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Petunia13

Jokes!

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Why do teenage girls always walk in groups of 3, 5 or 7?   

 

 

Because they Literally, Can't. EVEN! 

 

(makes sense only is you've heard the way the species talks lately) 

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I only know inappropriate jokes. I know some good ones though.

My daughter usee to tell one all the time when she was young...

Why do baby ducks walk softly?

Because they can't walk at all, hardly.

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Three strings walk into a bar.  The first orders a beer and the barman rolls his eyes and says  "We don't serve strings here".

The second orders a martini and the barman, getting irritated, snaps "We don't serve strings here!"

 

The third string walks back outside, reaches up, twists and ties and pulls and yanks around at the top of his string.  He walks back into the bar and orders a mai tai.

"I said!" shouted the barman "we don't serve strings here!"

 

"I'm not a string; I'm afraid not".

 

Frayed knot!

Edited by raven
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In my case, I find that my eye catches the punchline before the set up in a written joke, especially if the punchline is short (like mine was). Part of what makes a joke funny is that period of time between setup and pay off - if you get it wrong, the joke falls flat.

So to guard against that, I took advantage of the spoiler button.

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Lines for punch should be inside bars; other lines are for outside OTHER bars?

That was terrible.

When does a dog go "MOO"??

When he's learning a new language.

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This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny!

 

Sarcasm for the Day:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body. 

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

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After my mom came home from the post-stroke rehab hospital, I started telling her a joke every night before bed, to help with the stress. I like this one:

 

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She replied, "To be 10 again." On the morning of her birthday, he woke her up bright and early and took her to an amusement park. They rode all the rides and ate hot dogs and cotton candy. At the end of the day, they went home and the woman fell into bed, exhausted. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being 10 again?"

 

She opened one eye and groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant a size 10!"

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From my weekly Prairie Home Companion e-mail:

 

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

Anybody can roast beef...

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Here's one I made up. Not quite sure if it's original though:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:

Because chickens are inherently treacherous.

 

An old math joke:
Q: What do you get when you cross an alligator and an elephant?
A:

(an alligator) * (an elephant) * sin(θ)

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For the Social Sciences majors out there:

How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two--one to screw in the bulb and one to compare and contrast.

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Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A:

A fish!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bartender: We don't serve your kind.

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

>

 

 

A timetraveler walks into a bar...

Edited by fastiller
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I think the second joke is told in reverse, sort of, to get across the point of time travel.

 

A couple is visting friends in their new home. As they walk through the house, the homeowner keeps opening windows and yelling "green side up!" Finally, the woman asks her friend what he is doing. His reply: "The guy who is installing the sod is an Aggie*."

 

*Being a Baylor fan, many of my favorite jokes use an Aggie as the "dumb guy" -- feel free to substitute whomever you wish.  :)

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If you're Canadian, substitute Newfie for Aggie. If you're an American from the 70s, substitute Polish for Aggie. If you're an American in the 90s, substitute blonde for Aggie, etc.

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Duck walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender says "WTF how do you plan to pay for it?"

Duck says "put it on my bill"

Edited by Petunia13
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Raccoon walks into a bar and orders a pint.

Bartender says "that'll be $10."

Raccoon pays the man and starts chugging.

Bartender says "You know- we don't get many raccoons in here."

Raccoon says "No shit. You charge ten bucks a beer."

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Sorry, backformore -- Aggies refers to Texas A&M University, and Baylor is another univerity in Texas. The two schools have a long-standing rivalry. And many Texans just like to poke fun at the Aggies.

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Okay let me break the flow of this thread and be that person, the one who has to have it explained; I think I get the first one, but I am lost on the second one. 

 

 

I think the second joke is told in reverse, sort of, to get across the point of time travel.

 

Yes, stewedsquash, as forumfish noted, the second joke is meant to be told in two parts, in reverse, but I couldn't post twice w/o the smart Previously.TV forum programme combining the two posts.

 

Now: for more jokes:

 

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man comes by and flashes them.  One of the old ladies had a stroke; the other was too slow.

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Why did the cows keep returning to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

 

 

And how would one describe the cows afterward?

 

Beef-fuddled.

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This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny!

 

Sarcasm for the Day:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body. 

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

 

 

HEE! Numbers 6 and 9 are my favs!

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Mother: Young man! Go to your room this minute!!

Son: Jim Morrison was overrated and Ray Manzarek played keys for crap!

Mother: What have I told you about slamming The Doors?!

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A husband and wife are Xmas shopping and the man disappears. The wife looks for him then calls his cell phone to see where he is....

Wife: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Do you remember when we first got married and you loved that diamond necklace? We couldn't afford it and I told you I'd get it for you some day. Do you remember that store?

Wife, getting excited: Yes! Oh my god I do remember that.

Husband: I'm in the bar next to that store.

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This really isn't a "joke," but it's pretty damn funny!

 

Sarcasm for the Day:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?  That’s common sense leaving your body. 

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Actually, this sounds a lot like that morose comedian, Steven Wright.  Haven't seen him in a long time (but then, I no longer watch the late night shows so I don't know if he even appears on them any more).  I just re-read them and number 9 is also calling my name.  What the heck would I do?

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Speaking of Steven Wright.  Here are a couple of my favorites from him:

 

'It's a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in.  Somebody's making a penny.'

 

'The sign on the diner window said Breakfast Anytime.  So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.'

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I love Steven Wright! "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

 

And Mitch Hedberg -- so sad that he's gone. "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

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I love Steven Wright too, I'll have to go watch some videos of his on YouTube. I haven't heard much from him lately, I wonder if he's still performing. He was always one ofy favorites.

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I saw him at a concert a couple of years ago but didn't recognize him in the dark with collar up and baseball cap bill down until somebody pointed him out to me.  Just as well as I would have gotten all fangirly on him.

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One day Dave let his cat outside, not realizing that the road in front of his house was being worked on. The cat ran down to the road and immediately got run over by a steam roller. Dave sprinted out and picked up the cat. Thinking quickly, he remembered that his neighbor had told him that she'd be jarring some dill pickles that day. He took the cat over to her house and offered to give her a dollar if she'd pickle his cat too.

He had always wanted a buck-dilled flatty-puss.

 

Thank you...I'll be here all week.

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Bear walks into a bar and orders a gin. Bartender pours his drink. The bear says "oh and tonic."

The bartender asks "why the big pause?"

The best looks down sadly and says "I don't know..."

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wh8CZDY.jpg

 

I hope this is the right place for this. I laughed so hard.

 

 

I guess the other one went away, so I found it again.  

military-humor-do-you-want-safety-briefi

 

WLRUcOF.jpg

Edited by 33kaitykaity

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What, no jokes in almost 2 months?  Ok, here's something a bit lame, but still.  This is from a contest in the Washington Post where this week they were asked to slightly change the name of a food or brand of food and describe the results.  My favorite won 4th place--I thought it should've been the grand prize winner & the honorable mention should've been 2nd place.  But that's my humor...obviously not the judge's:

4th place   S'moron:    A chocolate graham cracker sandwiched between two toasted marshmallows.

3rd Place  Crap'n'Crunch: The Breakfast of Multitaskers.

2nd Place  Lawnuts: Extract from shell at own risk.  Must be 18 to use oven.  We are not responsible for burns or allergies. By baking with this product, you waive your right to a jury trial.

Winner     Phlegm in meringue pie: What you get when you're nasty to your waitress.

Honorable Mention   Chili con 'kay so: Bland Mexican food.

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