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Petunia13

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Wow, that reminds me of that old high school botany class mnemonic - Freddy Fungus met  a cutie in the woods - he said Al-gae! and Alice Algae replied, You look like a Fun Gi - and just like that they took a Lichen to each other.

Insert groan here.  But once you hear it you never forget that algae and fungi make up a lichen, do you.

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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.  The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.  Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.  After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,  "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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When Beethoven died, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later a person passing by heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, he ran and got the town soil scientist.

When the soil scientist arrived, she bent her ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

She listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." She kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the soil scientist; she stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

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Some people think that Beethoven was an excitable fellow, but in reality he was always very composed.

 

Q: Why did the piano player continuously play compositions by Chopin one after the other?

A: Because one nocturne deserves another.

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Q: What's the difference between a gifted love seat and a minor injury from an unusual accident?

A: One's a free couch, and the other's a freak "ouch."

Edited by Sandman87
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right. . . a little to the left. . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and trickling down the small of her back . . . she was getting near the end. He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . forwards then backwards . . . forward then backward, again . . . and again . . . her heart was pounding now . . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . finally . . . totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

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A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says,

"Wow!  In all my years of tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

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Not sure if this link will work but last night I somehow found this guy's Facebook page & some of the funny stuff had me laughing out loud.  Since there haven't been any jokes on here since April, I figured I'd share this nutty guy's page.  Oh...there are a few naughty ones but most of them are funny (just skip the naughty ones).

https://www.facebook.com/TheRealJoeOLeary/

Edited by annzeepark914

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1 minute ago, annzeepark914 said:

Not sure if this link will work but last night I somehow found this guy's Facebook page & some of the funny stuff had me laughing out loud.  Since there haven't been any jokes on here since April, I figured I'd share this nutty guy's page. 

https://www.facebook.com/TheRealJoeOLeary/

It looks like it would have worked except that I am not on Facebook and therefore not worthy...lol. Glad you found something that gave you some laughs today. 

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Three women hitchhikers are standing on the side of the highway holding signs showing their destinations. 

How can you tell that one of them is a prostitute?

Because she has a sign that reads: Idaho.

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On 6/15/2019 at 10:13 PM, annzeepark914 said:

Not sure if this link will work but last night I somehow found this guy's Facebook page & some of the funny stuff had me laughing out loud.  Since there haven't been any jokes on here since April, I figured I'd share this nutty guy's page.  Oh...there are a few naughty ones but most of them are funny (just skip the naughty ones).

https://www.facebook.com/TheRealJoeOLeary/

Man, this fool had me lol at work!

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I don't know if this is an oldy, but it was new to me.

A physicist, and engineer and a statistician go hunting. They find a deer. The physicist calculates the angle, velocity, (I don't know--whatever else they calculate). Shoots and misses -- five feet to the left. The engineer takes the shotgun and tells the physicist he didn't take in wind speed, so he aims takes his shot and misses, 5 feet to the right.

The statistician says, "Yes! Got him!"

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From TWD Small Talk :

20 hours ago, AngelaHunter said:

Okay, since the topic is penguins, I will leave this here:

 

A penguin is driving along on a hot summer day when he notices his 'Check Oil' light is on. He gets out of the car and sure enough, the car is leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first, but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees to wait and waddles away. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot. He sits down at the counter and starts on his ice cream. Of course the poor bugger has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his beak - a total mess.

He waddles back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "Well, it looks like you've blown a seal"

"No no", says the penguin. "It's just ice cream".

------------------

I'll see myself out.

 

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More :

2 hours ago, Nashville said:

A bear and a rabbit are side-by-side, taking a shit in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, “Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”

The rabbit says, “No, I never have that problem.”

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

 

1 hour ago, nachomama said:
  Hide contents

A rich man and a poor man are talking about their recent anniversaries. the rich man says he bought his wife a diamond bracelet and a bmw, that way if she doesn’t like the bracelet she can drive herself back to the store to return it. the poor man says he bought his wife a pair of shoes and a dildo, that way if she doesn’t like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.  

 

 

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I saw this on a list of Dad jokes recently and snicker every time I think of it. If anyone remembers where this is from, please let me know. I'd love to give credit where due.

I've ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.

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7 hours ago, peacheslatour said:

What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you?

I’ll bite. What is it? Obviously not a garbage truck 😹

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15 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’ll bite. What is it? Obviously not a garbage truck 😹

Pool table!

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A guy goes to a club; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says, "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

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My uncle died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

 

 

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30 minutes ago, annzeepark914 said:

My uncle died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

 

 

When I read this I briefly forgot which category I was in, and yikes!

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1 hour ago, SoMuchTV said:

When I read this I briefly forgot which category I was in, and yikes!

I previously posted this joke on my facebook page and "friends" thought I really had a death in the family!  I believe it originally was "my dad" and I changed that (thank goodness!).

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