Explain it to Me Like I'm Lily: Recaps for the Disenchanted

[LeftPhalange]

 

This is going to be a boring episode, y’all.

 

EXTREMELY boring.

 

 

Like he’s about to CRY over it.

 

Jack was acting real thirsty during his little outing with Kelly. Calm down dude. Although a few months ago Kelly was the one acting desperate so maybe she likes dehydrated men. That whole conversation between them was just weird.

 

 

unfortunately he’s butt dialing Jill,

 

Who still butt dials in 2014?  Stupid writers.

 

 

she opens the door for him to leave.  He just stares at her…so she slams the door and RUNS across the room into his arms and they start passionately kissing again.  Because it’s totally like Cane said, bitches mean yes when they say no.  This show sucks.

 

These people make me sick.

[miamama]

Kelly says, “I just think when someone or something speaks to you, you just have to let yourself fall headlong into adoration, don’t you think?”  WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?   They talk a lot about Vertigo and it’s too odd to even relate here.  Kelly finally decides to leave and get back to work, even though their whole worlds have been rocked by the concert and this conversation.

 

Did she say that? lol. "headlong into adoration." I was so smitten with them I wasn't paying too close attention. Though the Vertigo quote to describe the kiss made no sense. Unless it was after a first kiss in Vertigo. I saw that movie decades ago and can't recall. Nutty obscure in any case. But that was their "connection," get it? get it? Ah, the heavy hands of soap opera writers...

 

I'm a shipper of these two but I can't call them Jelly. It's a stupid sounding mashup. How about Jackyy? 

 

Peach, you should get hazard pay for this (again, fantastic) recap. I can't imagine having watched Neil/Hillary and Lily/Cane in real time. ugh.

[peach]

Did she say that? lol. "headlong into adoration." I was so smitten with them I wasn't paying too close attention. Though the Vertigo quote to describe the kiss made no sense. Unless it was after a first kiss in Vertigo. I saw that movie decades ago and can't recall. Nutty obscure in any case. But that was their "connection," get it? get it? Ah, the heavy hands of soap opera writers...

 

I'm a shipper of these two but I can't call them Jelly. It's a stupid sounding mashup. How about Jackyy? 

 

Peach, you should get hazard pay for this (again, fantastic) recap. I can't imagine having watched Neil/Hillary and Lily/Cane in real time. ugh.

 

I can tell you who would NOT have said that.  Old Kelly.  lol  Kelly the kindergarten teacher with a dead kid and past with Neanderthal Stitch and Idiot Billy is now a bright and shining beacon of light, speaking Italian, discussing composers, and channeling Kim Novak.  Plus, I thought that line was a little much from someone who's trying to live down a one night stand with Billy.  Hey, if someone speaks to you, you just fall headlong into "adoration," or bed or whatever. wink wink.  But all the same, I like her with Jack, and Old Kelly wasn't around long, so we can just forget about her.

 

I don't have a penchant for name mashups all the time, myself, unless they are just natural and/or funny.  Like, I think Sticky is just funny.  So I will probably just stick with Jack and Kelly.

 

Thank you for acknowledging my anguish having to actually listen to Neil/Hilary/Cane.  I truly find that storyline offensive now.

[pearlite]

Oh, when I read your first sentence, I'd just watched This is the End, and thought of Mangina/Esmeralda as Danny McBride, and Devon as Channing Tatum, on his knees, complete with dog-leash. Only in this case Mangina is, in my imagination, addressing Hilary, not James Franco, saying, "I found him in the GCAC. Collected him. Made him my bitch." (Or words to that effect)

Once a bottom, always a bottom.

 

It's odd to me how Devon is so intimidated by Hilary. It's not as if she's a foot taller than him like somebody esme, uh, else we know.

 

[miamama]

Old Kelly always seemed vaguely hung over and damaged by what I imagined was her trailer park upbringing. I found her batting eyelashes "I'm FLIRTING with YOU JACK!" a touch hammy.

 

I'm not so big on mashups either. Usually it's to save typing time. There are some that have taken on a kind of power like Shick. Lame is clever. But my fave is Phuck because it says so much about the Nick-Phyllis pairing.

[peach]

You guys are really making me laugh out loud.

[SweePea59]

Aw, Peach, you are outdoing yourself with these recaps. Great job!

[peacheslatour]

Ugh, I did so not need to see Pursey Lips working out.  There is just something gross about him physically.  Yuck.

Edited April 26, 2014 by peacheslatour

[SweePea59]

Who still butt dials in 2014?  Stupid writers.

Well, I, ahem, ear-swipe when I use my phone for actual telephone conversations.

[SweePea59]

I'm not so big on mashups either. Usually it's to save typing time. There are some that have taken on a kind of power like Shick. Lame is clever. But my fave is Phuck because it says so much about the Nick-Phyllis pairing.

I generally do not care for couples names mashups, but every now and then one comes along that even I can't resist, like Bacteria.

[Suby]

Ugh, I did so not need to see Pursey Lips working out.  There is just something gross about him physically.  Yuck.

Yes there is.  I said that about him when he first appeared way back in the story with Amber.  People thought I was nuts.

 

Edited to add my new moniker for the purse lipped pasty one:   Dingo Dong

Edited April 26, 2014 by Suby

[glowlights]

What a wonderfully romantic scene in the park with Jack and Kelly... while the delicate scent of Victoria's barf wafted through the spring air. I kept waiting for one of them to wrinkle their nose and say, "Do you smell something?"

 

Also, since when is dehydration a concern when someone throws up once? How on earth does she survive going on those runs...

 

I couldn't believe the major cliffhanger moment at the end of Friday's episode was Devon knocking on Neil's door. What's he going to do, stamp his feet? Do we care? Actually, I couldn't believe that in the middle of the major shit happening at the Newman ranch we got two full episodes of Cane and Lily, the music box junk, whoever else was doing whatever, and the aforementioned Puke In The Park concert. Excuse me Y&R writers/producers, but all I care about right now is whether THATWOMAN has locked Fake Cassie in a closet or Nikki has killed Victor or Nick's nostrils have flared to the point of bursting. Get with the drama!

 

The one thing that struck me was how I reacted to the brief scene with Jack and Jill (ha) talking at the bar. Two veteran characters who have been pivotal to the show, with so much shared history between them, having a quiet heart to heart, however brief, was really something to me in the midst of all the trivial stories happening right now. It felt really different.

 

p.s. The Vertigo banter was just... weird.

[peach]

Edited to add my new moniker for the purse lipped pasty one:   Dingo Dong

 Dongo

 

p.s. The Vertigo banter was just... weird.

 

But now you know about Jack's admiration of Kim Novak's eyebrows.  It was all very WTF.

Edited April 26, 2014 by peach

[peacheslatour]

Kim Novak's eyebrows in that movie are a sight to behold, though.

[miamama]

I didn't mind the talk about the film Vertigo because it was pretty believable -- the eyebrows, the pretty standard Hitchcock filming praise etc. It was the quote that was rather over the top because it was an obscure one. But as far as soaps go, I thought it was a good effort. There was an attempt at exuding sexuality without Lane-like throwing off clothes or Phyllis-Nick SEX!

[peach]

You're right, the conversation itself was interesting, but their quavering, emotional reaction to it was kind of strange.  Jack must be really starved for decent conversation in GC.  I guess that makes perfect sense, though, really, listening to Devon talk to Hilary or Cane made me want to hang myself.  Now I get why Leslie married the first person she encountered after hanging around those people too long.

[miamama]

You're right, the conversation itself was interesting, but their quavering, emotional reaction to it was kind of strange.

 

True. It was striking (the big emotion). My sense is the actors are coming at it as two very wounded people who have been shut off from living (and even from their own emotions) until suddenly they are literally shaken with this (unlikely) attraction. Both Jack and Kelly in their post-date conversations alluded to (or were reminded by others) that they need to live again. And the only way either of them would "go for it" with each other (i.e. with the baggage and complications inherent) is because of this intense, earth-shattering attraction.

Edited April 26, 2014 by miamama

[Snaporaz]

 

Neil barges in on Hilary, and she says if it doesn’t concern work, she isn’t on the clock.  Well, Neil isn’t leaving until they get something straight.  Because Neil doesn’t take no for an answer.  I think it would be fun if Hilary hired Leslie to sue Neil.

For most of this scene, I actually thought she found Neil repulsive, because, duh.  When somebody tells you, "I'm off the clock", that means "I will only deal with you between the hours of 9AM and 5PM."  And I also thought that a sexual harassment suit would be possible (and yes, fun!  I love the idea of Leslie on the case!).  None of it looked like Hillary "fighting her feelings".  She just looked like she wanted to get away.  I was really surprised and disappointed at how it played out.  The only bright spot will be Miss Devon's reaction.  

Edited to add how much I love these recaps.  They're so thorough, I actually think I could stop watching the show and not miss a thing.  Especially because they're more entertaining than the show.  Lily giving a "TSA pat-down" to the koalas is not only hysterical, but a pretty accurate description!

Edited April 26, 2014 by Snaporaz

[marshmallow]

 Devon wants a woman of substance, with her own career, who doesn’t want his money, who’s independent, who’s beautiful…and Cane’s like, so you mean Hilary?

 

 

You had one of those Devon, but you treated Ashley Banks like shit.

[peach]

Under tornado warnings this afternoon, so Y&R isn't on.  Or it's going to be on in chunks.  May have to wait til it's online.

 

(I'm not in the tornado section, btw)

 

Edited April 28, 2014 by peach

[LeftPhalange]

I'll give you guys a quick recap until peach can give you the real thing.

 

Nick loves Sharon and doesn't care if she has a secret. He also disowns Victor but doesn't make any plans to move off of Victor's property even though he's a grown ass man.

 

Nikki is shocked that the man who once told her he wished she was dead could be such a heinous bastard.

 

Ian continues to piss off Avery, Dylan, and Summer.

 

Fake Cassie is in cahoots with Ian.

 

Neil and Hilary have nasty sex and an angel lost its wings.

 

Devon hears Hilary having sex with someone (he doesn't know it's with Neil) because the doors at the GCAC are super thin. He decides to settle for gold digging Esmerelda because he's a wimp.

[peach]

Mon Apr 28  PART ONE

Nick and Sharon walk into the cottage.  They’re back from a session with Dr Mead.  Sharon says it was frustrating.  Nick asks if she told Dr Mead what his dad did to her.  NO, Nick, they exchanged recipes.  Of course Sharon told the doctor that Victor gaslighted her and Dr Mead gave her ECT when she wasn’t really having hallucinations.  I’m sure Dr Mead’s not sweating that one out.  Dr Mead’s spectacular advice now is for Sharon to yell and curse Victor if it makes her feel better.  Nick thinks that sounds good, but Sharon’s like, yo, IT DOESN’T UNFRY MY BRAIN, now does it?  Nick concedes that it does not, and reiterates how crappy his dad was to cause this.  Sharon says she has so many questions about the gaps in her memory, but even more about this girl who’s been pretending to be Cassie.

 

Victor shows up at Fake Cassie’s door to tell her he paid her a great deal of money, but she blew the whole plan and got caught by Nicholas.  “You don’t think I’m going to let that go, do you?” 

 

Dylan stops by the Newman ranch to check on Nikki and see if Ian Ward’s been bothering her.  She says he has not, nor Summer either.  Dylan tells her about Ian changing his will to make Dylan the sole beneficiary.  Tsk tsk, says Nikki, that Ian and his Path have to resort to buying a relationship with his son.  Dylan’s like, um, no, it’s to keep me from killing him.

 

Avery runs into Summer at the coffee shop and asks her if she can help Avery out with that new-fangled social media to generate buzz for her dumb internet cooking show.  Summer is super excited.  IAN WARD creeps up with his creepy music and says perhaps he can offer some insight. I bet he knows everything about Twitter, you guys.

 

Neil and Hilary are KISSING.  LOUDLY.  Cut to Devon getting ready to knock on the door…til he hears lipsmacking and Hilary moaaaning inside, saying, “don’t stop.”  The GCAC is pretty flimsy.  Do not get a room there.  He grimaces like he should have totally known this was going to happen, and walks off.  Neil carries Hilary to the bed, more lipsmacking.

 

Ian says he’s pleasantly surprised to see Summer.  Avery says the feeling isn’t mutual.  Summer tells Ian she’s not interested in his stupid Path bullshit, as it’s just a way to get money.  Ian says he gets that money by being good at caring about people, like he cares about her.  Ick.  Avery says don’t listen to him, Summer,  and Ian says, “still letting people tell you what to do, I see.”  He knows how to press those buttons.  He tells Summer he could have helped her achieve her true potential, but she’d rather stay stuck in place.  As an heiress, gosh, that’s rough.  Avery tells Ian that Summer’s life is none of his business, and neither is Dylan’s, and she doesn’t want to see his face again.  Then why don’t they already have a restraining order against this cat?  Avery IS a lawyer.  Ian says he’s not going away since HER partner helped him get free, and Avery should know what it’s like to help people who’ve been wrongly accused.  Avery is literally gritting her teeth.  “You HAVEN’T been wrongly accused,” she says, “and you will get what’s coming to you sooner or later.”  Ooo, foreshadowing.

 

Nikki tells Dylan it doesn’t make sense for Ian to make him his beneficiary, since that would give him MORE incentive to get rid of Ian.  “Not if I want the cops coming after me, “ says Dylan, “and Ian’s betting that I won’t.”  “Is he right?” asks Nikki, in that eyebrows up sort of way.   Dylan says he has no PLANS to hurt the guy, but he hates that Ian’s walking around free until a new trial date is set.  I guess we’re not ruling out a handy PTSD lemon knife attack, then.

 

Nikki’s glass is half full, however, and she thinks Ian coming around has made her stronger and brought her family together, especially Nick and Dylan.  Dylan’s like, meh, and Nikki says she understands that having this family thrust upon him is overwhelming.  Dylan agrees, since “just figuring out how you’re all related takes some doing.”  HA!  Well, Dylan, you’re going to need a Power Point and some banjo music.  But Nikki thinks it’s still better than being an only child, because the Newmans always rally around each other.  Or marry the same woman, or gaslight each other, depending on the season.  Actually, since Nick and Dylan have already shared Avery, he’s pretty much one of them now.

 

Victor chides Fake Cassie.  “Instead of helping me protect my son, you implicated me in the mess you created.”  Wait, who created it?  “And now [i’ve] you’ve turned my son against me.”  Fake Cassie insists that she did everything she could to take the blame for the idea of spooking Sharon.  Victor says Nick is not a fool.  That’s probably up for debate.  He asks her if she came back for a bigger payoff, but Fake Cassie insists it was only to make things right.  That’s a terrible defense right now, Fake Cassie!  Victor’s trying to make things wrong!

 

Sharon tells Nick how unbelievable it is how much Fake Cassie is like Real Cassie.  Nick says Dad really outdid himself with this plan.  Sharon is so glad Nick discovered her.  Nick says it ticks him off that Victor went to these lengths to claim Sharon has some secret.  Sharon pensively says, “He’s right.  I do.”  Nick stares intently at her.  He’s looking pretty good today.  He should always wear that shade of green. (Shick haters, feel free to barf in your mouth.)

 

Sharon tells Nick that she got to thinking about Victor’s SHE’SGOTASECRET accusation, and figured, hey, this is me we’re talking about, so she asked Dr Mead if she knew anything about a secret.  Wouldn’t you know it…she totally has one.  I wonder if Dr Mead told Sharon she actually preferred brain fryification over just telling Nick the truth.  Maybe she decided to run that past a malpractice attorney first. 

 

Nick asks if it’s a good thing he’s sitting down.  Sharon says Dr Mead doesn’t have any of the details because Sharon was crazy, not stupid, and never told her what it was.  She said it could be a while before she can remember herself.  She’s frustrated because she keeps trying to remember, but she can’t. Nick tells her not to push it.  But Sharon is worried that it’s important, and what if they need to know it NOW, and that’s why Victor was pushing so hard to get to the bottom of it.  Nick stands up and says, NO, nothing justifies what Victor did.  Sharon says maybe Victor was just trying to protect Nick.   Nick is like, no, he’s trying to CONTROL me and dictate my life like he always has.  He says Victor’s done some despicable things in the past, but using Cassie to drive Sharon crazy is just…it’s…so...Nick is so mad he just can’t with this anymore.  He leaves” to go handle this once and for all.”  Sharon stares at Cassie’s picture.

 

Victor tells Fake Cassie there’s no way to make things right where Sharon is concerned, because she has a secret that can hurt Nicholas.  Fake Cassie says she knows that.  Victor thinks she might be holding back on him, but she swears she doesn’t know what it is.  She tries to talk Victor into giving her another chance.  Maybe she can smooth things over with Nick, for instance.  He says she better not ever approach Nicholas or anyone else in the family ever again or he’ll have her in the custody of the Portland police in no time. She’s like, noooo problem.  She doesn’t want to spend her pay on a defense attorney.  Victor says they have an understanding and leaves.  Fake Cassie looks bummed.

 

Esme sees Devon at the bar.  She wants to party with him at the Velvet Room, and he says that’s just what he needs.  Maybe he’ll buy her a condo this time.

 

Ian talks for a long time about how Avery needs to watch out saying anything that could be construed as a threat, especially in front of witnesses.  But he knows AVERY is too smart to do that.  Dylan is another matter, he says, because he loses his temper, and flings lemon juice around willy nilly.  He says Dylan needs to set aside his pride and get help for his issues.  Dylan IS getting help, Avery and Summer will have you know.  Ian spins some doubt about how busy Avery is being a lady lawyer with a web series, and who knows how Dylan could react.  Restraining order, people, how hard is it?

 

Dylan tells Nikki to let him know if Ian bothers her, and Nick comes blazing through the door, shouting, “DAD!  DAD!!!”  Who has anger issues now?  Dylan’s out of there, since the Newmans are rallying around each other right now, and Nikki is like, what is going on??  Nick says that sonofabitch has gone too far this time, and there’s no coming back from it!!

[Joimiaroxeu]

because the doors at the GCAC are super thin

I think maybe we're supposed to believe that Hilary was screaming. Because Shiny Hairless Manboobs Neil is just that good. /vomit

 

Victor shows up at Fake Cassie’s door to tell her he paid her a great deal of money,

Guess we now know where that money went, huh? It seems Ian and FauxCassie perhaps targeted Victor and the Newmans et al from the jump. Once the truth comes out that'll probably end up being Victor's Path to forgiveness from Nick.

Edited April 29, 2014 by Joimiaroxeu

[Snaporaz]

 

Devon hears Hilary having sex with someone (he doesn't know it's with Neil) because the doors at the GCAC are super thin.

I got the impression that Miss Devon put it all together once Neil came into the bar.  Oooo, I should re-phrase that...Anyway, who knew Neil turns into a frat boy when he gets laid?

 

 

Dylan’s like, meh, and Nikki says she understands that having this family thrust upon him is overwhelming.  Dylan agrees, since “just figuring out how you’re all related takes some doing.”  HA!  Well, Dylan, you’re going to need a Power Point and some banjo music.

This made me snort, and now I can't stop laughing!

[Suby]

Shiny Hairless Manboobs Neil is just that good. /vomit

 

lol - LOVE it!

 

  Oooo, I should re-phrase that...Anyway, who knew Neil turns into a frat boy when he gets laid?

That was embarrassingly bad.  I thought for sure he'd start wailing on his air trumpet.

[peach]

Mon Apr 28  PART TWO

Devon suggest to Esme that they invite Abby and Tyler. Fun!  Then he adds Lily and Cane, ugh, so he can ask Lily about the foundation he donated to and put her in charge of to [shut her up] give poor kids a chance, because he didn’t have those chances. Wow, that sounds insane in the membrane.  I’m sure that’s exactly what Esme was thinking of for a wild night out.  Esme lies through her teeth that she would LOVE to spend time with Lily.   She’s committed to digging this gold.  She says she and Lily can swap modeling stories like that horrible time she had shooting on an island with no shopping or cell service.  Devon says that sounds tragic and looks like he’s thinking about maybe murdering her because she so isn’t Lipsmacking Woman Of Substance Hilary, who is currently upstairs having sex with her boss.  Esme leaves to change, and Devon needs another drink to cope with his evening.

 

Neil is in the sheets with Hilary saying, “so much for stopping before things went further.”  You guys…I had to walk away for a minute.  There is no stopping Neil.  No means yes.  Hilary purrs that it’s all his fault, which…yeah, since he forced himself on you for an entire episode.  They cuddle but Hilary says this can’t happen again.  Neil’s like what are you talking about?  She says it’s UNPROFESSIONAL.  Neil cannot believe his ears.  Unprofessional??  WTF, Hilary? HOW is this unprofessional?  She has to remind him that he’s the head of Jabot Fashion and she’s just an assistant.  Hello?  She says what would Jack think?  Neil’s like, this is Jabot, this is Genoa City, this is how it’s done here. Jack bangs people at Jabot all the time.  He mentions Leslie, and that puts a damper on things.  He tells her this right here has NOTHING to do with Leslie.  Of course not, it has to do with Neil.  Everything has to do with Neil.  He says it’s not a rebound because he’s wildly attracted to her, “girl,” and he wants to see where this leads.  How is that not a rebound again?

 

Avery makes a classic mistake and defends herself to Ian Ward.  She says Dylan is supportive of her dumb cooking show.  Ian says, yeah, for now, but what if he goes off the rails?  Summer is like, my aunt told you Dylan’s getting help so shut up.  Ian says only he can help Dylan with his post combat stuff, and Avery is like stop showing up here because I would be happy to file that restraining order. Stop talking about it and do it!!  Dylan walks in.  He doesn’t look happy, but doesn’t say anything.  Ian says they don’t need a restraining order because Dylan doesn’t mind his presence at all.  Really, because it kind of looked like he was deciding how big he needed to dig the hole to bury you in.

 

Cut to Nikki and Nick.  I guess he told her what happened while we were watching stupid people kiss.  Nikki insists Victor wouldn’t do that, and Nick is like, VICTOR? After all the things he’s done, he’s capable of anything.  Nikki says, “Not using the memory of our granddaughter to torture Sharon in a heinous way!”  Is that so hard to believe?  Nick pours out how hard Sharon was trying to get better, and how this was hurting the mother of his children, etc, and Nikki is blown away, and Victor just strolls in with the mail like this conversation isn’t happening.  Nikki demands an explanation.  Victor glares at Nick and says, you didn’t waste much time giving her your version.  Right, this is all Nick’s fault. Victor says he was protecting Nick, and Nick says, by hurting the woman I love?  And Victor says “if you love Sharon then you don’t know the meaning of the word.”  Victor knows all about love though.  He’s love personified.

 

Fake Cassie leaves a message on the phone with the mystery person saying Victor Newman is all over her and she needs help.  There’s a knock on the door, and for the first time ever, someone looks through the peephole.  She grimaces.  Sharon’s voice says, “It’s Sharon Newman.  I know you’re in there.”  Fake Cassie opens up and they stare at each other dramatically.

 

Hilary still thinks messing with Neil is a bad idea.  Neil says work is NOT an issue, and Hilary says, but Lily is.  Neil says Hilary has apologized for trying to destroy their entire family, and it was LONG TIME AGO, and that’s good enough for him.  Just like he was with Leslie a long time ago, like last week, for Pete’s sake.  Neil has the memory of a guppy.  Hilary says Lily can’t stand to even be in the same room with her…so they have to keep this a secret for now. Neil’s fine with that, but says he is not going to apologize for being with Hilary because [he’s a selfish twit] there’s nothing wrong with it.

 

Avery tells Ian that Dylan ignoring him just proves he CAN control his emotions so Ian can stop coming in there trying to provoke him.  Ian says he just likes the coffee!  And meeting people.  Summer says, you mean recruit them, blahblah, he finally leaves.  Avery looks like she’s gagging.  She says she can’t believe Dylan didn’t throw him out, and he says he’s not going to give Ian a reaction.  RESTRAINING ORDER!

 

Sharon comes in Fake Cassie’s room.  Fake Cassie asks if she’s changed her mind about pressing charges.  Sharon says no, she just has questions about her and how she can be so much like Cassie.  Fake Cassie says she probably only has a few of the same characteristics, and Sharon is like NO, you are just like her, and Victor thought so too.  She asks where Fake Cassie is from, and she says it’s not important.  She tries to tell Sharon that she is NOT Cassie and she is nothing like her.  Would Cassie hurt someone like that without a second thought?  Sharon has a flashback to when Fake Cassie came in her hospital room and apologized to her.  “You were in the hospital, weren’t you” she asks.

 

Victor says yet again that Sharon is keeping a secret.  “So you decided to play God,” fumes Nick.  He rants some more about Victor’s evil doings.  He’s like what do think it was like for Faith when her mother was in the hospital and might not come out??  Nikki is sickened…she asks how he could do that to that poor child.  Victor coldly says the children are better off without their mother.  Dear God, Victor.  Nick is even angrier now.  “You don’t get to decide that!  You can’t erase her from their lives” etc.   Victor asks Nick when he’s going to wake up.  “SHE’SMANIPULATINGYOUSON!”  He says Sharon leeched onto him after the paternity situation with Summer, blahblah, and Nick is confusing it with love.  Nick says he’s not confused about how he feels about Sharon, and he’s not confused about how he feels about Victor.
Victor:  SON…!
Nick:  I’M NOT YOUR SON!  I DON’T HAVE A FATHER!  <starts storming out> 
Victor:  Have it your way, son!  IWILLALWAYSBEYOURFATHER!
Nikki weeps.

 

Neil finds Devon in the bar and acts like a total douchebag, like he’s never been laid before in his life.  He thinks he’s even more awesome than usual.  He’s singing.   Neil says he’s all about fun now, and Devon offers to set him up with some of Esmerelda’s model friends for a good time. Psssht.  Neil prefers a woman with substance, Devon, also 20 years younger than him.  Devon understands, because models aren’t really his ideal girl, either.  Loser models, amiright?  Isn’t Neil’s daughter and Devon’s sister a model?  Neil calms down enough to ask Devon exactly who is his ideal girl, and of course, Hilary strolls in with a giant grin on her face for Neil, and Devon seriously looks like he’s going to vom.

 

Ian chats up Esmerelda in the coffee shop.  WTF is she doing in there?  Is the coffee ship in the club?   He says she looks familiar and she brags her ass off about her modeling.  She’s everywhere, even the billboard for the mall,  you guys.  I think maybe Ian thought she was Apollonia 6.  He asks her if she’s ever thought about her life goals, and Esme cocks her head like a confused Labrador.  She wonders, HAS she ever thought?   Summer rushes in and saves her from thinking, telling her that Ian Ward is just a big fake. Ian threatens Summer with a defamation lawsuit. 

 

Sharon asks Fake Cassie again about the hospital.  Sharon also wants to know if she knows anything about a secret or something that could hurt Nick.  Fake Cassie doesn’t have time for this, she wants Sharon to leave her alone.  Sharon’s like, seriously?  “The way you left ME alone?”  She tells Fake Cassie she owes her.  Fake Cassie says she shouldn’t even be talking to Sharon.  Sharon says she knows she’s afraid of Victor, and that he’s a bully, that he enticed her with money and she didn’t know what she was getting into,  but she will protect her from him.  She’ll make sure Victor doesn’t hurt her.  She wants to help Fake Cassie get out from under this.  This is interesting, since Sharon can’t protect herself from Victor.  Fake Cassie is weakening and is drawn to this compassion from Sharon, but she can’t go there.  She says she wants Sharon out, and she doesn’t need her help.

 

Victor literally says to Nikki…”So..you want to go riding?”  lol  Nikki is like Oh Em Gee, Victor.  Your son just walked out of your life.  Victor’s all whatever, Nick’s done this lots of times, he’ll be back.  Nikki says this is new territory, this is SICK.  I’m pretty sure Victor’s been sick before, Nikki.  For some reason, he’s still trying to weasel out of it, like he didn’t really do it, when two seconds ago he acted like he did.  Either way, he doesn’t really give a shit.  Nikki asks how he could torture a sick woman?  He rolls his eyes.  She says how could you torture Faith and Noah, then?  Blah blah.  Nikki says, “YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN IAN WARD!”  Oh, man, now Victor is pissed.  He says, I kid you not, “You just crossed a line.”  So THAT’S crossing a line.  Got it. 

 

Neil, Devon, and Woman Of Substance Hilary have a childish conversation where they all pretend Neil and Hilary weren’t just screwing, and Devon tells Hilary about his big date with Esme at the Velvet Room.  He says he has LOTS of fun with her in the least convincing way possible.  Devon calls up Esme and says he wants to see her SOON.

 

Avery tells Dylan her schedule’s probably going to get really crazy with this dumb cooking show. Probably too busy to file a restraining order.  They kiss but are interrupted by Avery’s phone giving her a notification about an online comment for her show.  This is really going to Avery’s head.  Some of the comments are rude, and Dylan doesn’t like it. Avery says he should take the same approach as with Ian and ignore them.  Maybe you should ignore them yourself, on your phone at least.

 

Fake Cassie scolds mystery person on the phone for not returning her calls.  Seriously, mystery person is already there.  She opens the door, and there is IAN WARD!!!  (which everyone reading this already knows).  Fake Cassie smiles for once.

 

Sharon’s back home. Nick comes storming in the door saying he’s finally ended his relationship with his father (again).  Sharon says she’s never seen him this way.  Yep, her brain is fried.  Sharon says she has had some hazy memories today.  Nick tells Sharon he doesn’t care what the secret is because he loves her and nothing will change that. He hugs her.

 

Nikki tells Victor he’s the one that crossed the line, not her.  She said she’s forgiven him for a lot of things, but this is unforgivable.  He says he won’t apologize for what he did to Sharon.  “YOUGETIT?  I’MPROTECTINGMYFAMBLY!  IDON’TCAREWHATANYONETHINKS!”  Nikki says, “I know you don’t,” and walks out.  “YOU’REDAMNRIGHTIDON’T!” Victor yells to an empty room.

 

The End.  Was this the longest episode ever, or is it just me?

[thewhiteowl]

I recall that Victor used to have some sort of awareness that his family would not understand the lengths to which he would go to protect them. He used to understand that they may actually be somewhat ticked off at him, at first. Now he seems kind of confused by that. He doesn't seem to even get that what he did was heinous, starting with bringing Patty back to town and the fallout from that. On to gaslighting the mother of his grandchildren with the image of her dead daughter. Victor has changed. I said he was as bad as Adam but now, I think he's worse.

[marshmallow]

Bravo peach, you are really knocking them out of the park!

 

Watching yesterday's episode, I'm almost convinced the writers are going for comedy here.  From Victor waltzing in, fawning over some wedding invitation, then screaming his bloody head off at Nick, then back to calm, hey, let's go riding, to screaming his bloody head off to Nikki and the empty room.

 

Maybe ole Vic's bipolar too.  Sheesh.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Neil, Devon, and Woman Of Substance Hilary have a childish conversation where they all pretend Neil and Hilary weren’t just screwing,

I'm not sure Devon picked up on Neil and Hilary's behavior and knows they slept together. I think the scene left it sort of ambiguous but maybe it was just BJ's failure to convey the disgust Devon must have been feeling.

 

He says it’s not a rebound because he’s wildly attracted to her, “girl,” and he wants to see where this leads.

It's probably going to lead to his dropping her like a hot rock once he's gotten enough of his rocks off. In Neil's "don't hate the playa, hate the game" mind, Hilary is now tainted goods because she didn't have enough willpower to withstand his pressure. I still see a sexual harassment complaint in Neil's future but Hilary's not helping her case by being such a googly-eyed fool.

 

Maybe ole Vic's bipolar too.  Sheesh.

Seriously, I think he has a near pathological disregard for normal interpersonal boundaries. And the sad thing is, Nick, Nikki, and Victoria are so used to it that it doesn't really bother them for more than a little while. The other people who also get hurt by Victor's schemes to PROTECTMYFAMILYEVENTHOUGHMYPROTECTIONENDSUPHURTINGTHEMWORSE? Collateral damage.

[Snaporaz]

Thanks, peach!  Now I know what I missed when my mind went into a fugue state during Neil's and Hillary's gross sex scene.

"Confused Labrador" to describe Esmerelda...priceless!

[peach]

Tue Apr 29 

 

Billy came to work at the big boy office today.  Jack tells him that he and Kelly have decided they will be spending more time together, and he told Kelly that Billy would be okay with that.  Billy squints.

 

Cut to Victoria’s house.  She has a one car garage and completely unacceptable landscaping.  Looks like they did  upgrade to a bay window option.  She’s sitting at her desk, looking at a calendar, and Stitch calls from the gym.  He asks if she’s had any more bouts of hotdogitis.  Turns out it was just the one.  They flirt about doctors making housecalls, and he asks her on a real real date.  Kelly has walked up behind him unawares.  “A DATE, Ben, SERIOUSLY?  You think this is going to lead somewhere?”  Um, this is kind of not Kelly’s business.

 

Victoria stares at her calendar some more, and Abby shows up at her door.  Victoria is wearing a really cute black dress, btw.  Abby asks if Victoria is okay, and she says she’s not sure.

 

Chloe and Lauren are at lunch.  Lauren asks about the drama at the fashion show, in a friendly way.  Chloe admits she went “all Edward Scissorhands” on Chelsea’s dress, and assumes everyone is saying crazy Chloe is at it again.  Lauren says she’s not “everyone,” she is her sister-in-law, and Chloe says only because Kevin took pity on her to keep her out of Fairview.  And maybe it wasn’t worth it.

 

Fake Cassie opens the door for Ian and says she can’t believe he’s there.  He says he was glad to hear from her because it had been a while.  Fake Cassie had no idea he was even in Genoa City.  She must not keep up with the news on the people she’s gaslighting.  Ian says she sounded desperate on the phone, and she admits she is.  He says he will always be there if she needs him.

 

Leslie shows up at the coffee shop, and Dylan totally ignores her.  She’s like…you’re not going to serve me??  Dylan says that’s his right, and she’s all about people’s rights, right?  Leslie isn’t going to apologize for defending Ian.  Dylan doesn’t want an apology.  They discuss Ian being re-tried.  Leslie says she’ll do what she has to to represent her client.  Dylan says he’ll do what he has to to keep Ian from hurting anyone else.

 

Lauren asks how Chloe could think marrying Kevin was a mistake when it kept her free to live her life.  Chloe says she doesn’t have a life, and Lauren tries to give her a pep talk about all the people who care about her and what she does have, including Kevin.  None of this impresses Chloe, and says Kevin thought they could get something back, but they can’t.  Lauren says if two people really want to get back together, they can make it happen.  Exactly, Lauren, TWO people, not one person plus the one rolling her eyes right now.

 

Leslie tells Dylan that going rogue on Ian will only hurt Dylan.  She offers him some free advice that if Ian can’t manipulate someone, he moves on to someone else, so he should ignore him.  Dylan offers her a tip in return, that if she thinks Ian isn’t manipulating HER right now, she’s just kidding herself.  What he does not offer is a cup of coffee.  Tyler walks up and asks what that was all about.  Leslie says she’s made some choices lately that have made her pretty unpopular.  Tyler says he’s about to make one of those himself.

 

Victoria and Abby sit down for coffee.  Abby says she isn’t sure if she should ask, because of all Vic’s problems with Billy, but would she be her matron of honor.  Victoria is thrilled to be in the wedding.  Fluffy girl talk, and then Abby raises her eyebrows and asks if Billy is there now, wink wink.  Victoria’s like, wth, NO, we’re SEPARATED.  Abby’s all, oh, sorry,  but she saw them leave the engagement party together so she wondered if something “happened” with that.  That’s just how bad your party was, Abby.  Separated people left together. 

 

Abby gets ready to leave, but she stops to lay some judgey guilt on Victoria…”What ever happened to your wedding vows..for better or worse?  Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”  I don’t know, Abby, why don’t you ask one of your myriad parents, stepparents, ex stepparents, or ex sibling inlaws?  Victoria’s like, of course it means something, it’s not that simple.  Yes it is, unmarried Abby tells Victoria, “the only thing complicating it is your refusal to honor it.”  Omg, I would totally not be in her wedding now.  Who didn’t honor their wedding vows again…oh, that’s right, Billyboy Abbott.  I guess she also wants Victoria to “give Billy a pass.”  I can just see how many passes she’s going to give Tyler, since she already holds PREVIOUS relationships against him.  She really is Victor’s daughter.

 

Jack tells Billy he can see he’s not thrilled about the idea of him dating Kelly.  Billy is uncomfortable, but says he, Tracey, and Ashley think Jack should have a life [without Phyllis] but Kelly isn’t quite what he pictured.  Jack says this can work in Billy’s favor because Victoria will see that Kelly’s moved on and isn’t an issue.  Billy says KELLY isn’t the issue anymore.

 

The issue named Stitch is arguing with Kelly.  He’s like for someone who wants nothing to do with him she sure butts in a lot.  She says she’s not going to stand by while he ruins people’s lives, and that he blew up his own marriage.  Isn’t that enough?  What, is she the Stitch Police?  He’s like, news flash, I’m not the one who came between Billy and Victoria.  She says, well, that was one mistake [that ended his marriage] and she apologized.  He says too little, too late.  Kelly says Victoria LOOOOVES Billy, and he’s the only man she will ever love.  Stitch says we’ll see about that and starts to leave, so Kelly blurts out the only reason Victoria has anything to do with him is because she doesn’t know the truth!  Well, then tell her!  Put up or shut up, Kelly.  Stitch is mad, and says she promised to keep her mouth shut. She says that was before he got involved with Vicky.  Stitch says he’s lost everything and finally has a chance for happiness.  “Please don’t take that way, Kelly.”   Kelly and Abby should totally hang out.

 

It turns out Fake Cassie was part of The Path.  Seems like it’s really a great life plan.  Ian says he wished she hadn’t left when she did.  He says, “You haven’t said much about your mother.  You’ve managed to survive without her.”  “Til now,” Fake Cassie says.  They have a heart to heart about what Fake Cassie was doing working for Victor Newman.   Ian talks about how he empathizes with Sharon’s loss and why she would want to latch on to Fake Cassie, sounding like a nice normal person actually.  She says Victor scares the crap out of her, and Ian has no idea how far he’ll go to get what he wants.  Oh, he knows Victor all right.  She says she doesn’t want to leave town, and not just because of Sharon. (I have to admit I'm confused as to whether or not they're implying that Ian is her father??)

 

Cut to TYLER and Leslie, hint hint, and he’s talking about asking Noah to be his best man, but he’s wondering if Leslie wants him to ask her new husband that he’s never met.  Right, people usually ask total strangers to be their best man.  Leslie says that Barton is meeting her there today, people, and that’s one less thing for Tyler to hassle her about. 

 

Abby bursts in and is ranting like a drama queen freak about how the divorce rate in this country is ridiculous and it’s even higher in her own family.  IT’S 100%, idiot!!  And another thing, I wasn’t going to bring this up, but she’s STILL carrying this horrific clutch purse that is bright blue and white stripes with two red pompoms hanging off it. It looks like it goes in a beach bag.  But she’s wearing a pale pink blazer and white beaded top.  It’s so awful I was distracted from the conversation.  ANYWAY, she high speed rants at Tyler that THEY are never getting divorced, it’s not an option, they will never even THINK OF IT.  He’s like what.is.wrong.  OMG, her family is INSANE, you guys, because they think divorce is always the solution to their little problems.  Like her DAD, for instance.  She is having a bipolar meltdown because her dad drew up a prenuptial agreement for them to sign!!!  Tyler says you can tell him to forget about it. SHE ALREADY DID.  Tyler says he already had Leslie draw one up.  And now Abby gets psycho eyes and you know Tyler is going to pay for this.  Well, for one thing, the person with the money usually decides what the papers say, Tyler.

 

Dylan shows up at Victoria’s door.  She welcomes him in, and he lets her know about Ian being around.  Dylan tells her Nikki says she’s not afraid, but he’s going to look out for her and the family.  Victoria grins because Dylan said “the family.”  He tries to say, well, NIKKI’S family.  Which you are in, Vic reminds him.  He talks about trying to get used to it and some cute brother-sister stuff. He asks how she’s holding up.  She smiles and says she’s doing well since she’s hanging out with his bro, Stitch.  He seems reticent about it (which is his normal state) and asks if they’re getting close, and she asks if there’s any reason why they shouldn’t?

 

Kelly follows Stitch into the gym.  He asks if she’s going to keep his secret or not.  Kelly says it’s not like Victoria is going to listen to her.  She can’t believe he doesn’t think the past is going to catch up with him.  He says that’s why it’s called THE PAST.  And Jenna would never have known either if she hadn’t told her. Kelly says Jenna DESERVED to know, but Stitch obviously doesn’t think so because here he is building another relationship while living a lie.  This is kind of psycho.  Does she follow him around making sure he never has a life because he’s done something wrong? TURN HIM IN OR GO AWAY, weirdo.   Stitch says he hasn’t lied to Victoria.  Kelly is getting shrill now, saying does Stitch really think he can pretend he’s some great guy and erase the past, what he did?  Stitch says HE is the one who has to live with what he did, every day.  But Billy has overheard this.  He walks in and says, “what’d you do, Stitch?” all superior like.  Probably nothing you haven’t done, Billy.  Kelly looks all smug and satisfied.

 

Lauren tells Chloe she overstepped.  Chloe says it’s not Lauren, it’s her.  She says she needs lots of time, to heal.  She tells a very sad story about how there’s a split second when she wakes up in the morning when she doesn’t remember that Delia’s gone, and then she has to relive it again. :-(  Lauren says if she cuts everyone off, she won’t survive.  She says Kevin loves her so much.  Chloe says she loves Kevin, but is not IN love with him.  Lauren gently talks to her about opening her heart to the future, etc, and that one day she might even have kids again.  Chloe says you think I can just replace Delia??  Of course Lauren doesn’t think that.

 

Dylan says he’s not a good person to go to for relationship advice.  Vic says but Stitch is your friend.  “But so is Billy.”  Victoria doesn’t want him to take sides.  Dylan says all he knows is that when three people are involved in a relationship, one of them is going to get hurt.  Victoria says she and Stitch aren’t INVOLVED, they’re just two people getting to know each other.  Right.  Except she isn’t getting to know him, she doesn’t know anything about his background, or, um, how his marriage broke up?  Hint?  Dylan’s like, uh, why don’t you ask him?  Victoria HAS asked him, but he avoids it, so maybe Dylan could tell her all about him instead.  Um, Victoria…if you have to ask his friends, that’s a sign.  Dylan is not excited by this line of questioning.

 

Billy’s getting all puffed up around Stitch.  He’s taped his hands up for boxing, you guys.  “It’s a simple question, Stitch.  What is it you have to live with for the rest of your life?” Probably you if he sticks with Victoria.  Stitch says he doesn’t owe Billy any explanations.  Billy says, “What about you, Kelly?...you owe me anything?”  As if she does.  She stares at him and then says, “I think this is between you and Ben.”  What a wimp.  She leaves and Stitch bench presses and Billy goes and punches the bag because he’s a real badass. 

 

Kelly walks into the lobby and Jack comes sailing in.  He asks her what’s wrong, she’s having one of those days, I guess those days you have when you stick your nose in everyone’s business.  She says she could use a big, fat drink, TO AN ADDICT, and he says, how about a walk, instead.  She agrees.  A walk is just like a drink when you’re avoiding the bullshit you caused.

 

Billy’s still punching the bag.  Stitch reaches for a weight, but Billy runs over and grabs it first like a preschooler.  He tells Stitch he has no idea how much he wants to put his fist in his face.  Stitch just laughs at him and says go right ahead.  Oh, right, says Billy, so you can have more ammunition against me with Victoria??  No, so he can beat your ass into the ground, Billy.  Stitch is like let’s just work out, dumbass.  Billy still won’t let go of the weight Stitch wants.  “Let go, Billy,” says Stitch.  “Not until I say what I have to say.”  Ugh, he’s tiresome.

 

Speaking of tiresome, Abby is sneering at Tyler.  Getting a prenup is OBVIOUSLY because he’s still in love with Mariah, she’s just refused to see it, she’s such an idiot.  Wrong on all but the last count.  Won’t it be fun to be married to someone who accuses you of this every five minutes?!  Tyler gets mad and tells her to be quiet for one minute.  A whole minute!    He tells her she’s worth half a billion dollars, and he knew Victor would want a prenup, so he drew up his own.  He shows it to her, and because he loves her so super duper much he will never take one penny from her estate.  Abby reiterates that she IS an idiot.  Of course she thinks this document is fair.  They kiss.  Leslie tells them to get a room.

 

Ian tells Fake Cassie to stay focused on her goal.  He tells her to call him if any of the Newmans give her any trouble.  She thanks him again for coming and says how weird it is that they are both in Genoa City.  “What are you doing here, anyway?”  The same thing he always does, help people find their way.  And he has some unfinished business.  He doesn’t tell her it’s also with the Newmans. 

 

Dylan says he wishes he could help Victoria, but he doesn’t really know that much about Stitch either.  He says Stitch did talk about Jenna sometimes and being excited about becoming a dad, but that’s about it. Victoria asks if he finds that a bit strange.  They’re dudes, Victoria.  Dylan says some people are just like that.  He has to get back to work.  She thanks him for checking on her.  He tells her one thing he knows for sure about Stitch, is that he’s a good guy…but so is Billy.  I think he's grading on a curve.

 

Stitch knows what Billy has to say, that Victoria is still married.  Billy says that’s because she loves him.  Then, in a PRICELESS, hilarious speech, Billy intensely sets out his case for the greatest love of all time:  “Let me tell you something you don’t know about me and Victoria.  This isn’t the first time I’ve screwed up, and odds are I’ll do it again, but in spite of my seemingly endless capacity for making the wrong decision, she and I have always gotten back together.  Victoria found me in the gutter, literally, and she was always able to look past the flaws that were staring her right in the face.  She looked past my drunk eyes and she saw ME, and I saw her, and in that moment we made a connection, and nothing, not my drinking, not my gambling, not even my OVERWHELMING STUPIDITY will ever break that connection.  Because that is a love that will never die.”  Gutter love.  It never dies.

 

Stitch thinks this is as funny as I do.  “Keep telling yourself that.”  Billy doesn’t NEED to tell himself that because he FEELS it.  And it doesn’t matter how many weights Stitch lifts or how charming he is or plays doctor or any of the other things that are way better than Billy, because he will never mean anything to her but a distraction.  He doesn’t have the gutter on his side.  Stitch smiles, “You done?”  Billy is NOT done because he promised he would give VICTORIA space, but he will find out what Stitch is hiding.  Stitch stops smiling.

 

Jack and Kelly walk in the park.  Jack says what is it about the park that’s so soothing.  Kelly recites a little poem about parks.  Jack glows.  He says she must be a wonderful teacher.  She’s applied for the fall, and he says that’s how you get back to normal after a tragedy, little by little, like with Tracey, and now Billy, and eventually when he…he stops short before actually saying when  he pulls the plug on Phyllis.  He says he told Billy about them seeing each other, and he was okay enough with it, and he doesn’t see anything getting in the way of it.  Kelly says…Phyllis.  Jack doesn’t want to talk about Phyllis.  Kelly says she will talk then.  Blahblah about the powerful love Jack and Phyllis share that transcends what happened to her.  She admires his loyalty, and that doesn’t have to change, and she doesn’t want him to feel like he can’t talk about her or his feelings for her.  He says she and Phyllis have one thing in common, they know how to cut right to the heart of things.  Kelly just does it so much more quietly and with her hands in her lap.  They hug.

 

Lauren says of course she doesn’t think Chloe could replace Delia.  Chloe says she doesn’t want other children, she only wants DeeDee.  She talks about how amazing Delia was, and she could only have been created by herself and Billy.  Lauren deeply apologizes to Chloe for upsetting her, but Chloe says it’s okay, and she’s going to be okay now.

 

Billy and Stitch are leaving the club and Billy gets one more jab in about how Stitch should be afraid of him because he WILL dig up his secret.  Stitch says there’s nothing to dig up, but Billy keeps pushing about the thing Stitch has to live with, blah blah, and Stitch says it was about him sucking at marriage and losing his son.  Billy thinks it’s more than that.  Stitch says don’t waste your time.  Billy leaves and Stitch gets shifty eyed.  He runs into Dylan who says he saw Victoria.  He tells Stitch that Victoria still seems conflicted about Billy and Stitch should back off.  Which is not what that conversation was about at all, Dylan.

 

Abby and Tyler did get a room.  Tyler goes to get ice, and runs straight into Fake Cassie/Tattoo Wrist/MARIAH.  He says what are you doing here? Abby and Tyler must be slumming.

 

Jack says Phyllis was fiery, had a red hot temper, and anyone who crossed her knew all about it, including him.  But he retcons her as being scared inside because she was afraid she didn’t measure up as a partner or a sister, but if she let you in, it was the most amazing feeling.  Kelly says she wishes she’d known her.  NOOOO, you don’t.   Jack laughs and says, “She’d have taken your head off.”  Oh, that Phyllis.  “She had something against anyone who showed any interest in her man.”  You mean Nick.  He says that was the Phyllis that used to be, but her body is lying in a clinic, and all her fire and vulnerability are gone now.  Like she’s dead?  Jack says Kelly is right, he loves Phyllis but she can’t be with him, and he can’t be with her.  He can totally be with Kelly, though.

 

Chloe is waiting for Billy in his office.  She says she was thinking about how nothing’s been the same since they lost Delia.  Billy wishes he had a time machine.  Chloe says they can’t go back, and that perfect little girl they created is gone.  Billy says he’ll never do anything that amazing again.  Chloe says, or we could.  We could have another baby.  Billy looks at her like she’s on drugs.

 

Stitch asks Dylan if he should back off Victoria so Billy can hurt her again?  Dylan is worried that Stitch is the one who will get hurt.   Dylan admits Vic said  Stitch does make her feel better.  Stitch appreciates that Dylan is in a tough position because he’s friends with everybody and Victoria is his sister, but Stitch is not backing off because he thinks she’s done with Billy, and he can’t think of anything that will change her mind.  Except for that pregnancy test that she’s holding in her hand right now.

[PatsyandEddie]

So much win in your recaps peach! i look forward to them every day ( no pressure ).   Stitch needs to pound Billy into the ground, Abby needs a sock in her mouth and Chloe needs to sign herself into Fairview STAT! 

[marshmallow]

"Gutter love. It never dies."

 

That needs to go on a T-shirt.

[pearlite]

Hotdogitis!

 

Kind of a chronic thing in Genoa City?

[photo fox]

Peach, your recaps give me life.

[Joimiaroxeu]

Leslie says she’s made some choices lately that have made her pretty unpopular. 

I'd say the iridescent blue dress she had on yesterday was one of them. Fug. Ly.

 

Abby tells Victoria, “the only thing complicating it is your refusal to honor it.”

I don't recall, did Sister Mary Abigail ever lecture Billy about breaking his wedding vows?

 

Kelly blurts out the only reason Victoria has anything to do with him is because she doesn’t know the truth!  Well, then tell her!

So what did Stitch do, park in a red zone? Put his recyling in the wrong container? File his taxes late? Geez, writers, get on with it. The way they're trying to build up the suspense, whatever it turns out to be is almost guaranteed to be a let down.

 

Tyler says he already had Leslie draw one up.

Smooth move by Tyler. Abby probably won't sign his prenup and he'll have open reign on her money after they're married. With that "surprise" ending, I see getting blackmailed in his future and he's gonna need the funds.

 

“Not until I say what I have to say.”  Ugh, he’s tiresome.

Billy is pathetic. If he believes so strongly in his and Victoria's endless love, why does he have to keep whining to Stitch?

 

Stitch is not backing off because he thinks she’s done with Billy, and he can’t think of anything that will change her mind.  Except for that pregnancy test that she’s holding in her hand right now.

Did anyone try to scan that QR code on Victoria's pregnancy kit box? For a prop it sure was realistic.

 

Gutter love.  It never dies.

Heh, wasn't that a Steve Miller song?

 

Abby and Tyler must be slumming.

No kidding, it looked like the No Tell Motel. "We welcome all one-hour quickies and stalkers who look like rich people's dead children."

 

Stitch appreciates that Dylan is in a tough position because he’s friends with everybody and Victoria is his sister, but Stitch is not backing off because he thinks she’s done with Billy, and he can’t think of anything that will change her mind.

Are these people in high school because this sounds like some GCHS dramaz involving a cheerleader, a couple of jocks from the football team, and her muscular but slightly slow half-brother who the team lets serve as their water boy.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Joimiaroxeu

[PatsyandEddie]

I don't remember whether Abby gave Billy shit or not. Probably not since no one wants to hurt his feelings. They all think Vicki should give him a pass because, well, it's Billy. He always fucks up.

[peacheslatour]

You know, I think I'll give up watching this show and just read peach's re-caps- they're much more entertaining!

[marshmallow]

 

So what did Stitch do, park in a red zone? Put his recyling in the wrong container? File his taxes late? Geez, writers, get on with it. The way they're trying to build up the suspense, whatever it turns out to be is almost guaranteed to be a let down.

The writers haven't figured it out yet, I'm sure!

[LeftPhalange]

 

Leslie says she’s made some choices lately that have made her pretty unpopular.

 

Dylan and Avery can shut their asses up. Especially Avery. Hypocrite. 

 

 

Stitch says he’s lost everything and finally has a chance for happiness.  “Please don’t take that way, Kelly.”

 

Ew. Please stop begging and acting desperate. 

[peach]

"Gutter love. It never dies."

 

That needs to go on a T-shirt.

 

Codependency is forever! I was laughing out loud when Billy spewed out what a colossal loser he is as his epic love story. The look on Stitch's face was hysterical.  Honestly, I'm not quite sure if the writers weren't making a little joke there, self-parody.  If so, it was funny.  If not, it was still funny.  Or maybe Billy's strategy is to make Victoria seem like an idiot.  lol

 

 I notice that in his catalog of sins, Billy left out cheating with Kelly and killing Victoria's brother.  I guess those are encompassed in "OVERWHELMING STUPIDITY."  But of course, Kelly is why she actually threw him out.

I'd say the iridescent blue dress she had on yesterday was one of them. Fug. Ly.

 

It's weird what you start noticing when you're recapping this thing line by line practically.  Everyone has been wearing royal blue all the time lately.  Everyone black, that is.  Hilary is ALWAYS wearing it, and now Leslie, and even Tyler had a blue checkered shirt on.  I did like the shirt.  Esmerelda had on royal blue and black stripes.  Enough. 

People (from this episode) who need to STFU:

Kelly to Stitch

Abby to everyone

Billy (always)

 

Punched In The Throat can only go to one, though, and that's Abby for what she said to Victoria.  If you didn't see it, her tone of voice was the extra icing on the cake.

Edited April 30, 2014 by peach

[photo fox]

 I notice that in his catalog of sins, Billy left out cheating with Kelly and killing Victoria's brother.  I guess those are encompassed in "OVERWHELMING STUPIDITY."

 

This literally made me laugh out loud. My office-mate is looking at me like I'm crazy.

 

"Overwhelming stupidity" is the new "yada yada".

 

"I took Vicky's brother for a car ride, there was some overwhelming stupidity, and we don't see him anymore." "Kelly moved to town and befriended Vick and me, we were overwhelmingly stupid, and now Victoria doesn't want anything to do with either of us."

[peacheslatour]

IKR?  That sanctimonious crap about vows was unhinged.  How about going all over town buck nekkid?  In front of your grandparents?  Yeah, that all kinds of virtuous.  Talk about being on your high horse.  Ha ha.

 

"I took Vicky's brother for a car ride, there was some overwhelming stupidity, and we don't see him anymore." "Kelly moved to town and befriended Vick and me, we were overwhelmingly stupid, and now Victoria doesn't want anything to do with either of us."

Didn't even mention the bisque.

[peach]

This literally made me laugh out loud. My office-mate is looking at me like I'm crazy.

 

"Overwhelming stupidity" is the new "yada yada".

 

"I took Vicky's brother for a car ride, there was some overwhelming stupidity, and we don't see him anymore." "Kelly moved to town and befriended Vick and me, we were overwhelmingly stupid, and now Victoria doesn't want anything to do with either of us."

 I'm laughing with tears in my eyes, photo fox.

 

Edited April 30, 2014 by peach

[Snaporaz]

 

You know, I think I'll give up watching this show and just read peach's re-caps- they're much more entertaining!

I did consider doing this, just to get 40 minutes of my life back every day.  But I think you really need to watch the show to truly appreciate peach's genius for descriptives.  Yes, "Esme cocks her head like a confused Labrador" is funny on its own, but when you actually see Esme cock her head like a confused Labrador before you read the recap, it's laugh-out-loud hilarious and makes the 40 minutes you spend watching the show worthwhile!  

[peacheslatour]

You are right Snaporaz, peach's descriptions are so spot on it really is good to be able to picture the scene from seeing the show.

[crosby777]

 

I think the most wasted character award should go to Noah.

Sadly, I agree. What a waste. They have never been able to find a spot for Noah since he was a kid character. FAIL FAIL FAIL

[peach]

Wed Apr 30
Victoria stares at the pregnancy test kit and has a flashback to when she and Billy were in bed.  Then she has a flashback to making out with Stitch.  We can see the problem.  Nikki calls and asks her to meet her at the club, because it’s important.  Victoria puts the pregnancy test in a drawer because the show just started.

 

Billy cannot believe Chloe is asking to have a baby with him.  She says, “it’s not like I’m asking you to open a meth lab, or fly to Mars with me.”  Billy thinks that would be more reasonable.  There’s a lot of money in meth.  Listen, Chloe, if Billy thinks it’s a bad idea…it’s a really bad idea.  Chloe insists that it’s a great idea because they already did it once, they already created “the most perfect, amazing child ever.” Billy says, yes, but they can’t recreate her like some kind of science project!  But we CAN, Chloe insists, because it has to be genetics for two screwups to make such a great kid.  Apparently Delia was composed entirely of recessive genes.   “My off-the-wall, unpredictable, creative genes, with your intelligent, and funny, and sexy smile genes , they came together and they made the most singular and perfect person ever.”  Just call them Mary and Joseph from now on, folks.   Billy doesn’t think that’s how genetics work, and says and they cannot make a new Delia.  He says she’s not thinking clearly, but she thinks she’s

FINALLY thinking clearly, and that this can make the holes in their hearts go away.  Billy looks like he thinks the hole is in her head.

 

Victor is telling a henchman that he was supposed  to make sure  his granddaughter’s double did not return.  He says they put her on a plane, but Victor says she’s returned and now his son knows everything.  “But don’t worry about it now, K?” This guy is totally going to be fed to sharks.  Victor says she can’t do any more damage at this point, and it’s up to him to find out Sharon’s secret that is somehow connected to Phyllis.  Once he finds it out, then all his actions will be justified.  On Planet Victor, I guess.  “And then your son will forgive you?” says Henchman.  He must watch this show.  Victor says he doesn’t give a damn if his son forgives him.  “I don’t give a damn if my whole family forgives me, K?”  He knows he’s right and he’s doing this to help them.  Once they find out what Sharon’s secret is, they’ll all be grateful to him.  Again, he doesn’t get that it’s possible to hate Sharon and Victor AT THE SAME TIME.

 

Sharon and Nick look at Cassie’s picture, and Sharon can’t get over how Victor could dishonor Cassie like that.  Nick clenches his jaw and says don’t get him started.   Sharon talks about how Victor was around when Cassie died and how horrible it is that he would use this like that.  Nick says he just wants to break them up, and his plan backfired (as always) and nothing will keep them apart, not even this phony lookalike.  “About Mariah…”says Sharon.  Nick says she’s out of their lives.  Sharon says, um…maybe not, with that expression you give your husband when you went ahead and bought that furniture.

 

Tyler wants to know what Mariah is doing there and if she’s following him.  She says, “Don’t flatter yourself, I got the message when you told me you and your Million Dollar Baby were tying the knot.”  Maria thinks Abby must have called it off and that’s why he’s staying at this crappy motel.  She does the Neil Winters move –in, and says he must have been a bad, bad boy, and lucky for him she likes bad boys.  She’s stroking his vest.  He has on two vests, which I cannot explain.  He tells her to cut the crap because she knows damn well he checked in with Abby.  He says what were you planning, to listen in for a cheap thrill?  His phone rings, and she says that must be YOUR cheap thrill, checking on you.  Ha!  She has Abby pegged, because of course, she is checking on him while he’s GETTING ICE.  Mariah says should you tell her where you are, or should I?  (He’s two feet from the door)

 

Abby’s on the phone in her underwear asking if he went to Alaska to get the ice.  He pretends the ice machine is broken.  She’s like forget the ice.  Mariah asks if he’s afraid she’ll cancel his credit cards if she finds out he’s hooking up with her.  Yo, he is NOT hooking up with Mariah, and she is out of his life.  She says you know you think about us and how great it was.  He says, right, you cheated on me, which Perfect Abby would never do, she’s honest and faithful and everything Mariah isn’t.  Mariah says he’s right.  “She’s nothing like me.  And she’s not like you, either.”  Mariah says she knows all Ty’s secrets..but does Abby?  Of course not.

 

Sharon tells Nick she went to Mariah’s hotel to find out if she knew anything about The Secret.  She says Mariah is afraid of Victor, and Nick says, “She should be afraid of ME.”  Competitive to the end.  Sharon told Mariah they would help her.  Nick is like…Sharon.  This girl tried to drive you crazy and caused you to get ECT.  Sharon says it was Victor’s idea, but Nick’s like he didn’t hold a gun to her head.  But Nick didn’t see the sadness in her eyes, like Sharon did.  “In Cassie’s eyes,” she says.  SHE ISN’T CASSIE, Nick tells her.  This girl couldn’t be less like their daughter if she tried.  Sharon says Mariah is super sorry and is a victim of Victor, too.  Nick says he doesn’t want to fight over it, but he wants her to promise to stay away from Mariah.  Instead of promising, Sharon SUDDENLY remembers she has to get Faith from soccer practice.  Nick is going to see Noah and they will all meet up for dinner and an announcement that Shick is back on 4evah.

 

Noah is with Summer at the coffee shop and is pissed that he just got a ticket at the parking meter.  40 bucks, you guys!!  Gosh, wonder what he’s going to do about that.  Summer is wearing Genoa City Royal Blue because they got a discount on the fabric.  Victor calls Summer and wants to see her ASAP.  Henchman asks Victor what’s up with that, and he says he can’t ask Summer’s mother about The Secret, so he needs her help.  Nikki’s right, Victor is like Ian Ward.

 

Chloe tells Billy she’s not crazy.  He says, no, you’re grieving, we both are, but we can’t replace DeeDee.  Chloe says Delia taught them what life was all about.  She gave them purpose for living, and she misses it.  She thinks them having a baby will give that back. He says, Chloe, he has a child.  She’s like, sure with Victoria, but Johnny’s not mine.  Totally doesn’t count as the singular perfect person.  Billy is like, NO, he can’t because he loves Victoria.  Chloe says, “I don’t want your love.  I just want your sperm.”  Billy squints even harder than usual.

 

He says is THAT why you’re here??  To get a specimen??  He says this is insane, even for her. They can’t mix their genes, and BAM, get a clone.  She says he’s twisting her words, and he says it’s her words that are twisted.  She starts crying about how much pain she’s in.  Billy says she needs HELP, obviously more than what she’s getting.  She cries and says she just needs a baby, and if she doesn’t get one she won’t be able to go on anymore.  Billy looks tearful.

 

Some guy named Milton runs into Nikki at the club.  He is obviously smitten over how amazing and radiant she is.  She asks if his wife is still in Europe, and they have some bizarre comical conversation about how he wants her to run away with him to an exotic beach, even though he’s just an accountant.  I guess this is some silly crush she indulges.  Okay, writers.  She says he has to leave because Victoria just arrived.  Vic asks if Milton was hitting on her again, like this is a thing.  Nikki says he’s harmless, but Vic says he left her the key to his hotel room!  Nikki’s like, yeah, that’s MY key and why we have to talk.  Oh no, says Victoria, what’s Dad done now? Nikki goes on about  how long she’s loved Victor and how many times she’s forgiven him, but he’s crossed the line this time. 

 

Noah’s on the phone with Courtney.  “Come on, baby,” he says, trying to get her to make  his ticket go away, with sex bribes.  Courtney’s by the book, I guess, and he’s going to have to reach in that trust fund for 40 dollars.  She’ll never make it as a Newman.  Nick walks in.  Noah asks how his mom is, and Nick says fine…she has been all along. 

 

Tyler took so damn long, Abby’s dressed again.  He starts making excuses, and she’s like, no, she’s not upset with him, haha, the one time he WAS with Mariah, but Nick called and needs to talk to her right away about their dad. She tells him to keep the bed warm, and she’ll be back.  Bad advice, Abby.  She needs to get rid of that stupid clutch!

 

Summer is at the ranch.  She says she saw Ian at Crimson Lights, and had to interrupt him conning her idiot friend Esmerelda.  Victor says he’s proud of her for standing up for herself…and, um, heeeey, how’s her mother, btw?  She says there’s no change, but she would give anything for her to wake up.  Victor says, “So would I.”

 

Nikki has told Victoria during the commercials.  They talk about how disgusting it all was, especially concerning Faith.  Victoria’s like, Sharon could have a secret like charging up her credit cards.  Nikki says nothing could justify what Victor did, using Cassie especially, and remembers the last time they saw her in the hospital.  She thought Adam’s death had changed him, and he would really stop controlling the children but it was all lies.  Victoria says, “Listen, I’m not defending him, I’m not…” and then defends him saying he only torments people to protect The Family.  Nikki says he’s gone too far this time.  Victoria says she’ll find a way to forgive him like she always does, and Nikki thinks Victoria must want her to.  Vic says, well, you expect me to forgive Billy for cheating on me (that one single time when he was grief stricken over Delia, so that’s equivalent).  Nikki notices she hasn’t taken that advice and is mixing it up with Stitch.  Psssht, she and Stitch are JUST FRIENDS.  And also he might have gotten her preggers.  But Billy will always be in her life because of their child, just like Victor will be in Nikki’s.

 

At least Abby can be counted on to be judgmental.  She tells Nick what Victor did is SICK.  Nick says it was to keep Nick and Sharon apart, and to uncover some Secret Sharon is hiding.  Noah can’t believe his grandpa would really do that to him and to Faith.   Nick says he’ll do anything to get what he wants and doesn’t care who he hurts in the process.

 

Like Summer, who is pouring tea for Victor right now.  She says she’s kind of surprised that he would care how Phyllis is doing since he’s not her biggest fan.  “But sweetheart, she’s your mother, of course I’m concerned about her.”  Summer says it’s hard, and Victor says this must be a confusing time for her., so no wonder she popped energy pills.  Summer says that was a dumb move.  Victor says everyone makes dumb moves when they’re vulnerable…like NICK!  He turned back to Sharon after Avery dumped him.  Summer’s like Sharon’s great for dad, and she’s a great friend to Summer herself, that she’s even like a surrogate mother to her, while never trying to take the place of Phyllis.  Oh, sweetheart, you don’t need SHARON, you have Victor.  Same with Nick.  No one needs Sharon when they can lean on Victor.  He can fulfill all their needs.  Summer asks if there’s something he’s not telling her.  Victor says if someone hurts his family, they won’t ever get away with it.

 

Shirtless Tyler is relaxing on the bed when Mariah just walks right in. This is one crappy motel.  Tyler jumps up, mortified.  She’s like, I saw Abby leave, did she go somewhere to roll in a pile of money?  He says she had a family emergency.  Oh, and didn’t take YOU? Mariah goads.  She says Tyler will NEVER be a part of that family, and he better get out while he can.  Tyler loves Abby and is going to marry her, Mariah.  She’s like her old man is one bad dude, and maybe he likes Tyler now, but he’ll turn on him in a second.  She’s seen what happens to people who dare to love one of his precious kids, and it’s scary stuff.  He’s like how do you know anything about Victor Newman?

 

She says she had time to do research while Tyler ignored her for so long. He tells her to get used to it, because he found someone who makes him happy.  A million dollars will do that, says Mariah.  Tyler says Abby’s money has NOTHING to do with it, and Mariah’s like, right, sayingTyler is just that country club bimbo’s pet project, and he LOVES it, her spending  on him to make him all shiny and civilized.  Tyler smiles and says Mariah’s looking a little green.  She’s like, me, jealous of some bored heiress making him her cause?  Tyler is like SHUT UP, so she kisses him.  And he seems to like it quite a bit.

 

He pushes her off though, and says he’s not interested and to give it up.  She CAN’T.  SHE LOVES HIM.  He says she doesn’t even know what that means.  “It means I only want to be with you, and only you, all the time!”  He says, NO, it’s when you put the other person first, which she can never do.  Like when she cheated on him.  “OMG!” she screams. “ONE MISTAKE and you’re going to hold it against me FOREVER??”  I think Mariah might have borderline personality disorder.  He says, fine, I forgive you, now, GET OUT!  Mariah’s upset.  He says, “PLEASE, Mariah, if you ever gave a damn about me, go back to LA and let me get on with my life.”  Well, no matter what, Mariah has other business there, so she’s not leaving.  He says then stay away from Abby.  “The last thing I need is for her to find out you’re around before I can tell her.”  Tyler, you have two vests, at least play your cards close to one of them.  Mariah says Abby won’t find out from her…while leaving an “M” bracelet under the edge of the bed for Abby to find.  She storms out.

 

Abby can’t believe that there’s a person out there that would pretend to be someone’s dead child.  Omg, this is going to be great.  Nick says she’s still in town.  “If I ever run into her,” says Abby, “I will rip her face off for what she did to you guys and Faith.”   She has to go meet Tyler, but thanks Nick for keeping her in the ugly loop.  Noah is upset.  He’s like who does this??  NOW Nick says this trick’s name is Mariah.  Nick is like this is all on your grandpa, but his plan backfired because it brought Shick back together.

 

Sharon tells Faith that they are ordering pizza and Daddy and Noah are coming,and they have lots to celebrate.

 

Billy is gentle with Chloe because he knows she misses Delia, but says this is not the answer. She says she needs a baby.  He says talk to Kevin, her husband, about it. She says she and Kevin are married in name only, and she doesn’t love him. Billy says he DOES love Victoria.  Chloe just wants a donor.  He says he doesn’t want to hurt Chloe, but he if decides to have another baby, it’s going to be with Victoria. Who isn’t insane and is probably already pregnant.

 

Victoria gets home and opens up the pregnancy test.

 

Abby is at the motel telling Tyler the whole story.  He says he knows Victor is cold, but wow. Abby is like what kind of person is this imposter.  Tyler says some people will do anything for money. He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.   Abby is also very bummed that her dad did this.  She says she has a sucky father, and he says join the club.  But Abby says he’s not like either one of their sucky fathers.  They kiss, and Abby says she doesn’t want to think about her screwed up family , and they get to it.  The bracelet is still on the floor.

 

Happy Family time at the cottage.  Noah, Faith, and Nick kick the soccer ball around, and Sharon comes in and quotes the Brady Bunch.  Squee!  She says what did I tell you guys about playing ball in the house?  More sentimental stuff that is either adorable or disgusting depending on your perspective.  Noah apologizes for not believing Sharon.  She understands, and says it’s all great because she has her life and her family and no one can take that away from her.

 

Victor tells Summer no matter what she hears, anything he did was to protect Nick, and she says, Grandpa, they’re happy, leave them alone.  She leaves, and Nikki comes in, she says just to pack a suitcase because she’s staying at the club.  Victor is pissed!  “I built this house for you.  For YOU!  After that pyromaniac Sharon burned it down.  Have you forgotten???”  She says what  Sharon did was because she was sick, and what Victor did is because he’s an asshole.  He says she’ll find out one day how it was all absolutely justified!  Victor’s disappointed in Nikki.  LOL  He’s in disbelief because she’s his WIFE, he was counting on her support and understanding. Well she doesn’t understand how he could hurt their children.  That wasn’t his intention, and she’s like well, you’re stupid.  He yells that he will be proved right and then she will forgive him. “But the question is..will I forgive you?”  Umm…no?

 

Happy Family eating pizza in the cottage.  Nick announces Shick is 4Evah.  Faith is excited and Noah agrees with Faith.  There is joy and dork dancing.

 

Chloe sits in the coffee shop and sadly looks at pictures of Delia…and Billy.  Billy is in his office and sadly looks at his phone.  He calls Victoria but gets her voice mail and hangs up.  Victoria makes a doctor appt to confirm her pregnancy.  So this is alllll connected.

 

And that’s all folks!

[peacheslatour]

Oh peach, there aren't enough likes in the world!  Bless your black heart, I love your recaps!

[Joimiaroxeu]

Gosh, wonder what he’s going to do about that.

he’s going to have to reach in that trust fund for 40 dollars.

Yeah, especially since the poor boy doesn't have job. Where oh where will he ever get the money to pay his bills? But really, does Noah have access to his trust fund yet? The last thing I remember is that he couldn't get it until he was 25. That's why he had to go to work for Nick at the bar and live in a crappy apartment.

 

Victor says, “So would I.”

Creepy McCreepster Victor has no shame. Now he's trying to figure out how to creep on a woman in a coma.

 

torments people to protect The Family.

Well then, we should all just start calling him Heisenberg. He is the one who knocks!

 

I think Mariah might have borderline personality disorder. 

A day or so ago it was Victor who might have BPD. Is there a theme developing here?

 

Sharon tells Faith that they are ordering pizza and Daddy and Noah are coming,and they have lots to celebrate.

That was slick the way Sharon got the phone away from Faith so she'd forget about calling grandpa Victor to brag about her soccer goal. For her next magical trick she'll pull a quarter out of Faith's ear.

 

Victoria. Who isn’t insane and is probably already pregnant.

With Stitch's baby. Taking all bets, cash on the barrelhead.

 

Victor tells Summer no matter what she hears, anything he did was to protect Nick

So Summer's the one he decided to cull from the herd? Why not Abby? They're both airheads.

 

Chloe sits in the coffee shop and sadly looks at pictures of Delia…and Billy.  Billy is in his office and sadly looks at his phone.  He calls Victoria but gets her voice mail and hangs up.  Victoria makes a doctor appt to confirm her pregnancy.  So this is alllll connected.

Yeah, Chloe will probably kidnap little Johnny next. Because Billy and Victoria are getting a new baby while she doesn't have even one. Wah, wah, wah. It's so not fair! Straitjacket? No! It doesn't match this cute outfit I got at Lauren's new boutique. Friends and family discount. Don't I look hot? Mr. DeMille, I'm ready now. NO WIRE COATHANGERS EVER!!!!