Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[Lantern7]

3 hours ago, Sweedish Fish said:

Any thought on dicpics?  Lord why?

I can’t do it. Not in the traditional way. “Um, who is this guy in yellow, and why did you send me fifty pictures of him?” “Oh, those are dick pics.” “No, they’re not.” “Yeah. That’s Dick Tracey.” “Okay, I’m gonna see other people now. You tried to be clever and ironic, but I think I would’ve liked an actual dick pic.” “Well, I got my phone and I’m alone.” “Goodbye and good luck.”

[possibilities]

Maybe they think that if you see it first, and you don't like it, they can be spared the humiliation of having you reject it in the room?

I refuse to believe they're actually proud of them, but maybe I'm just too much of a dyke.

[theredhead77]

7 hours ago, Sweedish Fish said:

Any thought on dicpics?  Lord why?

They're never wanted and never ones that you'd want to see. If I want to see a dick there is an ENTIRE INTERNET and Playgirl (is Playgirl still around?)

-----

I matched with this dude in his 20s. I figured what the hell, dudes my age aren't great. His profile was pretty sparce but he was cute and had cute photos. So he messaged me, asking if I read his profile. I said yes, I was wondering why he was interested in older women, was he over "Sunset heart hands" and sent a link to that commercial when he said he didn't know what that was. The response was "I'm not looking for romance, I'm looking for a woman who wants to be put in her place in the bedroom". OOOO so you're a 20something with major mommy issues looking for a woman to take those out on*. BYE!

*This is not a kink shame. I do not care what 2 consenting adults do. It was the way this entire situation played out.

[aradia22]

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Any thought on dicpics?  Lord why?

Instagram guy really wanted to 

A) show me how hard I got him 

B) let me watch his face while he jacked off 

C) flash me

D) send me a dick pic

I do not understand why men think this is appealing. 

[supposebly]

I have no idea. Civilized, this is not. It only reminds me of my 2.5 year old brother who showed me his when he peed when we were at the lake.....These guys never got over the impulse of that age?

[Sweedish Fish]

I've even gotten the 'lower region'.  It's not attractive, guys.

[AgentRXS]

Dick pics are the equivalent of a cat presenting me with a mouse/bug/lizard that they successfully captured/slaughtered: The presenter may be super proud of what they are presenting, but it's gross as fuck to me and my reaction for both is: "Ewww. gross. Get it away from me".

[supposebly]

Well, with a cat, there is work involved.

Also, I can't expect a cat to know better. I do expect from a person not to behave like an animal. For me it's the equivalent of those monkeys presenting their engorged red ass to females.

[Sweeneyswt]

Whatever the intention, I have a hard time imagining anyone sending me that kind of thing (unless we were in a very serious, committed relationship already) wants anything other than just sex. That’s not what I’m looking for. And even if I were, it wouldn’t turn me on.  

[theredhead77]

They're looking for sex or attention. A reaction of disgust is negative attention. There's really no winning in that situation. If you react you're giving them attention. If you un-match without responding you're still reacting. I have been lucky enough to not receive a dick pic thorough a dating app but I'd report it then block.

[emma675]

I had a guy send me a dick pic a few years ago on a dating site. I replied back "is that all?" and he blocked me.  🤣

[possibilities]

You could always send back a photo of a banana, or a giant dildo, or a zucchini, and THEN block.

[aradia22]

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That’s not what I’m looking for. And even if I were, it wouldn’t turn me on.  

Even if I were primarily visual, and I'm not, it would not work for me. These kinds of unsolicited requests, pictures... they're never about you. They aren't actually about making you feel special or desirable. This was very clear in talking to Instagram guy who could not give me a compliment that wasn't about my body or ask me questions about myself even when I made it an explicit issue. It makes you feel sexualized and objectified in the most basic sense, like just a body with one purpose and without thoughts or feelings or needs of your own. 

I don't mind being flirty or even sexual with someone who has the right energy. But I don't need any help feeling bad about myself or not even feeling like a person. 

[supposebly]

I wonder what the reaction would be if one sends back a bigger dick pic. And then block them.

[theredhead77]

Once you block your messages disappear so you'd have to wait for them to block you if you want them to see it.

[theredhead77]

The reaction from half the internet clamoring to see the accidental sharing of a certain celebs private photo is the reason dudes think women like dick pics. 

[aradia22]

New first message 

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Hi you really capture my attention, it would be fun to grab some drinks and stimulating conversation with you...

Something about his profile communicates "does not speak English as a first language." His answers are weird gibberish. Not like hippie spiritualism or self-help nonsense exactly. I don't know. Stuff about "souls" and "energy" and "passion." 

[aradia22]

New first message that's actually nice and sweet and mentions things from my profile but also includes the line "I am super interested in you and can be submissive if we date." 

WHY? IS IT ME?

[aradia22]

Had another hour long phone call with The Conversationalist. It was fine. Very casual. Zero sparks this time.

[JTMacc99]

17 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Had another hour long phone call with The Conversationalist. It was fine. Very casual. Zero sparks this time.

Have you ever met in person? Is there any plan desire to do so, (or do so again?)

[aradia22]

@JTMacc99 No. Our plan is to take a chaste, socially distanced walk in Central Park one day while wearing masks.

[aradia22]

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Nice smile If you were stuck in an elevator and you had a chance to listen to one song, what would be the song?

New first message. On the plus side, people are bored enough in quarantine to be sending first messages again. Or maybe it's just because it's autumn again. On the other hand, still not interested.

[Lantern7]

24 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

New first message. On the plus side, people are bored enough in quarantine to be sending first messages again. Or maybe it's just because it's autumn again. On the other hand, still not interested.

Something about autumn being "cuffing season," which is a term I have never heard. Also: as a guy, am I suppose to be weird with advances like what you've been getting? I just tell prospective matches (I know, bad term from me) about myself, then direct them to my profile. Once in a long while, I comment on a picture. Seriously, if someone is THAT attractive, I shouldn't be all "A-OOGA!!!!" That is what I tell myself.

[Lantern7]

Update: someone responded to a query I posted almost one year ago. She looks great in every possible way for me, and I hope she answers me a lot quicker than the first time.

[theredhead77]

On 10/3/2020 at 1:36 AM, Lantern7 said:

Also: as a guy, am I suppose to be weird with advances like what you've been getting? I just tell prospective matches (I know, bad term from me) about myself, then direct them to my profile. Once in a long while, I comment on a picture.

Have you tried just commenting on a photo and not starting off with your bio?  If they are interested they'll look at your profile to learn more about you, they don't need to be prompted to.

[JTMacc99]

So, as was documented here, I spent some time from 2016 - 2018 attempting to date. Some of it went well. Some of it was disappointing. I met a lot of people, had a lot of conversations, exchanged a lot of phone numbers.  For the most part, when things ended with somebody, it ended amicably, especially if we had more than a couple dates.  

In other words, I never really had a "I'm deleting all traces of this person out of my life" moment.

Cut to yesterday. I'm walking Norman around the block. I've got my headphones in (they're Airpod style hanging in my ears, but another brand that costs 1/5 as much) listening to some talk radio.  I see up ahead of me a mom and a couple young children hanging on the side of the road and clearly looking at Norm. So I pop one headphone into my pocket, but leave the other one in, just in case when I get up to the kids, they say something to me.

Mom says to me, "Is he friendly?" I mean, look at that face. Of course he's friendly, She says that the little blonde girl (the one who wasn't her child)  wants to pet him. I let Norm walk to the end of his leash where he could get some loving from both kids. Which he did. That mom asks a couple questions about the dog. Then the little blonde girl's mom walks up her driveway to join in the conversation about how her daughter has always loved dogs.  (Blah, blah, blah, you get the point.) 

So I figure I should probably turn off the audio still playing in my left ear, so I reach into the pocket and click on the removed headphone which should have just stopped the sound.

Well, it did stop the streaming, but then I start hearing iPhone bleep sounds in my ear, then "SEARCHING", then "Not Found", another beep and then "Facetiming MT."  In my head, "WTF is this phone doing, and who is MT?"  Then...

 

The lesson here is, DELELTE THE CONTACT INFORMATION AFTER YOU'RE DONE DATING SOMEBODY. Because you never know when your phone is going to go rogue.

 

[aradia22]

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Mom says to me, "Is he friendly?" I mean, look at that face. Of course he's friendly, 

Honestly, the best part of the story. Such a good cuddly friend. 

[JTMacc99]

1 minute ago, aradia22 said:

Honestly, the best part of the story. Such a good cuddly friend. 

He's ridiculous. I bring him along with me to anywhere dogs are allowed. So I got to Lowe's to get batteries, I bring Norman. People stop and ask to meet him. Norm just glues himself to them, soaking up the attention. They ask me his name, which almost always gets a "Norman! That's a great name!"

Then a month later, I'm back in that store, and as I walk around I hear somebody go, "Norman!"  Nobody recognizes me, but everybody remembers my dog. He's is becoming a minor celebrity.

 

[JTMacc99]

So two more Norman stories, the second of which is sort of back on topic here.

First, after work last night I brought Norm to PetSmart (we needed cat snacks) and then to Lowe's on the way home to pick up a timer so I don't have to manually turn on and off the basking lamp for the bearded dragon.  We're trotting up towards the registers and one of the cashiers says "Aw! Puppy!  I think I know this dog, what's his name?" So I say, "You probably do, this is Norman." 

She lights up, "Norman! Yes, I went home and told my family about Norman the last time you were here." 🙄

 

Second, I was talking to a friend about how whenever I bring him to the breweries, he just invites himself to sit down next to anybody who smiles at him. I told her that I get a lot of young people, mostly young women, asking if they can take a picture with him.

That's when my friend said, "Norman's probably all over Tinder."

Which: Probably. 

I need to figure out how to monetize this. "Need a cute dog for your dating profile? Norman is available! Personalize him with one of our bandanas! $20, Cash or Venmo."

[aradia22]

@JTMacc99 The dog joke is at 3:09 but it helps to have the context of the whole video

 

[JTMacc99]

@aradia22 Hee! Yes, that's what I imagine is going on right now with my dog. Hopefully none of them are saying he's their dog.

[HerkyJerky]

On 10/7/2020 at 4:07 PM, JTMacc99 said:

Nobody recognizes me, but everybody remembers my dog

The same thing happens to me!  I have a dachshund named Tony and I get bored walking him around the same old places.  So the other day I'm walking him in a park MILES from my home and somebody yells over to me, "Hey, there's Tony!"  It's giving me a complex.  LOL!

[aradia22]

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Based off of my profile are you interested in a friendship?

New first message. I was curious so I skimmed his profile. It's fully insane and definitely has misogynistic-leaning fuckboi vibes. 

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I'm An Equalist And I Believe In Equalism 🤷🏾 Just Because I Like Your Profile Doesn't Mean I Want To Be Your Man Or Fuck You ...Theirs Something Called "FRIENDSHIP" For Whoever Delusional Daughter That Needed To Hear That📢👂🏽

He really wants to convince people that he's looking for friends but he also spends his profile berating you (the person reading). Wild.

Quote

Im On Here For Intellectual Conversations With Open Minded People Who Hasn't Been Programmed To Think A Certain Way Because Of Society 👌🏾👌🏾🧠(PLATONIC FRIENDSHIPS)

You're Looking For THE BEST MALE FRIEND YOU EVER HAD (Who Will Always Be 10000% With You) Someone To Talk To When You're Feeling Down or Going Through Something / Someone Who's Going To Give You The Best Advice And Won't Want Nothing In Return But Your Honesty 💯 Someone Who Is Always Tryna Make You Laugh And Bring Good Vibes! But MOST IMPORTANT SOMEONE WHO GOAL IS TO MAKE YOU THE BEST VERSION OF YOU 🙌👌🏾..And If We Vibe Well Enough I Could Be Your Male Bestie 👌🏾

 

[theredhead77]

That's gotta be straight out of the red pill guide "how to be a nice guy" guide on Reddit.

[supposebly]

Maybe someone should tell him NOT  TO YELL! 

15 hours ago, aradia22 said:

THE BEST MALE FRIEND YOU EVER HAD (Who Will Always Be 10000% With You)

This seems especially threatening.

[Lantern7]

1 hour ago, supposebly said:

Maybe someone should tell him NOT  TO YELL!

If I use caps, I usually add "Well, I can't use bold" or "Honestly, I don't use caps that often, but I felt the need to emphasize."

That response look like something written by a bot. I don't know what is sadder: that a real person wrote that, or that he probably gets more interaction with women than me. #OhSoBitter

[theredhead77]

I would hope the interaction he gets from women is them telling him to fuck off. 

1 hour ago, supposebly said:

This seems especially threatening.

Super threatening. If that's how this person is on an app how insane is he in private?

Reading between the lines "I'll be the best male friend you've ever had (and you'll fall in love with me, damnit). I'll make you laugh and we'll have a great time being just!friends! (And when you don't love me I'll turn on a dime and harrass you until you block me from your life then tell everyone what a bitch you are)

[aradia22]

Another phone call with The Conversationalist today. I was doing laundry in the middle of it but it ended up being around 3 hours total with a 2-3 breaks. So almost as long as my normal in person dates. I don't know if it was the mood I was in or because I told him I appreciate when someone doesn't try to lie and be agreeable but I feel like we got somewhere a little bit more real today. I still don't know if we're actually compatible or if there are any sparks but that, combined with him asking me questions about dating and what I'm looking for, opened the door to me being a little more flirty. It wasn't like anything crazy but I did tell him that if our socially distanced dates go well, I'd be open to him coming over. It's not like I plan to only write and have phone calls forever if we continue to be stuck in quarantine. As long as we're safe about it, I would see him in person without a mask if we were actually going to pursue a relationship. And I do think that sort of talk changed up the dynamic a little bit so it's not entirely just two strangers having a friendly, polite chat. There's still nothing romantic happening but at least the door is open to romance and we're not so firmly in the friend zone.

 

Edited November 1, 2020 by aradia22

[aradia22]

The Conversationalist asked me out for our walk date on Saturday. We've discussed it as a vague thing for a while now but he's trying to establish actual plans now. This is good. He's interested. But after our phone call we exchanged a few of our long back and forth messages. Not a ton. Maybe two on each side or something. And I just got a vibe... and I'm not that into it anymore. I do think it's worth at least going on one date after talking this long. But I just don't feel enthusiastic at this moment in time after getting a little put off by his last message or two. It was nothing overtly terrible. I'm just not really feeling him, especially right now. 

[theredhead77]

On 11/10/2020 at 12:40 AM, aradia22 said:

The Conversationalist asked me out for our walk date on Saturday. We've discussed it as a vague thing for a while now but he's trying to establish actual plans now. This is good. He's interested. But after our phone call we exchanged a few of our long back and forth messages. Not a ton. Maybe two on each side or something. And I just got a vibe... and I'm not that into it anymore. I do think it's worth at least going on one date after talking this long. But I just don't feel enthusiastic at this moment in time after getting a little put off by his last message or two. It was nothing overtly terrible. I'm just not really feeling him, especially right now. 

I always feel the longer it takes to go from text/phone to in person the less likely things are to progress past whatever that phase was. There's a comfort level that's formed with the distance that is hard to break out of in person.

[aradia22]

@theredhead77 This is less of the friendship thing I've felt from the start and more about him saying some things that turned me off. 

[Mikky]

really interesting!

[Lantern7]

Quick question: has anyone else here gotten more interest from potential matches? I’ve been getting a lot of responses lately. It’s late and my iPad needs recharging, so I’ll bottom-line it: given recent events, I think people don’t want to be alone now more than ever. Also, there might be a baby boom in July-August 2021. Just my take. 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

[Anela]

On 11/18/2020 at 2:03 AM, Lantern7 said:

Quick question: has anyone else here gotten more interest from potential matches? I’ve been getting a lot of responses lately. It’s late and my iPad needs recharging, so I’ll bottom-line it: given recent events, I think people don’t want to be alone now more than ever. Also, there might be a baby boom in July-August 2021. Just my take. 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

That happened to me, back in March, on a site that I'd totally forgotten I was on (I have the emails filtered to trash). I thought it was either the same as you've mentioned (more along the lines of guys thinking they might get lucky with sexting, or something), or the site was trying to get me to pay them to see my messages, so they weren't all real people. I haven't received anything for months, after their cramming my trash folder with men who supposedly wanted to talk to me. 

[aradia22]

Short call with The Conversationalist today. Less than an hour. He's a slow talker in real time. It bothers me a little. I explained what turned me off about his messages. He seemed to get it but idk. He still wants to pursue things so we will probably end up going out sometime when it's safe but I have very low hopes for this turning into anything.

[Lantern7]

Realization: I've been chatting on and off with a few women, and I don't know what to do in order to move further. Under normal circumstances, I'd suggest going out on a date, but that's not really an option now. Maybe using Zoom to go one-on-one for a small amount of time? Or maybe a step where we're no longer using OKC to communicate with each other?

[RealHousewife]

Have you all experienced a lot of rudeness doing the online dating? I've had friends find their husbands on it, but I've also heard there are lots of rude men you might have to deal with. One friend of mine is GORGEOUS, so she got tons of men messaging her on one of those dating sites, don't remember which one. Some men sent her nasty messages for not responding quickly. 

I don't think we have a general dating thread, so thought I'd also ask, what are everyone's top qualities they look for and dealbreakers? 

[JTMacc99]

On 12/14/2020 at 10:27 PM, RealHousewife said:

Have you all experienced a lot of rudeness doing the online dating?

Of course. It's just another way people communicate on the internet, which is to say, it's full of people who say stuff they would never say to somebody right in front of them. And it's especially bad when you come across somebody who would say something rude to you right to your face.

And then there's the relentless ghosting.  The real life equivalent of just turning around and walking away from somebody mid-conversation.

On 12/14/2020 at 10:27 PM, RealHousewife said:

what are everyone's top qualities they look for and dealbreakers? 

I'll stick with the things I can discern from the online profiles and interactions.

Top qualities to look for before you meet in person:

The profile needs to have a few pictures, good smile, and not 7 head shots all from the same angle. I'm not planning to date just your head from the top right.  It needs to have a few sentences about yourself with actual thoughts that aren't "I'm as comfortable at home watching a movie as I am for a night on the town!" (There is a level of hotness that can override that crap, but it's a really high level.) Bonus points if the profile shows some signs of being clever.  I really like a profile that speaks a little bit about what she is looking to find in a positive way, and I also really like a profile that gives me two or three things about herself that gives me something to talk about with the opening message.

Immediate rejection for any profile that makes a list of men who "should not contact me". Dating requires an unreasonable level of optimism that something good might happen. Profiles with lots of negativity, such as scolding the ever-present idiots, read as very pessimistic. I feel like it's my first duty to "prove" I'm not an idiot, which is a terrible sign that I'd ever be able to build the level of trust with this person that a successful relationship requires. The rest of my deal-breakers are directly related to scars I've accumulated in my life to this point.  Stuff that makes me think, "Oh. No. I'm not dealing with THAT again."

[RealHousewife]

9 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

Of course. It's just another way people communicate on the internet, which is to say, it's full of people who say stuff they would never say to somebody right in front of them. And it's especially bad when you come across somebody who would say something rude to you right to your face.

And then there's the relentless ghosting.  The real life equivalent of just turning around and walking away from somebody mid-conversation.

I'll stick with the things I can discern from the online profiles and interactions.

Top qualities to look for before you meet in person:

The profile needs to have a few pictures, good smile, and not 7 head shots all from the same angle. I'm not planning to date just your head from the top right.  It needs to have a few sentences about yourself with actual thoughts that aren't "I'm as comfortable at home watching a movie as I am for a night on the town!" (There is a level of hotness that can override that crap, but it's a really high level.) Bonus points if the profile shows some signs of being clever.  I really like a profile that speaks a little bit about what she is looking to find in a positive way, and I also really like a profile that gives me two or three things about herself that gives me something to talk about with the opening message.

Immediate rejection for any profile that makes a list of men who "should not contact me". Dating requires an unreasonable level of optimism that something good might happen. Profiles with lots of negativity, such as scolding the ever-present idiots, read as very pessimistic. I feel like it's my first duty to "prove" I'm not an idiot, which is a terrible sign that I'd ever be able to build the level of trust with this person that a successful relationship requires. The rest of my deal-breakers are directly related to scars I've accumulated in my life to this point.  Stuff that makes me think, "Oh. No. I'm not dealing with THAT again."

Good point about people being bolder when they're not speaking to you in person.

LOL I so agree about level of hotness being able to override stuff, but it's definitely got to be an exceptional level.  My experience with men though is that they tend to not care as much about different ideology and interests if they think you're pretty. I also really like clever. It's much easier for me to be physically attracted to someone than it is to be impressed by their intellect. 

Oh good to know. I don't like hurting people's feelings so I can see an immediate "do not contact me" being harsh. 

I totally get what you mean about the scars too. I've dealt with a lot of mental abuse and drama since childhood. There are things that would really bother other people but not be big deals to me (say messiness or someone who likes his own space), but people who are constantly upset about something are not the kind of people I want to get super close to. 

[HerkyJerky]

22 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I feel like it's my first duty to "prove" I'm not an idiot, which is a terrible sign that I'd ever be able to build the level of trust with this person that a successful relationship requires.

OMG! JTMACC99, isn't that the truth!  That's why I stopped online dating. Every woman I met said that I SEEMED like a nice guy but you could tell that they were just waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I wanted to SCREAM that this is America; you're presumed innocent until found guilty!