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ElectricBoogaloo

Younger Quotes: Dr. Dre's Not a Doctor

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Pauline: So lie?
Diana: Postpone the truth - at least until you make the New York Times bestseller list.

Liza: I think once you've created a story, other people want to believe it as much as you do.
Diana: So true. Honesty can be very self-indulgent.

Pauline: I don't know. I'm a terrible liar.
Diana: Just talk about your relationship when it was good. It's really just a lie of verb tenses.

Lauren: Josh, your girl was loose in the house and asked to borrow some eyeliner. Let me tell you something about the eyes. They are the window to the soul. They are also the doorway to disease and infection.

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Maggie: So no sex for ninety days at all?
Josh: I feel like I need to do a full reset. No sex, no alcohol, maybe no gluten.
Maggie: I don't know. I just feel like there's steps that you skipped over that are less Amish than this.

Kelsey: Ewww. Water?

Don: Don't think of it as dating. It's plus one-ing.

Maggie: I just want to remind you the last time you picked up a stray, you married her.

Diana: Do you always use people's words against them like a drunk toddler?

Don: This is what I write now.
Liza: "You won't believe which of these sexy stars is trans." Is he?
Don: Nope. But you have to click through 19 photos and 6 ads to find that out.

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Liza: What is it? Is it porn?
Maggie: It's called breadfacing, and yes, people are definitely jerking off to it.

Tam: Here's your dry-cleaning. I mean, it's not really dry-cleaned. I just ironed it really hard and put it in this bag, but whatever.

Kelsey: Who is that? 
Lauren: Oh, that's my new intern.
Kelsey: You have an intern?
Lauren: It's basically slave labor, TBQH, but, you know, they're getting a credit for school, so my conscience is clear.

Josh: Makeup?
Lauren: Yeah, it's makeup you can eat, but I wouldn't.

Jake: Okay, no more excuses. After this Arianna Huffington event tonight, I will hit the ground running.
Kelsey: Ooh, what Arianna Huffington event?
Jake: It's on #negativethinking.
Kelsey: Oh, yet another Twitter movement that I'm behind on.
Jake: No, it's just an excuse to drink and to talk about how liberals are still arguing about Bernie versus Hillary. It's cathartic - I think.

Don: Falafels are on me. My article on "Where Are They Now: The Members of O-Town" just got 100,000 views, so...
Liza: Oh, well, congratulations?
Don: Thank you. Yeah, I'm I'm doing a series of "Where Are They Nows?" The next one's on my dignity.
Liza: Well, you do what you've got to do to pay the bills.
Don: Yep. I still have to put together a listicle of GIFs called "Nun fails."

Don: Oh, my God. I was not prepared for that.
Liza: What is it?
Don: My son sent me a picture-
Liza: Oh, can I see?
Don: Of his penis.
Liza: Did you ask for that?
Don: He's 16, and he thinks he might have herpes.
Liza: And how does it look?
Don: Um, like a teenager who masturbated too much.
Liza: Sounds like you're close.
Don: As a divorced dad, I try to be there for him without judgment. I just don't understand this generation's need to share everything.
Liza: Well, at least he's not posting a picture of his penis online and mushing it into a loaf of pumpernickel.

Maggie: You can't assume that everyone's lying just because you are.

Tam: Lip stain?
Liza: Do I eat it or wear it?
Tam: I'm not here to tell you what to do.

Lauren: The LGBTQIAPK community has been through enough.
Maggie: You lost me after T.
Lauren: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, pan, poly, kink.
Maggie: I was less confused in the closet.

Liza: Ooh, how's the mascara?
Kelsey: It tastes like burnt ass.

Tam: Lauren, everything can't be in all caps.
Lauren: What do you mean?
Tam: Let me put this another way. It's not cool. Nobody posts anymore. It's all word of mouth.
Lauren: No, no, okay, I was just being ironic. This is for my finsta. That's fake Instagram.
Tam: Millennials are so sad.
Lauren: Okay, that just happened. I'm old.
Maggie: Don't make me choke you out.

Kelsey: You told Don your real age?
Liza: No, he saw both my IDs when I slipped on ice and dropped my bag.
Kelsey: Well, why didn't you make up a story, like, tell him you were trying to get discounts or something? 
Liza: On what? 
Kelsey: I don't know. What do old people buy?

Kiara: I received a very unsettling phone call from a fact-checker this morning. She was insinuating something very odd about your age. Reese is in pieces. Liza, how old are you?
Liza: I'm age-queer. 
Kiara: What?
Liza: I'm age-queer. That fact-checker was trying to age-shame us for being young, so I told them I'm old in protest. And it's, like, who cares? I don't identify as any age.
Kelsey: Neither do I.
Liza: They were so focused on how successful we were for our age, and it shouldn't matter how old we are.
Kelsey: Exactly. Screw them.
Kiara: Who's them?
Kelsey: The patriarchy.
Liza: So I told them I'm 41. And let them think that for all I care. We're post-age.
Kiara: But how old? I'm confused.
Kelsey: It's confusing, but it's not wrong. Every time you get a bunch of strong, powerful women together, it's their looks, their age. They're too young. They're too sexy.
Liza: What are they gonna do, throw us in The Handmaid's Tale?
Kelsey: Under his eye, girl.
Assistant: Kiara, it's that fact-checker again.
Kiara: I'll handle them. 
Kelsey: Age-queer? That was insane. 
Liza: Yeah, and probably offensive.

Don: You said it yourself. You do what you have to do.
Liza: Not at the expense of destroying someone else.

Don: You know, it seems like the only people who get discriminated against anymore are middle-aged straight white men. #me, okay? #me.
Liza: You know, I think I might know why you can't find work.
Don: And why is that?
Liza: Because you're an asshole, Don.

Liza: You're an adult. Your life is your life. But why are you smashing your face into bread?

Caitlin: Mom, it's not who I am. It's just a thing I do for some extra money.
Liza: Okay, let me tell you something. You become what you do. If you cheat, you become a cheater. If you lie, you you become a liar.

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Diana: I'm bringing a blue collar companion to a black tie event.

Charles: We need to see pages, Chrissie. What stage are you at?
Chrissie: It's written. See? Whole thing. I swear to God, I just, like, punctured the skin and it came oozing out of me.
Diana: Well, can you sop it up and email it?
Chrissie: What, on the internet? What, are you high? I'm not sending this on the internet. I don't trust the internet. Those naked pictures of me, those were leaked. Nothing is safe. Julian Assange told me that. I mean, he was out of his mind at the time, but he made some pretty solid arguments.

Zane: What we're saying is goose this shit up. Right now, it's meek and kind of bland.
Jake: I don't really like your tone, Zane.
Zane: I don't like your chapter.

Diana: Enzo has invited me to stay over. I haven't stayed over at a man's place since - when did Baby Jessica fall down that well?
Liza: Yikes! What did you pack?
Diana: Just the essentials - toothbrush, change of clothes, room spray, sheets.
Liza: Well, are you staying over or redecorating?
Diana: Liza, I don't know what to expect. I need to prepare for polyester.

Chrissie: And a certain British director gave me this. That's not all he gave me. Gonorrhea. Saves you from asking.
Charles: I, uh I wasn't going to.

Chrissie: Have you ever seen a ten thousand dollar dildo?

Maggie: That is a stunning necklace. You know, Liza never told me how chic you are.
Liza: Oh, I'm sure I did.
Diana: Well, Liza's generation has no concept of style. It's all rompers and fanny packs.

Chrissie: This is a demo from Penis Fly Trap.

Liza: We were just wondering when we're going to get to see the book. You said lunchtime, which was wine, and then you said teatime, which was absinthe and your take on Stranger Things.

Liza: I saw on an episode of "Murder She Wrote" that if you eat a stick of butter before you start drinking, then you don't get drunk.
Charles: How old are you?

Kelsey: I backslid last night with Zane, who then offered me coffee and was, like, nice?
Lauren: Coffee? The bar for heteros is so low.

Kelsey: Back to my problems. 
Lauren: What problem? No. The nice guy turned out to be sexy. The sexy guy turned out to be nice. That's a win-win.

Chrissie: You want me to sign your boobs?
Liza: Please.

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Kelsey: I need you there to run interference. Jake and Zane. I'm kind of like seeing both of them.
Liza: What? Why didn't you tell me?
Kelsey: You have been gaslighting an entire company since I met you. Can I have one secret?

Zane: Mistletoe.
Kelsey: That's poinsettia.
Zane: Eh, close enough.

Maggie: How was family night?
Liza: Ugh, David kept putting his arm around me, and Caitlin goaded me into yodeling in a roomful of strangers.
Maggie: Oh, just like Norman Rockwell painted it.

Diana: Neckwear should inspire envy, Liza, not seizures.

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Kelsey: You know what they say. Men who grow beards are hiding something.
Diana: Yes, generally crumbs.

Sophia: For too long, couples were told that open communication is the key to an enduring relationship. Now they'll know the truth. Love is actually fueled by mystery. Mystery is where the erotic thrives. A healthy relationship should feel a little illicit. Then the question is, whatâ's the line between dangerous and destructive?
Diana: What? What is it?
Sophia: Chapter 12.
Liza: But, um, doesn't real intimacy ultimately require real honesty and openness?
Sophia: No, think of intimacy as a place instead of a condition. A place that you go to only with your partner. And it's secluded, it's private. It's like your bubble. And when you're together in that bubble, then what is more exciting than sharing your secrets?

Maggie: I think you should down that red wine and take half a Xanax.

Kelsey: The next time I decide to sleep with somebody from work, please slap me.
Liza: Will do.

Kelsey: I thought you weren't drinking coffee.
Diana: I'm just smelling it.

Diana: Get me three almonds and some hot water with lemon.

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On 8/2/2018 at 8:09 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Kelsey: You know what they say. Men who grow beards are hiding something.
Diana: Yes, generally crumbs.

Sophia: For too long, couples were told that open communication is the key to an enduring relationship. Now they'll know the truth. Love is actually fueled by mystery. Mystery is where the erotic thrives. A healthy relationship should feel a little illicit. Then the question is, whatâ's the line between dangerous and destructive?
Diana: What? What is it?
Sophia: Chapter 12.
Liza: But, um, doesn't real intimacy ultimately require real honesty and openness?
Sophia: No, think of intimacy as a place instead of a condition. A place that you go to only with your partner. And it's secluded, it's private. It's like your bubble. And when you're together in that bubble, then what is more exciting than sharing your secrets?

Maggie: I think you should down that red wine and take half a Xanax.

Kelsey: The next time I decide to sleep with somebody from work, please slap me.
Liza: Will do.

Kelsey: I thought you weren't drinking coffee.
Diana: I'm just smelling it.

Diana: Get me three almonds and some hot water with lemon.

Taking a comment about this quote to the episode thread.

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Charles: Wow, [those reading glasses] are very sexy.
Liza: Wait til you see the ones I wear for night driving.

Kelsey: I know the writer and he's not only an addict but also an asshole.
Liza: I could edit the book. I have experience with addicts and assholes.

Liza: Who's getting a Glamour award?
Kelsey: Me.
Diana. Congratulations. You certainly have the hair for it.

Diana: While it is lovely to be called "diva," that's the only value add you bring to the table. I like you but I don't need you.
Lauren: Ouch, diva.

Charless: Redmond, what are you doing here?
Redmond: I live on the Upper East Side. Please don't tell anyone.

Redmond: You think Dorothy Parker was nice or Truman Capote was easy to work with?

Redmond: Empirical is like the Blackberry of publishing. No offense. People don't want the old clickity click. They want facial recognition and cute emojis.

Lauren: You see that guy?
Josh: The one with his schlong out?

Diana: [Quinn] will be here at 10am so that gives you five minutes to find me coffee and twenty five minutes to get a hold of yourself.

Quinn: This whole idea of sisterhood is actually holding women back. Men get ahead because they're looking out for themselves. Women are behind because they're looking out for everyone else.

Diana: I don't know if that was feminist or anti-feminist.

Kelsey: This is big. I'm a little nervous.
Lauren: That's because you refuse to take Adderall. I am laser focused and mildly euphoric. You want me to tickle your arm?

Enzo: Haven't you ever done anything stupid?
Diana: I married a gay man.

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Enzo: Take the ferry. It's free.
Diana: There's a reason for that.

Enzo: I'm sorry, Diana. Ma shouldn't have said those things. She's a lot
Diana: No, your brother's cologne was a lot. Your mother was too much.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Liza: Wow, so I'm going to Frankfurt. That's kind of exciting, right?
Diana: Don't get too excited. They found the most charmless city in Europe to host it. It's like Buffalo with dumplings. Lovely language, German - like a thousand cats coughing.

Kelsey: You're really guarding that thing with your life, huh?
Liza: Oh, yeah. I got a money belt too for my traveler's checks.
Kelsey: They still make those?
Liza: They make me feel jetsetty.
Kelsey: You got your hatbox and your steamer trunk too?

Diana: Can we try to be more cosmopolitan? We're in Frankfurt, not Trenton.

Kelsey: What's camel toe for a man?
Liza: Elchknöchel. Moose knuckle!

Lauren: Have a C-section. You don't want to stretch out your good sweater.

Lauren: You guys, we should do it lesbian old school. I'm talking sporty mullets, turkey basters, Dinah Shore weekend.

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Charles: You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs. That's Hamlet.

Zane: I was in love with you.
Kelsey: Are you screwing with me right now? Because you don't say that to someone in the past tense for the first time unless you're trying to make them feel like an asshole.

Josh: Okay, what is this?
Lauren: It's a cacao ceremony. It's a little bit like ayahuasca but without all the puking and PTSD.
Josh: I thought maybe we would just talk about this over some tacos or something?

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Lauren: Kelsey, listen to me. You are a role model for every young girl with an English degree who wants to believe that she didn't throw away four years of her life.

Liza: I can't believe I have an office. An actual door that closes!
Kelsey: Okay, full disclosure - I have done it on this desk. I've done it under the desk. I've used that little stool to prop and elevate my hips.

Diana: If you hear of anyone looking for a senior marketing executive, please let me know.
Redmond: Oh, okay. I'll make some inquiries - but discreetly. I'll keep it quiet.
Diana: Oh, Redmond, if I had wanted it kept quiet, I would have never come to you.

Maggie: We don't even know if it's Josh's kid.
Josh: She says she hasn't been with anyone else.
Maggie: Well, then she won't mind taking a paternity test.
Josh: That feels like a weird thing to ask her to do.
Maggie: You know what would be weird? You paying 18 years of child support for a baby that's not yours.

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Maggie: You look like Nancy Pelosi on the bottom and Melania on top.

Josh: Clare sent me that list. I don't know what any of these words mean. Do you know what a diaper genius is?
Liza: Genie, and you need one. It makes sort of like a long sausagey thing out of dirty diapers.
Josh: What? And that's a good thing? Like I want that?
Liza: Crib bumpers? No. They may use those in Ireland but we don't use those over here. Suffocation. Isn't this fun?
Josh: Yeah, suffocation and diaper sausages.

Lauren: It's just like Romeo and Juliet if Romeo smelled a little bit and there was poop.

Diana: [Enzo and I] aren't together anymore.
Lauren: Omigawd, Diana, that is awful.
Diana: ...
Lauren: No, I mean it's awful that everyone thinks they've got to be booed up all the time. At least you and I can do the bars now together. Once I edit your look.

Quinn: Baller move. I like you, Kelsey.
Kelsey: Awesome.

Driver: No baby in my Uber!

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Diana: Now that you're a publisher, maybe stop speaking like a trucker.

Diana: Why is everyone in this country obsessed with true crime? Actual people have died and they're selling branded beanies on etsy.
Liza: It lets people experience danger, but from a safe distance. It's exciting. But the killer is always brought to justice.
Diana: Except for the double murderer coming to our conference room.
Kelsey: Alleged. And let's not say things like that in the meeting.
Diana: She killed two people. I'm not going in there.

Redmond: Everybody's obsessed with Audrey Colbert but nobody really knows her. They just know the salacious stories they've heard on Exonerated. But this is her life. Is it glamorous? Absolutely. Is it sexy? Routinely. But is it criminal?
Audrey: ...
Redmond: This is where you're supposed to say, "No." We rehearsed this.
Audrey: Sorry. I forgot.
Liza: We are huge fans of Exonerated but we know that the podcast isn't telling us everything.
Kelsey: What we're interested in is your story in your words.
Redmond: But this will not be a confession or a denial. This will be the truth - the good, the bad, and everything in between. Is she promiscuous? Often. Is she jealous? Almost pathologically. Is she a murderer?
Audrey: ...
Redmond: Audrey, this is where you say, "No," remember?
Audrey: No.

Kelsey: What was that?!
Redmond: A crippling lack of media training but don't worry. We will fix that before the book tour.

Redmond: Thanks for calling! Never do it again! Tell my assistant she's fired!

Diana: I'm going to need her to slow down until my Vicodin kicks in.

Liza: I've never even heard of the Aardmore Club. What is it, like Soho House for oligarchs?

Liza: How was your weekend?
Diana: I hate that question almost as much as "How did you sleep?" None of your business. I slept. I'm here. Isn't that enough?

Clare: I was so worried you were going to propose again!
Josh: What are you talking about? We're still married!

Quinn: Integrity is of the utmost importance to me.
Audience member: The book's ethos suggests otherwise.
Quinn: So you read it? Thank you!

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Liza: [Zane] always looks like a dog that just ate your pizza.

Kelsey: This is a community work space. This is where you go if you're starting a taco pop up.

Zane: Money isn't everything. Sometimes it's about charm.
Kelsey: So you slept with [Audrey Colbert]. Gawd, that is completely unethical. And so creepy.
Zane: But it's fine when you do it.
Kelsey: I only slept with my authors after they signed.

Lauren: Your aura is like a cartoon bird that just ate a pepper.

Kelsey: What is a creative director?
Lauren: No one knows and no one cares.

Diana: I just got off the phone with a rep from Metro Cycle. I pitched them the idea of putting erotica on the kiosks.
Liza: Bronwyn's?
Diana: No, my own.

Diana: I'd rethink the sorting hat.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Michael: Mercury. Feisty move, competing with your own company.
Liza: Feisty isn't the F word I would choose.

Liza: What choice do I have? Be mad at you or be better.

Diana: How unflattering to crop you right at your chin. A head without a neck is like a kite without a string - just a floating tragedy.

Diana: [Enzo and I] go to the opera. Enzo loves Puccini but I just find his arias too sentimental. I'm more of a Verdi woman which leads to much heated debate.

Enzo: I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you a necklace - your choice.
Diana: The thing is, Enzo, they choose me.

Diana: I don't need another necklace. I can't believe I just said that.

Liza: Are you guys okay?
Diana: We are not okay. We have been under fluorescent lights for hours.

Josh: Carrying and holding fifteen pounds all day is more challenging than it seems.
Liza: It's a great workout though. I looked like a Russian shot putter when Caitlin was [Gemma's] age.
Josh: Ooh, sexy.

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Liza: Have you ever done drugs before?
Charles: Uh, we were more of a drinking family.
Doctor: Oh, alcohol is so bad for your system.
Charles: And LSD is healthy?
Doctor: Legally, we can't say it's LSD.
Liza: But it is LSD.
Doctor: Legally, I can neither confirm nor deny.
So what do you call it?
Doctor: Not LSD.

Zane: What do you think [of Audrey's narration]?
Kelsey: I mean, she's too matter of fact. liked zoned out, callous. 
Zane: So guilty. 
Kelsey: Yeah.
Audrey: I have no idea how it happened, but they were dead.

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Liza: I made your favorite - pecan pie and pinot noir.

Kelsey: I skipped my prom to go to a Danity Kane meet and greet.

Diana: I've lost trust in humanity as a whole, but other than that I'm fine. The ativan is helping.

Lauren: This explains everything. [Liza] doesn't have snapchat. She thought Four Loko was a rapper.

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Shelly: The kiss of death in any youth brand is being embraced by an older generation.

Maggie: The one thing we need more of is the male perspective on femininity.

Maggie: I felt like I was being suffocated by a damp rug.

Diana: I'm off to the shoot to steer Liza away from anything pleather.

Quinn: You know the good thing about the publishing reaction? Eight blocks outside of midtown, nobody cares.

Kelsey: I cannot run my company based on your negative press.

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Lauren: I saw a mandarin collar jumpsuit in off white that was giving me bedroom eyes.

Liza: I don't know about you, but I didn't know what I wanted in my twenties.
Diana: Oh, you mean two weeks ago?

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Alice: With careful words and quality paper, any message, however important or painful, doesn't hurt as much.

Kelsey: If I can't run a social media account, maybe I shouldn't be running a company.

Lauren: Don't think of it as selling out. Think of it as growing up.

Lauren: They want you to speak on the dangers of social media - how you leaned in, right into the lens, and now you may suffer permanent repercussions.
Kelsey: I am not a victim.
Lauren: No, no, no. But you are an example of a woman who made a very simple mistake, and the patriarchy's seizing that opportunity to tear you down, okay? I don't understand how you're totally okay with all the sexist crap.

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Redmond: Gawd, I miss Kelsey. She had instincts. Quick no, quick yes - not that this elderly dithering isn't also attractive.
Liza: We miss Kelsey too. You have no idea. But Millennial is still here and going strong.
Redmond: Why do you even call it Millennial anymore? Ccause it sounds better than Menopausal? Liza, I adore you, giantess. You're like a tall, literate redwood but you were born I don't know how many presidents ago and, Diana, you, well, no. You're ageless.
Diana: That always sounds like longwearing, like a carpet for high traffic areas.

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Jane: I want to write a book that will make girls fall in love with science fiction the way I did and open a door to a genre that has always had a metaphorical sign on its door: no girls allowed. So I decided to take some of the most beloved heroines in literature and launch them into space - Little Women - and launch them into space. Voilà! Little Women in Space.
Kelsey: I'm not normally a fan of mashups but this is so fun. One thing I never understood - why didn't Jo marry Laurie?
Lauren: I know! Who wouldn't say yes to a proposal from a handsome and wealthy daddy? But I guess she gets her punishment when she ends up with Professor Bhaer.
Jane: In my book, Professor Bhaer goes on a space walk and dies.
Liza: So you don't feel the need to be faithful to the original?
Jane: No, but the science will be accurate.

Liza: Who did you show this [video] to?
Lauren: Nobody. Well, nobody and Josh.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Maggie: I thought [Charles] was a man shaped building with a good haircut.

Kelsey: What will florists do when all the boomers die?

Liza: The Children's Literacy Fund - you know, C-lit.
Kelsey: That's the name? C-L-I-T? They'd better hope those kids don't read.

Lauren: Love can find a way. Love, say, between a publishing titan with very big hands and shoes and a housewife from New Jersey who move to New York to impersonate young people and learn about memes and Snapchat lenses.

Liza: So what do I do?
Kelsey: The same thing that I do when my life blows up in my face.
Liza: Kels, I don't want to day drink.

Fupa: [My bracelet] was given to me by Al Gore and blessed by baby Yoda's main puppeteer!

Fupa: Books - all that paper. It's like tree murder.

Kelsey: Wow, not every man can manspread and mansplain at the same time.

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Charles: [Millennial]'s being folded into the Legacy brand at Empirical.
Redmond: So the Steinbeck reissues get lumped in with the feminist sex toy guide?

Lauren: Redmond is right. We need a serious rebranding campaign. We should start with a launch party.
Charles: Agreed, but we don't have the budget for that.
Lauren: We didn't have the budget for a Space Force but we're doing that.

Lauren: Question - do we like [Clare's boyfriend]?
Josh: Why?
Lauren: I have to drop a deuce and I could do it here or [at his party].

Liza: So to be clear, you're ending your book by comparing yourself to Abraham Lincoln?

Rob: Now if you don't collect wine, you can use it for cold storage. One owner uses it as a podcasting studio since it's soundproof.
Kai: I'd use it as a meditation room.
Liza: I'd make it my trumpet room.
Kai: You play the trumpet?
Liza: That's right. While you were busy surfing, I was wearing a heavy wool uniform, marching backwards, playing "We Will Rock You."

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Lauren: Were you guys doing ear stuff?
Josh: No, not ear stuff. We were just doing the regular sex.
Lauren: Don't hole shame!

Quinn: Should I bring something to Charles? No, strike that. I don't know why women constantly feel the need to ingratiate ourselves.
Liza: Because we're smart and being nice is social lubricant.

Liza: Give me the worst case scenario. I'm assuming it's somewhere between water up the nose and death.

Kelsey: This is just women's names and doodles of people having sex.

Lauren: I got called the C word and that C word was not chic.

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Kelsey: Gawd, that has to be so hard, dating as a single mom. We should take [Claire] out to brunch.
Lauren: Oh, Kelsey, brunch is your answer to everything. Do you think she really wants to unload on us? Just make it a tea. It's less of a commitment.

Lauren:  You're looking at me like I'm the jittery waxer who just ripped off your perineum.

Liza: Charles was supposed to come [to Michelle's party with me], but I guess I'll just be hanging solo in a room full of judgmental couples.
Lauren: Liza, no, no, no, no, no. Say no more. I'm gonna call my friend Stefanos, okay? He staffs bartenders, cater waiters, the hottest men you've ever seen. Now most of them are Kinsey 6 gay, but they will definitely give you the old grope-a-dope in front of your PTA friends if you tip generously.
Maggie: Lauren, are these sex workers or waiters?
Lauren: Yes, they are.

Liza: [Quinn's new manuscript]'s well written. I mean, even if a lot of it sounds like bullshit.
Kelsey: Well, it's a book about failure written by billionaire. Of course it's bullshit.
Liza: But these stories that she tells, they sound phony. I mean, is anyone really going to believe that Pope Benedict consulted her about admitting female clergy?

Charles: Liza, I need to apologize to you for what happened in the meeting. I can't imagine a worse way for you to find that out [about Quinn].
Liza: I'd already seen it in Page Six.
Charles: That's definitely worse.

Liza: I'm sorry, which wave of feminism is this?
Kelsey: Oh, shut up and just be petty for once.

Michelle: Oh, you poor thing. I knew this would happen. I read all about his first marriage. I did a little deep Googling.
Michelle's husband: It's just Googling on three glasses of wine.

Maggie! Hey, I had an ulterior motive for asking you here tonight.
Josh: Is this a lesbian speed-dating event?

Josh: What a night for Professor Amato.
Maggie: Right? It doesn't even sound real. It's like a character in a bad porno.

Liza: It's 8:00am. It's a little early for recreational drugs.

Liza: So, Aiden, you were Quinn's assistant for how long?
Aiden: Uh, second assistant. Yeah, I never made it to first. So I wasn't, like, interacting with power players. I was fetching her birth control. Getting screamed at for getting the wrong kind.
Liza: Been there. It's hard being someone's assistant.
Aiden: Yeah, "Hand-Aiden," that's what she used to call me in front of Melinda Gates. That was fun.

Clare: Can we keep day drinking even though I'm not devastated?

Liza: So why were Clare and Lauren kissing on Instagram Stories this weekend?
Kelsey: We had a breakup brunch which Lauren tried to turn into a make-out dinner.

Liza: Can I ask how you and Andrea are doing?
Vince: We're friendly. My divorce was probably a lot like yours.
Liza: Oh, so you cheated on her and lost all your savings playing blackjack in Bayonne?
Vince: Yikes. Not that.

Vince: I've never felt older than on dates with younger women.
Liza: Why?
Vince: I mean, seriously, there's only so many times that you can say, "Wooooow," to a TikTok dance challenge, you know?

Liza: I want a relationship. I don't want to be sleeping around forever. That sounds exhausting. I want a partner. I want to share my life with someone. I just don't want to move into his house and become his wife and have my life revolve around his.

Vince: Why couldn't you just get married?
Liza: Why couldn't he just not get married? Why did he have to throw everything away over semantics? Why does he get to decide it's over just because he didn't get what he wanted?

Liza: I was just calling to fact-check something for her new book but I think we're all set.
Ayanna: Another book? At least I don't have to read it. What is it about?
Liza: Failure. It's called "The F Word."
Ayanna: That's smart. It makes her look relatable. That was always one of her biggest negatives. Not the only one though.
Liza: What did you do for her campaign?
Ayanna: Oppo research. I was supposed to expose the flaws in her candidacy so she could fix that.
Liza: What were her flaws, if I can ask?
Ayanna: People thought she was cold, a little condescending, elitist. But the biggest one - and this is so stupid and patriarchal I could scream - was that she wasn't married. People couldn't reconcile that.
Liza: How was she supposed to fix that?
Ayanna: I literally told her to find a guy with kind eyes and a strong jawline to stand next her and she would jump ten points in the polls. Fifteen if the guy had a normal-looking kid.
Liza: Really? And how did she take that?
Ayanna: Not well, but she ate it pretty hard in that senate race. So if she runs again - when she runs again, there are already rumors she wants to be governor - I think she'd suck it up and do it.
Liza: Do what?
Ayanna: Recruit a discount Kennedy to walk her across the finish line.

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Quinn: Did my assistant send over the list of dietary restrictions for Elon Musk? He's vegan but he will do bone broth.

Liza: Generic label "Murder She Wrote" doesn't sound very current.
Redmond: Yeah, well, that's the point. It's cozy. There's tea. And knitting. And gentle crime among upper middle class white folks in coastal Maine.

Redmond: Come on, this is a win-win. I can see it now. You publish the book, CBS turns it into a procedural starring Betty White, Metamucil pays the ad sales upfront, and we all reap the benefits. Lean into your identity, ladies. We all gotta. eat.

Kelsey: The people think we're some corporate thriller on a ship murder at a train station airport book factory.

Kelsey: Here, have a Quinn and tonic. It's weird.
Liza: Is that rum? Why isn't it gin?
Kelsey: Yeah, that's why it's weird.

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Maggie: How do I respond to these [pictures]? I don't wanna heart them. I mean, what am I supposed to do, do a thumbs up? I mean, they're good boobs. I don't want to make her feel bad about her boobs.
Josh: No, no, you definitely don't want that.
Liza: Well, that's the problem with nudes. You're forced to affirm them.
Josh: Forced? Wow, I don't recall you ever complaining.
Liza: Well, I didn't want to make you feel bad, but there's only so many winky tongue out faces and hot flame emojis you can reply with.

Charles: We missed you at the office.
Diana: Well, I'm sure the fluorescent lights are a little dimmer without me there, Charles.

Diana: It's like the Italians say - non tutte le ciambelle riescono col buco.

Charles: Take all the time that you want, Diana.
Diana: Grazie mille. I do have 220 vacation days, so it's time I cash them in.

Cass: Kamila and I never really had a honeymoon period. Didn't do much on the honeymoon either. Between you and me, she has trouble finishing.
Maggie: Oh, really? I'm so sorry to hear that.
Cass: I try. I try, and she says it's not me, but it didn't help that when we first hooked up, I accidentally stuck my finger in her butt, and she screamed, "Wrong hole!"
Maggie: Oh, boy. I hope you told that story at the wedding.

Liza: I have never read so many descriptions of tides and wind.
Charles: My manuscript. I wonder how many times I described tides and wind?

Lauren: Check out the broker you'll be working with. Much yummier than those Property Brothers who look like the unholy love child of Ben Affleck and Borat.

Lauren: Okay, make sure you keep smiling and be nice so you don't get the villain edit, okay?
Kelsey: Wait, the what?
Lauren: People are gonna wanna hate you cause you're so pretty so you've gotta convince them that you're smart.
Kelsey: Uh, I am smart.
Lauren: I'm sorry, is it too late to dye her hair brown? It's just so threatening.

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Quinn: Liza, hello. I thought I smelled the food cart. What a stomach you must have.
Liza: I wanted to introduce you to my daughter. This is Caitlin.
Caitlin: Omigawd, Miss Tyler, I'm a huge fan. We all are up at school.
Quinn: Oh, that's so kind. Where do you go, Smith? Are you a legacy? Your mom strikes me as a Smith girl. I saw her wearing loafers once.
Caitlin: Uh, no, I'm at Vassar.
Quinn: Oh, I went to Vassar! Class of what does that matter? What year are you?
Caitlin: Senior.
Quinn: Oh, gawd, isn't it the worst? You want to go out in the world, but you know this is the best it's ever going to be.

Quinn: Onions, what would street meat be without them?

Lauren: Don't flip over a table or poop on the floor in Mexico,

Kelsey: This whole show is insane. You haven't shown me one apartment I can afford.
Brett: This is aspirational TV. No one in America wants to see what you can afford.

Liza: I wish I understood you better.
Quinn: Hell, I know. I've written two books about me and I can tell you, bitch is unpredictable.

Quinn: Look, you may not know me but I know who you are. You're Maria von Trapp. You're sweetness and light and pillow fights and guitars and I am just not that. Whether I like it or not, I'm the baroness. Nobody roots for the baroness.

Maggie: Look at these tweets. I've read nicer things about me on the wall of the men's room in high school. I mean, at least they were more accurate.

Josh: It's not adult ed, is it?
Maggie: No.
Josh: All right, cause if you're teaching a bunch of college students, I don't think these tweets came from them.
Maggie: How can you tell?
Josh: You got Twitter for desktop, um, this quote from Leslie Stahl, and the lingo - who says, razzmatazz?

Cass: You are damaging these kids with your antiquated views.
Maggie: Me, antiquated? You wear rouge and told me to pack my valise for Provincetown.

Rob: I learned a lesson, too. Next time I stage an apartment, I'm going to use real books. I was thinking maybe you could help me pick some out.
Kelsey: You want books, Rob? I will send you a list along with a link to a little trade secret we call Amazon.

Liza: I just got off the phone with Caitlin. She said you arranged an internship for her this summer with Mind Palace podcasts.
Quinn: It's my pleasure. When you're a soprano, you have to love your altos. They're the frame. And she's a great kid - I'm assuming mostly thanks to you.
Liza: David's not so bad. Not to her, anyway.

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Maggie: No gallery wants to rep me now so I'm showing at the East River Bar. You know, in that side room people go to piss when the bathroom line gets too long.

Kelsey: Okay, so first an unsolicited tick pic, and now a FaceTime call with no warning?
Rob: I thought it was a fun surprise.
Kelsey: No! In fact, most people would consider this like a terrorist act.

Liza: Have you two ever collaborated before?
Jonah: No, we were wiser in our youth.
Susan: Yeah, well, we've always helped each other but collaborating was a different beast.
Liza: It could be worse. You could be broken up and working together. We published Charles's ex-wife's book. That was tricky.
Charles: I thought that book went pretty smoothly, considering.
Liza: I was the one who edited it so I have a different take.

Lauren: Susan Abbott was here? Omigawd, her book "Bread Soup: A Winter In Milan" changed my life.
Liza: I know, same with me.
Lauren: Yeah, it's the reason I only masturbate with olive oil.
Liza: Okay, different for me.

Quinn: I can't tell if he likes the watch. Is it too flashy? Not flashy enough? And what does it say about me that I was the first one in the relationship to give a gift?

Liza: If there's one red flag to report, it's that Charles has rigid ideas about how things should be.
Quinn: He must have been so surprised when you said no. Marriage makes perfect sense for somebody like you. Somebody wants to marry me, they have to sign a prenup as thick as a phone book.
Liza: I thought marriage was something you felt like you missed out on?
Quinn: No, I don't want to disclose my tax returns. A legal contract for business I understand but in the bedroom, it's such a turn off. The minute I am legally bound to something, I want to get out of there.
Liza: Not Charles. Marriage is really important to him.
Quinn: A man in the business of books likes tradition. I should have seen this coming.

Lauren: Have you asked Claire how she feels about that?
Kelsey: I'm not that close with Claire so I haven't.
Lauren: Ha, well, had you not fallen asleep during "Chernobyl," you'd know that you don't need to be that close to be affected.
Kelsey: Here we go with Chernobyl again.
Lauren: Listen, Claire is Chernobyl, okay. And you, you're not Kiev, you're not even Moscow, all right, you are a moose, grazing in a forest in northern Sweden. But the break up is in the air, okay? And it is travelling. And now it's on the grass that you're eating. Uh-oh, is that a blister on your hoof?

Liza: [Redmond] didn't say what he wanted?
Kelsey: No, but this place is fancy so I'm assuming he's trying to dull our senses with ambience and then pitch us something we hate.

Redmond: I love Dylan. She's like the Korean Amy Tan. Let's schedule a meeting.
Liza: With Dylan Park?
Redmond: No, Dylan McDermott. What's he up to?
Kelsey: We don't feel comfortable talking about Dylan's career without her present.
Redmond: Yeah, that's why I wanted to have a meeting with her.
Liza: She's not taking meetings with agents.
Redmond: Why?
Kelsey: You'd have to ask her.
Redmond: I would love to. Why are we doing this radio play? What are you two hiding?
Liza: Nothing.
Redmond: You didn't release a writer into the wild without signing her first, did you?
Kelsey: No, why would we ever do that?
Redmond: Because you don't have any money. Do you not have any money? Is Inkubator some sort of literary sweatshop?
Kelsey: No, Inkubator - well, it's a pun, but it describes exactly what it is.
Redmond: So you two get all the publicity for your little side hustle while you lure in new talent to your stable. Shame on you both. My girl needs to get paid.
Liza: Your girl?

Kelsey: Millennial was a big money maker. We took this company into the black, and apparently we need to remind everybody of that. So here's what I'm thinking - we take Inkubator online and monetize it. We keep giving chapters to Vulture until the very end and then if people want to finish the book, they have to pay to download the app that we create.
Liza: One question - how do we make an app?
Kelsey: I don't know but I've also never bound a book by hand before.

Liza: So, Susan, I have quite an ask, but could you tell me the secret to your grilled cheese?
Charles: I'm sorry, you have a famous grilled cheese?
Jonah: It was on the cover of Food & Wine. It beat out Thomas Keller's branzino. It was whoa.
Liza: And almost every celebrity did a TikTok trying to make it.
Susan: All right. Are you ready?
Liza: Yes!
Susan: I put a little mayonnaise on the bread and I grate some cheese on that mayonnaise.
Liza: That's how you get the crispy shell?
Susan: Yeah. If you call that shell a tuile and liken it to lace on a wedding gown and don't mention the mayonnaise, that grilled cheese gets to be on the cover of Food & Wine.

Jonah: We want to publish our book under a pen name.
Charles: Wait, what?
Susan: Serita Consemint.
Liza: Wow, that's got quite a flourish to it, doesn't it?
Charles: Is there a reason why?
Susan: Serita was the name of my great aunt.
Charles: No, I mean is there a reason why you don't want to publish under your own names?
Susan: Well, there's the mystery. And it's great for the marketing. "Who is Serita Consemint?" Like Elena Ferrante.
Charles: The two of you don't need a gimmick to sell your books. And you should be proud of your work.
Susan: We are proud of it.
Liza: The book, regardless of what name is on it, will be a success. The way you wrote together was inspired.
Charles: Yeah, of course the book will sell. I just don't think that people like being lied to.
Jonah: Right, but, you know, that's what storytelling is, right? It's lying to entertain.
Charles: Right, I don't disagree, but save it for the story. When that bleeds into real life then I think people just feel manipulated.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Josh: The only place we're going is the bar. What do you want?
Maggie: Oh, I don't know, whatever, you know, pairs with the edible in my purse.

Lauren: I don't know what you're doing here, but you've got 40 seconds before Maggie notices you and unsheathes whatever's in her boot.
Cass: What?
Lauren: 35 seconds. It's usually a switchblade. But given how comprehensively you've ruined her life, she may have graduated to something gnarlier - serrated.

Charles: FUSSY PUSSY!

Kelsey: I am so sick of dating these guys who are hypercompetitive and belittle my ambition and feel the need to crush it.

Kelsey: If it was reversed, I would tell Clare to go for it.
Lauren: That is a very gracious thing to hypothetically do for Clare.

Kelsey: If I had have been within arm's reach, he would've patted me on the head. And now we have to go dinner and listen to him mansplain why Inkubator's a good idea? We know. We created it!
Liza: Or he's ready to start publishing Inkubator authors.
Kelsey: Yeah, so long as they're already famous. He's gonna poach Azealia and then keep ignoring us.

Lauren: He's an iconic. Like definitionally iconic, not millennials stanning Kombucha girl iconic.

Clive: I reviewed her show that shall not be named for The Voice in '94.
Maggie: So now I'm Voldemort?
Clive: You haven't changed a bit. You're still as combative and chaotic as when I first saw you. She pasted my face on a Mapplethorpe print and blanketed my neighborhood with photocopies.

Kelsey: When did I screw my life up this bad? I was just publisher ten minutes ago. Now I'm sleeping on someone's couch? I'm almost 30! What happened?
Liza: Well, look on the bright side. I was 40 when I sought asylum here. You have a full decade before you need to create a new identity.

Maggie: There's no reason to rush. You can stay as long as you need to cause [Liza] - she's never leaving. I mean, so what's wrong with another sister-wife?
Liza: Hey! A few years with no sex, and you're bringing in a third.
Maggie: No sex, no cooking. Someone's gotta pick up your slack.
Liza: Well, I don't see a ring on this finger.
Maggie: Oh, now she wants a ring?

Cass: Why does everybody want to date younger women? It's so draining!

Charles: Be honest. You stacked the lineup the night that I came to Inkubator.
Liza: You did hear the girl that read the lyrics to her Queen's Gambit musical, right?

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Maggie: I'm giving Kelsey some of my old pots and pans for her new place.
Liza: Kelsey doesn't cook.
Maggie: Well, she does smoke weed, so anything can happen.

Liza: Charles came to Inkubator. He said it reminded him of why he got into publishing, discovering new literary voices.
Maggie: Stop with that book nerd talk. You're turning me on.

Josh: Hey, let me ask you a question, Rob.
Rob: Yeah, shoot.
Josh: You broke up with Clare pretty easily. You're planning on being a little more careful with Kels, yeah?
Rob: It's not really a question.
Josh: It's not, really.

Tim: I finally found a lot that wasn't full, or I parked on a playground.

Lauren: I know that you two would love it if I married a nice Jewish doctor. But the bottom line is, I'm just I'm not attracted to Max.
Denise: Oh, doctor's eye, come on, I wasn't that attracted to your dad when we first met, but then, you know, he kind of grew on me.
Mr. Heller: Yeah. I'm a grower, not a shower.

Liza: I love him, Maggie. It's not right to stand in his way.
Maggie: Yeah, but you don't have to carry him to the altar, Liza.

Charles: I apologize.
Quinn: Well, like I always say to my employees, if you do it right the first time, you don't have to apologize.

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Redmond: Let's cut to the chase. Azealia doesn't like the big publishing company model. She likes how you're breaking it. Tearing down the old patriarchal structure, blah, blah, blah.
Azealia: Yeah, I love this deal where you drop a new chapter every week.
Charles: I love it too. And it's as old as Dickens. He used to serialize his novels in the London newspapers.
Kelsey: I'm not sure the Victorian era is the best reference for what we're doing here.
Azealia: Whatever. I just cannot go back to that old-school publishing model.
Charles: Then let us offer you an alternative that we have been developing - a paid app where the chapters drop weekly. Or whatever time frame suits you. With audio narration as an option. It is an e-book and a podcast wrapped up together, and we would launch the app with you. There's a huge incentive to being first. Like House of Cards, Netflix.
Redmond: Yeah, let's keep House of Cards out of this. It didn't end so well.

Redmond: Yeah, the app thing's really got her fired up. It's like you reinvented the wheel.
Liza: Thank you.
Redmond: I said reinvented. Charles is right. Dickens did it first over a hundred years ago.
Liza: And podcasts are really just radio.

Liza: Did you ever think you'd be investing in Broadway?
Charles: I'm not sure this is investing. It's more like creative extortion.

Charles: As a condition of my investment, I told Redmond that he would have to cut you from that number.
Liza: What did he say?
Charles: "For a price, anything is possible." You see? What'd I tell you? It's extortion.

Liza: I just got some crazy news. I did something behind Charles' back that hopefully he'll be happy about. I submitted his unfinished book "The Miseducation of Henry Cane" to Yaddo. And, Maggie, he got in.
Maggie: Yadda yadda what?
Liza: Yaddo, the prestigious writers' colony. Everyone from John Cheever to Philip Roth, Jonathan Franzen, Flannery O'Connor, they've all spent time there. The list, it goes on and on, and...
Maggie: Wow. Well, obviously, we have different definitions of the word crazy.

Denise: Honey, get out of your head. Call [Max].
Lauren: Okay, I know. I just want to find the most romantic spot for our reunion.
Liza: Ooh, why don't you"Sleepless in Seattle him? Invite him to meet you on the top of the Empire State Building.
Lauren: No, I mean my generation's romantic spot, but-
Denise: Serendipity. Because it is serendipitous that you two bumped into each other. Plus the frozen hot chocolate.

Kelsey: Uh, what's the 20% participation to the Triboro Building Corporation? Isn't that you?
Rob: Yeah, that's my piece for putting the deal together.
Kelsey: You're not an investment bank. You just sent the email.
Rob: Exactly.

Rob: You know that if I was offering this deal to a guy, there wouldn't even be a question.
Kelsey: What are you saying?
Rob: Just that I feel like you want special privileges for being a woman. No offense.
Kelsey: Oh, none taken. But you can take your percentage and shave it up your misogynistic ass.

Kelsey: I have the absolute worst taste in men.
Liza: Yeah, I know.

Kelsey: Charles, the day I met you was the luckiest day of my life. You took a chance on a young girl with little more than enthusiasm and an English degree from a second-rate college.

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