Online Dating: Swiping Right Or Left?

[aradia22]

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how you doing , do you like small talk or you want me to tell you exactly what I'm thinking (promise it's nothing wild yet)

New first message. Not the worst but this person does not appeal to me in the slightest so I'm not engaging. 

[aradia22]

OK, I'm not mad but tell me this isn't some nonsense.

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My self-summary

Quiet, easy to talk to and amazing listener. Looking to make new friends

(a bunch of messages exchanged... small talk)

HIM: Also sorry if I'm being straightforward but what are you looking for using this app?

I don't want either of us to get hurt or lead on

ME: No, I prefer you being straightforward. I would put it this way. I'm not looking to be mistreated or to hook up immediately. But I'm also not looking to jump into monogamy. I have low expectations. I just want to meet someone nice and go on a date and see what happens. I find that's the easiest way to tell if there's chemistry.

HIM: Omg of course I hope no one mistreats you or anyone, thats horrible and not right

I was in a relationship but we broke up couple weeks ago, so I'm definitely not looking for a relationship at the moment I just wanna meet new people and have fun along the way

I'm definitely down to meet if your want.... Like we can go to a Broadway show lol

(a bunch of texts arranging a date Tuesday)

Today

HIM: Hey I'm sorry but I'm not looking for anything right now, I'm just trying to get over my ex and have sex. My ex has gotten over me really quick and I'm still depressed about her. And I know you want to go on dates and stuff like that to and all which I'm not really ready for I guess

Sorry if all this planning was a waste of time

I don't understand why he would waste his time or mine. He knew he just wanted to hook up. But he pretended he wanted to go on a date. Why???

[DeLurker]

He's still an open wound, but thought he was scabbing over.

I'd guess he heard through the grapevine that ex is seriously moved on already and that caused him to shift into hook up mode to soothe some jangled emotions.

Frustrating for you, but I'd appreciate his candor about what his head space is before you met.

[aradia22]

New first message

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i always like extra curvy. its very cute (emoji)

Not that it matters but no real photo and no self-summary. Begone!

[aradia22]

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He's still an open wound, but thought he was scabbing over.

I'd guess he heard through the grapevine that ex is seriously moved on already and that caused him to shift into hook up mode to soothe some jangled emotions.

Frustrating for you, but I'd appreciate his candor about what his head space is before you met.

Maybe you're more charitable than I am, but I really don't think that's it.

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ME: That's OK. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing so great. It's tough when things are imbalanced like that.

HIM: I'm just gonna be upfront.... Do you wanna have meaningless sex?

ME: No, thank you

Given the way he wrote one sentence for his profile I was wary. And I think he wanted me to say I just wanted to hookup so I thought that would be the end of that. But then he acted like he wanted to take me on a date and drew things out for no reason when I could have been spending my time talking to someone else. He knew what he wanted from the beginning. I wish he'd actually been upfront and honest. 

[possibilities]

I've always thought of myself as someone with a complicated life who would be difficult to match (I have a severe disabling chronic illness so my body is a challenge on an everyday basis). But honestly, after observing the degree of psychological dysfunction and generally shitty standard of interpersonal behavior in the general population, I can truly say that I think I'm a FABULOUS catch. I would never want to date or be saddled with the kind of people/behaviors that seem to be taken for granted as normal and routinely made excuses for among the so-called normals.

[ratgirlagogo]

10 hours ago, possibilities said:

I can truly say that I think I'm a FABULOUS catch

Well, shit, girl.   I could have told you that YEARS ago. 

[possibilities]

1 hour ago, ratgirlagogo said:

Well, shit, girl.   I could have told you that YEARS ago. 

Now I'm blushing.

[JTMacc99]

On 10/2/2017 at 0:37 PM, possibilities said:

But honestly, after observing the degree of psychological dysfunction and generally shitty standard of interpersonal behavior in the general population, I can truly say that I think I'm a FABULOUS catch.

I went into this phase of my life thinking something much like this about myself. While I was thinking I should stand out because I don't exhibit a lot of psychological dysfunction and have very high standards of how to treat other people, I totally missed out on the idea that some of the people I would end up dating would be dysfunctional or have much lower standards of interpersonal behavior. Oops. Lessons have been learned. It's all progress, even if some of it stinks. 

Edited October 3, 2017 by JTMacc99
Stinks may be a bit of an understatement, but I'm going to stick with it.

[emma675]

Hell, I would totally date pretty much everyone in this thread. Y'all are way better catches than 99% of the people I've seen on dating sites or in the general population.

[Lantern7]

Met a lady from OKC today. Wound up going to the same place I was supposed to meet the other woman a few months back, albeit at another location. I had fun. We made each other laugh. Problem is, I usually think that I "earn" the second date, and the woman moves on, which is frustrating for me. I kinda wish I could have them do an exit interview, so I can improve any flaws I can't see.

Anyway: how long before I contact her again? She'll be coming to New York Comic Con on Friday, while I'm going all four days. I'd like to briefly see her if possible, but I'm doing coverage. Seriously, I feel like I "vibed" well with her.

[aradia22]

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Problem is, I usually think that I "earn" the second date, and the woman moves on, which is frustrating for me. 

Err... what? 

But also, contact her whenever you want. There are no rules. I wouldn't rush a second date if you're busy but waiting to text or call is dumb.

[possibilities]

I am not an expert on etiquette, but I personally would appreciate it if someone sent me a message saying they'd had a good time and hoped I did too, and they'd like to get together again if I'd like to. I wouldn't think it came off pushy or desperate. I think you can also propose a general timeframe ("next week" or whatever your idea is), so they don't think you're an obsessive stalker type wanting to see them again RIGHT NOW two seconds after saying good-bye. I think often both parties are somewhat nervous about how it went, unless it was obviously fabulous or awful.

[Lantern7]

She didn't feel a spark. She thought I was nice, but she didn't feel it. I hate when that happens. I really do. I don't think that any woman would think me spark-worthy. Of course, I understand that I'm projecting negativity, but I'm full of that. I just wanted that second date, and the hope of something more.

Understand that I'm not mad at her. She was very nice, and we had a nice back-and-forth over OKC. I'm more upset at myself feeling inadequate. I'm at an age where I've done a tiny percentage of stuff people above half my age have done already.

[aradia22]

I don't think there's anything like "earning" a second date. While it can be upsetting in the moment (especially if there's other stuff going on like ghosting or cancelling dates last minute) ultimately it's better that someone lets you go so you can find someone you will have a spark with instead of leading you on. Don't feel inadequate. You don't need to spark with everyone. Just one person. As far as experience or sexual conquests go, that's not a good way to think. None of that makes you a good person or a more worthwhile human being.

[Lantern7]

I don't really need conquest. Invasion? I'd settle for exploratory negotiations. It just sucks for me that I exit most first dates thinking I made a connection, and the woman thinks otherwise. A few years ago, I went on a speed date session at New York Comic Con. No woman was interested in getting in touch with me.

Sorry for the pity party of one. I had a suck day, and I'm really hoping it doesn't carry into the next four days.

[possibilities]

I've found that for me, the best connections I've made have been "in context" rather than when deliberately looking for a date. It's been a long time, but when I met people during various activities, that was how I made connections. Also, when introduced by mutual acquaintances.

I am probably not a role model, though, because I've been single a very long time. But when I was circulating more, that's how it worked for me.

I'm sorry it's being so hard, Lantern. I don't know you well enough to have specific advice, but I personally think instant spark is over rated. Lots of times, those things die off. It's much easier to find someone if you're looking for a superficial connection. Finding deeper foundations takes time and patience and effort and not everyone is willing to put that in. But sometimes slow burns can turn to raging fires and last a long time.

I hope you can find someone like that.

[theredhead77]

9 hours ago, Lantern7 said:

She didn't feel a spark. She thought I was nice, but she didn't feel it. I hate when that happens. I really do. I don't think that any woman would think me spark-worthy. Of course, I understand that I'm projecting negativity, but I'm full of that. I just wanted that second date, and the hope of something more.

Understand that I'm not mad at her. She was very nice, and we had a nice back-and-forth over OKC. I'm more upset at myself feeling inadequate. I'm at an age where I've done a tiny percentage of stuff people above half my age have done already.

I strongly suggest you take a good look at how you come across in person and on your dates.  Are you this down on yourself in person? Are you complaining about other women / dates / life / lack of life experiences when you're out there?  IIRC, you sent someone an introduction email listing all the concerns that you'd have out the gate. Do you focus on those during your dates?

 

Don't compare yourself to others, but if you're that hung up on what others have done vs what you think you should have done go do those things. It sounds like you want to be in a relationship because you are lonely and want to be with someone, anyone. It doesn't seem like you're ready to be in a relationship.

[DeLurker]

I don't have any first hand online dating experience, but based on what my friends have shared, it isn't easy and there are a lot of false starts on the way to meeting someone you end up wanting a relationship with.  If you so focused on the goal of a second date, you may be overlooking some deal breakers in the date for you.  You end up feeling like you failed to pass muster instead of maybe recognizing some concerns in the other person.

I'd consider doing some volunteer work - get out there and spend time helping others.  It can provide a meaningful exchange and shifts your thinking to "how can I help someone/something else?".  At the same time, the activity tends to reinforce for your own self-confidence.  I'm not all that comfortable with people, so I just submitted a volunteer application for a dog rescue group.  Find a shelter or rescue that needs help socializing animals, a local group that collects food for a food bank, any organization that can use administrative help....

[JTMacc99]

1 hour ago, DeLurker said:

I don't have any first hand online dating experience, but based on what my friends have shared, it isn't easy and there are a lot of false starts on the way to meeting someone you end up wanting a relationship with.

It can be extraordinarily impersonal. It's not just blind dating, but it's blind dating with no common friends who set you up, and therefore not even a slight outside influence on you to end things cordially. Just walk away. See ya. Back to the phone and start swiping again. 

That's just one way it's not easy.

On the other hand, it gives you easy access to people who are interested in meeting people and going on dates, and that part is great. 

Another bright side is that when dating runs it's course with a person, you probably won't see that person again as opposed to dating somebody in your extended social networks or work (::shudder::) and then crossing paths with that person fairly regularly. Fun!  

Regardless of how we meet people, there are going to be lots of starts and stops. All of us just need to figure the fuck out what WE want from dating, relationships, whatever, and then don't settle for anything less. And sometimes, the figuring out part is going to involve a bunch of trial and error, and hopefully some fun along the way to go with the disappointments.

(Can y'all tell I'm in a "what's the damn point of me wasting my time with this stuff" place? This is usually when I get an out of the blue connection that actually goes somewhere on an app, or someone I previously started something with floats back into my life for a bit completely messing me up for while. Let's root for the former.)

[aradia22]

Has anyone logged into the homepage of okc lately? I don't know if this is "new" but I just noticed a "They Also Mentioned..." search bar which is a cool feature. I have some more obscure interests or pieces of pop culture I like. It's one more way of narrowing down the overwhelming pool of potential matches. 

[Moose135]

I was there a couple of days ago, and saw all the changes they made.  I can't figure out what the hell is going on there anymore.  It seems like half the time, the "They also mentioned..." thing on the page to start isn't anything in my profile.

[aradia22]

New first message

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Hot body

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My self-summary

Special

No, thank you.

[aradia22]

@nosleepforme For the first passive-aggressive guy, don't engage. I mean do what feels right for you but if you hate him from the beginning that block (or whatever feature is on you app) is always there. Use it. 

With the second guy, I can kind of guess what's going on with him. I would say that him telling you immediately might just be honesty. Sometimes it's a thing you need to disclose so the other person knows what they're getting into. It doesn't mean he will always want to unload his emotional baggage on you. But if you feel like things are moving in that direction, you can always let him know and/or call things off if you feel like that's not the healthiest relationship for you.

[possibilities]

If you like him, and he's leaning on you too much, you can try telling him what you need (to talk about something else, to not be his sole support, or whatever it is) before breaking it off. Some people do fine if you communicate your wants and boundaries and don't rely on them to read your mind about it. Others are just hellbent on whatever behavior they've done so far, but not everyone is like that; sometimes it's just about letting them know where you're at and what does or doesn't work for you. even if it doesn't work out, I think it's good practice to be assertive like that, and able to express what you are feeling and wanting in the situation. I think it's unlikely any of us ever get it right 100% of the time, and at the beginning of a relationship it can be especially challenging.

[aradia22]

New first message

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You are so beautiful (heart eyes emoji)

Do you like clubbing or bars more?

Lol. Absolutely nothing about my profile suggests I go to clubs or bars. Goodbye.

Also I briefly engaged with a guy earlier who asked about my favorite podcasts (clearly listed on my profile) and it wasn't going anywhere so I stopped answering. 

[ratgirlagogo]

On 10/19/2017 at 5:15 AM, nosleepforme said:

And it also took me a long time to realize that when people reject you, it's got nothing to do with being adequate or inadequate.

YES YES YES.  Congratulations on getting this!  so many people don't  and it's such a source of misery.  You need to REALLY understand that YOU are the only possible place that anyone can obtain the nosleepforme experience - it will not be for everyone by definition - but for those that do want it - YOU are the ONLY person that can provide it.

Edited October 20, 2017 by ratgirlagogo

[JTMacc99]

Coffee Meets Bagel set me up with a lunch date today. She’s a clinical psychologist. Heh heh heh. Perfect. 

[DeLurker]

Working lunch for her?

[aradia22]

Not interested but curious what these emojis mean

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My self-summary

I'm loyal honest looking for serious relationships maybe more don't waist my time

First message...

Hey gorgeous Your looking adorable (wave?) (100)

I'm not going to "waist" his time. I'm not replying. He just has bad grammar/spelling. I got two messages from another guy that made me quickly realize he wasn't just lazy with his profile... he really doesn't speak English that well. 

[JTMacc99]

12 hours ago, DeLurker said:

Working lunch for her?

Nice thing about being the person I am is that even the people who help others tend to unload their own personal shit on me.  Nobody, regardless of their education and occupation is free from their own issues. 

[aradia22]

Did a movie come out that I don't know about? Maybe it's because I'm looking for a non-smoker but I feel like guys posing with cigars in their mouths has become the new posing with a tiger.

[DeLurker]

On 10/19/2017 at 4:15 AM, nosleepforme said:

I had my first really negative experience on a dating app last week where I had a very unpleasant conversation with a guy on a dating app, who would just be overly passive-aggressive. I gave him a "like", but then he'd ask me why I only gave him a "like" and not chatted him up instead. The conversation turned into a real argument and then eventually he ended up wishing me "fun with all the other guys I was meeting on this app" and told me that he didn't understand "what was wrong with you gays".

<snip>

This guy that I've went on a couple of dates with though, it seemed to go really well, but I feel like communication is already somewhat breaking down too. For some reason that always seems to happen after the third date. But at the same time, he told me something very personal about himself that you wouldn't just tell to anyone, so I'm not quite sure where we stand. Honestly, what he told me also freaked me out a little bit, because it was just such a big thing and while I think it's great that he trusts me with it, it made me realize that he's going through an immensely hard time and that he's at a place where he is incredibly vulnerable. Thus, I'm wary of him possibly becoming reliant on me, because I've had friends and family members in the past for whom I became somewhat of an emotional garbage can and that is not something that I want to repeat right now. I mean, I knew he was dealing with depression before i even went on a first date with him, but I didn't know the extend of it and what it was that caused it. Knowing about some of it now, it does changes how I feel about it.  I do like him though and I'm not one to reject someone because they deal with depression and other things, but it does make me a little bit more cautious. But as with most things, it's wait and see where it goes. He's a sweet guy.

 

Belated response to this...passive-aggressive guy strikes me as still not being comfortable with his own sexuality hence the "you gays" when he is on an app that indicates he's gay.  I wouldn't take it personally as I think he'd react the same way with most people who might respond.

Have things progressed with the guy who shared some pretty big confidence with you?  If you know someone has something substantial going on in their life, I don't think it is selfish to be wary of how that might effect how your relationship develops.  Is he getting outside support to help him work through it*, whatever it might be?  Because if he is, maybe he's managed to compartmentalize it so it doesn't run amuck all over the other parts of his life. 

*You seem to take great care to not disclose what someone else has told you in confidence or what they might consider personal, even on an anonymous board.  I find that very telling about what kind of person you are.

[JTMacc99]

On 10/20/2017 at 6:08 PM, ratgirlagogo said:

YES YES YES.  Congratulations on getting this!  so many people don't  and it's such a source of misery.  You need to REALLY understand that YOU are the only possible place that anyone can obtain the nosleepforme experience - it will not be for everyone by definition - but for those that do want it - YOU are the ONLY person that can provide it.

I think even a person with tons of self confidence takes a little hit when he or she gets rejected. I know I do.

I also know that it takes two people to make a couple work. And if one has no interest, then that's that. Their loss, your gain. 

Sometimes you'd like to spend a little more time exploring before you make the call to go your separate ways. I think those are the times where I take the hit; it's the times where in my head, I wasn't done yet. 

[aradia22]

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She met up with a guy on Tinder for a date and they just took a walk and wanted to sit down somewhere to drink. 

That has always been a horrible date suggestion for me. I'm sorry your friend went through that. I hope she's doing okay. 

[aradia22]

New first message

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lm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together lol how are you

An actual pick up line

[aradia22]

New first message

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Salut la belle u look amazing

Ur beauty is incredible

What is it about words that include "you" that people find so difficult to type out? 

[aradia22]

New first message

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Your profile is thoughtful and well-written!

Thank you? I can't tell if this is condescending or not. Anyway, I'm not attracted to him plus he's "seeing someone" so I'm not going to engage and write back. 

[aradia22]

I'm in a weird game right now. A very attractive guy messaged me. He told me that I was pretty and wanted to exchange numbers immediately. Part of it is insecurity doubt and part of it is just thinking this is weird behavior so my mind immediately went... scammer? harrasser? sender of unsolicited dick pics? I asked if he wanted to take me out and where he'd take me and he played along. So if he's a scambot, he's one that can think because he was able to respond. He gave me his number which seems like a Skype or Google Voice number. I was going to give him my Google Voice number too (the one I use for work). I feel like I'm OK to do that, right? I feel like him giving me his number increases the chances that he's not a scammer and at worst is just a dude who wants to hook up. 

Side note: He is objectively very attractive but not exactly my type. I'm not really that into blondes. 

[JTMacc99]

18 hours ago, aradia22 said:

I feel like I'm OK to do that, right? I feel like him giving me his number increases the chances that he's not a scammer and at worst is just a dude who wants to hook up. 

Side note: He is objectively very attractive but not exactly my type. I'm not really that into blondes. 

Yes, I think it's okay to do that. You can be wary but at the same point explore a little further to see what's up.  We've been at this game long enough to know when to proceed cautiously.

 

And on your side note, sometimes attractive is attractive regardless of our types. If you do get together and move forward, you will find specific little things that you'll find yourself thinking about. It could be a smile, the crinkle of a an eye when he smiles, and the blonde features will just become a thing that you realize works for him.

[aradia22]

So yeah... some kind of weird scam. He came back after 2 days with a new, almost identical screenname. Same photos. But now his name is (redacted) when it used to be (redacted). Let's just say the first name was Alex and the second one is Jordan. 

WHAT IS THE PLAN HERE? The photos didn't turn up anything on a reverse google image search but I'm guessing they're the photos of a random Instagram model or something.

[JTMacc99]

9 hours ago, aradia22 said:

WHAT IS THE PLAN HERE?

I have yet to figure that one out myself. What exactly is the plan for the fake profiles? Are they just trying to lead people on to make them feel bad? Are they trying to get to a point where a person thinks he or she is in a relationship and then see if they can "borrow" money?  I do know that it's usually really easy for somebody my age to spot. I typically don't get a lot of interest from pretty 29 year old women with generic profiles.

[JTMacc99]

On 10/31/2017 at 11:03 PM, aradia22 said:

So yeah... some kind of weird scam.

I got one yesterday. I'm not currently sending out messages, taking some time off to sort out other stuff, but I got a hello from a lady who was cute enough, reasonably local, and had a generic profile.  So I said hi back and made reference to something she wrote. No acknowledgement of anything I said or reference to what is in my profile, but instead a question "So Jone, [not my name which I had given in the previous note, so off to a shaky start] What do you look for in a woman?"

I gave a short answer and a quick joke.

I get back a LONG note saying stuff like "I'm 5'9", average build." "I've been alone for two years and believe in LOVE." "I was born and raised in Ghana. My mother is Ghanaian, my father is Canadian." And so on. 

The Ghana thing is the giant SCAM flag. This game would, I assume, end with a request to wire some money to Africa. 

[aradia22]

I mean, I looked it up and they can get stuff from your phone number but it's mostly just getting you signed up to be cold-called by those robocall services or other stuff that depends on also having your name, address, etc.

[theredhead77]

6 hours ago, JTMacc99 said:

I got one yesterday. I'm not currently sending out messages, taking some time off to sort out other stuff, but I got a hello from a lady who was cute enough, reasonably local, and had a generic profile.  So I said hi back and made reference to something she wrote. No acknowledgement of anything I said or reference to what is in my profile, but instead a question "So Jone, [not my name which I had given in the previous note, so off to a shaky start] What do you look for in a woman?"

I gave a short answer and a quick joke.

I get back a LONG note saying stuff like "I'm 5'9", average build." "I've been alone for two years and believe in LOVE." "I was born and raised in Ghana. My mother is Ghanaian, my father is Canadian." And so on. 

The Ghana thing is the giant SCAM flag. This game would, I assume, end with a request to wire some money to Africa. 

Sounds entertaining. Play along and report back :-D

[JTMacc99]

25 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Sounds entertaining. Play along and report back :-D

Oh dear god no. I reported it and that was that. 

[Lantern7]

I'm getting back on the (figurative) horse. Is OKC that full of asshole guys? If that's the case, I might just bail out, because women would be quitting OKC, and my chances to meet somebody would grow even bleaker. I don't consider myself to be perfect-perfect, but I'm not a raging buttmunch.

[theredhead77]

@Lantern7 if you are truly serious about meeting someone I suggest checking out eHarmony, speed dating or a match-making service. There are fake profiles on eHarmony too but OKC is ripe with bots and fake profiles.

[possibilities]

Does eHarmony still have a ban on same sex matching?

[Lantern7]

Outlook: Hey, news from OKCupid. Somebody likes you!

Me: Dude! Let's take a look . . .

OKCupid: Hey, that profile doesn't exist.

Me: Well, the ten seconds of hope were nice.