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Q: What kind of pizza do criminals like most?

A: Perparoni.

You can blame the cheap pizza that I got from the dollar store for that one.

 

On 3/4/2018 at 2:47 PM, RealityCheck said:
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

  • Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

And sometimes kids in the back seat have accidents.

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On 3/4/2018 at 5:47 PM, RealityCheck said:

Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

Reminds me of this awesome Chrysler commercial:

 

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Reminds me of my days commuting to Hoboken and what the train looked like on St. Patrick's day. 6:25 AM, they were all so cute and sleepy in their green hats and necklaces. And then 4:50 PM pretty much just like that picture. 

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That reminds me of a story Mom has about work. She swears that it really happened.. She and her coworkers were asking each other trivia questions one day, and she turned to a blonde coworker and asked her "What's the capital of Wyoming?"

The coworker thought about it for a moment, then replied "W!"

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Wow, that reminds me of that old high school botany class mnemonic - Freddy Fungus met  a cutie in the woods - he said Al-gae! and Alice Algae replied, You look like a Fun Gi - and just like that they took a Lichen to each other.

Insert groan here.  But once you hear it you never forget that algae and fungi make up a lichen, do you.

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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.  The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.  Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.  After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,  "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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When Beethoven died, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later a person passing by heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, he ran and got the town soil scientist.

When the soil scientist arrived, she bent her ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

She listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." She kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the soil scientist; she stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

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Some people think that Beethoven was an excitable fellow, but in reality he was always very composed.

 

Q: Why did the piano player continuously play compositions by Chopin one after the other?

A: Because one nocturne deserves another.

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Q: What's the difference between a gifted love seat and a minor injury from an unusual accident?

A: One's a free couch, and the other's a freak "ouch."

Edited by Sandman87
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right. . . a little to the left. . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and trickling down the small of her back . . . she was getting near the end. He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . forwards then backwards . . . forward then backward, again . . . and again . . . her heart was pounding now . . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . finally . . . totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

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A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says,

"Wow!  In all my years of tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

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Not sure if this link will work but last night I somehow found this guy's Facebook page & some of the funny stuff had me laughing out loud.  Since there haven't been any jokes on here since April, I figured I'd share this nutty guy's page.  Oh...there are a few naughty ones but most of them are funny (just skip the naughty ones).

https://www.facebook.com/TheRealJoeOLeary/

Edited by annzeepark914

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1 minute ago, annzeepark914 said:

Not sure if this link will work but last night I somehow found this guy's Facebook page & some of the funny stuff had me laughing out loud.  Since there haven't been any jokes on here since April, I figured I'd share this nutty guy's page. 

https://www.facebook.com/TheRealJoeOLeary/

It looks like it would have worked except that I am not on Facebook and therefore not worthy...lol. Glad you found something that gave you some laughs today. 

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Three women hitchhikers are standing on the side of the highway holding signs showing their destinations. 

How can you tell that one of them is a prostitute?

Because she has a sign that reads: Idaho.

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