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Magical Quotes: Hell Is Real and It Smells Like Axe Body Spray

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Penny: Less talking, no touching.

Eliot: Hedge witches. Sad, desperate. One of them offered to blow me for a spell. It was barely worth it.

Quentin: Phosphormancy, bitches!

Quentin: I'm a nothing-mancer.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Orderly Penny: I believe you, Quentin. You are a magician. A very bad one.
[Orderly Penny grabs Quentin's hand to reveal the drugs he palmed]
Quentin: One thing is real. You're always a raging dick.

Dr. London: Music is a way for us to express and receive feeling in a way that is safe and fun and sometimes illuminating. So who'd like to begin?
Orderly Penny: Oh, gawd, please, not that one song.
Quentin: I stay out too late, got nothing in my brain, at least that's what people say. I go on too many dates but I can't make them stay, at least that's what people say. But I keep cruising, can't stop, won't moving, it's like I got this music in my mind saying it's gonna be alright. Causes the players gonna play, play, play, play, play and the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. I shake it off, I shake it off. I never miss a beat. I'm lightning on my feet. And that's what they don't see. That's what they don't see. I'm dancing on my own. I make the moves up as I go.
[Penny leaves]
Quentin: Hey, Penny, good luck getting that out of your head.

Dr. Fogg: I hear you were a hit at music therapy today, Quentin.

Orderly Penny: Please be knowing that dinner will be served in five minutes, and today we are to be serving chicken curry, which is, of course, my favorite!
Real Penny: You racist motherfucker!

Dean Fogg: Quentin, do you really think that the magic that we teach means that you just get to fly above right and wrong? Magic does not solve problems.
Quentin: It magnifies them. I know that too, believe me. I don't need to be taught what magic is or isn't. I need to be taught magic, so that I can decide what it is or isn't - for me.
Dean Fogg: That was almost well put.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Quentin: What's going to happen to Julia?
Dean Fogg: Ah, yes. Your hedge witch friend. I'm going to kill her.
[Quentin sputters]
Dean Fogg: I'm fucking with you, Quentin.

Margo: [Alice's aunt Genji] runs a retreat. It's like Camp David for magicians.
Eliot: If Camp David was run by Caligula.
[Alice stares at Eliot]
Eliot: I mean that in the best way.

Quentin: How could you know about all of this and become a podiatrist?
Eliot: This isn't Middle Earth, Quentin. There aren't enough noble quests to go around.

Margo: It's supposed to be a surprise but I like ruining things.

Quentin's dad: By the time you were ten years old, I couldn't sit through one more card trick. But if that's what makes the world bearable to you, then go off and do card tricks. Don't try to be something you're not. You're studying what now? Finance? You really a finance guy?
Quentin: I'm not a kid anymore.
Quentin's dad: Sure, yeah. Dump out that bag. Go on, dump it out. I'll give you twenty bucks right now if there isn't a Fillory book in there.

Margo: A great way to get the things you want is to be so miserable you don't want them anymore.
Quentin: What kind of system is that? Why can't it run on love? Or cocaine?

Dean Fogg: It's on the first page of your first textbook, Quentin. "As magicians, we are the instrument and the means, we are the chisel and the marble."
Quentin: I read it.
Dean Fogg: But you didn't listen, did you?

Kady: Looks like Game of Thrones fan art.
Penny: Super helpful.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Quentin: You were in Fillory. Did you see any animals? Did they talk to you?
Penny: I was in a dungeon, you hobbit loving freak.
Quentin: There are no hobbits in Fillory.

Penny: Okay, fanboy. Tell me what it says in the books about not getting my face eaten by the beast.
Quentin: The beast isn't in the books. The books were written for kids so maybe they skipped the monster that rips out people's eyes. I don't know!

Quentin: That's a pretty acrobatic form of denial.

Kady: My dad's kind of embarrassing. He wears Birkenstocks and he sells weed, but he likes me no matter what kind of trouble I get in.

Quentin: Is someone being creepy on purpose?

Margo: We offer up this virgin, flesh and blood.
Quentin: Jesus, I'm not a virgin.
Margo: Huh. Life is full of surprises.

Quentin: You guys, the pine needles are hurting my feet.

Penny: Say one word about Fillory and I'll kill you. It'll get me kicked out.
Quentin: Well then we'll finally be even.

Red shirt: Now I get it.
Quentin: Get what?
Red shirt: Why our team name is Horny Chupacabras.
Quentin: I'm not a - I don't even know what a chupacabra is.
Red shirt: It's a spine covered goat sucking primate indigenous to Mexico.

Red shirt: We're screwed. How much time do we have left?
Quentin: I don't know. Who knows how to read an hourglass?

Red shirt: Why would they want us to cheat?
Quentin: Because we're magicians.

Margo: But where's the door, Martin? There's always a door to Fillory when we really need it. In the clock? Or the closet? Or my panties?

Quentin: Have you ever want something so badly and then realize that it's nothing like what you thought and maybe that you are stupid for ever actually even wanting it?
Margo: Every guy I've ever slept with.

Quentin: But the real [Fillory], it's not like the story.
Margo: So, what? It's actually totally shitty over there?
Quentin: I don't know. Maybe. Yes. The thing that attacked us, that ripped the Dean's eyes out, it seems like it might be from Fillory.
Margo: Jesus, that is not totally consistent with the books.
Quentin: No, it's not! And I find that devastating.
Margo: Were you planning a trip there?
[Quentin rolls his eyes]
Margo: No, really, because otherwise you are literally torturing yourself over a fairy tale.

Quentin: Margo, did you roofie me?

Eliot: Can we skip down to where you realize you no makey magic here? Ooh, cucumber [sandwich]. Daddy's favorite. Too much dill! [spits it out]

Eliot: There they all are, all those little fishies, just like us, eating shitting, breeding. I require one. Chop chop.
Quentin: So this is my next test? I'm supposed to spear a fish?
Eliot: Do your lips move when you read?

[white horse runs by]
Margo: Bring him to me.
Penny: Why?
Margo: I want to get my Catherine the Great on.
[Penny looks at her blankly]
Margo: Google it. Totally hilarious.

Margo: I'm seeing your future now. Gay porn?

Quentin: Junior cowboy camp.

Alice: You're bleeding.
Quentin: I hated junior cowboy camp.

Penny: That's it? We passed?
Eliot: After you chop the tree into firewood, whip us up a little grilled salmon -
Margo: Some honeyed pheasant.
Eliot: And take turns blowing the horse.

Margo: Did you see the look on Quentin's face?
Eliot: Like, "Fine, but I am not going first."

Quentin: I always thought if I partook in a nude magic ritual that I'd be sort of a in mystical trance.
Alice: Tell that to the girl who lost her virginity with all her clothes on.

Quentin: Maybe we shouldn't drink.
Alice: Maybe we should drink more.

Alice: I'm already pretty damn unpopular. Can you imagine what they would think if they knew how good I really am? Spinster magician dies alone eaten by cats.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Kady: "Is that why you're hanging out with the angriest bitch from the safe house?"

Julia, awesomely deadpan: "Oh, if you want to insult me, try again."

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Quentin: That happened, right? We flew? Here? To Antarctica?

Penny: Birds. I never shit so much before in my life. But at least I got to eat bugs so...that. Now snow. I hate snow.

Mayakovsky: I hate you. I hate all of you. And do you know why? I hate all of you because you don't know anything. You learn magic like parrot learn Shakespeare. Tricks for birdseeds. You are all clever pets.

Mayakovsky: You. Sultry but damaged. One day your looks will be gone like that. And unless there's a brain behind those batting eyelashes, you will be selling oranges at an off ramp.

Mayakovsky: A great magician - and as you gaze in your mirrors in the coming years, you may recall I was the last great magician you ever saw - a great magician is magic in his bones, blood, heart, and dick. Or lady parts, whatever.

Margo: Does this [bikini] say, "Ibiza"?
Eliot: Yes, but this [hat] SCREAMS, "Ibiza"!

Margo: Here's the thing. Incanto oculto is a solid week of sun, drugs, and magical art. Time stops, reality bends, and you fuck five times a day.
Eliot: On a bad day.
Todd: It sounds awesome!
Margo: It is, Todd. It is awesome. But honestly, you'd end up in a corner alone, bitter, bumming everyone out. Like last year, the bacchanal.
Eliot: Poor - Wait, what was his name?
Margo: Mmmm, Todd.
Eliot: Todd. How weird is that? Todd, you don't want to end up like the other Todd.
Todd: What happened to him?
Margo: He just wasn't meant to be there. He moped and whined and brought everyone down. Okay, we were a little wrecked and for fun, someone - someone not us.
Eliot: No, not us.
Margo: Someone turned Todd into a pig.
Eliot: And we ate him.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Mayakovsky: Why don't you two just fuck?

Margo: I flunked Arabic.
Eliot: I got an A - well, partly because I paid for the exam answers in nipple clamps.

[Mayakovsky sees that Quentin has spelled DICKS with his nails]
Mayakovsky: Possibly your first intelligent communique. You should have been rendered mute long ago.

Quentin: Isn't that kind of unethical? Even if they're bugs, they're alive. They have free will.
Alice: We've been taught not to try to control living things.
Mayakovsky: How was your lunch today? Excellent beef bourguignon, no? And how much free will was exerted by the cow? Mind control is in everything, everywhere. We make only one choice - are you the controller or controlled?

Margo: Guys, we have a lot of work to do here. Just bang! NOW!

Penny: Okay, that was weird.
Mayakovsky: Describe.
Penny: I was in my hometown in Florida.
Mayakovsky: Weird? Dull. Again.
[Penny disappears and then reappears]
Mayakovsky: Yes?
Penny: A desert. Maybe Afghanistan. There were guys with guns. I think I saw a drone.
Mayakovsky: Again.
[Penny disappears and reappears with singed clothes]
Penny: Ah! Volcano!
Mayakovsky: Which you survived. Gold star.

Margo: I'd just like to point out that for the record, you guys basically did nothing except each other. Todd was more helpful than you.

Eliot: Oh shit. Not gin, G-I-N. This summons a djinn, D-J-I-N-N.
Mike: A genie.
Todd: Cool.
Margo: Shut up, Todd!

Mayakovsky: Remove your clothes.
Alice: Oh, come on!

Eliot: What did you tell [the djinn] to do?
Margo: You were right there. I didn't say a word.
Todd: You didn't have to. You uncorked him. He could read your thoughts.
Margo: That is fucking rude.

Eliot: You wished my boyfriend away.
Margo: Boyfriend? He's a random cock.

Todd: I don't get this part.
Margo: My full wish - that Mike would go back where he came from and suck on some other knob. So literal.

Mayakovsky: Brakebills is not a forgiving place. You do not deserve their punishment, which will be extreme. You're planning to fly tonight with Penny. You need to think about his future as well. His gifts are a curse. Without training and practice, they could kill him.
Kady: What am I supposed to do?
Mayakovsky: What we all do each moment - decide.

Margo: Eliot, come on! We're going to miss the opening orgy!

Quentin: You really are a great teacher.
Mayakovsky: I know!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Eliot: You're back! Hooray.

Eliot: This is my friend, Mike. He graduated a few years ago and lives in New York and Margo tried to kill him with a djinn but we fixed it. This is Alice. That's Quentin. They are nerds.
Mike: I could kind of tell.
Eliot: How was Brakebills South? Did anyone freeze to death?
Quentin: It was eventful.
Eliot: Why is your face making that face? Omigawd. They totally had sex.
Mike: Yeah.
Quentin: It just happened.
Alice: No, nothing happened.
Eliot: You got drunk on Mayakovsky's lichen vodka and you seduced him.
Quentin: Maybe I seduced her.
Eliot: Please. And sweetie, getting drunk and porking a dungeon master is nothing to be ashamed of.
Mike: Uh, porking?
Eliot: I was looking at the pork butt.

Alice: What we did was stress and circumstances and pheromones.
Quentin: The first time, but not the next four.
Alice: You were counting?
Quentin: Of course I was counting.

Alice: Maybe Eliot was right. We might as well have been drunk or high.
Quentin: We are not under the influence right now.
Alice: Yes, we are, Q. I can still smell you, but like fox you. And I'm pretty sure you can still smell me.
Quentin: That could have a lot to do with the fact that we haven't bathed in weeks.

Pearl: You're supposed to be studying astral projection.
Penny: Look, here's what I know. I feel like less of a pussy if I don't cower in fear of my own ability. I mean, if I'm supposed to ever be able to travel, like really travel between worlds, I need to be able to master this earth bound small potatoes shit first.

Penny: I have a great idea. I mean, you're so worried about me. Why don't you come travel with me? You teach me and I know there's a few things I could teach you too.
Pearl: I don't think that would be appropriate.
Penny: Oh, I totally agree.

Quentin: Gretchen! So I heard you sleep with a Mr. Spock body pillow. No judgement. I myself have a full collection of Leonard Nimoy spoken word albums on vinyl.

Penny: Hell is real and it smells like Axe body spray.

Dean Fogg: When I was four years old, with no instruction or help from anyone, I taught myself magic. I will do so again.

Eliot: This is a disaster!
Quentin: What's wrong?
Eliot: I have nothing to wear.
Quentin: You think that might be, I don't know, hyperbole?
Eliot: I am not emotionally prepared for Mike to see me repeat outfits.
Quentin: I think this might be a Margo problem.
Eliot: Obviously, Quentin, but she's shacked up with some artiste at incanto oculto so I'm stuck with you.
[Eliot holds up two vests]
Quentin: Honestly, all vests look the same to me.
Eliot: I made a horrible mistake asking you to help. Please leave.
Quentin: I was here first.

Richard: No matter why you started using, if you try hard enough you can get clean. You can change everything about your circumstances, but the one thing that won't have changed is you. Same head, same heart, same mistakes. We don't like to hear it, but we need something or someone to lean on that is bigger than ourselves.
Julia: There's a word for when you lean on something - a crutch. Replacing drugs or booze or porn or whatever with a higher power is just swapping one crutch out for another.
Richard: That is a bummer way of looking at things.

Alice: The leaves are used for both healing spells and for doing exotic curses.
Quentin: I thought it was a fern.
Alice: Which is why I brought flashcards.
Penny: Of course you did.
Quentin: Thank you, Alice.
Penny: Could you not? For one minute, could you not give her googly eyes?
Quentin: I don't know what you're implying or inferring.
Penny: Brakebills South didn't have a lot of things - livable weather, edible food, cable tv, but you know what it did have? Windows. So if you thought no one saw your little, LITTLE extracurricular activities, you'd be very mistaken foxes.
Quentin: I was above average for a fox.

Penny: You act like a stalker and then go out of you way to deny that you're interested.

[Eliot flambees sauce for Mike]
Eliot: Only down side is it burns off all the alcohol.

Mike: I don't know about music and wine and frankly any country not in Texas.
Eliot: Texas is a state.
Mike: Not when you're from Texas.

Quentin: Mike is Eliot's boyfriend, I guess. He was trying to kill me before Penny jumped in the way. Could it have anything to do with the beast?
Dean Fogg: Why would it?
Quentin: Because it makes more sense than somebody new trying to kill me.

Nurse: You're not ready to walk around yet.
Penny: I was stabbed, woman! I need to find the motherfucker who-
[Penny falls]

Professor Blue Fairy: The necrotizing tissue, it's-
Penny: Necrotizing.
Quentin: How do you fix it?
Professor Blue Fairy: Without seeing the knife, I have no idea.
Penny: I hate magic.

Quentin: I mean, why us?
Penny: You, I get. I think about stabbing you all the time. That was a hundred percent not a joke.
Quentin: You realize that knife was coming at me before you jumped in the way of it, right? I owe you like a life debt.
Penny: Get a knife. I'll stab you right now.

Julia: No, I don't want to buy a bible.

Alice: I brought you your homework.
Penny: Why?

Penny: Oh, this is pity.
Alice: No. Well, kind of.

Alice: It's from the fourth Fillory book. I read them all for research.
Quentin: Yeah, Jane, she was alone in Fillory for the first time when she was attacked by a Lorian assassin.
Penny: What's a Lorian?
Quentin: Uh, they're the bad guys from a neighboring kingdom. It's actually really interesting because Fillory is both the name of the land mass and also one of the sovereign states.
Dean Fogg: Quentin, focus, please.
Quentin: So the Lorian stabbed Jane with something called a virgo blade and rose vines grew from the wound, so this seems to be the way grosser, less whimsical version of that. This guy Honeyclaw, he was taking care of Jane.
Penny: Honeyclaw?
Quentin: Yeah, a talking bear.
Penny: Oh, Jesus.

Penny: Is that a turban?
Quentin: No, it's your hair.

Penny: Okay, what else did your dumb book say?

Dean Fogg: It is considered good form to announce oneself to blind people.
Eliza: In my defense, I was raised by wolves for a time.

Eliza: What we love can be as important to us as our lives.

Quentin: Penny! Hey, asshole, I need to know your most precious possession!

Quentin: You think Penny's most prized possession is his Adderall?
Alice: If I had voices all day long telling me to do dark magic and I don't know, the pills were the one thing that made them stop, they'd be pretty precious.
Quentin: You can always get more pills. They're fungible.
Alice: You're fungible!

Richard: The reason you treat magic like a drug is because the people who taught it to you act like drug dealers. They buy it and they sell it and they fight and they fuck for it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Quentin: You can always get more pills. They're fungible.

Alice: You're fungible!


No lie, I was sitting in a meeting yesterday, discussing staffing needs and headcount and someone said, "Well, they're fungible."  I almost shouted out Alice's response.

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Julia: Somebody's seen Kill Bill.


Elliot: I'm a supervillain. Now, talk.


Penny - to Quentin after Q's silently mouthed a Fillory quote along with the docent: You'll never be a man.

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Penny to Quentin:  “Stop.  I’m literally becoming less cool with every word you speak.”



Penny: “Yeah, a time slip.”
Quentin: “You say it like, ‘yeah, a sunrise.’”

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Penny: Let's see this button!

[Penny holds up the Vulcan salute]
Penny: I come in peace.

Eve: This one guy, he rode a sled pulled by flying, why do you call them? Not zebras. Reindeer.
Penny: Santa Claus?
Eve: Yeah! You know him? He's a really nice guy!

Julia as Princess Leia: I need your help to fix the hyperdrive and get a message to my friend.
Alice as Daenerys Targaryen: I can help you if you help me find my dragons.
[Princess Leia and Daenerys Targaryen start kissing]
Quentin as Indiana Jones: Let's do it! Let's find your dragons and oh, hey, look, I respect the shit out of you both and your leaders and your people and I'm a feminist-
Alice as Daenerys Targaryen: If you would just shut up for two seconds, this sex dream would pass the Bechdel test, Quentin.
Penny: Nice dream, loser!
Quentin: Why do you ruin everything in my life? It's not what it looks like.
Penny: It looks like a grade A nerd boy wet dream and I want, gawd, I want to make fun of you but the more I consider you might be some kind of savant.

Alice: So wait, I was making out with who?
Quentin: Nobody.
Alice: You said I was making out with someone.
Quentin: No. Yes. Not that it's important. Just, sort of Julia.
Alice: Julia? Your lifelong crush.
Quentin: Dreams are weird. People are naked and animals are smoking cigarettes.

Quentin: I'll check the [Fillory] books when I wake up.
Penny: The one time I need you to know this Comic Con shit!

Margo: What do we know about these neitherlands? I don't remember them from the Fillory books.
Quentin: There's not much. In The Wandering Dune, Jane and Rupert meet this talking dromedary named Cameltoe.
Eliot: No, seriously? Amazing.
Quentin: It was 1943. It wasn't a dirty thing to say back then.

Margo: Eliot, honey, maybe you and I should go upstairs and rest.
Eliot: Wait, wait, wait. Are my eyes open or closed right now? How about now?

Julia: Spellbinder?
Richard: Because it's a binder filled with spells.

Blue Fairy: I can't believe I gave up tickets to Hamilton for this.
Margo: Oh, sorry you have to do your job.
Blue Fairy: Story of my life. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with [Eliot].
Margo: Really? Nothing at all?
Blue Fairy: Well, he has a massive drug problem but at least he's medicating.

Julia: Look, I'm sorry you and your mom had a shitty relationship.

Quentin: I'm sure being cooped up in your old room helps. It's like going back in time to 2004. The Garden State soundtrack.
Alice: Hey, that was cool when it came out.
Quentin: The Joy of Sex? Is that from Stephanie?
Alice: My dad. He meant well. But my mom made him give me the version from the 70s because she thinks kids should know what pubic hair looks like.

Quentin: The fact that you could want to have sex with anyone after living in this house is pretty impressive.

Quentin: Now I kind of feel like a dick for making fun of your Garden State soundtrack.

Librarian: People who read their books often discover they don't like the main character and rarely happy with how it ends.

Librarian: I can't lend you this [book], not without a library card.
Penny: Of course you can't. You know shit like this is why people hate librarians!

Alice's dad: You have to try this. Filleted goat penis. Promotes virility.
Alice: That's very thoughtful of you, dad.

Quentin: Let's go now!
Alice's dad: But you haven't enough touched your penis.
Quentin: You know, I had a ton of it yesterday.

Alice's mom: Joe's anatomy is adaptable. He's like a Swiss army knife. He's good for every occasion. Whatever do you want with Joe?
Alice: I need his help.
Alice's mom: Oh, sweetie. I'm sure Quentin will understand.

Eliot: You see two of you too, right?
[Margo nods]
Eliot: Okay, good. This stuff is finally starting to wear off.

Alice: How do we cast [the beacon spell]?
Joe: Well, there are some specific requirements, sexually speaking.
Quentin: Wait. Sex magic?
Joe: All magic where I'm from is sex magic. I thought you knew that. I could perform it with you if you prefer. I'm a heck of a pinch hitter.
Quentin: I think we've got this.
Joe: Alright, suit yourself. I sense a nice connection between your genitals so you should be fine. You just need some blood, a globe, a few candles bound with twine, oh, and you both have to climax at the same time. Is that going to be a problem?
Quentin: No.
Alice: Well...

[Alice and Stephanie watch as Joe gesticulates and Quentin imitates him, asks questions, and takes notes]
Alice: I can't believe I'm letting your boyfriend talk to my boyfriend about how to...

Margo: I'm not okay, you dick!

Eliot: A gollum of Margo. A Margollum!

Margo's ex: Sometimes the only thing we do is spoon!
Margo: You're gross.

Eliot: Life is a unicorn shitting rainbows of candy.

Quentin: Apparently you can't, you know, with me. Not that you ever said that to my face.
Alice: Yeah, well maybe you should pay better attention when we're having sex.
Quentin: I thought I was. I don't think that I've ever paid that much attention to anything in my life.

Margo: Oh, Jesus. There she is. She has a bad habit of walking off. Although when she does, it's nice to be reminded I have a great ass.

Alice: I don't think we're supposed to like people for what they're good at. I think that's something we make up to torture ourselves.

Alice: You're not bad at sex. I'm just bad at asking for what I want. It's embarrassing.

Quentin: And I love you.
Alice: Me too. You.

Penny: Quentin, you girly fanboy piece of shit, you did it!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Edited to fix wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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Penny: he's targeting us because we can hear him, because we can travel

Stanley: no shit, like I wanna travel to a blue state, never mind other worlds

Female professor: the crack, that was a straight up OD, no chaser

Penny: you smoked crack?

Female professor: I've done things that would make you hide under a blankie

Penny: a voice from another world has a thing for travelers

FP: so it's an assault?

Penny: that's a nice mild term for it

FP: this goes on the base of your neck. It blocks the flow to your head, like a dam

Penny: you didn't think of giving it to me sooner?

FP: it's not approved

Edited by snuffles
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Fillory and Further, Book Seven
Title TBD
By Quentin Coldwater

Prologue: Holy Shit, You Guys, Fillory

Chapter 1: The Journey of the Witch and the Fool

Chapter 2: By All Means, Hinge Your Entire Quest on a Traumatized Boy

Chapter 3: The Waterwoman or The Other, Other Identity

Chapter 4: Everything Sucks Now, and Why

Chapter 5: Be Careful What You Bargain For

Chapter 6: How to Prepare for a Fillorian Wedding

Chapter 7: Weddings Are So Boring, Penny Would Rather Astrally Project into a Dungeon

Chapter 8: Like I Said, Be Careful What You Bargain For

Chapter 9: The Gift of Ember

Chapter 10: Helpless


Josh and Victoria's farewell note:
Good luck with Beast. We'd help but...you're doomed.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: edited because there is no such thing as a "weding"
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Quentin: Where I come from, there's a legend about a witch with a cottage made of candy.
Witch: Well the cottage is made of wood and I'm more of a healer and gardening enthusiast.

Witch: One vial.
Quentin: Vial of what?
Witch: Were you dropped on your head as a child? Your blood, dum dum.

Margo: Wow, swallowing has its privileges.

Margo: No wellspring, no knife. We are fucked.
Quentin: That sounds like us.
Eliot: Must be a Monday. Onward to glory.

Penny: Kill the beast!
[sorry, Beauty and the Beast flashbacks!]

Quentin: There's a place called the armory.
Eliot: Weapons?
Quentin: Books.

Eliot: Okay, Whitespire it is. Come on, everybody. Grab snacks.
Penny: Yeah, about that. My hands are in a fucking box!

Margo [to handless Penny]: You're wiping your own ass so figure that out.

Quentin: There's a specific coronation place in the forest.
Eliot: There are four kings and queens.
Quentin: Yeah, you get to pick the other three....Do I get to be a king?
Eliot: Unless you want me to pick Penny.
Quentin: Okay, we get to the coronation spot by crossing the rainbow bridge.
Eliot: Rainbow bridge? Like where family pets go when they die?
Quentin: No. I mean, not that I know of.

Beast: Brilliant, that laptop. The things they come up with when they don't have magic.
Julia: Yeah, like accounts that tweet police scanner activity.
Beast: Tweet? Birds have computer accounts?

River guy: Are you sure I can't interest you in an elixir? It's small batch and very fresh.
Penny: No thank you.
River guy: I have a tooth powder that I think you are going to love.
Penny: You know what? We're kind of in a hurry.
River guy: I understand. As you wish. Pleasure to serve.
Margo: I think he wants a tip.
River guy: Twenty gold pieces is customary.
Margo: That sounds like a lot.
River guy: Well, this is Chatwin's Torrent.
Penny: We don't have - there was nothing about charging in the books.
River guy: Oh, you'd rather pay in labor? I think three to five years-
Penny: Are you fucking kidding me? You said none of this before I went in the river.
River guy: Because I have manners.
Penny: Are you even officially affiliated with the torrent?
Margo: Penny, chill out.
River guy: It's kind of an amateur calling.
Penny:  Oh, I see, yes, yes, you're a con man. I know his type. I've been ripped off plenty of times by smiling little snake oil pricks like this dude. Same in Detroit, same in Mumbai, same in Fillory. Sorry, try it on the next sap who needs this natural resource on public property.

Margo: I call high queen!

Eliot: Do you think [the Knight of Crowns] is sleeping or dead?

Eliot: I'm the high king of Fillory. I took a blood test.
Knight of Crowns: Excellent, excellent. It's an honor.
Margo: Can we have the crowns, please?
KoC: Certainly, an honor to oblige. Just as soon as you pass the test.
Quentin: Of course there's a test.
KoC: As you know, only a child of Earth can wear the crown of the high king. I will ask you a series of questions designed to root out all pretenders to the throne. Only a true high king would hold the answers in his heart.
Eliot: Come at me.
KoC: What popular American television program stars actor Tim Daly?
Eliot: What the fuck?
Alice: He was on a lot of tv shows.
KoC: There is only one correct answer.
Eliot: Give me the next question.
KoC: This hit single is performed by offspring of famous entertainers.
Margo: Dude, that is crazy vague.
Koc: You will receive a single hint. Your hint is - Beach Boys.
Alice and Margo: Hold On by Wilson Phillips.
Margo: That song is my jam.
Alice: Wait, all these questions are from the 90s.
KoC: It's not the 1990s on earth right now?
Quentin: No, it's 2017. And it's Wings, the Tim Daly show.
Penny: Of course you know that.
Eliot: Okay, 90s. Ask me something about Patrick Swayze.
KoC: You know of Swayze?
[Eliot removes his coat]
Penny: Oh geez.
[Eliot removes his scarf and grabs Alice's hand]
Eliot: Sorry about the disruption, folks, but I always do the last dance of the season. This year somebody told me not to. So I'm gonna do my kind of dancing with a great partner, who's not only a terrific dancer but somebody who's taught me that there are people out there willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. Somebody who's taught me about the kind of person I want to be. Miss Frances Houseman.
KoC: Oh, your majesty. The crowns of Fillory are yours.

Eliot: So I guess we just put them on.
Quentin: No, God, stop. I mean, I just - we should do a ceremony.
[Penny rolls his eyes]
Quentin: This is only going to happen once. We are becoming kings and queens so it's important and we should honor it. Just give me that. Kneel, Eliot Waugh. Would you just do it? It's going to be quick, all right?
[Eliot kneels]
Quentin: So destiny, it's bull shit. But you are a high king in your blood and somehow that makes sense. And for what it's worth, I think that you are going to be a really good king. Um, so I dub thee - I don't know, would you say that you're more brave or merciful?
Eliot: I'd say I'm neither. But I still plan to be a spectacular monarch.
Quentin: I hereby dub thee High King Eliot the Spectacular.
[Penny shakes his head]
Eliot: This feels as natural as underwear. Thank you.
[Margo kneels]
Eliot: By the power vested in me by I have no idea, I do hereby crown you High Queen Margo the Destroyer. I mean that in the best possible sense. All hail. Everyone clap. I have known what you truly are since the day we met. Long may you reign.
[Eliot kisses Margo on the forehead]
Eliot: I feel it's incumbent on me to promise never again to betray you like I did. I really, really am sorry. I have some character defects. I'm working on it.
Alice: I'm working on some too.
Eliot: Well, on that note, I crown you Queen Alice the Wise.
[Eliot picks up the final crown]
Margo: No, wait. Since we're cleaning slates and shit, give me. Q. I could start by saying something cruel yet totally hilarious about you. Let's be real. You're an easy target. But that's because you're honest about what you love and underneath it all, that's inspiring. And I'm sorry too. Not about the sex. I don't even really remember it. Mostly my part in fucking up something that was good for you.
Quentin: Thanks, but I think I fucked it up just fine myself.
Margo: Now that we're ruling a kingdom together, I hope we can be whatever we were again.
Quentin: I guess you could call that friends?
Margo: Let's go with that. I hereby crown you King Quentin the Moderately Socially Maladjusted. Scrunch down.
[Quentin kneels]
Quentin: Royalty, bitches!

Margo: You think that guy did something to you because you were a raging douche?

Alice: I'm afraid I'm going to freeze again when the Beast is in front of me.
Quentin: You're thinking about it wrong. Cool under pressure is not a talent. It's a skill and you need to practice.

Beast: When I was a boy, a man who was meant to care for me bent me over his desk and had me over and over every time I was alone with him. It helps me understand a truth - you're powerful or you're weak. If you're powerful, you will survive.
Julia: So, what? You're suggesting I just get over it?
Beast: Actually, yes.
Julia: How? Mutate? Take over a world? Kill a bunch of grad students thirty nine times?

Margo: "Strategies for Trapping Tomato-Eating Garden Fairies."

Eliot: Do you know they don't know what champagne is here? I plan on inventing it. I'd like to known as the champagne king.
Quentin: It has a ring to it.
Eliot: Right? I'm looking forward to drinking socially - like the French.

Eliot: In the books, time doesn't exactly run the same speed on earth as in Fillory.
Quentin: Sometimes things got screwy when Jane and Martin went back and forth.
Eliot: But not always.
Quentin: It's going to be fine, El.
Eliot: Yeah, yeah. Or I'll just live out my days waiting for my friends to return and die alone.
[awkward silence]
Eliot: You know it's considered extremely disrespectful to touch a king without permission.
[Quentin moves his shoulder away from Eliot's]
Eliot: But, um, I think you should probably hug me right now
[Quentin hugs Eliot]
Eliot: This will all be okay if you just give my ass a little squeeze.

Beast: I understand why you're afraid [to get rid of your shade]. You're afraid you'll lose yourself. But hear me on this - martyring yourself to your pain isn't all it's advertised to be. It'll destroy you. There's no glory in that. You might get Renard, yes, but he'll still win.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Penny: Duck!
Margo: Who?
Penny: Everybody!

Julia: Is that an actual song or are you trying to get me to stab a knife into my eardrums?

Julia: Look, I know you're basically stoned on sugar, but if you could just dial down the chipper.

Fen: I'm your wife. I want to be obedient.
Eliot: Nobody wants to be obedient.

Penny: You deserting chickenshit motherfucker!

Josh: It is good to see you guys though.
Penny: Fuck off.

Marina: Did you scrape [the beast] off the cabaret floor?
Julia: Reynard is targeting hedges.
Marina: Right, so the answer is to hire Michael Buble to kidnap me and then use me as your bait.

Beast: I told you untying [Marina] was a mistake.

Marina: [Julia]'s a bitch on three wheels, probably batshit crazy, but she's not wrong.

Eliot: I have a secret. It's fairly difficult for me to confess. It brings me nothing but waves of aching nausea. I grew up on a farm.
Fen: That's your secret?
Eliot: I spent years blocking it all out - the smell of wet hay, the feel of an udder, the taste of fresh goat milk. And the worst humans in the known universe - my family.

Dean Fogg: Pixies love puzzles and riddles, especially those that makes humans look stupid.

Anagrams for Last Hope Options:

pane hotspot silo
latte shop poison
hotel spa potions
stop late shoon
astin lot hop pose
tin loots hap pose
athens pilots poo
anet hoops pistol
alton photos pies
alsop shoe tinpot
latin soto soothe
nosh pattie pools
neolith paso post
lept pion shoots
lap hose options
eliot pass photon
alsop hoop spite
tat loosens hippo
nape pilot sooths
neolith pats poos
nil peashoot pots
noise photo splat
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opas pint soothe
petta photon soil
poll sapiens tooth
potion pots sale
hospital nose top
potion shela spot
potion stael shop
shop spaniel toot
shop spinal tattoo
spools thaine tope
stools taipo then
spoon stop thelia
latin pope shoots
latin pops soothe
opine path stools

Eliot: I guess life is all about new experiences and I've never been pussy whipped.

Beast: I'm about to make an enemy of a god who I have no quarrel with. And without decent bait, you're literally asking me to do it blindfolded, shackled, and hopping on one leg. If I took just a smidgen of your shade, not only would your trauma drop away, you'd have no issue with using Marina. You'd be free of these useless feelings and this idiotic moral quagmire.
Julia: Come near me and the knife won't kill you because you can still live without a dick.
[Beast gets up and starts singing again]
Julia: Or a tongue.

Dean Fogg: What else can you tell me about this situation?
Marina: Well, for starters it's not a situation. It's a raping, killing omniscient god with a pretty specific type - me and mine. What the fuck else do you need to know?
Dean Fogg: I see you still don't expend much on good manners.
Marina: Oh, this is a charm school now?
Dean Fogg: No, but it is my school, not a safehouse.
Marina: I was the best student you ever had here. You said that.
Dean Fogg: I confused talent with character. You need both to be a true magician. Kicking you out wasn't a choice. I couldn't have you infecting my students then and I certainly won't now.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: Noticed a typo

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Quentin: So why was battle magic outlawed?
Bigby: Humans' least attractive qualities - panic and paranoia.
Dean Fogg: And there were several student deaths that semester.
Bigby: Far fewer than the 1870s or the 1920s or the 60s. Another human failing - short memory.

Bigby: I can feel your power. It's almost, it's almost godlike. Did you fuck one of them? I mean, they are wonderful, aren't they? At least mine was. I glowed for weeks. No, literally!

Eliot: I will need to find some way to blow off steam somehow someday, but in the mean time I get to stroll the wondrous memory fields of my agrarian childhood sprinkling shit.
Fen: Sprinkling...shit?
Eliot: Shoveling, mixing, drying, hauling.

Bigby: Henry, is that juniper tree still there? You know, the one by the infirmary.
Dean Fogg: Oh, yes.
Bigby: It has the softest grass. It feels delicious on your arse. We used to sneak out at night and fuck for hours!
Dean Fogg: Bigby, please.
Bigby: Are you telling me you don't even remember that tree?
Dean Fogg: Of course I do, darling, of course, but it's private.
Bigby: Not anymore! Plus these two [Quentin and Alice] fuck like jackrabbits! I mean, you can just smell it. And it is delicious, darlings.

Eliot: Many a farm to grace with our royal dung.

Penny: OW!
Pearl: Sorry, the spell says they have to be tight.
Penny: Do they have to be behind me? I feel like I'm being busted.

Dean Fogg: I expect you all to get very, very drunk,

Quentin: Well, I can never get buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Alice: Are you even Jewish?
Quentin: No, but options.
Penny: How much do I have to drink so that I never have to hear your voice again?

Quentin: What are you going to do with it?
Dean Fogg: Lift your shirt, Quentin, and turn around.
Margo: Those words never led to anything good. Well, almost never.

Subject: Thank you, my king.
Eliot: No, thank the hell that was my childhood.

Eliot: Your high king has agricultural tales to tell. I give you the reign of King Shit.

Beast: Don't make me wait, ladies. Are we three going to kill a god?
Julia: Yeah, for starters.

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Julia: What if this is, like, a smudge? A fingerprint left by OLU when she gave me back my Shade, and she didn't even realize? You know, it's like, whoops, speck of magic.
Quentin: She's a goddess. Does she seem like the accident type?
Julia: Have you met her son?

Quentin: There's still something that could lead us to something. We have got to keep chipping away at it, Jules.
Julia: Big words coming from a guy who was mostly chain-smoking and binge-watching Six Feet Under when I got here.

Penny: Man, hey, that thing -
Librarian Patron with Overdue Book: Is not your business.
Penny: It's Mayakovsky's spell, right? A little something to brew up current? It's fake. It does not make magic. It does blow up like a meth lab.

LPWOB: All of this is his fault.
Penny: It by his, you mean-
LPWOB: Made a bunch of apocalypse-proof batteries, then did something to turn it all off all over the world. Breaks his incorporate bond, screws us, he's got magic, he's free. Tell you what Mayakovsky didn't think about - creatures. They're fine. Whatever they are, it's DNA.
Penny: So I hear.
LPWOB: We're fish bait now. Thank God I got this place cause they're coming. I promise you.
Penny: Well, karma is a righteous bitch.
LPWOB: Karma's gonna be we kill them all, son.
Penny: If you can. I mean, some of them look just like us. You'd never know they're not quite human.

Penny: You look good.
Kady: White-knuckle sobriety and forced celibacy's my look. You need to go back.
Penny: I was kinda thinking we were gonna grab a quickie in the car.
Kady: Yeah, that sounds great, except I don't have a car, and and you're fucking dying.

Fairy Queen: Lumbricus Campestris.
Margo: Don't tell me. Feather of a left-handed crow? Butterfly with PMS this time? Turtle semen with a rosemary garnish?

Librarian: Every time you leave this branch, you go where time moves normally and where time progresses-
Penny: So does my super cancer, I know. It's a pity the best y'all could do was a place where time stopped. You know, time going backward? That'd be better.
Librarian: I've been giving you assignments that shouldn't take more than an hour. I don't want you 
Penny: Me to die? How sweet of you, considering you poisoned me.

Fairy Queen: Where are the worms? Don't tell me you sent someone out to do your work.
Margo: I'm a delegator. It's a leadership quality. You've clearly mastered it.

Margo: I waited till I was sure none of those creepy little no-eyebrow fuckers were around before I delegated.

Rafe: Abigail mentioned you have many fairy guests these days.
Eliot: Guests, hostile occupying force, tomato, tomahto.

Julia: Remember that time, 10th grade, right? And we made up that dance and it was terrible. 
Quentin: Oh, God. -
Julia: Yes. So white and bad.
Quentin: Yeah, that might actually work. It was very, like, hip thrusty if I remember.

Bacchus: Magicians, right?
Quentin: Yeah, how can you tell?
Your hands, and your crazy level of trauma.

Bacchus: Kid, I'm Bacchus. I am the god of not being a wiggly, little anxious wet dish rag that would kind of really love to talk to you, so I need you to unclench your vagina and do that shot or I'm moving on.
Quentin: Just a little sexist.
Bacchus: Five, four, three, two- Attaboy. Okay, what do you wanna do now? Twister? You wanna pierce something? Oh, I've got Trivial Pursuit Star Trek edition.

Josh: Does your high ever turn on you and you go from happy to remembering you live in a barren world devoid of magic?
Julia: Mine more goes from okay to oh yeah, you have PTSD from being sexually assaulted by a trickster god.

Josh: I just really loved doing magic. And I was good at it. You should have tasted my tomatoes. And just, the air smelled different, right? And I could turn into a bird, or or or make a rose bloom. And I saw actual Fillory. And I banged a werewolf, yes. That is weird, but also rad, because who gets to do that?

Margo: Dude, you're gonna leave a mark and I don't like that in a non-sexual context.
Eliot: Okay, okay, okay, okay, um, you watched Battlestar, right?
Margo: Yeah, I love when they do terrorism allegory - with mostly white people.
Eliot: Mmm hmm. You remember Grace Park in season one?
Margo: Of course, best storyline.
Eliot: Why?
Margo: Duh, because she was actually-
Eliot: You're Grace Park. Okay? You're Grace Park, Margo.
Margo: I'm Grace Park.
Eliot: Yeah. And we have ourselves a bit of a Gene Hackman in The Conversation. 
Margo: I didn't see that one. 
Eliot: Yeah, right, um, someone is XOXO Gossip Girling our shit.
Translation: Someone hidden in plain sight is spying on us.
Eliot: Remember James Marsden in X-Men, hmm?
Translation: You know that mutant with the eye thing?
Eliot: Your Marsden is XOXOing us full on that great song by The Police.
Translation: Your eyeball is enabling the Fairy Queen to watch every step you take.
Margo: That Fairuza Balk in The Craft.
Translation: That crazy bitch!
Eliot: Yeah, more Cersei Lannister.
Translation: Sadly for us, she's not crazy. She's wicked smart.
Margo: Hey, glad I made you read those.
Eliot: Well, I read the Wiki. What? Those books are like a million pages long. I have a life.
Margo: Okay.
Eliot: Anyway, whatever your Marsden would XOXO, Cersei XOXOs.
Translation: Whatever your eye sees, the Fairy Queen sees.
Eliot: So we have to keep it very best episode of Buffy.
Margo: Musical?
Eliot: The other one.
Translation: We need to hush.
Margo: Okay, how do we Lizzie Borden the shit out of this thing?
Translation: How might one will the Fairy Queen?
Margo: Cause I am about ready to go full '07 Britney.
Translation: I am prepared to beat her to death with an umbrella if necessary.
Eliot: Maybe we could've back when this place was Pottered up.
Translation: Honestly, in a world without magi, I am stumped.
Margo: Still. Even without a wand, Harry would figure some shit out.
Eliot: Honestly, I didn't quite finish those books either.
Margo: Our Harry, I mean.
Translation: What would Quentin Coldwater do?
Eliot: Oh! Him. Well, he'd-
Margo: Mmm-hmm.
Eliot: Consult the creepy pedophile.
Translation: We need to find a copy of Fillory and Further.

Tick: I thought this excursion was mostly about drinking heavily.

Eliot: The white lady was spotted somewhere around here. We're going to shoot her, and then we're going to wish those fairies to the fucking cornfield.
Tick: Oh, excellent. Whatever a cornfield is.

Bacchus: Dude. You're a vibe-killer.
Quentin: No.
Bacchus: Yes, you are. And historically, I do smite vibe-killers.
Quentin: No, look, I'm a vibe-supporter. I just also happen to be a concerned Magician individual who would like to get a word in with your parents.
Bacchus: My parents?
Quentin: Yeah, the Old Gods.
Bacchus: Are imperious and distant dickwads who I haven't spoken to in a millennia.

Bacchus: If fixing magic is, like, so important to you, then you should just talk to this crazy guy that I met back in Athens one time. Rambo! Rambo! What was the name of that guy that I met in Athens, that up-with-humans guy? Fit bod.
Rambo: You mean Prometheus?
Bacchus: That guy loved magicians, and he would want to help you.
Rambo: He's dead.
Bacchus: What?
Rambo: Prometheus died, like, 1,500 years ago, man. Sorry.
Bacchuss: Damn it. Well, he lived a pretty tortured existence, so, dying was probably a relief for him. But, still, uh, he would've helped you. He told me this crazy story one time about how there's like like, a secret back door to magic.
Quentin: Wait, I'm sorry, what?
Bacchus: I don't remember the deets, okay, my face was melting off. Secret back door. Just, something. Wait! Might've been a brothel. Shots!

Eliot: Look, if you don't come out of there, I'm going to have to shoot you.
The Great Cock: Gods! Have you never given a compliment? For example, my, my, High King Eliot. Your long legs look so well in those breeches.
Eliot: Thank you.
TGC: Your turn.
Eliot: You sound like a very attractive creature.
TGC: You think so?
Eliot: I've met many non-humans, and your voice is by far the sexiest. 
TGC: Really? 
Eliot: I mean, you sound noble. I didn't mean to-
TGC: You're wise, for I am, indeed, the sexiest in the land. It is I, the Great Cock of The Darkling Woods.
Eliot: The Great Cock.
TGC: Have you never beheld one, child of Earth?
Eliot: No, no. No, I've beheld one or two. But you are, by far, the most majestic.
TGC: I'm diligent about hydration.

Eliot: I was just hoping in your great, benevolent handsomeness that you would see fit to grant me just one little wish.
TGC: That's the sort of thing my sister, The Winter's Doe, specializes in. Also, when was the last time a petitioner didn't get utterly assfucked by a wish-granting?

TGC: You are a good king. But it is time to become a great one. In order to do that, you must travel to a land where you are no king, no magician, just a vulnerable man.
Eliot: Honestly, that sounds like something I might really fuck up.
TGC: Yes, or it wouldn't be a quest. You have friends, don't you?
Eliot: I used to.
TGC: The one-eyed conqueror, the traveler, the warrior, the fool, the god-touched, the lover of tomatoes, and the torture artist-
Eliot: Wait, which one is that? You lost me there. 
TGC: Never mind. You have a brother of the heart with the floppy hair. 
Eliot: That would be Quentin.
TGC: You're parts of one whole. No one can do this alone.

Eliot: We are go for epic quest.
Rafe: You are indeed a brave king.
Eliot: I am indeed a guy with not much choice, but thanks for rounding up.

Eliot: Some place called After Island?
Rafe: Oh. It lies beyond our border, Majesty. You would be venturing to strange lands not your own.
Eliot: So not the friendliest?
Rafe: It is said that even the Outer Sea itself wishes ill upon our king. Some have sailed before you.
Eliot: Oh, and how'd that go?
Rafe: They drowned.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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5 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Margo: Dude, you're gonna leave a mark and I don't like that in a non-sexual context.
Eliot: Okay, okay, okay, okay, um, you watched Battlestar, right?
Margo: Yeah, I love when they do terrorism allegory - with mostly white people.
Eliot: Mmm hmm. You remember Grace Park in season one?
Margo: Of course, best storyline.
Eliot: Why?
Margo: Duh, because she was actually-
Eliot: You're Grace Park. Okay? You're Grace Park, Margo.
Margo: I'm Grace Park.
Eliot: Yeah. And we have ourselves a bit of a Gene Hackman in The Conversation. 
Margo: I didn't see that one. 
Eliot: Yeah, right, um, someone is XOXO Gossip Girling our shit.
Translation: Someone hidden in plain sight is spying on us.
Eliot: Remember James Marsden in X-Men, hmm?
Translation: You know that mutant with the eye thing?
Eliot: Your Marsden is XOXOing us full on that great song by The Police.
Translation: Your eyeball is enabling the Fairy Queen to watch every step you take.
Margo: That Fairuza Balk in The Craft.
Translation: That crazy bitch!
Eliot: Yeah, more Cersei Lannister.
Translation: Sadly for us, she's not crazy. She's wicked smart.
Margo: Hey, glad I made you read those.
Eliot: Well, I read the Wiki. What? Those books are like a million pages long. I have a life.
Margo: Okay.
Eliot: Anyway, whatever your Marsden would XOXO, Cersei XOXOs.
Translation: Whatever your eye sees, the Fairy Queen sees.
Eliot: So we have to keep it very best episode of Buffy.
Margo: Musical?
Eliot: The other one.
Translation: We need to hush.
Margo: Okay, how do we Lizzie Borden the shit out of this thing?
Translation: How might one will the Fairy Queen?
Margo: Cause I am about ready to go full '07 Britney.
Translation: I am prepared to beat her to death with an umbrella if necessary.
Eliot: Maybe we could've back when this place was Pottered up.
Translation: Honestly, in a world without magi, I am stumped.
Margo: Still. Even without a wand, Harry would figure some shit out.
Eliot: Honestly, I didn't quite finish those books either.
Margo: Our Harry, I mean.
Translation: What would Quentin Coldwater do?
Eliot: Oh! Him. Well, he'd-
Margo: Mmm-hmm.
Eliot: Consult the creepy pedophile.
Translation: We need to find a copy of Fillory and Further.

I just loved this whole thing. What does it say about me that I understood everything they were saying? It says I'm a giant nerd, that's what.

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On 1/13/2018 at 0:13 PM, festivus said:

I just loved this whole thing. What does it say about me that I understood everything they were saying? It says I'm a giant nerd, that's what.

Says that you're probably hanging out on the right website/forums.  ;) 

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Todd: Pro tip, in case you remember any of this: always be polite to librarians.

Zelda: I'm thinking of posting a sign to remind everyone that their mother doesn't work here and they should clean up their own crumbs. Should I use Helvetica or Times New Roman? Would Comic Sans communicate good cheer or undercut the seriousness of the message?

Santa: Even your breathing is depressing today. You know that, Alice?
Alice: Hey, I have an idea.
Santa: Yeah?
Alice: Yeah, go fuck yourself. I'm not here to entertain you.
Santa: Huh. If you say so. Cause the other day when you tried to escape that was funny - all that kicking and shrieking. Gives me a big chuckle every time I think of it.

Alice: You nosy bitch!
Zelda: Excuse me?
Alice: You read my book, huh? Right up to the great blank spot. Did you read that whole chapter? You want to talk about all the positions Quentin and I were in? Did my book tell you how many times I came?

Mark: Look, I don't hurt anyone. It's all strictly side hustle. I'm not selling anything that's going to hurt anyone. Minor shit - charms, enhancements., nothing dark.
Kady: What are you talking about? Charms, enchantments. What is that, French for crystal meth?

Kady: What is that? A spelling bee medal?

Margo: Am I at Jeff Goldblum's house right now?

Margo: We're going to have to take this from the top, all right? Because I literally haven't been this confused since the time I woke up in bed with Banksy.

Ember: This glorious emanation can only be triggered by world war, pandemic, arrival of hostile or uninvited gods onto Fillorian soil, revolt of dwarves, or mass rising of the dead. Not sure they'd be able to do much, the dead. They're sort of feeble and rotting. It just struck me as creepy, and I'd rather you put a stop to it.

Margo: Okay, horn person? My name is Janet. I'm not a king. I'm an editor, a fashion editor. You're not even wearing pants.

Margo: Fuck! The color correction on this model is so bad, it's racist.

Margo: Am I under arrest? 
Kady: No.
Margo: Well, what's going on, then? And why are you wearing that ridiculous spelling bee medal?

Margo: "Janet Pluchinsky had stabbed her way to the accessory editor's desk." That's a dumb way of putting it. The writing isn't award-winning. And my boobs look insane in this drawing. A man wrote this, correct?
Kady: Correct, but the details. Did you have a pet sugar glider when you were eight? Ate white cheddar popcorn with Tabasco for breakfast? You have a dedicated closet for wigs and fetish underwear?

Santa: I was working with these elf gentlemen.
Alice: Elves are real? 
Santa: Sweet guys. All that weird sex stuff you hear about is only partially true.

Julia: They're calling me a squib. I even heard Professor Lipson say it when she thought I was out of the room.
Fogg: I'll talk to her about that. We discourage that term. It's considered hate speech.

Julia: I got the highest math scores in the history of my high school and I graduated Harvard on my 19th birthday.
Fogg: Who didn't?

Isaac: Magic is real. Magic is real!
Penny: This is the trippiest thing I have ever seen.
Isaac: I gotta say, you're taking this pretty well.
Penny: Well, you know, it's all an illusion. The Grand Maya.
Isaac: Right, yeah. The Grand Maya. Of course, man. Can I just say one thing? I cannot believe you're DJ Hansel. I've been listening to your Taylor Swift remix nonstop. Is it true that you guys hooked up?

Isaac: Magic is real. You know? Literally. Like in movies, except literally real.

Margo: So no one can find Kim the architect, Nigel the bastard son of a British lord was reported missing by his family, and Brian the English professor, also reported missing. Not worrying.
Isaac: Or another way to look at it is that the whole goddamn thing is worrying and no one thing is any more or less worrying than anything else.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. You need breath work, man.

Penny: The guy that got hit by a truck. Did he die? 
Kady: He's still in the hospital.
Penny: Well, if he's alive, then we can ask him some questions.
Marina: Oh, I wish you wouldn't. I really feel you've done enough for him. Hi. I'm Marina. You almost killed a good friend of mine and stole that from him, which he was borrowing. So really, you stole it from me.

Ice cream guy: Scoop of pistachio with jimmies. 
Eliot: I said I wanted sprinkles. 
Ice cream guy: Jimmies are sprinkles.
Quentin: No, stop, jimmies are sprinkles!
[Eliot kills the ice cream guy]
Eliot: Ah! Hmm, jimmies are sprinkles.

Eliot: Remind me to get a coat. Am I remembering you kill these little bodies if you get them too cold?

Quentin: Hey, is there another game that we can play? One where we don't flay anybody?

Ember: What in creation is the matter with you, High King?
Margo: Where to start with that?
Ember: This is our little game. I have to ask you to do things twice because you're such a handsome king. Enough flirtation. It's unseemly that a simulacrum of this magnificence should be bothered so repeatedly.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Eliot: This is the temple of the god we are summoning - Enyalius, god of war.
Quentin: I thought that was Ares.
Eliot: Say that when you see him. It makes him so mad.

Quentin: I don't mean to be difficult, but couldn't you just conjure [a pig]?
Eliot: Hmm, no. It has to be caught with human hands and stained with human effort. You know, that stuff that comes out of your skin.
Quentin: Sweat?

Fogg: Hello, whoever you are. Do not tamper with my enchantment.
Josh: Holy shit, it's James Earl Jones!
Fogg: Yes, you've triggered a read-me file voicemail. And no, you may not take me off speaker phone. You will not circumvent or defeat this spell.

Josh: So spells are basically credit cards with automated fraud warning calls? That's not super inspired.

Margo: This whole psychotic break just lacks imagination.

Margo: This pond better be vodka.

Alice: I could use some Intel on this place but how do I know you're not a snitch?
Santa: Well, because like it or not, I'm Santa, which used to mean I was once considered fairly honest, reasonably reliable, but I don't know, maybe slightly admired. Then all of the sudden everyone's like, "Hey, you break into houses once a year. What's up with that?" And, uh, "Kids sit on your lap. How is that not creepy?" Congratulations, Earth. You ruined the name of Santa.

Lord Fresh: I am the Lord of All Fillorian Fresh Water which is a bit pretentious, so, please, call me Lord Fresh.

Lord Fresh: Your birthright box.
Margo: You and my birth box ain't happening so back up, Shape of Water.

Lord Fresh: It also predicted that you would learn what it is to live and rule alone.
Margo: Yeah? Well, alone's my jam, grenouille. And no matter what, I rule.

Marina: We gotta hustle.
Penny: Yeah, anything I can do?
Marina: Yeah. Take your shirt off and make me a sandwich.

Fogg: What timeline are you from?
Marina: The one where you owe me child support. I'm kidding.

Fen: Our air has always been graced with what you on Earth call opium. But now it's saturated. For some it's tolerable. Some get quite giddy, a few succumb to sleep at the most inconvenient times, and then there are those who-
Tick: Dance! In the nude.
Fen: It sounds lighthearted, but it's actually resulted in a number of deaths, mainly in falling asleep in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Tick: Trampled in the middle of the road being the most common. Uh, however, a dancer did die of exposure on a glacier, though by all accounts, quite gracefully.

Margo: Guys, I need to stress how much I don't give a shit. But he's dodging you and he wants me, so let's find the fucker.
Fen: Sassy.

Fogg: Walter, you're the best drinking companion I've ever had.
Walter: Thanks. I mean, we only drank together twice.
Fogg: I'm a high-functioning alcoholic, Walter. We prefer to do our serious drinking alone so that when we weep, we can wallow in self-loathing without embarrassment. Did you get that, Todd? 
Todd: Fantastic. 
Fogg: Excellent. Walter, in my office bar is an unopened bottle of 1977 Hollcroft single malt that I was going to drink if I ever committed suicide. Enjoy, my dear friend.

Fogg: It's not your fault I'm always broke, Ashley. I'm a degenerate gambler who can use magic to alter the outcome of any game. But then I couldn't relive the secret shame I've held since I was two years old. What I crave most in the world is the degradation of losing. Thank you for every single moment of that.
Ashley: You're $56 short.
Fogg: You're a cutthroat bookie.

Fogg: Magic has been a brutal series of disappointments. And after having lived 40 timelines, 39 of which range from the comically horrendous to the apocalyptically absurd, to find it was all for nothing, well, leaving this life actually feels liberating. Hold this, Todd. Thank you.
[Fogg punches a guy]
Fogg: Tell Jennifer thank you and goodbye. I had an affair with his wife. He behaved abominably. Do you find all this as cathartic as I do, Todd?
Todd: I think you really hurt him.
Fogg: Well, back to my childhood. I was raised by my grandmother, the kindest, wisest person I've ever known. Of course I could never tell her that because all forms of intimacy horrify me.

Fogg: My life is mostly made up of regrets. I'm not looking for contradiction or pity. It's just a fact I'm suddenly forced to face. But of all my many regrets, the greatest is something I did very recently to some of the most maddeningly millennial students I ever had. I'll never be able to correct what I did to them. But Kim, one day you might. You have no idea what you're capable of. I do.
Julia: Okay, then if you want me to help these students can you tell me who they are?
Fogg: Their lives were in grave danger. I cast a spell that erased their identities and gave them new ones, and now that same spell has been cast on me.
Julia: Jesus. I mean, isn't there anything you can do?
Fogg: Well, if I reveal that the spell can be reversed, then someone would reverse the spell on my students, ensuring their deaths. I will not allow that to happen. I have to do this. I must accept this.

Penny: Ah, stubborn dude. You got Plan B?
Marina: B plans are for losers.

Marina: It's pretty common knowledge that I'm a very, very good person who lives to help others.

Kady: It's such a piece of shit.
Josh: Hey, I like the artwork. You have to admit, the characters - us? We're pretty complex.
Kady: Oh, yeah, real complex. Yeah, Isaac's big problem is his dick is too big.
Josh: Hey, it can be a problem. Seriously. It narrows the field by a lot more than you think. I've been on way too many first dates that end in urgent care, so -
Marina: Gross. 
Penny: Look, my life is pretty cool so how do I know this other me is gonna-
Kady: Nail as many groupies?
Penny: Whoa, hey, whoa, no. That is not what Hansel is about, okay?
Kady: You know there's a chance the real you didn't bang your sister?
Penny: Hey, no, that's - she was my step sister, okay? Step sister. And we didn't know 'til later. Too many stepdads.

Margo: So far every sighting he either gets the party started or he dives right into one that's already jumping off.
Tick: Ember has always enjoyed his pleasures, but this pace reeks of self-destruction.
Margo: Please. One July 4th, I bet I could snort my body weight in coke. This dude's an amateur. Next.
Fen: Landfall at Shimmering Cliff Palace, then an orgy at Sacred Sky Nunnery.
Margo: Okay. That's almost impressive. So look, he's headed east. If he keeps going, what's the next hot spot?
Tick: The Hare on the Ass.
Margo: Seriously? Whimsy. I fucking hate it.

Fogg: Fate's a fucker that always wins.

Eliot: I want it back. Give it to me.
Corybant: Well, I have no idea what "it" is but I grant you permission to search my ball sack with your tongue.

Margo: What the fuck are you doing here, Bacchus?
Bacchus: Have we banged?
Margo: I followed you on Instagram. Everybody did till they kicked you off.
Bacchus: Oh, I know, right? Dicks.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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