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DkNNy79

Online Dating: The good, the bad and the ugly

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Anyone have any online dating success stories?  I've gone out with various guys that I've met online (Eharmony, Match, OkCupid), but alas am still single. 

 

So any success stories to keep my spirits up?

Any horror stories for us to have a chuckle over?

 

I've only had one weirdo, who was obsessed with having a baby with me and we hadn't even met up yet.

My co-worker has met some guys who like went off on her when she declined a second date.

 

Also, what things in a person's profile will make you automatically "decline" them? 

For me, if a guy has shirtless pics (especially if they're flexing) because that just seems douchey/vain to me.

If they don't want kids - that's a deal breaker for me.  I don't have any kids and would like to have some one day.

If they don't have a profile pic and/or all they have is a pic and no information about themselves.

 

If they have kids  - I'm just not looking to date someone with kids.  Kids = baby mama.  Baby mama = drama, usually.  If I met this person through another venue (at a bar, event...etc) and start chatting them up and later found out they had more kids, then I might be open to dating them.  But I feel like online dating lets you be more choosey.  But then again, maybe that's a bad thing.

 

Pet Peeves:

I hate is when they message you and say "hey."  That's it, that's all you have to say to me?

When guys in their early to mid-20s message me.  I'm in my mid-thirties and am looking for a relationship and not hookups.  I just don't think that's what guys in their early to mid-20s are looking for.  Am I being wrong for dismissing them so fast?


Moderator: Can we change the thread title?  I am totally using the same name for the family topic thread and it didn't occur to me.  Sorry!

Edited by DkNNy79
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I tried eHarmony, but the majority of my matches were at least a thousand miles from me and none of them expressed an interest in meeting me.  They slammed the proverbial door.  Hard not to get a little upset over that since I had hoped to meet a better quality of man there. 

 

 

Any horror stories for us to have a chuckle over?

 

 

There was this one guy who claimed he loved me on our second date.  I just knew something was up - I think he was looking for a green card. 

 

Also, what things in a person's profile will make you automatically "decline" them?

 

 

I try to be open, but I'm always wary of the ones who claim:

 

  • They're looking for a soulmate.  Most guys hear this term but truly don't know what it means.  If anything they think they can lure desperate chicks to them by letting them think they're romantic.

 

  • The ones who are specific about height and weight.  I prefer ads mentioning, "weight proportionate to height" since not every girl who weighs 150lbs carries it the same.

 

  • "Friends first" or "No games" or "open minded".  

 

  • Never married but are over 40.  This seems to hint at commitment issues and possible a problem with maturity since it's a great responsibility to marry and have a family .

 

  • Ones that still live with their parents after 30 (unless they're Italian!  I know of which I speak).

 

  • Guys in a hurry to start a relationship.  Why the rush?

 

  • Definitely shirtless pix or shower or gym pix.  He's showing off and thinks his smoking bod is all he needs to bring you to him.  You'll be fighting for the mirror before long and he'll likely be flirting with every pretty girl he sees.

 

  • Guys who don't put any effort into their profiles or add photos.  You have as much right to see if you're attracted to him as he might be to you. 

 

 

I don't have any kids and would like to have some one day.

 

 

As do I.  I recommend you freeze your eggs if you can. 

 

As for guys with kids, I definitely am against dating a dad unless his kids are (nearly) grown and gone.  Younger ones are already messed up to a degree due to the split, and not having both their parents' around full time.  Add in the vengeful  exes who may try to sabotage you or turn his children against him, or drag him into court, or the kids get attached to you but you're not going to stay with him, and you realize this isn't what you signed up for.   Of course some families are different but I'd tread lightly if you meet someone with kids.  It also helps to find out why they aren't together - sometimes it's not the ex-wife's fault. 

 

I hate is when they message you and say "hey."  That's it, that's all you have to say to me?

 

 

Agreed.   He should make the effort to shoot off a note of some kind.  "Hey" is just being lazy.

 

 

When guys in their early to mid-20s message me.  I'm in my mid-thirties and am looking for a relationship and not hookups.  I just don't think that's what guys in their early to mid-20s are looking for.  Am I being wrong for dismissing them so fast?

 

 

It depends.  Some guys are attracted to older women because they're more mature and focused compared to some 20 something girls.  Others are looking for a hookup because they've heard about how "older chicks" are "hot to trot" (we are, but that's not what you want to relationship to be).  I think it would be better to get someone between 28 and 40.  Also, it's best to let them contact you rather than you contacting them first.  It's sort of like when you're at a party and the guy walks up to you to ask you to dance.  You don't want to be the girl he didn't want to approach him.

 

Above all else, do not settle into a "friends with benefits" relationship.  You are not a toy he plays with for a while then puts back on the shelf when he wants something else. 

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My therapist suggested I try online dating and it has been...something. I didn't respond to one person's message in a timely enough manner for him (apparently). He sent me a message that said, "I'm going to assume you're not interested." Okay, assume that. That's fine. Not correct, but fine. The fact that you sent me an embittered message about it is.....something.

 

I quipped: "I'm not a beach person (which is hard in this town!)" and one genius sent me a message, "lol, not a beach person in a beach town." Uh, is there an echo in here? What's your point, guy?

 

There's another who, unlike the first, has not grasped my obvious disinterest. Or the appropriate use of apostrophes. He keeps sending me "lets talk," messages. I live in a small, rural town (not by choice) and I actually see this guy all the time. He's not attractive to me and much older than I am.  I can tell he's trying to get up the gumption to talk to me but I would much rather that he not.

 

I've also found that guys will be like, "I'm at x place tonight, let's have a drink!" after like, one exchange of messages. Or they'll want to text me immediately. And I think, "how is that different than sending messages on this site? Either way, it's typing!" No, you can't have my number.

 

I also tried OkCupid and told my therapist (about their 40,000 matchmaker questions) : "If I knew the answer to all of them, I might as well give up on life, because I've learned everything there is  to know about myself."

 

Personal fact: The last relationship I had with a guy was abusive, and I think I'm just....not into guys. In any event, this online dating thing is not selling me on them.

Edited by AltLivia

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Haven't tried it myself, but based on my friends tales...

 

Several of my friends have tried Match with varying degrees of success.  They live in the Los Angeles area so there are LOTS of profiles up, but more than once one has been winked at or otherwise flirted with by a guy another friend was already dating through the site.  The guy did not know they knew each other and their profiles had liitle in common but....

 

Most of them did end up having at least one relationship through Match, but nothing was ever developed into a significant relationship.

 

One friend's ex-husband out up a profile on Eharmony, went out on a date with the first girl who contacted him, it turned serious and they married.  He's a good guy although very average in appearance and a touch bland in personality, but with a really good job.  He's a big deal actuary but only listed himself as an accountant. 

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A friend of mine thinks the rise of Tinder and Grindr etc are helping get the less serious people off Match.

I have no experience with any site but Match.

People are people. Some feel entitled and have a chip on their shoulder.

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So any success stories to keep my spirits up?

 

I met and dated a really good person on Match. We had a few things in common and enjoyed our time together for a couple months before deciding that we probably weren't going to move forward into anything more serious.  It was definitely a positive experience, and I am glad to have met her. I am pretty sure she feels the same way.

 

I think where the online aspect of it came into play was giving us a chance to gauge if there was anything going on between the ears.  I'm sure my fine use of punctuation and full sentences was very impressive given what I hear about the rest of my kind.

Edited by JTMacc99
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I have a funny Match story, from a few years back, I haven't done online dating in awhile. I chatted with a guy very briefly & we agreed to meet for dinner. I wasn't sure if I was interested, but I figured I could get through an hour long dinner even if it sucked. I did, but a major lesson learned. We met at Olive Garden & within a few minutes I knew I wanted out. I told him I had been sick the day before & might have to leave early & even acted as though I felt a bit ill still. He seemed so eager & excited that I didn't have the heart to tell him this just wouldn't work & we didn't need to waste our time on dinner. Another lesson learned. He wasn't a bad guy just boring & slightly dumb & seemed to only want to talk about Disney World. That in itself was odd & slightly annoying, but what really did me in was the fact that when he sat down he made a point of carefully removing his gum, squishing it into his preferred square shape & placing it on the table next to his water glass to save for later. He explained this to me in detail as he did it. I guess I was wrong. He liked talking about Disney World AND gum.

As we got up to leave I noticed that he left no tip. I had tried to convince him to that I would pay for my own food, but it was becoming an argument. I had thought that might be the case which is why I tried to find something inexpensive to order (soup). I pretended that I was feeling bad again, excused myself to the bathroom & told him to go on when he offered to wait for me. A few minutes later I snuck out of the bathroom, found the waitress & gave her a tip. She offered to go check the parking lot & make sure he wasn't waiting outside & I took her up on that.

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Wow, what an odd duck.

 

I'm sorry, but that would totally turn me off if a guy I was on a date with didn't leave a tip. 

 

When I'm on a first date with a guy that I know I'm not interested in, I will always insist on splitting the bill.

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I met the man I'm dating now on Match. So far, so good. He flat out said last night he doesn't like cheap people. I don't either. I'm all for living in your means but that would mean going to restaurants one can afford- tip included!!

I like Match. Yes, I've met people by email and in person who ended up being weird, imo. But, you also get a chance to write out things about yourself one would be nervous saying to someone you just met in a grocery store, for example, but are still important.

It's just so important imo to put it all out there at least in a vague, but telling, way. My tip would be to try meeting people outside the norm just to see but never forget your top non-negotiables. Remember, you *can* fall in love with anyone.

Yep, I mean...I've only known the man I'm seeing about 6 wks, but he's invited me to Puerto Vallarta at the end of this month/beginning of July. Unless something weird happens, I think I'm going to go. He meets every important criteria I have and makes me very comfortable. I met a couple other men last year who were "fine." But, I don't want fine.

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Just read a brief artilce in New Scientist that talked about how easy it was for these sites to be hacked into and your personal information revealed.  I couldn't link to the article because I am not a subscriber, but I did find this from a Washington Post Blog from May 2015.  Excerpt:

 

Back in 2013, the Verge reported a security gaffe with OkCupid's "login instantly" feature that could allow people to access their friends' accounts if they were forwarded an e-mail from the service. Just last month, Ars Technica reported that Match.com wasn't encrypting users' login credentials -- leaving them vulnerable to snooping if users logged in to the site from a public network, for example. And other dating sites have suffered actual data breaches -- including eHarmony, from which more than a million user passwords were stolen in 2012.

 

Using mobile devices changes your security risks too.

 

Anyway...just something to consider since a lot of the sites have pretty extensive questionnairres and have credit card info.

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Usually they offer different plans -maybe  a trial subscription of 3-6 months to one year.  If you're satisfied, they  keep billing you until you terminate. 

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Usually they offer different plans -maybe  a trial subscription of 3-6 months to one year.  If you're satisfied, they  keep billing you until you terminate. 

The tricky part is figuring out how long you have to be dating somebody before you shut it down. There is a pretty small window there between "It's a pain in the butt to cancel it, so I'll just let it renew for another month" and "How come you haven't shut down your dating profile yet?"

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I figure the best time to cancel is when you get engaged - ring and a date!  That way you're sure you won't need to keep on looking.

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If you met through a site, I would leave it up until you and the other person mutually agree to take them down.

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I use OkCupid and its free.  You can get premium services for $$, but I am okay with the free version for now.  Its okay, I haven't been super happy about the guys that message me.  I was gonna give it another month or so and try Match again after that.

 

I've met one guy that I really liked and we've gone on a few dates.  Communication was great when we started and kinda started dwindling.  I did let him know how I felt and he said he was going to try to be better, but when things didn't improve I ended it.

 

So, a month later he texts me and asks if we can try again, this is after we text for a few days, diagnosing why things didn't work out previously.  He apologizes about the way he was, says this is a problem of his.  So, we're going to try again and we've agreed to communicate more when we're not happy.  So, we'll see.

 

I would cancel when you've agreed to be exclusive.

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Awwww, online dating..... I've been on a few dating sites (POF, OkCupid).... I've had some interesting + non-interesting times.... I actually met the love of my life on POF + been together for 2 years.... I am surprised I have never been catfished..... But, there is one time, I was hanging out with a skeezy guy who I had met on OKC.... I made it clear that I wasn't going to hook up with him, but I just wanted to get out of the house.... So, we went over to his house started drinking.... We were there for like an hour or so then he puts on Showgirls.... That should have been a red flag for me, but I was like "whatever" @ the time.... He tried to ask me to blow him to ,which, I straight up said "No"..... Then, he tried to ask if I wanted him to blow me + I said, "Nah"  I'm not sure how he would think that I might want him to blow me if I didn't want to do it to him.... And, soon later, I made him take me home, which, he did.... A few months later, he tried to message me saying we should hang out again since it was fun the first time.... LOL was that really fun with me rejecting him? I am so glad I don't have to deal with that no more....LOL

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I got somewhat of a funny story.... The last guy that I met via online dating turned out to have "dated" my older sister in 7th grade as in held hands + made out.... i even remembered meeting him for the first time when I was a kid.... My sister made me go with her to meet him @ the mall because my parents didn't let us have boyfriends + I was her "cover" I was all pissed because I wanted to stay home + watch TV, but no, I had to go with my sister to meet with her "bf" @ the mall.... Fast forward to 2 years ago, we meet + tripped hard when we realized that he used to date my older sister.... So, I naturally got more curious to want to hang out with guy more.... The more + more we hung out, the more we developed feelings for each other + started dating.... We have been together ever since.... If all goes well, this be a funny story to tell to the kids....

 

And, I understand why maybe some people are wary of dating single parents.... But, I happen to be a single parent myself + it sucks being rejected over the fact that you have a kid.... My current bf almost didn't want to get serious with me because he was like that before he met me.... I'm glad he decided to give us a chance after I talked him into it.... I like to think when it comes down to it, if you feel like you met the right person then them having a kid(s) is something you would be willing want to work with....

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Yes, exactly. I'm pregnant and have found a seemingly great guy. It's early on, but there are people out there with all kinds of wants and criteria. All I need is one person who understands and likes me.

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I feel like sometimes when people say they are iffy about being with a single parents or whenever I got rejected for being one; it's almost like the universe trying to say, "Hey, this is what you get for leaving your kid's/kids' father/mother. You broke up your family" And, then, I'm like, "Yeah, let me get back with the baby daddy + be miserable as fuck.... FUCK THAT SHIT!" I am probably crazy for thinking that....;-x

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I'm happy for you gals that have found someone and I hope you didn't take it as a diss in anyway at all regarding folks with kids.  I'm sure I'm missing out on a lot of great guys that way, but at this stage in my life I just prefer a guy without kids.  I guess its being a little selfish so that I don't have to share him with anyone else.


So, I hope folks don't mind if we also use this topic for dating advice as well.

 

What do you do about a guy who has canceled on you multiple times?  Either he has the worst luck in the world or he's playing me.  I don't know what to do.

 

Before him I don't think I've ever had a guy cancel on me before.  His reasons seem valid but it just gets frustrating.

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I'm happy for you gals that have found someone and I hope you didn't take it as a diss in anyway at all regarding folks with kids.  I'm sure I'm missing out on a lot of great guys that way, but at this stage in my life I just prefer a guy without kids.  I guess its being a little selfish so that I don't have to share him with anyone else.

So, I hope folks don't mind if we also use this topic for dating advice as well.

 

What do you do about a guy who has canceled on you multiple times?  Either he has the worst luck in the world or he's playing me.  I don't know what to do.

 

Before him I don't think I've ever had a guy cancel on me before.  His reasons seem valid but it just gets frustrating.

 

It's all good.... Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.... I was just saying how the subject made me felt.... And, I can understand how people might not want to be with someone who already has their own kid(s).... 

 

As in about a guy cancelling on you multiple times, it depends.... How often has he cancelled on you? Was it one date after another? Or did he actually come through in between the cancellations? And, what his reasons for cancelling? if you don't mind answering....

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Grandma was in the hospital

Work

Weather (snow)

He had an allergic reaction to something (sent me a pic)

Cousin was in the hospital

 

He does come through in between the cancellations.  Obviously those are all valid, but its just so odd/frustrating because we've only known each other a few months. 

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Has he cancel on you more than showing up? What is your gut telling you? When he cancels on you, does he talk about what happened? For example, if he cancelled a date because of a relative being in hospital, does he say how it made him feel or elaborates on what happened? Did I make sense with last question....

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What do you do about a guy who has canceled on you multiple times?  Either he has the worst luck in the world or he's playing me.

 

 

 

Who makes the dates in the first place - him or you?

 

Are your plans made on the spot or days in advance?

 

To me it seems he’s blowing you off when he doesn’t have anything better set up.  One or two excuses  I can buy (stuff happens),  but it seems strange how these things keep popping up when you both had plans.  Maybe when he tries to set up a date, you should tell him that you have plans one time to see if he’s desperate to reschedule for YOU.  Don’t tell them what they are, just say, something came up or I have a lot going on this week and see how he reacts.  If he’s really into you, he’ll make the effort to see you.  Otherwise, he’s not serious about you and you’ll have to prepare to move on.

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To me it seems he’s blowing you off when he doesn’t have anything better set up.  One or two excuses  I can buy (stuff happens),  but it seems strange how these things keep popping up when you both had plans.  Maybe when he tries to set up a date, you should tell him that you have plans one time to see if he’s desperate to reschedule for YOU.  Don’t tell them what they are, just say, something came up or I have a lot going on this week and see how he reacts.  If he’s really into you, he’ll make the effort to see you.  Otherwise, he’s not serious about you and you’ll have to prepare to move on.

 

This is definitely something you should try.... I personally have done this + it worked.... You should always get a potential boyfriend to make plans with you ahead of time because that shows he wants to take you seriously.... It's okay to make last-minute plans every once in awhile, but dates should be planned ahead 90% of the time.... 

Edited by OrientalAmish
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I'm happy for you gals that have found someone and I hope you didn't take it as a diss in anyway at all regarding folks with kids.  I'm sure I'm missing out on a lot of great guys that way, but at this stage in my life I just prefer a guy without kids.  I guess its being a little selfish so that I don't have to share him with anyone else.

So, I hope folks don't mind if we also use this topic for dating advice as well.

 

What do you do about a guy who has canceled on you multiple times?  Either he has the worst luck in the world or he's playing me.  I don't know what to do.

 

Before him I don't think I've ever had a guy cancel on me before.  His reasons seem valid but it just gets frustrating.

Dating people with kids - it creates different challenges for both people and the age of the children make a huge difference too.  If you are not at a point in your life that you feel ready for some sort of insta-family (even on a casual basis),  I wouldn't apologize or feel bad about it.

 

As for the guy who has cancelled, what is your gut telling you about his reasons?  Are they excuses to cover just bad manners or legit?  If you think they are just cover stories (and you don't have a history of being mistrustful in relationships), I probably wouldn't invest much more time or effort.

 

I like magicdog's suggestion too, but I probably couldn't resist saying that there will be no more Excused Absences.

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Dating people with kids - it creates different challenges for both people and the age of the children make a huge difference too.  If you are not at a point in your life that you feel ready for some sort of insta-family (even on a casual basis),  I wouldn't apologize or feel bad about it.

 

i totally agree with this.... As much as it sucks to get rejected over having kids, it's better to be dumped now then later over it.... I believe you shouldn't have someone you dating meet your kid(s) until you know for sure it's serious..... I was guilty of trying to pressure my boyfriend into meeting my son earlier than he was ready to do it, but I am glad I stopped pushing him.... When they finally met, they got along really well from the get-go....I am lucky that my boyfriend is a little kid @ heart + both like car stuff.... I have made mistakes a few times where I let other guys in past hang out with my son, but I thought that things were going to be serious between the guy + myself.... But, I definitely would not have my son meeting a guy I was just having fun with.... 

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I totally agree on holding out on letting someone meet your kids. 

 

If a guy rushed introducing you, I would wonder if he was motivated more by his own interests or finding a replacement Mom role for his children.  If a guy seemed anxious to meet my children, I would wonder if he was motivated to dating single moms to gain access to their kids.  Clearly, a guy can lose multiple ways with my way of thinking.

 

Conversely, if a woman appears to anxious to meet someone's kids, I would wonder if she's trying for that insta-family and immersing herself into their lives.  I don't usually worry she's a perve, although that might be the case.

 

Things can get uncomfortable if you like the person your dating, but not his kids (it happens) or his parenting style.

 

If you've grown attached to the children and them to you, it might make it harder for you or the Dad to end the relationship even if that is the right thing to happen between the two of you.

 

So I probably given you reason never to look at a man with kids, but that wasn't my objective.  I really wanted to clarify some of the differences involved.  I know several great guys that are divorced, a couple are the primary parent too.  I know that they are very reluctant to introduce women they are dating to their kids too early.

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Thanks for all the advice.  I guess no matter how much I like him, if he's not trying to make any sort of real effort to see me or making me some sort of priority in his life then its not going to go well for me.

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My take would also be even if he's very much into you, this could be a habit of his. Imagine having a long-term partner who's that flakey. Either he's not that interested or flakey. If it's really some rare sequence of events, he should make a big gesture to prove it, imo.

Not trying to be harsh. That's just what I'd think if I were in your shoes.

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My take would also be even if he's very much into you, this could be a habit of his. Imagine having a long-term partner who's that flakey. Either he's not that interested or flakey. If it's really some rare sequence of events, he should make a big gesture to prove it, imo.

Not trying to be harsh. That's just what I'd think if I were in your shoes.

He has stated multiple times that he's very much into me, but that this is a habit of his.  Not the cancellations, but that he does sometimes get wrapped up in the day or stuff going on in his life and disappears for a couple days.  He owns it, but I guess at the end of the day, I feel like if you really like someone you will make an effort.  If you know this is a fault of yours you will try to work on it.

 

I know one of my biggest problems in relationships is communication and confrontation.  I've been trying to work on it and I feel like with him I've been more vocal then I have in the past when I'm not happy about something.

Edited by DkNNy79

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If a guy rushed introducing you, I would wonder if he was motivated more by his own interests or finding a replacement Mom role for his children.

 

So I probably given you reason never to look at a man with kids, but that wasn't my objective.  I really wanted to clarify some of the differences involved.  I know several great guys that are divorced, a couple are the primary parent too.  I know that they are very reluctant to introduce women they are dating to their kids too early.

 

Heck, each person has his or her own way of seeing things, motivations or even lack of motivations.  The fact that each person does things differently and for different reason is both part of the trouble and part of the fun with meeting new people.

 

My perspective as a father would be to hesitate introducing a woman I am dating to protect my children from developing a relationship that I'm not yet sure will go anywhere.  So, I'm talking about giving it enough time to get in enough dates to think it could go somewhere.

 

And I would go ahead introduce them not much after that, because this is my life. I can be a parent and I can be your significant other. I can do two things at the same time.

 

But that's just me. One of my good friends could find himself in this exact same scenario and his motivation absolutely could be to see if he can get himself some help taking care of his children as soon as possible. 

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I've tried so many sites I've lost count!  When I first signed up to E-harmony many moons ago, it wouldn't even let me sign up.  I guess I am too liberal.   In any case, I met my now husband on OKC (after being on that site on and off for years) and we are having a baby in September.   Lord, did I have to date some frogs.   Frogs upon frogs upon frogs.  Also the same BS with guys who would find some reason to not meet up and would go MIA for a while and then pop back up.   Ain't nobody got time for that!   My best friend met her husband online, some coworkers have met their spouses on-line (both gay and straight).   All of this is in NYC.    It's not for all, but I did it because I wanted to take control of my life and at least do something to further my desire for companionship.   It took about 6 years to meet someone.  My now husband was online for two weeks.  I was the first person he met on OKC.  He took his profile down after the 2nd date.  I was wondering what was wrong with him.   

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 My now husband was online for two weeks.  I was the first person he met on OKC.  He took his profile down after the 2nd date.  I was wondering what was wrong with him.   

 

I would diagnose his illness as SMITTEN.....;-)p

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ramble that was the most tragically hilarious thing I've ever read about a date.   Saving gum for later?  ::shudder::  though, it tracks with being miserly.

 

I'm a single parent too and I get the thing about not wanting to date parents if you don't have any kids.  Not to speak for anyone else but I've found that it's not really about the other person having kids more than it is wanting to be with someone of similar life experiences.  If they have children and you don't, that's just one huge thing they've already experienced without you.  I'm saying this all mashed up but what I mean is that people tend to look for folks they're equally yoked with.   Physical attributes, similar senses of humor, educational level maybe, life philosophy, sense of humor, etc.  You're not equal footing if only one of you's a parent.

 

 

I'm happy for you gals that have found someone and I hope you didn't take it as a diss in anyway at all regarding folks with kids.  I'm sure I'm missing out on a lot of great guys that way, but at this stage in my life I just prefer a guy without kids.  I guess its being a little selfish so that I don't have to share him with anyone else.


So, I hope folks don't mind if we also use this topic for dating advice as well.

 

What do you do about a guy who has canceled on you multiple times?  Either he has the worst luck in the world or he's playing me.  I don't know what to do.

 

Before him I don't think I've ever had a guy cancel on me before.  His reasons seem valid but it just gets frustrating.

 

I hate to sound like the Berger of the board but he doesn't have the worst luck in the world.  Men never, ever, have to be motivated or talked into doing what they want to do.  Where his words and actions are inconsistent, concentrate on actions, words can be faked, actions not so much.   The reason I wholeheartedly, even if reluctantly, believe this, is because it's been told to me by about 4 different (non romantic) dudes.

 

 

I've tried so many sites I've lost count!  When I first signed up to E-harmony many moons ago, it wouldn't even let me sign up.  I guess I am too liberal.   In any case, I met my now husband on OKC (after being on that site on and off for years) and we are having a baby in September.   Lord, did I have to date some frogs.   Frogs upon frogs upon frogs.  Also the same BS with guys who would find some reason to not meet up and would go MIA for a while and then pop back up.   Ain't nobody got time for that!   My best friend met her husband online, some coworkers have met their spouses on-line (both gay and straight).   All of this is in NYC.    It's not for all, but I did it because I wanted to take control of my life and at least do something to further my desire for companionship.   It took about 6 years to meet someone.  My now husband was online for two weeks.  I was the first person he met on OKC.  He took his profile down after the 2nd date.  I was wondering what was wrong with him.   

 

Oh. Em. Gee.  are there frogs.  Lol.   roseslg, I absolutely love your story, I'm glad you hung in there.  Congratulations about to be mommy!  DK, I don't remember seeing what market you're in but this here is, I think, a pretty good example of the patience required to date online in a major market.   I'm dating a man I met in person but before him, I was online pretty consistently.   What I've found is men simply don't read.  Not because they don't know how but they don't start from the same point of origin that women do.  So what they care about is how you look, specifically what you weigh and how old you are, if that is satisfactory, they honest to God couldn't give one shit about the rest.   I've spoken to dudes from whom it was clear never looked at one written word of my profile, so I learned to keep the high points short and hope for the best.   What I got?  Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves.   For good measure let's add in Liars, Cheats & Weirdos.  It takes a lot of endurance to meet a guy who's *normal* let alone normal, attractive, employed, gets your jokes.    A lot.  I say all that to say don't let the frogs exhaust you, he's out there.   And just in case he's waiting to say hi to you in person, before you get out of the car at the supermarket or the coffee place, look in the mirror, do a head toss and practice your hello-smile    

 

I tried eharmony too thinking the process was more expansive so it'd be about something.    Somehow all of my matches were under 5'4" which there wasn't anything wrong with, some of those dudes seemed super sweet but I'm 5'6" and it's one of my non compromisable areas.

 

I'm trying to stay positive here so I'm not even gonna get into the dudes whose relationship statuses were "it's complicated" or those who drove me nuts because they couldn't distinguish between too, two and to.  We might have children, so I can't risk it. 

Edited by ZaldamoWilder
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Worst date I ever had was thanks to AOL chat. This was indeed the late 90's, and I agreed to a date with a guy I *thought* I had things in common with thanks to a few fun chats here and there.

Just to show how naive I was on online dating(I was 19 at the time), I had him pick me up at my house. As soon as my roommate let him in and I walked into the living room to greet him, he was all but panting in delight; I guess I surpassed his physical expectations, wish I could've said the same about him, but whatever, he was okay.

He drives me to the Italian restaurant where we shared a bottle of wine and I attempted chatter that wasn't awkward. After we finish the main course(and he finishes most of the wine), he just sits back and stares at me all creepily. I asked, "What are you looking at? You okay??" He just slurs, "I'm just enjoying the view." Then he starts to lick his lips. At this point, I ask the waiter for our check, force this weirdo to pay up and to please take me home, trying to be very polite about it and just get the Hell away from this creep.

Yep, should've taken a cab home or gotten a ride, because before he gets me back to my house he pulls his dick out and whines, "Baby, I took you to a nice dinner! Can't you at least gimme some dessert?!"

Thankfully, we were close enough to my place at that point for me to jump out of his car and run back home, bolting the doors behind me. And that jerk *still* had the nerve to call and attempt to chat with me after that?! Ugh...I was an idiot and lucky I didn't end up date-raped.

I didn't AOL chat after that. I did go on a few dates via Craigslist and OKCupid a few years later(I learned my lesson after nightmare AOL guy and only met them in public places!), but quickly grew bored of the endless boring/awkward first dates and silly mind games of online dating. I met Mr. SunBun thanks to fate, timing and luck, so I doubt I could ever try online dating ever again, quite honestly.

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Worst date I ever had was thanks to AOL chat. This was indeed the late 90's, and I agreed to a date with a guy I *thought* I had things in common with thanks to a few fun chats here and there.

Just to show how naive I was on online dating(I was 19 at the time), I had him pick me up at my house. As soon as my roommate let him in and I walked into the living room to greet him, he was all but panting in delight; I guess I surpassed his physical expectations, wish I could've said the same about him, but whatever, he was okay.

He drives me to the Italian restaurant where we shared a bottle of wine and I attempted chatter that wasn't awkward. After we finish the main course(and he finishes most of the wine), he just sits back and stares at me all creepily. I asked, "What are you looking at? You okay??" He just slurs, "I'm just enjoying the view." Then he starts to lick his lips. At this point, I ask the waiter for our check, force this weirdo to pay up and to please take me home, trying to be very polite about it and just get the Hell away from this creep.

Yep, should've taken a cab home or gotten a ride, because before he gets me back to my house he pulls his dick out and whines, "Baby, I took you to a nice dinner! Can't you at least gimme some dessert?!"

Thankfully, we were close enough to my place at that point for me to jump out of his car and run back home, bolting the doors behind me. And that jerk *still* had the nerve to call and attempt to chat with me after that?! Ugh...I was an idiot and lucky I didn't end up date-raped.

I didn't AOL chat after that. I did go on a few dates via Craigslist and OKCupid a few years later(I learned my lesson after nightmare AOL guy and only met them in public places!), but quickly grew bored of the endless boring/awkward first dates and silly mind games of online dating. I met Mr. SunBun thanks to fate, timing and luck, so I doubt I could ever try online dating ever again, quite honestly.

 

LOL, the nerve of some guys! I don't know how any guy would think it's appropriate to whip the dick out after a innocent dinner....SMH.... Maybe people say it's better to not be drunk like that with those kinda dates in mind.... 

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Oh. Em. Gee.  are there frogs.  Lol.   roseslg, I absolutely love your story, I'm glad you hung in there.  Congratulations about to be mommy!  DK, I don't remember seeing what market you're in but this here is, I think, a pretty good example of the patience required to date online in a major market.   I'm dating a man I met in person but before him, I was online pretty consistently.   What I've found is men simply don't read.  Not because they don't know how but they don't start from the same point of origin that women do.  So what they care about is how you look, specifically what you weigh and how old you are, if that is satisfactory, they honest to God couldn't give one shit about the rest.   I've spoken to dudes from whom it was clear never looked at one written word of my profile, so I learned to keep the high points short and hope for the best.   What I got?  Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves.   For good measure let's add in Liars, Cheats & Weirdos.  It takes a lot of endurance to meet a guy who's *normal* let alone normal, attractive, employed, gets your jokes.    A lot.  I say all that to say don't let the frogs exhaust you, he's out there.   And just in case he's waiting to say hi to you in person, before you get out of the car at the supermarket or the coffee place, look in the mirror, do a head toss and practice your hello-smile    

 

I'm in the suburbs of NYC (Westchester).  I totally agree about men not reading.  I will always "X" a guy who only pictures in his profile.  I'm not looking for them to write a book, but some basic details would be nice.  I feel like guys who only have pictures in their profile are just looking to get laid.

 

Sun-Bun: what a creep!!  Oh the days of chat rooms.

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I'm in the suburbs of NYC (Westchester).  I totally agree about men not reading.  I will always "X" a guy who only pictures in his profile.  I'm not looking for them to write a book, but some basic details would be nice.  I feel like guys who only have pictures in their profile are just looking to get laid.

 

Sun-Bun: what a creep!!  Oh the days of chat rooms.

 

Jersey girl here, hi naybuh!! :-)   Girl.  Because they are.  And you know what? look, that's fine, from what I understand there are a fair number women on line who are looking for fun, no commitment.  So many in fact that there are now two, probably more, but two sites that I know of that cater solely to marrieds.  Anyway I digress, I was gonna say that pics only is the stuff that's wrong with their profiles.  They won't bother to read yours.  A former coworker of mine who's been online for years said to me one day "it's like they don't wanna bother getting to know me!"  I looked at her and didn't say anything.  Then she said "oh"  lol!   It does happen, I know happy couples who met this way but it was because the guy was already marriage minded.   It might incentivize dudes to read if you grab em with something funny up front, but remember that your audience is a largely non cerebral, short attention spanned lot.  Feel free to plagiarize any of the blurb I used to use, if it'll help.

 

If any of the following apply to you:  wear a pinky ring, maintain fingernails longer than your fingertips, own a pair of red shoes, do currently, or have ever, worn a doo-rag in public, go Easter shopping for a special outfit, match your belt to your sneaker laces, set your hair, live with your mother (not to be confused with her living with you) and/or the term baby's mother describes more than one woman in your life, let’s keep it movin gentlemen, there's nothin for you to see here lol.  

 

footnote:  husbands, fiancés, boyfriends, experimenters, cheaters and other complex dudes:  I Promise with a capital P that a) I don't care about your *situation* and b) I will do everything in my power to make sure she finds out. 

 

Still here?  Ok, cool, save us both some time: 38-48 <-- seriously.  please don't write if you're unwilling to send a recent photo (of you).  Good luck to you, sir.

 

I got a ton of mail.  I'd say about 10-20% of men were offended (because a hit dog is gonna holla), the remaining 80% said they loved it.  About 40% of them were eligible (for me), 20% of that 40% were datable.  My job was to find out what the problem with those 20% was.  Most often it was just a matter of a guy being great on paper but that was it.  I don't wanna make it sound like it was all them or I didn't meet interesting people, I did, but the final weeding out factor for me was chemistry.   Dammit it is an essential element and it's just as annoyingly inexplicable.  There's no real rhyme/reason/way to tell if you want to rip a dude's shirt off until you've sat across from him. 

 

Quick story about one of the 20 percenters.   He worked 10 minutes from me. We had lunch one day.  Chemistry off the charts.  Even better, he lived about a 15 minute drive from me.  Great sense of humor, similar life views, tall, lawd he was fine as frog hair.  One day we went to a concert at the Garden.  We were in my company's corporate suite.   Okay, so who do I see going into the entrance for the suites but my next door neighbor.  I never see her outside of our neighborhood so I was all:  girl whatchu doin here?  She said I didn't know you were gonna be here, I'm in suite number so and so with Kelly* (her sorority sister).  She said come on by, they've got the place stocked with dinner and full open bar.  I'd met Kelly before, so we go in there, we're hanging out, it's all good.   Justin* is the only man in the room.  It's a full suite, like 20 seats.  Everybody's mingling.  He was very gregarious and couplish, my favorite kind of guy, he's walking around introducing "us", then at various points when we're in different places in the room, he's introducing himself to anybody who asks.  Concert ends.  Next day my neighbor says hey girl does Justin have any brothers?  I said yeah, why, you wanna see if I can hook you up? lol.  She goes naw, I'm asking because he was asking Kelly all these questions.  I mean he was subtle with it, it wasn't interview style or anything but in the course of 10 minutes he wanted to know if she was married (she wasn't), what she did for a living, where in the city she lived, if she had any kids and told her she was very attractive (true).  I said ohkaaaaaay.  She said so I'm asking if he's got brothers because it was clear he was interested in putting her with somebody.   I'm going to rewind to a detail I left out: when we entered the suite Justin (regularly) had his business card ready for anybody he was about to meet.  We were there socially so I don't know if people were expecting it or not but similarly some of them were like, yeah ok, here's my card too.   Back to the story.  One of the business cards he'd collected was Kelly's - she was the hostess of the suite and also very nyc network-y.   Later that day Kelly sends me the email Justin sent her asking her out.    Now my problem is I was only capable of dating one dude at a time.  So when it was a waste, I found it discouraging to start over.

 

*not their actual names

 

LOL, the nerve of some guys! I don't know how any guy would think it's appropriate to whip the dick out after a innocent dinner....SMH.... Maybe people say it's better to not be drunk like that with those kinda dates in mind.... 

 

I'm sad to report this is not uncommon and has nothing to do with beer courage.  They think if you have a preview, you'll be enticed.  It's a really popular move at the end of the night if one of you is in the other's house** - you come out of the bathroom and he's naked.   It's sexy as hell, said no woman ever.

 

**p.s. last piece of buddinsky advice - don't go to a man's house or have him come to yours unless you actually do know him.  You don't realize how potentially dangerous it is to be alone with a man you don't really know that well. 

 

eta:  I said I wasn't using real names, then used his real name.  d'oh! 

Edited by ZaldamoWilder
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 **p.s. last piece of buddinsky advice - don't go to a man's house or have him come to yours unless you actually do know him.  You don't realize how potentially dangerous it is to be alone with a man you don't really know that well.  

Yes, I concur!  Had that happen to me recently.  I was messaging with this hot guy all day and he asks if I want to hang out either at his place or mine.  I said no, I'm not comfortable with that, but we can meet somewhere.  He gave me some BS excuses and finally I told him, I'm not the girl for you.

 

Zaldamo - love your profile.  I wish I was that witty.  So did Kelly ever go out with that guy?  Props to her for sending you the email from Justin asking her out.

 

Here's one for the weirdo file.  I do crossfit and so I mention it in my profile (nothing detailed or elaborate, just that its a passion of mine).  I had a guy message me bashing crossfit.  Why was I doing it and putting it in my profile is probably turning off a lot of guys.  So I reply that I enjoy it and if a guy is turned off because of it, then they're not for me.

 

Really, who does that?  What a jerk.

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I'm a single parent too and I get the thing about not wanting to date parents if you don't have any kids.  Not to speak for anyone else but I've found that it's not really about the other person having kids more than it is wanting to be with someone of similar life experiences.  If they have children and you don't, that's just one huge thing they've already experienced without you.  I'm saying this all mashed up but what I mean is that people tend to look for folks they're equally yoked with.   Physical attributes, similar senses of humor, educational level maybe, life philosophy, sense of humor, etc.  You're not equal footing if only one of you's a parent.

I've pegged it as wanting to find somebody who is in the same life stage as me.  I think I am a better match with people who are 12 years younger than me with similar aged children than I am to somebody who is exactly the same age as me but has no children or older children and is done with that part of life. I did find one who's son had just gone off to college, but was thrilled to be a part of the lives of little ones again.  But that's a pretty narrow group to choose from.

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Yes, I concur!  Had that happen to me recently.  I was messaging with this hot guy all day and he asks if I want to hang out either at his place or mine.  I said no, I'm not comfortable with that, but we can meet somewhere.  He gave me some BS excuses and finally I told him, I'm not the girl for you.

 

Zaldamo - love your profile.  I wish I was that witty.  So did Kelly ever go out with that guy?  Props to her for sending you the email from Justin asking her out.

 

Here's one for the weirdo file.  I do crossfit and so I mention it in my profile (nothing detailed or elaborate, just that its a passion of mine).  I had a guy message me bashing crossfit.  Why was I doing it and putting it in my profile is probably turning off a lot of guys.  So I reply that I enjoy it and if a guy is turned off because of it, then they're not for me.

 

Really, who does that?  What a jerk.

 

That thing there?  Come over to my house, I'll cook you dinner or some other sweet sounding mess?  The start of every creepy Lifetime TV Movie ever.  I started to say I can't believe men still do this but, worse? women still go.  And I get it, for their part it may simply be an inexperience thing, a trust thing, a youth thing. I understand how they get there mentally but I can't stress this enough.  Admittedly I'm stranger danger-y but it's not exclusive to dating, I think that generally, women don't stay as physically aware as they should to keep themselves safe.  Real quick example.  The nail salon I used to go to was on the second floor of an office building.  Building entrance was on a fairly traffic-y/busy side street.  Lobby doors were perpetually propped opened.   Elevator was one these tiny, slow ass rambling 3 people maximum kinda deals.  There was an adjoining stairwell on the side.  I go in there one day, shoot up the two short flights on the stairwell and right as I get to the nail salon door, the woman I'd passed in the lobby waiting for the elevator is behind me.  I giggled and started to rib her a little.  I said girl, you waited all that time for that one flight elevator?  She turned to me serious as hell and said:  Baby, that is an unlocked, unlit stairwell in an unmanned lobby where the doors stay propped opened.  You can't ever forget that you're a woman.  That'll learn my ass, she shut my giggling right on down.  Sorry for the ramble, my drawn out point is that murderers, rapists and kidnappers look pretty normal when they answer the door.

 

Thank you darl, I'm not trying to memorylane, I put it in here so you can steal and customize if it'll help ;-). 

 

She did not go out with him, lol.  Luckily for me Kelly is/was a girl's girl.  I didn't know her that well but on the one or two occasions on which we'd met before, I thought she was funny and sweet.  Our association aside, she was enraged that a dude was hitting on her while on a date.....with a woman he knew she knew.   So at the very least, she knew he was too stupid to be in a relationship.  I saw her some time later and we laughed about it.  She said girl I know times are tough out here, but it's never going to be that bad.    I saw him also from time to time because we worked just a few minutes apart along the same commuter route and do you know this fool had the pure unfiltered mentholated audacity to try me again?   He walked up to me at the bus stop where I was and said you know you want to give me another chance.  I said I sure do, answer these 3 questions for me?  Your birthday is April 28, when is mine?  Your best friend lives in Sarasota, Florida, in what state does my best friend live?  Your only child's name is Isaiah, what is my only child's name and is it a boy or a girl?  He straightened his tie, quit showing me his teeth and smooth walked off.  LOL!!

 

 

Here's one for the weirdo file.  I do crossfit and so I mention it in my profile (nothing detailed or elaborate, just that its a passion of mine).  I had a guy message me bashing crossfit.  Why was I doing it and putting it in my profile is probably turning off a lot of guys.  So I reply that I enjoy it and if a guy is turned off because of it, then they're not for me.

 

Really, who does that?  What a jerk.

 

Men riddled with insecurity.  Including not only that you exercise but what specific type tells them that you're serious about your health and fitness.  A man who isn't particularly into working out won't be bothered by this - hell 99.9% of em think they're Daniel Craig to begin with anyway.  But now a dude sitting around in his feelings about his lack of effort in this area who was already self conscious about his looks before coming across your profile, does not want to hear about how legitimately fine you are lol!!  Like I said a hit dog gone holler.  If you have any more tell you that's going to be a turn off to most men, please tell them for me that most of the men you meet aren't punkasses so you're good, thanks.

 

I've pegged it as wanting to find somebody who is in the same life stage as me.  I think I am a better match with people who are 12 years younger than me with similar aged children than I am to somebody who is exactly the same age as me but has no children or older children and is done with that part of life. I did find one who's son had just gone off to college, but was thrilled to be a part of the lives of little ones again.  But that's a pretty narrow group to choose from.

 

Totally agree with all of this.  I used to nix younger guys because I wasn't having any more kids so it didn't make sense to even risk the conversation.  All that really matters is that in super big deal areas, you two are compatible, the rest I think is workable.  It is a narrow field but then I guess it depends on how much anybody is willing to compromise to have what/who they want or stick by your standard knowing the pickings are slim.  I have friends that are still online and I hear there are niche dating sites popping up all over the place you can meet a one legged patchy eyed merchant marine who loves cats if that's your thing so hopefully even in those narrow fields there are more folks in the same life stage.   I said if I got back into it again I'd join that OurTime over 50 site but only if the men looked like they do in the commercial....because 80 is over 50.  Just sayin.  lol!

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You know, there really isn't any sort of help for men when it comes to concocting a proper dating profile. Even now when I search for "How to create a dating profile for a man" the VAST majority of advice centers around not being a moron.  So combine that with a search for "what do women find attractive about a man" and it appears that all I need to get lots of dates is to have a flat belly and not be a moron.  Dammit. 

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Met up with a guy from OKC for drinks - we spent about 3 hours chatting. I'm undecided about him.  He asked me out again, so we have tentative plans for next week.  I figure after the second date I can make a better determination on if I want to pursue this or not.

 

No great chemistry, but he didn't turn me off either.  He seems like a smart and nice guy.  He's a pre-school teacher and has a 4 year old daughter.  He also has another 12 year old daughter with the same ex, but she's not his.  He started dating the ex when the daughter was 6 months at the time.

 

He doesn't come off as very manly/macho.  Not that he's effeminate in any way.  I think I'm attracted to confident men who are a little cocky.  Maybe that's my problem.

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If anyone wants an absolute horror story about an online first date that will make all your experiences seem not so bad by comparison....I've got one. Disclaimer: it's from a friend of a friend (FoF), so no first-hand confirmation that all details are accurate, but anyway....

 

FoF (female) lives in Boston and is a huge Red Sox fan. So is the guy she meets on Match.com. Naturally, their first date is at a weeknight Red Sox game at Fenway. Her company has seats, so she provides the tickets.

 

They meet at the game, and they seem to get along well at first. The conversation is flowing, they seem to have a few things in common, it's all good. Just one beer apiece, so no one's getting sloppy.

 

The only red flag in the conversation is when the guy talks about how he'd love to run onto the field during the game.

 

It starts out innocuously enough, almost sounding like a joke. Then the guy just won't let it go. He describes his plans in detail, explains how he thinks that night would be a great chance to do it, even mentions that he wants to do it naked. Apparently he did so in a very calm, matter-of-fact way as if he were describing making a stop at CVS on the way home. FoF gets progressively more uncomfortable, probably counting down the innings until the game ends and she never has to see him again, but thinking nothing of it otherwise. I assume all their neighbors overheard their convo too.

 

He then excuses himself to the men's room, and sure enough, within minutes, he's streaking onto the field and getting tackled by security.

 

I would probably avoid Match.com for 150 years if I were in FoF's shoes.

Edited by Prairie Fire
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The only red flag in the conversation is when the guy talks about how he'd love to run onto the field during the game.

 

I knew he was going to streak across the field as soon as I read that sentence! 

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I dated this guy from OKC for a few months.  He seemed decent enough, a little weird, but ok.   I didn't really like him, but my family (cousin mainly) kept telling me I could grow to like him.  I honestly don't think she understands/stood how being single in NYC is.   Anyhoos, once he started talking about his mother being his soul mate, that set off a few "Danger, Danger" alarms.   I decided to break up with him.  We got back to his place and he took his two birds out of the cage to fly around for a bit.   We're on the couch, radiohead is playing, I'm trying to tell him that this isn't working and the birds are making swoop passes at my head while he's trying to make out.  It was a bit surreal.  Everytime I would go into detail about why we weren't a good fit, one of the birds would swoop down and I would have to duck for cover.   At some point, a bird landed on his head.   Meanwhile, his hands are all octopus-esque.  I couldn't do anything buy laugh for the next five minutes.  I couldn't get another word out, I just laughed and laughed and laughed.  Every time I would try to start a sentence, I would just laugh some more.   

 

I think someone should compile a book of internet dating stories.  

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If anyone wants an absolute horror story about an online first date that will make all your experiences seem not so bad by comparison....I've got one. Disclaimer: it's from a friend of a friend (FoF), so no first-hand confirmation that all details are accurate, but anyway....

 

FoF (female) lives in Boston and is a huge Red Sox fan. So is the guy she meets on Match.com. Naturally, their first date is at a weeknight Red Sox game at Fenway. Her company has seats, so she provides the tickets.

 

They meet at the game, and they seem to get along well at first. The conversation is flowing, they seem to have a few things in common, it's all good. Just one beer apiece, so no one's getting sloppy.

 

The only red flag in the conversation is when the guy talks about how he'd love to run onto the field during the game.

 

It starts out innocuously enough, almost sounding like a joke. Then the guy just won't let it go. He describes his plans in detail, explains how he thinks that night would be a great chance to do it, even mentions that he wants to do it naked. Apparently he did so in a very calm, matter-of-fact way as if he were describing making a stop at CVS on the way home. FoF gets progressively more uncomfortable, probably counting down the innings until the game ends and she never has to see him again, but thinking nothing of it otherwise. I assume all their neighbors overheard their convo too.

 

He then excuses himself to the men's room, and sure enough, within minutes, he's streaking onto the field and getting tackled by security.

 

I would probably avoid Match.com for 150 years if I were in FoF's shoes.

I don't understand people who want to run onto the field during a game, let alone do it naked.  Plus, this guy did it on a first date.  Did he ever try to contact the FOF again?  I'm assuming he made the pre-meditated decision to do this and screw whether he liked this girl or not.

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