship will look like going forward. Neither of us has any interest in breaking up or ever being with anyone else, but if we did stay together it would have to be unconventional in a way. I told him I don't have a problem with doing other stuff to help out like cooking, cleaning, errands (stuff which I do already), occasional babysitting, even helping out financially. But I don't want the full-time responsibility or legal ties of having a child or to have to handle major parenting decisions or discipline. Which means we will have to legally get divorced in all likelihood. We don't know if we will still live together -- there would be benefits to living together like saving money so he could live in a better school district, and as aforementioned, me being able to help him out with things, but I wouldn't want to cause confusion to his kids either. We're not really sure what it will look like.

Overall though, the main thing I feel is huge relief. The thought of having to give birth to and raise kids was a major stress on me and I didn't realize how much stress it was causing me. Deciding that I don't have to makes me feel like I have a whole new lease on life. Before I felt like I only had a few years left to live my own life before it became the property of someone else. I hope that my husband and I can still have a relationship but now that I walked through the "child-free" doorway, I don't think I could ever go back.

Who knew adulthood would be this complicated....

Thanks so much, @BuyMoreAndSave -- you are a sweetheart.

I am so sorry to hear of your very difficult upbringing -- the helplessness of it all but you are definitely a survivor -- strong and self-aware.   My own opinion is that having children is not the end and be-all of a woman.   No one needs to feel pressured by society or loved ones to think that motherhood is somehow a necessary "life stage" they "should/must" go through.

Edited by Bronx Babe
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post

You guys may remember my best friend who I've had problems in the past re: communication.  We've known each other here in Florida for over 10 years.

Then she had a stroke this past summer.

I've given her space because she is a proud woman who distains weakness in herself and others so we haven't had a lot of exchanges because I know my friend only wants to be seen and heard at her "best".  The last time I heard from her was before Thanksgiving, where she was warm and appreciative of my concerns.

This morning I decided to take a chance and call to find out if everything was o.k.   My friend said she was very busy with physical therapy and wasn't speaking to anyone.  Her voice was cold and distant.  She said "I'm still alive, that's all you need to know" and then said if I wanted to get in touch I could go to her Facebook page, but she's not social media savvy and hasn't logged on there in over a year.  I mumbled "Sorry to have bothered you" and we both ended the conversation.  

I've read that some people experience personality changes when they go through this particular health challenge.  

With the life changes I've gone through these two years -- job loss, my mother's death, financial instability, you'd think I'd be hardened to all this.   It still hurts.  I don't want it to.

Am I being needy, immature, and not really sensitive to her needs?

Edited by Bronx Babe
  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post

@Bronx Babe I can tell you when I was recovering from my ankle surgery, I did not want to talk to anyone and I was very annoyed when people were trying to call me etc. It's not that I wasn't appreciative, but I'm an introvert and it sapped all my energy just going to the doctor and to PT. I didn't mean to be rude to people but I'm afraid I was.  Don't take your friend's response personally. Maybe her recovery isn't going as well as she hoped and she's incredibly frustrated and learning how to cope with her new reality. She could probably use some counseling along with PT. She knows you care and the next step is up to her.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
14 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

You guys may remember my best friend who I've had problems in the past re: communication.  We've known each other here in Florida for over 10 years.

Then she had a stroke this past summer.

I've given her space because she is a proud woman who distains weakness in herself and others so we haven't had a lot of exchanges because I know my friend only wants to be seen and heard at her "best".  The last time I heard from her was before Thanksgiving, where she was warm and appreciative of my concerns.

This morning I decided to take a chance and call to find out if everything was o.k.   My friend said she was very busy with physical therapy and wasn't speaking to anyone.  Her voice was cold and distant.  She said "I'm still alive, that's all you need to know" and then said if I wanted to get in touch I could go to her Facebook page, but she's not social media savvy and hasn't logged on there in over a year.  I mumbled "Sorry to have bothered you" and we both ended the conversation.  

I've read that some people experience personality changes when they go through this particular health challenge.  

With the life changes I've gone through these two years -- job loss, my mother's death, financial instability, you'd think I'd be hardened to all this.   It still hurts.  I don't want it to.

Am I being needy, immature, and not really sensitive to her needs?

I have to be honest, BB. From all you've told us about her over the past couple years, she does not seem to me to be a very nice person. Granted she's had issues, but it's not as if you were badgering her for attention, instead just showing the normal caring behavior when a friend goes MIA or has a health problem.

A truism is that as people age, they reveal more of their true nature. Cold people can no longer disguise coldness and meanness. Warm people just widen their arms. She may no longer be the same person you thought you knew.

  • Like 20

Share this post


Link to post
2 hours ago, DownTheShore said:

I have to be honest, BB. From all you've told us about her over the past couple years, she does not seem to me to be a very nice person. Granted she's had issues, but it's not as if you were badgering her for attention, instead just showing the normal caring behavior when a friend goes MIA or has a health problem.

A truism is that as people age, they reveal more of their true nature. Cold people can no longer disguise coldness and meanness. Warm people just widen their arms. She may no longer be the same person you thought you knew.

And this could be from the brain illness (stroke).  Brain injuries/illnesses can and will change people.  It may not result in personality makeovers, could be subtle nuances.  My m-i-l started speaking Italian, after not really having done so in decades.  My father's dimentia magnified his emotions, both the harsh and the sweet.  Brain injuries are like fingerprints.  

If you don't believe she is benefitting from your friendship, and it is causing you nothing but distress, it might be best to walk away with a hope that she will live out her life as well as possible.

  • Like 12

Share this post


Link to post

For what it's worth, @Bronx Babe, my take on friendship is fairly straightforward.  To have friendship, you yourself must provide friendship.  You've been that friend to this person and, for whatever reason, that friendship appears one-sided and, more importantly, makes you feel badly.  Life is too short to have to set yourself on fire in order to be recognized as having provided that friendship. 

  • Like 12

Share this post


Link to post

@Bronx Babe, I have to agree with what the last few posters have said. She was unkind to you before she had her stroke. Real friends don't treat their friends this way. You asked if you're being insensitive to her needs. She's the one who's being insensitive, and she's been that way for quite some time based on what you've told us here. Sometimes we just need to let go of people in our lives and maybe that time has come.

Edited by Booney
  • Like 16

Share this post


Link to post

@BRONX BABE, If I were you, I would be proud of myself for investing what you have in this person and caring enough about the relationship that it hurts when that investment is not reciprocated.  You've done good things on her behalf and have cared beyond what she apparently deserves.  That says a lot about your character.

  • Like 13

Share this post


Link to post
On 1/24/2019 at 12:36 PM, Bronx Babe said:

You guys may remember my best friend who I've had problems in the past re: communication.  We've known each other here in Florida for over 10 years.

Then she had a stroke this past summer.

I've given her space because she is a proud woman who distains weakness in herself and others so we haven't had a lot of exchanges because I know my friend only wants to be seen and heard at her "best".  The last time I heard from her was before Thanksgiving, where she was warm and appreciative of my concerns.

This morning I decided to take a chance and call to find out if everything was o.k.   My friend said she was very busy with physical therapy and wasn't speaking to anyone.  Her voice was cold and distant.  She said "I'm still alive, that's all you need to know" and then said if I wanted to get in touch I could go to her Facebook page, but she's not social media savvy and hasn't logged on there in over a year.  I mumbled "Sorry to have bothered you" and we both ended the conversation.  

I've read that some people experience personality changes when they go through this particular health challenge.  

With the life changes I've gone through these two years -- job loss, my mother's death, financial instability, you'd think I'd be hardened to all this.   It still hurts.  I don't want it to.

Am I being needy, immature, and not really sensitive to her needs?

 

I rarely post here nowadays but I had to respond.  

1. Delete her number from your phone.  

2. Try really, really hard to not think of her. Give yourself permission to move on (she has). Too bad about the health issue, but she was horrid to you before (probably many times). She "disdains weakness". Oh girl, there's your clue.  She probably hates herself then and you and Lord knows who else. Everyone is weak at one time or another.

3. Treat yourself well.  Eject miserable people from your life.  You want to be appreciated and you deserve respect. You tried with this one.  Deep-down you already know what you need to do, right?

Edited by PearlClutcher
  • Like 18

Share this post


Link to post
12 hours ago, PearlClutcher said:
12 hours ago, PearlClutcher said:

I rarely post here nowadays but I had to respond.  

1. Delete her number from your phone.  

2. Try really, really hard to not think of her. Give yourself permission to move on (she has). Too bad about the health issue, but she was horrid to you before (probably many times). She "disdains weakness". Oh girl, there's your clue.  She probably hates herself then and you and Lord knows who else. Everyone is weak at one time or another.

3. Treat yourself well.  Eject miserable people from your life.  You want to be appreciated and you deserve respect. You tried with this one.  Deep-down you already know what you need to do, right?

I rarely post here nowadays but I had to respond.  

1. Delete her number from your phone.  

2. Try really, really hard to not think of her. Give yourself permission to move on (she has). Too bad about the health issue, but she was horrid to you before (probably many times). She "disdains weakness". Oh girl, there's your clue.  She probably hates herself then and you and Lord knows who else. Everyone is weak at one time or another.

3. Treat yourself well.  Eject miserable people from your life.  You want to be appreciated and you deserve respect. You tried with this one.  Deep-down you already know what you need to do, right?

@PearlClutcher, I really appreciate the time and concern you took to jump in here on this particular situation.  Thank you.

This person and I have been through a lot since I moved down here.  We've seen each other through many crises of hers and mine -- family, health, etc.  She has always been a very straightforward and rather difficult personality -- treating everyone in the same rough, tough-love way, and everyone in her orbit has always accepted this because she basically lives to serve others, never herself.  I do appreciate and respect myself and I know deep down she does as well, even if it's not always apparent. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 8:40 AM, OneGuy said:

@BRONX BABE, If I were you, I would be proud of myself for investing what you have in this person and caring enough about the relationship that it hurts when that investment is not reciprocated.  You've done good things on her behalf and have cared beyond what she apparently deserves.  That says a lot about your character.

@OneGuy, you are very generous in your sentiments.  Thank you.  My friend has helped me beyond measure in many ways, always offering her care and protection unprompted.   She has never been the warm and fuzzy type which is unfortunate for me and others but I always knew I could depend on her when everyone else was flailing around in confusion.  She does have a fiercesome temper and obviously does not suffer fools.  I've been foolish quite a bit in my life and my friend has never hesitated to call it out.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 8:18 AM, Booney said:

@Bronx Babe, I have to agree with what the last few posters have said. She was unkind to you before she had her stroke. Real friends don't treat their friends this way. You asked if you're being insensitive to her needs. She's the one who's being insensitive, and she's been that way for quite some time based on what you've told us here. Sometimes we just need to let go of people in our lives and maybe that time has come.

@Booney, I know what you are saying -- my friend is more often than not thoughtless, tempestuous, overbearing, and just plain mean, lol, but (and please you and everyone, don't laugh) her heart is in the right place.  She has been the bulwark of her own family's life, taking over raising her triplet grandchildren when her daughter was overwhelmed with the situation.  She likes to tell other people how to live and what to do, with their best interests always in mind, never her own.  

I would have a very difficult time letting go right now -- it's difficult enough coming to terms with the loss of my mother, my job, my youth.  I wake up every morning with very little hope for a light at the end of my bleak tunnel.  I am in mourning for my childhood, my whole existence.  I want to start all over again and of course we can't.  I miss my Bronx home, I miss so many things.  I am a very nostalgic and immature individual.  I know change is essential -- it's part of life and I do welcome it in many instances.  I've never given myself credit for being able to adapt to it, though....

I'm rambling now so it's time to stop this post.

On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 7:15 AM, hummingbird said:

@Bronx Babe I would not spend anymore time on this "friend"  move on 

Good Sunday to you, @hummingbird.  

I do still regard her as a friend.  It would be difficult at this time to move on.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 6:46 AM, lovemesomejoolery said:

For what it's worth, @Bronx Babe, my take on friendship is fairly straightforward.  To have friendship, you yourself must provide friendship.  You've been that friend to this person and, for whatever reason, that friendship appears one-sided and, more importantly, makes you feel badly.  Life is too short to have to set yourself on fire in order to be recognized as having provided that friendship. 

@Thanks, @lovemesomejoolery.  I do know that, in the past, if I was, say, 20 minutes late calling her I would have hell to pay.  She has always demanded everyone's full attention but if anyone wants her help we have to accept it on her terms, in literally her own time frame.  I don't think it's a one-sided friendship, though.  It's just that my friend is fierce, a warrior, always willing to put herself out there for people she deems "worthy" of her.  She is street smart, coming from a relatively hardscrabble background.  I think deep-down she views me as more, for lack of a better word "upscale" -- (I know, UGH) She has often said I'm like a "Woody Allen New York intellectual".  Now if you're thinking that's some sort of a code phrase -- well, maybe, but not really in a negative unpleasant way.  My friend has always valued my opinion in certain things just as I value hers on others.  What she lacks in the social graces she makes up for in cold, hard reality, just the very thing I need to look facts in the face and be a grown-up.

Edited by Bronx Babe
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 6:30 AM, SuprSuprElevated said:

And this could be from the brain illness (stroke).  Brain injuries/illnesses can and will change people.  It may not result in personality makeovers, could be subtle nuances.  My m-i-l started speaking Italian, after not really having done so in decades.  My father's dimentia magnified his emotions, both the harsh and the sweet.  Brain injuries are like fingerprints.  

If you don't believe she is benefitting from your friendship, and it is causing you nothing but distress, it might be best to walk away with a hope that she will live out her life as well as possible.

Thanks, @SuprSuprElevated for this information.

My mother suffered from a mild dementia near the end but thank God always retained her poised, sweet nature.  I am so grateful for that.

With my friend, however, she has always been a rather crusty, blunt, somewhat eccentric individual so it's difficult to discern how much the stroke has changed her personality in any really noticeable way.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 4:03 AM, DownTheShore said:

I have to be honest, BB. From all you've told us about her over the past couple years, she does not seem to me to be a very nice person. Granted she's had issues, but it's not as if you were badgering her for attention, instead just showing the normal caring behavior when a friend goes MIA or has a health problem.

A truism is that as people age, they reveal more of their true nature. Cold people can no longer disguise coldness and meanness. Warm people just widen their arms. She may no longer be the same person you thought you knew.

Thanks, @DownTheShore.  My friend has never been the warm and fuzzy type -- I've known this from the beginning.  Everyone has to walk on eggshells around her.  She has no compunction dishing out the cold hard truth to family and friends but God forbid anyone tell HER the truth -- even if she knows it is so, she just doesn't want to hear advice.  In her mind she is the advice-giver.  Again, it all comes down to vulnerability, and how my friend distains it.  She went through some physical abuse with an early marriage -- never talks about it except tangentially -- and had vowed never to be put in that situation again.  That explains a lot I think.  I don't think I'm constantly giving excuses for her, just trying to see things in perspective.  

Edited by Bronx Babe
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
4 hours ago, Bronx Babe said:

@PearlClutcher, I really appreciate the time and concern you took to jump in here on this particular situation.  Thank you.

This person and I have been through a lot since I moved down here.  We've seen each other through many crises of hers and mine -- family, health, etc.  She has always been a very straightforward and rather difficult personality -- treating everyone in the same rough, tough-love way, and everyone in her orbit has always accepted this because she basically lives to serve others, never herself.  I do appreciate and respect myself and I know deep down she does as well, even if it's not always apparent. 

You're welcome. I know that you will have no need of our opinions when and if this happens again.  Be well and happy.

11 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

@SuprSuprElevated. What a treasure this is.  I keep playing it over and over it's that cute.  TY!

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
On ‎1‎/‎24‎/‎2019 at 1:48 PM, LeeDenny said:

@Bronx Babe I can tell you when I was recovering from my ankle surgery, I did not want to talk to anyone and I was very annoyed when people were trying to call me etc. It's not that I wasn't appreciative, but I'm an introvert and it sapped all my energy just going to the doctor and to PT. I didn't mean to be rude to people but I'm afraid I was.  Don't take your friend's response personally. Maybe her recovery isn't going as well as she hoped and she's incredibly frustrated and learning how to cope with her new reality. She could probably use some counseling along with PT. She knows you care and the next step is up to her.

Thanks so much for your perspective, @LeeDenny.  My friend has always been rude, lol (granted, no laughing matter....) and a difficult personality but she is also very proud so I know this stroke recovery is making her beyond frustrated.  

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
12 minutes ago, PearlClutcher said:

You're welcome. I know that you will have no need of our opinions when and if this happens again.  

@PearlClutcher, I trust and value everyone's opinion on this board!   I'm just a selfish, immature, stubborn, obtuse, naïve individual who needs straightening out and you are just the women to do it!  Be patient with me!

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post

Time flies.

33 years ago today Challenger exploded.

The son of Challenger's commander was about to graduate from the Air Force Academy.  Today he is a 3-star general and in charge of the Air Force Reserve. 

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post

Woke up this morning in a terrible funk, more so than usual, realizing that all of you are right about my friend and that it's probably the best thing to move on.  

I still haven't taken down my Christmas decorations.  It feels more cheerful to have them around.  I cannot afford any therapy for my obvious depression, which started when I lost my job two years ago, followed by Mom's death and now my friend's stroke.  In the past I could always bounce back from life's curveballs.  Now I'm not so sure.  I feel lonely, bereft, like a child in the dark.  I have not found gainful employment and am frankly suffering financially.  I know, woe is me.  Poor baby, cannot deal with reality.  I'm trying, God knows I'm trying.

So many of you on this board have suffered and are suffering in ways that I haven't.  My travails feel puny next to yours.  I better shape up.   

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
10 hours ago, letusprocrastinate said:

Time flies.

33 years ago today Challenger exploded.

The son of Challenger's commander was about to graduate from the Air Force Academy.  Today he is a 3-star general and in charge of the Air Force Reserve. 

And I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news on the radio.  Right down to the closest intersection.  Wow.  33 years.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×