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Favorite Quotes: "What the hell goes on at night in this house?!"

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Blanche: Oh, Sophia, no bingo tonight?

Sophia: I'm staying home tonight, trying to recapture my lost youth. (beat) I see you haven't got it.


Dorothy: I have to admit, Stan was pretty amazing today. Did you see the way he stood up for himself? I mean, this is not the same guy who screamed "paint my toenails, we've just invaded Korea!"

Edited by Melgaypet
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Blanche: "Ever thought about getting a facelift? For your....how do I put this delicately, turkey waddle or what?"

Sophia: "You embarrassed me and you embarrassed your mother, and not to mention that poor, stupid, flat chested girl."

Dorothy: "Rose let's face it, your daughter moves faster than Marcus Allen."

Rose: "I can't face it. I don't know who Marcus Allen is."

Dorothy: "Let me put it to you another way, Rose, what do you call a woman who sleeps with a guy on their first date?"

Blanche: "A damn good sport."

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Blanche: "What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends?! You told me you were a virgin until you got married!"
Rose: "Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way!"

Blanche: "You can not! If that were true Rose, then that would mean you were...a slut."

Dorothy: "Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut."
Rose: "Thank you, Dorothy."
Dorothy: "She is the slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!"
Blanche: "Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!"
Dorothy: "The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!"

Edited by Blakeston
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(After Blanche lost vote on what to do with St. Olaf war bonds)

Blanche: "Big Daddy was right, women shouldn't be allowed to vote."

Sophia: "Blanche, when I said give it to the old lady, I did mean you."


Blanche: "I'm just as southern as the fruit of a scuppernong arbor growing proudly by the lazy Mississippi."

Dorothy: "Lawdy, lawdy, are you full of it."


Jason: "Isn't she the most beautiful mother you ever seen?"

Sophia: "Grand, just grand."


Dorothy: "And how is little Aurora this morning?"
Rebecca: "She was a very good girl this morning, just smiling and smiling and smiling. I know that sometimes it's just gas, but she looks so cute."
(Sophia pulls on Dorothy's shirt, Dorothy turns around, Sophia grins)
Dorothy: "It's not cute once you hit 80, Ma."

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Dorothy: Rose, we've been over this a hundred times. You cannot get pregnant using the toilet at the mall.


Sophia: Dorothy, thank God. I broke my glasses at the mall - I can't see a thing. It took me six hours to find my way home.

Dorothy: Why didn't you call?

Sophia: I did, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. Here, Dorothy, I've got five in my pocket - a lifetime supply.

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A few gems:


Sophia: Haven't you got any decent nectarines?
Grocery Store clerk: You're crazy! This nectarine is beautiful! I've never seen a more perfect piece of fruit!
Sophia: Yeah? Then try kissing my behind! It's a real peach!


Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief!
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your BRA?
Sophia: I was blowing my breasts Rose!


Dorothy: I have a date.
Blanche: With a man?
Dorothy: No, Blanche, with a venus fly trap!


Rose: I think you've been ditched.
Blanche: Now, did I ask you? If I want advice on getting ditched, I'll ask an expert. Dorothy did I get ditched?
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, but don't feel bad. Look what it's done for Sonny Bono.
Blanche: Then it's finally happened...I cannot believe it, I have lost it, haven't I...
Sophia (entering kitchen): In more backseats than any woman I know...


Blanche: I wish Sophia was my mother, so I could be the one to put her in Shady Pines...


Dorothy: Ma, you couldn't sleep either?
Sophia: No, I was sleeping so well, I thought I'd try it in the sink.

Edited by AndySmith
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Rose: "So your wife had triplets?"

Dorothy: "What are they?"

Rose: "That's when three babies are born at the same time."


Blanche: "Self respect is for losers like Rose."

Rose: "Sure you have some wonderful times and some fabulous sex, but is that worth your self respect?"

Dorothy: "Not now loser."


Blanche: "His wife? He told me his wife died years ago."

Woman: "Oh he did, did he?"

(woman marches over to husband's hospital bed)

Woman: "You louse, you crumb, this is who you're cheating on me with now....a woman in her sixties!"

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Rose: "Sophia, you had the body of a 25 year old, and Blanche, you were having sex at 92, and Dorothy...you met someone that couldn't keep their hands off of you."

(Moments later)

Sophia: "It's a miracle."

Dorothy: "Yes it is."

Sophia: "Dorothy's finally met someone."

Sophia: "Rose has a man, and soon Blanche will find a man, and you...you should buy a parakeet or something."

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Sophia: Gloria is the type of woman who needs a man to buy her things and take care of her.

Dorothy: Oh? And what kind of woman am I?

Sophia: The kind who should live with her mother.


Sophia: Angelo, I'm in trouble.

Angelo: Then the boy will marry you!

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Dorothy: "Rose honey, how about a piece of bundt cake, huh?"

Rose: "Oh no thanks."

Blanche: "I'll try some Dorothy."

Sophia: "Try some right, like it's some big experiment, like you got no idea what it tastes like, like you don't shovel it in by the pound every chance you get..."

Dorothy: "Ma!"

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Rose: "Sophia, I can't believe you're doing this! This reminds me of the story of Gunilla Olfstatter, St. Olaf's very own Angel of Death."
Dorothy: "Tell it, Rose, tell it."
Rose: "Really? All the way through?"
Dorothy: "All the way through, but please try to make the end come as close to the beginning as possible!"
Rose: "Well, Gunilla Olfstatter was a nurse at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsen, and he asked her if she would get him some more mouth moisteners and then kill him. Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away, but the killing thing, it seemed to go against everything she'd been taught!"
Dorothy: "You're doing beautifully, Rose."
Rose: "He begged and he begged and by her coffee break she couldn't stand it anymore, so she pulled the plug and he died. Well, she was wracked with guilt that night. Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot, but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading was the pain talking or the medication talking or the guy in the next bed talking. You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar Von Bergman, St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist."
Dorothy: "Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we? I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue."
Rose: "Yes! Sven came back to haunt Gunilla. Since then, every Tuesday night at ten - nine Central......she hears noises. Some say it's the wind, but some say it's Sven's voice whispering back from the other side, saying: "Turn around, quick! His lips are moving!"
Dorothy: "You see that, Ma? You kill someone, you end up being a Rose story."


Sophia: "I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a..."
Dorothy: "Ma! I know what a man is! But I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals. And you know why? Because I have standards, I have intelligence, I have class. And you know what else I have?"
Sophia: "It's not self-awareness, that's for damn sure."


Sophia: "Dorothy, you can come in now."
Dorothy: "I thought the two of you would like some nice cold lemonade."
Sophia: "Marvin is married to Sarah."
Dorothy: (Looks at Marvin) "You don't get any lemonade."


Sophia: "Isn't it obvious? They put in ad in the paper to lure an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games! They want me to be their love slave!"


Dorothy: "Oh, come on, Ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back. It doesn't work. I know......I tried."

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I recently bought the back 4 seasons after owning the first 3 for years. Love finding all the little missing dialogues and jokes that weren't in syndication.


I've never seen the end of the "CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!" scene after Blanche's big amazing speech.


Dorothy: "I have no idea who this woman is, I bought these for my brother!" as she runs out.

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Dorothy: "What are you going to with me?"
Eduardo: "You have good bones. Yes, this is a strong, noble face, full of wisdom and sincerity. You could be a Greek goddess."
Dorothy: "Oh go on Eduardo....I said go ON Eduardo."
Sophia: "Give him a break, he barely got it out once with a straight face."


Eduardo: "Whose hair should I do next."

Dorothy, Blanche, & Rose: "Mine."

Blanche: "Me first I'm the dirtiest."


Rose: "Blanche, you have to go in there and talk to him."

Blanche: "I will, I will, if...it's just that I'm not very good at it. I was only blessed with one talent, turning men on. I just never known how to turn them off. You tell em Dorothy."

Dorothy: "I would Blanche, but remember we just wanna turn him off, not drain the sex drive completely out of him!"


Dorothy: "You know Ma you're making me feel very bad. You keep telling me how hard it was and how long it took to have me."

Sophia: "Did I mention the colic?"

Dorothy: "Ma, you're hurting my feelings."

Sophia: "Not as much as you hurt my oonie."

Dorothy: "Ma!"

Sophia: "I'll tell you something Dorothy, no matter how much pain I went through and it was a lot, I wouldn't give up having you for anything in the world."

Dorothy: "Thanks Ma."

Sophia: "And I knew you'd be special."

Dorothy: "And I didn't disappoint you?"

Sophia: "A little."


Blanche: "I took an 84 year old woman and made her look like a 65 year old drag queen."


Rose: "It's not a fly?"

Dorothy: "No."

Rose: "What is it?"

Dorothy: "It's a beetle."

Rose: "They call it a fly, but it's really a beetle?"

Dorothy: "Yes."

Rose: "How do they know it's Spanish?"

Dorothy: "Because it wears a little sombrero Rose!"

Rose: "Then why don't they call it a beetle, Spanish beetle?"

Dorothy: "Because they call it Spanish fly."

Rose: "Then what do they call their flies?"

Dorothy: "I DON'T CARE ROSE! Forget it, I don't care! The minks can just sit there and we'll lose all our money, I don't care. Just don't mention Spanish Fly to me ever again!"

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One of my favorite lines ever.


Housekeeper candidate: "15 years I spent in that stinkin' hole [san Quentin]. I saw violence. I saw despair. I saw Johnny Cash 8 times."


Dorothy: "Well, that concludes the interview, unless there are any other questions."


Rose: "I have a question. Does Johnny cash ever wear plaid?"


This sequence always makes me crack up uncontrollably.

Edited by Gillian Rosh
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(Rose comes out showing Blanche a flannel night dress she's gonna pose for Miles)

Rose: "I'm ready."

Blanche: "Where are you going with that thing?"

Rose: "Well that's what I'm wearing for the photographer. It's the nightgown that makes Miles, you know, hot."

Sophia: "Maybe it's the, you know, flannel."

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While Rose isn't my favorite Girl (that would be Blanche), some of her St. Olaf stories are among my favorite moments of the entire series. "Women started giving each other home perms...pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel" has me on the floor every time (as does Vidal Sasbogadodder), and her story about the soda jerk arranging the ice cream scoops in an "obscene way" will never stop being hilarious.

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One of my favorite quotes is Sophia saying "I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful." I can't recall which episode she says it in though. I use that line now when I talk to my kids.

I don't remember the entire episode, but I know that's the end to the "linguine with ear salve" story. "Once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it moved like hotcakes!"

Edited by bettername2come
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Dorothy: I'd kill Gloria if she wrote a book about my sexual life.

Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?


Blanche: I do love the rain so...it reminds me of my first kiss.

Dorothy: Aww. Your first kiss was in the rain?

Blanche: No, it was in the shower!


Rose: We should put out the welcome mat.

Blanche: But honey, we don't have a welcome mat!

Rose: What about the one Dorothy says is always at the foot of your bed?


Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.

Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night!

Edited by AndySmith
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