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Small Talk: Out of Genoa


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23 minutes ago, Cupid Stunt said:

Mmmm ... rugelach ... and babka!

Oh, babka--I live in an area of the city once very East Euro, Polish, Ukie, and so on...now, it's just trendy, and the food isn't nearly as good...with the exception, possibly, of the carp barrels out the front of delis in December...  Anyway, babka, when it's fresh--so good! I actually prefer it to panettone.

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Any sweet yeast bread makes me so happy ... Swedish Tea Rings, Challah, Kolach, Stollen, Rosca de Reyes (Three Kings Bread) ...

Rats! I'm starving for carbs. I have a lunch meeting with the accounting department and they're on gluten-free diets. Aack!

 

 

 

FollowYour. Money.

Edited by Cupid Stunt
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It's Gonna Get Ugly ... At an Ugly Christmas Sweater Pot Luck!

gallery-1438891215-ugly-tie-christmas-tr

Please join our hostess Pattywack EtsyFail, in a celebration of all that's kitsch and wince-worthy this holiday season.

Wine, beer and soft drinks provided. BYOB and batteries, and a dish to share.

There's a contest with terrible prizes, so wear an Ugly Christmas Sweater and clash with mediocrity!

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This is to both of you. It's definitely more wrenching in the earlier stages. There are still flashes of their personalities and they do have some abilities to recognize (some) family members. As this progresses, though, they're just not there in any way that's familiar. I can only speak for myself, but at some point the emotion that probably best describes the sadness is more a quality of becoming inured to the situation. If either of you are personally trying to care for them on your own in your own residences, I bow to your devotion. My mother was in a facility and seeing what was physically and emotionally required by the caregivers was eye opening. I could not have done this on my own and I doubt I could have done so even with an in-home aid. I will be very candid, it would have been the end my marriage and I believe that I would have lost my own health and sanity in the process.

 

Thank you, Toomuchsoap. My dad is still able to do many things but he spends most of his time at his club or his favorite restaurant and I'm afraid the club employees and waitstaff have become de facto caregivers. I have health problems of my own and am limited as to how much I can do for him. I am however meeting with a Elder Care specialist tomorrow. It is my hope to get him into care before he becomes too ill. He us the sweetest, loveliest man you'd ever want to meet but he hasn't been taking care of himself the way my mom and I (she died last Feb.) would like him to eg. hygiene. He has given me DPOA and I am the Trustee of his estate so in theory I can force him to get help but I don't ever want to come across as hostile. I love him very much but this feels like I amtrying to swim against the current. Thanks for listening.

Edited by peacheslatour
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27 minutes ago, ByTor said:

@Toomuchsoap, @marina to, @peacheslatour, and anybody else going through this, I'm really sorry to hear it.  I hate that a show we all watch is bringing this up for you, when it's supposed to be for light entertainment :(

You're right. That's part of why I haven't really been watching lately. As some brilliant Prevert pointed out a while ago, who is this s/l for? People our age going through this with their parents? People our parents age who might be terrified of this happening to them? Young people who won't have to deal with this for decades and probably don't give two shits about it? I think, as well written as it is, it's not the right forum for the subject.  JMO.

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20 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

My dad is still able to do many things but he spends most of his time at his club or his favorite restaurant and I'm afraid the club employees and waitstaff have become de facto caregivers. I have health problems of my own and am limited as to how much I can do for him. I am however meeting with a Elder Care specialist tomorrow. It is my hope to get him into care before he becomes too ill. He us the sweetest, loveliest man you'd ever want to meet but he hasn't been taking care of himself the way my mom and I (she died last Feb.) would like him to eg. hygiene. He has given me DPOA and I am the Trustee of his estate so in theory I can force him to get help but I don't ever want to come across as hostile. I love him very much but this feels like I amtrying to swim against the current. Thanks for listening.

That's tough. One of my dearest friends is in the position you're in with his mother (minus having his own health problems). He told me his mother finally gave him permission to start looking for a home because she's starting to realize she can't do the things she used to do. I'm lucky in that I live with both my parents and my dad does a lot, plus I have siblings who are helping out. Can't imagine how hard it must be when you're the only one.

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Just now, marina to said:

That's tough. One of my dearest friends is in the position you're in with his mother (minus having his own health problems). He told me his mother finally gave him permission to start looking for a home because she's starting to realize she can't do the things she used to do. I'm lucky in that I live with both my parents and my dad does a lot, plus I have siblings who are helping out. Can't imagine how hard it must be when you're the only one.

I wish I could get my dad to think about assisted living but he won't even discuss it. He needs help around the house, with laundry and other domestic chores which I can't do. The only good news is that my DH has been through all this before with his own now deceased dad and has been a huge help. He takes my dad to doctor's appointments, picks up his prescriptions and gives him stern talkings to if he doesn't take his meds. He has been my rock.

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17 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

I wish I could get my dad to think about assisted living but he won't even discuss it. He needs help around the house, with laundry and other domestic chores which I can't do. The only good news is that my DH has been through all this before with his own now deceased dad and has been a huge help. He takes my dad to doctor's appointments, picks up his prescriptions and gives him stern talkings to if he doesn't take his meds. He has been my rock.

The only reason we're getting away with it is that she doesn't realize what's going on. When they first broached this program to us at the hospital, the coordinator and I were sitting beside her bed. She completely freaked out, said we all didn't care about her, we just wanted to put her away, and all other kinds of stuff. The coordinator came to talk to my mom and explain that we were just trying to do what we could because we can't support her anymore. She has since forgotten that conversation. She was evaluated 10 days ago and the conclusion was that she can't make her own decisions anymore. But she was more confused then than she is now. I'm dreading when she figures it out. It's not going to be pretty.

My dad didn't like the idea at first of having strangers come into the house. Part of how we first sold him on thinking about it was pointing out that we could have a PSW come in to do housework. Is there a way you can get him help like that at least? Once my dad saw how it made things easier, he was much more open to considering other things.

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Quote

My dad didn't like the idea at first of having strangers come into the house. Part of how we first sold him on thinking about it was pointing out that we could have a PSW come in to do housework. Is there a way you can get him help like that at least? Once my dad saw how it made things easier, he was much more open to considering other things.

I think he's just oblivious to the fact that the house hasn't been cleaned since my mom died. We've spoken to him about the unholy mess that is the downstairs bathroom and he claims not to see it. He has also taken to lying about stuff. Like when they were at the doctor my husband said "Jeez man cut your toenails" and he said he did but next time they were at the docs/ nope not done. The doctor gave my DH a card of a woman who does that sort of work but I haven't broached it with him yet. There's just so many things. Is lying one of the symptoms?

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6 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

I think he's just oblivious to the fact that the house hasn't been cleaned since my mom died. We've spoken to him about the unholy mess that is the downstairs bathroom and he claims not to see it. He has also taken to lying about stuff. Like when they were at the doctor my husband said "Jeez man cut your toenails" and he said he did but next time they were at the docs/ nope not done. The doctor gave my DH a card of a woman who does that sort of work but I haven't broached it with him yet. There's just so many things. Is lying one of the symptoms?

Downplaying, yes. I had to start going to all my mom's doctors' appointments because she would claim that everything is just fine. Cutting the toenails in particular was a challenge. My sister started taking my mom to the foot doctor to make sure it got done. Honestly? Get him out of the house for a few hours and have someone come in and clean. We cleaned out a lot of mom's crap while she was in the hospital. Subterfuge is a practical strategy at this point.

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1 minute ago, marina to said:

Downplaying, yes. I had to start going to all my mom's doctors' appointments because she would claim that everything is just fine. Cutting the toenails in particular was a challenge. My sister started taking my mom to the foot doctor to make sure it got done. Honestly? Get him out of the house for a few hours and have someone come in and clean. We cleaned out a lot of mom's crap while she was in the hospital. Subterfuge is a practical strategy at this point.

I think you are right. His memory is so bad he doesn't remember conversation we had just hours ago. He fell in the parking lot at his restaurant and he told me the abrasions on his arms were from diabetes. He has never has diabetes. The restaurant called me a week later and said they hadn't called me at the time because he told the I was out of state. A total lie. Now I have them watering down his wine and they cut him off after  2 glasses.

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15 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

I think you are right. His memory is so bad he doesn't remember conversation we had just hours ago. He fell in the parking lot at his restaurant and he told me the abrasions on his arms were from diabetes. He has never has diabetes. The restaurant called me a week later and said they hadn't called me at the time because he told the I was out of state. A total lie. Now I have them watering down his wine and they cut him off after  2 glasses.

maybe could you get them to give him non-alcoholic wine instead?  would he be able to tell the difference?

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25 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

I think you are right. His memory is so bad he doesn't remember conversation we had just hours ago. He fell in the parking lot at his restaurant and he told me the abrasions on his arms were from diabetes. He has never has diabetes. The restaurant called me a week later and said they hadn't called me at the time because he told the I was out of state. A total lie. Now I have them watering down his wine and they cut him off after  2 glasses.

It's good you have them on your side helping you out. As much as it's hard to say what's going on, the more people know the better.

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2 minutes ago, marina to said:

It's good you have them on your side helping you out. As much as it's hard to say what's going on, the more people know the better.

He's been going there for years and years with my mom. After she died they were so nice to him he started going there very day. I meet him there for lunch every Friday and when he leaves the table to use the restroom they talk to me. I gave them all my numbers and I have the manager's and one if the head waitress's. She's the one who called me about the fall. I told him I have eyes everywhere (because I do) and every one of them will rat him out if he steps out of line. I hope it's enough for now to keep him out of trouble.

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it's all so sad

after my sisters stroke she had severe memory problems.  after her husband died, my niece had her put in a home.  she had fallen and taken to the hospital and while there, she evicted her.

anyway, the place my sister was in had her unit on the bottom floor, you had to take an elevator down, and the elevator was coded.  i had to sign her in and out when i visited and took her out for the day.  it was for their own good i know, but it made her feel like she was in prison.

i have not spoken to my niece since.

Edited by valleycliffe
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19 minutes ago, valleycliffe said:

it's all so sad

after my sisters stroke she had severe memory problems.  after her husband died, my niece had her put in a home.  she had fallen and taken to the hospital and while there, she evicted her.

anyway, the place my sister was in had her unit on the bottom floor, you had to take an elevator down, and the elevator was coded.  i had to sign her in and out when i visited and took her out for the day.  it was for their own good i know, but it made her feel like she was in prison.

i have not spoken to my niece since.

It's actually easier to place someone into a facility out of the hospital. Because my mom was in the hospital, we've been able to put her on a crisis list. My brother said he has a friend who didn't have access to the program we have and has been waiting a couple of years to get their parent into a facility. Maybe this was the best chance your niece had to get your sister the help she needed. Being in the position now that your niece was in (my mom's memory issues started with what has been diagnosed as a small stroke), I can't help but feel for her.

Edited by marina to
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Lord of the Powers, have mercy on us. Guide Toomuchsoap, marina to, peacheslatour and their families. We have no other help but You. Father of mercies, strengthen them in this time of fear and anxiety with illness of the parents they are ministering. Help them endure their grief and uncertainty with courage and wisdom. Grant that this trial may bring them closer to You, and trust in Your love and compassion. Blessed is Your name, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, now and forever. Amen. 

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We met with the Alzheiemers Society for counsel.  My sis decided, and we sibs finally agreed, that she would take my mom to live with her and her family.  Sis wanted to "ease" her into the concept, and have her come for longer visits, discuss it with her, move some stuff, etc.  We were all trying to be so respectful of mom.  The counsellor told us to lie, tell mom we were going for a visit to my sis' house.  Then just never take her back home.  At first she kept asking when she was going home, repeatedly, and that got a bit maddening.  She even accused of us lying to her!  It didn't take long before we realized when she said going back home, she meant to Europe, where she hadn't lived for 55 years.  She forgot her home where she lived for 50 years, and forgot the town as well. She forgot her son who lived across the road from her during that time.  The move also took a weight off her shoulders.  She was living in her house and trying so hard to cope and keep up the pretense that nothing was wrong.  She never missed her things. When my sis brought her some personal things like photos of my dad, my deceased brother, photos of us, she got upset because she didn't know who those people were.  Another thing. Some caregivers insisted that they would not lie to her, but the reality is you are giving them peace when you lie.  Trying to explain things to them, they get agitated and disoriented, and even sad.  In our case, it was really quite cruel to tell her the truth.  For example, when I told her I was her daughter she got upset because she didn't recognize me.  She always thought I was a friend of hers so I just started to go with that.

This is just our case, but what happened was, once we decided to move her from her own home, she essentially forgot the last 50 years of her life, within just a few weeks.  It was hard for us kids and grandkids to take, but she ultimately was happier then.  We quickly learned that it was not about us, or about us keeping her memories alive.  It was about giving her peace of mind and as much quality of life as we could. She had wonderful caregivers while she was at my sister's house, both paid and volunteer, and she enjoyed them and they enjoyed her.  It was not easy, believe me, but in the end we know we did the right thing.

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@bannana Thanks for sharing your experience. It's karma, I guess, that my mom, who wouldn't let us throw anything out even if it was broken, is now going to be in a position where she will only be able to have a few things and if she progresses like your mom did those won't mean anything to her either soon. I've definitely seen the distress and agitation the last month. I wonder how she's going to react when she moves into a facility and nothing is familiar to her. At least now, she recognizes where she is most of the time.

Edited by marina to
too many commas - it's an addiction
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12 hours ago, bannana said:

We met with the Alzheiemers Society for counsel.  My sis decided, and we sibs finally agreed, that she would take my mom to live with her and her family.  Sis wanted to "ease" her into the concept, and have her come for longer visits, discuss it with her, move some stuff, etc.  We were all trying to be so respectful of mom.  The counsellor told us to lie, tell mom we were going for a visit to my sis' house.  Then just never take her back home.  At first she kept asking when she was going home, repeatedly, and that got a bit maddening.  She even accused of us lying to her!  It didn't take long before we realized when she said going back home, she meant to Europe, where she hadn't lived for 55 years.  She forgot her home where she lived for 50 years, and forgot the town as well. She forgot her son who lived across the road from her during that time.  The move also took a weight off her shoulders.  She was living in her house and trying so hard to cope and keep up the pretense that nothing was wrong.  She never missed her things. When my sis brought her some personal things like photos of my dad, my deceased brother, photos of us, she got upset because she didn't know who those people were.  Another thing. Some caregivers insisted that they would not lie to her, but the reality is you are giving them peace when you lie.  Trying to explain things to them, they get agitated and disoriented, and even sad.  In our case, it was really quite cruel to tell her the truth.  For example, when I told her I was her daughter she got upset because she didn't recognize me.  She always thought I was a friend of hers so I just started to go with that.

This is just our case, but what happened was, once we decided to move her from her own home, she essentially forgot the last 50 years of her life, within just a few weeks.  It was hard for us kids and grandkids to take, but she ultimately was happier then.  We quickly learned that it was not about us, or about us keeping her memories alive.  It was about giving her peace of mind and as much quality of life as we could. She had wonderful caregivers while she was at my sister's house, both paid and volunteer, and she enjoyed them and they enjoyed her.  It was not easy, believe me, but in the end we know we did the right thing.

(((Bannana)))

It was a selfless act of love to conserve your mother's memories when she could no longer sustain them. You and your family protected and cared for your mother as she did for you.

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marina to, subterfuge is extremely important. I got my mother off the road by taking her car one day. I was visiting her with my daughter one day, said she was interested in my Mom’s make of vehicle so could she borrow it for a couple of days to try it out. Never took it back. She was upset at first but quickly forgot. I used every single opportunity  I could.  It’s important to keep your loved one safe. Do whatever it takes without guilt. 

CS, your prayers are always wonderful and meaningful. We’re blessed to have you. 

Take care California! 

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6 hours ago, valleycliffe said:

are you in any danger cs?

please stay safe...

We're good, Valley. Thank you for asking. The Ventura County Fire is a nightmare; it's got the city scared spitless. I was at the antenna today, and looking down on to the fire areas in the city -- It's horrifying. I still have my car packed with emergency supplies. There is a fire north where we live in Burbank, but it's on the other side of a burned out area from the September La Tuna fire. The best anyone can do is keep track of the situation with the CalFire app, carry your phone charger and try to remain calm.

5 hours ago, PatsyandEddie said:

marina to, subterfuge is extremely important. I got my mother off the road by taking her car one day. I was visiting her with my daughter one day, said she was interested in my Mom’s make of vehicle so could she borrow it for a couple of days to try it out. Never took it back. She was upset at first but quickly forgot. I used every single opportunity  I could.  It’s important to keep your loved one safe. Do whatever it takes without guilt. 

CS, your prayers are always wonderful and meaningful. We’re blessed to have you. 

Take care California! 

I come from heart attack/stroke family health histories; we cack over and we're outa' here. My grandmother's best friend, a lady I grew up with, is in the final stages of Parkinson's Disease. Stella was a gifted tailor and dressmaker, putting her three children through college with her earnings. Her husband, Will, adored her until the day he died. It's been heartbreaking watching her fade into the ether of Parkinson's.

I've not been tested by the effort, concern, subterfuge, frustrations, and grief you all are facing in caring for your parents. You are heroic, Your courage in the face of your parent's cognition being taken away by disease is humbling.

None of this is possible without all of us trying to work life out together. Our friendship, our willingness to lift each other up when one of us is wounded, our strength in laughing at the darkness as we reach for the light ... these are the gifts we give freely to each other.

You are my people, and I ask God to be with you always, in good times and bad.

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I think I didn't get the job. My store director said he had feedback (if I had an offer pending he wouldn't wanna meet for feedback). I think the time I was out of work counted against me and I'm a woman and few women are promoted here

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2 hours ago, Petunia13 said:

I think I didn't get the job. My store director said he had feedback (if I had an offer pending he wouldn't wanna meet for feedback). I think the time I was out of work counted against me and I'm a woman and few women are promoted here

 

1 hour ago, peacheslatour said:

That sucks Petunia. Maybe you still can get it and your director is just a poor communicator.

GD it!  Enough with how badly they treat you, Petunia13!  I'm just so sorry.

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It kinda sucks because I did a lot of special projects (testing new equipment and procedures also I set up the entire store i work at before it opened) and have been praised by so many at my store and in corporate so it's like "ugh just give a chance!" If I had gotten the job it would have meant a raise and different responsibilities. 

I got an e-mail today about applying for another job from the director of that division in corporate -he's basically an efficiency expert and compliance  guy- and needs weekend support for store audits and training classes. I'm not sure it would even mean a raise as much as "cache" big deal I'm tired of the pat compliments and want results that affect my life. 

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2 hours ago, Petunia13 said:

I think I didn't get the job. My store director said he had feedback (if I had an offer pending he wouldn't wanna meet for feedback). I think the time I was out of work counted against me and I'm a woman and few women are promoted here

I'm sorry, Petunia.

Okay, so you didn't get the position. Stay frosty; continue to make everyday at your job an opportunity to serve your customers graciously, working toward facility improvements and cost-savings. Document, read industry periodicals, attend industry shows/conventions and classes, get to know your vendors better, research grocery marketing of your competitors, ask questions of your customers (My grandmother loves her local grocery store program assisting seniors in-store), engage your co-workers to join your work ethic, make a point of a clean and organized facility and parking lot (This is a pet peeve of mine, along with incorrect pricing), is there a niche your store or company doesn't serve  -- I know you're working hard and already doing many of these things, but if you want to surmount what you think is holding you back, you have to up the ante.

Test your ideas independently. Write a business proposal, and then blow your own horn ... Don't count on anyone else to credit what you have done. Women have to do twice as much to get half the credit. The only way you change the corporate bias is to show and tell management exactly what you know, what you've learned from your experience, how you want to integrate that knowledge, and how it improves the bottom line for the future of the company. There's a lot of competition in the grocery business, so that means there are a lot of opportunities to retain customers through service, products, and quality.

I believe in your capabilities and qualifications. Put them to the test for your own sake. It will benefit you, and your store in the long run.

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@Petunia13 I'd start talking to your suppliers to see if they have an opening. Sounds like you've cultivated a good relationship with them. They know your worth. Mention that you think you've stalled where you are and are looking for an opportunity to more fully use your skills.

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Rachel Does Stuff for Chanukah 

 

 

Jersey boy Pat DiNizio, rhythm guitar, singer and songwriter of The Smithereens, died on Tuesday at age 62.

Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

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