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Pete: What about me?

Myka: Pete? Right. See? I already have a child.

Pete: No, I mean you could have kids with me. We could totally do it without even having sex.

Myka: That's...enticing.

Pete: How about this? If in ten years, neither of us has found anyone-

Myka: Oh, a murder-suicide pact. That's a great idea!

Ted: After the whole museum thing, guys at the office had a pool going - hook up or kill each other.

Pete: Neither one so far, but I wouldn't rule out both.

Myka: I liked it better when you just stared at my boobs.

Myka: You know, I am so glad that we have boundaries. Work is work and personal is personal. It's much better that way.

Pete: Boundaries, yup, we work together every day and live next door to each other in a B&B.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Pete: I thought Halloween was like gay Christmas. You don't like costumes.
Jinks: I'm not a cliché. I don't watch the Oscars either.


Jinks: I used to like magic!


Claire: I missed the Garbage concert!


Artie: Alice? Are you in there? Sorry! Just go back to planning ways to kill me.


Artie: There was a time when people actually did what I said.


Fortune teller: Damn it, I'm getting old. I used to be faster than the KGB.
Jinks: So this is why you ran out on us? You were jonesing for a corn dog?
Pete: Which I would totally get by the way. They're awesome.


Pete: With clear eyes and a full heart, you can't lose.
Oswald: I'm near sighted and I have arrhythmia.

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Professor Moulton: Yes, you can do an expose on Bill Clinton if you want, but I'd say you're late to the party.


Artie: What's happening?
Pete: Well, I don't speak Spanish but Myka is a super hot maid who hates Kelly and they're waiting for this guy Armando who I'm hoping doesn't show up cause I really want to see these two make out.


Artie: Sometimes people fill a void with an obsessive attachment to a tv show.


Claudia: Okay, frat boy, what kind of heathen initiation ritual am I about to walk into here?
Steve: I don't know. My frat wasn't like this. We had book club and yuletide a cappella.

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Claudia: Nice security in this place.

Artie: You might have noticed that when you broke in.


Pete: Oh, great, the Nazi Valda.


Pete: You and me alone?

Myka: Bring your favorite teddy bear and a night light.


Pete: Come on, Jinksy. I'll take off my shirt.


Pete: Say what?

Claudia: It's like the transporter from Star Trek minus the dilithium crystals.

Pete: Oh, cool.


Steve: Why do they call it the Isle of the Widow's Son?

Artie: Well, originally it's a freemason's - don't you have access to Wikipedia? Look it up!


Pete: Zoinks! Velma, Daphne, let's go!


Steve: Are you sure the neutralizer will stop it?

Artie: I stopped being sure of things in 1983.


Steve: You do have a plan B, right? Silly string? That's what's going to save the warehouse?


Pete: Man, I don't want to work in China. It's probably impossible to find a good burrito.


Claudia: Mrs. Frederick?

Pete: Had a sister? So, what? The Mrs. Frederick of the East?


Steve: Is this an artifact? What's the provenance?

Artie: No, it's just a rope!


Pete: Hey, Benny, check your pockets. Fork you!


Myka: How many times do we have to save the world?

Pete: We should get a raise.

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Warehouse guy: Well done, Agents Wells. Snagging Jack the Ripper's lantern in your first month - the other agents will become jealous.
HG: They already are. Mr. Kipling's taken to writing rude verses on the walls.

WG: Great Britain is simply the warehouse's current home.
HG: England did not house warehouses one through eleven?
WG: Nor will it house warehouse 13. That honor belongs to another nation when England's power wanes.
HG: Well then there will never be a warehouse 13 for the sun will never set on the British Empire.


Scott: Wow, we're in the past.
Artie: More like the past is here.
Scott: Oh, it makes perfect sense when you put it that way.


Pete: Did you accidentally touch a nympho artifact?

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Pete (to Artie): 'If there were only some sort of--I don't know--social ritual.  One involving the sharing of food, or the enjoying of filmed entertainment with some Duds that have been Milked.'


(Pete's hand gestures as he's speaking makes it even funnier)

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