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Quotes: "Do I Look Like a One-Handed Pirate with a Pistol?"

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Emma: We're relying on mirror dust and fairies but at least we have a plan.


Kristoff: Oh, so my choices are evil wizard or pirate.

Anna: Pirates are better than wizards.

Kristoff: Says who?

Anna: You can pay off pirates!


Regina: Look at this mess! A good mayor checks that these things are kept up to code.

Mary Margaret: Yeah, well, if the mayor only has to worry about one villain and it's HERSELF, that frees up a lot of time for infrastructure.


Regina: It'll be sundown before you munchkins finish.

Leroy: Dwarfs, sister.


Anna: [to Hans] I can't believe I sang with you!


Regina: I should know better than to trust blondes by now.


Regina: Time for a hope speech? Virtues of blind faith?

Mary Margaret: Well it seems like Elsa's blind faith is what's screwing us right now.

Regina: Coming from you, that's just terrifying.


Hans: You're what they call penniless but that doesn't matter because where you're going, you don't need money.

Anna: And where's that?

Hans: Death.

Kristoff: I'm not sure that's a place.


Kristoff: There's a trunk? How will the bones mingle if there's a trunk?


David: Kristoff!

Kristoff: David!

David: You cut your hair!

Kristoff: So did you!

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Emma: It's going to be alright. Remember? I'm the savior.

Anna: Is that like a real job here?


Mary Margaret: At least I know how to swaddle our child correctly.

David: I swaddled him perfectly.

Mary Margaret: He's a baby, not a breakfast burrito.


David: Shut it, ice man.

Kristoff: Ice man? Who you calling ice man, stable boy?

David: I'm call you ice man. And you're from Arendale. What are you doing selling ice? The whole place is frozen!

Kristoff: Ice is a very important commodity!

Mary Margaret: You know what, Swiss Miss? You do know me. I pick flowers. I talk to birds. I do all kinds of warm fuzzy things. And you know what else? I kill. Yeah, that's right. Snow White's a murderer. I killed the evil queen's mommy and i said I was sorry and I didn't mean it.


Elsa: Emma, you're a bit prickly but you're certainly not hateable.

Emma: Tell that to Regina. I'm prickly?


Emma: Whoa, little late for Halloween. How do you walk in that thing?

Regina: With the poise and composure of a queen.


Henry: There's no way I'm going anywhere with a dirty pirate.

Hook: Dirty? I bathe quite frequently, thank you very much.


Regina: Shut up! You both deserve to die. Not just for what you did, but for your whining.


David: Careful! The stroller's not under warranty anymore!

Mary Margaret: You said you bought it new!

David: It was gently used!


Mary Margaret: You said no magic!

Regina: And you said you could keep a secret!


Hook: Henry got away.

Gold: So you failed at kidnapping a child?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Belle: How was your trip to Camelot?

Rumpelstiltskin: Good for me, not so good for Camelot.


Henry: This book It's got all your stories in it. It started all this. And my mom - lots of bad things happened to her in it.


Regina: I'm not in the mood for a hope speech, Emma.

Emma: You're mistaking me for my mother. Besides, you don't need a speech. You need a drinking buddy. Shots?

Regina: Sure. Why not?

Emma: You know you did the right thing today.

Regina: There it is. A hope speech. I thought we were drinking.

Emma: It's not a speech. It's a compliment.

Regina: Well, I don't need your validation. I know I did the right thing. I know because I'm miserable. Again.

Emma: Well, if it makes you feel any better, so is Gold.

Regina: It does!



Gold: Let's call him The Author.

Ursula: Pretentious. I hate him already.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 3 weeks later...

From Pilot:

Because I found it hilarious,

Charming: I've sent my men into the forest...The animals are abuzz with the Queen's plan.

Because apparently everyone can talk to deer and birds. I'm really glad it's just Snow.


Snow: there's no point, the future is written.

I don't think a&e have this all planned out because they don't. But they can easily suggest they've had everything planned from the get go due to that one line.

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  • 2 months later...

Emma: Whoa, beware of lurking pirates. What are you doing?

Hook: Just thinking.

Emma: Lurking AND brooding. That's a classic combo. Let's go. It's a party. We should buckle some swash.


Regina: I supposed we should go and see what's killing property values this time.


Belle: Once something's freed it can never be retrapped.


Hook: Surely the savior and evil queen can defeat a simple hell beast.

Regina: Can we drop the E word already?


Gold: The number's all cued up. All you have to do is press the call button.

Ursula: I know how a phone works.


Emma: Regina, who is it?

Regina: The sea bitch.

Ursula: I've missed you too. How are you?

Regina: Mostly wondering how a plate of undercooked calamari ended up with the dark one's cell phone.


Emma: Regina, we're not sure it's after you.

Regina: Of course it's after me. Ursula said it devours the heart with the darkest potential and now that Gold's gone, well, who else could that be? Is there a dwarf named Evil-y? It's me!

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Belle: Once something's freed it can never be retrapped.

I thought Emma's followup line was hilarious: Great, so our best defense against a magical beast follows the same rules as the chicken pox?

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Henry: Make sure to get chocolate frosted donuts, not chocolate donuts.


Regina: If you bring up my former sins around my son again, you'll find yourselves across that town line faster than you can say costume jewelry.

Cruella: These are blood diamonds, I'll have you know.


Regina: Those two might be tactless morons but they couldn't magic their way out of a paper bag.


Belle: Why are you here? Have you come to kidnap me again?

Cruella: Oh, did we do that? Oh, they all blur together.


Regina: Will you shut up and just let me finish? I'm trying to apologize.

Marco: Well, go on. You're off to an interesting start.


Maleficent: Come, ladies. It seems we'll have to find another way to evade Regina's dark curse.

Ursula: Can I choke [snow and Charming] first? My tentacles are bored.


Regina: I should have known fish sticks and pound puppy were here for more than a second chance.

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Regina: [Maleficent] can turn into-

Rumpelstiltskin: A fire breathing dragon. Yes, yes, yes.  A bit showy if you ask me.


Regina: I said we needed to meet covertly. Now I see you've brought the entire Charming softball team and their pirate mascot.


Regina: This is Marco's house, the town handyman. The only magical object you'll find here is duct tape.


Maleficent: We needed some place out of the way to hang our headdresses and hide our kidnapped puppets.

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Belle: And how do I know that you're really Killian?
Hook: Oh, NOW you decide to question my identity.


Will Scarlett: That your ship, is it? Bit small, innit?

Hook: Careful, mate. It's unwise to insult the size of a pirate's ship.


Ursula: Never go up against a woman with eight hands, especially when you only have one.


Ursula: How are you still breathing?

Hook: I'm good at surviving. Or you're bad at killing.

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Hook: How was he? The wooden man child.


Hook: Why would I be jealous? Though I do know you're partial to men in leather jackets.


Peddler: It's colder than a witch's [looks at Snow]...foot.


Cruella: If I'd known it was this cold, I would have grabbed two more puppies and made mittens.


Cruella: I say we just slit [Regina]'s throat right now and get it over with.

Gold: No.

Cruella: Well if it's too messy for you, darling, Mal can incinerate her.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Author: I need to go.

Gold: Yes, you do. Or you could come with me.

Author: Why would I do that? You're quite possibly the biggest pain in the ass I have ever had the displeasure of writing about.

Gold: Yes, there is that.


Nottingham: Poor old Marian here will have no arms to hold her but mine.

Robin: She'd never be with you.

Marian: I can speak for myself. I'd never be with you.


Rumpelstiltskin: I need you to go to break into the vault and steal the elixir of the wounded heart.

Robin: It's a ridiculously self-explanatory name.


Robin: "The Wizard of Oak"?

Gold: Apparently being great and powerful did not mean witty.


Gold: It's not working. Why isn't it working?

Zulena as Marion: Because it's not real magic. I tried to convince Robin to let you die but he wouldn't listen to reason. So here I am.

Gold: You switched the vials.

ZaM: I did. The one you drank won't cure your heart but it will lessen the effects of seven cold and flu symptoms. Don't worry. It's non-drowsy.

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Cruella: Good thing I had the brakes serviced, darling. I do hate getting blood on the car.


Mal: My daughter, Lily. You told me she didn't survive the trip to this world. You lied.

Cruella: Perhaps I did. But there's an explanation, of course. You see, um, I'm a really terrible person and I left her in the woods to die.


Cruella: People always underestimate a girl in diamonds and furs, don't they?


Belle: You know what the problem is though? Will is just such a better kisser than you are.


Cruella: Enjoy the upper hand while it's still on your wrist.


Cruella: Hello, darlings. As you can see, I have your dreadful son.


Isaac: The joy of getting lost in a good book just isn't the same, not after it happens to you literally.


Gold: A person obsessed with vengeance is easy to manipulate.


Regina: Time to get our hands dirty and do whatever it takes to get [Henry] back.

David: You aren't actually considering Cruella's demand to kill the author.

Regina: Of course not. Even if we could find him, it wouldn't be half the fun of killing Cruella. Let's see how she likes being made into outerwear.

Mary Margaret: Regina!

Regina: What? It's Emma's heart we're trying to protect, not mine.


Regina: You're acting like a petulant child. Your parents did a bad thing, they apologized, now get over it.

Emma: Forgive me if I don't take advice from the woman who held a grudge for half her life because a ten year old spilled a secret.


Cruella: Blasted birds. I'll show you what angry looks like.

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Regina: Ain't fate a bitch?


Regina: Why did I go through the trouble of creating Storybrooke when I could have cursed everyone to live here?


Will: If you've come here to hurt me, you best get on with it. But I'll warn you - I'm scrappy.


Emma: Every time I let Lily in, she rips apart my life. Now she's going after my parents. I have to stop her.

Regina: You will but you can't go in with a head of steam. You'll end up doing something you regret.

Emma: Really? Tell me, your majesty, what are your plans for Zelena? A nice chat over tea?

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Isaac: What is this?

Gold: It's a bagel.

Isaac: Is it?


Hook: Did you hear?

Gold: This is why I hate this place.


Regina: Right upstairs our own OB Dr. Whale gives the finest care this side of the fictional Alps.


Isaac: You've always been a favorite of mine. Very clear goals plus totally damaged personality with a self-destructive streak? A recipe for compelling. And of all the characters I've written for, you really do get screwed over the most.

Regina: I'm well aware.


Maleficent: We can be happy in the future or we can be angry about the past.

Lily: Let's do both!


Lily: I don't need grooming advice from Annie Hall.


Emma: What am I looking at?

Hook: The horizon.

Emma: Is it doing something?

Hook: I just thought you might find it calming.

Emma: It is. So is rum.


Emma: We talked about this

Hook: I talked, you walked away.


Cora: The only one standing in the way of your happiness is you.

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Cora Mills, Unlikely Voice Of Reason.


Cruella: "I suppose that's better than blaming it on bad judgement and gin."


Ariel: "Maybe that's because villains always go about getting them the wrong way."


Geppetto: "After ruining everyone else's happy ending, what makes you think you deserve one of your own?"


It seems the secondary characters tend to speak the words of wisdom on this show.

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Gold: What does your ending look like? Castle? Treasure? Power?

Isaac: Haha, in the enchanted forest? Do you think I like dysentery and a forty year life expectancy? No, that's your world. I like room service and indoor plumbing.


Isaac: Let me tell you about this place. It's cold, there's no running water, and things are always trying to kill you.


Isaac: I'm on your side.

Snow: Technically you're at my feet.

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Adam & Eddy Isaac: "Someone once told me I don't tell stories people want. But I say, write what you're passionate about. That's what matters most. "Heroes and Villains" is close to my heart. It's been a passion project for longer than you would believe. I wrote it because I think folks are sick of heroes getting everything in these classic fairy tales. Hence, the radically different endings for Snow White, Prince Charming, and all the rest... something different for a modern audience. What happens when villains win the day?"


Holy meta, Batman! I don't tell stories people want... Kind of like 4B? It's been a passion project for longer than you would believe... How long did Adam & Eddy bounce around the idea of Once before they got it to happen? What happens when villains win the day? Kind of like their thesis statement for Once: "What happens when Regina casts a curse that allows her to finally get a happy ending?"


Edit: I forgot the most meta line of all!


Isaac: "I should have remembered. I wrote the book."

Edited by Curio
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It's things like that that make me glad that Isaac wasn't killed off.  Let him continue to be the writers' stand-in in Season 5 so we can see just how (un) self-aware and delusional the writers really are.

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(for reference, from the finale of season 4)


The Apprentice: Long before... Your stories began... The sorcerer battled the darkness. He was able to keep it from consuming the realms. He tethered it to a human soul that could be controlled with a dagger.

Emma: The Dark One.

The Apprentice: The sorcerer is the only one with the power to destroy the darkness once and for all before it destroys everything.

Emma: Where is he? Who is he?

The Apprentice: He's far, far from here. Find him. His name is... Merlin. You must... Stop... The darkness. Find... Merlin.

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  • 1 month later...


Emma: Tell me you're not scarred for life.

Henry: I'm not. Well, not by this.


Regina: I thought I might find you here. With a drink. And my son.


Regina: You didn't pick a great friend in Mr. Gold. But he does make a superlative enemy.

Edited by bettername2come
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  • 2 months later...

Regina: Put that thing down before you hurt yourself, guyliner.


Emma: I will never embrace the darkness.

Rumpelstiltskin: Ahhh, they all say that!


Hook: How's this for irony? You've done too much good.


Rumpelstiltskin: You need a hobby, something to take your mind off all the terrible things you're going to do. Do you like knitting?


Hook: So what's the plan now? How do we get to [Zelena]? The old wookie prisoner gag?


Leroy: We're not turning our back on you now, not even in the face of certain death.

Snow: Thank you.

Happy: Certain?

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Sir Kay: *dies*

Lancelot: *gestures at Arthur* Your turn.

Honestly one of the funniest lines this show has had, with great delively by SW. Because, you know, you don't need to resort to "snarky" insults about someone's weight/smell/handicap/clothes to write something funny. Cleverness is underrated and snarkiness is overrated.

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Grumpy: Snow Queen, Pan, trio of terror - we can handle villains like that.


Grumpy: We can't just leave [Dopey] there to starve.

Happy: What do trees eat?

Grumpy: Sunlight?

Happy: [Dopey] liked tacos.

Grumpy: Yeah? How the hell are we going to give a tree tacos?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Regina: You already had a second chance. And a SECOND second chance!


Arthur: I wished [Lancelot] to be happy, just not with my wife.


Hook: I know that look. Button on the top turns it off.


Robin: It's a picture from up inside Zelena.

Hook: Whoa, mate.


David: Take over! Feet is speed. Direction is hands.


Arthur: The word quest means to seek, not to find. It's the seeking that matters.

David: Do you believe that?

Arthur:  Not really, no.

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Snow: So that's what this is about. You haven't met a king in a while and you're starstruck.


Arthur: What put [snow] off me? It's the beard, isn't it?


Hook: How did you turn up such a refuge, lad?

Henry: Well...there's this girl.

Hook: Is there indeed?


Robin: You're going to wear out the masonry if you keep pacing. I'm sure David and Mary Margaret are fine.

Regina: You think I'm worried about them? Those two can out live a cockroach. I want to know how their test went. I get antsy when I don't know who I should hate.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Mary: We trust [Arthur].

David: Implicitly.

Regina: Did you learn those big words at shepherd school?


Merida: All a man needs is a sword and one good hand. You've got both.


Henry: Uh, hi, moms.


Regina: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but [Excalibur] could be booby-trapped. You could get killed.

Hook: I didn't know you cared.

Regina: I don't. But right now you're useful. Ish.


Regina: If I'm the one on the moral high ground, you've fallen quite a way, Miss Swan.


Emma: I didn't have a choice.
Regina: There's always a choice. You said that to me a thousand times.

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Merlin: Aren't you the clever one?

Belle: Glad someone noticed.


Merida: I don't mean to hurt you.

Belle: Tell that to the bump on my head.


Merida: I'm a hit first, ask questions later kind of lass.

Belle: Is that why the clans kidnapped your brothers?


Merida: Would you give up everything you have ever dreamed of just because a man said you didn't deserve it?


Zelena: Is that a kick, my little munchkin?


Nurse: I'm under strict orders from the mayor to only feed you local organically grown produce.


Zelena: So the dark one's here to make a deal. How dreadfully unoriginal.


Zelena: I killed Neal. Ready to kiss and make up?


Regina: I don't believe this. We're getting Merlin's voicemail?

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Hook: You're willing to send us behind enemy minds but when it comes to specifics, everything's a little fuzzy, innit?

David: Hook, Merlin's helping Emma.

Hook: Is he? She's sitting out there right now making things that pull memories out of people's heads because that's what she does now instead of sleeping.


Merlin: Not all wizards have long white beards.


Emma: We go get this spark thing and then I'm working my way back to you, babe.

Hook: I know when you're quoting something.

Emma: And I love that you never know what it is.


Hook: At the very least [the ring]'s a reminder that you've got a piercing eyed smoldering pirate here who loves you.


Zelena: You need to sneak in so quietly, no one knows you're there.

David: Hang glider? Giant sling shot?

Zelena: If Sir Castic would let me speak, I'd tell you that I wasn't idle during those days in [the castle] playing mute handmaiden at Regina's side. I was plotting an escape.

Regina: I knew it!


Zelena: It's a tunnel, abandoned for years. It'll take you to the courtyard.

Hook: Well, if it's so good, why didn't you escape through it?

Zelena: Observe the massive metal grate. See, without magic, I'm a delicate thing.


Mary Margaret: I guess the sun's a problem for you now that you're not green.


Regina: Mary Margaret, how do you feel about guard duty?

Mary Margaret: Oh, I'd be delighted. We'll chat, share pregnancy tips.

Zelena: Good lord, this is worse than being in my cell.


Emma: Is it safe?

Merlin: Of course not.


Regina: Tell your timbers to stop shivering, pirate.


Zelena: You know, if you treated me fairly for once, maybe I wouldn't turn on you.

Hook: Yes, you would.

Zelena: But I'd enjoy it less.


Zelena: Artie might have a shorter sword than a man might like.


Merlin: This isn't the man you were supposed to be.

Arthur: I am exactly what you made me. Look at the half man with his half sword solving riddles from a tree.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Arthur: Seems you brought a hook to a swordfight.

Hook: Actually I brought a sword but I seem to have misplaced it.


Emma: So I'm just supposed to give up without a fight?
Merlin: Acceptance is a form of strength.


Robin: You have to stay calm and breathe.

Zelena: Shut up! I was a fake midwife. I know the drill.


Zelena: When the dark one offers you onion rings, don't eat them!


Whale: You know, the last time I delivered a baby, you tried to steal it. But why try to steal one when making one is so much more fun?


Regina: What's with the dye job?

Whale: So Emma changes her hair and no one makes a fuss but I get ridiculed? Come on, you know you like it.


Zelena: Didn't I kill you the last time I was here?

Whale: No, you just threw me across the room.


Henry: You punched [Arthur]? Awesome.

Hook: Gave him a left hook if you know what I mean.


Regina: This is not the way, Miss Swan.

Emma: We're back to "Miss Swan"?
Regina: Start acting like Emma again and we'll talk.


Arthur: [Merida] was a prisoner in my dungeon.

Zelena: And you let her go? No wonder you only had half a sword.

Arthur: I didn't let her go. She escaped.

Zelena: Is that supposed to make me feel better?


Red: I might not be the best person to ask for dating advice. I kind of ate the only boyfriend I ever had.

Mulan: Yes, I think that disqualifies you.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hook: Why must dark ones dress like monks?

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, much better. I went leather as well.


Rumpelstiltskin: She's still a dark one. no matter how ineffectual she may be.


Zelena: Sister dear, thank you so much for looking after my bundle of joy while I was off being kidnapped.


Regina: The only reason you have that baby is because you killed Marion and you deceived Robin in the most vile way imaginable.

Zelena: Is that a compliment?


Gold: Here's the thing about confidence, Miss Swan. It's great at starting a fight, not so great at finishing one.


Rumpelstiltskin: Congratulations! You didn't completely fail.


Hook: Bloody hell.

Rumpelstiltskin: That's exactly where that came from.

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Rumpelstiltskin: Power is only as good as the one who wields it.


Emma: The plan is find Hook before he resurrects all the dark ones. You think dealin gwith one is bad.

Grumpy: There's more than one dark one?!

David: Long story.

Grumpy: Don't matter. There's seven of us.

Six. Dopey's still a tree.


Robin: This is the fastest way to the harbor.

Regina: And you think we'll find Hook just sipping rum by the sea?


Regina: You can't go through with this, Killian.

Hook: "Killian"? No "Captain Guyliner"? No "one handed wonder"? Where are the bon mots tonight?

Regina: I understand you think Emma betrayed you, but do you really think dragging her family to the underworld's the answer?

Hook: This from the woman who enacted the dark curse to punish Snow White for telling a secret. You of all people should know how far someone will go for revenge. And unfortunately for you, so do all the people you've killed who are waiting for you in hell.


Hook: If' I'd known you were going to take this long to do your hair, I'd have brought another goblet of wine.


Zelena: Gina! Robbie! Come on in!

Regina: What do you think you're doing?

Zelena: At the moment, I'm trying to decide what color would look best on your walls. I mean my walls. Kelly, hunter, pistachio. Omigawd, I just realized that all three of those work as baby names!


Emma: You found a loophole and betrayed us all again.

Rumpelstiltskin: It's what I do.


Snow: You're going to hell?

Emma: The underworld.

David: That's quite a distinction.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

Neal: Think of this as a long distance call from an old friend.

Regina: I hate her pasty complexion, her insufferable sincerity, and her puny army of sweaty little child beasts.
Henry: I believe they are dwarves.
Regina: I don't care what they are. They're disgusting.

Regina: You killed him!
Cora: Killed is a relative term down here.

Pan: Aren't you glad to see your dear old father?
Gold: Just because you sired me, that doesn't make you my father.

Gold: Be careful with your threats.
Pan: Or what? You'll kill me again?

Cora: When are you going to get it into your thick head that I do everything for you? Especially the things you can't do - like Snow's heart. How long have you been trying to get it? Because it only took me a day.
Regina: And it only took you an hour to lose it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade
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