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Quotes: "Do I Look Like a One-Handed Pirate with a Pistol?"

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Regina: So this place is just waiting for your parents to die so they can move in?
Emma: Creepy, but that seems to be the case.

Regina: It's officially a cold day in hell when I move in with the Charmings.

Regina: Hey, child muncher. We're looking for someone.
Blind witch: Why should I help you, Regina? You burned me alive.
Regina: It was Hansel and Gretl.
Blind witch:At your behest and with your fireball.
Regina: Fine, fine, but you stole my apple. What do you think happens when you steal from a witch, witch?

Cruella: Tell me, how is your mother? Oh, yes, with you I need to be more specific. How is the one that killed me?

Cruella: Charming, just like your family.

Cruella: I want to go back to the real world. Oh, how I miss it. The music, the gin, the glamour, the gin.

Regina: I can't have you quitting.
Snow: I'm not quitting. I'm being practical.
Regina: Since when are you practical?

Snow: I don't want to be Mary Margaret anymore. I want to be Snow White again.
Regina: Well, it's about time.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Hades: What's the problem? Is it the chisel? So unwieldy for the one-handed.

Mila: How did you find me?
Gold: You are standing in the middle of Main Street, so you know.

Gold: Miss Swan, there's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Mila, my ex-wife. And Hook's ex also. She's also Baelfire's mother, of course. Emma knew him as Neal. They had a torrid affair which resulted in a scandalous teenage pregnancy - in prison.
Mila: So you've been with my former lover and my son. Is that right?
Gold: I'm sure we're going to laugh ourselves sick about this one day. I suggest you follow me before this gets even more awkward.

Emma: The way in is here? So the gates to hell are in my house?
Gold: As was the stone of Excalibur. The pirate has a knack for targeting real estate with hidden value.

Mila: He can't kill you if you kill him first.

Cruella: I see you're admiring my fur. Doeskin, of all things. I'm not saying it's Bambi's iconic dead mother and I'm not saying it's not.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Cruella: There is no pen here, just dirt and things that smell like dirt.

Emma: Sit down. Let me take a look at you.
Hook: Are you sure you want to? Hades sort of knocked the handsome out of me.
Emma: No one's that powerful.

Emma: Were you this self-righteous when you were alive?

Henry: Moms!

Regina: Don't argue with your mother. Or your mother.

Liam: You're a demon!
Hades: Technically I'm a god but a lot of people make that mistake.

David: Where's Henry?
Emma: Upstairs going full emo teenager.

David: So what are we thinking about?
Henry: I don't want to talk about it.
David: Okay, let's talk about me.

Henry: Please don't make this a lesson.
David: Too late!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Hades: You, of all people, should know the value of keeping your reasons your own. I don't have to tell you anything
Gold: And you yet you keep doing so. Some might call that the mark of an insecure man.

Belle: Put her down.
Zelena: Or what? You'll smite me with your book learning?

Zelena: Is the devil flirting with me?
Hades: I'm not the devil. People are always conflating us.

Hook: Gripping tale. Snow likes oatmeal. Is my morning breakfast in there too?

Belle: I can't condone you being like this, not again.
Gold: Yes, you can. You just have to choose to.

Zelena: Before we find my daughter, would you do me the courtesy of sharing with me whatever horrid name you've saddled her with? Probably something dreadful like Brittany or Nancy or, gawd, not Marion?

Regina: I used to be just like you.
Zelena: Don't flatter yourself.

Zelena: It's like a broom with wheels!

Dorothy: Do your worst but I will never be afraid of you.
Zelena: I'm not sure where all this backtalk is coming from. What happened to you in Kansas?

Hook: I hate to be the one to offer optimism but sounds like [Zelena]'s sincere.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Zelena: "Before we find my daughter, would you do me the courtesy of sharing with me whatever horrid name you've saddled her with? Probably something dreadful like Brittany or Nancy or... Oh god - not Marian!"

Edited by KingOfHearts
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Hook: This is our new plan to defeat Hades and go home - a bunch of squiggly lines?

Snow: Hopefully this elevator will take us straight to [Hades].
Charming: And maybe with surprise on our side, we can get a shot at him.
Hook: That's a lot of maybes and hopefullys.

Belle: You killed Gaston, my fiance, and never thought to tell me?
Gold: It was an arranged marriage. I was doing you a favor.

Belle: Once again I've let my optimism cloud my judgment.

Regina: I'm glad your reflexes are better than your sense of style.

Snow: Some things are worth it. Love is worth it.

Gold: What Merlin said about a man that can control dark for good - I really want to be that man for you, truly. Just not today.

Gaston: You may destroy me, but you'll always be a beast.
Gold: Well, I'm alright with that.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Mulan: Tell me everything you know about this land.
Ruby: There's supposed to be a lot of singing.
Mulan: Singing?
Ruby: Well, there was in the movie. I saw it in Storybrooke. I think there was a book too.

Cruella: Looks like Chisel Chin Junior will just have to go to bed without what I can imagine are terribly dull bedtime stories.

Zelena: You think I want to be in this emerald tinted dump?
Regina: You trapped Dorothy in an unbreakable curse.
Zelena: I'm sorry if I'm good at what I do.

Regina: Just because you made one bad move - or thirty - doesn't mean you can't make a good one now.

Zelena: Look where I am. Drinking with the bookworm.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Zelena: I don't think my sister and the rest of her terribly self-righteous gaggle of do gooder friends would want to share their home with more death and the wicked witch.

Zelena: So first you pretend to be a caring sister and now you're going to try and be my mother? Don't bother. I already have someone who failed at that job.

Emma: This is where Regina said Robin would meet us.
James: So what do we do now? Rob from the rich and hope he shows up?

Robin: Where's Regina?
Emma: Condensed version - Zelena and Hades are on the verge of being the world's worst power couple.

Cruella: Why is everything in the woods with you people?

Emma: You know, killing us is not going to help you get out of here, Cruella.
Cruella: Oh, you're right. That's just a juicy bonus.

Gold: Came to see a woman about a curse. Pesky sleeping curse which you gave to my wife.
Zelena: If Belle preferred eternal slumber to one more moment with you, that's not my fault. I'd say her judgment's improving.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Regina: I'm trying to trust Zelena. She thinks she can change Hades.
Hook: I'm sorry, have I missed the part where Zelena changed?
Regina: You'd think the ex-pirate with a rum habit would cut my sister some slack.
Hook: Well, you'd think that the evil queen would be smarter than to send the wicked witch to romance the most devious man alive.

Hades: You've been Zelena's doting sister for all of, what? Three hours?

Hook: So we're going to the one place in hell where even the devil is afraid to go.
Zelena: Not hell and not the devil.
Hades: And not because I'm afraid.

[Hades yanks out Emma's heart]
Emma: Let's have this be the last time we do this today.

Emma: So failing this test has fatal consequences?
Hades: One would think.

Henry: Here you go, Stealthy. Your unfinished business.
Stealthy: Oh, wow. I hadn't realized how much resentment I held against Bashful.

Cruella: That's right, vermin. Scatter!

Regina: You forced my hand, kid eater!

Emma: The instructions couldn't be in English?
Hook: "Only a heart filled with true love can pass."
Emma: Seriously?
Hook: You'd be surprised what they teach you in the Royal Navy.

Hook: Why can you only admit how you feel when one of us is facing certain death?

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Snow: You put Sleepy on guard duty?

Hook: You can't kill a dead man.

Hook: Who killed you?
Arthur: No no no no no no!
Hook: Denial, grief, anger. Can we just get to acceptance? Who killed you?

Hook: It's his throne room. Or dungeon, depending on his mood.

Blind witch: I thought you guys would come back soon. I smelled a bromance. Table for two?

Cruella: As appealing as this stubble sandwich is, I'm pretty certain lying to you won't get me what I want.

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Regina: When you're upset, we follow you to hell but when I'm upset, I get a time out.

Henry: Come with me - on a road trip. It's like a quest but on a bus, which is like a horse but with wheels and seats.

Regina: Alright, Sheriff Swan. Where is [Henry]?
Emma: You think after all those times he ran away, I wouldn't put a GPS app on his phone?

Zelena: I'm bloody offended he didn't frisk me.


Hyde: In my experience, if you really don't want to worry about something, you lock it into a cage, a strong cage like this one.

Emma: This is Henry and Violet's song.
Regina: They have a song?
Emma: He really likes her. She's a nice girl.
Regina: You're just saying that because you feel bad about ripping her heart out in Camelot.

Regina: I do good and I hate every moment of it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Zelena: Do you think that's going to work when my magic can't?
Hook: Well, I supposed I could just do nothing but then again, that's your job.

Emma: My parents, Hook, and your sister were pulled into a portal.
Regina: Again?

Emma: What are you doing? We need a plan.
Regina: I have one. I still have a fist. Gold still has a nose.

Gold: My best student was a queen. You have her buried under layers of tasteful cotton and good intentions.

Gold: For better or worse, this is you who are now - guilt-ridden and weak.

Hyde: You're even more disappointing in person.

Jekyll: I told you to run!
David: You risked everything to save us. We had to do the same.
Zelena: To be clear, I was fine running.

Emma: What should we do? Call the police? See how [Gold] does without his powers in real prison?

Gold: Saying you believe doesn't make it so.

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  • 2 months later...

Cruella: I see you're admiring my fur. Doeskin, of all things. I'm not saying it's Bambi's iconic dead mother and I'm not saying it's not.

I didn't even notice this line until I rewatched the scene. ROFL, Cruella is a blessing.

Edited by KingOfHearts
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  • 1 month later...

Snow: How are you doing with that? The whole destroying your evil half thing?

Regina: Something is gnawing at me. Something with red hair and a fondness for pointy hats.

Emma: What do you know?
Hyde: More than you.

Emma: I'm not really in the mood for therapy right now.
Archie: I've found that's usually when people need it the most.

Hyde: Emma, you were a prisoner once. You know how that works. You must know that prisoners respond to carrots and sticks and you've brought neither. Next time try a bottle of shiraz, two glasses.

Emma: You're right. I was in prison. The worst part about it was the loneliness. It sucked - especially for a guy like you who likes to talk so much.

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Zelena: I agreed to a drink, not a private graveyard tour.

EQ: You're worried I'm going to hurt my better half, aren't you?
Zelena: It remains to be seen which half is better.

Henry: Then he vanished. You think he might be the Invisible Man? Or maybe a vampire. What if he's Dracula? Oh, wait, it's daytime.
Snow White: Wrong count. Monte Cristo?
Granny: Sorry, not on the menu. Never a fan of the eggy bread.

Charming: Why didn't you tell us?
Regina: Well, I didn't know he was in Storybrooke. And do you really want to hear about ever time I tried to kill you?
Charming: Yes!

Snow White: Emma, no, we are not leaving town. We are not running from our wine steward!

EQ: So [Snow White and Charming] believed you? I knew their insufferable kindness would be their downfall.

Regina: I had no choice.
EQ: No, that's not true.
Regina: I couldn't just stand by and watch the Count kill my friends.
EQ: Oh, I thought heroes always found a third way. Unless of course this means you're not a hero.

EQ: Regina is quite literally the lesser of two evils.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Quiet and quite aren't the same thing
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hyde: It's hard to try to stay one step ahead of yourself, isn't it, Regina?

Ashley: What about the two of you? Any chance of a fairy tale ending?
Hook: We're taking things slow - quite slow, actually. I'm still sleeping on a cot in a pirate ship near a pregnant woman who likes to snore.

Grumpy: I'm stuck toiling in the mines and Dopey goes off and gets his master's degree. Now I gotta pick up his slack. He's flirting with coeds.
Emma: I thought Dopey was a tree.
Grumpy: No, we got him out weeks ago.

Snow: I just want things to be normal some day.
Charming: What does normal even look like?
Snow: Well, it might sound crazy but for twenty eight years, things were normal.
Charming: When we were cursed?
Snow: There was a down side.

EQ: Stop slouching. Posture is self respect.

EQ: That's the tragic thing about being the savior. You have to keep saving people.

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Archie: It was you. You killed [the Oracle].
EQ: Well if that surprises you, you're not great at reading people. Probably not good for a therapist.

Jasmine: I was a bored princess in a palace full of books. I did some reading.

Snow: We tried a locator spell. It didn't work. Nothing belonged to [Aladdin]. Everything he had he stole.

Zelena: Keep bouncing [Robin]. She likes it. And if you know what's good for you, you'll add some funny faces.

EQ: I spent ten years lying to Henry about who I really was because I thought if he ever saw the real me, I'd be rejected.
Zelena: But isn't that exactly what happened?

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Henry: My pop tarts!
Hook: Hurry back and I'll make us a pirate's breakfast of grapefruit and boiled mackerel. There'll be no scurvy here today.

Aladdin: Emma, this is not what it looks like. This is my new car.
Emma: Oh, really? So you traded in your flying carpet for a Miata.

EQ: Insipid bunch. They really are much too forgiving of each other.
Gold: Forgiveness is a virtue - one I'm not particularly fond of.

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Hook: What is adder’s fork?

Emma: Snake’s tongue. There was some of that in the thing I had to drink to find Aladdin.

Hook: And you kiss me with that mouth?

Edited by Kktjones
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Belle: He is supposed to be the best thief in town.
Aladdin: The best thief in any town, just to be clear.

Zelena: Like most acts of idiotic heroism, it failed.

Gold: I never thought I'd see you in a pantsuit, your majesty.

Henry: Nice try, but you can't Darth Vader me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Aladdin: Appletini? Really? Isn't that a bit on the nose even for you?
EQ: I like what I like. 

Regina: You're so old!

Aladdin: Your wish is my command, especially if it's going to hurt [the Evil Queen].

EQ: This town is almost tolerable - when the peasantry is hidden away.

Regina: Singing Princess Emma isn't my favorite model.

Rumple: Off to raze some fake villages.

Hook: Now go kiss your damn wife.

Leroy: Big trouble, team. Big trouble!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 2 months later...

Pinocchio: A sword, princess? The Emma I knew was far more interested in fancy dresses and high tea.
Emma: Where I come from, I'm not a princess. I'm the savior.
Pinocchio: Interesting jobs in your world.

Regina: You're Robin Hood! Think of all the people you've helped.
Robin: Robin Hood? No, I'm Robin of Locksley and I'm a thief.
Regina: A thief who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.
Robin: Gives to the poor? Why the hell would I do that?
Regina: Wait, so you're telling me you're just a common thief?
Robin: I am not a common anything.

Belle: Rumple's out there right now looking for [Gideon].
Hook: To stop him or aid him?

Robin: So you're telling me I"m living in a fake world that's created by the wish of a princess who's not fake.
Regina: Well, it wasn't her wish exactly, but yes.
Robin: And in this world, I'm some kind of folk hero and the evil queen cared for me.
[Regina nods]
Robin: Hmm, I have to say I did pretty well for myself.
Regina: That's it? You just believe me?
Robin: Do I believe that there's some other world where I'm living a completely different life, which, by the looks of things, is a hell of a lot better than this one, yes, indeed, I don't mind believing that at all.

Robin: It's a little known fact that I'm not just the world's greatest thief.

Emma: I really need to get home and get someone off the rum. And the dessert.

Emma: We're going to switch to water.
Hook: What? For drinking?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Rumpelstiltskin: David and James, such strong names but yet such weak lungs.

Regina: You're up.
Robin: It's hard to sleep when that demon box keeps screaming at me.

Hook: I'm worried that [David] still sees me as what I used to be.
Archie: A pirate?
Hook: Well, technically I'm still a pirate.

Regina: I need you to promise that you'll stop running away and trying to kill people.
Robin: Alright.

Hook: You really have no qualms about stealing from your own daughter?
David: What is with you today? You spend your whole life a thieving pirate and the one time I need you to be that guy, you get cold feet.
Hook: Perhaps I'm trying not to be that guy anymore.

Rumpelstiltskin: What would you offer me for this little feat of magic?
Robert: I have nothing to offer.
Rumpelstiltskin: Not much of a negotiator, are you?

Regina: Were you really going to kill Nottingham?
Robin: You're not judging me for that, are you? You told me it was your curse that created this place. Bloody hell, look around. What's in these?
Regina: Uh, the hearts of my enemies.

David: "Turn counterclockwise." Do you think they mean the beaker or do we have to turn?
Hook: It's better to be safe.

King George: A conscience must be a terrible thing.

George: A visitor. To what do I owe the pleasure?
David: You killed my father.
George: Well, technically, I merely ordered him killed.

Emma: I'm making my specialty - microwave popcorn with Milk Duds mixed in to get all melty.

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EQ: Pixie dust doesn't dictate what I do.

Robin 2.0: How about that? Somebody in this godforsaken town I actually have something in common with.
EQ: I beg your pardon! I'm a queen, not some burlap loving peasant who sleeps in dirt.
Robin 2.0: Excuse me, I sleep on hay which is on dirt, but there's separation.

EQ: Please stop asking questions and dig.
Robin 2.0: Couldn't you use magic to dig this hole?
EQ: Yes, but what would be the fun in that?

Hook: You have me two good pieces of advice and I took neither.

Robin 2.0: If you're going to kidnap me again, may I humbly request that you let me finish my ale first?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Aladdin: Are we done searching yet?
Jasmine: You can ask the same question a hundred times and you will get the same answer.

Aladdin: In case you've forgotten, we can't swim.
Jasmine: I'm not sure if that's fear talking or laziness.

Emma: It is not busy work. It's necessary. And it beats chasing down dwarves.
David: Debatable.

David: Really? You think half price liquor is the way to go?
Regina: I certainly do.

Snow: Have you tried these drinks? They're artisanal which I think means strong.

Emma: Hook left. It sucks.
Regina: How do you feel?
Emma: Like it sucks.

Snow: HEY! They're leaving without paying!
Regina: Do you ever not tattle?

Hook: I did not expect to find Jafar in an off season tiki bar.

Jasmine: Who needs this many corkscrews?
Hook: Well, a broken cork can be tragic when it's really jammed in there.

Jasmine: Ariel!
Ariel: Jasmine! Hook!
Hook: Ariel!

Jasmine: If you miss another chance with him, you'll regret it forever.
Ariel: That sounds like the voice of bitter experience.

Hook: A shell phone?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Emma: Your son has a death which, he messes with me one more time, I'm happy to fulfill.
Snow: And I'm happy to help. We've been looking for some mother daughter bonding.

Belle: Emma, please don't hurt Gideon. He was not born evil. She made him this way. If you help him, he will be on the side of good. I'm certain.

Hook: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Actually, I did.

Blackbeard: Agrabah? Sailing the high seas in a desert. You really have sunk to a new low.

Hook: What's a pirate without a ship?
Blackbeard: Are you trying to antagonize me?
Hook: Yes, I am.

Isaac: You've had me locked up for how long now? And what did I really do to you that was so bad?
Regina: Tried to kill us.

Blackbeard: Don't you know how to use a magic bean? You think of the place you want to go and it takes you there. It's quite simple.

Emma: I know you want to believe the best in [Gideon], but it's like you said. Evil is not born. It is made. And that's exactly what the black fairy did to him.
Gold: Careful with your accusations, Miss Swan. Need I remind you I saved your life tonight?
Emma: Because your son tried to kill me - AGAIN.
Gold: He needs help.
Emma: You can't keep cleaning up his messes, Gold. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.
Gold: Are you threatening my child?
Emma: I don't have a choice. He's tried to kill me twice. I'm not going to give him a third chance.

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  • 5 weeks later...

[Hook and David look at Hook's white wedding suit]
David: What's wrong? Wishing they had something with a bit more leather?

Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, dearie. Do you think the Dark One sings? I'd rather gauge my eyes out with a rusty fork.

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