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DkNNy79

Online Dating: The good, the bad and the ugly

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Also, what things in a person's profile will make you automatically "decline" them?

Sketchy shirtless photos (e.g. not at the beach, etc.). All selfies or too many mirror selfies. (Do you not have friends who take your photo on occasion?) Not filling out your profile. (Higher chance of a fake account and it just shows that you're not putting in the effort.) Truly poor grammar/spelling (At a certain point there are so many mistakes that you either can't write properly or you can but couldn't be bothered to proofread your profile which is almost worse.) Smoking/drug paraphernalia. Looking like a murderer. (I've read things saying that guys shouldn't smile in their photos but I've seen guys take it way too far where they come across very murder-y. I'd rather not risk it.)

 

Of course there are times when I'll overlook one or two of these things if there's something else that really sells the profile. But it's rare.

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The ones who are specific about height and weight.  I prefer ads mentioning, "weight proportionate to height" since not every girl who weighs 150lbs carries it the same.

Ooh, can we talk about online dating codes?

 

Redhead, blonde, freckles, green eyes, blue eyes = white

Athletic, takes care of herself = skinny

 

Just be honest. It's not like everyone can't see through you.

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Admittedly I'm stranger danger-y but it's not exclusive to dating, I think that generally, women don't stay as physically aware as they should to keep themselves safe.

I just want to quickly throw in my opinion that it's never my responsibility to not get assaulted, raped, or murdered. That said, I exercise common sense because these guys are strangers. I'm always vague about where I live. I'll name my neighborhood but never my street or address. If we happen to be in the area, no, you don't need to walk me home and no, you definitely shouldn't come over. I always meet in a public setting and make sure there are people around. A friend always knows where I am.

 

What do ya'll think about arranged marriages?

Ahem. Married at First Sight. ;) I think my parents could find me someone smart and professional with a similar background if I let them but there would be that whole attraction/chemistry/common interests thing to get past. Set ups/blind dates are very different from arranged marriages though.

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I don't know about arranged marriages. I could trust my parents, I think - but what about me? When my now-husband and I were just friends, my dad had him pegged as the guy I should be in a relationship with, but he kept his mouth shut. I don't know how I'd have reacted if he had tried to give me advice about it. But obviously he would have picked a good choice for me.

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So my online dating stories are comparatively tame compared to the real horror stories. I think it's largely because I'm on a decent site. You can sign up for free but you need to pay for a subscription to send messages or do anything meaningful. You can't send photos on the messaging feature so no dick pics. I won't tell you about any of the guys I've gone out with because I'm paranoid that one of them will somehow find it. It's also why I won't make a blog out of it though all my girlfriends tell me that I should. I will tell you about some of the guys that have messaged me though.

 

First, there are all the ineligible bachelors. Unfortunately, even though I can set my preferences, it doesn't affect who can see my profile or send me messages. I signed up for the site when I was 22. I've gotten messages from guys from 33 to in their fifties. I generally ignore them but the site doesn't have a "block" feature. After I kept getting intrigues (the equivalent of facebook pokes) from the same 39-year-old (with kids!) I finally wrote to him to politely tell him that I wasn't interested. He tried to convince me that he looks younger than he is and some other fun arguments.

 

I think the rudest thing anyone ever said to me had to have come from a guy I just exchanged a few messages with. He wanted my phone number even though the site has a messaging feature and the whole point is to go out on a date instead of texting/messaging. I never give out my number until a date is set. He got mad and said something to the effect of 'have fun with your Asian guy with a small penis." I'm Chinese.

 

My favorite would have to be the guy who couldn't spell. That's a deal breaker for me. I'm a former English major. I like to have long conversations. I need someone on my level. But I was bored and I hadn't gone on a date for a while so I was trying to be open-minded and give him the benefit of the doubt. There were so many errors that his messages became unintelligible. I finally had to bring it up. He had a wonderful excuse. I wish I had the exact wording because it was priceless. I think he said something like "I don't think spelling is important because who made up how to spell words anyway." His anarchic spirit was not a match for mine. I think he might have also brought up Shakespeare. Really, it was great.

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an immediate turn-off is the act of selling racism as a preference. When someone includes in his profile that he's not into Asians or whatever, then I don't bother to look at that profile any further no matter how attractive that person might be. It might be true that you feel like you're more attracted to pale white dudes, but to be so hostile to an entire group of people is not a good selling point for a great personality. Besides, I think it's stupid to write off an entire group of people, I mean, you cannot possibly be into all white dudes either, so it's ridiculous to assume that there there is no wonderful sexy Asian guy that you are attracted to out there.

 

 

 

 I see nothing wrong with having a preference.  If a person is not attracted to someone of another race, then they are entitled to that.  In a sense it's like wanting to eat at your favorite restaurant or type of cuisine.  Some people can't get enough of  pizza, Chinese food, vegetarian cuisine or steak.  I don't hold it against someone for knowing what they want.    If anything, it prevents time wasting.  A person should be with whomever they are interested in and comfortable with. 

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Not much to add to the conversation, but there is a new dating app, Happn that my friend just told me about.   I don't know if it's NYC only or beyond that. 

 

For preferences, I was pretty open in mine, when someone would message that I wasn't remotely interested in, I would just not respond.   It's not that hard.   Some folks won't care what you write anyway, they'll send you a wink/hug/what's not solely based on the picture.    

Nosleep, are you in NYC?  I may have a guy :).   Lol.   J/K...sorta.  

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Sketchy shirtless photos (e.g. not at the beach, etc.). All selfies or too many mirror selfies. (Do you not have friends who take your photo on occasion?) Not filling out your profile. (Higher chance of a fake account and it just shows that you're not putting in the effort.) Truly poor grammar/spelling (At a certain point there are so many mistakes that you either can't write properly or you can but couldn't be bothered to proofread your profile which is almost worse.) Smoking/drug paraphernalia. Looking like a murderer. (I've read things saying that guys shouldn't smile in their photos but I've seen guys take it way too far where they come across very murder-y. I'd rather not risk it.)

 

Of course there are times when I'll overlook one or two of these things if there's something else that really sells the profile. But it's rare.

 

I snorted my tea.

 

I wish they knew what a pity that was.  A smile won't necessarily change your desire to get to know him but, man sometimes that'll translate the part of his personality that a mug shot pose won't.   When you said that, in my head I saw Woody Harrelson lol. 

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Went out on a date with a guy from match over the weekend.  The date was fine - not great/not awful .  He was a little braggy and was clearly trying to impress me.  He even mentioned that a few times.  My biggest issues were 1) his pictures from match were old, they had to have been 5-10 years old.  I was attracted to the guy in the pictures, not so much the guy who showed up and 2) He lives far away, like 1 1/2 - 2 hours away.  We met somewhere in between, but it still took me over an hour to get there.

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My biggest issues were 1) his pictures from match were old, they had to have been 5-10 years old.  I was attracted to the guy in the pictures, not so much the guy who showed up

 

 

That's valid.  I had a guy do that to me too - and he gained about 100 pounds between the time the photo was taken and meeting me!  To me it's misrepresenting yourself.  Maybe potential matches would be turned off by his age/weight/receding hairline but maybe someone else might not have cared.  He shouldn't have done that. 

 

At least he admits he is working too hard to impress you - in a way that's good to admit it.  It's nerve wracking for some people and they really want the other person to like them.

 

He lives far away, like 1 1/2 - 2 hours away.  We met somewhere in between, but it still took me over an hour to get there.

 

 

Nothing wrong with this - it was only a meet up anyway, right?  If you trust him and decide to continue seeing him, make sure he comes to pick you up (or meet up with you) where it's convenient for you. 

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That's valid.  I had a guy do that to me too - and he gained about 100 pounds between the time the photo was taken and meeting me!  To me it's misrepresenting yourself.  Maybe potential matches would be turned off by his age/weight/receding hairline but maybe someone else might not have cared.  He shouldn't have done that. 

 

At least he admits he is working too hard to impress you - in a way that's good to admit it.  It's nerve wracking for some people and they really want the other person to like them.

 

 

Nothing wrong with this - it was only a meet up anyway, right?  If you trust him and decide to continue seeing him, make sure he comes to pick you up (or meet up with you) where it's convenient for you. 

It is totally misrepresenting yourself.  I make sure to put the year in my picture caption so people know when the picture is taken and all my pics are from this year and last year.

 

The distance while not ideal is something I can deal with if I really like a guy (I would put in the extra effort).  I don't like this guy enough though.

Edited by DkNNy79
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Having a preference is okay and not being attracted to A PERSON of another race is okay, but in my opinion it is not okay to exclude an ENTIRE GROUP of people and sell it as a preference. It is STILL racism, because you put a large group of people with different backgrounds, different personalities, different looks into one tiny little box and reject all of them based on one tiny little label that can never accurately represent a person.

Besides, you will never be attracted to all white people either, so if you would want to be really thorough with your preferences, you would have to list all traits and characteristics that you're not into. Since you can not be attracted to everyone of a certain group of people, you can not not be attracted to everyone in a certain group of people either.

I had this conversation with a friend with benefits around the time I met him. I told him that I hate when people write things like "No Asians/blacks/fattys" etc on Grindr, he responded with the usual "Why? It's just a preference. I'm not into Asians so why can't I say that?" (Thankfully he hadn't explicitly said this on his profile or else I would never had met up with him) and I told him that it's just racism masquerading as preference, and that even if he didn't agree with that, he could at least agree with that it's being an asshole. Look beyond yourself and imagine coming from one of these groups that are being dismissed so casually all the time and how incredibly disheartening and hurtful that has to be. If you "don't like Asians" then just say "no thanks" or whatever if someone writes to you. He could at least agree with this. Jump ahead one year later and he's regularly seeing an Asian guy for sex. I reminded him of that conversation and he kind of sheepishly went, "Yeah, yeah..."

Preferences - sexual or for people/appearences - change all the time. I know mine does. Daily, sometimes.

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I had this conversation with a friend with benefits around the time I met him. I told him that I hate when people write things like "No Asians/blacks/fattys" etc on Grindr, he responded with the usual "Why? It's just a preference. I'm not into Asians so why can't I say that?" (Thankfully he hadn't explicitly said this on his profile or else I would never had met up with him) and I told him that it's just racism masquerading as preference, and that even if he didn't agree with that, he could at least agree with that it's being an asshole. Look beyond yourself and imagine coming from one of these groups that are being dismissed so casually all the time and how incredibly disheartening and hurtful that has to be. If you "don't like Asians" then just say "no thanks" or whatever if someone writes to you. He could at least agree with this. Jump ahead one year later and he's regularly seeing an Asian guy for sex. I reminded him of that conversation and he kind of sheepishly went, "Yeah, yeah..."

Preferences - sexual or for people/appearences - change all the time. I know mine does. Daily, sometimes.

Amen to that!!!

Proudly claiming that you have a certain "preference" and eliminating an entire pool of potential romantic matches is just as idiotically short-sighted, superficial and elitist as claiming you have a "type" and refusing to date anyone outside of it.

I'm married to someone completely outside of my former "preference"---he was shorter than I liked, older than I preferred, highly professional, and he wasn't remotely edgy or creative to me initially after years of only dating tattooed and/or pierced artists and musicians.

And yet, we clicked immediately on a completely conversational-level; the romance naturally occurred a bit later.

Hate to say it, but most people really ruin their besr chances for love thanks to their own damned stupidity/stubbornness. And as Eddie Winslow said best, "If you only wait for the float with Miss America on it, you're gonna miss the whole parade!"

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Hate to say it, but most people really ruin their besr chances for love thanks to their own damned stupidity/stubbornness.

 

I almost did as I initially skipped over my boyfriend's profile because he lives two hours away and I make considerably more money than he does (he's a high school teacher and should get paid a helluva lot more than he does, but that's another story for another day), but I'm sure glad I wised up and responded to his email!

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I almost did as I initially skipped over my boyfriend's profile because he lives two hours away and I make considerably more money than he does (he's a high school teacher and should get paid a helluva lot more than he does, but that's another story for another day), but I'm sure glad I wised up and responded to his email!

But it's hard, isn't it? I was broken up with two weeks ago at the age of 36. Not exactly my finest hour. Trying to focus on the positives in my life and that bullshit they tell me to do :) (which truly is helpful).

We have friends and coworkers and characters in movies bombarding us with "oh-you'll know. I knew the second I met (whoever)". So I find myself kind of buying into this and thinking a chorus of angels will break into song and by Geeorge, I Will Know!

But my life hasn't panned out quite like that. I haven't online dated right now, but I did for the first time prior to this (non online) relationship. Met some great guys! A doctor, marketing exec, etc. Yet I didn't have the warm and fuzzies which turned to questions of is he or isn't he.

I'm not too keen on dating at the moment. But I'll revisit it. Thankfully there's a new hot guy at work that if he serves no other purpose has been a distraction. Because heartbreak is the fucking worst.

I'm rambling, I know. But I guess I'm saying this next rodeo, be it online or in person- I'm going to be a lot more optimistic and second chance willing. Barring the obvious red flags, I want to be open. Because like Sun-Bun experienced, sometimes love evolves. And how awesome would that be?

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Hate to say it, but most people really ruin their besr chances for love thanks to their own damned stupidity/stubbornness. And as Eddie Winslow said best, "If you only wait for the float with Miss America on it, you're gonna miss the whole parade!"

I think one of the differences with online dating is that the parade you have to consider could consume your whole life if you let it. When I'm browsing a little more casually and taking time to really read profiles I'll consider most guys. But after a few days with no luck or something else causing frustration/desperation you start writing more and more people off. Now, it's general for the pet peeves I mentioned earlier like shirtless bathroom selfies but still. Normally I think you should get a second chance to make a first impression but when you're combing through a ton of profiles you need to be a little more efficient.

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I'm half Asian and have never been attracted to Asian guys - too much like dating your brother for me. I might recognize a guy is technically attractive, but not on a personal level.  If I were creating a dating profile, I wouldn't have thought twice if preferences were part of the profile set up (although I doubt if I would have offered that up voluntarily).  When it comes to race/ethnicities, most people I've known have had "types" and I wouldn't have necessarily thought negatively about that being specified. 

 

Do the services prompt you for type or is this something a participant offers up unbidden?

 

Total theroetical questions since I have no interest in dating or a profile; just curious based on the discussion here.

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LOL!!

 

Ugh.  I hate *this* dude.  If you see something, say something.  

 

I think it means he likes you, but fears rejection.  I mean nobody's wild about the prospect of being rejected but what the hell are you doing online if you're never gonna take the risk?   It might even be his passive strategy to get you, sorry, I mean your friend ;) to reach out.   He knows that you can see him, seeing you right?  And if/when you click on his profile, he can also see that.....?  It's almost the online equivalent of: I'll hand her my card, if she likes me, she'll call.  If she doesn't, at least I didn't get my feelings hurt.

 

p.s. "all I find exciting in a person" is a strongly awesome reason to introduce yourself.

 

p.p.s. what do you think your friend thinks it means?

Edited by ZaldamoWilder

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My "friend" thinks that it's unlikely that a human creature this eerily perfect would take an active interest in him and is actually actively intimidated.

 

But he pondered if there could be a thing such as a curse that makes genetically enhanced Superhumans with interestingly creative leisure time activities be interested in plain-old ordinary folk with human flaws. He also pondered about whether his hesitation to send a message could result in the universe collapsing. This is like real, serious stuff, man.

 

That's why he asked for my advice, but that seemed like too much responsibility, so I had to ask here for my "friend" of course. 

 

Yes.  It's called a Catfish picture.

 

I hope your friend finds himself much more appealing than plain old ordinary folk with human flaws would indicate.   a) that's pretty much all of us, despite the packaging and b) Mr. Clark Kent here is on the same site he is. 

 

Personally? I don't think the universe will collapse, but I do agree with the posters upthread who expressed that you'll never know what you may have missed out on unless you try.

 

Public place please.  How good a wingwoman are you?

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If someone keeps looking up your profile on a dating app without ever texting or whatever, does that still mean something? Because this guy keeps showing up in my "recently looked at your profile"-list and I'm wondering whether I should write him a message, because he looks like a genetically enhanced Superhuman and his profile text is basically all I find exciting in a person.

Since this is on a dating app, I'd tell your "friend" to go for it. The worst thing that can happen after sending out an overture is that he doesn't reply. Well, the worst thing is if you send an overtly sexual message and then you run into him one day as a friend of a friend or someone interviewing you for a job. So just don't write anything creepy. 

 

As for why he keeps looking at your profile but not sending any messages, I don't know what site you're on. With the site I'm on, the photos are really tiny on the app so I will click on a profile to see who it is if someone sends me a message. And sometimes I just like reading profiles and whatever algorithm the app is using throws the same people at me every so often. But if he's coming back again and again maybe he does like you and/or your profile but can't think of the right way to strike up a conversation. Take a chance! That's why you're on the app in the first place, right?

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Question:  My SIL (who just filed papers to divorce my brother) is on a hook-up or dating site, although not sure which one.  Her purpose isn't to find a relationship, but something much more casual than that.  From what I gather, she has not gotten an overwhelming response.  She's not the girl/woman who ever had the "it" factor going for her - even on her best day.  She's past 50 now - chronologically;  mentally I am sure she is still locked into her teens.

 

So my question is this - what is the typical age range of people active on these kinds of sites?  I had assumed it was for a younger market.

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Good question.  Are you trying to help her? lol!  

 

If the site is notorious for hook ups, I don't think there's a typical range, per se.  But mentally I would eliminate any man under 50 only because a man under 50 who's attracted to a woman who is 50 is like spotting a unicorn.   Sucks, that's 1/2 her base.   Now then.  Men who are 50.  When I was online dating (at 37-40) the men who were between 45 and 55 wanted women between 18-37.   Seriously.  Some said they'd be willing to go as high as 40 if they considered her physically exceptional.  That was without regard to their life phase, these were men who were done or uninterested in having children but they wanted (pardon the phrasing) as much bang for their buck as possible.  Gorgeous, young, but ideally, both.  I don't know who started this shit but men are judged (by other men) by the company they keep.  Even tougher for mere mortals, these are highly visceral creatures and (for the purposes of this opinion please pardon the generalization but) in terms of choosing whom they believe themselves to be physically equally yoked with, they're also wildly delusional.  So on a site where there isn't even the pretense of compatibility based on personality or shared interests, the girls who generate traffic will look more like Kim Kardashian than Tina Fey (who I think is gorgeous but she's 45, poor thing).  I don't think she's competing against herself, she's competing against all the other women who look like the youngest, most sexually appealing version of her.  I'd say her best shot is to present her best array of honest, recent, candid pictures that show off her sense of humor and best physical traits.  The honesty is huge, from the neck up pics and peekaboo hiding behind a door pics are causing problems lol.

 

How has it gone when she's reached out to dudes she finds attractive?

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It depends what site you're on. In general, I'd say that people in their 20's-30's dominate most sites that aren't super into finding "the one" (so not eHarmony or Christian Mingle... I assume). But remember the longer a site has been around the more people who are likely to have heard of it. And as long as they haven't stopped dating, the user base that started using those sites have simply aged up. So someone who started online dating in their 30's might be in their 40's now.

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Good question.  Are you trying to help her? lol!  

 

<SNIP>

 

How has it gone when she's reached out to dudes she finds attractive?

No to the help part - she's not my favorite person, but she is who she always has been so I'll give her credit for consistency.  Just trying to figure out how this plays out - when I lived in the Los Angeles area my friends were on Match and there are 10 million people in LA county.  They live in a county that has about 275,000 people and a beach town to boot - so much much smaller and somehow someone always knows what the dirt is.  Several people my brother works with told him she was on the site which is how he found out about - this was before the divorce papers were served. But they've been divorcing since before they got married 25 years ago so no big surprise.  They've got two kids though - 19 and 16.  Trying to wrap my brain about what knowing a parent is on a site specifying "not looking for a relationship" does to your head.  And safety - hers and her family.

 

From what I hear, the responses she's gotten is underwhelming.  Youth and looks are not on her side - she's not ugly, but she's not what I would have ever considered attractive.  She tends to be on the severe side - that tough New Jersey thing (aplogizes to NJ)  and I've never seen her come across as a good flirt.

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Eeesh.  That's complicated.  The kids will likely be embarrassed.   Is she talkable to for you?  Do you think she hasn't put it together and if she did do you think she's the kind of mom to knock off being public with it for their sake?    Why do you think it's important for her to make rebounding a priority right now?

 

#jerseystrongandproudofit

 

:P

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We've never been close and she grew up on the block behind me.  We're just not the kind of people who were ever friends.  Not enemies, but not friends.  She would have thought I was an overly social, girly joiner smarty pants (not entirely wrong) and I always thought she was rough in every way - looking, talking, manners..  She's always been uncomfortable with how close my family is and, more specifically, how close my brother/her husband and I are.  Often when he's said "no" to something she wanted, she would say "You'd do it for your sister".

 

I think her need to reassure herself she's desirable is stronger than her concerns for the kids.  And she's very very competitive - my brother is the guy who always had the "it" factor.  He's had women flirting with him his whole life.  When it became common knowledge that they really were going to finally get divorced, he's had women making it very clear that they were ready to date him anytime he was ready.  Part of that is him and part of that is just the difference in the dating pool available to men vs. women but I think her competiveness may be pushing her to be too risky.  I don't know how to talk to her about that, but I really don't want to see her hurt.

 

The good thing is the kids are no longer that young and they are very savvy.  I worried a lot when they were younger about them falling victim to Mom's creeper boyfriend if there was a divorce. 

 

Thanks for the feedback and questions - it really has made me think through this a bit more carefully and dissect what my concerns are. 

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I started to say if I were this girl, I'd probably be receptive to the conversation, if you were willing to have it.  But. 

 

competitive + hearing it from my nemesis and person I considered to be chief rival for my husband's attention = yeah, no.

 

If I were hearing it though, I really don't want to see you hurt is the opening to a paragraph I'd listen to the rest of.    Unless I were like one of the primary cast of RHoNJ in which I'd just tell you I'm not your business anymore. 

 

That's a toughie, I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do.

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Nemesis?  Nice ring to that - a level of infamy and calculation!  But it implies an actual effort on my part to get under her skin and it really just a byproduct of me being who I am.  And since she hates most people, I do not achieve elite status.

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So, I did it. I signed up for okc. Have four dates in a row scheduled for this week. I'll let you know how it goes. Pray for me.

Good luck!

 

I have a first date with a guy from Match on Friday.  Also, of course when someone's interested they all come out of the woodwork, I have all these guys messaging me now.  It was pretty quite for a couple of months then BAM.

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For my first OKC date, this went pretty well. I don't know if we had a ton of chemistry but he didn't try to murder me and I didn't hate him so it was a win in that sense. We met at a bookstore. Then we browsed a holiday gift market and sat on a park bench. Then we sat for a bit in a Starbucks and went to see a Broadway play. I paid for the play. He wants to be a writer. He's 6 years older than me. He seemed relatively smart but not particularly well read or well-spoken. He wants to be a writer and currently works in the online shipping department of a bookstore. He has a nice smile. I think he wanted me to know more about horror movies. He was very fidgety throughout the play and didn't enjoy it. He also ditched me early (it was 9:30) because he said he was hungry. We didn't really argue but there were a few rough spots (nothing serious) of not seeing eye to eye. We seem relatively aligned politically but I think we'd run out of things to talk about in another date or two. He doesn't like theatre because he saw The Lion King when he was sick. I don't really see it working out but I would go out with him again just to give him a chance if he asked me. If not, on to the next!

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Second OKC date. I feel like I had more chemistry with this guy. We were more flirty and more comfortable and there was less awkwardness. If there were silences or awkwardness we just let it pass without getting worked up about it and I don't think we had any moments of disagreement anyway. We met at a bar and played Scrabble and then he taught me how to play pool. He also kissed me. Twice. It wasn't the worst thing. Short of something perfect and romantic, I think this is what you want a first date to be. It was casual and fun and I would go out with him again if he asked me. Edited to add that guy #2 is 2 years older than me.

 

The date with guy #3 is on hold because he has a work thing tomorrow and I am not going to meet him earlier (5pm) or later (11pm) even though he asked. Guys can be ridiculous.

Edited by aradia22
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Aradia22 - how were the dates left off?  Did you make plans with either of them to go out again?

 

Regarding date#3 - who the hell wants to go on a first date at 11pm?  Carrie from Sex & the City aside, because I think her first date w/the Russian was at like 2am. 

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Aradia22 - how were the dates left off?  Did you make plans with either of them to go out again?

 

Regarding date#3 - who the hell wants to go on a first date at 11pm?  Carrie from Sex & the City aside, because I think her first date w/the Russian was at like 2am.

Date #1- Again, he left me but he told me to message him that I got home safe. I did and also said thanks for keeping me company. He messaged "sure thing" and that was the end of that.

 

Date #2- He asked for my number and I gave it to him at the end of the date. He had texted me by the time I got home so I had his number.

 

Date #3- THANK YOU.

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Date #1- Again, he left me but he told me to message him that I got home safe. I did and also said thanks for keeping me company. He messaged "sure thing" and that was the end of that.

Date #2- He asked for my number and I gave it to him at the end of the date. He had texted me by the time I got home so I had his number.

Date #3- THANK YOU.

Your date #2 sounds great! Good for you! Kinda hoping to hear some follow up on when you all go out again! May I be superficial and ask if he was good looking and/or well dressed? For research purposes.

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Your date #2 sounds great! Good for you! Kinda hoping to hear some follow up on when you all go out again! May I be superficial and ask if he was good looking and/or well dressed? For research purposes.

He wasn't like "wow"/male model/actor attractive which can happen when you live in NY. But I thought he was attractive. Certainly better than I was expecting from his photos. He dressed pretty casually but not sloppily. I was much the same. We went to a place that might have been a student bar and we knew we were planning to play pool or ping pong so it wasn't really even an occasion for business casual.

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He wasn't like "wow"/male model/actor attractive which can happen when you live in NY. But I thought he was attractive. Certainly better than I was expecting from his photos. He dressed pretty casually but not sloppily. I was much the same. We went to a place that might have been a student bar and we knew we were planning to play pool or ping pong so it wasn't really even an occasion for business casual.

Yeah- that's kind of what I meant. Like did he have an overall good style and sounds likes he does. Yay!

Also impressed how you just jumped in with two feet to this. And managed to line up four dates, haha! Keep us posted- I'm living vicariously through this!

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Guy #4 also asked to reschedule for next weekend. We shall see. I'm not sure about my Thanksgiving plans yet.

 

Also impressed how you just jumped in with two feet to this. And managed to line up four dates, haha! Keep us posted- I'm living vicariously through this!

This is my first time on okc but my second dating site. One thing I've learned is that it's really not difficult to get dates. Going on dates with someone you're actually interested in and have a connection with is another thing. Stay tuned for guys #5 and #6 next week. (If it goes past a first date, I'll give them nicknames so it's less confusing.)

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So, I actually had a good time on my match date on Friday.  We met up at this small little bar, they only had like 6 items on the menu and I don't eat red meat, so my options were pretty limited but I had the shrimp tacos and they were very good. 

 

My date looks a little "dorky" in his profile pictures, but he was okay looking.  I was not lusting over him, but I felt that there was decent enough chemistry that it could grow.  Conversation was good.  He's 7 years older than me and I wasn't sure if there would be a generational divide among us.  That's always my worry when I date older guys.  I'm in my mid-thirties, but I feel like I still have younger tastes in music...etc

 

He just finished medical school (was a social worker for many years before that) and is a 1st year resident now in his early 40s.  So, he didn't have my #, so he messaged me from match later that night.  I had his # and texted him shortly afterward - just thanking him for dinner and saying that I had a great time.  He responded to my text.

 

So, that's where we left off.  So, I'm horrible at reading people, so I don't know if he actually liked me or if he was just being polite.  Haven't heard from him since.

 

I have tentative plans to meet up with a guy (younger) from OKC sometime this week.

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Not sure what the rules are about following up these days...back when I was dating, if you met someone on the weekend or went out with them they tended not to call to set up the next date until Tuesday or Wednesday.  Logic being you didn't want to wait til the last minute when they would already have plans and you didn't want to follow up too soon and appear to eager.  Then he picked you up in a Flintstone powered car...

 

But since he's a first year resident, I imagine that his work load is not normal so that may make an irregular schedule.

 

Keep us posted!

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I'm so excited for you guys.  The good stuff sounded, good.  :P

 

Dk what happens if you're bad at reading and he's bad at reading, does it just kind of fizzle out?  would you call if he didn't?

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He's 7 years older than me and I wasn't sure if there would be a generational divide among us.  That's always my worry when I date older guys.  I'm in my mid-thirties, but I feel like I still have younger tastes in music...etc

That's nowhere near enough years between you to be concerned just by the number in my opinion. I look at compatibility between people in their thirties and forties not so much as hard numbers as stages of life.  When it's 29 versus 22, there is an excellent chance the two people are in different stages of their adult life. By the time you move that forward by ten years, you start to get more compatibility.

 

It's not too difficult to find a 35 year old and a 45 year old who both have children that are the same age.  If you've got a couple kids in elementary school and somebody ten years older than you also has children in elementary school, that's probably going to put you in the same mind-set about life regardless of your ages.

 

On the other hand, the 35 year old could be interested in starting a family with the right person, and the 45 year old could have two teenagers and not even remotely want to deal with raising more children.  

 

Or you could leave children completely out of the equation and still end up with the younger one looking for adventure and the older one looking at retirement plans or vice versa.  

 

That's just my two cents. Age difference becomes less and less likely to be an indicator of compatibility as we go along.

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Not sure what the rules are about following up these days...back when I was dating, if you met someone on the weekend or went out with them they tended not to call to set up the next date until Tuesday or Wednesday.

My opinion is that it doesn't matter. Forget "rules." Think about what kind of relationship you want to have because you are the two people who are creating that relationship, not anyone else. I don't want to have to worry about who texts first or who asks the other person out on a date or whatever the case may be. So I just do what I feel like doing. If you start out playing games, you'll keep doing so. That said, I'm awful about texting. It's actually part of my profile. I mostly set dates and talk to people in person. I have no interest in constantly texting anyone. 

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I'm so excited for you guys.  The good stuff sounded, good.  :P

 

Dk what happens if you're bad at reading and he's bad at reading, does it just kind of fizzle out?  would you call if he didn't?

I'm so chicken.  I don't know what to do, I figure at this point if he hasn't contacted me then he's not interested.  I'm terribly afraid of rejection.  I'm so happy I'm not a guy, I could not deal with this.

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I'm so chicken.  I don't know what to do, I figure at this point if he hasn't contacted me then he's not interested.  I'm terribly afraid of rejection.  I'm so happy I'm not a guy, I could not deal with this.

 

He could be sitting around thinking the same thing.  Then how are we ever gonna find out if you two are bershert?

Edited by ZaldamoWilder
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I'm so chicken.  I don't know what to do, I figure at this point if he hasn't contacted me then he's not interested.  I'm terribly afraid of rejection.  I'm so happy I'm not a guy, I could not deal with this.

Shaking my head. You can't put it all on the guy. I say that as a feminist and also as someone who makes things happen. I asked out my date to prom. I asked out the first guy I ever went out with. It's not a big deal. Just do it. The worst thing that could happen is that he says no which is one of the best (and worst) things about online dating because there are 50 guys waiting to take his place.

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The beauty of text ... send a quick message and see what happens.  Maybe mention something he was interested in (like a writer - You said you enjoyed blahblahblah - have you checked out yaddayaddayadda by Y?).  Or, get out of your comfort zone and suggest a follow up get together for something casual.

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