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Talking Schitt: The Quote Thread

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1.1

Alexis: Hold on, hold on! Those bags are not for you. My boyfriend bought those for me so theoretically they are his.

David: I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life. Destroy another person's life!

Lawyer: You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.
Johnny: Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.
David: Wait, you actually purchased that town?
Johny: Yes, I purchased the town. How else could I get the deed? 
Alexis: You could've photoshopped the deed! 
David: And saved the money!
Johnny: Why would I photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town. That was the joke!

Lawyer: This town just might be your saving grace, at least for a while.
Moira: What do you mean?
Lawyer: You can live there for next to nothing until you get back on your feet.
Moira: I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into. Please, there are other options.
Lawyer: Well, homelessness is still on the table.

Alexis: The whole time I was surrounded by old women wearing visors who smelled like yams. There was nowhere to lie down. There was nowhere to lie down! There was no bed. There was no kitchen. I know! No. I don't know what to tell you, there's, like, cows all over the place, like, everywhere. I don't know if there's even a station. I don't know what's happening. The Cheaters marathon we watched - it's like that.

Johnny: Do you have a couple of suites?
Stevie: Umm, no. This is a motel so we cater more to off road truckers and drunk teenagers.
Moira: Please, someone just give me a key to a door, to a room, any room! I just want a bathtub and a long extension cord, please.

Johnny: It smells like a gym bag.
Moira: Does anyone else feel light headed?
Roland: Omigawd, this takes me back to high school. You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place. Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, this place would just light up.

David: This might be a stupid question considering the state of the rugs in our room, but do you have a business center here?
Stevie: Yes, we do have a business center. You can find it right outside the doors to your left, right beside the hammam spa. Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it?

David: I need that bed. 
Alexis: Why? 
David: Because I need it. 
Alexis: Why?
David: Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first so I need this bed.
Alexis: So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first? In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out on the floor?!
David: Uh, sort of. That was the plan, yeah.
Alexis: Okay, well, you can have the bed when I leave.
David: Well, where are you going?
Alexis: Stavros is flying in to get me. I told you that.
David: What do you mean Stavros is coming? What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?
Alexis: Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.
David: Well, where are we going?
Alexis: Okay, at present, he's just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.
David: What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?
Alexis: Um, David, it will be four months next month. And he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so-
David: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad. Have you told them?
Alexis: No! No, David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity. Otherwise dad's going to cry and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong and then just doesn't talk to me for five months and I don't want that.
David: Well, I need this bed! I need it, so-
Alexis: You know what, David? You get murdered first for once!
David: No, you get murdered first!
Alexis: David, you get murdered first!
David: No, you! You do it!
Alexis: Yes, you get murdered first! David, you get murdered first!

Alexis: I actually think this place is kinda cute. 
Moira: Did you say cute? No, Alexis, Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

Johnny: It's been a long day. There's a pharmacy worth of drugs wearing off on most of us right now.

David: Ugh, we have to eat in here?
Alexis: I think it's kinda sweet.
Moira: Alexis, what's going on with you? 
Alexis: What do you mean?
Moira: Seriously? The room was cute. This place is sweet. 
David: I am personally offended by this place. I don't know what you think is nice about it.
Moira: The town is disgusting. It is gruesome.
Alexis: It is charming. It is quaint. It's like out of a storybook.
Johnny: Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?
Alexis: Okay, Stavros is flying in to get me and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.
Moira: Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore!

Twyla: I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing. He made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal and he lost everything.
Johnny: Hmm, not quite the same.
Twyla: Yeah, no, he went to prison, which is terrible, but he is learning Spanish. No mas, le duele! I think it means, "stop, it hurts."
Moira: Oh, wonderful anecdote.

Stevie: Yeah, you're gonna have to talk to Roland about that. He lives just down the street. You make a left out of the motel and then another left. It's a house with a truck in the driveway. There's a bumper sticker of a naked Helen Mirren.

Roland: Johnny, when I was a kid and I did a bad thing, my father took the doors off my room and he said to me, "Roland, privacy is earned."
Johnny: I am having a tough time following that. What the hell does that have to do with privacy?
Roland: Nothing. I just got mad and I took your doors.
Johnny: Look, if you took offense to anything I said back at the motel, just know it wasn't personal.
Roland: All right, apology accepted.
Johnny: Well, that was less of an apology and more of an explanation.
Roland: Nevertheless, I accept your apology.
Johnny: Which it wasn't!
Roland: So thank you again for that apology.

Moira: I don't suppose you saw any hobos or crackheads loitering around the hotel today?
Stevie: No crackheads, no.
Moira: While the rooms were exposed to the world like a Moroccan fair, someone got in here and stole my earrings. But it was just you here today. 
Stevie: It was.
Moira: I'm assuming you were the only one here on the premises today?
Stevie: I think I know where you're going with this.
Moira: No, I'm simply confirming that you alone were here when the earrings were stolen.
Stevie: Are you asking me if I stole your earrings?
Moira: No, I would never, please! But I also would certainly never press charges if my earrings were suddenly to be returned. If they suddenly reappeared, if you gave them back, I would not press charges. I would look the other way.
Stevie: Okay, you know what? I gotta run. Cause I want to hit the pawn shop before it closes. I owe my crack dealer a ton of money.

David: Okay, can I ask you a question?
Stevie: Shoot.
David: I think you're kind of rude.
Stevie: Is that a question?
David: I have asked you thrice now for a towel so that I may wash this town off my body. Do you think I want to be here?
Stevie: Do you think I want to be here?
David: I don't know what you want. You've given me one word answers since I got here.
Stevie: So if I get you a towel, you'll stop following me to my car?
David: Yes, yes!
Stevie: Fine, but I'm only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.

Alexis: No! Stavros just texted me. And he ended it. He's not coming! He said he doesn't have time to come and get me because he already RSVPed to Diddy's white party and doesn't have time to do both. But I was supposed to be his date to the white party!
Johnny: Alexis, he was never my favorite, Stavros. I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my sixtieth.
David: Just out of sheer curiosity, where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute? Like, is it still cute, or is it-
Alexis: You're a dick, David!
David: Oh, I'm a dick? Okay, did I dump you for a party?

Alexis: As if I didn't see this coming. He's broken up with me five times already. Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio, and remember that time that he gave me his ex wife's engagement ring? And then last summer, that time that he left his molly in my glove compartment and then I got arrested?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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1.2

David: What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown?
Johnny: It's a nightshirt, David.

David: You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There's an Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening right now.
Alexis: Omigawd, that's who I was thinking of.
Johnny: You know what? I'll do it myself.
David: My best to Bob Cratchit.

Johnny: My wife and I will be taking breakfast in our room this morning - eggs florentine and a yogurt parfait.
Stevie: Yeah, unfortunately, due to a lack of everything, we don't do room service.

Alexis: Eww! Who even is this girl? He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet. Omigawd, she has hakuna matata tattooed on her foot.
David: Stavros was seeing escorts before you. A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise.
Alexis: We said no social media post breakup. We had a pact about that.
David: He dates hookers.

David: Well, I think it's best that he dumped you.
Alexis: He didn't dump me. We actually both decided that it was best that he see other people.
Moira: Children, mindless bickering is a luxury we may no longer afford. You are blind to reality and for that, I am most proud.

David: Oh, excuse me. I don't think my sheets have been cleaned. They smell like cigarettes.
Stevie: No, that's just the way they smell. Also you can tell your dad that the plumber was busy so I just pushed the bed against the wall and put down a bucket where the bed was.

Stevie: I know this probably isn't your thing, but there's a tailgate party later. It's not exactly clubbing but you know, close.
David: I don't even know what tailgate means. In my mind, I'm picturing like a Klan rally.
Stevie: Yeah, just fewer pointy hats. It's just townies with un-ironic haircuts.
David: Okay. I'm going pass. I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight.

Alexis: Is there a bar in this place or are we in one of those religio cult towns?
Stevie: I was just telling your brother about a party tonight. But he passed.
Alexis: Um, yes. Love that journey for me. Okay, so I'm looking for a guy, like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7". Kind of like full lips, athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute. David: No, it wouldn't.

Johnny: Moira, Roland wants the family there tonight, so my family has to go tonight. Let me explain something about business. It's a dance. And sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow.
Moira: And which are you doing now, John?
Johnny: I am leading, Moira.
Moira: In a Roland game, I think you're following.
Johnny: Following in the game but leading in the dance, right? And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think -
Moira: Are you listening to this? 
David: Hmm?
Johnny: It doesn't matter. I'm leading.
Moira: I shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose.

Jocelyn: Make yourselves at home. Roland is just on the toilet.
Johnny: Oh, what a surprise.

David: You have a really lovely home. It's really, um, understated.

Jocelyn: I hope everyone likes a cheeseball. It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him.

Jocelyn: So David, tell us about yourself. I hear you're a gallerist.
Roland: Wow. There's a $10 word.
Moira: David owned a brilliant gallery. Tell them about your last show.
Johnny: Tell them, David, tell them.
David: The gallery worked with Janet Kempfluugen.
Johnny: Kempfluugen?
David: She's a Brooklyn based performance artist. She's a big deal. Anyway, um, she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing, and breast feed members of the audience. It was a commentary on income inequality.

Alexis: Lip gloss?
Stevie: No, thank you.
Alexis: I wish I could pull off the whole gloomy no makeup look. It's so French.
Stevie: Thanks?

Alexis: So why are you single?
Stevie: Who said I'm single?
Alexis: Girl, we're on the hunt. I hope you're single.
Stevie: Oh, no. I'm not on the hunt. A town this size, you've either been through them or know a little too much about them.

Stevie: I don't know why you were so reluctant to show up here. You fit right in.
David: Well, my sister texted me "help" and my mind went straight to Deliverance. So I wasn't too far off.
Stevie: That's funny because your sister texted me from across the bonfire and said you'd probably show up here because you were bored and lonely and had nothing better to do.
David: Well, my sister is a broken shell of a human being.

Moira: So Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school, or you want to finish high school? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

Roland: Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face.
Moira: Excuse me?
Roland: I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favorite character on Sunrise Bay.
Moira: Thanks. 
Jocelyn: It's true. He lived for Sunrise Bay. I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I was as good as wall paper.
Roland: Hey, how many people did you slap on that show?

Alexis: This has been a lot of fun, but I'm starting to smell a little too much like campfire and denim and plaid and stuff so bye.

Stevie: Your choices are beer or beer.
David: I assume a pint glass is out of the question?
Alexis: You came! How was dinner?
David: Um, worse than this? Although at this point it's sort of a moving target.

Stevie: Here, hold this. Put your thumb over the tube. Okay, put the tube in your mouth. 
David: What? 
Stevie: Yeah. Just open your throat. And go down cause you're tall.
Alexis: David, how long are you gonna be doing this? Okay, just come and get me after you vomit, okay?
Stevie: Just widen your throat. Chug!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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1.3

Johnny: What the hell is this?
Ray: The town sign.
Johnny: Is this the real sign or the joke sign?
Ray: What do you mean?
Johnny: You don't see anything wrong with this? The man! Standing awfully close to that woman, wouldn't you say?
Ray: Well, he's holding on to her so she doesn't fall into the creek.

Moira: They dare to call me irrelevant? Shag carpeting, that's irrelevant!

Moira: Anonymous. Ominous.

Alexis: So that guy from the other night - he's not for me, right?
David: What guy?
Alexis: That beardy guy that I kissed at the party. He's gross, right? Like, that's not a thing for me. There wasn't, like, a spark or anything.
David: You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can?
Alexis: Yeah, that one.

Johnny: Have you seen your mother today?
Alexis: Um, yeah, she was face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet.
Johnny: And you didn't say anything?
Alexis: I thought she was maybe looking for a contact or something.
Johnny: Yeah, she googled herself again. Now she's having one of her things. 
Alexis: How bad is it?
Johnny: How bad is it? A solid seven.
David: It's not an eight, which seems manageable for you.
Johnny: Well, except I've got a few things I have to take care of, so I need you two to go in, and take-
Alexis: No, I did Saint-Tropez.
David: And I did her birthday. And Aspen twice.
Johnny: And I'm trying to sell this town so if you kids want any chance of getting out of here, you'll help me out and go in and look after your mother.
Alexis: Well, my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today.
Johnny: Yeah, and my horoscope says why don't you go in and help your mother! And don't let her out of your sight, okay? We don't want her detonating in public.
Alexis: I know. Though it is kind of fun to watch though.
Johnny: Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car.

Johnny: What's that? 
David: Eye cream. 
Johnny: From where?
David: From Paris.
Johnny: How did you pay for it?
David: Oh, one of my credit cards is still working.
Johnny: Oh, you're charging things to your credit card? I see. And how are you going to pay for it?
David: I don't think you understand. I already have it.
Johnny: Well, I know this is a bizarre concept for you, David, but if you want eye cream from Paris, you need a job so you can pay for the eye cream from Paris.

Alexis: You know what I think we should do? I think we should go get something to eat because when you're eating you can't be talking to me, okay?
Moira: You know what I think? 
Alexis: What?
Moira: You date pigs.
Alexis: Okay, I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit.
Moira: Oh, darling, I'm only telling you because it's true.
Alexis: And because you gobbled down a hundred thousand anti-depressants this morning.
Moira: I was hungry! But I could still eat.

David: Hi, um, question. If one were to theoretically look for a job here in Schitt's Creek, where would you suggest that that person go to look? Is there, like, a bulletin board or a pamphlet, or something with information on it?
Stevie: No, no bulletin board. What kind of job are you looking for?
David: Um, something in, like, art curating or trend forecasting.
Stevie: Oh, okay, let's see. Not seeing anything in art curating or trend forecasting. That's weird. Do you have any other skills or areas of expertise?
David: I've been told I have really good taste.
Stevie: Oh, well, that's good. Um, let's see. Oh! Bag boy at the grocery store.
David: I don't know what that is.
Stevie: You put groceries in bags so that people can carry their groceries out of the grocery store.
David: Okay, and how much do you think that would pay?
Stevie: Mmm, I'm gonna say minimum wage.
David: Which is what? Forty, forty-five something an hour?
Stevie: Exactly.

Moira: I would like two apple fritters, a sliver of pecan pie, large fries with gravy, and bacon!
Alexis: Okay, so she will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please, thank you.
Moira: And some pecan pie, onion rings, and ice cream!
Alexis: Actually, none of that, and I will have a tea, thank you.

Alexis: So why do they give you table scraps? Are you, like, a poor person?
Mutt: Uh, no, but thanks for asking. No, I use it to compost. You know, that way nothing gets thrown out.
Alexis: Composting? Yeah, no, I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.

Jocelyn: Hello, Moira! How are you?
Moira: I'm eating egg whites and hoping the building will collapse.

Johnny: Well, the interview's where you make your first good impression, so it's got to count.
David: I'm interviewing to be a bag boy, not a personal injury lawyer.
Johnny: David, I've had enough people hire enough people in my day to know exactly what they're looking for in an interview so let's go! Let's get up.
David: For what?
Johnny: Come in! Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position.
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job?
David: I don't want this job.
Johnny: Well, thank you very much, and don't expect a phone call.
David: Okay. 
Johnny: All right, do it right! Or let's not do it. Now, we're gonna start again.
David: Okay. 
Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job?
David: I ran out of eye cream.
Johnny: Okay, you're not gonna get this job. You're not gonna get this job! You know why? Your attitude sucks! And look at how you're dressed! What is this? Colostomy bag pants! I'm the manager of a family run grocery store. I'm not gonna hire you!

Jared: Come on, Kaylee, try this. It's cool.
Tiffany: I can be cool without drugs, Mark.
Moira: Okay, stop! No one speak. Not a word. It's not your fault. The script is garbage. Okay, which one of you wrote this?
Jocelyn: I did.
Moira: Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs?
Jocelyn: No.
Moira: Then write what you know, okay? The quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton.
Jocelyn: That's not what I know, Moira, and drug awareness is part of the curriculum, so-
Moira: I'm going to work with these two. What is it that you want?
Jared: To go home.
Moira: Is that where you keep the stash? You want the marijuana?
Tiffany: Yes?
Moira: No, you want to be seen and heard and loved! Now what is it you need? It's different. Be careful. What is it you need?

Roland: That is my great grandfather up there, Horace Schitt. He was a visionary, Johnny. He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is. And I'm proud of him. You understand that?
Johnny: Roland, you've got this all wrong.
Roland: Why do you hate me?
Johnny: I don't hate you. I don't hate you!
Roland: Well then why do you have a problem with a sign that celebrates my family?
Johnny: It's just the way they're celebrating, that's all.
Roland: Okay, so now you hate my family.
Johnny: I don't hate your family.
Roland: Well then what is your big fat problem with the sign?
Johnny: It looks like your great grandfather's fucking your great grandmother right up the ass!
Roland: Omigawd, that is so demented!
Johnny: You can't tell me you don't see that!
Roland: Well, you know, now that you put that creepy thought in my head, sure, I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal! Let me enlighten you, Mr. Johnny Rose. That isn't even Horace's wife. That's his sister.
Johnny: Well, how does that make it any better? 
Roland: Well, I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters!
Johnny: Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?
Roland: Oh my. 
Johnny: Oh my! Yes, oh my!
Roland: All right, Johnny, well I never really looked at it that way, but now I get it. I'll do something about it. I'll fix it, all right? And thank you for bringing that up to me.

Moira: You can't let others define you. Look at me! Never let the bastards get you down! You must prepare for life and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass.

Grocery store manager: Good, you're getting the hang of it.
David: Well, putting groceries in a bag is not as complicated as one might think.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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1.4

Moira: I need you to fill this out please.
Alexis: Fill what out?
Moira: Your community service papers. As our only delinquent, I hope it's not asking too much.
Alexis: I still have to do that?
Johnny: Generally, that's how it works, honey. When you break the law, you've got to serve your sentence.
Alexis: Well, it was one DUI.
Moira: Please, before I lose my mind.
Alexis: I don't get it. It's all done.
Moira: No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in.
Alexis: Um, all that's missing is my middle name.
Moira: Then fill it in, please.
Alexis: Do I have to do that?
Moira: Why must you be so constantly irksome?
Alexis: Do you not know my middle name?
Moira: Of course I do. I blessed you with it.
Alexis: Okay, so then what name should I put down then?
Johnny: Alexis, do as your mother says, please.
Alexis: Do you know my middle name?
Johnny: If I said Anna-
Alexis: I can't believe this.
Moira: Alexis something Rose. We have so many disasters bombarding us right now, my dear, the middle name of an ungrateful child is hardly a priority.
David: Wait, Alexis has a middle name? Why is this the first time hearing of this? Do do I have a middle name?

Moira: Have we failed them, John? I'm worried about our children. Are we terrible parents?
Johnny: Terrible parents? We sent them to the best boarding schools. We hired the best nannies. We did everything right. I mean, they're not overly affectionate with us and, uh, there's a lot more disrespect than I'd like, but, uh, no, we're good parents.

Ronnie: So what's your deal? You're pretty. What's that like?
Alexis: Um, it's good.
Ronnie: Yeah, lots of doors open up for pretty people.
Alexis: Mmm hmm, clearly, as I register for community service.
Ronnie: So what'd you do?
Alexis: I drove into the Prada store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look a lot like the entrance to a parking garage.
Ronnie: Uh huh.
Alexis: And I was high at the time.
Ronnie: Are you high right now?
Alexis: No, I'm not.
Ronnie: Well, you might wanna be cause [community service] isn't exactly thrilling work.

David: Who needs fourteen grey suits? 
Stevie: I'm still trying to figure out why you'd own more than one piece of clothing you can't put in a washing machine.
David: You try putting a cashmere sweater in the washing machine. It'll bite your wrist.
Stevie: That's a problem I'd like to have. Are these all your clothes?
David: Yeah.
Stevie: What's this then?
David: It's a sweater.
Stevie: It's one chromosome away from a crocheted blanket.
David: What?
Stevie: It's just your clothes - they're all kind of funky.
David: Funky?
Stevie: Yeah. Funky.
David: What about this is funky? I'm just having a hard time understanding.
Stevie: It's just, you know, like, funky. Different.
David: Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This is luxury.
Stevie: There's a lot of stuff here. Have you ever considered selling some of this?
David: These are my things. I've hand selected each of these things. They mean a lot to me. How much do you think I can get for this?

Alexis: So you got busted for selling drugs? Like hard drugs? Did you wear a hazmat suit and work in a trailer?
Mutt: No. It was just weed and mushrooms, uppers. Mostly to truckers and my high school teachers. 

Alexis: It's actually pretty clean around here, which is shocking considering the state of our motel room. Speaking of unfit homes, why do you live in a barn?
Mutt: What's wrong with living in a barn?
Alexis: Mmm, nothing if you're a goat.

David: I feel like we should break these into categories. Um, fit, fabric, and nationality.
Stevie: Or we could do this - keep or sell? 
David: Well, those are- 
Stevie: Keep or sell?
David: Uh-
Stevie: Just keep or sell. 
David: Sell. Sell them. I got these at a showroom in Paris.
Stevie: I got these on the clearance rack at Target.
David: Eight fifty.
Stevie: Eight fifty what?
David: Eight hundred-
Stevie: Dollars?
David: Eight hundred and fifty dollars.
Stevie: Eight hundred and fifty dollars?
David: These are a collector's item. There's a woman in Paris that makes them by hand.
Stevie: My car's worth less than your pants.
David: Well, I've seen your car and that makes sense to me.

Johnny: Now back at Rose Video, we had management retreats where we would play fun team-building exercises.
David: You also had company-wide spa days. Why don't we try that?

David: No, the game is two truths and a lie. That's the game.
Johnny: So you've heard of it.
Alexis: Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.
Johnny: Okay, whatever. It's a good game. Now here's how it goes. I'll give you an example.
David: Why don't I start? Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game. So here's a hint  - sadly, I'm not drunk.
Johnny: Okay, wrong attitude.
Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.
Johnny: Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody.
Moira: Her eyes are aqua.
Johnny: You did what?
Alexis: I'm kidding! I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex.
Johnny: When were you in Thailand?
Alexis: I told you that I was on spring break. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.
David: How many people do you know that are currently in the prison system? Is it like twelve? 
Alexis: Um, I'm pretty sure just two.
Johnny: All right, that's enough. Good game. Good game, everybody. Alexis, you're grounded.
Alexis: No! That was ten years ago, and everybody does dumb stuff in high school.
Johnny: You were 17?

Johnny: You know, I remember when Alexis was just a chubby-faced little girl racing around the house in that banned babywalker, and now she's spending time In a drug lord's trunk?
Twyla: Oh, that is my favorite Liam Neeson movie.

David: The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.

Mutt: Why would I sleep with my mother?
Alexis: Well, now that I know that she's your mother, that makes a lot more sense to me.

Mutt: Do you normally go around spying on people?
Alexis: Um, you left me here to be abducted by long haul truckers. I just went to find you.

Alexis: So why are you sneaking around with your mom anyway? What's the big secret?
Mutt: It's my dad. We don't really get along. He really takes the whole mayor tradition in the family thing seriously and I'm just not that into labels, you know? 
Alexis: "Labels?" And you wonder why I make fun of you.
Mutt: Oh, and you are totally in sync with your parents?
Alexis: Um, yeah, because they always wanted a daughter with a record, who dropped out of college, so pretty much delivered on that one.

David: Wait, you want to have sex with me?
Stevie: No. I don't think anybody has sex in [this motel room] unless they're being paid for it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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5.1

Johnny: How are you doing? I mean, how does it feel to be back in the saddle?
Moira: Oh John, there's a sweetness in the air, and I'm not just saying that because we shoot next to a baklava factory.

Johnny: You'd better remember which nails you pulled those wigs from because your mother keeps a spreadsheet.

Alexis: I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay between you and Patrick.
David: Yeah. Why? Why? What did what did he say to you?
Alexis: No, nothing. I just got scared when I saw your score on this relationship quiz because according to M'Lady Magazine's "How Electric Is Your Relationship?" quiz from summer 1991, you and Patrick are in need of a generator. Poor thing!
David: Okay, first of all, it's Major Lady Magazine, and second of all, that quiz is garbage.
Alexis: Mmm, totally, David. This garbage quiz that it looks like you took more than once.
David: Yeah, because it's rigged. You could take it 1000 times and you'd still get the same outcome.
Alexis: Oh, it's okay, David. You and Patrick have settled in to that like, nine to five life, so things are probably starting to feel a little snooze town.
David: You're dating a vet who irons his polo shirts.
Alexis: Um, Ted and I got electrical storm.
David: That's impossible. What did you do to get that? Did you plug your hairdryer in with wet hands again?
Alexis: Hey, that happened twice, David. Let it go. Sorry that we work hard to keep the sparks flying.
David: That's disgusting.
Alexis: We've actually started taking every Friday afternoon off to go on adventure dates. 
David Adventure dates sound like something a marriage counselor would prescribe as a last resort.
Alexis: Okay, fine. I was going to see if you guys wanted to join us this afternoon, but you probably have more exciting things to do, like put price tags on things.

Moira: Doctor Clara Beatrice Mandrake at your service. Middle name wasn't scripted, but I've done my homework.

Blaine: The script's a total dumpster fire, of course.
Moira: Ha! If the script were garbage, I don't believe we'd have signed on.
Blaine: It's an apocalyptic fantasy about mutant crows. I think we all know what we're making here.
Moira: A timely allegory about prejudice. 
Blaine: Okay, Maura, is it? 
Moira: Moira.
Blaine: My last picture was a $50 million dollar studio project. I think it's safe to say that this is not that.
Moira: And what exactly is this to you then?
Blaine: A trip to Bora Bora.
Moira: I see. Bora Bora. Caroline Kennedy once called it the Atlantic City of French Polynesia.

Roland: I mean, come on, what's next? I go home and he's playing strip backgammon with my wife?

David: Have I ever told you how sexy it is to walk in here and see you doing inventory? And wearing those little rubber thimbles on your fingers?
Patrick: They help me flip the pages easier.
David: Hot. You know what else is hot and sexy? Doing something spontaneous this afternoon.
Patrick: Ooh, like what? You helping me with the inventory?
David: Yes. Or taking the afternoon off. Mixing up the nine to five.
Patrick: Okay, well, nine to five are our store hours, so it's kind of hard to build customer loyalty when your store is just, like, spontaneously open or closed.

Patrick: I guess we could duck out a little early today. It will just mean we'll have to start early tomorrow.
David: You know, it's that unshakable sense of responsibility that makes me want to just rip those little rubber things and burn them in a fire.

Johnny: Moira, what's the good word?
Moira: Oh John, I'm afraid I've made a grave error in judgment.
Johnny: Oh sweetheart, I told you not to drink the tap water.

Johnny: This isn't some rinky-dink made-for-TV movie, or a voice gig for an X-rated Japanese video game.
Moira: That was rated M for mature, John.

Moira: If Sandy Bullock hadn't fought to keep the Speed Franchise alive, we never would've had Cruise Control.

Twyla: Just so you're aware, Mr. Rose, the special is cream of mushroom soup. We don't actually have to-go containers for that, so I've just double-bagged it. Would you like a spoon, or a straw?

Patrick: I have to say, David, I'm a little shocked that you agreed to do this. I know how fearful you are of heights.
David: Well, fearful makes me sound like some Dickensian orphan with a chronic illness. It's more an aversion.

David: I couldn't imagine who wouldn't want to dangle 20 feet in the air on a series of shaky logs.
Ted: It's actually closer to 30 feet, bud.
Patrick: David's never done anything like this before. 
Ted: Uh oh, we've got a virgin!
David: Okay, you might wanna talk to half my birthright trip about that.

Ted: You feeling okay, David? You're looking a little flushed.
David: No, just using a new tinted moisturizer, that's all.

Blaine: None of my phone chargers are working! I ask for a pressed juice, and all I get are blank stares.

Moira: I worked in soaps. They had me play my own father who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy. I still hold the record for the longest-running demonic possession on daytime television.

Stevie: Mr. Rose, I hope that someday I find someone who I can stand long enough to feel a little lost when they're not around.

Alexis: Hey David, just pretend you're in like, a super dangerous walk-and-turn sobriety test. 

Patrick: Why would he agree do this when he's afraid of heights?
Alexis: He's not afraid of heights, He's afraid of moths and butterflies.
Ted: And businesswomen in sneakers.
David: Okay, I can hear you!
Patrick: And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was-
Alexis: Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down.

Patrick: We're doing all of this so that you can prove our relationship is exciting?
David: I failed the stupid quiz and Alexis made me feel bad about it.
Alexis: David, you're basically 40 years old. I shouldn't be able to make you feel bad about anything.

David: I love our relationship. I love it when you order me pizza. I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers cause you think they flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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5.2

Moira: Your wayfaring thespian has returned! I don't want to jinx anything but the shoot was a triumph. The local Bosnians are calling it a stunning re-invigoration of the "Crows Have Eyes" franchise. That, of course, is a loose translation.

Moira: John, no need to get out of bed, dear. I'm sure you considered planning a little more fanfare for my return, but oh, it's best to ease back in.
Johnny: It's 3:30 in the morning. You said you were coming in today at noon.
Moira: Yes, noon Bosnian Mountain Time, that is - which was several hours ago, John. Oh, and what a journey it has been! Production had me routed through Nairobi for some reason and then our plane was grounded after flying through a swarm of locusts. I didn't want to miss my third connection so I took a Bosnian upper just to keep awake. Those things are the size of a nickel so I only took one. At least, I think I did. I may have taken a second one just to be safe because I don't know if I took that first one, or not. Either way, I've been up since 8am three days ago with time changes factored in.

Moira: Instead of sleeping last night, I decided to just power right through. You know, best to round up to an even four days.

Moira: Before your father met me, he was not quite so selective. I hesitate to add he even had a predilection for boom boom girls.
Alexis: Okay, I would like to remind you that I don't have a therapist anymore.

Alexis: Look at you all dressed up, Mr. Sporty Spice.
Ted: Uh, yeah, I'm dressed for the run that we're supposed to be going on, but I don't think you can run in those.
Alexis: Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.
Ted: So that's a no on the run, then?
Alexis: Okay, honestly Ted, I've had a very traumatic morning at home, so going on a run is, like, the last thing that I want to do. Also, I forgot.
Ted: Okay well, that's actually like, scary, because we texted about it twice last night, and twice this morning, but anyway, is everything okay?
Alexis: Like, other than reading some very porny love letters that someone sent my dad, sure.

Ted: I think it's kind of romantic to hang on to things from old relationships. I've certainly kept some things from our past. I take it that you haven't?
Alexis: Um, harsh. I for sure have.
Ted: Yeah, it's just that your face is doing some really weird stuff right now.
Alexis: No, because you put me on the spot! There's, like, a very long list of things that I've kept.
Ted: Oh, really? Like what?
Alexis: Like that empty book that you gave me. 
Ted: The journal? 
Alexis: Yes! The journal. And very likely some jewelry. Like a ring, or -
Ted: A locket? 
Alexis: Yes. The locket you gave me. I kept that the most.
Ted: Oh yeah, it's just funny, I don't think I've ever seen you wear it.
Alexis: I'm just so scared of losing it.

Ted: You've never written in a journal, have you?
Alexis: No, but one time I did do a book report on David's diary and it was very dark.

Jocelyn: What are these?
Moira: Oh, just some old love letters written by another woman onto which John has been clutching.
Jocelyn: Wow, I have been down this road. I once found a bag of Roland's ex-girlfriends' bras. Burned them. Except for the ones that were my size.

David: I've never been robbed before, and I had friends that lived in Brooklyn.

Alexis: Hey, Twy? I've always admired your jewelry game. You just, like, pick a few pieces, and just and wear them to death.
Twyla: Oh, if you're talking about my earrings, the clasp broke so I actually physically cannot take them off.
Alexis: Okay, I am experiencing the same problem. All of my jewelry is boring.
Twyla: Is that what I said?

Alexis: I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you.
Twyla: We're not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but maybe I could take that bracelet?
Alexis: Yes! I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party and I kept it.

Roland: Look Johnny, everybody likes to take trips down memory lane, but you gotta get rid of the evidence. Do you know what a burnt underwire smells like?

Roland: Geez, Johnny, I'm on your side, pal. Unless things get messy. In that case, I'm going to be on Moira's side.

David: So I guess it was sort of like a low end poly-blend hooded sweatshirt in what I could only describe as an aubergine color.
Police: And just in case he changes his outfit, do you have a rough idea of his physical description?
David: Right, um, well, I guess, my build. 
Stevie: That's being generous. 
David: If I was at my goal weight.

Ted: I'm actually kind of relieved because that means that you also kept favorite photo of the two of us.
Alexis: I keep that photo in a locked folder on my phone.

Ted: I should probably tell you that I didn't actually keep everything that you gave me.
Alexis; That's fine.
Ted: Yeah, after the breakup, I took some of your stuff to the incinerator along with some pets that needed to be cremated.
Alexis: Eww. 
Ted: And you think you feel bad? The wallet that you gave me was still in there, and I had forgotten to take some of the cards out, and I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub.
Alexis: Okay, well, if it makes you feel any better, that was David's wallet.

Johnny: Moira, you wrote those letters!
Moira: Don't be absurd, that is not my writing.
Johnny: It was that week on Sunrise Bay when Vivian Blake had her accident. You were in a body cast - they wouldn't let you take it off. You were writing with your left hand.
Moira: The spelunking incident.
Johnny: No, it was after she got thrown upwards through a skylight.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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On 1/16/2019 at 4:25 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Johnny: You better remember which nails you pulled those wigs from because your mother keeps a spreadsheet.

 

This is one of the most perfect descriptions of the Rose family ever,

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"Mmmm, Eat glass!!" is perfect. I have to start using that in life. 

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S5.E3

Alexis: Emir Kaplan is a very influential travel blogger, so it is of the utmost importance that we all make him feel at home.
Roland: Well, if he's looking for that homey feeling, I should just invite him over for dinner. Joss is making pot roast. All he'd have to bring is a couple of sides, a bottle of wine, and something nice for the house. Nothing cheap.

Johnny: When we wanted to impress people at Rose Video, we'd sometimes hire actors who would come in as plants, pretending to be customers! Walk around, talk up whatever they're paid to talk up.
Alexis: I know, I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.

Ray: Gentlemen, you're gonna laugh, but I just remembered, we do have eggs. They're in the pantry, next to the pancake mix, which means they've been sitting out for days. Are we feeling lucky?
David: Can I still have the pancakes?
Ray: Yes!

Jocelyn: We really need to rehearse that Nine Inch Nails medley for our concert at Yarn for Cheap.

Emir: It's always good to know who your neighbors are in a place like this. Iit's kind of a roll of the dice, but you seem somewhat normal. 
Stevie: Thank you for saying that. Everyone agreed that I was the normal one in my cell block at the women's prison, so.
Emir: Oh, wow. Which prison? Maybe you know my wife.
Stevie: I don't. I'm kidding.
Emir: I don't have a wife - anymore. 
Stevie: Oh, disappeared?
Emir: I'll never stop looking.

Alexis: Um, did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?
David: Hey, we're just going to look.
Alexis: Yeah, and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.

Moira: Now, Ronnie, the line has been changed to, "I want to kiss you like an animal."
Ronnie: I'll remember it on the day.
Moira: I say we wrap things up on a high. Ladies, scour your closets for black leather. Pleather accepted.

Roland: Our VIP is still in his room, so we should probably hold off on the turn-down service.
Johnny: What turn-down service?
Roland: Oh, that's just a little something I've initiated now that I'm Guest Services Manager.
Johnny: I thought you were a liaison.
Roland: No, I gave myself a promotion.

Johnny: Hey Stevie, what's the intel?
Stevie: Uh, well, I had a nap, then a beer, and now I need $40.

David: I thought this was the penthouse.
Ray: It is the top floor of three floors.

David: Speaking of size, Ray, I've yet to see a closet. Is there a is there a walk-in that I'm missing?
Ray: Oh, the closet is right over here. This is what small-space realtors refer to as a step-in closet.

Roland: I turned down your bed for you, but I didn't have any chocolates so I left a doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow.

David: If I've learned anything from House Hunters, you always see the loft space, the charming English cottage, and the renovated craftsman that you don't really want to take but the producers are going force you to see anyway before you make any major decisions.

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S5.E4

Johnny: Moira, the water's ice cold! How long were you in [the shower]?
Moira: John, you know my ritual. Five to ten minutes to let the water warm, there's the initial scrub followed by the deep conditioner which must set for twenty minutes, and finally the double rinse cycle.

Alexis: There must be some mistake here. This [dress] is valued at $3700. What designer gave you that kind of discount?
Moira: Sadly it's not custom this time around, Alexis. Mommy had to shop off the rack. Fortunately I discovered something called a promo code.

Alexis: I once passed off a mini horse and three guinea pigs as service animals so anything is possible.

David: I've been neglecting my wellness journeys so the cherry blossoms opening when we both have time off is really ticking a lot of boxes for me.
Stevie: Are you sure the cherry blossoms are even open now? I thought that wasn't for another couple weeks.
David: I called the botanical garden and had the girl send me a photo. I learned the hard way from my last trip to Japan. Showed up, no cherry blossoms, turned right back around. It was such a waste.

Stevie: Amir, the hotel reviewer-
David: That you had the dirty motel sex with?
Stevie: Well, when you put it that way, it sort of cheapens it.

David: I'm not going to the botanicial garden by myself! What? Am I going to walk around and admire the cherry blossoms alone like some pervert?

Alexis: Most people are a fan [of me] so when someone's not, it's usually on them.

Alexis: I will see you for lunch then, "doctor."
Ted: I actually am a doctor.
Alexis: So am I.
Ted: No, you're not.

David: I guess the one good thing to come out of this abduction is that if anyone knows how to crawl out from under an embarrassing romantic failure, it's me.

David: If this wasn't so humiliating for you, I think I'd be in a darker head space right now, but since it is the hotel bar has karaoke. I say we get several rounds of polar bear shots, load up some Mariah, and I will spend the rest of the night pretending not to resent you.

Roland: Urgent question: what's our policy on smoke breaks?
Johnny: Who's taking a smoke break?
Roland: I am.
Johnny: You don't smoke.
Roland: Yeah, I know, and I don't think I should be penalized for that.

David: Good news! They have "Fantasy," which means that you get to play Old Dirty Bastard.

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David: If this wasn't so humiliating for you, I think I'd be in a darker head space right now, but since it is the hotel bar has karaoke. I say we get several rounds of polar bear shots, load up some Mariah, and I will spend the rest of the night pretending not to resent you.

I loved the follow-up to this-

Stevie: I'll get the first round.

David: Oh, you'll be getting every round. 

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I can’t believe I JUST discovered this thread. It’s had me laughing all morning. This is just the best show. I’ve loved Catherine and Eugene since SCTV days and part of me feels like they really are married. (I know). I just about swoon when a hint of Lola Heatherton pops out in Moira’s character, like when she sings with David. 

I absolutely love how Alexis says, “DAY-VUDD!!”

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S5.E5

David: [Patrick] told me he doesn't want my help so I'm just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail.

Jocelyn: Remember that time that you told me you'd be there for me if I ever needed you?
Alexis: I don't think that was me.

Johnny: Well, that was weird.
Moira: Seriously. A night time couple's massage? What is this? 1985?

Moira: [Roland and Jocelyn] aren't going to ask someone your age [to watch their baby].
Johnny: We raised two kids.
David: "Raised" might be a stretch. Our nursery was in a different wing of the house.
Johnny: A design flaw.
Moira: I'm a light sleeper.

Johnny: Roland and Jocelyn don't think we can take care of a kid!
Moira: That's an argument I wanted to lose.

Moira: Now I have to go to Ronnie's by myself!
Johnny: What?
Moira: I told you. The Lifetime network is reairing the movie I did with Joyce DeWitt, remember? "Not Without My Cousin." And Ronnie's tv gets that channel. I told you this, John! Or at least I'm telling you now.

Moira: John, my sweet husband, we have nothing to prove as parents. We did our best for our children.
Johnny: Yeah, we were there most weeknights. For at least a couple of hours.
Moira: Unless we were out for the evening.
Johnny: Yeah, or jetting around.
Moira: Or if it was a really long day.

Patrick: They go with my overall theme of good old fashioned high school slumber party.
David: I don't know why you were so quick to dismiss my theme idea.
Patrick: Where is anybody going to find glass blown Venetian masks around here? Besides people are kind of excited about the high school idea.
David: Okay, walk me through the whole high school idea. Models and teen actors are just going to lounge around in their bras and thongs and take polaroids of themselves all night?
Patrick: What was your high school experience like?
David: What was yours like? Besides where are going to find a salad bowl of E this last minute?
Patrick: You know, I think this could be a kind of a fun opportunity for you to rewrite your past a little bit.
David: It's just that my parents have spent an astounding amount of money on therapy to try to do that already so forgive me for not wanting to run back into the fire.

Ted: This is so silky.
Alexis: Yeah, it's my dad's housecoat from storage. I was thinking we could go [to the party] as Hef, RIP, and a Playboy bunny.
Ted: Isn't the theme high school slumber party?
Alexis: It is. My best friend Summer used to date Hef in high school which isn't as weird as it sounds cause he was, like, a very young 77.

Moira: It's not like the old days when we could just call Adelina and have her rush home from her daughter's wedding.

Johnny: You're going to miss your screening.
Moira: I'll go after the first commercial break. That's when the action happens anyway, when my cousin and I begin our backpack through Lebanon.

Alexis: Never have I ever pretended to be a pizza delivery person so I could get into Jared Leto's Halloween party.
David: You're a bitch.
[David takes a drink]
Twyla: My mom was engaged to two pizza delivery guys. Can that count? Because I am really thirsty.

Alexis: What can I get you to drink?
Ted: Oh, no, don't worry about that. After you used all of my booze for your punch, the only alcohol left in my fridge was a few of your rum raspberry coconut coolers so I just polished them off and it tasted like burnt plastic and I regretted it instantly.

David: Hey, do you want to put Emir away for a hot sec so this game can keep going and the party can end soon?
Stevie: Oh, I'm good. I don't want to kiss anyone here.
David: My sister's sitting in the circle, You think I'm dying to play?

Ted: Oh, hey, I could use a refill too, big guy.
Alexis: Okay, I don't know where "big guy" is coming from, but it needs to stop.

Moira: Oh, if it weren't for Joyce DeWitt insisting on wearing those pigtails, this movie could've been a hit. We're supposed to be astrophysicists. It just takes you out of it. And yet she gets the close up.
Johnny: Well, that was shocking. 
Moira: I know, right? And I get the aerial shot for my love scene.

David: What are you guys doing over here? You remind me of me at a high school house party judging all the attractive and popular kids for being attractive and popular.
Alexis: David, do you have anything you want to say to me and Patrick? 
David: Actually, yes. Now as an attractive and popular kid at a house party, I can confidently say it's very fun. 
Alexis: That's it? That's all you have to say?
David: What's going on here?
Alexis: Mmm, things got effed, and we're not having fun anymore.
Stevie: For what it's worth, I'm having a great time.
David: You're not having fun?
Patrick: I don't know, David, sure.
David: What exactly did I do wrong here?
Alexis: Oh, I don't know, David. Was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? Or was it the time you kissed my boyfriend?
Stevie: I think it was the time you kissed her boyfriend.

Johnny: Well, we did it, sweetheart. And what do you think we've learned here today?
Moira: That Adelina was grossly underpaid.
Johnny: No, I mean, we could've been good hands-on parents if we wanted to. We've got it in us.
Moira: That was never in question, John. I'm even more convinced that our hands-off approach served them better.

Moira: I have to hand it to DeWitt. She had a real breakthrough during the denouement. I believe she believed we were cousins.

David: I'm just going to take the garbage out. If I don't come back, it's probably because I've run off with Ted.
Patrick: Thanks for the heads up.
David: We're just going to go for a ride, see where it takes us. Maybe start a vet clinic somewhere along the way. He'll nurse the animals back to heath. I'll offer grooming services.

Patrick: I didn't love seeing my boyfriend kissing some other guy.
David: I'm sorry, are you saying you were jealous?
Patrick: David, I'm not playing this game with you.
David: No, you just said you didn't like seeing your boyfriend kissing another guy.
Patrick: Okay, fine. He's a handsome guy. I might've been a little jealous.
David: So you think he's handsome then?
Patrick: What? He's like, he goes to the gym. 
David: Goes to the gym?
Patrick: Omigawd.
David: Wow, okay, so when you said you were jealous, were you saying you were jealous of him or jealous of me? Because I thought you were saying you were jealous of him.
Patrick: Both?
David: Not the answer I was looking for.

Patrick: I wonder what would've happened if we had met in high school.
David: Well, unless you were into candy ravers with asymmetrical haircuts and a lot of pacifier necklaces, I think our paths crossed at the right time.

Alexis: You still have your slippers on.
Ted: Yeah, I know. Sometimes my feet get really cold when I drink too much. 
Alexis: It's not a thing. 
Ted: Okay, well, give me a kiss. 
Alexis: No! You kissed my brother tonight. I'm not kissing you after you kissed my brother.
Ted: Pffft! Who kissed your brother?
Alexis: Okay, it's time for Fun Ted to just pass out.
Ted: No, he's not even tired. In fact, if anything, I'd say he's only becoming more fun. 
Alexis I think we should just, like, sleep it off.
Ted: Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. But first just give your brother a kiss. 
Alexis: Eww, Ted! Eww!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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S5.E6

Moira: A double cassette of the best body swaps of Sunrise Bay, season 21!

Jocelyn: We have to rehearse our Poison medley because when Ricky Rocket makes direct eye contact with you during "Talk Dirty to Me," you are going to want to talk dirty back!

Twyla: We could go to the cafe.
Jocelyn: Do they have a smoke machine at the cafe?
Twyla: No, but I can ask George to burn something on the grill.

Moira: I'm not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condy Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City, well, let's just say...

Twyla: This is the only casino I haven't been banned from as an unaccompanied minor.

Jocelyn: Do we still have a reservation at Bucky's Fried Chicken House?

Alexis: So you just plug in the information and it creates the website for you.
David: So what exactly am I paying you for then?
Alexis: I'm your brand consultant, David. I'm consulting with you on which template to use.

David: Are you finding everything you're looking for?
Ken: Actually I was wondering if I could have a pen and paper.
David: You're planning on doing some journaling?

Alexis: Score, Patrick!
David: Look at you, just drowning in other people's phone numbers.
Alexis: Who was that hunk with the teeny weenie little polo?
Patrick: His name is Ken.
David: Ken? Just when I thought it was impossible to find a thirty-something named Ken.
Alexis: I think he looked younger than thirty.
David: Fuck off, Alexis. What exactly did Ken do with my pen? Did he write down a banana bread recipe or was he looking for directions to someplace?

David: The great thing about owning a store is getting to flirt with the customers. Just last week, a woman came in and gave me her number.
Patrick: Do you mean the who wanted to know when the soap would be back in stock? Who came in here with her husband and kids?

Jocelyn: I was going to change and then I thought no, if my babysitter can show up wearing a crop the size of a bib, I can wear this to a casino.

Moira: I've come prepared with casino must haves - oxygen drops, antibacterial wipes, and military grade caffeine pills. The pills are from Condy so if anyone asks, you found them on the floor.

Patrick: I'm obviously not going to [call Ken].
David: Why not?
Patrick: Uh, because I'm in a committed relationship.

David: You have only been with me.
Patrick: And Rachel and like a handful of other girls.
David: Okay, we've all been with a handful of other girls.

Alexis: Hey, can you give me a ride to Ted's? It's basically on the way to Patrick's.
David: It's in the opposite direction.

David: If you must know, I sent Patrick off to have dinner with that guy who gave him his number today.
Alexis: That hot piece from the store? Why would you do that?
David: Because I think it's funny and I also think that it's important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.
Alexis: What if he doesn't come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I'd send them off with someone who wasn't a threat like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.

Alexis: So what are the GRs?
David: The what?
Alexis: The ground rules. What ground rules did you lay down before you sent him off with that hottie boom body?
David: I haven't sent him off with ground rules because this is a one night thing.
Alexis: Did you say that?
David: No.
Alexis: So at this point, he would like spend the night, double dip, kiss on the lips.
David: I don't know!
Alexis: Okay, this is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather bound binder full of them.

David: I have never been in this position before. Usually I'm the one finding out I'm in an open relationship after the fact.

Jocelyn: If you've have told me twenty years ago I'd be standing here with an empty chip bucket stoned out of my mind at at Doodlebops concert, I would have lit a menthol and had a laugh.

Jocelyn: I used to rock out.
Moira: Well, of course you did, as did anyone with brain cells to kill. I'm thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and the Rolling Stones.
Jocelyn: You rocked out with the Stones?
Moira: All except Charlie, but every party has a pooper.

Jocelyn: On the inside, I feel like I'm 19 years old, and then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I realize that I'm so not.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, you'll soon learn that we aging mortals are blessed with weakening eyes and memories so that we don't really have to see ourselves.

Twyla: Does anyone want more Bucky's?
Ronnie: No! Who knew that everything would contain chicken?
Moira; That dessert menu was especially disappointing. Black Forest tenders!

Patrick: This is going to sound totally petty, but something about [Ken's] shoes just made me feel really weird because they were like long and pointy but then-
David: Squared off at the toe.
Patrick: YES!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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David: I have never been in this position before. Usually I'm the one finding out I'm in an open relationship after the fact.

This one made me holler. Poor David.

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Electric Boogaloo, I cannot thank you enough for all of these.  I'm in my office, a little cranky to be working on a holiday when many are off, and trying to not LOL!  I am reading them and hearing their exact voices and sometimes they're almost funnier on the page.  So witty, so wacky, love this crew.

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On 2/5/2019 at 11:36 AM, Tabbygirl521 said:

I can’t believe I JUST discovered this thread. It’s had me laughing all morning. This is just the best show. I’ve loved Catherine and Eugene since SCTV days and part of me feels like they really are married. (I know). I just about swoon when a hint of Lola Heatherton pops out in Moira’s character, like when she sings with David. 

I absolutely love how Alexis says, “DAY-VUDD!!”

I was just coming here to post about the way both Moira and Alexis say “David”!

Moira says it softer, more like “Dahhhy-vad” and Alexis really hits the first syllable, “Deeeh-vahd”.  And they both turn it into a four syllable word.

It’s great.

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S5.E7

Moira: David, perhaps your indigestion is caused by the speed with which you consume your food.
David: We should do breakfast more often. This is really fun.

Patrick: You told me you were just running across the street for a cup of coffee. 
David: But then I got hungry. I hadn't eaten since last night.
Patrick: It's just that I have to get ready for my audition, and somebody has to be at the store, so...
Moira: You're being audited? Those bastards!
Patrick: No, uh, audition. I'm actually trying out for Cabaret.
Moira: Cabaret?
Patrick: You're familiar with the show?
David: Please don't start. 
Moira: The year was 1979. I was but 17.
David: She was not 17.
Moira: Hostessing at a charming gas station deli when the great director-
David and Moira: Rocky Nickels-
Moira: Came in for a Reuben. That's a sandwich. Little did he know, he would end up biting into something-
David and Moira: Far more suffonsifying.
Moira: A ripe young actress who he'd soon cast in the leading role of-
David and Moira: Sally Bowles. 
Moira: In the production of -
Patrickk, David, and Moira: Cabaret.
Moira: Yes! Ask me how many ovations I got on closing night.
David: Six. 
Moira: David, you know the answer!
Patrick: That's a lot of ovations.
Moira: Mmm hmm, three by demand, and three on the house. And who, may I ask, is bold enough to scale this cultural monolith?
Patrick: Jocelyn's actually directing for the community theater, so...
Moira: Jocelyn?
David: That's very ambitious of Jocelyn.
Patrick: Yeah well, I just thought it could be a fun thing to do.
Moira: Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic.
David: Okay, well, that's really encouraging.
Moira: What? They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg.

Jocelyn: Today is day one of auditions for Cabaret.
Moira: Cabaret?
Jocelyn: Yeah, I actually wanted to do Cats, but everybody said that it was too political, so.
Moira: I'm not sure you're aware of this Jocelyn, but Cabaret is the very show that launched my career. 
Jocelyn: Right! 1979, you had a Reuben.
Moira: No, but never mind. I'm simply here to wish you the best of luck.
Jocelyn: Moira, since you have the strong personal connection to Cabaret, do you think that you could help me?
Moira: No, this is your bebe, Jocelyn, and an artistic cradle robber, I am not.

David: Roland, you brought a baby into the store.
Roland: Yeah, and I don't know why I haven't brought him in sooner, this place is perfect.
David: Thank you so much.
Roland: Yeah, they say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence.
David: What can I do to shorten your stay in my store, Roland?
Roland: Oh, uh, Joss wanted me to pick up some of this organic applesauce. Organic - listen to me. Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?
David: No, no, you're not.

Johnny: When I was checking Cheryl in this morning, I got a bit of a vibe.
Alexis: Ew, what kind of vibe?
Johnny: I think I might've gotten a whisper of desire.
Alexis: "Whisper of des- " Omigawd! Please never use that phrase, like, ever again.

Stevie: Do you hear that?
Johnny: What?
Stevie: It's like a faint whisper of desire.

Bob: Do you want me to sing Ave Maria again?
Moira: If you must, but I think what Jocelyn is looking for here is a foreboding vibration of prewar Berlin, easy on the accent.

David: As you know, we can source basically anything you need when it comes to party essentials - gift bags, catering, shaman blessed crystals, artisanal reiki gloves.

Cheryl: And there he was, naked as the day he was born, just wailing! It had rained, and his cotton candy was melting all down his hand!
Ted: Yeah, that was fun, but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?
Alexis: Okay, fine, but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.

Ted: Mom, I really wish I'd have known about this trip a little bit sooner, I wouldn't have asked Alexis to help me out at the clinic today, and she could've kept you company. 
Alexis: I also wish you hadn't asked me to help out at the clinic today.

Jocelyn: Okay, I'm just gonna stop you there. Beth, I was wondering if you could maybe-
Moira: Dig deeper, yeah. Let's throw away the lines, soften the edges.
Jocelyn: Yes, I was going to say speak louder, but that also sounds important.

Moira: Okay, the thing you must understand about Cliff, Patrick, is that he has been with many women, but he's never derived true pleasure from it.
Patrick: I think I can wrap my head around that.

Roland: I'm sorry. I would've been here sooner but I got electrocuted three times and the last time I didn't bounce back quite as fast.
David: Well, the important part is that you're-you're here now.
Roland: Yeah and luckily Gwen's fine, too. I don't know why she was wearing that rubber dress when she cut that wire, but it saved her life.

Cheryl: Thank you, Johnny, for a lovely afternoon.
Johnny: Well, it's always a thrill to experience a collection of nude photographs with a a new friend.

Cheryl: I think I've already started to develop feelings for someone new. 
Alexis: So soon? 
Cheryl: You want to know the best part? 
Johnny: Not necessarily.
Cheryl: He's charming and handsome.
Johnny: Okay, I think we understand where this is going.
Cheryl: And ten years younger!
Alexis: Than?
Cheryl: I've fallen for my Zumba instructor. 
Bill? 
Cheryl: Bill.
Ted: Well, Bill's great! Does this mean that I get his gym discount? 
Cheryl: It does!

Moira: In a desert of mediocrity, you managed to divine a quiet revelation in Ronnie's Fraulein Schneider.
Jocelyn: Well, I think you deserve most of the credit. You know, watching you work with the actors today, I think it was pretty obvious that you should-
Moira: Reprise my role of Sally?
Jocelyn: Uh, maybe? But-
Moira: There's the age discrepancy. Bit of a challenge there. Although I did play Liesl von Trapp at 50.

Jocelyn: You should be the director. It's clearly in your blood.
Moira: Well, humility forbids me from thinking I could become a quadruple threat that easily.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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the current title holder for Moira line of the season (as always, O'Hara's accent makes it sing)

on the set of The Crows Have Eyes 2 (when told the director is adding CGI birds in post-production)

pro that she is, Moira replies, "How mahny birds am I clocking, and how mahny of them are myuu-TANT?"

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S5.E8

Jocelyn: It's the last day of our auditions, Moira. We might have to lower our standards if we're going to find our lead.
Moira: Lowering your standards is a slippery slope, Jocelyn. Next thing I know you'll be telling me we'll be staging this production at the school gymnasium.

Moira: Very dapper, Mr. Rose. Like the maestro of a Lebanese orchestra.

Johnny: So how's the casting hunt going?
Moira: Oh, disconsolate, John. We may be looking at putting an ad in broadwayworld. com. Perhaps there's a chorus girl on holiday looking for a leg up.

Alexis: First of all, I'd like to remind you that this is a live-work space, and second, fine, I'll do it.
Moira: Do what, dear?
Alexis: I'll step in as the star of your musical.
Moira: NO! No, with your responsibilities as our in-house publicist, I couldn't ask you to do that now.
Alexis: Okay, well, you seem pretty desperate, so I'm happy to help.
Johnny: Well, Moira, I'd consider it. I mean, we did spend all that money flying in Barbra Streisand's vocal coach that summer Alexis wanted to be the next Jessica Simpson.
Moira: Alexis, a brief stint on a reality show, that's one thing, but acting, that's-
Alexis: Um, the producers of "A Little Bit Alexis" insisted that I take acting classes after we started shooting, so.
Johnny: Almost makes me want to try out for it myself.
Moira: Okay, now we're all just getting the sillies. Best we stick to our award-nominated day jobs.
Jocelyn: Well, I'm sure that Alexis has a song that she could sing for the audition.
Alexis: Audition? Okay, do I have to remind you about the album that I released?
Jocelyn: Moira, what's the worst that can happen?
Moira: Besides the inevitable accusations of nepotism?
Johnny: Well, for what it's worth, Alexis, I always thought "Hampton's Hoes" was quite catchy.

Johnny: You're bringing a bag? You know, I almost brought a change of clothes myself. Moira told me to pack a second suit for the afterparty, but who am I, George Clooney?

Roland: Who are we? Brad Pitt and his handsome brother and Johnny?

David: I just don't get the big reveal. It's a bathroom.
Patrick: It's not just a bathroom, David. It's a passion project.
David: I'd kill to be that passionate about a bathroom that you've now decided to open up to the entire town.
Patrick: Yeah well, we can't afford to keep a private bathroom, David. We're losing customers to the cafe. Besides, you're the one who started serving booze at those evening events.
David: Um, those evening events are part of a summer series. We sold 30 dreamcatchers at that Cosmic Meditation Clinic.

Ronnie: You ran out of tiles. It doesn't help that you picked the most expensive ones.
David: Okay, you asked for my opinion. I don't know how much Romanian marble costs!

Patrick: Half of our store is covered in tarps and David's organized some writers' retreat for tomorrow night.
David: It's a calligraphy workshop.

Jocelyn: I don't want to get in the middle of some mother daughter competition thing.
Moira: Competition? Nothing of the sort. No, Alexis just doesn't have the life experience. 
Jocelyn: Really? Because according to her stories-
Moira: Well, she's had her fair share of adventures, yes. But the role of Sally Bowles requires an actress who can mine a deeper, darker cave - a woman encumbered with secrets she will take with her to the tomb. Hence the high praise Gina Gershon and I received for the role.

Johnny: It looks like Best Customer Service in a Motel Under 20 Units is up fifth. That's the big one.

Patrick: My uncle's a contractor. I know how this works. You've got to stay on top of it or they will find a million reasons to just drag it out.
David: Well, my ex-best friend was a crisis manager and she told me multiple times not to talk to anyone, especially while they're eating.

Alexis: Hi, my name is Alexis Rose, represented by Alexis Rose Talent.
Jocelyn: Okay, what are you gonna be singing for us today, Alexis?
Alexis: I have chosen to perform the title track off of my critically reviewed limited reality series "A Little Bit Alexis." Feel free to sing along if you know the words. Are you ready? Let's do it. I'm a Lamborghini. I'm a Hollywood star. I'm a little bit tipsy when I drive my car. I'm expensive sushi. I'm a huge huge yacht. I'm a little bit single even when I'm not. I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit la la la la la la la a little bit Alexis, la la la la la la la, a little bit Alexis!

Moira: So what do we think?
Jocelyn: Well, there is a place for her somewhere. 
Moira: On stage?
Jocelyn: No! Moira, I saw your talent, and I thought, well, the apple can't fall far from the tree.
Moira: Different orchard, Jocelyn. Though I do admire the confidence.
Jocelyn: What are we going to do now?
Moira: "We?" We are at the precise intersection of which I tried to steer us clear. No, Babs Streisand's vocal coach quit the business after just two lessons with our sweet Alexis. He now lives in a monastery.

Jocelyn: Maybe there's a better role for you.
Alexis: What's better than the lead?
Moira: Yes, I'm curious about that as well.
Jocelyn: Kit Kat Club Dancer Number Six! 
Alexis: Sorry?
Jocelyn: She doesn't have a lot of lines but she has a very sexy costume and a lot of face time on stage which I know that you love 
Alexis: I love both of those things!

Moira: Stevie, underneath the brambly tartan bloussant is a chrysalis, just bursting with potential.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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S5.E9

David: Is today the baseball day?
Patrick: Today was supposed to be the baseball day, yes. 
David: The finale? 
Patrick: Championship.
David: Same thing. What time did you need me to show up to watch you play the baseball?
Patrick: Well, as of right now, there you might not be anything for you to watch. Gwen dropped out. Apparently she has to go see a friend she met on the internet, so we are missing a right fielder.
David: Can you play both parts?
Patrick: Positions. And, no.

Patrick: Have I mentioned to you that there will be a barbecue after?
David: I have a couple questions.
Patrick: How many of the questions are about the barbecue?
David: Most of them. Like, how soon after the game is the barbecue, and will the players get to eat first, and if so, who's enforcing that rule? 
Patrick: I love you, David. 
David: Okay. you say that now, but I don't do well with running.

Ronnie: I can't stomach the thought of Patrick's team winning by default. The man looks like a thumb!

Johnny: I used to play a little ball in my day. I was the star left fielder from my school team.
Ronnie: You played college ball?
Johnny: No, Hebrew school. There were seven of us. Surprisingly, not a big turn out, but the Flying Latkes ended up in fourth place.

Twyla: This is so exciting! I've never been in a musical before. Although I did have a cousin who was in Riverdance until she got trampled.
Alexis: Yeah, um, I was one of the original Pussycat Dolls, But I only lasted like, two weeks because apparently, I'm too pretty.

Alexis: What about you, Stevie? I didn't even know that you wanted to be an actor. 
Stevie: I don't. 
Alexis: Fine, artist.
Stevie: I've been dreading this rehearsal for the past two days.
Alexis: Okay, as star of the show, you might want to set like a different tone for everyone.
Stevie: I think this is a huge mistake.
Alexis: You're not wrong. There has been a lot of confusion as to why I'm not the star of the show, but fair is fair. You earned it. 
Stevie: No, I didn't. I didn't audition. I don't like attention. I can't think of anything worse than standing on a stage in front of a room full of people.
Alexis: Okay, Stevie, I think you just need to chill. If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it'll be a couple of hours of kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky bellinis.
Stevie: It's just a lot of pressure.
Alexis: Don't even worry about it. I got your back today, girl, just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.

David: Okay, just so you're aware, I had a very cute, "my boyfriend's on the baseball team" spectator look prepared for today, and now I'm wearing tap shoes.
Patrick: They're called cleats, and I think you look very cute.
David: That's a given. This just isn't how I pictured being a placeholder rolling out.
Patrick: Here. [tosses a baseball glove at David] I thought we could head outside, maybe throw the ball around a little bit?
David: This glove is brown. My shoes are black. What exactly are we doing here?

David: Okay, next time, can you make sure the ball goes into my glove? Thanks so much.

David: The last thing I need right now are two people coaching me on something I didn't want to do in the first place.

Ronnie: We just stopped by to say we're having a little pre-game bevvy and pep talk at my place if you want to join us, Johnny.
Johnny: Well, I think I'll just stick around, and loosen up a bit, Ronnie.
Roland: Johnny, I don't think it's really ethical for you to be doing spring training with the enemy.
Johnny: He's not the enemy, Roland. He's my son.
Roland: There are no sons in baseball!
David: What?
Patrick: I'd argue most baseball players are somebody's son. 
Ronnie: So what does that make me?

Alexis: I think [Stevie]'s actually regretting signing up for this and feels like it was a big mistake.
Moira: Really? What gave you that impression?
Alexis: Because she told me that she regrets signing up for this and feels like it was a big mistake.
Moira: That kind of attitude's not going to get her very far as an actress.
Alexis: Well, she's clearly not an actress.

David: You told me I was just a body in a field, not a body that had to catch things flying very fast in the air!

Alexis: Vampire person!
Twyla: Ghost! Ghost girl! Hemophiliac! Woman with amnesia!

David: When you get hit in the back playing a game you never wanted to play in the first place, does that make you the VIP?
Patrick: The MVP, and uh, no, we're not doing that.
David: Okay, what if we were doing it, though?
Patrick: Well then, you would definitely be the VIP.

Patrick: Part of me wonders would you have hit a home run if I hadn't lit that fire in you? Because I have never seen you run like that.
David: Yeah, it was mainly because I was smelling the barbeque.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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S5.E10

Alexis: You can trust me.
David: Okay, can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something-
Alexis: Ugh! This is about those stupid Tamagotchis? 
David: Actually, it is.
Alexis: You left me with six of them, David. Taking care of that many is like a full-time job.
David: I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health! And by the time I came home, they were all dead. You have to like actively murder them in order for that to happen!

Stevie: Last night [Moira] texted me at 3am and all it said was "leggings."

Moira: Just please give me a moment to make a decision on this chaise lounge.
Johnny: Oh, put the phone down, Moira. Whatever it is can wait.
Moira: It's for Fraulein Schneider's salon. Do you prefer the olive suede to the merlot? Similar texture but poles apart in emotional complexity.

David: We just need everything facing forward. Facing forward. Facing forward. See what I'm doing here?
Stevie: Okay, like a serial killer?

Wendy: [Antonio] reminds me a lot of you.
David: Well, isn't that a compliment? For him.

David: [Wendy] has the worst taste in men. At one point, she told me she was looking for a Jon Gosselin type.

David: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

David: Ugh, it smells like pennies and burps!

Wendy: [My fiance Brad] and Antonio are roommates. They share this tiny one bedroom together. And it is so crowded in there, they had to put the mirror on the ceiling.

Alexis: If we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.
Ted: When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks-
David: Out!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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S5.E11

David: Okay, so, as we all know, I think surprise parties are tacky and far too often organized by well-intentioned people with very bad taste. But Patrick has always wanted one, poor thing, so I am throwing him a surprise party tonight.
Johnny: Well, David, these kinds of parties take time and planning. Now when I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.
Alexis: Yeah, David, this is all feeling very sketchy and last minute-y.
David: I've actually been organizing this for quite some time, I'm just telling you right now because I know that none of you can keep a secret.
Moira: At 9am, it's a little early for character assassination. Not one of you knows how the Crows movie ends.
Alexis: You told me the day you got home.
Johnny: You gave me the script.
Moira: And you were both sworn to secrecy so David is right not to trust you.

Alexis: How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon?
Moira: Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.

Roland: Wow. This is a really big deal, Johnny. I mean, meeting my best friend's son's boyfriend's parents for the very first time. I am very touched that you wanted me to share this moment with you.
Johnny: I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, so you being here is more your decision than mine.

Alexis: I looked at your calendar, so I know that you have the day off.
Moira: Working from home!

Moira: Alexis, there's a good reason I've avoided these conventions in the past. Showing up, taking your picture with a motley crew of pale, dewy-faced salamander people. I haven't hit rock bottom quite yet. It's a matter of self-worth.
Alexis: You did a commercial for adult diapers!
Moira: In Japan! In full-face kabuki makeup!
Alexis: Okay, as your acting publicist, I'm putting my foot down. We're doing this. You need the money and this is how you're going to get it.
Moira: Very well. But there will be a safe word in case the gaggle of asymmetrical faces gets to be too much.

David: Okay, so I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the cafe, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight.
Twyla: Oh. Is it possible you could maybe choose a lie that doesn't make the cafe look like it's in violation of health codes?

Hailey: A few things to expect. Now the fans will either want a signed picture, a picture and a handshake, or a picture either of you, or with you.
Alexis: Well, that's reasonable.
Hailey: Now, if they ask for pictures of your feet-

Moira: Alexis dear, now is bad a time as any to tell you. There is a dark side to mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life.
Alexis: You took me to the Playboy mansion when I was seven.
Moira: And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto. But, this! Alexis, you shouldn't have to see this. Thespians selling their autographs for money in cheerless convention centers.

Moira: That's Gloria Gregson.
Alexis: Who's Gloria Gregson?
Moira: Who's Gloria Gregson?! She only played Grace on "Touched with Grace" for 37 years. The woman has 17 Emmys for playing a hot-headed nurse who healed people with her sexual touch.

David: Okay, what you're dealing with is very personal. And something you should only do on your terms, okay? That's why I brought this couple home one day in college, and just told my parents to deal with it.

David: You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one. You know how you've always wanted a surprise party?
Patrick: David, I don't think this is how surprise parties work.

Gloria: As actresses we have to do whatever it takes to survive, which is why I'm on the convention circuit. I do dozens a year.
Moira: I still can't quite believe that.
Gloria: Well, can you believe that because of them, I have a vineyard in the south of France? You may have tried my wine Touched with Grapes. 
Alexis: Omigawd, that's your wine? We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap - and so good.
Moira: So the fiscal sweetener negates any discomfiture one might feel exploiting their extremities for a $20 bill?
Gloria: $20? I charge $50. And just in case, I wear open-toed sandals.

Alexis: Okay, here's how it's gonna go down. It's 30 seconds each, tickets in hand, or it's back of the line, and no, she will not be clarifying any Sunrise Bay plot points. 
Moira: Ahem! Feet! 
Alexis: Oh, yes. And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one, $150 for the pair.

Marci: If David makes you happy, then that's all we care about.
Patrick: Dad?
Clint: I like him. I like him a lot.
Patrick: Me too.
Clint: I don't understand his clothes, but-

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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S5.E12

David: It looks like the two of you have been engaged in general merriment for quite some time now.
Stevie: Did he just say "merriment"?
Patrick: I think he did.
David: Yes, I said merriment, because that's what happens when I spend too much time with my mother.

Patrick: Your mom is a great director. She's just not used to working with amateur dancers.
Stevie: Yeah, last week she told me to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind. I don't even know what that looks like.

Patrick: This "Money" number is so complicated that if we don't get the outside help, we will be laughed off stage. You've seen me dance.
David: Yes, you have legs like tree trunks. We knew that going into this.

David: One more session? I thought last night was the last session!
Patrick: Well, we couldn't nail the final lift.
David: What is this, Dirty Dancing?

David: When [Moira] was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant, I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice - he was the hosting at the time. Anyway, she found out and felt so betrayed, she "forgot" to double-knot my tap shoes and cost me the crown.

Ted: I've been thinking about maybe taking a longer break from work.
Alexis: I'm listening.
Ted: What if we got out of town, just the two of us? 
Alexis: Like Thelma and Louise? 
Ted: Nope. Uh no, I was thinking somewhere more exotic, like, I don't know, somewhere that would have beaches for you, and some interesting wildlife for me?
Alexis: Okay, I've just been to Miami so many times before, and trust me, the "wildlife" is not as sexy up close.
Ted: No, I'm talking about farther away. Like, I don't know, the Galapagos Islands.
Alexis: I love that. 
Ted: Really?
Alexis: Yes, as a jumping-off point, yes! But if we're thinking islands, why don't we do something less sleepy and scary, like the Maldives?

Johnny: I've got more than a few rippers up my sleeve for tonight.
Roland: Okay, um, first off, I have no idea what rippers are.
Johnny: Well, maybe you'd know, if you graduated elementary school.

Moira: David! What are you doing walking the streets all by yourself?
David: You make me sound like a feral cat. I'm walking home.
Moira: Don't tell me the store is already laying off people.
David: No, Patrick sent me home to get a check that apparently is tax for the government, and not, as I assumed, a bonus for me.

Moira: I could use your eye for the final design of the posters. You employ the wrong font, and you may as well bid auf wiedersehen to ticket sales.

Ted: Alexis, you don't need to do those dishes.
Alexis: I didn't. I just put them on the counter.

Alexis: Well, what about long distance? I once maintained a successful semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting "Pearl Harbor."

Twyla: I guess relationships are all about sacrifice.
Alexis: Omigawd, yes. Ted and I are so good at that whole give and take thing. Like, he gives me so much, and I have learned to take as well.
Twyla: And I'm sure you give things up for him all the time as well.
Alexis: Totally. But also, he never really asks me to, so that's hard for me to do for him.

Alexis: Thanks for the chat, Twy. You're like my little fairy godmother if she wore an apron and Celine Dion's perfume.

Ronnie: I still don't see why you dragged us into this.
Johnny: Well, you can be a tough audience, Ronnie. 
Ronnie: What's that supposed to mean? 
Johnny: See? That's what I'm looking for, honest reactions.
Bob: Well, I've been honestly reacting quite strongly to your aftershave. It's a bit too European for my taste.

Ronnie: Johnny, you gotta be short and quick, like Roland in the bedroom.
Bob: That one kills every year.
Johnny: I love that one, is that one up for grabs?
Ronnie: No. You've gotta go for the jugular, Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health, and you'll be fine.

David: It's late. I mean, it's 7:15. Are you sure you should be walking over there alone at this hour?
Moira: Okay, David, no more true crime tv before bed for you. I refuse to buy you another night light.

Moira: In the business of show, skullduggery, when it leads to such thrilling results, a pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay.

David: You choreographed this?
Moira: I loosened the pickle jar. Derek merely popped the lid.
David: Very impressed. Was not embarrassed at all. And I thought I would be.
Patrick: So sweet.

Alexis: You've done too much for me already. You do too much for me. And so I think it's time that I give something back to you.
Ted: My FitBit?
Alexis: No, I lost that. But the last thing I wanna do is stand between you and this job. You've worked so hard, and I'm proud of you and so, yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you.
Ted: Uh, you mean the Galapagos?
Alexis: Yeah, wherever the turtles are.

Ted: We're going to need to shots.
Alexis: Yes! Let's celebrate!
Ted: Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations cause we'll be spending a lot of time in tents and there could be disease-carrying  insects around.

Johnny: Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie. The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3 for 1 sale on cargo pants.

Johnny: You know what, Moira? Jealousy doesn't look good on you. Much like that mirrored jumpsuit you wore to Candy Spelling's 50th! 
Moira: John!
Alexis: Omigawd, dad!
Johnny: Why don't you take it easy, Alexis, like you did with your education?
Alexis: Ugh! 
David: I mean, he's not wrong. 
Johnny: Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.
Alexis: Burn, David!
David: Okay, here's why that joke didn't work.
Moira: And look at you, John. A worthy competitor emerges.  Something the good people at Blockbuster never said about Rose Video.
Alexis: That was low, like David's standards.
David: Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
Johnny: Alexis has a back tattoo?
Moira: Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!
David: It says "that's hot" in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong. 
Alexis: Ugh! I was 12-years-old!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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S5.E13

Moira: I happened upon the most charming petite patisserie this morning, and I thought my children deserve breakfast in bed!
Alexis: Okay, have we done something? I'm so confused.
David: What do you want?
Moira: Just to be near you. Chalk it up to the heightened emotionality of opening night just around the corner and my bebe girl leaving me so soon.
Alexis: Okay. Thank you so much. 
David: I'm not convinced. 
Moira: My pleasure. Oh! And the programs arrived today.
Alexis: Can't wait to see them.
Moira: 500 shiny new programs.
David: Aren't these just the cinnamon buns from the lobby?
Moira: And wouldn't you know it, they have presented themselves unfolded.
Alexis: Oh no, so you have to fold them all?
Moira: Theoretically. But then you remember my crippling carpal tunnel from all those years of signing checks. So why don't I grab you a big stack and you two can turn it into a fun game.
David: I'm out for the afternoon. Patrick is taking me on a picnic.
Moira: Then Alexis, perhaps you can bring a few hundred to the cafe and you and Twyla can gossip and fold and fold and gossip?
Alexis: Nope, this is my one day off and Ted and I are doing trip stuff.
Moira: They need to be folded! And I brought you pastries and coffees!
David: Okay, well, this coffee has nothing in it.
Moira: Oh, it's just a gesture, David! Stop being so literal.

Alexis: Turkish Cosmo once included my photo on their list of the world's best sarongs, so let's just say I know my way around a beach.
Ted: All right, uh, goggles, snorkels.
Alexis: I don't actually go in the open water, but I can't wait to see you do that.

Ted: We'll also be bringing insect repellent.
Alexis: Okay. Maybe we can just get one of those sexy little mosquito nets for around our bed?
Ted: Those are actually an insane safety hazard. If they catch fire, you're basically trapped in a burning cage.

Alexis: Okay, part of me is wondering if we even need the vaccines?
Ted: No, it's just a quick needle, Alexis. Think of it like getting Botox.
Alexis: Eww, Ted! What am I, 32?

David: I just sort of feel like picnicking by the side of the road is basically an invitation to be murdered.
Patrick: We're going on a hike, David. What? You always say you want to do more physical activity, right?
David: Yes, so that you can tell me I don't need to. I thought we were going on a picnic.
Patrick: We are. We just have to hike to get there.
David: Yeah, I was picturing us, like, on a charming park bench in the middle of a private English garden.
Patrick: David, you have to stop watching Notting Hill. It's not helpful for our relationship.
David: Speak for yourself.

Moira: Oh, look at you, John, my handsome proletarian - all rumpled and sweaty.
Johnny: Well, I'd be less sweaty if Roland hadn't just stood there and watched me load all the furniture onto his truck.

Johnny: You know, Moira, when you said you needed a few pieces of furniture from the motel to round out the set for Cabaret, I didn't think you'd be robbing us blind.
Stevie: According to Mrs. Rose, our motel is the only place sad enough to pass for a pre-war Berlin brothel.

Moira: John, how was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!

Johnny: It's just a little muscle pull, that's all, Moira.
Roland: Yeah, you know, my cousin, Lenny, had the same exact thing, Johnny.
Stevie: Well, what did your cousin do? Can we call him?
Roland: You can try. I don't think you'll have much luck. The poor guy died of a heart attack.

Twyla: So this card means luck. I think.
Alexis: What's going on here? Twy, I didn't know you played solitaire.
Twyla: I don't. These are tarot cards. I'm raising money for a new dishwasher so I'm offering $5 card readings.
Ronnie: Yeah, and she's good too. Last time she told me I was in for a bit of luck and I won ten bucks on a lotto ticket. 
Ted: Whoa!
Ronnie: I spent $20, but still.
Alexis: So where did you learn how to tell fortunes, Twy?
Twyla: Oh, one of my mom's ex-boyfriends was a magician and a gambling addict. But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom, like, to the day.

David: Okay, there's no service here.
Patrick: David, put your phone down. We don't need service. We have each other.
David: Well, if you can track my eBay bid, then by all means.

David: Did we really need two backpacks? I mean, what are you keeping in these things?
Patrick: Well, you had a pretty long list and we needed ice packs to keep the cheese that you requested cold.
David: Well, did I get the ice pack one? Because this is not light. I just wonder why we couldn't have found a meadow somewhere, you know, with some men on horseback, like, trotting in the background.
Patrick: Okay, David, do you want to turn around?
David: Well, the app that's counting my steps isn't working, so I honestly don't know.

David: I love that you've done this for us and I think you look very dashing in your hiking clothes. It's just a long way to go for some cheese.

Moira: John, if you make it through-
Stevie: When!
Moira: When what? 
Stevie: When he pulls through!
Moira: Yes! Everything will change, John. We are going to eat healthier. No - well not - less, less wine at dinner. I'll have to keep the pills, but I'm not one who's the health risk here.

Doctor: Hi, I'm Doctor Lipman. We're going to take you back for some tests.
Moira: Is "tests" code for "open heart surgery"? You can tell me. I once played a nurse on M*A*S*H.

Patrick: Okay, David, I need you to pull [the stick] out. 
David: Okay, I told you I don't think that's a good idea.
Patrick: What, you think leaving it in is a better idea?

Ted: Hey. Whatcha doing there?
Alexis: Just being on the internet.
Ted: Alexis, that's just an image search for intense boating disasters.
Alexis: I just wanted to know what I would look like after a catamaran accident.

Alexis: I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been traveling the world since I was a teen model. But something about this just feels different.
Ted: Is this about the juice stand? Because I told you, we can just make our own. There's fruit literally everywhere.
Alexis: Okay, this might sound insane, but I've had this like nagging feeling that as soon as I get there, I'm going to start thinking about my family.
Ted: That doesn't sound insane.
Alexis: Okay, maybe I'm not expressing myself clearly. Like, I will physically be there, but I will be thinking about them here.
Ted: Right, so what you're describing is missing someone, and it is a totally normal feeling.
Alexis: Well, this is a new feeling for me, Ted! What if something happens to David? I'm basically his only friend. Or my dad. David and my mom sometimes gang up on him, and I'm basically his only friend.

Moira: In the Balkan Peninsula they say, "silence is but an empty serving platter."

Twyla: I flipped the Ten of Cups.
Alexis: And?
Twyla: And I saw your family with this big golden ring of light around them, like you all had something to celebrate. It's going to be a good year, Alexis. You're on the right path.
Alexis: Thanks, Twy.
Twyla: You're welcome. And that golden ring means prosperity. Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle because my mom's ex gave me the cards.
Alexis: Eww.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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S5.E14

Stevie: I don't think I've ever heard you use the word "courage" before - outside of criticizing someone's style choices. What's going on? You're only this happy when you have gossip or there's something in the news about Oprah.
David: There's something in the news about Oprah. She got new espadrilles.

Roland: Dark hair, answers to the name Stevie, kind of looks like a vampire. A little skittish when approached. I don't want to tell you how to do your job but if you have a taser, you may want to use it.

Roland: Stevie's gone missing and I don't want to be an optimist but it doesn't look good.

Roland: You may have been the last person to see [Stevie], Dave. I don't know how you're going to feel about this but I'm going to need some hair samples.
Moira: What happened, David? Did you say anything that might have triggered her? You have that affect on people.

Alexis: You're engaged?
David: This is not how the announcement was supposed to go!
Alexis: Okay, but I'm going to be away. Who's going to plan the wedding?
Roland: I could ask Jocelyn. She planned her brother in law's funeral for under a hundred bucks.
Alexis: This is the last thing I needed to hear today!
David: When did this become about you?

Stevie: I assume you two will be moving in together and I won't be there to give you towels when you need them.
David: Thank you. I appreciate the monogramming and the choice of thread color. I thought you were upset [that we got engaged].
Stevie: I was more upset that I had to drive to Elmdale today.

Moira: The only other time I've leased one of my girls was the Halloween when David was desperate to be Alanis Morissette.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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