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The average number of times it takes a victim to leave her abuser is 7 times before she does it for good.    Abuse is not an all the time thing that you would think anyone in their rights minds would not put up with.   First of all, the abuser is really nice -- when he is not abusing her.   And he is always sorry afterwards.   Look how sorry Ray was afterwards.   "I shouldn't act like that.   It is up to me to lead my family."   Yep, typical abuser talk.   I;m sorry but I am still in control.   Because it is about control, not violence.   Before the first slap lands he has made her feel like she can't get away.   That no one will love her again.   No one will help her.   No one will believe her (notice she went along with the "I provoked him" story even though that is clearly not true).   And if the abuser is particularly bad will have told her if she leaves he will hunt her down and kill her.   In Ray Rice's case, thanks to his millions, he has the resources to do just that if she takes off.    For all we know, he told her she won't get custody of the kid, he will.   Yeah, you would think the video would take care of that, but you would not believe how beaten down mentally some of these women are.   And again, Rice has the resources to tie her up in court forever.   Do we know if she can even afford an attorney to start custody proceedings?

 

Or it may be as simple as she told herself, "Well he lost 2 games, he knows what will happen if he does it again.   He won't do it again."   Until he does.  

 

DV is not nearly as simple as "why doesn't she take the kid and go?"

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I'm so pissed at TMZ. Why release it now? Why does this have to get drudged up again? It's time to talk about what is going on ON THE FIELD.

This is not directed to anyone here BTW. But that's all they're talking about on the sports shows and the timing could not be more annoying.

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It's easy to judge, and I'm guilt of it myself sometimes. But we don't know what their relationship is like, outside of that one night. Ray Rice seems like a nice guy, most of the time, and never appeared to be one of the macho, douche bro types. If he's always been great to her before, and then he appears so genuinely regretful for this one incident, then are the years of happiness they've had to just be thrown away?

 

That's one argument. It's tough, because I agree you should never stay with someone who does that to you, but then I've never been in that situation, so I don't know how someone even processes that. I think it's unfair to say she was motivated by being an NFL wife, when we don't know what on earth is going through her head.

I rolled on so many domestics during my career I can't count that high. It never ceased to amaze me the number of times i've heard the victim say, "he's a good man, he just drinks a little. He didn't mean it". Or when the case went to court not only would the victim recant their statement/story, but swear up and down we made it all up and want to file a complaint against US, injury photos and ER records notwithstanding. Did they recant because they were under threat of further beatings if they didn't? Was it really an isolated incident and the suspects remorse was genuine? Do they sincerely believe that they can "save" or "change" the abuser? I don't know. I would ask these (mostly) women, "do you love this man enough to let him put you in the ICU? Do you love him enough to risk becoming the next Nicole Simpson? If you do, there's nothing I can do for you".

 

The dynamics of these relationships are complicated and leaving the abuser isn't (unfortunately) as easy as it sounds. I won't comment on the state or dynamic of the marriage of Mr and Mrs Rice, because I don't know them. I'll only say I've seen it before and it does not bode well for either of them. I hope I'm wrong.

Edited by Snowprince
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Snowprince, I remember you from the Southland forum at the old place. Always appreciate your insight and experience!

Mojoween, from what I understand the casino where it happened shut down last week. So I'm guessing a former employee who didn't have to worry about losing their job called TMZ. It probably took a few days to negotiate & TMZ held it for Monday to get maximum traffic/buzz.

Thursday Night Football (Steelers v Ravens) is going to be a mess.

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Understanding the actions of one who is a victim of domestic abuse requires understanding the mindset of one who is a victim of domestic abuse, because they're living it in a different way than we're observing it.  And that's a complicated - and individual - headspace to get in, but there are common patterns, and merylinkid did a great job laying them out.  Also the "you know how I get when you ..." reasoning that follows the apologies, telling the victim she provokes the behavior - and could thus prevent it.  So when she "fails" to prevent it - because there's always some new thing to add to the list of provocations - she's got yet another reason to feel pressure to not come forward/withdraw her claim/plead for leniency.

 

And the myriad reasons few DV assaults result in conviction is one of the reasons the NFL's new policy is unlikely to ever lead to a player being banned under that policy.  And Gooddell knows it.  He thought he could release that memo and save face for the league, conveniently putting the PR fiasco of Rice's anemic punishment behind him just in time to start the season.  For Janay Rice's sake, I'm disgusted that the video was released, but I'm not sorry Goodell and the Ravens will again have to account for their actions.

Edited by Bastet
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Call me a cynic but I doubt a league that has a history of not putting the health and well-being of a player first is ever going to put the well-being of a spouse or partner first no matter how many statements they release.

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I'm so pissed at TMZ. Why release it now? Why does this have to get drudged up again? It's time to talk about what is going on ON THE FIELD.

 

Great idea. Let's forget about the abused woman and talk about the real important stuff. 

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http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2191104-ravens-should-deactivate-ray-rice-for-remainder-of-season

 

The pertinent bit for me, as a Ravens fan:

"I can tell you this: I had a brief text conversation with a Ravens player I've known for some time who told me that the locker room stood by Rice before. Now?

"I don't think he has very much support now at all," the player texted. "I think it's gone."

 

 

Quite right. He lied to his teammates, it seems (which I'm sure some would try to paint as the greater of his crimes), and gained their support by painting his fiance as the irrational one, and by saying how sorry he was. Now they know the truth, that locker room is going to be a tough place for him to be. I already knew that there would be some guys in there who weren't happy with any of this, and now it's that much worse.

 

I heard Joe Flacco give a radio interview a couple of weeks ago, where the interviewer asked him if he'd spoken to his own wife about the Ray Rice thing, and Joe's answer was so uncomfortable. I mean, uncomfortable even for Joe Flacco! You could tell that he really did not want to say anything about it, because he didn't trust himself to.

 

The Ravens have been put in a terrible situation, here. Cut him and go back on their declarations that they were going to stand by him and help him better himself? Never mind the cap hit. Keep him and risk a fractured locker room, never mind the public perception it would generate? Suspend him for longer themselves? That seems like at least some attempt to deal with it.

 

And, he's gone: 

 

Baltimore Ravens
‏@Ravens
The #Ravens have terminated RB Ray Rice's contract this afternoon.

 

Edited by Danny Franks
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Not only the NFL the courts went easy on Ray Rice too. The Ravens have to cut him today and stop selling anything with his name or number on it.

 

They have cut him. So the saving grace for them is that they acted decisively (arguably only after being exposed by the video), while the NFL itself continued to act in such a wishy washy fashion.

 

I don't think the Ravens will have seen the video, but I've read that Rice described the incident to them. The NFL should have seen it, if they were conducting a disciplinary panel on the incident.

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Great idea. Let's forget about the abused woman and talk about the real important stuff.

I can't help her. It's a private matter that came out because there was a video in the elevator. I'm not trying to be a dick here, but why would I continue to hash it out? It's a new season, there are 31 other teams (well, 30 actually I think) who don't have this issue.

If I want to take to a stand on domestic violence I'll do that IRL.

I can't do anything for Janay personally.

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I'm so pissed at TMZ. Why release it now? Why does this have to get drudged up again? It's time to talk about what is going on ON THE FIELD.

This is not directed to anyone here BTW. But that's all they're talking about on the sports shows and the timing could not be more annoying.

 

So far the video has humiliated Ray Rice, Roger Goodell, the Baltimore Ravens, Peter King, and many other NFL reporters who carry the NFL's water.

 

So, you'd rather not have it released?

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They cut him because he lied about his fiancee provoking him.   They had no problem with him hitting her hard enough to knock her out.   But oooooh he lied, he must go.   

 

The NFL "indefinite" ban really means he can apply for reinstatement next year.   And because of how well he plays, he will get back in.   Just like Vick did.   Who everyone stood behind him until it came out that he lied about his involvement in the dogfighting.

 

So apparently in the NFL the worst crime is lying.

 

I did like Tomlin shutting down any questions about the tape at his press conference.   Not his business to comment.  And to think, Rice could have been back with the team on Friday because they played week 1 on Sunday and week 2 on Thursday.

 

And what effect will cutting Rice have on Greg Hardy of the Panthers who have been convicted of assaulting his pregnant girlfriend and McDonald of the 49ers who has been arrested on felony DV?   New policy or cut?

Edited by merylinkid
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I didn't say it shouldn't have been released. But I'm also saying that the genie is out of the bottle. I'm glad they cut him and he was suspended, legally nothing can be done because she didn't press charges.

But...we cannot change what happened. NFL Network changing their programming tonight to devote two hours to this isn't going to fix anything, is it?

There are four teams who are going to play tonight and no one cares. Well, I don't know what the NFL was thinking putting the Chargers/Cardinals as the last game on the first weekend, that's a matchup I can't see anyone clamoring for.

The despicable Ravens have a statue of one of the most grotesque players in the history of the NFL. What the NFL did in this case shouldn't surprise anyone.

I'm getting ready to watch the Giants and hoping for a good game. If that makes me a bad person, ok, sorry.

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So far the video has humiliated Ray Rice, Roger Goodell, the Baltimore Ravens, Peter King, and many other NFL reporters who carry the NFL's water.

 

And Janay Rice.  The one person who shouldn't be embarassed by her actions in all this now has to live with the knowledge the whole world can watch her being attacked.

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They cut him because he lied about his fiancee provoking him.   They had no problem with him hitting her hard enough to knock her out.   But oooooh he lied, he must go.   

 

 

The lie he told was that she attacked him first. That's what we call provocation and extenuating circumstances. So while the act is still terrible, there was at least an element of defensibility to it. So no, they didn't cut him just because he lied, they cut him because they learned the truth.

 

The despicable Ravens have a statue of one of the most grotesque players in the history of the NFL. What the NFL did in this case shouldn't surprise anyone.

 

 

What did Johnny Unitas do to offend you? Oh wait, you mean the other guy? The guy who was found guilty of obstruction of justice, and whose friends were found not guilty of murder because it was deemed self defence? Yeah, truly a terrible, awful ogre of a man. Much worse than Aaron Hernandez, Rae Caruth, Michael Vick, Adam Jones, Jim Brown, Lawrence Phillips, Darryl Henley, Robert Rozier and... oh yeah... O.J. Simpson.

 

Of course, I could argue that people who take the attitude, 'I don't know her, I don't care' aren't great people either.

Edited by Danny Franks
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But...we cannot change what happened. NFL Network changing their programming tonight to devote two hours to this isn't going to fix anything, is it?

But it might change the way things are handled in the future. In addition to the new NFL policy, maybe domestic violence can become its own topic in the Rookie Symposium. On second thought... By the time NFL players are 20 or 21 years old, you can teach them how to balance a checkbook, but it might be too late to teach them how to control their anger off the field and refrain from punching their fiancées in the face. Sad.

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It might change things.   The NFL is talking about domestic violence in a meaningful way.   Well, okay the sports journalists are talking about domestic violence in a meaningful way.   Maybe, just maybe, it will cause one guy to not hit.   Maybe, just maybe, one woman will see it is wrong and get help.   Maybe just maybe, the NFL will realize that playing is a privilege and that just because you have freakish talent doesn't mean you don't have to conform to societal norms.   The PLAYERS turns on Ray Rice after the video came out.   They were defending him before that.   I have not heard a peep out of the NFLPA about Rice getting cut or the NFL suspending him indefinitely for what is essentailly what he was already suspended for.    Maybe, just maybe, it is turning point.   

 

Would I rather be talking about yesterday's game, even if it meant seeing Romo picked off 3 times replayed over and over?   Sure.   But it's a game.   This is real life and takes precedence over games.

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But...we cannot change what happened.

No, you can't change what happened, but we can be a force for change in the future. It was arguably because of the outcry from fans on social media that the NFL suspended Ray Rice at all, that they instituted a domestic violence policy. And now that the video has been released, the threat of even more criticism has forced their hand. Otherwise, eh. They'd just go about their business as if nothing had happened. As it is everyone had pretty much forgotten about the incident. Rice even received a standing ovation from Baltimore fans yesterday.

 

So no, maybe you can't help Janay personally. But sitting back and saying "it's none of my business" because you'd rather hear networks talk about the Giants game never accomplished anything either.

Edited by Minneapple
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Instead of continuing to say "that's not what I said," I'm out. Catch ya on the flip side.

I'm out, too.  I mistakenly thought this was the NFL thread where people talked about, you know, football.

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Of course, I could argue that people who take the attitude, 'I don't know her, I don't care' aren't great people either.

To play Devil's Advocate, why should people care about her? Her fiance knocks the shit out of her in an elevator and she not only helps cover it up, she goes back to him and marries him. If she's stupid enough to sign up for more abuse, it's on her. The public doesn't owe her any sympathy. 

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The Giants decide it's an effective strategy to spot the Lions a quarter and 14 points? Who knows, if Detroit keeps piling up more yards in penalties than the Giant's offense.....it just might work

 

We can talk football too.

 

I see the Giants finally realized the game had started, about a quarter in. Nobody told them about this guy named Megatron before the second quarter?

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To play Devil's Advocate, why should people care about her? Her fiance knocks the shit out of her in an elevator and she not only helps cover it up, she goes back to him and marries him. If she's stupid enough to sign up for more abuse, it's on her. The public doesn't owe her any sympathy.

Janay Palmer probably married him out of low self esteem not stupidity. We don't know what pressure she was under from her family or her religion to forgive him. Batters can be very sorry after an incident so he may have promised her that it wouldn't happen again.
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Of the myriad reasons a victim is slow to leave her abuser, I have yet to see stupidity be the answer.

 

I predicted the Giants would lose, as I think the offense needs some time to gel, but seeing it happen so decisively was still frustrating.  I'll need a moment to talk myself out of the "it's going to be another long season" knee-jerk reaction.

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ESPN had Ray Lewis talking about the Ray Rice incident. I've never used this phrase before, but. . . I just can't.

A "How To" segment, I take it? Like OJ's "If I did it..." book.

 

I said it before, there should've been a season of The Wire based on The Ravens.

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I'm just thrilled for it to be football season again, but, man, I could not care less about this late game.

 

Much respect to Chris Canty for saying he disagrees with the media's decision to broadcast the video:

 

You have to think of the victim, Janay, in this situation. To force her to relive that physical and emotional abuse is wrong, it's absolutely wrong, and some media outlets have chosen to air it regardless of her feelings. I'm not sure if they reached out for her consent, but it's wrong.

 

I agree, and everyone else I know who has worked in the DV arena has been saying the same thing all day, but whatever various people have concluded on the airing of the footage, I've seen precious few consider the impact on the victim.  It's oddly refreshing to hear it coming from one of Rice's teammates.

 

Dave Zirin is one of the few sports journalists I've seen express the same concern.

Edited by Bastet
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Janay Palmer probably married him out of low self esteem not stupidity. We don't know what pressure she was under from her family or her religion to forgive him. Batters can be very sorry after an incident so he may have promised her that it wouldn't happen again.

 

Or she grew up in a household with domestic violence in it. It's very common to have both victims and abusers repeat the same domestic violence cycle in their adult lives unfortunately.

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A "How To" segment, I take it? Like OJ's "If I did it..." book.

 

I said it before, there should've been a season of The Wire based on The Ravens.

 

Why? Because Ray Lewis was accused of something fourteen years ago and then Ray Rice hit his fiance? Yeah, what an enthralling drama that would make. Sure, the former is an egomaniac who makes a lot of Ravens fans cringe when he talks, as much as his play on the field made them love him, but the crime he was tried for was obstruction of justice. And the friends he was with, who were charged with murder, were found not guilty through reason of self defence.

 

This bad reputation the Ravens have is completely unwarranted, when they have had one of the lower arrest rates in the NFL for years. Yes, this off-season has been embarrassing and shameful, and players should know better. But I'm still pretty sure they have had less arrests across the board than a lot of teams in the league. And none of their players have run around with guns, and then made bomb threats at airports. Prior to this off-season, no Ravens player had been arrested since 2010.

 

Here's a bit more on the issue. And some more.

Edited by Danny Franks
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I'm just thrilled for it to be football season again, but, man, I could not care less about this late game.

 

Much respect to Chris Canty for saying he disagrees with the media's decision to broadcast the video:

 

 

I agree, and everyone else I know who has worked in the DV arena has been saying the same thing all day, but whatever various people have concluded on the airing of the footage, I've seen precious few consider the impact on the victim.  It's oddly refreshing to hear it coming from one of Rice's teammates.

 

Dave Zirin is one of the few sports journalists I've seen express the same concern.

 

Wow! I actually think this video will do more to battle domestic violence than any anti-domestic violence nonprofit group.

 

It is so powerful.

 

As Lawrence O'Donnell said last night on MSNBC, this is a turning point in how we look at domestic violence.

 

This video, as he noted, is like the Rodney King video. You have to see it to believe it.

 

Keeping the video locked up is like maintaining the status quo.

 

Exposing the video makes a huge difference.

 

Also by saying they don't want the video out there, they're essentially backing Ray Rice. Because without that video, and the backlash against it, Ray Rice would be back at work in less than 72 hours.

Edited by nowandlater
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Wow! I actually think this video will do more to battle domestic violence than any anti-domestic violence nonprofit group.

 

It is so powerful.

 

As Lawrence O'Donnell said last night on MSNBC, this is a turning point in how we look at domestic violence.

 

This video, as he noted, is like the Rodney King video. You have to see it to believe it.

 

Keeping the video locked up is like maintaining the status quo.

 

Exposing the video makes a huge difference.

 

Also by saying they don't want the video out there, they're essentially backing Ray Rice. Because without that video, and the backlash against it, Ray Rice would be back at work in less than 72 hours.

 

I don't know if I would go that far...what if it was a video of a sexual assault? I don't think people would say you were supporting rape and rapists, if you were concerned about it further upsetting the person assaulted, to see such an attack become a viral video and featured on a steady TV loop (though the latter probably wouldn't happen because television still has a few standards).

 

OTOH, it is true that without the video surfacing, Ray Rice would've served his two-week suspension and after the game itself, all the sports talking heads and internet chatter would've moved on to something else. There'd still be people angry about the leniency granted Ray Rice, but until the next somewhat high-profile domestic violence case at least, ESPN would've been very relieved to be back to reporting on Johnny Football, the Cowboys being crap and if/when Michael Sam will make a roster.

 

The elevator video was released and Ray Rice got terminated/suspended and it's sparked a national conversation, but at what personal cost to Janay Rice? It served the greater good, so, too bad if she didn't want anyone seeing her like that? The other video where she was unconscious was already public anyway, so what's one more? And it seems like it makes a difference to some people whether she stayed or left the relationship, how to feel about what her partner did to her. I'm not really trying to insult anyone, just thinking out loud, really.

Edited by Dejana
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The elevator video was released and Ray Rice got terminated/suspended and it's sparked a national conversation, but at what personal cost to Janay Rice? It served the greater good, so, too bad if she didn't want anyone seeing her like that? The other video where she was unconscious was already public anyway, so what's one more? And it seems like it makes a difference to some people whether she stayed or left the relationship, how to feel about what her partner did to her. I'm not really trying to insult anyone, just thinking out loud, really.

 

Already in this thread (and in plenty of other places) we've seen people passing judgement on her and her situation and her decision to be with Ray Rice. We know nothing about either of them, other than what is in that video and, if you happen to be an NFL fan, some degree of Ray Rice's personality. Janay is a blank slate, for people to portray their own hopes and fears and beliefs onto. I think that does a great disservice to her.

 

But, I do think that Ray Rice losing his job was the appropriate outcome of this.

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You are right, Mrs. Rice does not deserve to have her assault on endless replay across multiple channels.   There was a way to do this that somewhat protected her privacy.   But make no mistake, if that tape doesn't surface, Ray Rice is back with the Ravens on Friday thinking he got away with a relatively light punishment for knocking his wife out unprovoked.    And you know what abusers think when they think they got away with it?   They do it again.   They also tell their victims "I got away with it once, I can get away with it again" leaving their victims feeling even more hopeless.

 

I truly hope that Mrs. Rice gets separate counseling from him so she can make a better informed decision as to whether or not to stay with him.   Because you think in joint counseling with her abuser sitting right there she is going to admit how hopeless she feels?

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You are right, Mrs. Rice does not deserve to have her assault on endless replay across multiple channels.   There was a way to do this that somewhat protected her privacy.   But make no mistake, if that tape doesn't surface, Ray Rice is back with the Ravens on Friday thinking he got away with a relatively light punishment for knocking his wife out unprovoked.    And you know what abusers think when they think they got away with it?   They do it again.   They also tell their victims "I got away with it once, I can get away with it again" leaving their victims feeling even more hopeless.

 

I truly hope that Mrs. Rice gets separate counseling from him so she can make a better informed decision as to whether or not to stay with him.   Because you think in joint counseling with her abuser sitting right there she is going to admit how hopeless she feels?

 

Don't forget that she hits him in the video too. Not to the same degree, and not with the same level of aggression, but she still isn't scared of hitting him. I think it also does her a disservice to be portrayed as a helpless, battered woman when we really do not know what the dynamics are. Some couples are violent towards one another, and that's just the way they conduct their affairs.

 

A ten second snapshot of video really isn't enough for me to make a judgement on a relationship that has subsisted for a number of years, as damning as those ten seconds are. Generalising like this does no one any favours.

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I'm with you, Danny Franks, that at some point repeatedly showing the video is most likely just for the public's morbid curiosity. And there certainly are some couples who are violent to each other and neither men nor women should hit each other. But - and this is kind of a big but - Ray Rice's job is to hit and be hit by men twice Janay Rice's size who also happen to be wearing a lot of safety gear. It's not remotely a fair fight at all. I question why she's lunging forward at him in the video but I will not question that he could clearly do far more damage in one swing than Janay Rice could have.

Perhaps it's the cynical bitch in me, but I don't think that this video will do a lot to change domestic violence in general, but I think it will make a lot of people less trustful of the NFL's handling of violence. These men are paid to hit and hit as hard as they can. I find it horrifying, but not surprising, that some of them are violent off the field. And even if the NFL has to he shamed into admitting its spotty record with women, at least they are having to deal with it.

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WHERE in that video does she even get close enough to hit him?    She approaches him but never lays a hand on him.

 

The account I've read of the whole video sequence of the night is that she slaps him before they get on the elevator. She doesn't appear to be cowed by him, so I think it's too simplistic to say she's a battered woman who needs to be rescued. And before anyone tries to twist it, I'm not saying that she was at fault, or this mitigates Rice's actions in any way. I'm simply saying that I think their relationship is more complicated than that of domineering, abusive man and meek, beaten woman.

 

I'm with you, Danny Franks, that at some point repeatedly showing the video is most likely just for the public's morbid curiosity. And there certainly are some couples who are violent to each other and neither men nor women should hit each other. But - and this is kind of a big but - Ray Rice's job is to hit and be hit by men twice Janay Rice's size who also happen to be wearing a lot of safety gear. It's not remotely a fair fight at all. I question why she's lunging forward at him in the video but I will not question that he could clearly do far more damage in one swing than Janay Rice could have.

 

 

I've been saying that to football watching friends ever since this first happened. I absolutely think what Ray Rice did was terrible, and the punishment he's now receiving is justified. I advocated the Ravens cutting him before any of this came out, but sadly I don't have the personal numbers of Ozzie or Steve Bisciotti. I've seen Ray Rice workout, and I've seen just how strong this guy is, the idea of him hitting a 100lb woman (or anyone) is sickening. But my point is that I don't think we can assume anything other than this is what happened on that night.

 

Was it a true one off? Was it a pattern? Was it sustained abuse? Was it an ongoing, fractious, mutually destructive relationship? I have no idea. Only the two of them would know.

 

Also, I eagerly await the outcomes of the Greg Hardy and Ray MacDonald cases, because I want to see that the NFL is truly serious about tackling domestic violence, and not just using this high profile case as an example, now they've been forced to by the video evidence.

Edited by Danny Franks
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WHERE in that video does she even get close enough to hit him?    She approaches him but never lays a hand on him.

She pushes him, not especially hard, before they get in. She is coming across the elevator at him just before he hits her.

More detail released this morning indicates that there was a lot of cursing by both of them and she spits at him just before he hits her.

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Much respect to Chris Canty for saying he disagrees with the media's decision to broadcast the video:

I agree. I loved his intelligent, compassionate comments. And another teammate said he was "ashamed" by Ray Rice's actions. I'm glad the team is being allowed to speak honestly to the media and isn't hiding behind the shroud of secrecy or the "protect your boy" mentality that I often see in the NFL.

 

 

And the bad news for the Giants is that it's still Eli.

In Eli's defense, his offensive line gave him little protection, he's working under a new offensive system with these crazy hand signals that many of the receivers don't understand or see, and his defense wasn't helping him at all. Have they forgotten how to wrap people up and tackle? That frustrated me more than anything else--much of Detroit's offense resulted from the Giants' inability to tackle. Except for Megatron. That dude seems unstoppable.

 

The Lions have been called underachievers for many years. I hope they live up to their potential this season.

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