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ElectricBoogaloo

The Good Quotes

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From "The Burrito"  

Tahani:  "The whole point of the afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me and yet even in this scenario you are still talking about Camila.  Which is exactly the point."

 

Shawn: “All of these reports of their torture are completely fake?”

Michael: “A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.”

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Shawn: And since it seems you love humans so much, I’ll torture you like one. All you’ll have for entertainment is that giant stack of New Yorker magazines.

Michael: Oh come on. You and I both know I’ll never read those.

Shawn: Of course you won’t, but they’ll just. Keep. Coming. *evil laugh*

Edited by bethy
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My favorite from when Michael is asking about things that get you in the bad place:

 

”Have you ever paid money to see a band from California called The Red Hot Chili Peppers?” 

 

Also Eleanor calling Janet “Busty Alexa”

 

Please post more Bad Janet quotes folks!

Edited by Robertpetry
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On 9/30/2016 at 12:05 PM, Lugal said:

Michael (on suspenders): So dumb!  So much dumber than belts!

Okay, I'm two years late on this but I particularly love this because I've actually listened to a podcast about how inferior inventions triumphed over superior ones (VHS v Betamax, etc.) and suspenders actually are the better method for holding up your pants. A belt is basically a tourniquet around your body.

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Chidi: "What's the secret? Is the secret more books? How many more books do I need?"

I think Chidi might actually be my soulmate. The secret is always more books.

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"If we're married, legally you can't arrest me. Plus, bonus, you get half the stuff I stole."

"Yep, he just confessed to the robbery."

"Damn it!"

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On 9/28/2018 at 1:50 PM, snowwhyte said:

Chidi: "What's the secret? Is the secret more books? How many more books do I need?"

I think Chidi might actually be my soulmate. The secret is always more books.

Is that you, Hermione? 

(I say that as someone who loves books and the Harry Potter series!)

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6 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Is that you, Hermione? 

(I say that as someone who loves books and the Harry Potter series!)

Well, I may not be the Hermione but I was definitely a Hermione at school. Luckily, I was able to chill out somewhat as an adult although when I commented to a friend that I thought I was fairly laid back they laughed so maybe I'm not as chill as I thought.

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On 10/1/2018 at 6:40 PM, BobH said:

"If we're married, legally you can't arrest me. Plus, bonus, you get half the stuff I stole."

"Yep, he just confessed to the robbery."

"Damn it!"

"K" the cop's partner on the radio:  That was easy

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Janet: "Humans only live like 80 years and they spend most of that time waiting for things to be over!"

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"Dick Tracy called. He said you're a buttface and he's been plowing your mom."

"Hey, well, Dick Tracy called me, too, first, and he said he was about to call you and say a lie about me that was actually true about you instead."
 

I love Trevor and Michael's very different but equally wrong misunderstanding of how that joke works.

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Simone: Great news, everyone. The funding from the neuroscience department came through.

Jason: Oh! And you blew it all on cupcakes? Exactly what I would have done. Respect.

Simone: Eleanor?

Eleanor: Uh, I'm good. I try to avoid pointless group activities, you know? Like office Christmas parties or jury duty. To me, the single most awful sound in the universe is that mangled opening note of your co-worker singing "Happy Birthday. "

Simone: Cool stance. Counterpoint: these are delicious, free cupcakes. Get over yourself and eat one. 

 

Eleanor: I get that we all have meaningful lives outside this study. Well, Tahani and Chidi do. Jason and I are straight trash. 

 

Eleanor: Is that why you came out here? To scold me about the metric system?

Simone: No, I was about to call a cab myself. I have an early class tomorrow. Then, I saw my friend hiding behind a plant, and I got concerned. Then, my friend lashed out at me again, so I'm gonna take off, and uh, leave her here with dirty leaves in her hair. 

 

Michael: Serious question

Janet: Yeah.

Michael: Should we kill them? What? It might work! We kill them, go back through the door, somehow grab them before they get to the Bad Place, and regroup from there. I could kill them right now. You know, it would be easy. Their bodies are very poorly made. They're mostly goo and juice. You just take the juice out, and then they're dead. 

 

Chidi: This broke me. The dot over the "i." That broke me. I'm - I'm done. 

 

Eleanor: I'm outtie. See you in hell. You know what I just realized? I always say that when leaving a room, but right now it's accurate. I will literally see all of you in hell.

Jason: Not if I see you first!

I'm just so proud of Jason for using that correctly. 

 

Drug Dealer: I'm just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird!

 

Tahani: Hello, madam, are you poor? Here's $5,000 for a new stroller. Have a nice day!

Jason: You don't have to say the "are you poor?" part.

 

Banker: We're technically supposed to shut down the bank if anyone from Florida even walks in.

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"Dude, we can get mythical animals? Maybe I'll get a penguin."

"Penguins are real."

"That's the spirit, Eleanor. They're real to me too."
 

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On 10/5/2018 at 2:41 PM, Charlesman said:

“Blake Bortles is kind of okay, maybe? I don’t know, it’s being debated among experts.”

How did it take me until now to realize that was said by an all-knowing, all-seeing judge?

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"This is how I always got out of escape rooms. If you break enough stuff they open the door and kick you out."

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Michael: If you eat anything in this IHOP you will literally explode.
Jason: Yeah, I know. It's IHOP.
[Elinor and Jason high five]

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John: What's the craziest secret celebrity hook up?

Janet: Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, on and off for years. 

~

Chidi: Uh-oh. Michael looks like me. That's bad.

~

Tahani: Eleanor, Michael. It is I, Tahani!

Eleanor: Yeah, we know, babe.

~

Tahani: But this is awful. You two won't be together anymore. I haven't met a more perfect couple since I set up Drake with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

~

Eleanor: The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork blork of all time. Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail. 

~

Chidi: I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.

Eleanor: Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you. You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.

Chidi: I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are -

Eleanor: It's not a joke! I'm a legit snack!

Chidi: - But I believe in you.  I am not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here, taking care of me.

Eleanor: I wish we had more time together.

Chidi: Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this. And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the "i" forever.

Eleanor: Right. We'll be okay. We found each other before hundreds of times. We can do it again. Bye, Chidi. 

Edited by bettername2come
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From the Bad Place web series “The Selection” leading up to season 4

Val: Joseph Stalin?

Shawn: No.

Bambadjan: Ooh, what about Joseph Stalin?

Shawn: Wait, Val just said that.

Bambadjan: Yeah, but I wasn’t listening because she’s a woman.

Shawn: Oh, good point.  Wait, why was I listening?

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On 9/15/2019 at 8:38 PM, Lugal said:

Another from the Selection:

"Which Hitler?  Adolf or Steve?"

"Either one really. They both stink..."

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Michael Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original Neighbourhood?

Jason : Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"?

Michael: No.

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Jason Michael said there's nothing he could say that would make you realize he's really him, but Janet does have a thing she can say that does make me realize she is really not her.

Eleanor : What?

[though that doesn't do justice to Jason's weird word emphasis]

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Tahani : Of course. Though, I'd never serve finger sandwiches at a lake house.  I mean, what am I, Welsh?

Eleanor : Are you? I don't know. No, right?

[I have an odd affection for that "what am I, [blank]?" joke construction, I use it all the time, in the most inappropriate circumstances, and Tahani delivered it perfectly]

Edited by BobH
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Bad Janet :  Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with people than you have. And I know literally everything that every one of them has ever done. Do you know what's happening right now on Earth? Wars. Murders. Women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children. Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charging cable shape again. Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble. To quote a terrible song by a terrible musician that people love so much they constantly put it in terrible movie trailers: humans are b-b-b-b-bad to the bone.

Michael : Well, I think that they're g-g-g-good sometimes. And you should give them the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt.
 

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29 minutes ago, BobH said:

Bad Janet :  Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with people than you have. And I know literally everything that every one of them has ever done. Do you know what's happening right now on Earth? Wars. Murders. Women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children. Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charging cable shape again. Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble. To quote a terrible song by a terrible musician that people love so much they constantly put it in terrible movie trailers: humans are b-b-b-b-bad to the bone.

Michael : Well, I think that they're g-g-g-good sometimes. And you should give them the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt.
 

This was the absolute peak of that episode BY FAR.

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Michael : But don't forget, there's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in "Friends." Are you going to sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel. And Monica and Joey. And definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?

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Michael She makes Neutral Janet look like Disco Janet. Disco Janet was around for a while years ago. She was great. I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.
 

disco janet.jpg

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Shawn: Look, I put forward a proposal. Are you not even going to negotiate?

Good Place Committee member: He's got a point. The fair thing for us to do is just keep on giving up more and more stuff we want unilaterally until this demon's finally happy.

Michael: Fork this.

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Jason: Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself, because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head, and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor.

Chidi: Against all odds, I know what you mean, and I got to give it up. That was... that was good.

Jason: Yeah, it was. Chess... mate.
 

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Megan: Why do we need a new system? Torture works. It's the way it's always been done.
Tahani: With all due respect, "it's the way it's always been done" is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years to justify racism, misogyny
Steve: Exactly. See? This chick gets it.

Chidi: So these computers have access to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place, and the three of us have a very important job.
Eleanor: To find out which former U. S. presidents were secretly gay. 
Chidi: No. 
Eleanor: Okay, fine, bi.
Chidi: Sure, but also while Michael is trying to get the architects trained, we're supposed to find the first thousand humans to take the test - people who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship?
Jason: I think we just start with the gimmes, the very best people who ever lived. So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so we can wish for infinity people. 
Chidi: Jason-
Jason: Sure, throw me in there, too. Also Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive. Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone!

Eleanor: I love you, okay?
Chidi: Oh. The words are nice, but the tone is scary.

Megan: This all sounds so lame.
Michael: No, it's the current system that's lame. It's so basic. You get a human's file, and let's be honest, you never even read it. You just skip to the fears and phobias section and use that to torture them. Fear of snakes, throw them in a snake pit. Worried something's going to happen to your normal cylindrical penis, flatten it.

Vicky: First I need to get into Tahani's headspace. 'Ello, love. Pish-posh. Tuna and pickles. I once played billiards with Questlove and Olivia Munn.

Eleanor: Whew. Just finished reading up about James Buchanan. Definitely at least a little bi.

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I wanted to get a rewards card, any rewards card.

realman.thumb.JPG.a54993be6cc5f21576907891f1b382d3.JPG

I wanted to talk briefly to someone and then say, "Take it sleazy."
 

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Chidi: 

Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave.

And then it crashes in the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. You know it's one conception of death for Buddhists: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be

Jason:

 It wasn't like I heard a bell ring or anything. I just suddenly had this calm feeling. Like the air inside my lungs was suddenly the air outside my body. It was peaceful.

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Chidi: Shakespeare went through the door.
Eleanor: Really?
Chidi: Yeah. Everyone's talking about it.
Eleanor: It's probably for the best. His last 4,000 plays were not nearly as good as the ones he wrote on Earth. I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2: Here We Blow Again?" Woof

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"This is Tuesdays... and also July. And sometimes it's never. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy timeline is the time-moment when nothing never occurs. So... you get it."

"This broke me. The dot over the i. That broke me. I'm... I'm done."

Man, dot just seems to come earlier every Bearimy...

bearimy.thumb.jpg.1636955031a36d7e71de3fe23e56753f.jpg

Edited by BobH
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