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Favorite Quotes: "What the hell goes on at night in this house?!"

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Blanche: "I'm so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing!"

Sophia: "Don't worry Blanche, the dress covers most of it."

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"My name is Rose. Like the way a series of pews are arranged in a church."

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Rose: You know what I think?
Blanche: No, do you?

 

Blanche: I never had to pay a penny in backtaxes. I have a way with auditors. The last time I was audited I even got money back from the government.
Sophia: Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor leaves two twenties on your nightstand.

 

Blanche: Dorothy, when I'm feeling low self-esteem, I do a little exercise. I say my name and then three positive things about myself. I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Dorothy, now you try it.
Dorothy: Ah, I don't want to.
Blanche: Come on. Please.
Dorothy: Okay. I'm Dorothy Zbornak, I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend.
Blanche: Oh no, I think I confused you there. I meant three things that apply to you. Like, I'm Dorothy Zbornak, I'm a good speller, and uh... I'm very prompt, and umm...well, there's no law that says there have to be three good things.
Dorothy: Um...I just thought of a third one: she can break a friend's neck like a twig.

 

Blanche: Mel makes me feel young and beautiful and special. When we're together we laugh a lot.
Sophia: Why wouldn't you, you're both naked.

 

Rose: Tell me, is it possible to love two men at the same time?
Blanche: Set the scene. Have we been drinking?

 

Rose: Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia: When, on your days off?

 

Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

 

Rose: Why are you both wearing black? Did you just get back from a funeral?
Dorothy: No Rose, we were singing back-up for Johnny Cash.

 

Blanche: I tried giving up sex.
Dorothy: I guess you fell off the wagon.
Sophia: And on to a naval base!

 

Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.

 

Blanche: Rose is a bimbo.
Counselor: Rose, how do you feel about Blanche calling you that?
Rose: I think she's a garkögernøckin.
Counselor: What does that mean?
Rose: Well, it used to be the term for the precise second that dog doo turns white, but now it mainly stands for rude.

 

Dorothy: Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?
Blanche: I just did a home pregnancy test – it's right here.
Rose: It looks like a perfume sample.
Dorothy: Put it behind your ears, Rose.

 

 

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Therapist: "Rose, what do you think of Blanche saying these things?"

Rose: "I think she's a gerkonenocken."

 

Therapist: "Well, what exactly is that?"

 

Rose: "Literally, it's the precise moment dog doo turns white."

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But..but...Rose knows how the legal system works! She watches "La Law"!

Yeah, exactly how close to the TV were you sitting when you were watching LA LAW?

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D: "Blanche, this trip to the Bahamas, it is not with the doctor"

B: "What do you mean?"

S: "Girl's a slut."

 

Dorothy looks at Sophia disparagingly and Sophia gives Dorothy a look that says "Hey it's true."

That look makes that scene.

Edited by UnitedWhofans
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Blanche finds out she is in menopause and rushes to her room. Dorothy and Blanche run after her.

 

D: "Blanche! Blanche!"

R: "She's in there!"

D: "Really, Columbo?"

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Blanche has just given her secrets to staying young, the last of which is "living with women a lot older than you". She leaves the kitchen.

 

D: " Tell me Rose, is "Kill the Bitch" a traditional St. Olaf party game?"

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So, my sister and I text each other Golden Girls quotes on pretty much a daily basis. Our latest exchange was this:

 

Dorothy: Blanche, have you ever met a man you didn't think was giving you the eye?

Blanche: Just once - in 1976. But it was only a few days later that Mr. President Jimmy Carter admitted to the nation that he had secretly lusted in his heart.

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Blanche: Why do these things always happen to me? I am just a wreck, I don't know what I am going to do.

Dorothy: Oh, come on now, Blanche, we go through this every morning. Now, admit it: you have cellulite.

 

[further unrelated conversation]

 

Rose:...why are you so upset?

Sophia: Don't you listen? She has cellulite!

Blanche: THOSE are dimples!

Sophia: *gestures at face* Dimples are on THESE cheeks!

Edited by Melgaypet
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Dorothy: Ma, I think you're lying.

Rose: Be positive, Dorothy.

Dorothy: OK, I'm POSITIVE you're lying.

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Dorothy:  'I love you, Ma.'

Sophia: 'I love you, Pussycat.'

Dorothy:  'I'm glad you're my mom.'

Sophia: 'I'm glad you're my baby.'

(doorbell rings)

Dorothy:  'That must be the schmaltz police.'

Edited by BooksRule
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Raise your hand if you think it would be cool to hear the entire song of "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There!" It starts out awfully promising, what with the "oom pah pahs" and the mild cursing. 

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 'You know how much I want to be with Oreo, but...'

'Aurora, Mama, Aurora!'

 

"Aurora? I don't know why you couldn't name her something more musical, more Southern."

 

"Sorry, Blanche."

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One of my favorites:

 

Sophia is about to be interviewed by a nun because she wants to join a convent.

 

Nun: We find psychological tests useful in our work, too. It helps us weed out the weirdos and crazies.

 

Dorothy: Sorry Ma.

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Rose: I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.

Dorothy: Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.

Rose: Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.

Dorothy: The final piece of the puzzle.

 

Dorothy:  Blanche, you'd have made a great psychologist.

Sophia: Way to go, pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour!

 

Rose: Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.

Dorothy: Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.

 

Dorothy: So, how much is this Italian contractor going to charge for remodeling the garage?

Sophia: He said he'll do it for free for three reasons! One, he loves his work. Two, his men haven't been together for a while. And three, he loves to be in the company of pretty young women!

Dorothy: Oh, wow... in that case, I guess we'll have to agree!

Sophia: Great! So, here's a list of the pretty young women that you'll have to hire.

 

Blanche: Rose, you must be confused. You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there's some grammar you need help with.

Dorothy: You ended that sentence with a dangling preposition just to bait me!

Blanche: What would I do that for?

 

Woman at Fidel's Funeral: I'm leaving. I'm not about to mourn a man who's been with every woman in this room!
Dorothy: He was never with me!
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.

 

Rose: What you need is faith.
Dorothy: And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.

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Dorothy: I think you're lying, Ma.

Rose: Dorothy, be positive!

Dorothy: OK, I'm POSITIVE you're lying.

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Dorothy (after Sophia says something inappropriate about Clayton's boyfriend):  'You'll have to excuse my mother.  She survived a slight stroke which left her--if I may be frank--a complete burden.'

 

(What makes it extra funny is the way Dorothy puts her arm around Sophia and smiles, while Sophia has this look like 'what did I do?')

Edited by BooksRule
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Dorothy: "I always wanted to try a nudist colony."

 

Train Station Clerk: "Some big pots belong on the back burner."

 

Dorothy: "Excuse me, don't you have a cousin you could be dating?"

Edited by Cobalt Stargazer
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Blanche come out covered in white powder.

 

B:"They got my jewels!"

D: "But I see they didn't get your cocaine."

Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.

Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies do you know have gas and hot flashes?

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"Maybe this is my shot at getting into the Bible!"
"Ma, the Bible is a done deal."

 

LOL every time I hear it.

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Dorothy: "I really like him, and I think he likes me."

Sophia: "Just don't ruin it and sleep with him."

Dorothy: "Of course not, Ma. I only do that with men I plan to scar psychologically."

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Two little jokes that have me on the floor no matter how many thousands of times I've seen the episodes:

Dorothy: He's just in from Minneapolis.

Rose: Minneapolis, MINNESOTA?

Sophia: No, Rose, Minneapolis, France.

 

*toilet sitting in the middle of the living room*

Sophia: Who was that? Was that the plumber?

Dorothy: No, Ma. It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

 

Dorothy: Of course I know what dirty dancing is, they did it in that movie.

Rose: What movie?

Dorothy: Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

Edited by Aja
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*toilet sitting in the middle of the living room*

Sophia: Who was that? Was that the plumber?

Dorothy: No, Ma. It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets

 .

And the follow up:

Sophia: It's an old lady's dream come true - a toilet in front of the television set!

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Was that before or after Blanche brings Mel Bushman back to the house after their disastrous date, and Rose is sitting on the still-uninstalled toilet, so Blanche backs out of the living room and shuts the door behind her? That always kills me.

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It wasn't Mel Bushman who was Blanche's date, it was Richard, the rich guy with his own jet and two young children. But you're right in thinking their relationship did not turn out well.

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Other than Dorothy and Lucas, none of the relationships turned out well lol

 

Blanche: So that's when this salesman from men's sportswear walks clear across the store into ladies' petite and says, "Oh excuse me, miss, but I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Well, personally I'd like to see you in the backless." And I said, "When?" And he said, "How about Saturday night?" And I said, "How about in your dreams, sleazo!" Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Rose: What were you doing in ladies petite?

 

Blanche: I think I have a little more endurance than you.
Dorothy: Blanche, we are not dancing on our backs.

 

Blanche: Now listen Dorothy, you can quit smoking. Do it the same way I did it: just taper off - smoke only after sex!
Sophia: Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!

 

Stan: Will you girls excuse me, my girdle is killing me.
Rose: He's wearing a girdle?
Dorothy: And padded shoulder.
Blanche: And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.

 

Rose: But I still can't understand why he hasn't even approached the subject of... you know... sex. I mean, not that I'm in a hurry or anything, but we have been dating awhile.
Blanche: Honey, sometimes you have to stoke a man's fire a little bit.
Sophia: Words of wisdom from the human torch.

Edited by AndySmith
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Blanche: Now listen Dorothy, you can quit smoking. Do it the same way I did it: just taper off - smoke only after sex!

Sophia: Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!

From the same episode:

Dorothy: Rose, you used to smoke? That's like finding out Lassie was an alcoholic. 

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Lassie was an alcoholic?!?!

 

Blanche: "I'm simply questioning how any man could choose you over me."
Dorothy: "It's not working, Blanche."
Blanche: "I suppose there could be some exceptions - convicts who haven't seen a woman in 25 years..."

 

Blanche: "I know how to turn men on. I just don't know how to turn them off. Dorothy, you talk to him."

Dorothy: "Oh come on Blanche, remember, we just want to turn him off, not drain the sex drive completely out of him!"

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I know it's not technically a quote, but I always lose it whenever Dorothy gets super exasperated with something Rose or Sophia said and she slaps the table with this pained look on her face. Those actresses were all just perfect.

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Rose:  "He makes me feel foolish.  I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories."

Dorothy:  "I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way."

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Two of my favorites:

 

Blanche: We Southerners never forget.

Dorothy: Yes, it's true: possum is brain food.

 

 

Rose (to Dorothy): You said you were gonna make him suffer. Don't you have to date a man to do that?

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