Favorite Quotes: "What the hell goes on at night in this house?!"

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Blanche: Well, I should've known I couldn't trust you, that all that "Let's be sisters" stuff was just a bunch of bull! You had no right to use my life for your book, to twist facts so that beautiful, sacred love became so much tawdry trash! I earned that "A" in History! For the first time in my life, I am ashamed to be a Hollingsworth. Vixen: Story of a Woman is nothing but a vulgar collection of perverse sexual acts that are sheer and utter FILTH!

 

*Everyone in the store rushes the table and begins grabbing copies of the book. Magda and Sophia have a mini-wrestling match until Sophia yanks it away, and Magda swats her arm with her purse as she retreats*

[babyhouseman]

Dorothy: What are you doing shooting - are you crazy?!
Rose: I heard a noise, I thought it was robbers.
Sophia: I lived eighty, eighty-one years; I survived two world wars, pneumonia, a stroke and two operations. One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!

 

Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.

Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

[jonesingjay]

Phyllis Hammerow: "You slept with the sheriff!?"

[Blakeston]

Dorothy: "Should I? Oh what the hell, Rose what is Gowhackanoggin?" 

Rose: "It's a lot like baseball. Except, instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself in the head"

 

It wasn't until I read this that I realized that Rose was saying "go whack a noggin."

 

I assumed it was just supposed to be an amusing collection of Scandinavian-esque sounds, like vertubenfluben.

[OSM Mom]

Oh blow it out your turbenburbles, Blakeston. ;)

[AKA...CJ86]

Rose has a towel over her face and Blanche is ready to show Rose how "Blanche's beauty treatment" is gonna make her feel like a new woman. Dorothy comes in the kitchen and stands behind Rose. Rose takes the towel off and Blanche holds up a mirror.

Rose: Oh my god, I look horrible! Oh Dorothy it's you.

...This is my absolute favorite...and something I quote myself with my compact mirror and whoever's behind me all the time...lol.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

It wasn't until I read this that I realized that Rose was saying "go whack a noggin."

 

I assumed it was just supposed to be an amusing collection of Scandinavian-esque sounds, like vertubenfluben.

"I think she's a gerkonanaken."

 

"Well, what exactly does that mean?"

 

"Literally, its the precise moment when dog doo turns white."

Edited August 14, 2014 by Cobalt Stargazer

[ShadowSixx]

Dorothy: "You know what's young to me now? Forty, suddenly forty is young."

Blanche: "Awww aren't you sweet."

 

Greta: "Lorraine, you want a young man, fine. Just make it a young black man. Why I could name ten fine, rich, young black men right off the top of my head."

Blanche: "Wait a minute, while a get a pencil."

 

Dorothy: "You know I can't remember when I had a sponge cake that was quite so, moist."

Jerry: "Extremely moist."

Rose: "The moistest."

Sophia: "I found the tea rather moist as well."

[Dorothy gives her a look]

Sophia: "What, I can't be uncomfortable too?"

 

Blanche: "I don't know what I'm gonna do about Jason. He's reached a point in his life where he's anxious to settle down. I mean he wants us to have another child right away. Well frankly, I don't know if I want another baby so soon."

Dorothy: "I understand, wait a couple of years and Medicare will pay for it."

Sophia: "Why wait, have it now and The Enquirer will pay for it."

[babyhouseman]

Rose That's the way it was with thor. Our pet lamb. From when he was first separated from his mother, he wouldn't eat, sleep, or frolic with the other sheep.
Dorothy You're slipping into verse, rose. Keep it simple.
Rose Daddy got the idea of taking this old inner tube, wrapping it in wool, and putting it next to thor's bed. We named it brunhilda, and it did the trick. Thor thought it was his mother. He began eating, ..
Dorothy Frolicking.
Blanche Frolicking.
Rose Yes. Then one day, thor got a little playful and accidentally bit brunhilda.The poor little guy stood there watching his mother deflate before his very eyes. He was never the same. Sure, once in a while he'd baa at the back tires of a parked car. For the most part, he kept to himself.
Dorothy I see your point.
Rose You do?
Blanche Who cares?
Dorothy You want to hear the sequel?

[Cobalt Stargazer]

"You have backed me into a corner, Dorothy, and when I get backed into a corner I come out fighting like a wildcat. Unless I've had too much champagne, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad, passionate love on the carpet."

[ShadowSixx]

Blanche: "My stunning good looks are fading. Oh the camera does not lie. That only leaves me with one choice, I am going to be perfect, I'm gonna be gorgeous! I'm gonna have my tummy tucked, and my butt firmed, and my breasts raised, and my face lifted."

Sophia: "It's a shame to do all that and keep that hairdo."

 

Rose: "Good luck Dorothy, I'll miss you, I love you."

Dorothy: "Someday sweetie I'm gonna get out of this hell hole, and I'm going to come looking for you."

Rose: "Don't spend all your time in prison hating me Dorothy...learn a trade."

 

Blanche: "Dorothy, tonight I'm gonna be out front in a laundry truck."

Dorothy: "Gotcha...so?"

Blanche: "So if you hear screaming don't call the cops."

 

Dorothy: "Margaret, please sit down."

Blanche: "Maybe we outta get her a booster seat."

Dorothy: "Can I get you a drink?"

Blanche: "How about chocolate milk."

 

Stan: "Would you girls excuse me, my girdle is killing me."

Rose: "He's wearing a girdle?"

Dorothy: "And padded shoulder pads."

Blanche: "And knowing him a sock in his crotch."

 

Russell: "Dorothy, Dorothy, I got a charlie horse. I can't make it."

Dorothy: "Shake it off wimp!"

 

Guy: "Okay everybody, please take a seat. There's not much to explain, the questions we selected will test your general knowledge. It's not an easy exam, history tells us that only ten percent of you will score high enough to be asked back."

Blanche: "Wow ten percent, only one out of five."

 

Blanche: "Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?"

Dorothy: "Well, well, well Blanche, a pot of lip gloss, and a tube of maybelline can't help you now, can they?"

[babyhouseman]

Dorothy: "Blanche, this is...say hello to Big Mommy."

[ShadowSixx]

Blanche: "“Like the blossom of the ginsum weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor”

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Dorothy: "Not you, Fatal Blossom, Stan!"

[AKA...CJ86]

Dorothy "Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?"
Blanche "I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here."
Rose "It looks like a perfume sample."
Dorothy:"Put it behind your ears, Rose."

 

Miles "I'm a college professor, Rose. What did you think when I said I taught Hemingway?"
Rose "I thought you were old."

 

Rose "Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy."

[Cobalt Stargazer]

"Was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?"

[LilWharveyGal]

Blanche:  "I always assumed I'd be kept by a younger man."

Dorothy:  "It's not too late, they get younger everyday!"

[Cobalt Stargazer]

"He's leaving her for Tokyo, Rose."

 

"Well, that kind of makes sense. She is a radio personality."

[ShadowSixx]

Dorothy: "Oh hi Rose - Is the roof in your room leaking too?"

Rose: "No Dorothy, I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep I can be just as bitchy as you."

[babyhouseman]

Blanche: Dorothy, she is making me an aphrodisiac.

Dorothy: Use black underwear and vodka like everyone else.

[ShadowSixx]

Sophia: "I'm not playing Dorothy, although playing a sap on stilts would be a cakewalk. No offense, Pussycat."
Dorothy: "None taken, you cankerous little prune."
 

Dorothy: "A word out of you and I'll cut off your supply of Metamucil."

 

Blanche: "How could you sleep with that man?

Rose: "She slept with him?"

Blanche: "What do you think she did."

Rose: "Well she looks like she was pushing his car."

 

Dorothy: "I am the wolf, boom, boom, the big bad wolf, boom, boom...hello."

 

Kristen: "This one time I was driving up the driveway, and you were dressed like a lamb, you were dressed in a petticoat, and you were all getting into a car with a big scary dog."

Dorothy: "I was a wolf."

 

Dorothy: "For God's sake Rose, Eisenhower used less chalk planning D-Day!"

[Cobalt Stargazer]

"Rose, do a big, ugly man with a limp a favor and shut up."

[ShadowSixx]

Dorothy: "Blanche, I can get herpes listening to this story!"

 

Dorothy: I can't see a thing.
Rose: What kind of a movie is this Dorothy?
Movie: Rip his throat out!
Dorothy: It's a musical Rose.

 

Dorothy: Did you finish the decorations, Rose?
Rose: No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. (Shows mouse balloon) Look.
Dorothy: This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?
Rose: Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. (Dorothy pops the balloon)

Dorothy: Now you can call him garbage.

 

Mr. Ha Ha: Well, it says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven, Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is...
Dorothy: I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha!
Mr. Ha Ha: ...Dorothy is the oldest!

 

Stan: It's from Dorothy too.
Stan's Mother: If I had to thank her I'd choke on the words.
Dorothy: Please risk it.

 

Jasper: You're idiots. The only humor here is my own. It's your great stupidity. This picture no more echos Monet than any of you echo a beauty queen, and you will waste no more of my time. (turns and leaves)
Rose: Oh yeah?!
Dorothy: Go easy on him Rose.

 

Sophia: Gee, you save a guy's life and all you get is apple juice and a cookie?

 

Dorothy: I don't know whether to cry or commit you.

[Melgaypet]

Sophia: It's Tuesday night, I'm cleaning out my purse.

Rose: Did all that stuff come out of your purse?

Sophia: No, I was also cleaning out my ears, that's where the Feen-a-mint and the rain bonnet came from.

Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?

Sophia: Forgive me, Rose, but I haven't had sex in 15 years and it's starting to get on my nerves!

[Blakeston]

Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.

Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

 

You know, it didn't occur to me until now that they actually did have some pretty substantial opiate painkillers. (What with this episode coming before the one where Rose's substance abuse issues are revealed.)

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Dorothy: I can't see a thing.

Rose: What kind of a movie is this Dorothy?

Movie: Rip his throat out!

Dorothy: It's a musical Rose.

That reminds me of this:

 

Dorothy: "Ma, where have you been?"

Sophia: "I went to the video store."

Dorothy: "I said I'd go!"

 

Sophia: "Please, you never get any good movies. The last time you came back with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Do you have any idea how disappointed I was to find out that it's a musical?"

[babyhouseman]

Blanche: [having kicked Dorothy out of the Elvis club] Well I... I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.

Dorothy: ...I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis-fan-club... I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life... I mean there must be a support group for people like me.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Rose: "Are you going to put out the welcome mat before your brother gets here?"

 

Blanche: "We don't have a welcome mat."

 

Rose: "What about the one that Dorothy says is at the foot of your bed?"

[ShadowSixx]

Blanche: "All your dreams can come true if you believe. All you have to do is believe!"
Dorothy: "Oh, I do believe! I do believe in sluts!"

 

Blanche: "I was gonna take this dress back!"

Dorothy: "I'm sorry Blanche."

Blanche: "You're sorry?"

Dorothy: "Come on it was an accident."

Sophia: "Or was it?"

 

Rose: "How's the coffee?"

Actress: "Terrific!"

Rose: "Actor."

 

Blanche: "Just like Miss Lana Turner I was discovered. Well, not exactly like Miss Lana Turner."

Rose: "You mean she was sipping a soda, and you were scarfing down your usual lumberjack breakfast."

 

Dorothy: "Tell me about it, you guys look like you should be barking in front of a fire engine."

Edited August 30, 2014 by ShadowSixx

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Blanche: "Rose, I need to say something to you. It's just two little words, but they're the hardest two words in the world for me to say."

 

Rose: "'Not tonight'?"

[ShadowSixx]

Rose: "If she loses, I'll punch her stinking heart out."

 

Rose: "I did learn that Baked Alaska can actually be baked locally."
Dorothy: "Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth."

 

Blanche: "Rose, let's go watch I Love Lucy in the kitchen."
Rose: "But that set is black and white!"

 

Blanche: "Dorothy! I've just been speaking to that good looking reporter over there who just got back from Russia, and he told me some very interesting things. It snows there in the summertime, and they don't have many attractive women – do you realize what that means? When we go to Russia I will have my pick of any man in the country and you can make a snowman in Junee!"

 

Rose: "Ahoy girls. Quick, grab some champagne."
Blanche: "Ooh, I just love champagne!"
Dorothy: "Oh so do I. The only problem is after a few glasses I'll kiss any man in sight."
Person: "Man Overboard!"

[Melgaypet]

Blanche: Woe is me; woe, oh, woe is me.

Dorothy: Problem, Blanche?

Blanche: Yes, it's my hair. It has split ends, it's dull and listless, it makes my face look...

Dorothy: It's age?

Blanche: If you're gonna make fun of somebody, make fun of Rose.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Dorothy: "I'm worried about Michael. He's always been a little flighty."

 

Blanche: "Grandma Hollingsworth always said I was a little flighty. Or was that a little floozy?"

[ShadowSixx]

Glen: "Our entire block was Irish, the kids on the next block were all Italian. We all took turns beating each other up on the way home from school."
Rose: "I think it's nice when children take turns."

 

Blanche: "Sophia, I've decided to wear this little watch on a chain nestled cunningly in my cleavage. What other accessories do you think I need?"
Sophia: "Implants."

[RealityGal]

Sophia at a Fidel's funeral: "He made me feel attractive and desirable again. He probably made the rest of you feel that way, too. Looking out at this kennel club, that was no small accomplishment."

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Which brings us to:

 

Mourner at Fidel's funeral: "I'm leaving! I'm not about to mourn for a man who was with every woman in this room."

 

Dorothy: "He was never with me."

 

Mourner: "I guess even he had his standards."

 

Poor Dorothy, she even gets dissed at funerals. :-P

[ShadowSixx]

Rick: How do you think we feel having to gargle next to Grandma Moses and the Mosettes?
Rose: You, you, you rude person!
Dorothy: Go easy on him Rose.

 

Dorothy: He made me feel beautiful.

Blanche: He made me feel young.

Rose: He made me feel smart.

Dorothy: God, what an actor.

 

Dorothy: (Referring to Blanche's fake breasts) My rear tires has less pressure in them.

 

Dorothy: Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose: I made dessert.
Blanche: Damn.
Rose: What'd you say, Blanche?
Blanche: "Yum," I said "yum."
Dorothy: Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?
Rose: Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.
Dorothy: So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?
Rose: Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.
Sophia: I can't even reach mine!

[wanderingstar]

Dorothy's "Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy" always makes me laugh.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Gillian Rosh

[Blakeston]

Sophia: "Nobody can keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo. Whatever that guy is hiding I can smoke it out of him in three or four quick questions."
Clayton: "Hello, ladies."
Sophia: "Perfect timing!"
Dorothy: "Ma!"
Sophia: "So, Clayton, what do you think of this Miami weather were having?"
Clayton: "Oh, it's lovely."
Sophia: "I see. Have you ever been to Europe?"
Clayton: "No. But it's always been a dream of mine."
Sophia: "Interesting."
[holds up 2 fingers]
Sophia: "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Clayton: "Two."
Sophia: "Fine. You can go back in the living room now."
::Clayton leaves::
Sophia: "The man's as gay as a picnic basket!"

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Clayton: "Blanche, we're getting married."

 

Rose: "That's impossible, Clayton, brothers can't marry sisters!" *pause* "Oh, wait, you're from the south!"

 

Dorothy: "Clayton and Blanche aren't getting married, you airhead, Clayton and Doug are!"

 

Rose: "Oh. Oh. Oh?"

 

That "Oh?" always kills me.

[TaraS1]

Sophia:  I've said it before and I'll say it again, sluts just heal quicker.

 

Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother, she survived a slight stroke, which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

 

Dorothy:  If Gladys Goldfein told you to drink a whole bottle of Kaopectate, would you?
Sophia:  Who blabbed?

 

Rose (re: being Kim Fung Toi):  Same on inside, different on outside.

 

Dorothy:  Ma, I'm queen!  I'm queen!

Sophia:  I'm proud of ya, Cindy Lou!

 

Rose:  Do these glasses make me look stupid?
Blanche:  Let's just say they don't hide it.

 

Blanche (after hearing the doorbell):  Who's that at the door?
Rose (standing at the door):  It's me, Blanche.

 

Dorothy:  You don't get any lemonade.

 

Blanche:  Pencils down, Rose.

Rose:  I could have used a pencil?!

 

Rose:  At least my mother voted for me!

 

Sophia:  A slut is a girl who gets knocked up in the back of a Studebaker. (beat)  It was a Studebaker, wasn't it, Dorothy?

[Donny Ketchum]

Dorothy: It was a Nash, Ma.

Sophia: Now, that's a slut.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Blanche to Rose: "I'm not looking for a literary critique, you dweeb!"

[TaraS1]

Blanche (re: the chicken that saved Rose's life):  They are the stupidest birds...

 

Blanche:  Gawd, I wish I was dead.

 

Rue's delivery was everything in those lines LOL

 

Sophia:  Angelo, I'm in trouble.

Angelo:  Then the boy will marry you.

[ShadowSixx]

Dorothy: Oh my god.

Blanche: What?

Dorothy: There's a picture and I'm in it.

Blanche: Let me see.

Dorothy: No, I look terrible in it.

(Blanche takes newspaper)

Blanche: Oh come on, you always think you look bad in pictures.

(Blanche looks at photo in newspaper)

Blanche: Now that's ugly.

 

Blanche: Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---
Dorothy: On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta, FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!

 

Woman #1: Did you say Claude Livaudais?

Woman #2: Yes.

Woman #1: My great-grandfather told stories of Claude Livaudais. He once sold horseshoes to a union soldier.

Woman #3: Yankee!

Woman #2: Oh no, I can explain!

Woman #2: Fie!

Woman #4: Traitor!

Blanche: Oy vey.

 

Blanche: Oh please, let my people in.

 

Blanche: You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.

 

Yvonne: Whirlybirds!

Women: Whirlybirds!
Yvonne: Jackhammer!
Women: Jackhammer!
Yvonne: Windshield wipers!
Women: Windshield wipers!
Yvonne: (Grabs her leg in pain) Charley horse!
Rose: (Mimicking Yvonne) Charley horse!
Dorothy: She has a cramp, you peabrain!

[Melgaypet]

Sophia: I just love to watch you two kiss. The last picture was a little blurry, it was hard to tell who was who. No offense, Pussycat.

Lucas: Pussycat, huh? Nobody's called me that since the navy. (kisses Dorothy and leaves)

Sophia: Y'know, I think he's just nuts enough to actually show up at the wedding tomorrow.

Dorothy: You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much!

[Blakeston]

Yvonne: Whirlybirds!

Women: Whirlybirds!

Yvonne: Jackhammer!

Women: Jackhammer!

Yvonne: Windshield wipers!

Women: Windshield wipers!

Yvonne: (Grabs her leg in pain) Charley horse!

Rose: (Mimicking Yvonne) Charley horse!

Dorothy: She has a cramp, you peabrain!

 

Yvonne: "Hello. My name is Yvonne. Have you been here before?"

Blanche: [to Dorothy] "See? Go to a women's gym, you get hit on by a woman."

Yvonne: "I work here."

Blanche: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything."

Rose: "She just thought you were a lesbian."

 

Yvonne: "I do aerobics."

Blanche: "Yes, but Yvonne, you're much younger than...they are."

Edited September 15, 2014 by Blakeston

[OSM Mom]

Yvonne - "You'll need leg warmers.."

Dorothy-"Leg warmers?? “

Yvonne- "Well yeah. You have to use something to keep your thighs warm. What are you using now? “

Dorothy - "Friction! That's why we're here!"

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Yvonne - "You'll need leg warmers.."

Dorothy-"Leg warmers?? “

Yvonne- "Well yeah. You have to use something to keep your thighs warm. What are you using now? “

Dorothy - "Friction! That's why we're here!"

*Dorothy and Blanche come into the workout area in totally new outfits, looking rather like Solid Gold Dancers who are about to do aerobics*

 

Rose: "Nice outfits, girls."

 

Dorothy/Blanche: "Oh, shut up, Rose."

[ShadowSixx]

Yvonne - "You'll need leg warmers.."

Dorothy-"Leg warmers?? “

Yvonne- "Well yeah. You have to use something to keep your thighs warm. What are you using now? “

Dorothy - "Friction! That's why we're here!"

 

Yvonne: … gym bags, gym socks, sneakers, and a sports bras to minimize jiggle and bounce.

Blanche: Yvonne, honey, I think you’re missing the whole point of having breasts.