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Favorite Quotes: "What the hell goes on at night in this house?!"

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Dorothy: That's not what were talking about, you titmouse! We were talking about how humiliated we all were by Patrick.
Rose: Oh you're right. I feel so common, so cheap, so used. How do you usually deal with that, Blanche?
Blanche: Rose, just for that, I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while you're taking a shower.


Sophia: All right Dorothy, I'll tell you. I was married to another man before your father. It was an arranged marriage that I later had annuled.
Dorothy: And?
Sophia: And I killed him just to watch him die. What do you mean, "and"?


Blanche: Sophia says she has no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.
Rose: Oh my God, who stabbed Sophia?
Dorothy: The chef at Benihana, Rose.


Rose: So how was it [blanche's date], Blanche?
Blanche: You might as well ask me to describe the glory of the great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of the Carolina dawn!
Dorothy: They went to a sleazy motel.
Blanche: Or the colours of the monarch butterfly spreading its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon!
Dorothy: She got him to pay for half the room.
Blanche: Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heaven, tall and mighty and proud!
Dorothy: That one, I think, is pretty self-explanatory.


Blanche: There's just one hitch. I need three more people to get the group rate at the hotel.
Sophia: I thought hotels always gave you the group rate.
Rose: Yes, sweetheart, but this is for the whole night!


Blanche: Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!
Sophia: That's right! But unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it.

Edited by AndySmith
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Blanche (to Dorothy): "Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker. Of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science fiction!"

Dorothy: "Remind me when I feel better to kick the crap out of her."

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Dorothy: But Biff, you are a drifter. I can't just pull up stakes and run off with you.

Patrick: Please reconsider Josie, you're the prettiest girl in the county.

(Blanche and Rose snicker)

Dorothy: Shut up.


Rose: Olga Fetchik was our town beautician, and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery, and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes - Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty! Every man in town wanted her, but she ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolf Stepp. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowed Scandinavian dance team of Stepp 'n' Fetchik.

(Dorothy just stares at Rose for about a whole minute)


Blanche: Rose, see, honey, Fernando doesn't exactly belong to you anymore. Well I kinda gave him to Daisy by mistake. So, you understand now, just a silly misunderstanding! See? (everyone except Rose is laughing nervously)
Rose: No. Get him back. I want my teddy!
Blanche: But honey, she's a child! You can't expect a child to give back a toy! Now, you do understand, don't you?
Rose: Just cut the crap and get back the damn bear!

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Blanche: You are a Devereaux. A Devereaux never has had to pay for it. I certainly didn't.

Dorothy: She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Bea leans in to say that line and then she leans back in great smugness and victory.

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Dorothy: "Barbara invited me to the experimental theater tonight."
Blanche: "Someone dragged me to a show there once. Five guys walking around the stage talking about God and eating graham crackers. They wore masks, but other than that they were totally naked."
Rose: "And you stayed for the entire evening?"
Blanche: "Well, I wouldn't have, but one of the men was so familiar to me! It was hard to tell, though, he had such a small part."

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(Blanche bowls after Rose taunts her.)

Blanche: I did it! I did it!

Dorothy: You did what, you knocked down two pins.

Blanche: A personal triumph. 


Rosa: I'll be too embarrassed.

Dorothy: What is there to be embarrassed about? Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?

Sophia: She should have been. Did you see Arthur 2?

Edited by ShadowSixx
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Blanche: I feel like I did when I was a virgin!

Sophia: You mean the feeling isn't going to last long?

Blanche: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

Sophia: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack & Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.

Blanche: I'm not going to stand for this! Not in my own house...

Sophia: Take it Dorothy!

Dorothy: I bet you'll lay down for it!


Blanche: Oh, sometimes I wish [sophia] was my mother...so I could be the one to put her in Shady Pines.


Blanche: I was once arrested for that in Chattanooga.

Dorothy: Blance, are you allowed to go back to Chattanooga?

Blanche: Are you kidding? The sheriff still writes.


(Rose is knocking on Sophia's door; Dorothy and Blanche are already inside)

Sophia: Sorry, I'm not here right now, but you can leave a message after the beep. Beep!
Rose: Hi, this is Rose, I...
Sophia: Rose, get in here!
Rose: Oh, I see you are with two backstabbing ex-friends of mine. I'll just come back later.
Sophia: What do you think this is, the Seven Eleven? I'm not open all night!


Rose: I cannot believe you did that to that innocent young boy!
Blanche: Well, look on the bright side, at least he got to kiss me!
Dorothy: Blanche, more people have kissed you than have kissed the Pope's ring.

Edited by AndySmith
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Blanche: So Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.

Barbara: I'm a writer, Malamud's an author.

Rose: I thought Malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in the middle.

Dorothy: Those are mallomars Rose.

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Blanche: Dorothy, you can't help it if you're dull and boring. God did that to give the world some variety. Otherwise, everybody'd be just like me!

Dorothy: There wouldn't be enough sailors to go around.

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Rose: Just follow my lead. (Starts singing) Gonna stuff a chicken.

Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia: Gonna stuff a chicken.

Rose: Like my mama taught me.

Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia: Like my mama taught me.

Rose: Gonna take that chicken, down to Mississippi!

Sophia: Rose just stuff it!


Magda: Oh, ooooh

Sophia: Drank the slurpy to fast didn't you?

Magda: The pain, it's like knife sticking in forehead, the pain...it's really good.


Dorothy: It's a shame that you and Benjamin were almost not together just because Benjamin was black.

Blanche: Black? Benjamin wasn't black he was from New Jersey. I went to my senior prom with a Yankee!

Dorothy: A Yankee? A Yankee? That is just incredible, and to think they made a movie about that deadbeat Gandhi. When there's a story like this that's never been told. 


Dorothy: What are you talking about Blanche? You never cared about Jeopardy.

Blanche: I do care for Alex Trebek. You see I never had a Canadian who weren't on skates.

Dorothy: I'm sorry I didn't know.

Blanche: I have this recurring fantasy where I say, "Take me Alex, take me now" I tell him and he says, "Uh uh uh Blanche in the form of a question."


Blanche: There's something about a man in Santa Claus suit that drives me absolutely crazy. Maybe it's the warmth of all that red, hot, sweaty flannel, set against the all steel coldness of those black patent leather jack boots. Maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt from a man who spent a cold lonely year cooped up with a pack of dwarfs. All I know is the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire. 


Dorothy: Blanche please, please my body aches.

Blanche: Well so does my honey, that's why I wanna go out on this date.


Blanche: He's alive! And he knows that Miles is seeing Rose and Rose knows me and they always hold the prettiest one hostage! If only I could do something to make myself less attractive.

Sophia: Try soap and water.


Blanche: Now let me clear up some confusion you might have. I don't want to be treated as your equal.

Jerry: You don't?

Blanche: I want to be treated a lot better than you. 

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Marguerite: I won't go on with this charade anymore. I'm black. If that's a problem for you I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra.

Dorothy: Oh Marguerite I could just kiss you.

Marguerite: And I don't go for any of that freaky stuff.

Rose: Neither do Dorothy or I. 

Edited by ShadowSixx
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Blanche: He analyzed my dream.
Dorothy: What dream?
Blanche: The one where I'm running naked through a train, going through tunnel after tunnel, while a sweaty bodybuilder chases me. He said he thinks it's sexual.
Dorothy: He thinks? For God's sake, Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream!


Blanche: I am finally going to do something you've heard me talk about doing for years.
Sophia: You decided to install a trapeze over your bed?


Rose: I've never had to do this before, tell a woman her husband's been seeing me. That's the hardest thing to tell someone.
Blanche: Oh no it's not. Try telling a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her, with her sister. And you're the sister, and you're pregnant too...by her husband.
Dorothy: You... didn't!
Blanche: Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty. Or Falcon's Landing. Or one of those, they're all the same.


Lucy: I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Dorothy: We enjoyed having you.
Sophia: So did half of Miami.


Rose: Blanche, quick, call the police! There's a big ugly man with a limp outside and he's wearing Dorothy's coat! (She looks and sees Dorothy sitting on the bed) Of course, it was dark, and I tend to over-dramatize.


Sophia: Dorothy, you're a genius!
Dorothy: Ma, what are you talking about?
Sophia: I wake up this morning and enter the living room,and there's a toilet in front of the television set. It's an old lady's dream come true.

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Rose:  'I'm going to tell you about a lesson I learned as a little girl back in St. Olaf.  If you hold a bird gently, it'll stay. But, if you squeeze the bird, its eyes will bug out.'

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Rose: Stop being so vain, you can't stay 42 forever.

Blanche: Yes, you can! If you eat right, exercise regularly and live with women who look a lot older than you!

Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, is "Kill the Bitch" a traditional St. Olaf party game?

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Rose: I might be able to help Pepe too.

Sophia: Yea, you can be a constant reminder of what might happen if you spar without head gear.

Rose: I might be able to help him with this. A my name is Anna, my husband's name is Alf, we come from Anahouven, and we sell Antlers.

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Rose: I made (David) an after school snack that I used to make for my son. A triple decker BLT, a nice portion of homemade potato salad and great big slice of double chocolate fudge cake.

Dorothy: Oh, where was your son going after school, the electric chair?


Rose: I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.

Dorothy: Excuse me Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?

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Dorothy asks the priest from the private school where she is subbing to leave after he tries to pressure her into passing a failing student, Sophia crosses herself and looks to the sky...


Dorothy: What now, Ma?

Sophia: I can't believe someone in my family would throw a priest out the door

Dorothy: Ma, you have family who've thrown priests out of windows!

Sophia: That was business.

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Dorothy: Oh Blanche, I'm sorry, I just don't like the idea of this club. I mean it seems so discriminatory.

Blanche: Dorothy, there is nothing wrong with being proud of what you are. This club celebrates those individuals who can prove that they come from 100% southern confederate stock, and if you can't then, fiddle-dee-doo to you.


Dorothy: Uh oh.

Blanche: What?

Dorothy: Well I hate telling you this Blanche...no that's not true, I look forward to telling you this Blanche. The woman your great grandfather married was born well outside of Georgia.

Blanche: How far outside of Georgia?

Dorothy: Buffalo. You're a Yankee Blanche.

Blanche: No this can't be.

Dorothy: A Yankee doodle.

Blanche: There must be some mistake.

Dorothy: You are that Yankee doodle gal.

Blanche: Let me see the certificate. I want see with my own eyes that my great grandmother is that thing you said.

Dorothy: A Yankee.

Blanche: Right.

Dorothy: A Yankee doodle.

Blanche: Oh stop it! Oh my god.

Dorothy: Oh, did I mention that her last name is Feldman. 

Blanche: Oh no, no, no, I can't be Jewish.

Sophia: I'll be damned. The black guy is prejudice.

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Dorothy: Ma, I cannot believe, all these years you've been hoarding away all this money!
Sophia:  Dorothy, please. That money is for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? Ma, you don't leave fingerprints anymore!


Blanche: Tell me something, girls, am I competent in what I do?
Rose:      Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd say you're damn near spectacular!


Rose:     You girls were right about getting Miles on my turf! Oh Blanche, and I'm really grateful for you steering the table-talk to things I know about.
Blanche: Well, you oughta be, it wasn't that easy working natural fertilizer into the dinner conversation.


Rose:     I don't understand.
Dorothy: You should have that printed on a T-shirt.


Dorothy: What's wrong, Ma?
Sophia:  Esther Weinstock, my best friend from when I was in Brooklyn, died.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry. How'd she die?
Sophia:  She was fighting an oil rig fire in Mexico. She was eighty-eight!
Rose:    Well, at least she was able to work right until the end.


Blanche: How do I look, girls?
Rose:     Great!
Blanche: How about sexy?
Rose:     Oh yes!
Blanche: And sensual?
Dorothy: Let me handle this, Rose. Blanche, no woman has ever looked better than you do right now, and no one ever will!
Blanche: Why thank you, Dorothy! My goodness, Rose, I swear sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get a little compliment out of you.

Edited by AndySmith
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My favorite is:

Blanche:"This is strictly off the record. But Derrick(sp) is nearly 5 yrs younger than I am "

Dorothy: "In what Blanche, dog years?"


I love the look on Dorothy's face before she asks the question. She was all, "You have got to be kidding me, right?"

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Dorothy: Oh, I've waited a long time for this night.
Sophia: Dorothy, I'm begging you. Don't go out with this guy. He hurt you once, he'll hurt you again.
Dorothy: I am not going out with him.
Rose: But you said you were gonna make him suffer. Don't you have to date a man to do that?

Dorothy: Not this time. No, I have my plan all worked out, step by step. First he'll comment on how stunning I look, and then I'll say, "Oh, John, did we have a date tonight? Oh, I completely forgot." And as he crumbles, I will show him the door.
Rose: What if he doesn't comment on how stunning you look?

Dorothy: Then you'll bring it up.


John: Dorothy. Dorothy, look at you. You're as beautiful now as you were then. How have you been?

Dorothy: I love you! I, uh I'd love you to meet my friend Rose.
John: Oh. Hi. John Neretti. Shall we go? We've got reservations at 8:30.
Dorothy: Take me. Out. Take me out for dinner.
John: Sure, Dorothy.

Rose: Ahem. I thought you were gonna make him suffer.
Dorothy: Oh, and I will. Tomorrow morning I'll tell him he's the worst lover I ever had.

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Dorothy: Sy now I know what the trouble is. There's something wrong with the line. That's why I can't say it.


Sy: There's something wrong with the line.


Dorothy: Yes, you see I'm an English teacher, I should know. The reason I can't say this is because the line itself is not grammatical. It should be "really good pizza" not real good. Perfect pizza with pizzazz, even better. Hey, I can act and write! Gee I love this business! Listen, you don't mind if I make the change do you Sy?


Sy: No, no, not at all. In fact I think I want to make a change too.


(Dorothy in pizza uniform)


Crew Worker: Alright Dorothy, let's see you smile.


Sy: This one is for the camera......and action!


Extra: Look Grandma, I found you a real good pizza just like you use to get in Sicily.


(Dorothy slams pizza on table)


Sophia: Mmmmm...that's a mighty....that's a mighty lousy pizza.


Dorothy: Ma, you never tasted it before?


Sophia: No, and I never will again.


Sy: What the hell are you doing?


Sophia: Sorry Sy, you can't pay me enough to endorse that slime on a shingle.


Dorothy: Ma, this is a nationwide commercial, there's a lot of money involved here.


Sophia: Sorry Dorothy, there are two things a Sicilian won't do, lie about pizza and file a tax return. Forget it Sy.

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Dorothy: Now, what's going on, Ma?

Sophia: Okay. I hoped I could spare you this, Dorothy, but it's best you know what's going on. It's about Sonny Venuccio--as in the famous Venuccio Vendetta.

Dorothy (perplexed): I never heard of that.

Sophia (snippy): Who asked you? This is a speech, not a quiz.


SO funny!

Edited by cartermarcemmett
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