Another Dick Joke: Favorite Quotes, Jokes and Scenes

[formerlyfreedom]

Quotes!

[Kromm]

The one joke that REALLY worked for me in the Pilot is the one where the scandalous brother and sister. Frederick and Beatrice, want to "make love", and go to a bedchamber where the camera pulls back and reveals a legion of servants standing behind each of them.  Then plays out ridiculously each of them needing help to get undressed.

[Shibori]

Magnet magnate and coon tie tycoon! (If we get a robber baron themed pun every episode, I'll be happy!)

[possibilities]

I don't want him killed!

 

Then why did you call me?

 

I don't know!

[Kromm]

Some great stuff this episode:

 

1,) Every single thing with Peepers.

 

2.) "We're about to start the black person caricature contest!"

 

3.) "Want some milk?"

 

4.) Beatrice's eulogy through dance for Albert

 

5.)

I don't want him killed!

 

Then why did you call me?

 

I don't know!

Also: "Wanna F@$& on this pile of kids?"

 

A line that shouldn't work, but does.

[amensisterfriend]

The sisters are so gleeful about having "dead" husbands now that Beatrice thinks it would have been awesome if they had been dead "when we married them." 

 

I also find every joke about the clueless aristocratic twits genuinely not understanding that servants are people to be hilarious. 

 

I'm with the poster above who thinks the brother-sister incest stuff is way funnier than it should be, and I'm usually not a huge fan of that kind of thing---I didn't even like the Maeby/George Michael stuff on Arrested Development! 

 

Peepers self-importantly fancying himself such an indispensable part of the family when they view him as such an easily replaceable nonentity is slyly amusing as well. And I loved the scene where Jason Ritter's character (Frederick, right? I'm a disaster with names) introduces himself to this supposed stranger, only to be icily reminded by Peepers that he's been a part of Frederick's life since the clueless guy was first born. 

 

Some of the broader, raunchier stuff isn't really my style, but overall I'm finding this show one of the funniest things I've seen in ages. 

 

And I laugh every time Christina Hendricks even glances at the camera. She's the perfect 'straightman' stand in for the audience while still a fun character and possible semi-villain in her own right. 

Edited July 13, 2015 by amensisterfriend

[Kromm]

"Homosichuan".  That joke REALLY got me laughing my ass off.

[DeLurker]

For better or worse (probably worse) my daughter will periodically announce "MAJESTIC NO MORE!".

[Perfect Xero]

Someday I'm going to get drunk enough and yell this at a dinner party: "If there were a billion people on the planet it would sink into space and explode. I am having a great time! I am the Commodore!"

[Kromm]

"The Wizard of Ahhhhhhs."

 

Heh.

 

Also, "no we police don't help people anymore, we just get mouth jobs and beat up the blacks".  Funny in that sad kind of way that it's more a statement about 2015 than 1902.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Kromm

[DeLurker]

I love this show and the dialogue.  My daughter watches with me and every time someone says "towel" IRL, one of us will say "I'll cherish it forever".  It never fails to crack me up.  "Majestic no more!" and randomly saying "Hore!" loudly also happens.

I'm trying to find a reason to incorporate "caramel urges" into a conversation, but it hasn't happened yet.

I wish I could do Peepers voice, but sadly I can't.  Garfield's is easier so Garfield Speak happens.

[Dorne2.0]

I am in love with this show. Oh and Celery Savoy is on the paper with the Marquis when Lillian talks about the Newport 400. This show is such a rewatch treasure. I'm talking Arrested Development quality here.

Just the first episode. (I'll be editing to add more as I rewatch.)

Victor to the male servant: “I can hear you breathing. Please stop.”

Victor to Blanche after Lillian hit the tray out of her hands and caused the eggs to fly everywhere: Blanche, you idiot, you got egg on my snood.

Albert: And he was going to wear that today.

Victor: I was going to wear that today.

Lilian to Blanche: Now he has to select another snood!

 

Peepers to Celine: Now, some of your duties will include: winding the clock, exercising the swans, bloodletting, ghost removal…

 

Peepers, after yelling at Blanche and causing her to scream out of panic: This is Blanche's first week back from the asylum. Some people think she's dangerous, but the only one she's likely to harm is herself. We have a lot of fun with her.

 

Peepers to Celine/Chair: And this is your room. This is where you'll be living, if you play your cards rights, for the next forty years. Alone.

 

Dodo: Lady Hortense is my eldest daughter, she suffers from a variety of ailments, from photosensitivity to thigh heft. One can only hope she'll live a mercifully short life.

 

*In later episodes after we see Hortense outside we realize she does not have photosensitivity. So I took that to mean Dodo was saying Hortense does not look good in photos.

 

Frederick, after hearing Hore say Hellen Keller is coming: Is she that gal that can't smell?

 

Dodo: Show some compassion Lillian, Hore that's have anything else to live for.

 

Lillian: Whatever Hore, at least our faces are symmetrical.

Beatrice: At least we don't wear face windows.

Lillian: And at least we're not barren.

Lillian, Beatrice and Frederick laugh.

 

Victor: When you put two penises side by side that's called log stacking.

 

Blanche: (…) I have dreams you know, big dreams.

Garfield: No offense Blanche, but I don't think you'd make it as a prostitute.

 

Dodo: Lillian Abigail Hitler Smitherhorn Fish.

 

Lillian: If women can vote, who's next? Horses? Tulips? Beatrice?

 

Peepers: You are to give Lady Bellacourt 10 cc's of morphine exactly.Not a drop more, or God forbid, a drop less. We need to achieve the perfect balance between hallucination and death.

 

Dodo: You have such lovely alabaster skin Chair. I wish I had skin like that. But Great Grand Nono sacked a Morish Village and now I'm Latin.

 

Dodo: Chair, is that Welsh?

Chair: No it's Chair, like a Chair. But my name.

 

Beatrice: I don't get it. Why wouldn't you wanna see. I like seeing.

Hortense: It's not that she doesn't want to see, it is that she can't see.

Beatrice: Well, is she looking through her eyes?

Hortense: Go back to sleep.

 

Marquis de Sainsbury: I'm sorry I'm early, but I like to catch people off guard.

 

I'm the great Marquis de Sainsbury. The arbiter of who's who in Newport Society. Now with all this new money, it's my job to separate the elite from the almost rich vomit people.

 

Marquis de Sainsbury (after seeing Frederick kiss Beatrice): You heathens! What is this, Baltimore?

 

Frederick: Oh Garfield, sometimes I feel as though I have nothing. I can't be with the woman I love. I have no career. I have absolutely nothing to do all day except eat, take naps, hunt, relax, play sporting games, do all the leisurely activities that please me. Can you imagine not being able to follow your dreams?

Edited to add:

First, some of my favorites from season 2:

 

It's very important for the Church to control women's bodies.

 

Charles Darwin! Charlie Darwin is burning in hell right now for all the things he said, and you will too unless you join our .... religion of love.

Episode 2:

Victor is having sex with Lillian while sucking a male servant fingers.

After it is over, Lillian turns around and sees the servant.

 

Lillian: How did he get on the bed?

Victor: I'm so surprised he's here. What? You're fired. Don't you come in when I'm making love to my wife!

 

 

Chair: Thanks for my job again, my handsome Walrus.

Commodore: You are welcome. Nothing brings me as much pleasure as helping out pathetic gutter wenches.

 

Dodo: Afternoons are for defecating and learning latin.

 

Beatrice: Frederick will never get married. All the women Mother's brought have either left or “had accidents”.

 

Already mentioned: Coon Tie Tycoon. He made a fortune designing raccoon skin neckties!

 

Frederick: But we have infinite money.

Dodo: Yes, and if you add Pussy's money to it we'll have double infinite money.

Beatrice: But Mother, infinity can't be double as its very nature is to be boundlessness.

Frederick: It frightens me when you act all smart like that.

Beatrice points at the sun: Look, the day moon!

 

Beatrice about Frederick: He only likes women his own age, like exactly his own age.

 

Mitchel P. Spiritwalker, the whole family has traveled a great distance, through many storms and with much difficulty to see you again, younger brother. On behalf of all of us, I say hello.

 

Peepers: Wrong door.

 

Lillian: Can you make my neckline lower? My husband is dead, not my tits.

 

Peepers about the six-hour fire ceremony for his father's ritual funeral: Do you think we could compress it down to about fifteen minutes. There's a lot of unnecessary fire in that ceremony.

 

Lilian: Thank you for coming on such short notice.

Man: Speaking of short, no tits.

Lillian: I literally have no behavioral standards at all.

 

Lillian about her eight childbirths apparently by c-sections: Tight as a Jew's wallet down there.

 

Hamish: Oh, bet he doesn't have a tolerance to this, huh? Show big knife.

 

Maybe he went to who-gives-a-shit land. Wanna fuck on this pile of kids?

 

Episodes 3 and 4:

Majestic no more.

 

Dodo: In my day a woman was judged only on her fertility, silence, and threshold for pain.

 

Never had a white man die on my watch.

 

Chair: How much feces can these people produce?

Hamish: Whatever amount keeps you gainfully employed.

Chair: How far is the ocean?

Hamish: I'm no mapmaker, I don't stops walking until the seawater in om my nose.

 

“Seemed to be a crowd pleaser but we do need to be sensitive to all the white races."

 

"Snow Negro."

 

Lillian: Today is my birthday, I love September 11.

 

Peepers: Ever since Lillian first began her womanly bleeding, her birthday has been a menagerie of horrors.

 

Lillian while Ponzi fingers her: Oh, I feel like I'm 11 again.

Ponzi: No you don't.

 

Ponzi: I remember when we had to put down our butler.

 

Beatrice explaining why a pyramid scheme doesn't work.

 

Dodo: I'd recognize that breezy tune anywhere. Seems as though someone just got fingered.

 

"You're only pretty in Massachusetts."

 

Lillian: I hear you're not afraid to get your hands dirty.

Hamish: What?

Lillian: I hear you are a deranged criminal.

Hamish: Well, one man's Jew tracker is another man's Jew... (Lillian cuts him off).

 

Peepers: They'll discover the charade immediately. I ... I carry myself like a servant. Look, do you see? The unsightly gait of a common flea. I'm little better than a gypsy. Half a step removed from Mongoloid. 

 

Trotsky: Families should only be murdered during revolution.

Gandhi: 

"No offense, but you sound like you belong to the bitch caste."

"Non-violence. I never thought of that. Because I'm not a little bitch!" (Throws food at Trotsky)

 

Peepers: Do you think our planet can afford one billion people? Of Course not! The planet itself will sink down into space and explode. I'm having a great time. I am the Commodore.

Dodo: Why, Peepers. You look almost human.

Peepers: Madam I assure you I am not.

Beatrice: Wait a minute. You're not Blanche the person, you're Blanche the servant!

 

Lillian's song.

"The bottom one percent of the top one percent is the loneliest place for a girl. But I'm a piece of sand who's gonna irritate the clam until I turn into a pearl".

Blanche: The bottom one percent of the bottom one percent is just fine with me.

 

Commodore: Never again will they say you won't amount to anything Harold Bellawitcz. I mean Bellacourt.

 

After Frederick and Celery's Wedding and Hortense exposing the family's secrets.

Marquis: We are leaving.

Celery: Yes, we are leaving.

Marquis: No, we are leaving. You're perfect for Baltimore.

Blond high-class woman to Celery: You're disgusting

Edited September 9, 2016 by Dorne2.0
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