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David T. Cole

Quotes: I Have Misplaced My Pants

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From Cape Feare

Witness Protection Agent: Now when I say "hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.

Homer: No problem.

Witness Protection Agent: Hello Mr. Thompson.

Homer, to a second Witness Protection Agent: I think he's talking to you.

Parole Board Member: No one who speaks German can be an evil man.

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Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

 

Moe : [to noose] Sorry, not today, old friend. But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.

 

Moe Szyslak: My name is Moe Szyslak. When I was a kid I had round worm - Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years - I dabbled in Satanism until I was asked to leave, oh, and one month I ate nothing but aquarium fish.

 

Lisa Simpson: Moe, you are a heartless jerk!
Moe Szyslak: Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, right. My actions.

 

Reporter: Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered something.

 

Moe Szyslak: [after being decapitated, his head is kicked around by kids] Boy, soccer is even boring for the ball.

 

Moe hooked to a lie detecter

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
[buzz]
Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
Moe: A date.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Moe: Sears catalog.
[ding]
Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.
[buzz]

 

Bart Simpson: This place hasn't changed a bit.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I've been meaning to change things, but this place keeps being a crime scene.

 

Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?
Moe Szyslak: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe Szyslak: A car hole!

 

Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

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From 'A Milhouse Divided'

The whole Pictionary scene is gold.

Kirk Van Houten: I sleep in a racing car, do you?

Homer: See Marge, you don't need to spend a lot of money to have a first class reception. (reveals a cake shaped like a whale that reads " To a whale of a wife".)

After 'Can I Borrow a Feeling' Kirk Van Houten: How about it Luanne, will you marry me? Again?

Luanne: Ewww! No!

From 'The Springfield Files'

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around the city keeping its SPEED over 50 and if it's SPEED dropped it would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down'.

Grandpa chasing after a tortoise that has his teeth.

Scully: This is the worst assignment we've ever had.

Mulder: Worst than the flesh eating virus?

Grandpa: Ow, he bit me with my own teeth!

Scully: No this is much more irritating.

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Homer: Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.  Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer (dreamily): And how...

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Moe: I'm more of a well wisher in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

 

Bart: So I says to Mabel I says...

 

Homer: But how did you find me?

Marge: Well I was sure you'd be on foot because you always say that public transportation is for losers. And I was sure you'd be headed west because Springfield slopes down that way. And then I saw the lighthouse and remembered how much you love blinking lights. Like the one on the waffle iron.

Homer: Or that little guy on the do not walk sign.

 

Homer: When I'm kicking you that means hurry up.

 

Homer: In your face space coyote!

Marge (under her breath): Space Coyote?

 

Homer: Don't laugh at me! I was once like you!

 

Bart: Dad you look classy. You could be Abe Lincoln's Father's boss.

Homer: Can you see the pie stain?

Lisa: It'll be dark.

 

Maude: She's murdered her brother!

Lenny: And she's trying to dump the body in the harbor!

Otto: Well duh.

 

Homer: Gee, I would love to want to help you Flanders, but Marge was....taken prisoner...in the Holy Land and uh... 

 

Homer: Oh I'm sure I would be a third wheel.

Ned: Oh no siree, we'd be happy as hens to have you.

Homer: I would make it my business to be a third wheel. 

 

Ned: And if you really tick me off I'm gonna run ya down with my car.

Homer: Ned, you so crazy.

 

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.

Homer's Brain: Why is Mr. Burn's being so nice to me?

Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Homer's Brain: Wait a minute, is he coming onto me?

Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket what's the harm?

Homer's Brain: Oh my god he is coming onto me.

Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows *Winks*

Homer's Brain: Ahhh!!!

 

Flanders: I need to know, is God punishing me?

Revrend Lovejoy: Oh short answer yes with an 'If' long answer no with a 'but'.  

Edited by Iboatedhere
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Since I'm watching "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"...

 

Col. Hapablap: Hell, not the Wright brother's plane! The Smithsonian's gonna have my ass on a platter.

 

Lisa: Mom, I found Sideshow Bob's hideout and I got a secret message to the police and I had a blimp fall on me and I was in an atomic blast but, I'm okay now.

Homer: Well, I wrecked the gate but you don't hear me bragging.

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It sometimes freaks me out that I haven't watched this show on a regular basis in like... maybe 15 years and I still can come up with a relevant quote for an actual situation on a daily basis.

 

"Ah beer, my one weakness.  My Achilles' heel, if you will."

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Homer: We're always buying vaccines for Maggie for diseases she doesn't even have.

Homer: Even when you yell at me I can see love in your eyes.

Marge: Stick to the subject.

Homer: Ha ha you love me.

Homer: Maybe I should just cut my losses and start fresh with Maggie.

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♫♫New Orleeeans...

Home of pirates, drunks, and whores!

New Orleeeans...

Tacky, overpriced, souvenir stores!

If you want to go to Hell, you should make that trip

to the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississipp'!

New Orleeeans...

Stinking, rotten, vomiting, vile!

New Orleaaans...

Putrid, brackish, maggoty, foul!

New Orleeeans...

Crummy, lousy, rancid, and rank!

New Orleeeans!♫♫

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If I remember my commentaries, they really did.  They were Brazil before Brazil was.  But honesty, they should be proud.  That is one of the greatest Simpsons episodes ever.

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Homer: Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?

Marge: It's an ending. That's enough.

 

Mr. Burns jumps into the escape pod.

Smithers: For the love of God sir, there are two seats!

Mr. Burns: I like to put my feet up.

 

Marge: Homer please. These boys sound very nice but they're clearly nerds. 

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Drederick Tatum: "I like Homer Simpson, I got nothin' against him, but I'm definitely going to make orphans of his children."

Reporter: "Uh, they do have a mother, champ."

Tatum: "I suspect she'll die of grief."

and:

Moe: "I'm not going to lie to you Homer, you definitely have a shot to beat Tatum, but you have to visualize it happening."

Homer's Brain: "And a congenital heart defect has felled the champ moments before he was to enter the ring."

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Drederick Tatum: "I like Homer Simpson, I got nothin' against him, but I'm definitely going to make orphans of his children."

Reporter: "Uh, they do have a mother, champ."

Tatum: "I suspect she'll die of grief."

"Thank you, thank you. But the champ has no time for further queries. This parole hearing is over."

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Homer: A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why god portions it out in those tiny packets. And why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

 

Lisa: Mom, no. Everyone at school picks on the Popli kids. Even I do. I just hate them so much.

 

Flanders: You have our deepest condol-diddly-olences. I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I didn't mean any disrespect.

Marge: What are you talking about?

Flanders: You know. Homer's passing. Away. Into death.

 

Marge: I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting. 'You Are A Coward.' No one wants to hear that after a nice meal.

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Lisa is my favorite character (awesome little feminist AND she cracks me up), so I have to throw in a couple of my favorite lines of hers (which mostly are funny to me because of the line reading):

 

Space Commander: Now, little girl, there's only room for one parent, so you have a hard ---

Lisa: Mom.

 

Lisa: *sighs* Yes, I'm going to marry a carrot.

 

Lisa: I know this obsession with thinness is unhealthy and anti-feminist...wait, that's what a fat girl would say!

 

Lisa: She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein and the wit of Cathy Guisewite, the tenacity of Nina Totenberg, and the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton! And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt.

 

Lisa: Who wants a nice bowl of gazpacho?!

 

Marge: What's wrong Lisa?  Is a book character having difficulties?

 

I'm sure there's a million more, but those are the ones I can think of right now.

 

Oooh - and the Ralph one I use consistently: "Oh boy sleep!  That's where I'm a viking!"

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Speaking of Lisa and feminism...

 

Lisa: Mom, your choice to go back to blue is so empowering.
Marge: But you said going from blue to gray was empowering.
Lisa: Well, as a feminist, virtually anything a woman does is empowering.

 

And some other quotes from the same episode:

 

Dr. Kissing-Her: If you're watching this alone, your love life is like Sister Act 3-- no Whoopi!

Moe: I knew my love life was like that movie somehow.

 

Homer: Oh, Marge, don't worry. A lot of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the '80s.
Marge: Homie, you always mean to say the nicest things.
Homer: Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time.

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Moe: Homer stole our rock performance. That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.

 

Skinner: I'd do anything for my beloved Army.

Army Recruiter: How about re-enlisting?

Skinner: How about you bite me?

 

Reverend Lovejoy: This is very sad news and it never would've happened if the wedding had been inside the church with God instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature.

 

Skinner: I'm not the principle of the line, mother.

Agnes: And you never will be.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Good lord. The rod up that mans butt must have a rod up its butt.

 

Chalmers: Ugh, why will no one honor the 'ding'.

Skinner: I honor the 'ding' sir.

Chalmers: What the hell are you talking about?

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Bart: Now is the winter of our discontent.

Ralph: Oh no run!

 

Homer: The bee bit my bottom now my bottom's big!

 

Homer: Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.

 

Homer: During the exam I'll hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.

 

Homer: I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know. There is. And it's me!

 

Marge: It's so late! You kids have to go to bed.

Bart: But the floods only knee high. At least let us stay up until the midgets drown.

 

Apu: I apologize again. As a token of forgiveness please take this baby.

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I always loved this one:

 

Homer: Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back ... unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

 

Bart: You're right, dad! [leaves]

 

Homer: Rats! Almost had him eating dog food!

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Homer: I always figured my wife was my soul mate, but if it's not Marge, who is it? Where do I begin looking?

Furniture salesman: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman.

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Since I'm watching "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"...

 

Col. Hapablap: Hell, not the Wright brother's plane! The Smithsonian's gonna have my ass on a platter.

And after the tank runs it over, the guy opens the hatch: "Sorry! We don't normally drive these things in the air force."

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Troy McCLure:  That's right, boys! Troy's back from the gutter and he's brought someone with him!

 

Bart: I never heard Maggie laugh like that before.

Lisa: Well when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention?

Bart: When she swallowed that quarter he spent all day with her.

 

Groundskeeper Willie: Oh leave me be! I don't want to live if I have to clean up this mess!

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Oh man, I love the X-Files episode of The Simpsons. Especially this part:

[Homer is sweating and running on a treadmill.]

Mulder: Scully, what's the point of this test?

Scully: No point, I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.

Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/246745/slide_246745_1427541_free.gif

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Homer: It's the rapture! Quick! Get Bart out of the house before God comes!

 

Homer: Let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we'll all agree to disband and join other families.

 

Homer: Oak Ridge, this is Springfield Nuclear. We need to order a T437 Safety Console.

Oak Ridge: Springfield, my computer shows your T437 is fully operational. (Homer casually pours soda on the console) I suggest- oh my god. Oh my god, no! This can't be happening. You're operating without a T437 Springfield! Oh sweet mother of mercy! I mean, my god!

 

Marge: I can't believe how many manatees we saved today.

Caleb Thorn: And the ones we couldn't save we put to good use. (Takes a bite of a manatee roasting over a fire.)

Marge: (disapproving groan)

Caleb: What am I supposed to do? Bury them at Arlington?

 

Farmer: Oh no my corn. Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

 

Marge: I wonder if the dog thought about us while we were gone.

 

Moe: Let's take her out hunting tomorrow. Make her into a man.

Homer: She'd never go. She's a vegetarian.

Moe: Oh jeeze. Homer, jeeze. You and Marge ain't cousins are you?

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Marge: "I don't think you should wear a tie with a short-sleeved shirt."

Homer: "Aww, Sipowicz does!"

Marge: "And if Detective Sipowicz jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?"

Edited by honeywest
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I wish I was Sipowicz.

If you like to watch your TV, and I mean really watch it, you want the Carnivale. It features two-pronged wall plug, pre-molded hand grip well, durable outer casing to prevent fall-apart ....

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I love the whole Mystery Date exchange in Summer of 4ft2. 

 

Marge: Okay Bart, your turn, your turn!........ You got the dud! Hahahahah.
Homer: Hey! He looks just like you poindexter. Ahahahaha.

 

and then later:

 

Homer: You’ve got friends—you’ve got the dud right here. Stand up for yourself, Poindexter!

 

I am not sure why but I find it hilarious how much Homer hates Milhouse. In the Rodney Dangerfield ep we also get this line after Burns asks Homer if his son brings home his nitwit friend.

 

HomerOh, all the time!  Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener...

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Homer: I had to fight. Lenny said his dad is Hulk Hogan and I know he's not.

 

Mr. Burns: Somebody up there likes me.

Smithers: Somebody down here likes you too, sir.

Mr. Burns: Shut up.

 

Lisa: And any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna.

Marge: That's very good, Lisa.

Homer: P.S, I am gay.

 

Lisa: Dad! The flash must have scrambled their circuits!

Homer: What are you, the narrator?

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