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Online Dating: The good, the bad and the ugly

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On 1/11/2020 at 1:40 AM, Lantern7 said:

Met a girl. Swapped lines. Didn't hear from her after a few days. Wrote back. Didn't hear from her. Decided to write again, with the intent of telling her that I really really REALLY don't want to be considered obsessive (in as few words as possible) . . . and her profile is down. Of course it is.*

*Once again: when shit like that happens, I usually hate myself and/or my luck. I don't get a mad-on for an entire gender.

No, full stop. That's creepy and obsessive. If you can't resisit the constant reaching out to women who don't respond, instead of realizing they aren't interested in communication (or busy with other things), I strongly encourage you to delete the apps and take a break.

 

 

18 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

My only excuse is that I tend to get uneasy when I don't hear from someone after a while, mostly because I'm not usually in situations where I'm talking to a woman beyond platonic.

No excuses. If you don't hear from someone after a while they are either busy or not interested in communicating. You need to assume all interactions are platonic until shown otherwise.

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And yes, I will try to curb such behavior.


Yoda-Episode-5.jpg

 

Edited by theredhead77
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11 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

You need to assume all interactions are platonic until shown otherwise.

This. Until both parties express interest in pursing things further, all interactions on a dating site are platonic.  Some people may not even be looking for a date---maybe they are just testing the waters to see whats out there or just looking for casual conversation.

I get your anxiousness, but you have to understand that it can make a woman feel very uneasy to sign in after a few days and see multiple messages from the same guy. The guy could be Mr. Dreamboat and I'd still block him because that behavior signals red flags everywhere.

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There's a book called "The Relationship Code" by John Gottman, which might help you in getting some guidelines for communication and reading signals. One concept he talks about is "bids"-- you make a bid for connection of some kind, and tailor your next move according to how the other person responds. This way you are actually relating to the person before you, and not to a script in your mind, whether it's fantasy or fear.

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Thank God for this thread. Hey, remember Mr. Slow and Easy? I kind of did but not really, which is why I had to dig back to page 38 of this thread. Yeah, the last time we went out was October 2018.

I was on vacation during December. While I was away, he sent me this message. My phone says it was sent around 10pm on December 11th but it could have been any time around that time because my phone was being crazy while I was out of the country. I didn't respond because I couldn't remember how I felt about him after our last date. 

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Hey, it's almost been a year, you came to mind today after a friend talked about traveling for teaching. How've you been?

 

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14 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I didn't respond because I couldn't remember how I felt about him after our last date. 

What are you going to do?  

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I've barely been on okc but I check in periodically because they send me weird messages about how they're going to shut down my account from inactivity. Anyway... new first message. This is a bot, right?

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Good Morning , I hope you had a awesome and perfect nights dream, and your having a lovely morning so far , just here wondering if your personality is as beautiful as your photos , is it possible that we could get to know more about each other

I matched for seriously like a second with this cute ace guy (not the message above) with similar interests that I thought I might connect with. And then when I was about to send him a message, his profile was gone so maybe he unmatched. And I immediately was like... ugh. Why did I even log back into this app? XD

Yeah, I'm really not feeling it. I don't think I'll be messaging or going out with anyone until at least March. If I can't comfortably walk around outside just wearing a light jacket, it doesn't really seem worth it to go on random first dates. 

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I went on a couple dates with this guy I matched with on Hinge. He was really nice and we had fun, thought there was a bit of a spark there but text communication dwindled and a lunch-brunch kept getting rescheduled because of work conflicts. The communication eventually ceased. I figure he isn't feeling it. No biggie.

Went on a date with this dude that I can only explain as having a really off vibe. He seemed nice enough through messages and at dinner but the vibe was off enough for me to detour elsewhere so he didn't have a reason to walk me to my car. I know I could have just unmatched and I never, ever give out my number prior to a first date but he didn't do anything 'wrong' so I sent him a thanks for dinner (I tried to pay for mine but he wouldn't let me) but I didn't feel a spark message. I was super surprised when he didn't turn into a jerk and just thanked me for letting him know and then I unmatched. 

I joined a couple social things for the spring, maybe I'll meet some new people and make some new friends through there.

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Hey, you have such a pretty smile. What are you up to?

First message from... a 22-year-old? I feel like I'm being trolled. 

Am I ever going to be ready for actual dating again? I honestly don't know. 

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12 hours ago, aradia22 said:

First message from... a 22-year-old? I feel like I'm being trolled. 

Am I ever going to be ready for actual dating again? I honestly don't know. 

You will be. Until then, it's okay to work through our own issues, feel better about ourselves and what we want before putting in the effort dating requires. 

And it's almost kind of thoughtful for the 22 year-old to send you that note, as it'll reinforce what Homer here said:

 

everyonestupid.gif

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Matched with a dude. Initial small talk reveals that he goes out of state every weekend to visit his son. Awesome, involved parent but I need someone who is available on weekends. So I basically said it doesn't sound like our schedules mesh, I need someone who has weekends open because I work long hours during the week. His response was he's not afraid to make time after work but it's up to me. Yea, no. It's not about time. It's about energy. And also if you're gone every weekend social event options are limited and it sounds like you have a secret family you're stepping out on while your away for work. 

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Hello! Good to see you here. I'm {name redacted]. How is your day? I like your pictures. Here is a 🌹 for you. Would love to start a conversation with you.

Still not in the mood to talk to anyone but at least the fishing messages are on the sweet side.

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