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Online Dating: The good, the bad and the ugly

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@theredhead77 I wouldn't call myself an introvert or someone with social anxiety but I do have trouble leaving the house sometimes. If you are really clicking with someone like that, I would try to be patient. Angry responses about not wanting to be pen pals might scare people off. 

I've been exchanging a couple messages. It's so much easier to write back to people who write to you first, even if it's a boring "how was your day" message. I know I should be brave but I'm not even convinced I want to date right now so it's difficult to find the motivation to write to people who seem like they're out of my league. But the people who write to me aren't great... I don't know. Something's got to change eventually but... not right now.

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13 minutes ago, aradia22 said:

I wouldn't call myself an introvert or someone with social anxiety but I do have trouble leaving the house sometimes. If you are really clicking with someone like that, I would try to be patient. Angry responses about not wanting to be pen pals might scare people off.

Nah. I call that being clear about my expectations that I am here to meet people IRL instead of passively waiting or making it seem that I am OK with just a texting thing. If he isn't on the same page it's better to find out sooner than later.

ETA: I grew up in a house where my dad hated having people over (to this day he hates it when my mom has company), hated going to other peoples homes for the holidays (but also hated having them over) and hated going most places. It's only gotten worse as he's gotten older. I do not want that in a partner and if this dude can't even meet for coffee after a week of conversation about sci-fi shows we both love (built-in conversation) he isn't the guy for me.

Edited by theredhead77
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I do not want that in a partner and if this dude can't even meet for coffee after a week of conversation about sci-fi shows we both love (built-in conversation) he isn't the guy for me.

Totally fair. I'm just speaking as someone who has some mental health struggles. If you're open to dating someone like that, it's part of the deal. 

I'm getting more of Guy #2. Guys who are flaky and noncommittal with lazy profiles who want your number IMMEDIATELY.

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I just came across a hilarious profile. Are women into thick thighs? I ask because this guy barely wrote anything on his profile so it mainly consists of photos. And though you get some sense that his upper body is fit, basically the angle of every photo emphasizes his thighs which are always displayed in what looks like women's leggings or maybe the tights football players wear... but they look like leggings. And it's not in a way that outlines his junk. Two photos show off his butt. 

Basically, this does not come across like the profile of a straight man. O.o

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9 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I ask because this guy barely wrote anything on his profile so it mainly consists of photos.

I've come to the conclusion that almost all of us really have no idea what we're doing when it comes to creating an online dating profile.

It's just a whole lot of throwing stuff up against the wall to see what sticks. Lots of photos? Not too many photos? A dozen photos, all from the neck up (I always chuckle at that decision. I don't think it matters if you are a man or a woman looking at that profile, when you get to about the ninth photo you have to be thinking, "Am I just going to be dating this person's head?") Lots of words? Barely any words? Try to be funny? Go with the ole "I'm just as comfortable dressing up for a night on the town as I am curled up on the couch watching a movie."

How any of this stuff ends up working out at all is kind of amazing.

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I blocked a guy who was asking weird questions about interracial dating. I think I'm patient. I won't immediately unmatch. But if you keep making it weird, then, no. I can't with that. 

Also, I have a date Friday. I wasn't planning on it. We haven't exchanged many messages at all. But I have an extra ticket for a thing and I thought... why not? I'm not expecting much but hopefully it'll be nice to have some company rather than go alone and waste a ticket. 

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On 8/21/2019 at 11:57 AM, theredhead77 said:

Guy 1 - lots in common, we enjoy the same TV shows, same politics, and the conversation is flowing. He lives near me, sounds great. Sunday night I let him know I was interested in getting coffee and meeting and he responded 'just a warning, I'm an introvert with mild social anxiety". Monday night I asked him how it impacted his life. He said it doesn't really, he just doesn't like huge crowds, etc.. OK, that's fine. I'm not a fan of crowds myself. The conversation keeps flowing but nothing about meeting up. Last night I asked if he was interested in meeting in person anytime soon, let him know I enjoy the chat but I'm not on a dating app for text friends. *crickets*. Yep, nope. This isn't going to work for me.

Nothing from Guy 1. Not even an attempt to reinitiate conversation. I even reached out yesterday and he has until the end of tomorrow to respond or I'll unmatch. No, I didn't give him an ultimatum - it's the mental deadline in my head. You're either hiding something or in such poor health, mentally that it's going to be an unhealthy relationship. If you're so introverted that you can't bring yourself to meet someone in person you need to get off the online dating. 

People think they are forming "real relationships" with nothing but texts. No, all you are doing is having a penpal-esque conversation (in real-time) with someone, who for all you know has a family, or is not who they say they are.

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19 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

If you're so introverted that you can't bring yourself to meet someone in person you need to get off the online dating. 

It's not fair to the other person. The point of the online tool is to create in person dates. 

And yet, it's been around long enough now where I guess there are plenty of people who do it JUST to strike up online conversations. I hadn't thought about it until right now, but it makes total sense to me.  And again, it's not fair to be that person without making it perfectly clear that your goal isn't to jump right into dates, but rather to strike up online relationships.  As I said earlier:

On 8/21/2019 at 12:00 PM, JTMacc99 said:

Ugh. 

My "dates" of late have been of the "Me and the puppy are going to local brewery" variety.  Probably the most fun I've had out and about in a long time. I get to talk to lots of people, have a drink and sometimes some food, and then I go home and don't worry about getting ghosted by my date. He loves me unconditionally. 

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I think I came across my very first scammer. Dude popped up as a match, which I thought was from geolocation, not inputted location. He claimed he was deployed to Syria but seemed to have the same functional hours as I do instead of being 7 hours ahead. After making sure is being deployed wasn't a dealbreaker he said his "plan" was to "get to know someone while deployed so they could meet when he got home in October".

Alright, well I'm not down for text buddies but if you're not physically here we can message if you're going to be in town in 6 weeks. I'm not putting my life on hold but what the hell. Nothing really pinged my radar and we were going back and forth. I kept my answers to "tell me about yourself" pretty generic and he sent a paragraph with way TMI about his childhood. I replied with "how many women have you sent that to 😉 and then asked what he did in his free time when not deployed". No response for a bit so I looked and I was unmatched.

I think the scam was to either ask personal questions that will typically be passwords or security question answers before trying to be friends on social media and/or to get a woman to think they were in a relationship via the app and get her to send money. Yea, no.

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I haven't been in a relationship or dated for 14 years. I've done the online dating sites and I'm not comfortable meeting someone that way. I'm pretty certain I'm never going to find a compatible mate before I die. I guess it's just being willing to accept that. I don't see it as a bad thing but it's not what I want. Maybe "the powers that be" know more about what's best for me. 

Meeting someone these days is so difficult when we all know there are sexual predators, money scamming predators, and just your every day garden variety of bat$hit crazy people. It's a full time job trying to meet someone you really feel comfortable with.

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Date cancelled for tonight 2 hours before we were supposed to meet up. Family emergency. 

Debating whether to try and find a last minute date or just go myself. Leaning towards the latter.

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3 hours ago, aradia22 said:

Date cancelled for tonight 2 hours before we were supposed to meet up. Family emergency. 

Debating whether to try and find a last minute date or just go myself. Leaning towards the latter.

I hope you decided to go by yourself. Attending any event by yourself doesn't make you look like a loser, it makes you look like a strong, confident person! Which is exactly what you should be. So I hope you went and had a good time!

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I hope you decided to go by yourself. Attending any event by yourself doesn't make you look like a loser, it makes you look like a strong, confident person! Which is exactly what you should be. So I hope you went and had a good time!

Oh, I know. I go to plenty of things by myself. I just thought it'd be nice to have company. Anyway, I had a blast. It was a delightful night out I'll post about it in the Theater Talk thread here at some point if you're interested. 🙂

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On 8/30/2019 at 5:34 PM, chenoa333 said:

I haven't been in a relationship or dated for 14 years. I've done the online dating sites and I'm not comfortable meeting someone that way. I'm pretty certain I'm never going to find a compatible mate before I die. I guess it's just being willing to accept that. I don't see it as a bad thing but it's not what I want. Maybe "the powers that be" know more about what's best for me. 

Meeting someone these days is so difficult when we all know there are sexual predators, money scamming predators, and just your every day garden variety of bat$hit crazy people. It's a full time job trying to meet someone you really feel comfortable with.

This could have been written by me.  It is exactly my status and feelings about it, right down to the 14 years.  

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23 minutes ago, MargoChanning said:

This could have been written by me.  It is exactly my status and feelings about it, right down to the 14 years.  

I knew I wasn't the only one. It's too bad this is the way things are but I guess I'd rather play it safe than put myself out there, and be sorry. 

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I have a date Monday at 9pm. Weird time but I randomly wanted to go to a thing and I didn't want to pay the 2-drink minimum so I bought the tickets and found a date. Hopefully this one works out and I don't get another last minute cancellation. We've barely chatted but hopefully it goes okay. As long as I don't get murdered, I'm good. Lowered expectations. His messages fall into what others here have described as generic fishing but at least his grammar and spelling is good and he doesn't seem completely insane. 

Not really red flags on his profile but he trends nerdy and there are some comments I'm side-eyeing. But nothing major. Just stuff that someone else might swipe past. 

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I am old and less desirable so I feel like I have fewer weird first messages to share but I occasionally I still get more than a generic hi.

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Let me be your mirror :)

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

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I think it might be a reference to a beautiful if somewhat disturbing song by the Velvet Underground:

I have loved this song myself since I was twelve.  If the reference is to this song I don't think it is creepy necessarily.

Edited by ratgirlagogo
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20 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I am old and less desirable

OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.  If you have been honest about your age over the last three sites I've been on along with you - you are not anybody's idea of old let alone undesirable.  GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Edited by ratgirlagogo
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Hi all,

Back from my date. Nothing too exciting to report. We went to see a Donna Summer tribute concert. It was supposed to be an hour. My train was running late but the show didn't start until half an hour after it was scheduled to start so it was fine. The show was a fun time. I didn't really think about how it would work as a date. It stuck to the hits and the disco era so it was sexy and fun and campy with some breaks for those "ballad/love songs" though it's disco so even those had dance breaks. We managed to chat a little beforehand and more after and on the way to the subway. Even though we only chatted a bit, I could tell we weren't a match. He's not unattractive, but I'm not particularly attracted to him. He's unambitious and we don't really have common interests. Also he makes very little eye contact when he talks to you. He's another one of these agreeable dudes. I don't see it going anywhere. 

Hug hello. Hug goodbye with a kiss on the cheek. I miss kissing someone who knows what they're doing. Sigh...

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People always say to not be all about looks or money, and while I agree you shouldn’t be superficial, I’ve had better luck personality-wise with men who are successful and attractive. 

I know they can be players, but my experience with them is that they are more pleasant and sweet. The guys I’ve dated who aren’t hot commodities seem insecure, put me down more, and it’s almost like they’re jealous of me. 

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I have been dark on the one site I use, but I sometimes browse anyway. Saw someone interesting, came out of hiding to say hello. No response, naturally, but I got a random like elsewhere.

Blank profile photo, but I went ahead and looked anyway. Second photo was her dog. Third photo in was her. Cute! So I read what she wrote, and she was interesting.  PhD. I correctly guessed she was a therapist. (Brain doctors of all types like my profile all the time, I’m trying to stay positive about that common theme.)

I send my standard type of hello to someone who liked me first. 36 hours later I get a “Thank you for reaching out. I met someone here and don’t want to date around. Good luck!”

Heh. Par for the course. 

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